Cadbury covers it...

The Ex "Doesn't Believe It" (Asperger's) And Denies Son Might Have It

2010-11-29T17:03:00.002-06:00

Yep

The ex "talked to some people who know about these things" (my kids tell me).

And she doesn't believe I have Asperger's or NVLD.

And she doesn't believe son has it.

Because if he did, he'd use it as an excuse to "be lazy". So she doesn't believe it. Because all he has to do is work harder and any issues he has will go away.

Or so the kids tell me about her reaction.

I'm going to go for supper with son if he's available and find out what the hell.

I expect she talked to her sister, who has an education degree, but works as an admin officer at the school board, and her mother (hat tip to Smitten for that piece of analysis) and they decided son doesn't have it and that its just laziness and an excuse. And that the ex is flat out lying about having talked to "people who know". Because that's her pattern. Talk to the family, get their sense of things, and then attribute it to "experts".

Bizarre

She was 100% in favour of getting son tested until he told her about my diagnosis and discussed with her him getting tested.

She was pushing him to get tested before I was done my testing and saying she'd pay for it all. She has said since he was little that there was something odd about that boy (which we have always agreed on). He has a funny gait/run. He doesn't give a shit what anyone else thinks. He's highly argumentative. Not aggressive/pushy/mean, but always demanding and needing to be right. We both agreed he was odd for his whole life.

And then all of a sudden - no. He doesn't have it. And it's laziness. That's how/why Smitten suggested it was from the family, not the ex's own ideas.

Fuuuck...

What a dumbass

Some interesting Autism/Asperger's videos and links

2010-11-29T14:00:00.004-06:00

Exploring the subject. Because I am pretty sensitive about the outcomes of being labelled different (you've all read about bits and pieces of my childhood) i want to underline that other than being a little nerdy in person, I am not as obvious as some of the folks in these videos.

I fear being labelled. I fear the results of being labelled. I am not a cliche or stereotypical case. I fear you, my friends, some of whom haven't ever met me in person, will think less (or substantially differently) of me because of the label/diagnosis.

i am funny and engaging and warm - i am very different from the cliches. i want to be me.

one of the counsellors here at the clinic talked to me about labels (her son has non-verbal learning disorder [NVLD]) and about being pigeonholed. i have found that i am worried about those labels. i thought i wouldn't be.

i was enthusiastic about my impending diagnosis. i was looking forward to it. i was counting the days. and then my sister reacted the way she did. and all my courage and liberation fell away and i ended up back to being frightened of who i am.

Smitten reminds me that the reception has been benign and/or positive from pretty much everyone other than my family - and that i need to take the time to internalise the fact that unhealthy responses are coming from unhealthy people - my family - and that these people also constitute a lifetime of emotional abuse.

yeah...

and i'm distancing myself from my family to assist my emotional equilibrium. why hang around with people who affect me negatively? i am making an effort to spend time with people who actually like me and accept me.

but my family still pushes my buttons hard... without even trying (or trying very hard - i can't say if they actually make an effort to treat me poorly, or if i'm so overly sensitive to them that i add too much history onto anything they do or say, or if it is just a pattern of treating me the way they do... and now it's unconscious

anyway,

As i said, i have been poked and prodded by psychologists and ed psych types for my whole life, and none of them flagged anything before one in particular (this last summer) took note of my poor reaction to (and inability to relax because of) having light from a window on one eye (i was sitting at a right angle to the window in his office) and dark/less light on the other. he suggested i look at something that has been dubbed "hypersensitivity" or "hyperarousal" - and books about the "Highly Sensitive Child" and the "Highly Sensitive Person"

and here i am. trying to wrap my head around it. it's different than i thought.

my reactions are different than i thought they would be

and this long essay started as me just posting a few links to some videos and an article, but quickly turned into me trying to assure those of you who haven't met me that i am not a social misfit...

so here are the videos:

and a really interesting article from Wired Mag:

The Geek Syndrome

Autism - and its milder cousin Asperger's syndrome - is surging among the children of Silicon Valley. Are math-and-tech genes to blame?

I have been officially diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome and Non-Verbal Learning Disorder (NLD/NVLD)

2010-11-26T16:41:00.002-06:00

What does it mean?

Not much

Despite having been poked and prodded and tested and screened since i was a young child, it wasn't until this last summer that i realised that there might be a neurological basis for various issues in my

life (all three of the kids in my family were either skipped or accelerated to higher grades - i was the person used as the basis for a series of enrichment programs and experiments in the schools i attended as the teachers/schools tried to figure out what the hell to do with me/us because we were that bright).

None of the experts - including a whackload of doctors and psychiatrists and educational psychologists and educational learning consultants have ever realised it until now.

Several thousand dollars and just about 6 months of testing later - voila!

even the guy who was testing me couldn't believe the results. I think he may end up writing a scholarly paper about it/me. apparently, in his words, my "incredible intellect" appears to have enabled me to compensate for all these years such that no-one realised it until very specific tests were done to evaluate specific cognitive functions in a manner that couldn't be compensated for.

it's also been hard to diagnose through the other trauma - the PTSD messes stuff up in the interviews and behaviours side of things, but the actual hard testing with pictograms , memory, and cognitive ability - symbolic interpretation and the like - clearly show that it's real - again - even the guy that was testing didn't believe it and consulted with several colleagues who do adult testing across Canada in order to review his results for errors

----

Asperger's - you know - like Sheldon in the TV show Big Bang Theory

except i'm not like Sheldon. I am funny, gracious, sensitive, emotional and all that stuff. Pissy's met me in person - she can back me up on this. others who read this blog have also met me and would, i assume, back that up as well

BTW - the wikipedia information won't help much - it describes a much more classic case

----

Oh, and I also have synesthesia - even if i had no idea of what it was until 6 months ago

----

Asperger's

My brain functions differently than other peoples' brains. I process sensory information and other things differently.

Asperger's is part of autism spectrum disorder. So is Non-Verbal Learning disorder.

Theoretically they are supposed to be separate and can't co-exist, but i guess i'm special...

well - they can co-exist - because the diagnosing criteria are still not fully complete, because the condition/structure isn't fully understood - so, it really is only theoretical that they can't co-exist.

i do not fit the classic symptoms

i have some social interaction issues, but not that were ever really noticed as being out of line or extraordinary - i would be described as "nerdy" more than anything

i get obsessive on some topics, but i can generally figure out (maybe not right away) when a person is giving me signals to stop talking

i have noise issues

i have light sensitivity issues

i get distracted by TVs flickering (that's why i hate TVs in restaurants and bars)

i usually look at a person's mouth when they talk, not their eyes - which is okay - except sometimes when i am focusing i look down - which in the case of women often means my gaze ends up on their cleavage - and then i suddenly realise where i'm looking and have to look elsewhere (i am, of course, a big fan of cleavage - it's just rude to stare at it [unless requested too...]). that can be awkward when i suddenly "snap out of a reverie" and the lady realises where i was looking when i suddenly avert my gaze. but i've survived to date...

a couple of ladies i know who have extra hair on their upper lip also cause me problems because i will be staring at their mouths - especially since both have a habit of sort of playing with the extra hair at the corner of their mouths...

i don't read body language well

and i usually don't pick up when someone is lying to my face - the most preposterous of bullshit will slip past me until i'm walking away - then i'll go "hey! that was bullshit"

i have an unusually rich and detailed fantasy life

messy writing

highly developed language skills - but lousy math and spatial skills

i have discovered that i get way higher marks (30-40% higher) on exams and assignments when i do them in a dimly lit room with no distractions - now i understand why
(c.f. my post this is fucking bullshit for comments on how exam time limits burn me)

occasional obsessive compulsive behaviours

i have a need to pre-plan and pre-script a lot of stuff so that i have a template of expectations for various scenarios. one of my compensating mechanisms is pre-planning and pre-scripting all the possible scenarios i could encounter in an unfamiliar situation in order to be prepared for any eventuality (my best friend said to me once "you have a plan for what to do if a 9 foot tall man with 6 arms walks into the room and smacks you in the head with a halibut" (for the record, i didn't have such a plan at the time, but once he raised it, i did think of a plan - just in case). so, by now i have a whole range of off-the-shelf responses to things and it is all just natural...

it also explains why it would be easy for me to think and believe that the world should work the way i was told it did (nice, helpful, gentle, kind). and why it would take SO long for it to sink in that it doesn't work all nicey, nice... and why i would have such massive anxiety when the world didn't work the way i was told it should (hey - think sensory input issues and massive cognitive dissonance might cause fibromyalgia...?)

i have issues with some fabrics and textures against my skin

there's a whack of other little things that i would list, but maybe later - they are small and no-one would know except for me.

even Smitten would not have guessed until we started to delve into all of this. now she can see the behaviours in hindsight, but previously just thought "hey, that's him"

just because most of you haven't met me, i don't want any cliches to form in your mind as you think about me. so i will be preemptively defensive and mention that Smitten thinks I am perhaps to most sensitive male she's ever met (my sister, bless her overachieving heart) says "what about the "lack of emotion" part of the diagnosis? if anything you are overly sensitive!" (i guess she's NOT overly sensitive...).

my sister is in overachieving denial - if i have it, then she might have it - and that would make her less than intellectually perfect - and we couldn't have that...

my Dad is contemplating getting tested as well. i have told him i think he has it - he's way more of a dufus than i am when it comes to interpersonal relations, my son will be getting tested, and my daughter wants to know if her math issues are related. my dad wants to know if he has it because it might explain some of the crap that happened to him when he was a kid - getting beat up all the time, being a little spacey, usually off in his own world, various obsessive behaviours. my nephew (brother's son) has non-verbal learning disorder. his other son is fairly ADD (also part of the autism spectrum). i think my brother has it too for a bunch of reasons. studies show that 46% of first degree relatives of an asperger's person will have traits either clinical or at sub-clinical levels

anyway, more later - it's not going to change my life on an immediate basis, but will, i expect, have some longer term effect

the most important one is that i get to allow myself to be not perfect.

and i no longer have to beat myself up when i don't achieve what my parents demand(ed) i achieve - perfection (which i usually failed at) - what all those teachers demanded i achieve - and just never could

i can just say "fuck you"

i am me

and only me

and i can be who i want

----

i don't want to use this as a crutch or an excuse - just a tool to understand myself and the why of things

i don't want to be defined by this - even some of the doctors i work with just cannot believe the diagnosis when i told them

most of my co-workers knew that i was getting tested - they couldn't understand why because "there's nothing wrong with you. you couldn't have it." my co-workers at this job and the last have told me they often come for lunch because they think i'm really funny and want the yuks

(can you feel the "OMG - they might think i'm not perfect" panic creeping into this post? i can...)

i've told some co-workers of the positive diagnosis, but they have filed it under "and, so?"

i don't want much of a "so" in my life

just to understand

that's why the noise and the lights bug me

that's why i have to hide and "re-order" myself sometimes

that's why i just don't get it sometimes when i am duped by people

but there is really no external affect

as i have more to say on it i will post

----

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synesthesia

i have sensory crossover

i can smell colours sometimes

i can see shapes and sparkles in my vision field

i have a real issue under some specific light conditions with sensory crossover (grey and glare - oh, you mean fucking winter here? i hate winter)

sometimes sounds, and sometimes rhythms will cause colour and light cascades (looks like the patterns on windows media player)

sometimes it will happen during sex - that's pretty distracting, i'll tell you... weird patterns forming while going at it

i talked about it a little when i was a kid and got called stupid or silly and stopped talking about it. as i got older i was afraid i'd get locked up as nuts

then, while discussing stuff with my sister, i got brave and mentioned it

she told me she has the same thing and gave it a name - Synesthesia

i talked to one of the doctors here and she gave me a book about it

again - mine isn't real bad like some of the extreme cases - but it is still real

and now i know what it's called, and i know i'm not nuts

----

i'll post more, but that's pretty much it for now

once again - please don't put me in a box with this label

talk again soon

----

Catch these videos - i picked the girl out as having Asperger's, but not the one dude.

The following video describes more classic symptoms than mine:

The Divorce Is Now In Effect - I Am Actually Single

2010-10-30T18:31:00.002-06:00

As above. It is now 31 days since the 29th of September - the day of the judgment. It takes effect today.

July 4, 2006 is the day I left.

An arduous journey.

the simple ability to be

2010-03-16T19:54:00.002-06:00

preamble for readers:

my sister is attending one of the top two english speaking universities in the world. she is attending on a full salary and expenses scholarship (and her salary is about what i make in 3 years... and i'm doing OK). the list of recipients of this scholarship over it's history is a who's who of world notables ranging from people you've never heard of to Presidents, Prime Ministers, and Nobel nominees and laureates.

my sister is an overachiever of the highest order

i'm proud of her and her achievements

but she has issues with people and relationships and still trying to measure up to everything my parents demand.

she is a pleasant enough - if at times manically loud - person. she is highly professional, but interpersonally often awkward. she has not had a lot of successful relationships with men. she was married and divorced. her ex-husband is now dead from a medical condition.

FYI: she is the oldest of the three of us. i am the youngest

---- email from me to her (about 10 days ago) ----

> ...now be here at [university]

[tangent]

there is a whole whack of preamble that should be at the front of this comment - so i hope that the short version will suffice, and that you will be ok with a broad brush, and lack of nuance or soft-pedalling

please interpret no criticism and only positive intent

----

i believe that you are one of the most capable people i know

i hope that now that you have been a [scholarship scholar] and a peer with the best and the brightest in the world there at [famous university], that you will have achieved the elusive "good enough" that i believe was demanded of us, and that we always seemed to fail at (c.f. parents - early/ middle/current programming)

that as you live this lofty life, in this lofty surrounding, that you will come to a gut - because our brains lie to us and keep us dancing the jig [c.f. Shirley Temple] demanded of us to play out the role of parent aggrandising prop - a gut understanding that you are good enough

good enough for you

for yourself

and that the joy and satisfaction of being fully comfortable with self will be granted

that each of the three of us will find serenity

----

i was asked this weekend what i would like said about me at my funeral. the person asking said he would like to be remembered as a "good father, who loved and cared for his children"

i thought for awhile and said that i didn't want anything said at my funeral - that i would like to be the last one to go so that i could make sure that all who preceded me that i cared about would be cared and comforted

that i didn't actually want anyone to think anything about me

that my desire was (is) to, at my death, to have lived at least the preceding day (and hopefully many years) fully at peace with who i am with no nagging doubts about my "worthwhileness" as a human being

serenity

the simple ability to be

with nothing more desired

[/tangent]

----

her response:

"No offense heard or taken. More later"

----

[she was leaving for an international trip of some duration two days later [that she is still away on] - so the short form reply is fine by me - she had no time to think through and craft a reply)

4 conclusions

2010-03-01T21:31:00.008-06:00

[email to Smitten - same day as the last few - 2/22/2010 3:45 PM]

Subject: DO NOT FEEL YOU MUST READ THE STUFF I SENT IMMEDIATELY

(she was working on a paper that was due the next day, but i NEEDED to write and share what i had realised, and NEEDED to send it right away too - to make it real to me)

as above

it is for discussion at a later point

----

the last email "Emotional trauma can have a negative impact on early development"

this piece is quite useful for me to understand what happened in my early childhood

it fits with my 4 conclusions of yesterday (and while i actually physically vomited while writing this email, i still feel good. i still feel alive)

----

1) what happened to me was stupefyingly unfair

- pretty self-evident...

2) the world does not work the way i was told it did (work hard, be good, don't fight, do unto others... and everything will be fine - the world will be your oyster)

and the effects of the world not working the way i was told it did?

"small children have no way of assessing whether or not they need to be scared, nor how scared they need to be. Kids look to a caring adult to woo them back to a sense of calm and equilibrium when they get scared. They depend on what scientists call "an external modulator", namely the parent, to restore their sense of inner calm because they lack the developmental maturation to calm themselves or to understand the source of their fear."

"The meaning the child made out of painful events. Children are "magical
thinkers" their reasoning is immature and not always grounded in reality. It is based on their developmental level. They need the adults around them to help them make sense and meaning of painful circumstances. Without this, they come up with their own meaning based on their level of development at the time the problem occurred."

----

- but what if the adults and family members and peer group tell them the reason their world is fucking up is because the small child is a fuck up (as opposed to being a 3 year old... [who are intrinsically fuck-ups from an adult perspective...]) and lacks discipline and focus or lacks ability (see further sibling and peer group taunts, e.g. "are you ever stupid...")?

----

"Our bodies don't really distinguish between physical danger and emotional stress.

The natural fear response associated with our fight/flight apparatus will cause the body to react to physical or emotional "crisis", by pumping out sufficient quantities of what are known as "stress" chemicals, like adrenaline, to get our hearts pumping, muscles tightening and breath shortening, in preparation for a fast exit, or a fight.

But for those where the family itself has become the proverbial "saber toothed tiger", for whom escape is not really the issue, these chemicals boil up inside and can cause physical and emotional problems.

And family members may find themselves in a confusing and painful bind, ie.,wanting to flee from or attack, those very people who represent home and hearth.If this highly stressful relational environment persists over time, it can produce what is called cumulative trauma."

----

3) the people who were the interpretive source for me (family, church, [political party], and peer group [school]) did not act the way they told me acted - goodness, honesty, justice, caring, caring about others

- so when words do not match actions, but i relied on the others to be my interpretive lens - when i didn't listen to my gut - something had to give....

"Distorted Reasoning: When our family unit is spinning out of control, we will tell ourselves whatever is necessary to allow ourselves to stay connected. This kind of reasoning can be immature and distorted. It can also produce core beliefs about life and relationships upon which we build more distorted reasoning and that we live out throughout our lives."

----

4) because my perceptions didn't match what i had been told, i lived in a world that was essentially made up - a fantasy world where the philosophical structures that made up the world i was fed (in my child's gullibility) i spent my time in that made up world where the construct worked, even if it didn't match reality. so i detached further and further from reality and lived more and more in many fantasy worlds - one of which i declared the real world - even though it too was a construct - the world where people matched their bullshit professions of ethical and moral standards

----

"Over time, we lose the ability to tolerate intense emotion so that we can think about what we.re experiencing on a feeling level. At the most extreme level thought and emotion become disengaged. When this happens, our thinking selves and our feeling selves become out of balance, split off from each other. This undermines our ability to use our thinking to understand what we.re experiencing on a feeling and sensory level. At the most basic level, we lose touch with ourselves."

----

i actually believed people's words. i listened to their words, not their actions - and words are only what? 7% of communications. i look at peoples' mouths when they talk - not their eyes, and not their bodies, and not their actions...

"Development of Rigid Psychological Defenses: People who are consistently being wounded emotionally and are not able to address it openly and honestly may develop rigid psychological defenses to manage their fear and pain. Dissociation, denial, splitting, repression, minimization, intellectualization, projection are some examples."

----

the rest - it is well described under the section of that email headed:

"Following is a list of some of the traits or characteristics someone who has grown up with addiction and trauma may exhibit."

"The ability to escape is central to whether or not we develop PTSD"

2010-02-27T00:14:00.009-06:00

[email to Smitten 2/22/2010 3:11 PM]

you [Smitten] will already know most of what is in this article

the critical take-aways are after the sentence/paragraph beginning with:

"Emotional trauma can have a negative impact on early development"

----

How Do We Learn to Self Regulate?

. Nature and Nurture: Each tiny interaction between parent/caretaker and child actually lays down the neural wiring that becomes part of our brain/body network.

. As the parent interacts with the child, the child learns the skills of relating and regulation which are then laid down as neural wiring.

. The child takes this new learning into his world of relationships, experiments with it, gets continued feedback and continues to lay down new wiring based on what he is seamlessly picking up from his environment and the relationships in it.

. Early experiences knit long lasting patterns into the very fabric of the brain's neural network. (Lewis) And these neural patterns form the relational template from which we operate throughout life.

. As children, if we get frightened or hurt, for example, we look to our mothers, fathers and close people to sooth us, to help us to feel better, to bring us back into balance.

. We learn to "tolerate" our intense feelings when we.re young and as we get older, .holding environment.

. When our skills of self regulation are well learned during childhood, they feel as if they come naturally, as if we always had them.

. When they are not well learned, we may reach to sources outside of ourselves to restore the sense of calm and good feeling that we cannot achieve ourselves, namely drugs, alcohol, food, sex, gambling and so on.

. The ACOA/ACOT [adult children of alchoholics/trauma] syndrome can reflect problems with early attachments or relationships. Children who learn the skills of relating and regulation from unstable parents internalize unstable patterns.

What is the Limbic System?

The limbic system is the body/mind neural network that governs our emotions. Our moods, appetite and sleep cycles are some of the areas of functioning that fall under its jurisdiction.

The limbic system

. .sets the mind's emotional tone,

. filters external events through internal states (creates emotional coloring),

. tags events as internally important,

. stores highly charged emotional memories,

. modulates motivation,

. controls appetite and sleep cycles,

. promotes bonding

. directly processes the sense of smell and modulates libido. (Amen)

Our emotions circulate throughout our bodies as brain/body mood chemicals that impact how we feel.

Problems in our limbic system may manifest as:

. When we have problems in our deep limbic system they can manifest as moodiness, irritability,

. clinical depression,

. increased negative thinking,

. negative perceptions of events,

. decreased motivation,

. floods of negative emotion,

. appetite and sleep problems,

. decreased or increase d sexual responsiveness or social isolation. (Amen)

. an impaired ability to regulate levels of fear, anger and sadness,and may lead to chronic anxiety or depression.

. substance or behavioral disorders,

. problems in regulating alcohol, eating, sexual or spending habits

All of this is what impacts our emotional sobriety.

How is emotional sobriety undermined?

Emotional trauma can have a negative impact on early development. It can both interfere with our ability to use our thinking brains to decode our emotions and it can create problems in our limbic systems.

Our limbic systems get set on "high" we are over sensitized to stress and hence, we over react to it.

Our bodies don't really distinguish between physical danger and emotional stress.

The natural fear response associated with our fight/flight apparatus will cause the body to react to physical or emotional .crisis,. by pumping out sufficient quantities of what are known as .stress. chemicals, like adrenaline, to get our hearts pumping, muscles tightening and breath shortening, in preparation for a fast exit, or a fight.

But for those where the family itself has become the proverbial "saber toothed tiger", for whom escape is not really the issue, these chemicals boil up inside and can cause physical and emotional problems. And family members may find themselves in a confusing and painful bind, ie.,wanting to flee from or attack, those very people who represent home and hearth. If this highly stressful relational environment persists over time, it can produce what is called cumulative trauma .

Because the limbic system governs such fundamental functions as mood, emotional tone, appetite and sleep cycles, when it becomes deregulated it can affect family members in far ranging ways.

Problems in regulating our emotional inner world, can manifest as:

Homes that aren't calm, that are in, what we might, call chronic chaos, undermine our body.s ability to maintain a regulated state. Over time, we lose the ability to tolerate intense emotion so that we can think about what we're experiencing on a feeling level. At the most extreme level thought and emotion become disengaged. When this happens, our thinking selves and our feeling selves become out of balance, split off from each other. This undermines our ability to use our thinking to understand what we.re experiencing on a feeling and sensory level. At the most basic level, we lose touch with ourselves. [italics mine - cadbury]

Why Children Can.t Understand What's Happening to Them

. There are three significant points of brain development that greatly influence how a child processes stress. They are reflected in the development of the amaygdala , the hippocampus and the prefrontal cortex.

. At birth, the child.s amygdala , which is part of our fight/flight/freeze or survival brain, is fully formed. Because it is fully formed, infants and children are capable of a full blown stress response from birth on. (Uram)

. However, the hippocampus or the part of the brain that interprets sensory input as to whether or not it is a threat, is not fully functional until between four and five years of age.(Uram)

. And the prefrontal cortex , which is where we have the ability tothink and reason, is not fully developed until around age eleven. (van der Kolk).Because of these three factors, when small children get frightened and go into fight/flight/freeze, they have no way of interpreting the level of threat nor of using reason to modulate or understand what is happening around them. They can not use their sensing or thinking to help to regulate their level of fear.

. Small children have no way of assessing whether or not they need to be scared, nor how scared they need to be. Kids look to a caring adult to woo them back to a sense of calm and equilibrium when they get scared. They depend on what scientists call "an external modulator", namely the parent, to restore their sense of inner calm because they lack the developmental maturation to calm themselves or to understand the source of their fear.

PTSD: When Escape is Not Possible

. Whether or not escape is possible (van der Kolk) The ability to escape is central to whether or not we develop PTSD. When we can.t get away from a traumatizing circumstance, when we can.t .escape. we're more likely to develop long term effects in what is now called a post traumatic stress reaction. This is partially related to the freeze response and it.s affect on the body/mind system.( van der Kolk)

. The meaning the child made out of painful events. Children are .magical thinkers. their reasoning is immature and not always grounded in reality. It is based on their developmental level. They need the adults around them to help them make sense and meaning of painful circumstances. Without this, they come up with their own meaning based on their level of development at the time the problem occurred.

. The basic genetic makeup of the child (Krystal) What biological strengths and vulnerabilities the child is born with.

. The length and severity of the stressor, how long did stressful events persist and how serious were they ? (Krystal)

. The age of the child at the time stressful events were occurring, young children are more vulnerable to being affected by stress than older ones.

. The quality of attachment with the mother/parent (Schore), A secure attachment with a parent can act as a buffer to stressful events.

. Whether the child has access to sources of support, one bonded relationship in their young life is shown to be he single most important factor in having resilience, and (Werner) a secure attachment with the mother, is the strongest predictor of success in adulthood of any other factor.

The Importance of Repair

. Repair can cause neuronal growth as new pathways integrating both problems and the solving of problems get laid down

. Repair also allows our shame response, (Shore?) to become part of personal growth. We learn from our mistakes. Something went wrong and we learn ways of setting it right, of mending what was broken or restoring a lost sense of connection. This process, that occurs in the context of a relationship, creates new neural wiring just as any learning does.

. This type of interaction gives the child meaning that makes sense to him so that he can let go of his fear, so that he doesn.t have to hold a low level of anticipation and fear and remain hypervigilant, waiting for the next problem to show itself.

What is Relationship Trauma?

The kind of emotional and psychological trauma that occurs within the context of a relationship, usually a primary relationship such as those within the home.

One important thing to understand here is that even well intended parents can cause significant emotional and psychological pain for their children. As we discussed in our previous chapter, the child's limited brain development and their total dependency on their parent, can make them very vulnerable to being hurt.

I use the term relationship trauma to describe the set of symptoms that directly result from experiencing the types of abusive and demeaning relational dynamics that mobilize our fight/flight responses on a persistent enough basis, so that emotional and psychological damage occurs.

Characteristics of Trauma and/or Relationship Trauma

Following is a list of some of the traits or characteristics someone who has grown up with addiction and trauma may exhibit.

. Problems with Self- regulation and emotional sobriety We go from 0 - 10 and 10 - 0 without intermediate stages, no shades of gray.

. Emotional Constriction Numbness and shutdown as a defense against overwhelming pain. Restricted range of affect or lack of authentic expression of emotion.

. Learned Helplessness When we feel we can do nothing to affect or change the situation we.re in, we may develop what's called, learned helplessness. Learned helplessness means that we form a pattern of helplessness, we give up,

. Loss of Trust and Faith (van der Kolk) When our personal world and the relationships within it become too unpredictable and unreliable we may experience a loss of trust and faith in relationships and in life's ability to repair and renew itself.

. Hypervigilance (van der Kolk) When we are hyper vigilant we carry a low level of anxiety around with us. We may scan our environment and relationships for signs of potential danger or repeated relationship insults and ruptures. We may over read signs from others, even a raised eyebrow or a look in someone.s eyes can cause us to want to spring into a defensive posture. We "wait for the other shoe to drop", we "walk on eggs shells"

. Easily Triggered/Hyper-reactive This population can be very hyper-reactive, they can over responding to relational stress, blowing conflicts that could be managed out of proportion into unmanageability, particularly if they are feeling vulnerable. Their brains/body has become over sensitized to stress, they over react to it.

. Depression The limbic system regulates mood. When we are deregulated in our emotional system we may have trouble regulating feelings such as anger, sadness and fear, all of which may contribute to depression . And high levels of coritosol which are associated with the fight/flight response arealso found in high amounts in people who report feeling depressed.

. Distorted Reasoning When our family unit is spinning out of control, we will tell ourselves whatever is necessary to allow ourselves to stay connected. This kind of reasoning can be immature and distorted. It can also produce core beliefs about life and relationships upon which we build more distorted reasoning and that we live out throughout our lives.

. Loss of Ability to Take in caring and support from others (van der Kolk) The numbing response along with the emotional constriction that are part of the trauma response may lead to a loss of ability to take in caring and support from others. Additionally, as mistrust grows, so does our willingness to accept love and support

. High Risk Behaviors (van der Kolk) The clients that I see who are engaged in chronic high risk behaviors seem to be trying to do a couple of things. One, they seem to be trying to jump start a numbed out inner world, to feel something. Or they appear to be acting out intense emotional and psychological pain. Another dynamic that appears to be operating is that they are trying to alter their mood, that the high risk behavior serves to get them .high. by stimulating a rush of .feel good. body chemicals. Speeding, sexual acting out, spending, fighting, drugging or other behaviors done in a way that puts one at risk are some examples of high risk behaviors.

. Survival Guilt The person who .gets out. of an unhealthy family system while others remain mired within it may experience what is referred to as "survivor's guilt". Tendency to Isolate People who have felt traumatized may have a tendency to isolate themselves. They may have trouble reaching out for help, they have a pattern of feeling hurt and vulnerable-reaching out for help- getting ignored or put down.

. Development of Rigid Psychological Defenses People who are consistently being wounded emotionally and are not able to address it openly and honestly may develop rigid psychological defenses to manage their fear and pain. Dissociation, denial, splitting, repression, minimization, intellectualization, projection are some examples.

. Cycles of Reenactment The reenactment dynamic is one of the core features of how trauma from one generation gets passed down through subsequent generations. We tend to recreate those circumstances in our lives that feel unresolved or unconscious.

. Relationship Issues Relationships are where relationship trauma takes place. They tend also to be where the effects of relationship trauma reemerge. Some of the ways in which they reemerge are in being easily triggered, bringing old patterns into new relationships (reenactment patterns), transferences onto partners or children, transferences onto friends or authority figures, being hyper vigilant hence creating an emotional atmosphere of anxiety and suspicion or being easily triggered hence creating instability within the relationship and unnecessary pain.

. Traumatic Bonding Traumatic bonds, may develop between parent and child or siblings in alcoholic homes, for example, may be left to care for each other and older siblings may have too much power over their younger siblings.

. Desire to Self Medicate These are misguided attempts to quiet and control a turbulent, troubled inner world through the use of drugs and alcohol or behavioral addictions.

----

http://tiandayton.com/emotional-sobriety/signs-of-emotional-sobriety/

"...torture will trigger a survival instinct..."

2010-02-24T15:01:00.011-06:00

[WARNING - ANOTHER REALLY LONG POST]

this information was discovered while i was trying to find a reference to rigid thinking - rigid thinking is one of the elements of the psychological make-up of a person who is likely to experience traumatic bonding and the entrapment and abuser identification it entails, and post traumatic stress disorder

i had rigid thinking - not because i am not open in many ways - i didn't ever think of myself as rigid thinking - it was, and is, quite uncomfortable for me to say, to admit, that in many ways i am/was rigid in my thinking

what was i rigid about? i had/have a number of hard cast ideological positions:
- men are bad, self-centred, rude, uncaring, blindly focused on goals with little regard for the feelings of others
- men are lazy
- women are better, caring, nicer, kinder, more insightful than men
- women are hard working
- i am a man, i am bad
- i am usually wrong
- others know more than me
- women have special insight into people

while i still consider myself a strong feminist, my experiences as a child, and my early exposure to feminist thought and activism (and the pages of redbook, women's day, cosmo [my sister's], and even playboy), as well as the fact that the political men around me WERE egotistical jerkwads, and the fact that the ladies treated me very well - they were nice - the men weren't - led me to a fair level of self-hatred

more rigid thinking:

- i will be a different kind of man
- caring
- loving
- decent
- considerate
- able to cook
- able to plan a dinner party
- able to organise events
- able to sew
- able to clean
- able to care for children
- i will be the kind of man women wish for

- i am loyal
- i am committed
- never will i waver from my relationship commitments
- never will i waver from the goal of making my marriage work
- i will not fight
- i will not belittle or denigrate my partner
- i will always be supportive and understanding
- i will always engage
- i will always search for the source of my partners feelings
- i will never belittle "feelings", i will always treat them as real and valuable and in need of full consideration

you know much of the list from reading he blog so far - it would take too long to detail it and i'm getting sick of how long the list is...

so, yeah - this list and my own dysfunction were just waiting for a whack job to come along and exploit it/me...

[An Email To Smitten - Monday, February 22, 2010 02:54 pm]

[after the previous email I Feel Good, previously posted]

---- the email ----

a discussion about torture by someone who studied it in detail - underwent torture, and traveled around the world to meet torturers and those who had been tortured

and yes - if you are wondering - this email is not about people being tortured by the U.S. (well, it is - peripherally) - it is about me

it is about understanding the abyss

it's about more lignin and cellulose attaching itself to the trunk of the mighty oak - understanding the cracking - understanding the forces that press - understanding the need for flexibility - not rigidity

[edit for blog: this is about understanding why i didn't fight back, didn't leave, didn't fight or flight. about making sure i understand the answer to the overarching question: WHY? why could i be abused and tortured like i was - how?]

[speaking mostly about waterboarding]

"Torture in captivity simulation training reveals there are ways an enemy can inflict punishment which will render the subject wholly helpless and which will generally overcome his willpower. The torturer will trigger within the subject a survival instinct, in this case the ability to breathe, which makes the victim instantly pliable and ready to comply. It is purely and simply a tool by which to deprive a human being of his ability to resist through physical humiliation."

- Malcolm Nance, Small Wars Journal
former Master Instructor and Chief of Training at the US Navy Survival, Evasion, Resistance and Escape School (SERE)

Waterboarding is Torture… Period

---- outtakes from his words ----

Torture in captivity

reveals there are ways an enemy can inflict punishment which will render the subject wholly helpless and which will generally overcome his willpower

The torturer will trigger within the subject a survival instinct

the victim [is] instantly pliable and ready to comply

[torture of a captive is] a tool by which to deprive a human being of his ability to resist through physical humiliation

---- background material not in the email to smitten, but sent to her prior ----

"...a stalking cheetah leaps from its cover of dense shrubbery. As if it was one organism, the herd springs quickly toward a protective thicket at the wadi's edge. One young impala trips for a split second, then recovers. But it is too late. In a blur, the cheetah lunges toward its intended victim, and the chase is on at a blazing sixty to seventy miles an hour.

At the moment of contact (or just before), the young impala falls to the ground, surrendering to its impending death. Yet, it may be uninjured. The now limp animal is not pretending to be dead. It has instinctively entered an altered state of consciousness shared by all mammals when death appears imminent. Many indigenous peoples view this phenomenon as a surrender of the spirit of the prey to the predator, which, in a manner of speaking, it is.

Physiologists call this altered state the 'immobility' or 'freezing' response. It is one of the three primary responses available to reptiles and mammals when faced with an overwhelming threat. The other two, fight and flight, are much more familiar to most of us. Less is known about the 'immobility response.' However, my work over the last twenty-five years has led me to believe that it is the single most important factor in uncovering the mystery of human trauma.

Nature has developed the immobility response for two good reasons. One, it serves as a last-ditch survival strategy. You might know it better as 'playing possum.' Take the young impala, for instance. There is a possibility that the cheetah may decide to drag its 'dead' prey to a place safe from other predators; or to its lair, where the food can be shared later with its cubs. During this time, the impala could awaken from its frozen state and make a hasty escape in an unguarded moment. When it is out of danger, the animal will literally 'shake off' the residual effects of the immobility response and gain full control of its body. It will then return to its normal life as if nothing had happened. Secondly, in freezing, the impala (and human) enters an altered state in which no pain is experienced. What that means for the impala is that it will not have to suffer while being torn apart by the cheetah's sharp teeth and claws.

Most human cultures tend to judge this instinctive surrender in the face of overwhelming threat as a weakness tantamount to cowardice."

- Dr. Peter Levine, creator of the Somatic Experiencing therapy regime, in his book Waking The Tiger

three reactions, not two

flight, flight, AND freeze

immobility

"...I believe that the key to healing traumatic symptoms in humans lies in our being able to mirror the fluid adaptation of wild animals as they 'shake out' and pass through the immobility response and become fully mobile and functional."

"It's About Energy

Traumatic symptoms are not caused by the ''triggering'' event itself. They stem from the frozen residue of energy that has not been resolved and discharged; this residue remains trapped in the nervous system where it can wreak havoc on our bodies and spirits. The long-term, alarming, debilitating, and often bizarre symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) develop when we cannot complete the process of moving in, through and out of the ''immobility'' or ''freezing'' state. However, we can thaw by initiating and encouraging our innate drive to return to a state of dynamic equilibrium.

[bold mine]
Let's cut to the chase. The energy in our young impala's nervous system as it flees from the pursuing cheetah is charged at seventy miles an hour. The moment the cheetah takes its final lunge, the impala collapses. From the outside, it looks motionless and appears to be dead, but inside, its nervous system is still supercharged at seventy miles an hour. Though it has come to a dead stop, what is now taking place in the impala's body is similar to what occurs in your car if you floor the accelerator and stomp on the brake simultaneously. The difference between the inner racing of the nervous system (engine) and the outer immobility (brake) of the body creates a forceful turbulence inside the body similar to a tornado.

This tornado of energy is the focal point out of which form the symptoms of traumatic stress. To help visualize the power of this energy, imagine that you are making love with your partner, you are on the verge of climax, when suddenly, some outside force stops you. Now, multiply that feeling of withholding by one hundred, and you may come close to the amount of energy aroused by a life-threatening experience.

A threatened human (or impala) must discharge all the energy mobilized to negotiate that threat or it will become a victim of trauma. This residual energy does not simply go away. It persists in the body, and often forces the formation of a wide variety of symptoms; i.e., anxiety, depression, psychosomatic and behavioral problems. These symptoms are the organism's way of containing (or corralling) the undischarged residual energy.

Animals in the wild instinctively discharge all their compressed energy and seldom develop adverse symptoms. We humans are not as adept in this arena. When we are unable liberate these powerful forces, we become victims of trauma. In our often unsuccessful attempts to discharge these energies, we may become fixated on them.

- Dr. Peter Levine, Waking The Tiger

---- end extra background ----

"Of course, when you waterboard you get all the magic answers you want - because remember, the subject will talk. They all talk! Anyone strapped down will say anything, absolutely anything to get the torture to stop."

"On a Mekong River trip, I met a 60-year-old man, happy to be alive and a cheerful travel companion, who survived the genocide and torture . he spoke openly about it and gave me a valuable lesson: .If you want to survive, you must learn that .walking through a low door means you have to be able to bow... He told his interrogators everything they wanted to know including the truth. They rarely stopped. In torture, he confessed to being a hermaphrodite, a CIA spy, a Buddhist Monk, a Catholic Bishop and the son of the king of Cambodia. He was actually just a school teacher whose crime was that he once spoke French. He remembered .the Barrel. version of waterboarding quite well. Head first until the water filled the lungs, then you talk."

----

captive

trapped

no escape

no defense

strapped to the board

unable to resist

---- extra not in the email ----

captive - parents, siblings, school, church, political party

- parents who picked apart every detail of what i did
- a brother who literally tortured me (kneeling on my biceps, sitting on my chest, - slapping my face, taunting me for hours at a time after school when i was 10, 11, 12)
- schoolmates who made a game each recess and lunch hour out of making my nose bleed, knocking me down, and kicking and beating me
- parents and school teachers who would not help me, telling me to quit being a whiner and to fight my own battles (hey - it was the '70s...)
- a sister, 5 years older, who took great pains to belittle my thinking in order to brown-nose to my parents
- a brother who did the same
the constant refrain "are you ever stupid" - yeah, maybe, but i was also littler than them - developmentally speaking, how would i ever catch up until i became an adult?
- parents who promoted competition and rewarded only success with love, attention, and affection
- a priest at the church (catholic school) who actually told the other altar boys to rough me up as punishment for my dad's politics, and who preached against my dad from the pulpit
- a political party that was full of backstabbing and skullduggery (and we were the nice party...)
- being a child warrior in that political party and engaging and assisting in vile character assassination, edge of the line tactics, and using my status as a child to do things like listen in to conversations in order to "help"

nowhere was i safe - not at home, not at school, not at church - and my life experience as a political "child soldier" taught me that anything you can say can be used against you any time

and parents who were products of violent households themselves - who did the best they could but neither they, nor their society had the tools, nor the information to heal them

parents who fought all the time - viciously verbally (no physical violence until about, i think, 6 years ago - dad hit mom with a towel - one blow - two occasions)

i hate fighting sooooooooo much

i would do anything to avoid it. even now when they fight it makes me freeze and be nauseous. and dad tries to drag me in to their fights all the time, he is always phoning trying to organise the 3 of us kids to "put pressure on your mother to act a little better" as though some kind of political maneuver will fix their marital problems...

---- end extra material ----

"Characteristics of Adult Children of Trauma and Addiction

Children of Alcoholics are traumatized living in an addicted family.
Discover the behavioral characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Learned Helplessness: A person loses the feeling that they can affect or change what.s happening to them.

Depression: Unexpressed and unfelt emotion lead to flat intenal world . or agitated/anxious depression. Anger, rage and sadness that remain unfelt or unexpected in a way that leads to no resolution.

Anxiety: Free floating anxiety, worries and anxieties that have no where particular to pin themselves or look for a place to project at, phobias, sleep disturbances, hyper-vigilance.

Emotional Constriction: Numbness and shutdown as a defense against overwhelming pain. Restricted range of affect or lack of authentic expression of emotion.

Distorted Reasoning: Convoluted attempts to make sense and meaning out of chaotic, confusing, frightening or painful experience that feels senseless.

Loss of Trust and Faith: Due to deep ruptures in primary, dependency relationships and breakdown of an orderly world.

Hypervigilance: Anxiety, waiting for the other shoe to drop . constantly scanning environment and relationships for signs of potential danger or repeated rupture.

Traumatic Bonding: Unhealthy bonding style resulting from power imbalance in relationships and lack of other sources of support.

Loss of Ability to Take in Caring and Suppport: Due to fear of trusting and depending upon relationships and trauma's inherent numbness and shutdown.

Problems with Self Regulation: The deregulated limbic system can manifest in problems in regulating many areas of the self system and thinking, feeling and behavior. Go from 0 - 10 and 10 - 0 without intermediate stages, black and white thinking, feeling and behavior, no shades of gray as a result of trauma.s numbing vs. hi-affect.

Easily Triggered: Stimuli reminiscent of trauma, e.g., yelling, loud noises, criticism, or gunfire, trigger person into shutting down, acting out or intense emotional states. Or subtle stimuli such as changes in eye expression or feeling humiliated, for example.

High Risk Behaviors: Speeding, sexual acting out, spending, fighting or other behaviors done in a way that puts one at risk. Misguided attempts to jump start numb inner world or act out pain from an intense pain filled inner world.

Disorganized Inner World: Disorganized object constancy and/or sense of relatedness. Internal emotional disconnects or Fused feelings (e.g., anger & sex, intimacy and danger, need and humiliation).

Survival Guilt: From witnessing abuse and trauma and surviving, or from .getting out. of an unhealthy family system while others remain mired within it.

Development of Rigid Psychological Defenses: Dissociation, denial, splitting, repression, minimization, intellectualization, projection, for some examples or developing rather impenetrable .character armor..

Cycles of Reenactment: Unconscious repetition of pain-filled dynamics, the continual recreation of dysfunctional dynamics from the past.

Relationship Issues: Difficulty in being present in a balanced manner; a tendency to over or under engage, explode or with draw or be emotional hot and cold. Problems with trusting, staying engaged or taking in love and caring.

Desire to Self Medicate: Attempts to quiet and control turbulent, troubled inner world through the use of drugs and alcohol or behavioral addictions.

Sources:

* From Trauma and Addiction, Dayton 2000 (van der Kolk 1987, Krystal 1968)"

- Characteristics of Adult Children of Trauma and Addiction

I Feel Good

2010-02-23T09:25:00.002-06:00

[An Email To Smitten - Monday, February 22, 2010]

----

I feel good this morning

Panic and adrenaline shock and fear and anxiety are trying to work their way into my psyche, but I have been able to hold them off so far - no - not hold them off... Have them blow around me - like the curved walls of a monolithic dome

It's still a wall - and the pressure is still there threatening - but it passes differently

Not quite the mighty oak I want to be - you see, when trees flex in the wind - like muscle being damaged by exercise - it makes tiny breaks in the cellulose structure of the tree which when healed makes the tree thicker and stronger

That's what I want - the flexibility in spirit to become stronger through adversity

Not the rigidity of having to fight

The difference between a seawall and a mangrove swamp

But, because I only have you to trust, I cannot be a cypress tree with interlocking roots helping support all the trees to survive the onslaught

So, for now I am the mighty oak (wanna be anyway... fake it 'til you make it... visualisation exercise...)

Perhaps if I were "surrounded by like minded people" I could be a cypress tree - then it wouldn't matter that we were living in the swamp - and swamps are full of life and sound and diversity - it would be our environment and we would be nourished by it's teeming life and energy

Because we would be living

In a place that was/is alive - full of sound - life - vitality

Much better than a desert - whether concrete and urban or the sand kind

Or the semi-arid, semi-desert that is [where we live] - waiting for a little rain - a little sunshine - a little warmth - to bloom for the week that we do - to wither and die until the next year we have the chance to bloom in the desert

----

I listened to music this morning and enjoyed it

It has been awhile

Music, except for very mellow background stuff (like Sade), has irritated me for months - except when exercising when it is just a beat - even then - much of it irritated me and I kept forwarding through songs on the player

Now music is ok

Took a boat....

2010-02-22T20:11:00.020-06:00

[VERY LONG POST WARNING]

[edit note - the word "score" has been replaced in most instances with "jumping obstacle" (like in horse show jumping) to better reflect my intent]

Took a boat Sunday, down by the sea
It just felt so nice, you and me
We didn't have a problem or a care
And all around was silence, everywhere

You are the reason I was born
Be with you through all seasons
I'll always hear you when you call
We'll keep the love light shining
Through each night and day
A lonely life behind me
Oh what a change you've made

So down here on the ocean we will stay
Went through a lot of changes
Turned a lot of pages
When I took a boat Sunday

To know you as I know you now
That is all I need
And we will get along somehow
If we both believe

So down here on the ocean we will stay
Went through a lot of changes
Turned a lot of pages
When I took a boat Sunday

Smitten and I took a trip to the Caribbean. Some of you will have seen my videos of the event.

The trip is the culmination of decades of wishing. I have been enthralled by the Caribbean since I was in my early twenties. I had visited Africa in my late teens and early 20s and loved the tropics. I have been around a good chunk of the world (and had been by the time I met the STBX).

The warmth in Africa was incredible. Being in a place that has never known a glacier or freezing on more than a freak basis is beyond words. I live in a place where the ground is frozen 8 months of the year. Everything in life is clustered around preparing to survive these gawd-awful miserable winters - 20 to 40 below zero before you add the wind chill for months at a time.

To encounter the slow baked warmth - it is like the difference between beans that have been cooked for an hours, and beans that have been baked for days... A whole land that is totally cooked - totally warm... You may not understand just how cold it gets, and just how the weather permeates every element of the society and culture I live in. We are pretty much all only a single generation (well, to be precise, 80% according to Statistics Canada in 1997) off the land (farm or Indian reserve). The weather is everything when it comes to survival.

----

We have an annual festival of cultures in my city. At the Caribbean pavilion I first encountered Caribbean roti. As I ate my first roti filled with beef curry, and a side of red beans and rice, i knew that any culture that could create food like that was one I wanted to be a part of.

----

Being on the island we were on felt like home to me. More than here.

Being in the sun (even if i was sweating a lot) and the humid air was pure tonic for my scarred and still bleeding psyche.

Being naked on the beach with only a few people some distance away was comfortable and pleasant. Being in the salt water in that sun, warmth, and air was like nothing else. this trip is the first time I have been in the warm ocean (north sea/english channel/northern europe previous - didn't get in the water in Australia) - never made it in all my travel. Water here is cold. The beach here is quite uncomfortablely cold for me... not the Caribbean. I could feel the rhythm and the energy of the ocean and the waves. It was like being immersed in pedialyte... (that probably sounds really weird). The warm ocean made my body tingle like after i have ingested electrolyte balancing solutions.

Smitten said that she has never seen me live more in the moment than in that ocean, in those waves. Never seen me happier or more expressively joyful in the simple joy of my own existence.

----

I had put together this trip for my own needs - and to further my agenda of moving to the Caribbean - AND (this a a big "AND") - to "prove" to Smitten that I could "provide". That i could follow through on a promise - the promise that we would go - that all the batshit crazy ideas and dreams (which she has never thought were batshit crazy) of moving to an island in the sun could be real. that i really would cough up a trip and not an excuse as to why we couldn't go (yes, baggage, baggage, baggage...)

because i still believed (and still sort of believe [but i'm workin' on it...]) that i really wasn't worthy of her company, that she is (you'll recall my first thoughts on meeting her) "waaaayyyyy out of my league" - i had a bunch of activities planned to show her that i could at least provide awesome entertainment and a good time (in my younger years i called it "the hustle" when i was workin' the ladies...). new activities that might provide some incentive for her to keep me around (yes, yes, yes - i'm in therapy for these issues...)

(remember - this is honesty talking here - real self-image crap - not the front a person puts forward - i can rationalise with the best of them, but why bother?)

so, we went on a big trip.

(we had also just returned from a trip to Texas driving my parents to their winter place and getting over the border to Mexico (jumping obstacle 1 cleared for cadbury) - Smitten was bowled over. missed seeing Sicilian because we got delayed driving down (my Mom forgot her money belt with passport and stuff one morning [4 hours lost time]) - but that will be fixed sometime this year i hope). a big thank-you to Sicilian for finding a place that served the best fresh pecan pie we have ever tasted (smack dab in the middle of Texas pecan country) for Smitten to enjoy after she was suddenly able to eat more than brown rice and eggs again after we discovered the diagnosis and medication (us - not the doctors... they just agreed with us...)

got to meet Pissy (yay!!!). got to see historic Atlanta and a historic graveyard Smitten (and Pissy) loves graveyards - her ex-husband never wanted to go see graveyards with her (jumping obstacle 2 cleared for cadbury). MEGA shout out to Pissy for finding one with ultra-cool gargoyles and huge mini-church mausoleums and civil war graves and stuff.

went to south Florida and met some other friends. took a 10 passenger stretch limo sedan from Fort Lauderdale to West Palm Beach. just the two of us. way cool. Smitten had never been in a stretch limo before (and neither had i...) and had always wanted to (jumping obstacle 3 cleared for cadbury) i figured the best way to do florida would be to indulge every bit of cheesy fantasy and visuals from all the movies and tv shows - so a limo on the freeway was a no-brainer - i was trying to impress the lady, after all...

awesome hotel (cha-ching price, though...) in WPB (jumping obstacle 4 cleared for cadbury).

went for a helicopter excursion as Smitten had not ever been on a helicopter before (jumping obstacle 5 cleared for cadbury). it was cool - i got to fly it - the place doing the excursion was a flight school, so they threw it in as a surprise bonus (it also allowed them to count it as flight training time for their instructor to keep up with certifications and such [there is a recession on and helicopter flight training is a bit of a luxury...]. it's also a great sales tool "want to fly a helicopter - we give lessons, you know...")

that would be the cheesy visual from "Miami Vice" in the '80s - flying along the beach with all the big houses and stuff...

went for cuban food in the number one cuban restaurant north of Miami (jumping obstacle 6 cleared for cadbury) with great friends of mine (who recommended the restaurant)

flew to Puerto Rico and had good sport in the airport there waiting for our next flight - and while a kind of rattley dinged up turbo-prop aircraft is often considered less cool than a jet - it added to the adventure of the trip (jumping obstacle 7 cleared for cadbury)

arrived at the eventual island. it was great. a little rushed, confusing, and disorientingly fast coming at us - but still way cool. With the rush and bizarreness of the island and coming in at night after a long day, Smitten and I forgot her bag with her medication in the taxi (and my new $600 video camera, and her passport), though. That was a very bad bit of time - the medication is the only thing that allows her to eat like a normal human and not be in danger of serious angioedema. that was the most worrying . i was able to arrange/handle our way through the eventual recovery of the bag. yay! for honest taxi drivers and large tips that make them feel positive about the white folks they just dropped off... (jumping obstacle 8 cleared for cadbury)

(i expect you are getting sick of me counting the score and the self-congratulations - but there is a point to it)

the next morning was spectacular. the hotel was locally owned and a little less five star, but was sheer perfection from an adventure standpoint (jumping obstacle 9 cleared for cadbury). the view was breathtaking. the coffee was incredible (imported Haitian/French).

the innkeeper took us around the island personally as out tour guide so we didn't have to worry about being ripped off (better rates than the tour/taxi operators)

new year's eve in the warm

the mega-yacht harbour tour on the other end of the island

and, we took a sailing yacht tour. Smitten loves water. She loves sailboats. She used to live on the west coast of Canada and got to go on ferries, but not on sailboats - and not on a classically made - hand made - Caribbean sloop.

and not on a private tour with 3 staff (yes more than passengers), with a provided lunch on the boat and snorkeling and "rolly waves" (it was a big waves, gorgeous, sunny day).

in a word: perfection

she looked so incredibly beautiful to me. i was moved every moment of that day.

when she asked me what i was feeling, i told her: "if i die at this very moment - my life is fulfilled. you are everything i have dreamed of in my life. being here with you today, is everything i have dreamed of in my life."

the day ended with a trip to a hilltop restaurant that served amazing local cuisine (i had the curried conch, Smitten had a baked fish dish)

when we arrived back at the inn, she told me she was tired and got ready for bed. she said that she didn't know how long she would be able to stay awake.

i did nothing.

i copied the day's pictures and videos to the computer and left her alone.

that's what my programming told me to do.

tired is a code word in my programming for "stay away"

you see, i was filled with anxiety that i was not making the mark. that i was not up to snuff. i felt fat. i felt sweaty. i felt less than the goddess i was with.

the idea of anything else was so outside the box for me, it was inconceivable. in my mind i was lucky that she would even deign to spend time with me.

so when she was hurt that i didn't finish the "perfect romance" of the day by wanting to make love with her... it was like getting hit by a log on a chain.

so much for score 10 for cadbury

the perfect day sailing on the ocean still didn't make me good enough to be with her

i was, in what the kids on the bulletin boards would call, total fail

----

the next day around noon it occurred to me

without having millions of dollars

this was about as close to perfection a trip could ever be - the only thing that could beat a custom built wooden sloop and a private cruise might be hot-air ballooning in southern France (yes - that, as well, has long been on the list of things to do to impress Smitten). Smitten herself called this Caribbean adventure "the trip of my [her] life".

and if it still wasn't good enough - if this trip and all the stuff i had arranged - all the cool activities - how could anything i ever do be enough?

(you see- that was the hustle with the ladies - always being able to one up my last gig - my last bit of exotic excitement - and it would fall apart when i ran out of things to impress them with - when there was only me left - well - i was never good enough - and the anxiety would crush and destroy me... and then there was the stbx - who demanded bigger and better every single event - and punished the living shit out of me if it wasn't fully unique every Christmas, birthday, valentine's day, vacation... and demanded that the bigger and better only ever cost 4 bucks...)

and i knew that it was in my head

that i was the one that didn't measure up to my expectations of me

and i realised

and i decided

that if the ultimate awesomo trip couldn't make me feel secure enough in being with Smitten, then nothing would

and that at some point i would have to give up

because i wasn't going to be able to top this one (very often...)

i would have to give up and let her decide whether she wanted to be with me

to accept that i was either good enough or not

that i was good enough

worthwhile enough

just as a human being

for her to want to spend time with me - just for who i am

not for what i can do for her

to begin to understand, to begin to accept, that i really am intrinsically a worthwhile human being

----

So down here on the ocean we will stay

We will stay

We will stay

Went through a lot of changes

Turned a lot of pages

When I took a boat on Sunday...

been hiding

2010-02-22T16:09:00.003-06:00

[adapted from an email to another friend]

with best of intentions, i have wanted to be around here, and around your blogs

but, i haven't been around anywhere too much

been hiding - literally

without going into the long details of the universe or any further historical whinefest - i have PTSD - stuffing the emotion and stress associated with a violent school environment as a kid, the repression of natural child exuberance from being part of a political household (always on display...), and then a violent and emotionally abusive 20 year marriage - resulting in fibromyalgia as well

i am in therapy to address the issues. i am in a new kind of therapy called somatic experience where the therapist leads you through reconnecting to your body.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_Experiencing

positive from a healing perspective, but fucks me over a bit with bodily reactions and so on. because i can actually feel parts of my body that i haven't felt in years, and addressing some of my psychological firmament, and because i am rejecting the control methods i used previously, actually physically feeling parts of my body/muscles that were in spasm, numb, or partially paralysed leaves me a little emotionally rocky...

the team of therapists i am working with are experimenting with my treatment - the treatment and techniques themselves are experimental - they haven't had anyone as messed (the trauma healing techniques have been primarily used in relation to car accidents and stuff like that) that is as intelligent, self-aware, and motivated to hard and go fast as me. i'm told most folks are more resistant to changing themselves. they are working with a group of counselors from around north america to try different nuances and applications of what to this point have been theories with minimal real world application/verification

some of the people in the larger group are working with people returning from the wars so there is a keen interest in a subject who is from a disciplined background, moving fast, highly aware, knows the jargon and is able to feed back into their technique honing

but it's hard sometimes

so i hide

luckily i am good enough at what i do, and my workplace is understanding enough (being a medical facility and all...), that i can hide and do the behind the scenes stuff at work without having to come out

so, that's the story

as i said - i had positive intention - but that was before the alterations to my being from the new therapy. and i wait until it passes

Gmail Google Privacy Leak

2010-02-18T15:25:00.003-06:00

go into your gmail settings and disable google buzz completely until they have fixed the privacy problems

"One problem that immediately caused concern was Google's decision to automatically give users a ready-made circle of friends based on the people they most frequently e-mailed. Unless users changed settings in their profile, this list could automatically be made public, allowing anyone to see who a user corresponded with most frequently. [P]rivacy experts immediately pointed out this could cause problems for journalists, businesses or even people having an illicit affair."

google: buzz privacy

and then click on "news" to read about it

here is a Washington Post article:

Google Buzz Privacy Issues Have Real Life Implications

here is an excerpt from a now made private blog:

"See for example this story of an anonymous woman who writes a (self-proclaimed) feminist blog, which she started after leaving an abusive marriage. (found on Hacker News)Hint: the title is 'Fuck you, Google'.An excerpt:I use my private Gmail account to email my boyfriend and my mother.There?s a BIG drop-off between them and my other ?most frequent? contacts.You know who my third most frequent contact is?My abusive ex-husband.Which is why it?s SO EXCITING, Google, that you AUTOMATICALLY allowed all my most frequent contacts access to my Reader, including all the comments I?ve made on Reader items, usually shared with my boyfriend, who I had NO REASON to hide my current location or workplace from, and never did."

turned off anonymous comments

2010-01-15T18:33:00.001-06:00

too much Russian spam posts...

unknown Canadian Maritime reader, if you ever want to leave a note (hint, hint), you'll have to create a dummy account at least for now (for the time being)

it's done

2009-12-19T00:12:00.003-06:00

got a call on monday at just after 5 while i was in texas

they got the cheque at 4:57pm

it was deposited in my account on tuesday afternoon by my lawyer

more when i have the mental fortitude to tell you the details

i'm tired - still exhausted from a hard core 2000 mile drive (my parents) from here to texas in 3 days and a day long flight home wednesday and piling straight back into work on thursday

i have instructed my lawyer to update the divorce filing from 2007 and get it done

it should be done while i am in the sunny caribbean after christmas for 2 weeks

can you believe the stbx told my daughter she missed me?

maybe it's true,

but i think she should have thought of that before

aaaaaaarrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!

2009-12-07T14:01:00.002-06:00

as sent to Smitten in an email moments ago:

my lawyer promptly called me back from the message i just left

the word he had on friday was that they had the bank transfers

her lawyer, that is

[my lawyer] "had a run in" with [her lawyer] and told her "come on - this
much time - this can't be anything but stalling"

her lawyer denied it

[my lawyer] pressed them for interest, because the only one getting the
benefit is her [stbx]

they promise expeditiousness

he thinks that even her lawyer is complicit in stalling, and considers
it to be quite improprietous professional conduct

he thinks maybe we'll see some cash this week...

day 19 of 7...

2009-12-01T16:29:00.001-06:00

email to lawyer:

Subject: bank says i'm still on the mortgage, and there are no flags to indicate a transfer...

i just got off the bank with the branch in an official phone call to them about the status of the mortgage that my name is on

they tell me that there are no flags or messages with regard to the mortgage being transferred

they said something might be on a mortgage officer's desk, but that nothing shows in their system, and that they can't give me anything other than what shows up under my name

the lady told me that unless i can give them the name of a mortgage officer who is being dealt with they can't get any more information

is there any proof she has even talked to the bank?

is there any proof being offered by her lawyer that she/they are doing anything other than jerking me around some more?

----

called [property registry]

my name is still on the property title and there is no indication of a title transfer request on the record

----

i am seriously choked

19 days of 7

stbx at the bank

2009-11-29T13:25:00.002-06:00

i have been floating in a void of no information

i have been harassing my lawyer daily

he is sick of this. he is only doing family law because my lawyer is on maternity leave, and the other family law lawyer left the firm. so the others have to pick up the cases.

he is sick of the stbx and her bullshit - terribly

in one of our meetings he told me he "now understood" my anger and frustration when he looked at the the file - which is about 6 inches thick...

he sent me this email on friday

Re: day 15 of 7 - any word on anything?

[cadbury], I am out of the office most of today. I did hear that mortgage documents were the issue and I have followed up.
-----Original Message-----
From: [cadbury]
To: [lawyer]
Sent: 11/27/2009 10:17:18 AM
Subject: day 15 of 7 - any word on anything?

has anyone on the other side even returned a phone call?

is there any information on anything?

[cadbury]

i was not satisfied with this amount of information because i believe the stbx is not acting in good faith and is actively stalling for every day she can - it is her pattern - a minute, and hour, a day, a week - stall, stall, stall

so i went to the bank. i am still on the mortgage. i was going to talk to a mortgage officer and find out if there was "anything i needed to do, or needed to instruct my lawyer to do" to facilitate disposition of the title transfer. iwas going to be utterly sincere, explain how i don't talk much with the stbx, but that she had said there was some kind of authorisation thing that was held up, and that she had told me that i needed to sign something at the bank - and could they tell me what i needed to do or have my lawyer do

they wouldn't tell me very much, but what they would tell me would verify whether she had even been to the bank to talk to them, and might allow me to glean a little information

i was, and am, of the opinion that she hadn't done anything and that it was only the threat of suing that would motivate her

----

i got to the bank

i was waiting for the mortgage receptionist to get off the phone, when

guess who walked in?

the stbx

she looked directly at me, but gave no acknowledgment. i gave none to her either.

she turned her back to me and waited

i waited for a minute because i had not anticipated this possible situation. i thought she would be on her way to work at that moment.

then i left

at least we know she was at the bank and waiting to talk to a mortgage officer...

day 14 of 7

2009-11-26T11:40:00.001-06:00

still no money

still no word from my lawyer

my lawyer seems to be avoiding my calls

as of yesterday the property registry says my name is still on the registry

title transfers take 3.5 days with another day for transmittal...

fuck

7 days (and holding)

2009-11-19T12:13:00.002-06:00

sent the following to my lawyer:

Subject: any word on settlement payment?

as above

not expecting they will have it done, just wondering if there is any
word as to their progress.

the thing that i am fearful of, is that she/they have done essentially
nothing and will stall for 2 or 3 weeks on getting this done

----

lawyer called me back to say that all he has heard is the whistling wind

he hasn't even been able to reach her lawyer(s)

the agreement says i'm supposed to get my money 7 days from signing. it's now 9 days since the fully countersigned documents were returned to her lawyer

he has left a voicemail reminding her of the 7 day provision. he advised them that we understand that it might take a day or two extra, especially with the Remembrance Day holiday in there. he reminded them that we are now in a position to take enforcement action against them and force the sale of the house, among other remedies. he has asked for their estimate of when it will be done.

----

daughter told me that the stbx told her flat out that she was stalling as long as she could because "she thinks she'll be broke as soon as she pays you"

as always, if they say it isn't about the money - it's about the money...

Jewish Santa

2009-11-19T09:43:00.002-06:00

I'm going to be out of country (driving my parents to Texas [hopefully meeting Sicilian while down there - she lives very near our route]) when the clinic's childrens' Christmas Party is on. I would have been Santa otherwise.

But, being as I will be some 2000 miles away...

And being as there is a shortage of males on staff, and the various husbands and partners are not very good sports [grump].

The boyfriend of one of our staffers is going to be Santa.

He's from New York (metro). He's Jewish. He's studying to be a Rabbi. Lived in Israel on a Kibbutz and all the rest...

(I am friends with them - he's hilarious)

This is one of the funniest absurdities I have encountered in some time.

(He says that he wants to be known to the adults as "Morty Claus" from Macy's.)

Hey - Jesus was Jewish too...

illness screening centre

2009-11-10T15:19:00.003-06:00

i am being somewhat circumspect in my language in this post because i don't particularly want to pop up on any search engines for the normal terms used.

as you are aware the hospitals and medical system here is government run and paid for. there are private clinics (usually owned by the doctors at the clinic) that bill to the government. the private labs also bill the government - it's sort of hybrid between a full state system and an insurance/HMO kind of deal - except no-one gets turned down. the medical care insurance commission (which may not be even called that anymore) is a giant bill paying centre. you show up at a medical practitioner, show them your health card (government issue), and everything else is just auto-magically taken care of. all the billing is direct between the provider and the government. no deductables, no forms (patient forms - the provider sends all the paperwork and electronic billing).

lots of the specialists are on salary and some level of fee for service.

i work in a large co-op clinic (theoretically "owned" and controlled by the members) that is "arms length" from the government/department of health, but is fully funded by the government.

the emergnecy departments are being swamped by people with flu symptoms. over 300 a day (our community only has about 350,000 people at most in urban/rural coverage area)

300 people a day extra is a fair volume.

so our clinic volunteered to be the screening centre - regular and the "porcine" variety. we have all been immunised for a couple of weeks already as health care workers (some staff didn't get immunised, but only a couple)

it's really interesting to be part of this kind of an organisational effort to "tool up" for handling this. everything from needing metal garbage cans (sterilisation), parking logistics, line ropes, ordering extra masks, blah, blah

it's really kind of cool

i am totally a "systems" guy. i love knowing the tiny details about how things run, and all the little tricks and bits that allow systems to run - everything from manufacturing plants to laundry facilities to sewage to power plants and grids to road crews - i'm on it. physical plant and methods of organisation. i want to know. every detail.

this is neat

also, being the new guy and the "man about the house" in the circle of 56 long term employed women, i'm culturally less likely to be all bitchy about all the extras that have to be done to make this work. i am afraid that my long term employed/unionised comrades (i'm union too - former shop steward and provincial labour council member, i might add) are concerned more with how this might inconvenience them, than in just getting the job done...

so, even though i'm the computer guy/privacy officer, i fix toilets, buy garbage cans, put up rope lines, move furniture, run cables and power, paint, cover open areas and wipe walls with germicides

i figure i'm being paid to work. this is a special situation, and everyone can bend a little to meet the need.

there are a lot of sick people out there and there will be a lot more when this peaks in the projected 4 - 6 weeks.

it's still pretty neat

and further fucking around begins...

2009-11-10T11:23:00.003-06:00

so i sign the documents this morning.

my lawyer [R] says that the stbx's lawyer [J] has advised him that the stbx says that financing is not in place. nothing is prepped. she [J] says.

the stbx has been telling me and the mediators that everything was ready to go and that all i had to do was sign the transfer agreements. since june she's been saying this.

now, nothings done. they say.

fuck

well, it's predictable. at least the agreement is signed and it stipulates that they have 7 days to come up with the money. they signed it.

i will so sue. and so fast.

i have a contract now. they will have some defense against a suit if they can prove that they are diligently and expeditiously following up on their end of the contract. but if they try to delay for any reason, i will be so on their ass.

i have something to work with now

she doesn't have all the control anymore

whomever said "possession is nine-tenths of the law", sure knew what they were talking about. but now i have a contract (settlement).

----

i told my lawyer to complete the divorce proceedings. i filed a year or two ago, but it was never completed. he is sending the sign-off documents when he returns their signed copies of the settlement so that the stbx can sign the divorce stuff right away - the stbx will have to go in to sign various transfer documents. we'll see what her reaction is to having the divorce papers that fast.

i hope it makes her ears bleed

----

i have requested my lawyer draw up a new will to replace the interim documentation that i had put together after separating.

i am establishing a trust for my kids money - no-way they are getting their hands on any cash until they are much older and straightened out a bit.

i am putting in some provision for Smitten

and that's pretty much it

i don't have much

$350,000 or so in life insurance through the Knights of Columbus, i have to check and see what my work group life plan is... and then whatever is left of any assets after debts.

i figure i put the $350 towards the kids, and the rest to Smitten.

not that i'm planning on dying soon

you see, now i have a life to live

she signed

2009-11-09T23:40:00.003-06:00

she signed the settlement

today - they waited until 4:47pm to have it arrive at my lawyer's office - 5pm was the deadline for the deal to be off.

the last deadline was friday at 5pm. they said thursday that they would sign on friday, because otherwise we would be in court. and then at 3:30pm sent my lawyer an email that said that the stbx had another urgent matter to attend to (turned out to be changing her parents' shower head). they promised monday. this morning i sent back a note that said that i would not extend the deadline again and that my lawyer had instructions to draft the court documents to be delivered to the court on tuesday morning.

4:47pm

3 years, 4 months, 9 agreements and deals with numerous side deals, 2 formal lawyer drafted agreements later

she signed

fuck i hate her

i hate her so much

her actions all the way through say what kind of a human being she is.

i am so better off without her

as much as i can keep her away

she can still fuck me around on taking her sweet time on paying me - even though there is a 7 day clause - she'll still fuck with me

as soon as the papers with my signature are delivered to her lawyer, my lawyer has instructions to file the actual divorce documents

waiting

soon

attention Canadian Maritime reader

2009-10-28T22:13:00.003-06:00

did you move from Halifax to a neighbouring province?

i still don't know who you are

(you also use a mac and firefox [and that's all i know...])

someday you should say hello - even if only as an anonymous comment

i hereby dub you "Maritimer" if you don't have an ID

3 weeks wait, still pending

2009-10-27T00:29:00.003-06:00

three weeks ago i dropped off the draft agreement

three weeks ago she said it looked swell

two weeks ago she said she'd be signing it by that friday

last week i told my lawyer (my lawyer has been a total slackass) to tell stbx and her team that if we didn't have a response by friday we'd be in court

late thursday we get a note saying they'll be with us on monday

got a response today with yet more retarded and bizarre demands

and more attempts to bilk more money out of me

i sent my response to my lawyer for drafting

and wait some more

----

more on this tomorrow (maybe)

can it get worse? oh, yes it can...

2009-10-25T17:34:00.008-06:00

maybe i'll write more, maybe not

i'm so shellshocked i'm in a stupor

----

as part of the review of the statutory rape stuff with daughter there is also a mandatory family and environment review with regard to the minor involved (daughter).

i'm not in any danger

once again, i'm the only sane human being involved in the whole process. so the "authorities" review the situation and conclude that the stbx is nuts, that my children are fucked, but there is nothing they can do because there is one sane person in the picture.

and bad parenting and being a wingnut freak is not something they can do anything about. they can't intervene when the stbx hits daughter, as long as it isn't very much...

they can't order her into counseling because she doesn't pose a "clear danger" to daughter

they can't even officially urge anyone to go to counseling

but they can lump all the case details together and dump it all on me and tell me i need to try to get everyone involved to go for counseling. and try to get them to not be so fucked.

i hate this

----

it looks like my idiot son managed to incriminate himself

one of the things that came out in all of this is that there was some sexual interplay between son and daughter in the summer of 2006 when they were on vacation with their mother

(why is it that all the crap seems to happen on her watch, hmmm?)

it was not intercourse and it appears to have been a one time event

but son was 14 and daughter was 10 at the time. so he may get charged.

probably not, but he might

i'm not paying for a defense lawyer if he does. he's 18 (in a week) he can go to legal aid. he would get charged as a minor because the event occurred as a minor.

even though daughter initiated it - self admittedly - he was old enough - there's no excuse.

----

i know that shit happens between brothers and sisters sometimes... it's in the fucking bible...

it was a one time event, i'm told

so, i can cope with the event

there is no indication that he was acting in a predatory manner

the police and children's justice have reached that conclusion as well

----

there has been a bunch of spill-over behaviours and other shit that now makes sense to me

including son's anger about something that he would never discuss

some of daughter's weird sexually expressive behaviour (hanging out in skimpy bra and panties) around son...

----

i am really unsure of how to process all of this

i guess the thing that really infuriates me is that son didn't think through the consequences of his actions when he went to the police

there are spillover consequences for a whole lot of people - this doesn't just affect him or her and spills out in a lot places to a lot of people

this is a small enough community - if word of all of this crap starts to leak out it is going to make life very uncomfortable for everyone - but especially for daughter who still has to go to school...

the rest of us can leave and hide and things

----

son is out of control

i had already packed most of his shit

i am packing the last of it

i've asked for my keys back and told him he is not welcome here. not because of what he did with his sister (i still don't have the full details on what went down) but because he is out of control and i don't trust him

he is disloyal;

self-centred;

hypocritical;

self-righteous (without any basis for that righteousness);

and is not a team player.

he is dangerous to have anywhere near me.

i don't want him around. all of this could have been dealt with in counseling and in a softer manner. the police have only some fairly blunt instruments to use - like criminal charges

----

he was pressured into reporting this by his cousins

got all worked up and told to be a hero

and then left dangling

without having thought everything through

i believe that the stbx and her sister (cousins' mother) manipulated this set of events. it fits their past actions and profile.

they just had no clue of anything beyond the statutory rape stuff with the older guy

----

the police/children's justice would have had to be involved at some level because the counselors would have been legally bound to report it - and so they should - but if it was already in intensive counseling things would have gone a different way...

----

i cut off his phone and cut off his gym membership. i will still have to pay them out - $250 to buy out the cell phone contract. another year on the gym at $50 per month - but i can extract some of that value in extra training and benefits for me

daughter still isn't going to exercise

so that's another wasted $50 a month for her membership too

----

no good deed goes unpunished

----

either i have some serious karmic shit happening to me from a past life...

or, i don't know what

----

how does this happen?

really

i'm a nice guy

a really nice guy

how does this happen?

i try to be good and accommodating and nice

and what?

----

Smitten says that no-one who gets involved with a person with borderline personality disorder gets out unscathed

----

my lesson

the one i have really learned

don't accommodate anyone or anything

my way or the highway

in any situation now, if something strikes me as wrong or not the way i want it i am pushing back

it's a new behaviour

but the whole good christian/socialist/nicey nice thing has just seen people run over me and use me

i've decided that until someone proves themselves to be a thinking human being that conforms to my notions of loyalty and thinking ability...

that i am going to treat them in exactly the manner i would treat a dog

i like dogs

i like dogs a lot

but they are not people

they have their own sense of the universe and most of that sense has to do with who is up and who is down

if one dog allows another dog to steal its food the other dog will

they have a highly defined power hierarchy

and the big dog snarls and kicks the shit out of the others

----

you see

there are no points and little respect for being nice

people will treat you the way that you allow them to treat you

and if they think they can push or shove or finagle their own way

they will

without regard for what happens to you

without regard for you

and if you are always generous and accommodating - they will perceive it as weakness

and treat you as weak

and treat you without respect

----

no more

august, september, october pics

2009-10-11T10:24:00.010-06:00

the above is Tony Bennett. yes - the Tony Bennett - as taken from my cell phone (Tony is the standing/singing figure). got free tickets, went to see him with Smitten the other night. a good reminder of what life and its trials and tribulations has beaten out of us. we are going to try to do more fun things and have more fun.

and less burden...

a previous attempt at living - a sunday afternoon jazz session at a little cafe in small artsy town near our city

a meal like we eat together

the yams and the plate on the right are smitten's - her dietary limitations continue. we don't know what to do. but this one allergist thinks they might have an idea.

she's down to being able to eat about 9 things - on a good day... she gets pain pretty much any time she eats anything

my vitamins

when i was 13 (like my daughter is now) i never imagined i'd be 44 sitting in an apartment by myself counting out my vitamins because i have a stress disorder because of my psychotic ex...

there were more porsches and beaches and private jets

at least i have the hot babe girlfriend part of my adolescent fantasy ;-P

(picture posted with permission)

We both like this pic because of the contrast, and even the graininess of the picture

Smitten's groovy dual screen set-up in her home office. It's hard to believe this lady was anti-computer 3 and a bit years ago. Now she has 3 laptops among the 5 computers now in her house (she will be ditching one of the desktops with her most recent acquisition of a laptop for her daughter (she also has an additional work laptop...)

I had arrived at Smitten's place one night a few weeks ago with cold beer and several bottles of wine (unfortunately she can't drink wine for the time being - trial and error has shown that she can tolerate a few ales, gin, and Glennfiddich 12 year...). She was just wearing underwear and a t-shirt and I decided it was time to nibble on her leg to tease her. She was doing research on her computer. I wandered out after spending some time nibbling... when I arrived back she had changed into the above outfit to tease and bait me in return.

It was very warm, so I decided to lie down on the hardwood floor (a cool place with a good view) and was inspired to take a few cell phone pics from that vantage point.

Please keep in mind, these pictures were just what they were - not intended for posting - just farting about with a cell phone and having some fun. Now shared with friends.

----

being mindful of the four pillars is one of our goals that we have renewed

hence Tony Bennett, hence Sunday jazz

return to living a life of joy

stuff

2009-10-08T20:00:00.002-06:00

they are going to charge the two guys that daughter got together with (on separate occasions...). they are waiting until a more senior detective gets back to do some more stuff on the case.

----

2 sessions of the eating disorder group so far

had an epiphany

the leaders asked us to do some free-association with words - pumpkin pie, broccoli, raw oysters, turkey and so on. my word - really, this is true - the word that popped up with every food except for raw oysters (sex) was "mom"

the group leader (my co-worker) said - alright then - i think this shows some continuity, [cadbury]

they did an exercise where we were supposed to identify triggers for eating. examples were things like watching a movie, thanksgiving, celebration and such, bad day, "deserve a treat". none of the triggers that the others identified did anything for me. the rest of the group is women. all the triggers worked for them. not for me.

so i thought "when do i binge?"

when i am hungry AND after having to remain in control and even keeled for an extended duration. when i'm weak and frustrated.

then there was an exercise about how food is used. for example to soothe a child.

the leader asked "what elese could we do for that child?". someone said "hold them", "give them a hug"

all of a sudden out of my mouth pops the sarcastic and loudly stated:

"I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'D DO ANYTHING. WHY WOULDN'T YOU JUST SAY "SUCK IT UP", GET OVER IT. GET YOUR HEAD SCREWED ON STRAIGHT. STOP SNIVELLEING. WHY AREN'T YOU DOING SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT? LIKE BUILDING A STRUCTURE OR A MULTI-STORY BUILDING OR SOMETHING? wouldn't that be more effective?"

(i don't believe any of the above and have never practiced it)

the lady sitting next to me says "i agree with him. just tell them to suck it up"

i said "uh, that's not my opinion - it's my dad's"

and then it all started to come together

and i realised

control
discipline
duty
order
responsibility
don't cry
don't shirk
what is the use of play when there's work to be done?

Dad

food
love

Mom

just when it can't get any better

2009-10-06T00:36:00.000-06:00

[i've been trying to write this since friday... but it just won't come out]

my son goes to the police and reports the statutory rape of his sister (you remember Plan B...?) when daughter(13) the 18 year old dude come into her room on that july sunday morning and have sex with her...

he doesn't tell me he's doing this - he's asked about it, but not said he was going to do it. i had told him what happened when i called in about it - when the police wouldn't take my report and said i had to go talk to a lawyer first...

he texts me to ask me what day it happened. i won't answer because i don't want him to shit on his sister more. then he texts me he's in the middle of filing a police report

anyway - lousy narrative here - but i am having such problems typing this

he files. i ask him what he wanted to accomplish, and what he expected this to do, and how he sees his move playing out.

he doesn't have any answer except that this might make his sister stop - as he calls it: "whoring around" - and that it would put fear into any older teens that might think about banging her.

i cannot even begin to describe how much danger there is to inviting the police and social services to come investigate your lives unless you are fucking mary poppins.

anyway - the detective interviewed me friday. it went ok - he seems intent on only dealing with the statutory rape issue. we'll see how social services deals with the situation.

he interviewed daughter on saturday

i talked to the detective today. everything is going ok for now.

i am very worried about daughter. she has gone silent and distant.

i think she's numb - can't accept this adult outcome

she was always ambivalent about her actual sexual activities - even if she thought she really wanted them and thought about sex all the time

and now the two guys have been charged. both over 18.

this on top of all of son's other erratic behaviour, i am quite concerned. i intend to ask for his keys back. i have just dismantled the bunk bed. her will not be moving back in until i see serious behaviour changes and i believe i can trust him again

----

there is so much more to say on all this, but i am so stunned and overwhelmed and fucked over by all this i just can't formulate the words

overeating group

2009-09-30T17:44:00.003-06:00

so i'm in the lunchroom at the clinic here, and i am talking about women and my mother and such, and i crack off with an old line of mine "Food loved me long before anyone else did... except for maybe my mom - and you know - mom's and food... food is love..."

it elicited the usual yuks. except not from our nutritionist, who said "sounds like you should be coming to our group"

a group hosted by her and one of our clinic psychologists. a group on overeating and/or using food as an emotional crutch.

it was sort of a throw-away line from her too.

then i had to fix the computer and projector while the afternoon group was on - and heard some of what the people in the group were saying

and it really hit home - they were saying a lot of the same things i have in my battle with food and eating

i thought about it for the afternoon

then i signed up

my first group session is 12 minutes from now

she phoned

2009-09-26T18:55:00.002-06:00

i dropped off the agreement last night. my lawyer sent it to her lawyer, but her lawyer was busy and didn't respond and didn't send it to her.

i know, because i called and asked

so i dropped a copy off

she called this morning. she said it looked pretty good as far as she was able to read and interpret the legalese.

she wandered into how she really wasn't ripping me off (after i pointed out that i was absorbing the whole cost of her bad investment ($3000) instead of half, like would really be fair (among other points)

according to her, the fact that she was the primary earner when we paid off my student loan 20 years ago is the reason she should get more...

whatever

i just said that the whole thing wasn't really debatable - but that she shouldn't claim hardship because she's getting a really good deal

i cut the call off fairly quickly

however, it sounds like she's going to bite

that would be so great

i can't wait

settlement , separation, interspousal agreement completed and sent to her lawyer

2009-09-24T20:20:00.000-06:00

now comes the waiting

it may be over soon

voicemail

2009-09-22T12:01:00.005-06:00

[update] if you read this in original form, but haven't read the update at the bottom - you'll want to check it out [update]

voicemail from about 6:05 yesterday:

Hi [cadbury] it's [stbx]

I just got a call from the police

and I think you should ask your young son, there

what his run in with the police was

it wasn't very serious

but... his activities are starting to catch up to him

aahhhhhhh, he didn't get charged, Lief did

they only charged him with, uhhhhhh, violation of the property act

but, they did find him in possession of marijuana

so, our young son is going to be 18 in November

and I am kind of glad this happened because he is starting to see... that... there's consequences

but you might want to talk to him

you might not

i just thought i'd let you know

since you are indeed a par... his...

parent

and you might want to know that he's had a little run-in with the law

over... over this

and he might or might not want to discuss it with you

b-bye

[click]

----

[UPDATE]

fucking stbx...

mountain out of a molehill

for God's sake. what an asshat!

"violation of the property act"?

i thought his buddy had done a break and enter or something - which would be out of character - but that is what crossed my mind...

they crossed some railroad tracks in a switching yard while walking between some friends' houses...

----

we have Railway Police here, as do many countries around the world - including the U.S. In fact, CN (Canadian National) and CP (Canadian Pacific) Railway Police operate in the U.S. as a private police force in several regions bordering Canada where Canadian railway companies bought pieces of U.S. railways. For example, in the US three railway police services, Illinois Central Railroad Police, Grand Trunk Railway Police and Wisconsin Central Transportation Police amalgamated into the CN Police Service. CP Police are deployed throughout the CP Rail System in the USA.

"The appointment, commissioning and regulation of railroad police under Section 1704 of the U.S. Crime Control Act of 1990, provides that: "A railroad police officer who is certified or commissioned as a police officer under the laws of any one state shall, in accordance with the regulations issued by the U. S. Secretary of Transportation, be authorized to enforce the laws of any other state in which the rail carrier owns property."

It is important to note that Section 1704 also states that this police authority is to "the extent of the authority of a police officer certified or commissioned under the laws of that jurisdiction". While a railroad police officer may have general peace officer authority in some states such as California, they are limited to the railroad's property in other states.

The status of railroad police officers varies by state, in that they are commissioned by the Governor of the state in which they reside and/or work in and they may carry both state level arrest powers and some interstate arrest powers as allowed by 49 USC 28101. Although railroad police primarily enforce laws on or near the railroad right-of-way, their police officers can enforce other laws and make arrests off of railroad property depending on the state in which they are working.

Depending upon the state or jurisdiction, railroad police officers may be considered certified police officers, deputized peace officers, or company special agents."

"Railway Police Services are responsible for all aspects of railway security. They are duly appointed and armed police officers that gather their authority in Canada via the Railway Safety Act.

The Railway Safety Act (Canada) is a federal act that allows for any Federal Railway to appoint officers as Police Constables. These railway police constables have all the powers of a regular police officer as it relates to the protection of property owned, possessed or administered by a railway company and the protection of persons and property on that property. Railway Police are unique in Canada as they are essentially a private company that employs sworn Police Officers. These officers were trained at the RCMP Academy until 2005, and are now trained at one of the provincial police colleges.

In Canada officers are federally sworn under section 44.1 - Railway Safety Act granting powers as Police Constables and have the same powers of arrest as any police officer in Canada as 'Peace Officers' under Section 2 of the Criminal Code of Canada. Their federal oath of office primarily directs their duties 'on and along' the lines of the CN. Officers also have special provincial appointments which allow for them to extend provincial enforcement outside the boundaries set under the Railway Safety Act of Canada, except in Quebec.

Some of the crimes railroad police investigate include trespassing on the right-of-way of a railroad, assaults against passengers, terrorism threats targeting the railroad, arson, tagging of graffiti on railroad rolling stock or buildings, signal vandalism, pickpocketing, ticket fraud, robbery and theft of personal belongings, baggage or freight. Other incidents railroad police investigate include derailments, train/vehicle collisions, vehicle accidents on the right of way, and hazardous materials releases.

The primary goal of Canadian Rail Police officers is protect rail commerce and rail infrastructure. The three main focused mandates are:

1) Traffic enforcement and collision investigations, to reduce deaths and injuries along rail lines and properties. 2) Criminal and provincial investigation including Crime Prevention (CPTED.) 3) Public Safety and Awareness Education."

- almost all of the above ripped off from wikipedia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Railway_police

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canadian_Pacific_Railway_Police_Service

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canadian_National_Railway_Police

----

they had just smoked a bowl while they were walking

the guy smelled it and demanded they cough up their dope

they did, he wrote a trespassing ticket for the one guy amongst the three of them that was older than 18, and kept the dope and the dude's pipe - and they called the stbx

fuck

while it may be a run-in with the law, her penchant for drama must has overcome her again

you see - the stbx has gotten what she wanted - her son moved home

now,

because she is incompetent as a parent and as a human being, she is trying to draw me back in on parenting issues (more details on that in a different post) - after slagging me for so long about my parenting - and blaming me for everything that goes wrong

(just like she is trying to blame me for daughter having sex with that dude - when it happened at 10:30 am just a few feet from her bedroom - because she was "too tired" to drive him home

but it's still my fault)

aaaarrrrgggghhhh!

but i digress

----

yes - a brush with the law

about as rough as a speeding ticket

a ticket for crossing railroad tracks

settlement pending (maybe...)

2009-09-17T11:01:00.005-06:00

(Readers: if you spot a real name or location or company name please let me know immediately so i can remove it)

----

SUPER LONG POST WARNING

----

mediation is theoretically complete - that is the "Agreement provisions" noted below

i am down about $4,000 - $7,000 from the last agreement arrived at in June. why? because i agreed to assume several more little pieces of debt and shit because i just want it all done.

and the bitch actually had the nerve to try to shake my hand at the end of that session - after jerking me around since June. And then gypping me out of several thousand more dollars after torturing me for the whole summer with her: now i'm buying you out, now we're selling, no we're not, now i'm buying you out, now we're selling, now i'm refusing to answer phone calls from your lawyer, my lawyer, the mediators... runaround.

why can't we just go to court? because there is a legal requirement (written right into the law) for mediation in the event of agreement impasse in separation. the government pays for the mediation and provides departmental mediators for free - but the courts generally require mediation and "good faith" negotiation before accepting any petition on a settlement.

she pushes every boundary

she only went back to mediation because I, my lawyers, her lawyers, AND the mediators threatened her if she didn't

i want away from her so bad

i cannot stand the chaos she brings to everything

she ups the volume at every turn because that is all she knows how to do

even the mediators don't want to deal with her anymore. her lawyers don't want to deal with her. this is her third set of lawyers. they even had to move her from the more junior lawyer who was handling her in her law firm to the most senior because she is so psychotic and unstable.

and my lawyers...

they all (mine, hers, the mediators) pressured me to just accept the lower price because their estimation is that with her crap it will end up costing me way more even if i'm already taking a low-ball right now

also, the possibility exists that when they get some additional staff at her work that her workplace might put pressure on her about her bullshit there

i want an agreement signed that will prevent her from suing for support and i want it signed fast before she has a breakdown (a real potential in my estimation - and i know her better than anyone else in the world)

(and before i have a breakdown)

she is demanding there be provisions in the agreement that i can't touch her pesnion - i am using that as cover to remove all future support rights and such from the final legal agreement - we have to explicitly waive all those rights under local law. our divorce laws are the stuff of fantasy for liberal activists in the U.S. - all equitable and decent and fair and protecting and negotiation promoting and conciliation demanding. good stuff when one of the parties is not psycho... i support the laws. i helped write the policy that created them. being the good socialist i am, i thought (and still do) that it is the most solid protection for spouses and children.

but not for me. with a psycho ex. and a system designed to protect women who most often get the wrong end of the stick. which i believe in.

it just hasn't helped me

----

i am using narcotics like candy - well, that's an exaggeration - but being the abstemious user of alcohol and drugs i usually am, my current usage pattern bothers me a lot (pot [most nights before sleep] and codeine). i'm on on muscle relaxants and another variety of pain blocker. i could get a prescription and be fully legal for the marijuana since it's a standard treatment option for fibromyalgia in Canada. i am still considering that option, but i don't have the will or the emotional/psychological capability to deal with the complicated legal requirements when i can get good quality local organic shit with a single phone call. and i don't intend to stay on it beyond the point when my pain dies down. hopefully once the agreement is done and the divorce is done - i didn't need anything (prescription or otherwise) for the first 8 months after leaving the cow

(all apologies to my bovine friends - it is insulting to them to compare her to cows. i like cows. i like dogs. i like pigs and other animals too [not so much cats, but i still play with them and enjoy them]. but i digress...)

pot nowadays is way stronger than when i actually smoked much in the past...

i take about 4 drags from my pipe - a pinch immediately before sleep. that way my usage pattern is about altering sleep and not about the fun of being high [later edit]a gram, or 1/28th of an ounce lasts me a couple of weeks or more even when i am using it each night[/edit]

i am under doctor supervision on all of this (though unofficial on the pot because of the legal issues), under counseling supervision, under psychiatric supervision (even my kids' psychiatrists are working to help me survive because they believe i am the only hope for my kids - and because they need a sane parent to deal with [the stbx is afraid to go near a psychiatrist and makes a lot of excuses to stay away from them]).

it aggravates me that i can't seem to be able to force a psychiatric review of the stbx

my lawyers and the counselors and the psychiatrists tell me that because she gives "good interview" that she would pretty much ace an independent assessment. and that they can't testify because of the fact that they are in conflict or already providing care or some shit - and that it has to be done by an "independent third party with no interest"

and that her psychosis only shows up after you've dealt with her for some months...

that i could force it, and subpoena them and such, but that they would be bound to fight the orders because of their legal position on patient privacy and confidentiality otherwise... and the kids' psychiatrists are government (department of health/health region) staff with the legal resources of government to help fight any order i might try to get. and the medical association, and the counselors association and the psychiatrists association would have to get intervenor status against me too...

because institutionally they have to protect their general position from super assholes who would interfere for not good reasons

they are all very sorry. and so are their lawyers. whom they say they have spoken too. and i believe them. because we had to support a couple of these kinds of cases when we were still in government (16 years). because the larger institutional protection is more important in the long run...

so,

i'm not going to win

so i will suck it up and try to get the best deal i can

as i said to one of the mediators (paraphrased because i don't have exact wording with me right now):

"this is classic stbx - agree to something, when finally forced, then make the whole process so passive aggressive and aggravating and so torturous and painful that she gets her way in the end"

----

From: [cadbury]
Subject: Re: Personal & Confidential

On Wed, Sep 16, 2009 at 10:00:51AM -0600, [lawyer's assistant] wrote:
> From: [lawyer's assistant]
> Subject: Personal & Confidential
>
> The following is being sent on behalf of [lawyer]:
>
>
> [cadbury],
> Further to instructions received, we note that the Agreement provisions we received did not deal with custody of the children, child support, or spousal support. We have prepared a draft Agreement, including those items, for your review. Once you have had an opportunity to review this, we look forward to discussing whether we can proceed to forward this to [stbx lawyer] for his review.

Children:

5c: some language that:

we agree that we may make holiday arrangements months or even years in advance, especially in regard to travel.

some other language that says that each of us will not unreasonably withhold permission for children to travel outside of [province] - especially outside of Canada

(i intend to take the kids to Europe next year, and my parents go to Texas in the winter and we might want to go there)

Personal Property:

[stbx] has tried to edit/cull which photos i get access to already. is this language strong enough? She may claim that a picture that just has her and the kids in it is not a family photo... please rethink with a mind toward her actively trying to screw me over on getting copies of ALL the photos

Family Home:

this section is wrong

[stbx]is buying me out for the sum of $nnn,nnn

I am taking my name off the title

she will pay for the transfer of title and all the costs associated with closing out the existing primary mortgage

she will deal with any tax issues

there are only two things that will come out of the $nnn,nnn - NO OTHER ADJUSTMENTS!!! (one exception - an adjustment up for her paying half the cost of creating this agreement) I want to pay for absolutely nothing else. She is already getting a way better deal than she should

the two things that will be paid - and i would like them paid by [law firm] and proof of the payment and such being sent to her lawyers and all appropriate parties

1) the line of credit will be paid out and canceled - both names are on it so she/we will need to sign some kind of document that authorises you folks to pay it out and close it.

2) the payment of $2400 to my parents

under 19

do we need to list any of the debts? eg [cadbury] VISA, MC [stbx] VISA

----

New provision:

[stbx] agrees to pay half the cost of creating this agreement

----

Divorce:

can we sign any appropriate papers with regard to getting divorced at the same time? would doing it all at once expedite the process?

if we could wrap everything up at the same time that would be super swell

----

From: [cadbury]
Subject: Re: Personal & Confidential

two other things that need to be addressed in the agreement:

1) currently we have an agreement that i use [son] as the equivalent to spouse (or whatever it's called now) and [stbx] uses [daughter].

[son] turns 18 on Nov 5, so that is the end of that deduction

i need advice as to what the best way to handle the remaining deduction.

do we each claim half (if that's possible) or does one of us claim her wholly and pay the other parent half the net deduction?

i assume you folks have the accounting/tax/whatever expertise in shop to answer that question

if you have to go outside for the advice - by all means (billable...)

the solution on this one should be equitable for both [stbx] and I

2) [son] is a minor for 2 more months. i want additional language in the agreement that the settlement covers the value of support payments for Sept, Oct, Nov of this year for [son]. he has been living full time with his mom since about June.

i also want to know whether I am obligated for support payments after he turns 18.

he is supposed to be working. he dropped out of high school and has been sitting on his ass since May smoking pot in his mom's basement because i told him to leave my place (he refused to even wash his own dishes or the dishes of his friends [and there were a lot of them...] or even pick up after himself [even when given several days to get around to it]). he refused to apply for jobs, then got one through a friend (and got fired for not showing up and being late all the time).

he will theoretically be finishing his grade 12 through web classes and theoretically working at least part-time.

i don't want to pay shit for him.

not that i wouldn't be glad to at a moments notice. i offered to buy him a car if he would just motivate himself enough to get his license. i offered to pay for private lessons since he managed to not have enough motivation to sign up for the driver training offered through his school. none of which has come to pass... he won't even ask him mom (who works at [licensing bureau/government owned insurance company]) to bring home a driver training manual from work (how much less effort could there be than that?)

i have withdrawn my offer to buy a car ($3000 contribution offer - from age 14 to May of this year)

i offered to pay tutors (he's french immersion) and/or tutor him myself to get him through the end of his grade 12. he refused/demurred. i offered to pay half the tuition for his university/[tech institute] computer multimedia course ($14,000.00 total tuition). i said i would pay all of it and then push/file suit on his mom for the other half if she resisted paying. and pay for books. but he needed to finish his grade 12.

i said i would pay for any post-secondary course he wanted to take in [our city], and would let him live with me and pay his food and such. but he had to do his own dishes... and finish his grade 12

i said i would pay for any tutors or help he needed

have i mentioned that he is a certified and tested genius?

as for action by him on any of the above... nada

i offered to take as many days off work as needed to drive him to everywhere he might want to apply for work.

i offered to drive him to school every morning (and used to).

i paid (and still pay) for bus tickets so he can theoretically have transport to look for work

i offered to buy and/or repair a bicycle

i have offered to back and support with time and money and intercession any efforts he might make toward school or work and/or counseling and/or medical treatment. all have been rejected

after leaving the caucus office June 2008, i went back to university. i dropped out of my classes twice (fall and winter semesters) because of the emotional problems my kids were having so that i could spend time with them ([son]'s breakdown and [daughter]'s cutting/depression/suicide watch). i stayed home full-time to help them - help him - [daughter] pulled herself up - but [son] - pot and attitude only

my parents keep offering him work at their place so he would have even a bit of work and dignity of income/work

----

i don't want to support [son]

i love him so deeply, but....

i will not support him until he makes even a token effort to help himself. i have done EVERYTHING possible - even my counselors have told me that i am doing too much to help him - but even that is not enough

i don't want to pay child support for [son]

----

i don't know if it is relevant, but i currently pay for [son] and [daughter]'s cell phones (about $50.00/mo each), and I also pay for their gym club memberships (contracts) that they have stopped using (about $55/mo each)

things

2009-09-08T08:15:00.002-06:00

some things going on:

1) mediation with stbx. she reneged on the buy-out that she agreed to. then she said she'd sell. then she reneged on that. now she is refusing to give any idea of how she wants to proceed. we are back in mediation.

the whole aggravating tale is for another post.

2) got into a fistfight with son on saturday. he agreed to apply for A job. that's it - just one if he could borrow some cash and such (about $20). he didn't do it. i told him i would cut off his cell phone if he didn't by 5pm saturday. i told him i would drive him to go apply for the job. i told him i would come and pick him up from the house. i phoned him 4 times over a two hour period to get him out of bed to be ready to go. he wasn't when i got there at about 3:30pm. he lipped me off something serious. i asked him if he wanted to go. he said "what are the rules?" i said "the rules are you and me right here, right now."

and we fought is that fucking garage. i hate that place

it wasn't that bad - my knees are worse for wear and he has some serious bruising on his abdomen...

but it was a little shocking it had to come to that

at some point i have to establish a boundary. and with young men (i still remember being one) this is sometimes the way boundaries have to be established. especially since i have established none in the past with my kids - they pretty much got what they wanted, and i pretty much forgave all their bullshit.

more on this later as well

3) i've "lost my religion"

my philosophical underpinnings for life...

i've become unmoored from them. this is a bigger deal for me than it may read.

this is really fucking me up

the world doesn't work the way i think it should

it's not a nice place

it's not a nice place turned bad because aome selfish people

it's just selfish to begin with - and doesn't want to become better. people don't want to find their way to the new Jerusalem - they don't want to "build a new Jerusalem in our green and pleasant land"

my children are selfish

they have betrayed me

and they do not see the way to the new Jerusalem either

----

i have to leave for mediation now

i am utterly

"whatever you guys did..."

2009-09-04T14:14:00.010-06:00

There is a woman at work. She is the "excitable" type.

She works in medical records and is a "fussy" kind of person. Very high strung. Anything that deviates from the exact norm is a crisis and a cause for a total flap.

Well, pretty much anything is the cause for a flap.

Something she does, no matter what happens, is blame me, or someone else, but usually me for the event. And I've only been here since May...

If the computer has an issue - often fixed by a reboot, her comment is "I don't know what you've [changed/done], but now it's not working."

Today I was following the fire extinguisher inspection guy around the building getting to know all the extinguisher stations around the building. Fire safety is now my responsibility too. Part of the "man about the house" component of my job, I guess. It happens more and more regularly. The only other guys are a doctor and a contract instructor who always hides in his office. So I am the "man on call" working with 54 women. Most (3/4) of whom are between the ages of 45 and 60 - but I digress...

I just got a call from her.

"[Cadbury], I don't know what you guys did to it when you were looking at the extinguisher this morning, but it's now fallen off the wall and it doesn't look like there is any way of re-attaching it."

I'm excited by the fact that she personalises every problem as being directly the result of my actions.

I will go look. I will find out that the extinguisher was mounted on drywall and the screws pulled out - just like one of the other stations i put in for repair today.

[put out]
And it's my fault. Of course.
[/put out]

[LATER EDIT]

When I went down to look at what had happened, she accurately identified the fact that the inspector had pivoted the extinguisher in its bracket. She also identified the fact that a heavy extinguisher was mounted just into drywall and not properly mounted. She helpfully advised me that she had taken note of the bracket in the lab which is also precarious and suggested I check the mountings on the rest of the building.

all good

all valid

all presented decently and appropriately

and i appreciate her pointing out the issues - really - i do. i need extra eyes - i am not everywhere.

but the initial call really put me off

i'm still the new guy here. i'm still edgy about being fingered as not knowing what i'm doing. which in an unfortunate number of instances, i don't.

because there is no documentation

i mean none

i got half a day's training on their systems

i am left to figure everything out on my own

and even with these inspections today. i get called at 9:20am for a 10am inspection and told i will just tag along with our 2nd in command (she is in charge while the executive director is on holidays). at 10am i'm told i'm on my own and to just handle it with the guy.

i have no clue where all the extinguishers are. they had no list. no map. i made the first list they have had. i had to go look for them in every area while he did each inspection.

i felt like a dumbass

like i do so often

good thing i was in politics and can fake aplomb in any situation - even when my boss had been publicly fired and is front page news or another has been charged with a criminal offense - both real situations i had to handle in the face of hostile media and police investigation(s)... but i digress (again)

so, i've put it on the work orders to fix the brackets

and realised that now that i am the "fire guy", in addition to being the computer dude, and the privacy officer, and toilet plunger, and toilet fixer, and dripping tap fixer, and the heating and cooling guy, and the on-call in the event of an alarm guy (during and after hours), and the pick-up the patient that fell in the bathroom guy, and the muscle in the event of a crazy person guy,

i am also the materials safety in the event of fire guy

which means i have to learn the WHMIS (Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System) for all the chemicals and crap in the clinic. which they only have a vague set-up for - mostly for stuff in the lab. they don't even have a proper listing of their hazardous materials (including specialised cleaning solvents and stuff for the x-ray machine and developer) and don't have an off-site nearby record of the specific location of any of the radioactive materials on site

"Why would we need that?"

FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

excuse me, but do you think that maybe the firemen who come to save your ass are going to want to know whether or not there are radioactive materials on fire nearby? do you think that it would be good to make sure that we have pre-notified materials location with the fire department? so that it comes up when we make the panicked 911 call? or they arrive in the middle of the night when there is no-one around to tell them about the radioactive materials they are about to breathe in?

i have an idea - do you have a binder or folder that contains the details of the last fire inspection and any of the notes?

fuck

good thing the stbx had a bizarro stupid unorganised situation with WHMIS stuff at her workplace some years ago and I helped her and her workmates write up their management requests to fix up their WHMIS and safety stuff - so i actually know something about all of this (stbx and her crew are all wrench and "fixer" people - not professional writers (one of the various things i do in life...). management had been ignoring their requests until i turned it into proper memo - then it became an emergency [yes - i am a communications god]).

([sotto voce] but i didn't ever provide any support to the stbx [eye-roll])

but again, i digress

i felt like an idiot

i had a person whose tone and words were shaped to make me feel that way

i have been given little documentation and am having to develop all my own shit

----

thanks for reading while i blow off a little steam

unbelievable... more stbx stupidity (not an abort)

2009-09-01T00:10:00.009-06:00

Subject: unbelievable... more stbx stupidity (not an abort)

the stbx says that she told me in a phone call

that "all you had to do was go to land titles and take your name off the property and you would have had your money already"

bullshit

had she said anything like that i would have taken the steps immediately

fucking lying bitch

lies to the kids

lies to me

lies to her family

lies to everyone

unbelievable

----

Subject: Re: unbelievable... more stbx stupidity (not an abort)

she is very self serving, and probably believes that she actually told you this. Remember that she is a delusional addict.

Something is up - and I bet that whatever her plans for the future are, are going positively ahead. And so she will completely forget or minimize all the nasties of the past that she has done, as she focuses on the/her future... Which, depends upon her selling the house easily.
The only reason she is selling is because it is meeting her needs.

As long as she is getting what she wants, it does not matter about anyone else. Immediate gratification.

You are well rid of her.

----

On Mon, Aug 31, 2009 at 12:57:49PM -0600, Smitten wrote:
> > From: Smitten
> > Subject: Re: unbelievable... more stbx stupidity (not an abort)
> > she is very self serving, and porobably believes that she actually told
> > you this. Remember that she is a delusional addict.

> > Cadbury wrote:
>> > >the stbx says that she told me in a phone call
>> > >that "all you had to do was go to land titles and take your name off the
>> > >property and you would have had your money already"

i looked through my records. i received this:
(i just realised thaqt [male mediator] didn't send me information he received on the 20th of July until August 4th - i will be asking them how that worked when i call them this afternoon)

----

Date: Tue, 04 Aug 2009 07:30:05 -0600
From: [male mediator]
Subject: Fw: update
To: [cadbury]

----- Original Message -----
From: [stbx]
To: [male mediator]
Sent: Monday, July 20, 2009 4:18 PM
Subject: update

> >I went to the bank on Friday, currently I am waiting to see if I am
> >approved for the amount. The loans officer will have a couple options
> >for
> >Cadbury If I buy him out. He is also on the title to the property so he
> >will have to be willing to go to Land Titles and remove his name off
> >the property . I will keep in touch.

----

Date: Thu, 06 Aug 2009 06:33:17 -0600
From: [male mediator]
Subject: Re: Mediation Summary 3
To: [cadbury]

Morning Cadbury
I spoke to [stbx] on August 4th. Her loans officer at the bank went on Holidays. [stbx] was going to phone on the 5th and see when she was back or if she was back. The Bank had required more financial information. My suggestion for [stbx] is once the finanacing is approved, [stbx] seek advice from her laywer, and the have your lawyers draw up a matriomonial property.agreement. I sense she is still not totally
certain what to do. She seems to want to focus on the parenting issues first.
>From our conversation, I think another meeting should be scheduled to discuss parenting for [daughter] and [son].

----

Date: Sat, 08 Aug 2009 09:22:50 -0600
From: [male mediator]
Subject: Re: more information
To: [stbx]

Morning [stbx].
I received an email from Cadbury.
His perspective.
If there is no agreement in principle prior to you going on vacation. His settlement proposal increases to $117,500 on September 1/09, $120,000.00 October 1/09 and so on.
Cadbury is not prepared to have any discussions of other topics unless there is an offer on the table from you re the matrimonial property settlement..
If there is no response from you prior to you leaving on vacation, Cadbury is prepared to attend one more mediation session.
I will be available this weekend by email or cell [telephone] or in the office on Monday at [telephone]
----- Original Message -----
From: [stbx]
To: [male mediator]
Sent: Thursday, August 06, 2009 11:27 PM
Subject: more information

> >
> >I made a call to my bank today, I will be calling them back tomorrow.
> >I
> >am going on vacation on the August 10th till the end of August. I am
> >hoping to get you as much information as possible by tomorrow.
> >

----

Date: Mon, 10 Aug 2009 09:32:34 -0600
From: stbx
Subject: Re: more information
To: [male mediator]

I did alot of thinking this weekend and have decided to sell the house. Cadbury can use his agent and put the house for sale. I will be staying in town a few days to clean up a bit. It would help if he removed the items of his out of the garage.

----
Subject: Re: unbelievable... more stbx stupidity (not an abort)

Ah, because she thinks you are a mind reader, she believes that her quote of

"He is also on the title to the property so he will have to be willing to go to Land Titles and remove his name off the property . I will keep in touch."

means in her mind that she gave you permission to do that (take your name off) and therefore she intended to buy you ou. She forgot that she said she would "be in touch " and didn't close the loop to this possible action.

She morphed this email sentence into a make believe conversation that she had with you (probably because she had been thinking about it so much).

It also gives her an easy out so she doesn't have to give you more money in case the house doesn't sell or whatever.(in the event that she has to buy you out).

This is not surprising to me.

[HISTORY]

Subject: mediation question [again] has [stbx] contacted you?
Date: Fri, 31 Jul 2009 15:31:14 -0600
From: [cadbury]
To: [male mediator]

this is my third email

i tried to call the office (###.####) and there is no answer

i left a voice message with humans who answered the phone last
week asking for some kind of response

and what have i heard from anyone?

nothing

nada

i have not contacted [stbx] directly because the point of having
intermediaries is to avoid the likely conflict and escalation of a call
from me to her

is anyone willing to shed some light on the situation?

has [stbx] contacted you?

have you contacted her as per the minutes of the last session?

she is leaving the city next week for the rest of the month. am i just
twisting in the wind yet again?

what is going on?

i am extremely frustrated with this situation and how i am being not
being informed

someone could have at least told me that there was no information

but instead i'm just sitting here

waiting

like i have for the last 3 years

while i get jerked around yet one more time

just like the last two summers

i've seen this movie before

good work

----

Subject: Re: Mediation Summary 3
Date: Thu, 06 Aug 2009 18:13:40 -0600
From: [cadbury]
To: [male mediator]

[male mediator] wrote:
> Morning [cadbury]
> I spoke to [stbx]on August 4th. Her loans officer at the bank went on Holidays. Bernadette was going to phone on the 5th and see when she was back or if she was back. The Bank had required more financial information.
> My suggestion for [stbx] is once the finanacing is approved, Bernadette seek advice from her laywer, and the have your lawyers draw up a matriomonial property.agreement. I sense she is still not totally certain what to do. She seems to want to focus on the parenting issues first.
>> From our conversation, I think another meeting should be scheduled to
> discuss parenting for [daughter] and [son].

let me be as clear as i can be:

there will be NO discussion of any topics until i have an offer on the table from [stbx]

i am sick of her jerking my leash - this is exactly what she has done every other time. agree in principle to my generous offer of less than half, and then pull the plug when it comes to doing the deed

if [stbx] leaves on vacation without a proper response - that is, having visited her bank and having gotten approval in principle of the buy-out and me being able to confim that with her bank - or her having a letter from the bank confirming the arrangement in principle - if she leaves without that - the price of a settlement goes up from $115000 to $117500. on September 1 the price goes up to $120000. October 1, $122500 - and so on.

if i am left sitting with no response while [stbx] goes on vacation, i will allow for one more session on her return. if there is no resolution at that point i will withdraw from mediation and go for half

fully half. half my debt goes to her, half her pension goes to me. and so on

i will burn as many dollars as it takes

this is no longer about the money

this is another example of the abuse that [stbx] has heaped on me for years - and now she is doing it again

----

as for talking about the welfare of the kids?

the best thing for the welfare and well being of the kids is for me to have a house

as for discussions on parenting, the only question i have is how [daughter] (13 years old) managed to have sex in [daughter's] bedroom at 10:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning at [stbx] place with a 17 year old boy who had stayed overnight, and how is it that [stbx] was not on top of that situation

pretty pathetic

----

but - still - there will be no discussion of any topic until i have an offer as stated above

if that offer arrives before she leaves i will have my lawyers draw up an agreement

[/END HISTORY]

i love this

2009-08-02T13:21:00.001-06:00

i love dogs

this is totally the sort of thing i do with dogs and small children [heh]

yeah - it's been one of those weeks/months/years...

2009-07-28T18:27:00.004-06:00

i'm fixed and so is smitten. i'll leave it up to you to guess whom this was for...

speaking of her, here's her arm as of today:

and here's the other one - if you look closely you can see the vague outlines of where she carved HAPPY in her arm in between the two currently prominent lines

----

we're talking. she talks about having had sex with this guy. i ask her whether she used protection. she says no. then she says she doesn't remember.

i take her to planned parenthood right away and get her Plan B.

i was doing OK. sort of. sort of OK.

not anymore

i don't know what to do

----

i kicked my son out.

i had given him notice of eviction and warning after warning and he refused to do any shit around here.

so i told him that if he wasn't prepared to do what he must - maybe it would be better for our relationship if he left.

he is trying to figure out where he will go.

because making sure that:

1) his laundry is off the floor (as in the living room floor - not even his room)
2) he does his own dishes and his friends' dishes instead of coming in, eating all my food, feeding his fuckwad friends, and then all of them leaving their dishes everywhere on every surface and on the floor - and then when i bitch about it saying "it was your choice to clean them up - i would have" but when i point out that dishes are often left for days he says "and it takes how long for you to clear enough space to work?"
3) i always have enough space to cook and eat
4) his dope paraphernalia is never left out and visible
5) they don't smoke dope in my apartment
6) friends are not allowed over after 11pm on days i work the next day
7) i always know where he is - he is to let me know

yeah - all of those brutal rules. strangling him.

----

it doesn't get any better than this

mediation and getting my stuff back

2009-06-01T14:52:00.004-06:00

had a mediation session on friday

it was the first joint mediation session. she went in at 9 a.m. and i went in at 9:45 a.m.

each of us had a private session with the two mediators first - there are now two mediators assigned to our case because they expect it to be difficult to handle (and least that's what i found out during the various sessions that morning).

i had already prepared my agenda

i was asking for a series of items. my plan was that i would start with things she couldn't say no to and then work my way into stuff that was more controversial.

we went into to joint session. they explained the rules of how everything works, and then had us sign the mediation agreement. it's court ordered and the government pays the whole shot. it's cheaper than court, and has a more successful resolution record than people going straight into the courts.

they talked to us about not discussing the mediation or negotiations with the kids. the stbx was full of platitudes about letting children be children, blah, blah, blah

they put up our respective wish lists for mediation outcomes on the wall.

my wish list started with me getting back various of my personal effects that i have been unable to collect for the last three years - items that i brought into the marriage. it then dealt with the other aspects of the settlement.

the STBX's list dealt entirely with joint parenting issues

it was funny because the mediators asked for us to decide who was going to go first. the stbx said i should go first since she had gone first every other time.

i had no idea of what she was talking about, but i went first (she later complained that all the discussion was about my issues and not her's...)

i asked for my personal photos back (pre-marriage), and a number of other items i had brought in with me. i also asked for various items my family had given us.

the stbx just about had a shit fit. she didn't want to give anything. she snorted and was dismissive of my requests - saying that anything i was talking about was all junk and old and that it wasn't worth anything anyway so why would i want it. she belittled the property issues i raised as being not worthy of consideration when there were weightier matters of child rearing to be considered.

except she started crying and yelling when i raised any of the property that i wanted to get or discuss.

the mediators told her that whether she thought it was important or not, eventually it would have to be discussed and that she had granted me the opportunity to speak first

she went completely ballistic when i asked to be able to go through to house to see what stuff was there because i didn't remember what all we had, and i thought a walk through would jog my memory. the stbx offered to take and send me pictures and i could try and remember what i want from them.

i said that was unacceptable and that it would hardly facilitate being able to look through a few of the drawers and shelving units.

i wanted to be able to tag items for discussion of disposition

she started accusing me of having robbed her numerous times already and that me entering the house would "violate" her. she complained that she didn't get to walk through my place and see what i had taken from her already.

when i asked what i had robbed her of she backed down and said she was speaking about being robbed emotionally and robbed of the life she had planned to live. she said i had already taken everything i wanted but kept coming back for more. i asked her which items that i had taken to set up my apartment that she had an issue with - the answer: none. she couldn't answer why she would say that i had everything i wanted when i had documentation and her own admission that she had stalled for almost 3 years on even giving me back my personal effects...

she started raising her voice more and crying and crap

the mediators had to ask me to leave the room so they could talk to the stbx one on one.

they got her calmed down

they were going to shut down the session for the day, but i told them that is they wanted any buy in from the stbx she had to be allowed to say her piece or she would them torpedo the whole process as biased against her

so she did her rant. she is still on the joint parenting thing and wanting to be able to call me at any time on parenting issues

i put the kibosh on that citing her past misuse of such calls to bring up relationship issues and history instead of dealing with parenting issues

she wants to send daughter out of province for most of the summer to her sister's place.

the mediators kept telling her that she couldn't change her requests and demands in the middle of the session - that she had to ask for something and stick with that request

----

blah, blah, blah

it was the usual stbx insanity

----

she finally capitulated to all of my requests - almost screaming she doesn't care and that she can pick up replacements for everything at the salvation army

she kept mentioning this dresser set that my parents gave us that she refinished - she has been supposed to give it to me for just about 3 years now - saying that it isn't worth anything and she doesn't even know why i would want it or anything else in the house and that it's not even worth discussing so why are we discussing it

as i said (the old saying) to the mediators after the session was done "If they say it's not about the money - it's about the money"

the stbx has been bagging about money since the day we met - and certainly since we got married. it's almost all she ever talks to the kids about - that she's terrified she'll have to pay support

she got daughter to ask me not to tell the mediators that daughter is staying with me more time than the stbx - because then stbx would have to pay child support. i did not bend to that request and even brought up that she had already been trying to negotiate through the kids - a nice contrast to her mealy mouthed platitudes from earlier - about not involving the kids

she ranted and we talked about talking

talked about parenting

and that was that

----

the outcome that i got was that she agreed to give me my stuff back - the stuff i had listed. they pinned her down on a day and time - sunday 12 noon - she tried so hard to resist setting a time and date but capitulated because she knew she couldn't get out of giving my stuff back

she tried to say i could have picked it up any time in the last three years, and that she didn't know why i hadn't just come over and gotten it - but then tried to get out of actually setting a date and time for me to get it

really - that kind of digging in her heels over a carved african chest and my personal pre-marriage photos, a food processor, and some chairs. I asked for a warming oven my mom gave us and an antique table she had loaned us.

you'd think it was the end of the fucking world

most of the stuff i asked for was in the storage room anyway - so it's not like i was taking something she needed

i even offered that she could keep the dresser and chest of drawers until she had obtained replacements.

it occurred to me later in the day that her emo shit fit and tearful breakdown had conveniently and successfully derailed the setting of a day for me to come in and tag the place

----

anyway, when the session was done they asked me to stay and her to leave - saying that they have a rule (which they do) about not letting clients leave at the same time

they talked to me a bit more about the stuff that had occurred. here i'm munging some of the conversation while the stbx was having her emo fit and the end talk, but they discussed various things with me.

i think that because i am SOOOOOOO level headed and calm in such settings, and because i know all the jargon they use for mediation, they stepped outside their required neutrality and let some of their opinions show through

some money quotes/paraphrases:

"I think you are over this... but she's certainly not."

"We are having difficulty figuring out what she wants because she changes what she says between intake, her solo session earlier and during the joint session."

i had to explain that stbx often has 4 or 5 different opinions on any subject (often opposed to the other opinion she holds) and that she will pluck the position and idea out of midair at any moment that it is convenient to back up whatever she thinks she wants at that moment - and that she will change in a minute and think nothing of it

we talked a fair bit more about some of the behaviours she had displayed and that i predicted she would display during intake and the solo time

i had predicted most of them accurately

they said they thought i was exaggerating at the time, but not anymore

----

i went over to the stbx's on sunday to pick up the stuff and discovered that she had left the garage filled with shit

i assumed she wanted me to take it all, because it was stuff i had bought or had been given by my family - or that she just didn't want anymore

i only took the items we had discussed (i additionally took a couple of very small things that my mom had given me - childhood memory stuff - that had not been formally discussed). i left everything else.

i figured:

1) it was a trap

2) it was a passive aggressive tantrum

3) i had not allocated time to move all the crap she had dumped in the garage

i took the agreed stuff

as for the rest, i left it there

i also figured it would infuriate her

which it did

i was amused to receive her phone calls later that day. i hit ignore on my cell phone.

i picked up a message later on in which she said she had put the stuff out there and that if i didn't pick it up that day (the same day) that she would call junk removal people and have them haul it away

i called her and told her that if she did that i would file theft charges with the police, as well as a complaint of destruction of property

she beaked away at me and i stuck to my lines

- we hadn't discussed it
- she didn't leave a note
- she didn't call me until after the fact to tell me she thought i should take it, even though she had phoned the day before (saturday) to tell me she was putting the dresser, chest of drawers, and night table out.

i then told her that i would assume that i should consider all the aitems she put in the garage as tagged by her as for discussion of disposition and that we would discuss them at the same time as i came over to inspect and tag inside the house

she said "you mean you still want to do that? i put everything you would want out there already. there's nothing left that you would want."

i said that i thought it was pretty presumptuous for her to assume she knew what i would want

she snarled "well, if you're still going to do that, it had better be in the next couple of days so i can get on with the rest of my life."

i said "sure" and dropped the call.

----

FYI - the idea of tagging the items in the house is meant as both the quickest way to take care of the discussion and as a method of infuriating her

----

my flip commentary and aggressive (well, for me, agressive) attitude exhibited above did not in any way lessen the emotional impact of all of it

my poor writing and description in this post does it all a disservice as well

but that's where things stand

ugly, but moving ahead

how's it going?

2009-05-25T18:27:00.002-06:00

i suck at posting

there is so much happening that it causes me writer's block - or writer's cramps - or something like that

when i was in counseling (ended at the end of april) we had to lengthen the sessions because i would spend the first 30 minutes of a 60 minute appointment with a recitation of events filling in the details to my counselor - and then not fully get to some of the underlying issues that needed to be worked on

same here

i want to chronicle the details and there are so many and so much that i can't. and because i am so ploddingly ordered that way... it causes me problems in trying to post - because i can't remember how everything went down and in exactly what order

so i'm going to ditch my practice out of necessity

perhaps its one of those skills i am meant to learn - or one of those things i have to learn to just let go in an increasingly disordered world

so,

where are things at?

i'm OK

my fibromyalgia is acting up - but that is likely stress related. and i've had a bit.

Smitten and I are still an item. She is a saint for putting up with the crap in my life and its impact on our relationship. I am, however, eminently worth it. And I'm actually beginning to realise/believe that.

----

My daughter hasn't dropped acid recently, does smoke pot all the time, but doesn't do meth or E (yet). She did get a prescription for birth control... the patch. I had a very serious conversation with her about her inability to keep on a pill regimen when she was on Prozac - so she has the patch. I have discussed my concern that she is too young to be having sex, but i am not going to be stupid either. What I have tried to impress on her is: "Try to at least make it someone you care about. Instead of some romp at a party on top of a pile of coats. Try to make it memorable..."

I have also tried to explain to her that she should still use a condom because of the possibility of STDs. I have additionally tried to get her to realise that any guy who refuses to wear a condom with her doesn't respect her, and she shouldn't be banging him anyway. She hasn't acknowledged much of what I have said, but i have had my words come back to me out of her mouth as she talks about her worldview, and from her brother as he relates things she's said to him. So maybe i got through.

I just had a conversation with her - she is having her period right now so she will need to begin her patch cycle right after. She wanted me to pick up her prescription. I refused. I told her she could walk to the pharmacy after school tomorrow. I also told her she is going to buy herself a box of condoms while she's there. That she is going to take ownership of her own actions.

----

Son dropped out of school. I at least got him to withdraw instead of being kicked out. They had already booted him for missing school, but reversed it all and made it withdrawals instead. I had a fight with him for almost a week to actually be enough of a man to not just let things happen to him - to choose - to control his withdrawal. He was afraid to face the music. Now, he almost proudly explains to his friends how by making the choice to withdraw and to have the administrators do the paperwork has made sure he has no hassles to get back into school.

I think he learned the lesson he needed to learn. That a controlled or managed crash will most often have better outcomes than just letting it all go and letting the system have its way with you.

He has a girlfriend. They are having sex. My condom supply is running out because the stupid fucker (literally) hasn't gotten a job yet to pay for his own shit. But, I suppose, all things in their time.

I had to push pretty hard for him to get his resume together - but he did. It sucked. I had done one for him, and gave it to him after he made his own. Not to prove how great i am (like my Dad likely would have done), but to help him out. I told him that i wanted him to go through the process of doing the resume for himself. That i believe that part of his problem is that i have run to wipe his nose or his ass as soon as it needed it for his whole life - and that because so often i was pre-emptive in my caregiving that i believed he found my watching out for him to be intrusive rather than helpful. So he can do his own shit. He can pick himself up and motivate himself.

I have given Son a notice of eviction. Daughter got a notice of grounding. I posted each two page document at the front door and am leaving them on the wall to see every day. The notices detail the things they need to do to avoid getting their asses kicked.

It has been a struggle, but they are starting to change their behaviours.

It has been a very tension filled household for the last month.

I had to find work. Money was an issue. Son was dropping out. Daughter was hacking at herself again.

But I/we've struggled to the surface again.

----

My job is OK. Today is two weeks on the job. On my second day one of the servers failed.

Welcome to your new job...

The server and network structure is for shit. i have NO respect for my predecessors. The whole thing is a disaster waiting to happen. I am fixing it. But I will detail some of that in a separate post.

----

Smitten has been accepted into grad school for her master's. she is taking human resources development.

----

she is an amazing human being

and i am so glad that we found each other

it is becoming harder and harder to be apart. we have even discussed our wish to live together - not at some ephemeral future date - but now. but we won't until a whole lot of other shit is worked through and lived through.

----

the stbx is still nuts

we have a mediation session on friday

----

i am going to exercise now

more later

can has job?

2009-05-08T13:13:00.004-06:00

i start on monday

Smitten was looking for a job and saw one she thought would work for me (the government runs the largest jobs website in the province - it was on there)

i mostly sloughed getting my shit together, but managed to get my resume into some semblance of order and fired it off. i really didn't believe in myself enough to think i could get the job.

but i did

in fact the people interviewing me were more worried about me deciding to bolt for a higher paid job after 6 months than anything else

it's worth $45K a year - they started me at the 1 year increment. it's about $5K less than my last job and is less than i want to be making at this time - $60K-$70K, but i haven't finished my certificate

and beggars can't be choosers

there were a few other jobs that i was applying for that would have paid more, but this job has better happiness/satisfaction characteristics

the other jobs would have seen me as a cpg in a large machine/team chained to my desk slogging through code and website development stuff

instead i will be the (singular) computer dude at a medical clinic. they have 7 doctors and around 40 staff. it is the clinic that was the flashpoint for the creation of modern medicare in canada. my parents were among the founders of the clinic, and were founding board members. my history and lineage played a limited role in me getting the job, mostly because it spoke to my existing commitment to the philosophy of the clinic.

it's a very progressive clinic (it's actually a membership co-op) - they additionally have 2 nurse practitioner, physiotherapists, exercise therapists/coaches, dietitians, counseling services, a pharmacy, in-house lab, blah, blah, blah. the clinic is directly funded by the department of health - it is almost like a hospital in its standing. it is the place where lots of new ideas about how to practice medicine in an integrated care (primary health care teams) environment gets tested. the doctors (GPs) are on salary not paid on fee for service (most of the specialists in the province are also on salary with the health region - one of the big complaints from doctors here is that they want to be doctors not business people or accountants - so we are SLOWLY moving toward a salaried structure for most doctors)

(while most health care is publicly funded, hospitals [inside of health regions] and some clinics are directly financed by the government. outside of that doctors open up fee for service clinics/practices owned by them and operate them as businesses - the billing goes to the government for payment. the fee schedule is negotiated between the department of health and the provincial medical association. extra-billing is banned in canada [even though there are pushes at the edge of that rule all over the place as the right-wing tries to get rid of medicare])

this clinic also has programs surrounding FASD and some other stuff as well.

i will also be the privacy officer - that was the clincher on why they wanted me for the job. having an extensive background in privacy and data security, as well as full understanding of and capability to execute the development process for policy and subsequent procedure - as well as being a good writer - made them wet their pants

in this hyper-political province, i had only viewed my political involvement and experience as a negative. in this case it worked for me.

i will also be the security/alarm system guy and the building/site manager - well, actually, the liaison with the building managers/owners (rented facility)

i'm excited by the privacy stuff

across canada there are various chunks of privacy legislation phasing into effect now and over the next few years - organisations have been given substantial compliance periods in order to develop policy and practice to adhere to the laws and regulation - much of the work surrounds computer data

(i am thinking that if i do well in the job that it will be a swell meal ticket to higher priced jobs. having a person able to bridge law/policy and computers is not a usual find in the computer industry)

we have an agreement that i will be able to finish my schooling and can have time off during the day (flex hours) to attend classes if i cannot get one that is outside hours or distance education.

they were worried that they could not provide me with enough excitement in my work compared to my previous jobs (politics and my business). i had to assure them i was not lookingfor excitement, and that having less stress and therefore the opportunity to finish my education was my desire. i assured them that it would be at least 2 years until i finished my certificate through part-time study, and i would probably spend a year after that getting a few other certifications. so they were good for that time period at least.

on a private level - i like the fact that i will be the only computer guy. my own niche. my own office. my own deal - that no-one else will understand what i do - and will be a little afraid of the magic computer guy... no-one riding me or biting my ass - i get to get up and wander around - see how peoples' stuff is doing, and also retreat to my own private/personal server room and office sub-complex.

it works for me

i get off the dole from my parents

i pay my own way

i still finish my education

"Blow, wind. Come wrack. At
least we'll die with harness
on our back."
- MACBETH, Act 5, Scene 5

(harness = plate armour [ergo - die fighting])

a few hours later

2009-05-05T19:18:00.002-06:00

after a substantial amount of uncontrollable weeping (i'm alone, thankfully) i have regained my equilibrium.

i'm really quite inconsolable about my son deciding to drop out of school

him finishing school was my reason to be - my mission in life until the end of June

now he won't be

he won't be graduating

he won't walk across the stage

he will have dropped out

----

i was so angry with son that i was ready to kick him out

tell him to not come back

----

i was ready to pack his bags and throw them off the balcony (4 floors) and let son and the buddy that lives in his car come get them

----

i was going to phone and cut off his cell phone

----

i am so angry that i had to abase myself to my parents to get the money from them to live while operating under the personal delusion that son would finish his school if i just helped as much as i could and was there for him every day morning and night

----

i am so angry that i withdrew from my own classes to work with my kids through their shit and daughter is back at her mother's half time (well - not as of this weekend - it's now 9 me, 5 stbx, 7 me, 7 stbx [daughter can't cope with the stbx's shit again - more in a later post]), and now son is dropping out

i put my life and next career step on hold for what?

----

when there was issues with possible suicide and such with daughter in january, i also spoke to son. i told him that even if he had to stay in bed for six months and never leave the apartment - that would be better than killing himself.

----

i have told my children that i am on their side - always

----

i was ok when son was going to not finish school this semester and finish his other classes next school year

----

i called son on his cell phone

i told him that i expected him home by midnight

that i didn't want friends to be here at midnight

that if this is his first major decision as an adult he's going to get up at a reasonable time in the morning and he's going to go to the school and withdraw himself

that he's not going to just let it happen to him

he's not going to just sit until he gets kicked out

that he's going to face his decision head on and make it under his own terms and not wait for the system to just come along and boot him

he's going to handle it as an adult

that i was going out this evening and that he and his friends could come to the apartment after i'm gone (but be gone by midnight)

that he's not going to call it dropping out

he's going to call it withdrawal

that after he wraps up his withdrawal he will come up with a plan for what he's going to do next

drop out

2009-05-05T17:26:00.003-06:00

my son just informed me that with roughly 6 weeks to go in the last semester of grade 12 he is dropping out of school

he refuses to do the work necessary that will bring his marks up to a passing grade

he says it is pointless and he will finish his classes and his grade 12 later and in some other manner

i asked him he had somewhere to go. because i wanted him to leave the apartment for the time being after he told me - because i might do or say something i would regret.

he stood there looking at me oddly - and i told him if he stayed i would hurt him - injure him - so he'd best leave before i did anything i regretted

he left

i wept

ideas on no ideas

2009-04-24T23:45:00.002-06:00

today i was thinking about what i wrote in my last post with my comment on potential comments

"no particular need for anyone to post "cheer up little camper" comments - i just feel super sucky right now"

and i was worried i might have been rude

re-reading my words i don't think what i wrote was rude

but even so, it got me thinking, i want to make sure that i let all of you know that i appreciate your support much more than you know - really

i think about you as friends - i tell stories about my you as my friends (only sometimes mention that it a blogging relationship). i think about what you would say, or think, or suggest when i make decisions.

so, thank-you

----

Sicilian asked:

"Curious as to where son gets $$$$ for pot."

Up until last month he got $20 a month allowance from me. He works for my parents a few times a month making anywhere from 30-40 up to a 100 or more dollars in that month. He does spot work in the call centre. He gets cash gifts on birthday and christmas.

He is also a master of arranging group buy deals amongst his friends that end up with some surplus. Yes - almost drug dealing - or close enough for horseshoes and handcuffs - except for the lax enforcement of low dealing/buying level activity at both a policing and legal level. It meets the legal definition, but is never enforced at that level. Remember - Canada started the full scale decriminalisation of pot until Bushies had a shit fit on Canada. That was when we had a liberal government - the current conservative government wouldn't decriminalise, but they haven't turned the clock back much.

And after all that defensiveness and rationalising and minimising of my son's activities

he gets some there too.

And his buddy, who is a small dealer, just gives him some sometimes because they are friends and he shares.

That's how he does is.

i have no idea

2009-04-22T15:42:00.002-06:00

i have no idea of what to do

i am done my classes, my daughter is with her mother half time, and my son is still toking every day

i have no job

i have no money

i have no credit cards

----

i am looking for a job - any job - started on monday

i was looking at some call centre work the other day - but they don't have any right now

my employment insurance claim might not start paying until july because they appear to be counting my retirement allowance in their ineligible period/amount

i have a few hundred dollars left in my account - but not even enough to make May's rent

i'll have to talk to dad...

----

i gave up my credit cards to my parents in return for them paying off my balances and reducing my monthly costs by the amount of my payments

----

while my children are still alive - which counts as a victory of sorts - i am feeling like a failure on that front

daughter went back to her mom's half time

son is still smoking pot every day. he is spending a whole whack of time at his mom's because i banned smoking pot in the apartment once the weather changed. they smoke in the basement over there. also, his buddy (the one living in his car) is parked in front of the stbx's place and doesn't feel comfortable around me since i gave him the boot from my place

(in march i let the friend stay at my place for a week when it was minus 40. i let him stay for a week - he was all full of plans and ideas for how he would get off my couch and get his own place - i gave him another week after that first week. my mistake - i later discovered he wasn't even taking full time shifts. the second week he was at my place he didn't even take a single shift. i was soooooooo mad. he was eating my food, acting all territorial about the couch with my kids [this is the guy who lived at the stbx's right after we split, so he feels pretty at home/family with my kids - i was furious at his territoriality and let him know], and doing sweet fuck all. i was trying to do right by him and be mindful of the weather for a guy that was homeless and a friend of my son's - both kids said they were ok with it to start with. then he turned schmucky. after i booted him out he was still parking in the parking lot by my place - so i had him ticketed and towed. then i interevened to make sure he wouldn't get an apartment in the building next to mine [but all of this is another post i think]. he's a mooch, and i don't want him around)

so son is spending a bunch of time at the stbx's. and she is turning a blind eye to everything she railed on about because she'll do anything to get either or both of them to come back - and stay back

----

i'm looking for work

sending out inoices to my few remaining clients

begging from dad

and trying to sort out all the rest

----

no particular need for anyone to post "cheer up little camper" comments - i just feel super sucky right now

there is a pathway out and i am trying to stay on it

note from a friend

2009-04-10T18:21:00.003-06:00

i made a comment in an email to a close (female) friend of mine (we are trying to arrange a lunch):

> I'll keep sending positive vibes your way, and you let me know when
> you can squeeze me in. [her name]

i would like to do more than just squeeze a visit in

but i am so paranoid that i want to be around the kids as much as possible to make it more difficult for them to fall off the edge...

and [daughter] has returned to her mother's half time...

an excerpt from her response:

"Good luck trying to keep your eye on [daughter] at all times - at least she is talking to you about these things, not just sneaking off and going it alone. I shudder to think about what I did as a teen, that my parents should never find out about, even now. I would never have contemplated talking to them about my choices or experimentations. Don't make yourself crazy over this - just stay open to talking to her and being there for her to rely on as the stable influence."

at least a positive

2009-04-08T19:50:00.000-06:00

i was just looking in the freezer and fridge for what i need to get for the coming week.

and i noticed that all the whole wheat buns were gone.

and about half the whole wheat bread.

but the white bread and buns that my mom had baked and gave me was still there. my mom is one of the most amazing bakers ever - her bread is totally awesome

but my kids won't eat anything but whole wheat

that's positive

Sisyphus

2009-04-06T00:03:00.001-06:00

As a punishment from the gods, Sisyphus was compelled to roll a huge rock up a steep hill, but before he could reach the top of the hill, the rock would always roll back down again, forcing him to begin again - and to repeat this throughout eternity.

i hate this

2009-04-05T16:50:00.007-06:00

my son just came in drunk to pick a game up

him, his friend, and daughter had been drinking gin shots at their mother's while she was out

he just left again to go back because they are having supper with her this evening

i thought about calling the police or social services or someone

i asked him what he thought he was doing drinking with his sister

he said that if it wasn't him and gin, that his sister would currently be out with one of her friends - one of the bad ones (the sex and X one)

and maybe doing ecstasy - because daughter has been talking about crossing over into that scene

i do not know what to do

i told Smitten last night on the phone that i believed that daughter had made a conscious decision to become fucked up. because it took too much energy to resist and drugs and bullshit are easier.

and her mom is bribing her heavily

it is sort of like that moment in the horror movies about satanic possession when the young woman has finally beaten the possession - and then returns - pre-naturally calm - because she has given up fighting and has gone wholly over to the dark side

----

daughter came home on friday night and told me that her mother was taking her to a rave that night - and attending it herself. and as i stared in disbelief, daughter gleefully announced "Yeah - I know - I'm such a usurious bitch. And she's paying for everything."

----

Yesterday, it looked like my personal marijuana stash had been rifled and some was gone. It certainly weighed less than the last time I had weighed it. And i hadn't used any. (I described my short term use of marijuana for fibromyalgia pain in the post where's cadbury). I was keeping a gram in case I had a severe emergency/extreme pain situation (7 grams = 1/4 ounce - so 1/7th of a 1/4 ounce).

I kept it around, and hidden - not very well hidden, but away. The kids were not aware

My box of ziploc bags were on the counter when i got home from exercising. I was suspicious immediately. I had thought my daughter had searched my drawers before.

I checked my pot - scaled it (my son's specialised digital pocket scale [from the local "head shop"]) and some was missing.

I raised it with each of them separately. I didn't mince words. I advised them I had it and what it was for.

Son told me that daughter had mysteriously shown up with a small amount. That she had ripped him off already.

I told my son and my daughter that if they ever ripped me off - money, marijuana, stuff - anything - they would have to find other living arrangements. That since i couldn't prove it that i wouldn't be kicking them out at this point - but that they were on notice.

Nobody is going to start ripping me off.

When the stealing starts - it signals a whole different level of trouble.

(they both ran out of money and pot last week - son earned some since working for my parents [he took the lectures], but daughter has been avoiding them and the work they offer since the acid thing blew up - i discussed it with my parents. they were asking why i wasn't getting a job to supplement the money they were helping me with. i explained the newest developments and asked them if they thought i should - regardless of the lack of visible progress to stopping the decline of my children)

----

Now the kids are getting drunk. When I suggested this was an example of substance substitution like his mother (see post: Sweetened Coconut).

He said it was just a change of pace - and stumbled out the door.

i asked "Have you considered mini-golf?"

he said "Mini-golf only lasts for an hour," and the stairwell door closed behind him.

i followed to the top of the stairs and told him to hang on to the railing tightly so he didn't fall down the stairs. my next door neighbour (when i was a kid) was an alcoholic and she died falling down some stairs...

i told him to double check that there are no cars when he crosses the major street when walking from here to there because his judgment was impaired

----

I am at a loss

I guess I need to get on that al-anon even faster

But I don't know what to do

nothing seems to work - i will not leap into ridiculous or impulsive action

the various professionals i am working with have told me that the factor i cannot control is the constant influence of the children's mother - and that while they realise that she is a bad influence - until she overtly does something - the law won't allow them to make a case - there is not law against lousy parenting - or even constant psychological low level abuse - only laws and rules against overt and clearly definable harm. and even then it is several strikes before someone is out...

i beg and i plead for them to give me some kind of solution

but all i've got is what i've got

----

i felt like i had made a bit of a breakthrough last night

i got son to admit that the pot was affecting him negatively mentally and emotionally

he has to this point denied that effect

yesterday after giving him a lot of grief (not yelling, but discussion and questioning [for about one and half hours]) he finally admitted that it had an effect.

i told him that it was pretty obvious that there was a problem with a person's life when they had to smoke pot every day to get through each day. he said that it might be true, but that i had a lot more options to change my life than he did - that no matter what solution or change he came up with he would still have to go to school every day - and couldn't change that.

but he admnitted it was taking a toll

he then said "But I don't care"

but i can work with that

after he said it he went and hung his still slightly damp clothes on the drying rack

----

Smitten says that in a breakthrough moment like that - where someone says it out loud at last, that their demeanor and actions tell you how they are feeling about it

and that him taking some action to "control" his universe was good sign

that if he had just sat down in a helpless lump it would be much worse

that his actions spoke of an internal view that shows that he actually does know its's a problem and that he hasn't given up

----

now he's off with my daughter drunk

she is apparently less so

----

i hate this

----

he assured me they wouldn't drive (the friend drives) - especially since they are due for supper shortly

----

i'm going to the gym and to buy some vegetables for healthy meals for the coming few days

if i don't go to the gym i'll collapse

sometimes it's an escape for me when i don't know what else to do

go work out for two hours

i emerge usually with less physical manifestations of stress and a somewhat clearer head

the gym is better than pot

the gym is better than stewing

the gym is actually better than this blog and my journal that i have been writing for most of the day

but i have to get my ideas out of me

i have to have an escape valve somewhere - somehow

because on top of all of this stuff i am also dealing with a lot of things inside of me as well. i have reached a pretty critical point in my counseling - in dealing with the abuse i suffered in my marriage

and the abuse and violence i suffered as a child at school (and at the hands of my older brother and the lack of intervention by my parents). the daily beatings - the cracks on the nose to make my nose bleed every recess.

and me asking why - why didn't my parents or anyone protect me?

we went to a play at the university a few weeks ago - we didn't know - it turned out to be about an extremely imaginative child and the abuse he suffers in the schoolyard.

while the portrayal was artsy/poetic - the scenes were highly truthful

all the way to the way the kids circled the lead character like a pack of jackals. the way they took turns beating him - kicking him - never quite leting him get his bearings and keeping him disoriented. Smitten asked me if I wanted to leave after the first couple of minutes - i refused. i was not about to leave - to not bear witness - even to a fictional character's hurt

i was glad it was dark. tears streamed down all through the performance. it was so bad that at several instances - and after the performance when we went back to Smitten's house - it was so bad i almost lost control of my bodily functions

shit myself

piss myself

throw-up

yeah - that bad. it's embarrassing to admit that to you - and to Smitten

my reaction was sheer terror

i had bottled up so much at the time

in not showing emotion. because any emotion or reaction just made things worse - they would make the taunting and the beatings worse

i didn't ever really understand the terror

the terror of being a child in grade school 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 years old - and having to go back and face that every single day - someone hitting me or taking a whack at my nose -taunting - always with the threat of violence, torture, degradation, and humiliation right behind

i hate schools and i hate teachers (sorry BG [but i like to think you would have stomped a couple of those kids if you were there])

terror

visceral terror

and i almost lost control of my body at the age of 43

i survived that night with the railworkers (see last post an almost letter to a friend). i have survived having knives pulled on me, getting sliced by one of them, getting hit with all variety of instruments. and have not had a single boo of an effect

but that play was awful for me

----

so, i'm going to go to the gym

and buy some vegetables for a healthy meal

an almost letter to a friend

2009-04-05T15:40:00.002-06:00

(started 4/2/09 10:43 PM)

dear friend,

i know you think that i am being too permissive and am not being a very good parent.

that's why you came over last Tuesday night.

you thought that me asking the kids what they thought should be done was the wrong approach - that i should be cracking down - getting hard - imposing some order

you don't have kids

you also don't do much with the bureaucracy you work within. you are special. and they let you get away with shit because you are special. your mindset is tenacious and thorough. and very black and white.

you bag bad guys. and you hand them off. and your job is done.

and you are very good at it.

you are a fixer. you don't realise it. you keep asking yourself (and me) why we are friends when you are right-wing and law and order, and i'm left-wing and mushy.

you may not remember, but we first became close friends when things broke down with my roommate and you let me sleep on your couch for 3 weeks - and use your truck when my car broke down. someone needed rescuing and you rescued them - or rather - rescued me.

(finished 4/5/09 3:40 PM)

i like you - liked you then, too. there was an almost immediate trust and loyalty. you liked my mind. i had things you wanted - a larger, non-worker-guy worldview. a worldview you wanted. language. knowledge. analysis.

and i was loyal. i was one of the few people whom you knew would never leave your back uncovered - no matter what the odds.

that's why when it was you and me and 16 railworkers in a brawl when we were bouncing that would have left us dead or hospitalised if the cops hadn't shown up - you knew you weren't alone like you had been every other time before. and why i'm always in your dreams and flashbacks of that incident.

when i was down and out and living in that attic hole in the revenue house - you gave me a job at the new bar you were security manager of - at the snazzy hotel

we did the same job we did the previous time - took the place from multiple brawls a night to weeks without any incidents - sometimes after we cleaned it up you would lose staff because the guys were itching for action and took jobs at bars they could have the occasional brawl at. we imposed order. together. you were the manager - but when the other guys questioned your approach i always backed you up - and they didn't want to challenge both of us at once.

you took your bodyguard and security training and came out top in your class. you can strip, clean and reassemble your guns very fast. you know your stuff. you work hard.

i tried to return the favour(s) that you did for me. 17 or so years ago i re-learned enough high-school algebra to help you get your general equivalency diploma. i tutored you through all your other subjects too. because you had half of grade 10, and all of grade 11 and 12 to learn. your hard work and determination did it over that year. i do not take credit. but you needed someone who believed in you - and that was only me. only me.

the STBX wasn't too thrilled with all the time that took - and led to her slow expulsion of you from my life - 'cause she's like that...

i role played for hours and hours and hours the interview panel you would have to face when you went for the job - guys with guns - guys with knives - you'd faced them all - but not a panel of five bureaucrats. that's my world.

and you got the enforcement job with the federal government - they didn't ask many of the questions i had role played (me not knowing the investigatory field your were wanting to work in), but we had been through the shittiness and the putting on the spot, so you were comfortable enough - and your knowledge of trapping and hunting from your time on the farm and in the bush gave you the ability to ask all the questions in the mock investigation - and to pass the interview with flying colours..

you were the top returning/performing investigations officer in your unit (specialised fraud investigations). you had made it out of the service industry into investigations - not the cop you wanted to be (because of your eyes and glasses) - but starting your way there. you were a sworn peace officer for our province and our country. you could compete in cop shooting events, and at cop competitions. you were half-way to your dream (and earning way better money).

but your world is still black and white.

identify problem.

remove problem

problem solved

except these are my kids

and my stbx

and they can't be removed - or controlled - or confined - or even taken to court or a hearing and punished or forced to clean up their act.

why would i allow drugs openly in my place?

because it would be bullshit to pretend i don't know they are there

because if i confiscated them or shit-fitted they would just hide them

why would i allow them to smoke them inside?

because it was -30 to -40 below outside - so they wouldn't ever smoke outside while it was that cold and windy. i had banished them to the outdoors while the weather was survivable - and have done so again.

they would always end up taking the three minute walk to the stbx's house and smoking inside the garage or the basement - and then they'd hang out there. and that is even worse for them than pot.

remember - son said he wanted to beat his mother to death with his fists - really - and meant it. said he hoped she'd die in a fire. daughter was fantasizing about stabbing her mother to death with a knife. both son and daughter were already involved in physical altercations with their mother.

their mother was losing it and had physically fought with both. son told me how he was afraid because sometimes when she was mad at him and was getting in that crazy way she would linger too long over the knife drawer in the kitchen. how his gut said he should be worried. how he slept with a knife under his pillow because he was somewhat spooked and needed it for a sense of security.

how no-one in authority can act on the crap i tell them - and want more proof than feelings and impressions and spooked - that they believe i am a good parent who is NOT just trying to stir things up.

that if my kids didn't stay here, and didn't go to their mother's to smoke their pot - that they would go to their friends' houses where they could smoke. houses in the hood. where they would be surrounded by run-aways, half street kids, and punks. where guys who belong to gangs show up. where there are drugs much harder than pot.

at least this way i can control who is allowed to be around and it will be the best of a loser crowd.

(I should point out that i have had my smoking restrictions on the apartment for all of 4 days now and my kids are spending way more time at their mother's. in only 4 days - even though the weather is better. because she will whore herself in whatever way she needs to get them back to her house - even though she talks the talk about not alowing them to partake around her - she lies. that they are already smoking in friends' cars - and driving while stoned [which is just fucking awesome from a safety standpoint - but at least the streets aren't solid ice like in the dead of winter])

my daughter was suicidal and her mother was threatening suicide as well.

i wanted her where i could watch her all the time

in January daughter did harm herself. you saw the picture - it's one of the things that shocks you. you know about teen-aged girls - your sister was/is anorexic-bulimic and spent her teen years in a group home.

at least if my children were where they needed to be i could feed them, watch them, intervene as necessary, and make sure they were exercising and sort of sleeping.

you kept saying that if social services found out i would be in trouble.

you even called a cop friend of yours to find out what they would do - they told you to tell me to call mobile crisis - which is what they do - that's cop procedure.

it was a great shock to you when we talked on the phone and i made you completely aware of who all knew of my kids' open drug use.

that i had already called mobile crisis, that i had already had my kids through social services intake, that they were under psychiatric, psychological counseling, and medical supervision - that they were in the presence of one of those three professionals every 10 days (or less)

who the fuck are you talking to, buddy?

remember - i am not just some permissive assed socialist - as you have described the bleeding hearts who annoy you

I have a fucking clue on this shit, here friend...

i was involved in writing the fucking procedures and making them public and running the public education campaigns on drug use when i was involved in government.

my high school drug use and my brother's use (FYI: not nearly as bad as my kids) prompted my mother (the ex-nurse) to start the first citywide drug education in the catholic school system back in the '80s - the principals didn't want it, but the Archbishop said "It will be done." even though mom is ukrainian orthodox - isn't even catholic. My mom would have been head of the province-wide drug education program/unit if we hadn't lost the election in '82... i know this stuff forward and backward - and stay on top of current literature.

you almost shit in your pants over the phone when i advised you that i had already been in discussion with my childrens' school principals, and with school board psychologists, and their teachers, and the dedicated full-time drug and addictions counselors at my son's schools (treatment programs brought in by our/my "permissive assed socialist" government - i might add - programs being copied all over north america)

and you almost shit when i told you that all of them - including the cop i had spoken to in the domestic violence unit after the STBX assaulted me in front of the kids - were aware that i was allowing drug use at my home. that they all agreed that my plan was the least worst scenario - and could not come up with a better plan than to try to ride it out and try to keep my children alive and safe until things ran their course.

to get them to sleep, feel safe, eat well, exercise, and go to school as often as possible and be in regular contact with medical and psychiatric/psychological professionals

that means that 7 full-time drug treatment and counseling professionals, plus doctors and teachers, and a cop could not come up with a better plan.

soon i will add al-anon, narcotics anonymous, and the health region's alcohol and drug team to my list of people who will know and be involved with this plan

yeah - i know that you have been avoiding me for a few days now. i hope that will pass. i value your friendship. i need your friendship.

but this is not a simple solution.

and for being a weak-assed permissive socialist - i seem to have some staying power, my friend.

after i go through the run-through - and people can't come up with any more solutions than i have already tried - everybody else seems to be suggesting that i just boot them - get all tough love on their asses

yeah - like i said before - that'll allow me to be all self-righteous - but will still add up to abandoning my children to their own ends. i'm not willing to do that. and personally i think it takes more strength to stay in the fight than to pull the tough-love bullshit.

if i'm not creative enough to just keep changing the scenario, to try to disrupt - at least around the edges - the situation - then i'm not much of a mind - or much of a parent

i'm not abandoning my children

that's the weak-assed permissive socialist i am

never give up

always got the other person's back

always looking out

no matter what the odds

that's why when the revolution comes

and the tanks are coming

i'll be on top of the barricade - throwing molotov cocktails - even though it's useless

because i don't give up

not until someone, or something (or I am) is dead

----

other than some kind of "crack-down" by an authority figure - whom you could not offer a suggestion as to whom might be effective - you were at more of a loss than me

but we'll all make through

maybe

----

i am a good parent

----

i am so sick of people (like my parents) saying:

"Isn't there something you can do?"

well, then fucking well tell me what to do!!!

should i beat the shit out them? will that work?

should i scream and jump up and down?

lock them in a treatment centre? (already checked - can't - they are full of the people who really need it - or are way past where my kids are. and the U.S. ones cost more than we can collectively afford - and why would i send my kids to the U.S. - would it help? i doubt it)

if there was an easy solution i would have implemented it. if there was a hard solution i would have implemented it.

----

as for me

i will keep on slogging and prepare myself for my childrens' potential death or slow decline

i and i will keep on fighting for them

every day

steps

2009-04-01T13:22:00.012-06:00

over the winter i took a few steps with regard to my children's drug use. i operated under what i termed a harm reduction strategy. i took my cues from methods of intervention used in schools, facilities and programs in various locations in Canada and the U.S.

i reviewed my actions, and what i believed my posture to be, with counselors and drug and addictions staff at the high school my son attends.

i chose to allow them to smoke pot inside the apartment while the weather was below -20C instead of banishing them to the outside or to friends places (they would also often just walk to their mother's and smoke at the house while she wasn't there).

i chose to have them do their thing at my apartment, rather than go to some of their friends' places - some of which are in "the 'hood" (or at least what we call such here) - or go to their mothers house. i chose to try to protect them, to try to ensure their safety while trying to get them to reduce their use.

i chose to attempt to educate them on the nature of drugs and to give them all the information i could find.

i thought that advising them of risks would reduce the likelihood that they would move on to harder drugs. to date, son has not moved on.

however, their use has become chronic. i still believe their use to be a symptom of other pressures, but at this point the drugs themselves are becoming a standalone problem.

yesterday i called a conference between the three of us. we talked. there were some highly tense moments (i may discuss them in a later post). at one point a friend of mine came over - he called me to see how i was doing and told him about the fact that i had been within millimetres of beating/enacting violence on both my children (literally). and that i was at that point trying to get them to discuss solutions to the situation - i cannot impose solutions - that will only drive their use underground as they ignore me.

you see - i think "tough love" is a method of avoidance for the most part. it allows the authority figure (parent) to claim the moral high ground while simply washing their hands of responsibility. i will not wash my hands of my responsibility.

engagement is much more difficult than sabre rattling. i choose to engage. i choose to persuade and attempt to lead.

i believe in a redeeming God (when i believe in God...) and a redeeming universe. i believe that the measure of a person is not how many times they fall, but how many times they pick themselves up.

my friend is a law enforcement officer (he is also an internationally known/hired bodyguard) - we were bouncers together about 20 years ago. he is currently in immigration enforcement - with his knowledge and experience he's one of the people that gets called to find and remove true slimeballs (child molesters/multiple murderes/rapists/etc) from the country. i was on mushy ground with the kids and when he said he was coming over, i said OK. i was at a bit of a loss. son was talking and debating, but daughter not so much.

history: my friend had previously asked me if there was anything he could do to help. i had asked him to give my kids a briefing on meth and MDMA (ecstasy [X]) production methods - one of my key points in harm reduction is to keep my kids away from X, meth, and crack (not much crack around here, though). my kids both have friends that are X-heads. X can be bought for as little as $1.50 (and most of it is actually meth) a hit. i figured i could keep them from moving to a cheaper and more dangerous substance by engaging with them and trying to steer them away from harder drugs by education and persuasion. i had also asked my friend to teach me a few (2 or 3) moves to deal with punks in the event of needing to rescue my kids from a bad situation (speaking of "the 'hood"). i am fully capable in a brawl - but wanted to learn few moves i had been introduced to by a cop that are used to incapacitate idiots and punks (weird thumb holds and small joint manipulation techniques). my friend teaches knife combat, stck combat, and unarmed combat at our national police academy (analogue: like if he taught at the FBI academy) and also teaches various city police forces. (no - i am not making this shit up)

he came over and talked to the kids. he took a bit of a different tack than i expected. he talked about the level of adulteration of different kinds of drugs - especially chemically based drugs - like the acid my daughter dropped - and then suggested that they both grow up. he told my son that he needed to be a man and not a punk - that being the source of the acid daughter dropped (daughter lied and told him a mutual friend wanted it [yeah - i was very unhappy with this scene in totality]) was not the actions of a man - that a man would protect his 13 year old sister and would never hand over acid to any 13 year old - especially his sister. he described a couple of the situations in our city where some whitebread folks had decided they were badass gangsters and ended up wired to chairs and tortured for his ATM PIN (white teen went to the hood to buy drugs [our racial underclass is north american indians]). another local young restaurateur (who happened to be the cousin of the stbx's sister's husband [the geophysicist]) who ended up chopped into pieces and found in parts inside a burned out car on an indian reservation (the kids had some awareness of the nature of his demise previously - but my friend added a bunch more grisly details).

blah, blah, blah

my friend left. son asked me if he could light up. i told him i wasn't going to give him permission, and i wasn't going to tell him not to - that the whole point of the episode/session was to get them to exercise judgment. i wanted to see his choice.

he lit up

i do not believe in "gateway drug" theories. i am of the opinion that an addictive personality is an addictive personality (and gene pool).

that being said - the time has come to disrupt my childrens' drug use.

my daughter has crossed the line from "organics" to chemicals - and said she'll do acid again.

harm reduction in this case has not worked. both of them are looking for escape and are only finding it in drugs.

i am taking a series of measures: no drug use in the apartment - not by them, not by their friends. daughter is no longer allowed to hang out with son and his friends. both will be required to attend narcotics anonymous and al-anon meetings with me. both are required to attend treatment/education sessions with our health district's alcohol and drugs unit. son is required to get a job.

there will be no "crashing" at the apartment when son has friends over - any sleepovers by friends will have to be pre-arranged and pre-approved. his friends will not be allowed to come over when daughter is at the apartment (she is back on week on/week off). i will be refusing to allow son to go to his best friend's house (best friend is his primary source of pot) later than 10 pm on school nights (I currently will allow 10:30-11:00). if i catch son wandering outside to get high after 10pm he will have to find somewhere else to sleep that night (he would likely go to his mom's place 3 blocks away, but hopefully it will indicate my seriousness).

----

it is my hope that the disruptive shockwaves of the above actions will be a starting point. the above practices and strictures are not all that inconveniencing - they will just disrupt their current pattern. much like a person who is trying to give up smoking is urged to alter their normal habits and routines in order to avoid the patterns of normal usage (like whom you go for coffee with, taking up exercise in place of coffee and a smoke - those sorts of things)

----

i have gotten references to a number of professionals by my daughters counsellor - a support group, professionals in the field of youth addiction, and such - i am attempting to become even more informed on the subject of addiction and dependency

i need to make sure that my actions are not co-dependent or enabling - and so far i can construe many of my actions as naively well-intentioned, and as enabling. i am not pillorying myself. i have been instrumental in keeping both of them away from X and meth - but obviously my methods have not wholly worked.

as my friend said to the kids last night (about 5 or 6 times [for my benefit, i am sure]): "Your dad, even though he knows better, still believes that love can cure everything."

----

daughter had a breakthrough (in my opinion) while talking with son and myself. she said that part of the reason she wants to take drugs - and wants to take acid again - is because then she doesn't feel like herself - and she hates who she is.

that she is weak and betrays people - like her brother when she betrayed him by lying and actually getting the acid for herself. like betraying me, like btraying her mother

that she feels like she is constantly lying ind betraying people (which she is and does).

we talked a bit and son pushed fairly hard (i had to get him to back off sometimes - he can be a pushy prick). daughter said that she doesn't want to ever make a mistake - so she lies and covers up - and doesn't make her true intentions known

because she hates being wrong

she hates people telling her she's wrong or doing something wrong - not because she wants to be perfect (what son tried to accuse her of) - but to avoid the pain of criticism and to avoid getting shit

the fact that she said these things out loud is significant

that means she has at least partially admitted it to herself

----

she said she doesn't want to live at the apartment, and she doesn't want to live with her mom - she just wants to be left alone

while at one level it is a cop-out...

she's also only 13 years old - and is still a child - and is still suffering under the pressures and chaos that has been inflicted on her

----

(do you think it's passing odd that daughter does this right after she goes back to her mom's place - this acting out?

my mom asked me "Why does she only do it to you? Why not to [stbx]?"

my counselor said "In young children they most often act out with the people they feel the safest with, and the closest to. There is no reason to think that this behaviour would change in an adolescent - or even an adult.")

----

son

son has a dependency issue

have to fix that

----

daughter

son

i need to

take steps

it just keeps getting better

2009-03-31T00:21:00.003-06:00

my daughter dropped 4 hits of acid today

spellbinding

took them at school

somehow managed to survive the day

my contacts in the drug scene tell me that a hit these days is maybe a third the potency of acid in my (and some of your) youth

so just over one hit from my perspective

which explains why she wasn't hallucinating.

of course i never hallucinated anytime i was on acid - even 4 hits - of the old potency (over 20 years ago)

she was weepy and weirdly paranoid - but slowly came down

and is going to bed to sleep for the night

she has counseling in the morning

maybe this will be a breakthrough moment as she looks closely at herself

yeah

sure

----

i know that there will be some new drama in my life each week. so something is expected (not this, though), it's a law of the universe. i must attract, cultivate, or simply have a need for drama - i think

because otherwise you would think i would run out of this crap

things a Dad does not want to read posted by his Daughter's

2009-03-23T17:50:00.004-06:00

from March 4th

"kay i'm so pissed because i want to like screw around with someone and everyone is taken or i can't touch and it's making me very pissed like i "had" someone to like "torment" jk but i did and i was so excited but because of shit now i'm not with them and i'm like wtf am i going to do and it's really pissing me off ! so i decided to take more secretive pictures and i'm hoping to put a few up on here but those one's will be non secretive! i really hate how no one can be in a relationship with me and i'm so fucking ready ........... Gawd it pisses me off it's like no one listens to me ever and when they have a problem they expect me to listen? FUCK YOU i've had enough i'm so fucking sexually frusterated that for a whole day i slept because whenever i was awake i wnated to fuck everything DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS???? it's fucking B.S. is what that is it's like fuck can nobody just fucking live in [our city] and want to be with me???no because everyone fucking sux and has a stick too far up their ass to notice me"

my response:

i replaced the vibrator i bought her last year that she burned out (no - i didn't ask how...)

i went through every electronic media device in the house for pics - even deleted stuff (file recovery programs/disk forensics [including flash sticks, their camera, and their phones)

some bra and panty (and a corset) stuff found, but nothing untoward posted on the internet on any of her hangouts. she left herself logged in to her hotmail account so i went through that while she was out

nothing untoward there either

uneasy, and more than a little queasy about looking at half-naked sexually suggestive self-pics of my daughter...

but all appears to be still safe

uck

it's a while new world out there

----

i know my daughter's various login ids. i keep an eye out on her activities. i am discrete and do not ask or challenge her on stuff - i hate snooping and mostly don't, but with her going back to her mother's today i felt the need to just check out what's going on in her head.

i'm worried about potential self harm

instead i found the above...

still thinking through how to address the situation

i have the birth control and condom talk at least once a month with both kids

mediation went well

2009-03-23T17:49:00.003-06:00

have to get ready for my class, so not much details right now

will post later/tomorrow

things went well. i have some expectation that things can be moved along even if just a little

it was a solo intake metting - just me and the mediator

----

the money quote:

(i was explaining how i was prepared to take less than half of the property if it would move things along and stop or ameliorate the stbx from having a shit fit on the kids over the financial settlement)

"And has your practice of accommodation stopped [stbx]'s outbursts in the past...?"

"Your children have survived a fair bit so far. They will likely need to survive a little bit more, no matter how unpleasant in the short term. Anyway, I'm not sure how any family court judge would accept any settlement that was any other than close to even. They are certainly not going to take one where one person keeps their whole pension and most of their assets and the other just walks away with the debts"

(speaking of stbx's pension and my marital credit card debts)

first mediation session monday morning

2009-03-22T19:24:00.002-06:00

as above

solo visist with the mediator to discuss settlment and custody issues

joint sessions later

the good thing is the department of justice picks up the tab for mediation services (it costs less than stuff going to court for the government)

the bad thing is that i expect this is yet one more stalling tactic

we'll see

----

daughter goes back to her mom's until friday, tomorrow

i'm bummed, but i can't do much - she agreed...

more detail when my head doesn't hurt so bad as it does right now

meeting went well (later edit: or not...)

2009-03-12T19:51:00.009-06:00

Mom and Dad were good

they asked for details and i provided them with as much as i had - i just sent them more information

they are not demanding that i work through anything with them

they are asking that i have my monthly budget and statements gone over by an accountant to confirm the information i am giving them (reasonable request)

i will end up lowering my total monthly credit card payments from something around $1100 to a $200 payment on their line of credit

interest rate dropping from an average of 17% to 2.5%

saving over $400 per month interest

it was all supposed to be paid off a couple of years ago...

that would be from a settlement

that isn't here yet

----

[start]
Late Breaking News (later in the evening):

Mom had the shit fit I expected earlier. It just took awhile. I had sent over the written details of what i had outlined in our verbal session.

They are so hot and cold. Just like on buying the house.

Either be fucking prepared to help me or don't. Either want the facts, or don't. I hate this start and stop crap.

Smitten told me that most people marry one of their parents. Me, I married both.

I recognise it is their money. But they offered. I did not ask them.

I took them at their word they would be (and continue to be) reasonable.

I understand that it's their money. But I have/had other options to make my bills and to make it over this hump. But they made the offer - knowing the general outlines of my situation - there were no surprises. But now they have to have a shit fit and are starting to ask/demand me to explain/justify my whole history of how i got here going back years.

I'm not prepared to do that.

I've done the dance for them one too many times.

And yes - you may be reading this thinking "beggars can't be choosers". But i didn't beg. They offered.

fuck

and now it's the same crap they have pulled time and time again - convert an offer of help into me having to beg and justify and abase myself

[end]

----

on the lawyer/settlement front:

me to lawyer last week:

[Son] just advised me that [STBX] told him that he and [Daughter] have to move back to her place or else she'll "lose everything" and have to pay $1400 a month child support

this is one of the major sticks she's been emotionally beating them with recently

From: lawyer@lawoffice.com
Date: Thu, 12 Mar 2009 17:03:29
Subject: Re: [STBX] telling kids lies about child support

[Cadbury],

I have phoned [STBX]'s lawyer and asked for this manipulation on the part of [STBX] to end IMMEDIATELY. I hope it has stopped. I was advised they have spoken to her so hopefully it will end.

Also, the mediator has been assigned and her name is [mediator name] and her phone number is [number]. I was going to follow up with her tomorrow as she is supposed to be arranging to speak to you and [STBX] either tomorrow or Monday to set up the first meeting.

Lawyer

paying off credit cards

2009-03-12T13:46:00.002-06:00

my Dad lent me $2000 this month, and we project will lend me $2000 next month until my employment insurance kicks in

Dad just offered to pay about $25,000 of my credit cards out of their home equity line of credit - this will save me the better part of $400 per month in interest and take away those monthly payments

but Mom is a little edgy about it

it's not my plan - it's Dad's - but i can't argue with the logic

so now i am going over there to discuss things

i am not thrilled

i'm not ready for this kind of an event emotionally

i've been working through opening up some of the issues from my childhood surrounding the constant violence i suffered through grade school. i don't know if i've talked about it before - but i was beaten up on pretty much a daily basis at school - it was a daily (sometimes more than once a day) game to the kids to see who could whack my nose to make it bleed

add that to my brother's consistent violence (he liked to kneel on my arms and sit on my chest and slap my face for the couple of hours before my parents came home from work) and ridicule

add that to opening the box that all that had been stuffed into - and looking at the situation with different eyes - thinking about the fact my parents didn't defend me

didn't move me to a different school

insisted that i not physically fight or physically defend myself

a pacifist response was demanded

but they didn't go to the school and demand action from the teachers

who told me they couldn't do anything to the kids (and you may recall me discussing that the priest at our catholic school had told the other kids to rough me up because of my Dad's politics)

----

i'm not really emotionally up to this meeting

but i'm leaving now

worked through a lot of crap this weekend

2009-03-09T13:44:00.002-06:00

i'm finishing an assignment for class tonight, so i can't post many details

the working through is a lot of introspective stuff

spent the whole weekend talking to Smitten

i discussed with her and we explored more of my personal history and how it relates to how i am handling things now

as i detail my life i realise just how abusive it has been

i don't want to sound whiny as i say it, but as i have gone back over things it becomes more and more apparent how abusive my environment has been since childhood (eg - my brother's lifelong physical and mental abuse, getting beat up in school for my dad's politics, the local priest telling the kids in my [catholic] school to beat me up because of my family's politics, my parents' lack of intervention, their highly demanding posture, blah, blah, blah)

i won't blame the past, but i will understand how it has and is affecting and conditioned (as in: brainwashed) me - and i will take steps to change me world view and some of my behaviours

----

daughter is talking about moving back with her mom half time

i am trying to do everything i can to stop that from happening

i am fearful she will end up harming herself severely or killing herself if she goes back into that mess

----

more later

really ill - life is sucky

2009-03-03T19:55:00.002-06:00

i've been really ill for the last 2 weeks or so

some kind of influenza thing

i haven't gotten much done

dishes and laundry - managed to keep on top of them

but not much else

haven't even shaved in 2 weeks

----

my lawyers have filed the paperwork to suspend the court motion with a 3 day notice of return. they have begun the process of getting the mediation sessions underway.

the stbx's lawyers were supposed to, but surprise, surprise - they haven't

i still think it's all a big stall to not go to court...

----

i think i may have missed telling you that i had a face to face with the stbx and her lawyers a couple of weeks ago

the stbx wanted to avoid court

so they cranked up the pressure on mediation

i was against it, but my lawyer advised me "in the strongest terms" to agree to do mediation

she said that agreeing would get me closer to where i want to be

it keeps a judge from dicking with the current custody/living arrangements

it prevents a ruling against me on custody

you see - the kids cab live with me full-time with just visits to their mother and yet we can still have joint custody. my lawyer says that i would probably lose the temporary custody order. she says that she believes that the stbx would hold it together more than well enough to appear sane in front of a judge (this is the first time my lawyer has met the stbx).

so the kids stay with me. the longer the de facto arangement remains - the more likely it is to be upheld by the court. the longer the kids are sheltered from their mom - the less they want to spend time with her - especially since them staying away and her not being able to force them to come back is sending the stbx into fits - so she takes it out on the kids - which drives them away more

the lawyer says to me "Do you want to win in court, or do you want to keep your kids away from your ex?"

----

i'm broke

seriously broke

like out of money

i have some room on a couple of credit cards

Dad lent me some money, but i will have to go kissing ass for more over the next 2 months until my unemployment insurance starts arriving (with the end of the deemed period of my settlement).

i would have had enough money, but i had to spend a whack of extra cash on eqiping the apartment better for both kids to live here full time, and on massage, chiropractic, and medication.

----

not that inspired a writer at this time, so i think i will try again tomorrow

taking care of kids

2009-02-24T10:43:00.003-06:00

likely dropping out of another class... i only have two left, so that will leave me with one

that sucks

i feel like i suck

failing at university again - failing to achieve my goals - failing to complete my course and individual classes

again

thought maybe third time lucky.

the first time it was my fault. i partied too much. the second time it was the psycho ex bagging at me about money that pushed me off the straight and narrow.

the crap this time is putting me off my third try

i am consoling myself with the knowledge that some is better than none (one class), and that making sure i survive and that my kids survive is the most important thing to me.

so i will likely have to lose the class (withdraw)

to make myself feel better i will quote Bill Clinton on family and jobs:

"And number three, the president needs to know he's doing right by his daughters.

In their hearts of hearts, most fathers believe that raising their kids is their most important job, even presidents. And so we should be happy when he takes his children to school, because it then will free him up emotionally to be even more involved in the decisions of the presidency.

If you know you've taken care of your kids, then you feel that your job can get your full attention."

- Bill Clinton, CNN interview (02/17/2009)

13.5 miles

2009-02-04T20:07:00.001-06:00

that's what i ran today

i feel awesome

3 hours

1800 calories

around 3 years ago my fibromyalgia was so bad i had severe pain just walking to and from the bathroom in my building

Smitten wrote:

2009-02-01T17:24:00.003-06:00

(It was suggested to me by a blog reader that I post this in the main part of the blog. this is a response Smitten wrote in relation to a comment by Sicilian on the post Day by Day (below))

----

February 01, 2009 1:55 AM

Smitten said...

Cadbury read me your comment, and I asked him to pass along a message from me - he however, suggested I write it myself...

First: Hello!

Second: I am a bit apprehensive about writing here as this is not my space - it is Cadbury's - and I am very conscious about people having their privacy. Just so you know, I do not read this blog - however occasionally Cadbury will read aloud what he has written or comments made as a result.
Which is why I felt compelled to comment today.

I know that he has chronicled our relationship, and that the nickname "Smitten" comes from shortly after we met and he wrote a post (side note, after our second date I wrote that I was "smitten" with him as well).

Yes, the ex has a personality disorder (nuts) and yes it has been a tremendous strain on Cadbury. Yes, he is doing an amazing job - there is so much going on all the time. It is like he is constantly bombarded. But,he handles it, and that is why I am still hanging in/on ... he is worth it.

I am humbled by your comment - and would instead say that I have the insight and understanding that all this periphery stuff will eventually go away. And I see all this stuff as a useful (albeit painful) learning experience.
Every crisis = an opportunity.

The stress will eventually come to an end. And when it is finished, he and I can continue with our great relationship... he is a wonderful man, who actually is the amazing person.
I think that we bring out the best in each other, and when we are together, all is right in the world.

So I thank you for your kind comment, and most of all your continued support. I came along in the middle of the journey, but you all have been here from the start.

P.S. yes, I care for him an amazing amount, and lucky for me, he cares for me the same way.

Day by day

2009-01-30T11:09:00.005-06:00

Day by day
Oh Dear Lord
Three things I pray
To see thee more clearly
Love thee more dearly
Follow thee more nearly
Day by day
- from Godspell

----

not that i'm religious

i describe myself as a "recovering catholic"
(when i was kid the Priest in the Parish that was attached to our school would tell the other kids to rough me up because he was a bitter political opponent of our political party in general and my family in particular - i have some resentment issues...)

but i could sure use some serenity

----

i wanted (and had) the prayer of St. Francis sung as one of the hymns at my wedding

Make me a channel of your peace
Where there's despair in life, let me bring hope
Where there is darkness, only light
And where there's sadness, ever joy

(full lyrics)

that and this one (derived from Matthew 25:34)

Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto me.
When I was hungry, you gave me to eat;
When I was thirsty, you gave me to drink.
Now enter into the home of My Father

(full lyrics)
----

[interlude]
as you know, i have been active in socialist politics for my whole life

in politics, people often discuss the written works, or ideological treatises that motivated them to activism

those two songs - that i learned as a very small child - still move me to tears - it might be weird, but it's the truth - those two songs and the ideas contained within them are the core of my personal philosophy

if it sounds strange that religion would be part of socialism, well... the social gospel is a huge component in the development of our political movement - we were founded primarily from the activists from radical churches in the 20s and 30s - at least our intellectual base (and our longest serving leader and premier [like a state governor] was a radical baptist minister) was derived from theological treatises. i think that's one reason that Barack Obama appeals to me so much - the emphasis on self-reliance - but help being there if its needed no questions asked - no "means test" - the emphasis on human dignity - as we say in our party: "the best social program is a job"
[/interlude]

----

When I was weary, you helped me find rest.
When I was anxious, you calmed all my fears

----

my children are weary

i am weary

i spend a lot of time trying to calm them and work through their feelings

there is a rule of thumb in counseling that it takes three years of counseling to overcome every year of trauma/disturbance

i am trying to work my kids through their shit faster and easier than all that

my counselors and doctors (and Smitten) say that i have made remarkable progress in the time since leaving

i hope to be able to help my children in the same way

i work every moment i can or am able to help them

they are the total focus of my life

----

i don't post much (obviously) because i spend almost every waking hour thinking about and working on the issues that confront me and confront my children

i am in counseling twice a week, and Smitten is ever my stalwart coach through this process

i try to escape the madness

and posting keeps me there

lots of times i will go to post and then just end up playing a computer game to "zone out" - i play strategy games - the illusion of order within the construct of the game helps me cope

----

the kids are moving away from the fear they had/have of their mother and her tirades/rants/sessions. they (especially daughter) are becoming defiant (son was already there) of her and avoiding contact with her

they are feeling somewhat protected and sheltered

i understand the transition they are going through

----

daughter and son are in incredible muscle pain

their symptoms mirror my own

i don't think they are mimicking

i am taking them for massage and chiro and to the doctor (and exercising), but they are still in much pain

with the stbx you have no choice but to internalise your emotions because she cuts you off in all directions

i used the analogy before:

when you were a kid, did you ever encounter another kid who would "torture" a dog by cornering/crowding it, and then cutting off all means of escape - and every time the animal would try to escape they would move and block that point of escape/exit... did you ever see that one?

that's what she does in conversation

if you are angry she attacks you for being angry - if you are calm she attacks you for being disinterested or disengaged - if you are ordered and solution oriented she attacks you for being emotionless...

and on... and on... and on...

as soon as you respond to one charge or accusation she pulls the rug out from under you and throws another lie or baseless charge that has just enough of a whiff of basis in truth or actual events that you react and try to defend yourself - and then she cuts you off and/or changes topics again - and then attacks you for not answering the original question she asked - and accuses you of not being interested or caring enough to respond to her feelings - and attacks you for being off on some other topic (that she injected) and not addressing what she wanted you to

it's a no win situation

no win

not ever

she's fucking nuts

----

the kids get trapped just like me

they get suckered in time and again

please read "Sweetened Cocnut" to review an analysis of her shit...

----

sometimes we don't answer the phone

sometimes we do

sometimes i can keep the calls down to only 4-6 minutes (a great victory)

the stbx calls all the time

since the kids went away she wants more to do with them than she did while they lived with her. the kids are sick of it. as son said "before, at least, she'd just ignore me and leave me alone - now i actually have to spend time with her"

but then sometimes she's nice

and the longing they have for the mother they wish they had comes out

i understand that too

i wanted to live with "lucid [stbx]"

----

daughter has dropped her ethnic dance

that was the reason she cut herself that morning

she didn't want to go to practice that night and she didn't want to tell her mother, or her aunt, or her grandmother on that side of the family

she was worried about their disappointment and recrimination

she had no place to put her anxiety so she took it out on herself

her anxiety was well placed

after i told her mother she wants drop out

and that the cutting was a direct result of her anxiety

while she was out with her mother - less than one week later - visiting grandma and auntie

they both put extreme pressure on daughter - not once - but on two separate occasions - daughter had to defend herself from three adults sumultaneously

even after i had warned her mother about the issue and warned that it might cause another cutting episode

the stbx denies they pressured her

daughter had to stay home from school the next morning because her legs and arms were in such spasm she couldn't walk

the doctor and my massage therapist were incensed that her mother would put such pressure on daughter - and with that outcome

especially my massage therapist

she was in tears at seeing that much tension and pain in a child

----

my kids sleep a lot

son almost fell asleep in class and came home for the rest of the morning to sleep

i am trying to get him up to back for the afternoon right now

will try to post more later

a few pictures

2009-01-22T00:28:00.005-06:00

daughter's arm on monday

what my mom made for her granddaughter (fully homemade) that was reported subsequently as "feels good in my stomach"

finally relaxing a little - she was home from school today (extreme headaches, muscle pain and spasms)

she had just eaten a bowl of the pasta (and finished an hour's massage)

----

yeah - the stbx doesn't care what she does

she just needs to fill the void inside her

she doesn't care who she destroys trying to fill her void

even if it's the people she says she loves

----

a draft excerpt from material i am writing for my lawyer - explaining what her "outbursts" are for when the courts ask what it is in her behaviour that is causing such pain in the people around her:

stbx doesn't trust that people love her. She lacks the sense of self, and the self-love to accept that she is loved and is lovable.

When she receives a demonstration of love or affection, two things will often happen that take much the same form:

1)because she doesn't truly believe that people love her, she will test them to see if they really love her, or if they are being nice to her because they want something from her. At some point the person reacts to being tested or their demonstration or statement of love and affection being challenged.

2)if she perceives the action or words to be real, because she usually feels unloved and unlovable, she wants more – and she will take actions or say things to get the giver to do more – and will ask for more as long as the person will give. At some point the giver recoils from love being demanded from them.

In each instance stbx's takeaway to her challenging whether people love her or not is that the people don't really love her or were “just being nice to her” - which then reinforces her self-image of being unloved and unlovable.

It is a vicious cycle of neediness and rejection which ends badly.

mellower

2009-01-10T14:22:00.002-06:00

i'm way more mellow today

spent last night with Smitten. daughter and son were out at sleepovers.

got to have a night that was focused on us. even if i spent a huge amount of time talking through stuff about the kids, my mind and spirit were not with them - i was with Smitten

that freedom from total engagement was really good

because usually i fully bodily, mentally, and spiritually engaged with my kids and their situation (by bodily i mean that my body fully reflects my mood and my worry or happiness [not a lot of happiness lately])

we drank martinis, talked, watched some battlestar galactica. slept and had awesome morning sex (well, 11 am...)

a wonderful recipe for being more relaxed ;-)

(in a personally positive moment, i had only momentary erection issues - yay!!!)

----

Smitten had to get a new car. she is out doing that today.

her old car had a couple of issues that were highly problematic (starting with the head gasket).

given that she is on student loans and such right now, she ended up needing to lease rather than buy a car (can't have the asset to be eligible) - we did the costing and it will be OK - over 4 years it will cost about $2000 more than buying. she has trade in/up options if she decides to get a new vehicle after she is done her master's degree in 2.5 years

i have some cash in the bank so i loaned her some up front money to enable the whole transaction. she will be getting the last of the money from her dad's estate in the next two weeks (has the cheques in hand - just needed court documents to be able to do some bank stuff for the last disbursements) and wil pay me back.

----

son is in regular drug counseling - not that it's doing much, but he is slowing down on his use as things stabilise and as i ask him to assume more responsibility for care of his sister and for things around the apartment and in the household.

----

daughter has had her psychiatric assessment after a suicide scare on monday of this week. not an attempt but she was feeling suicidal. so she called me.

more on that later

----

i am pushing hard to get the settlement, custody, and divorce done during this period

if it's going to be fucked up, it might as well be fucked up all at once. and it will help keep the stbx destabilised if i keep hitting her with more stuff during this period.

----

daughter, at least in talking to son and i, is not happy with her mother's behaviour.

she does not want to go back.

i give her every opportunity to say she would like to. give her the option almost every day - i give her enormous wiggle room and the ability to visit or spend time with her mother.

she resists every time

she only goes when she feels trapped by obligation to go with her mom.

i think that bodes well for how we will be able to affect the outcome of the chambers hearing on my motion

with distance from her mother, daughter has slowly become more comfortable with separating from her mother

daughter is identifying more and more of the manipulation and control tactics and techniques their mother uses on them and has used on them. she is breaking the code of silence about crap that went on (including incidents of violence toward daughter) over the years (more on this later)

son is desperate to stay away from his mother (more on this later)

as daughter so eloquently expressed it one time when i was suggesting they be considerate of their mother and her desire to see them

"fuck mom"

alrighty then...

2009-01-08T13:15:00.002-06:00

sorry i haven't posted during this whole period

i know how waiting for news about my friends (you folks and in real life) always makes me crazy - not knowing what's happening to people you care about

i'm sorry

i have been attending counseling twice a week, talking to Smitten multiple times a day, talking with the kids non-stop (helping them through what they are feeling), dealing with my parents (who mean well, but are almost like having to deal with my kids...) and thinking about the situation almost non-stop since early december

as well as all the medical and other appointments and lawyer crap

and having to talk to and deal with the stbx - more than even before - too much - aaaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!!!

it becomes almost too painful to deal with to then type it all up again for the blog

sorry - really

i think about all of you constantly - sometimes i am able to flick by your blogs in the middle of the rest of things

----

how's it going?

January 7th was supposed to be the court date but the stupid cow and her lawyer filed a motion for an extension. my lawyer said they are almost always granted, especially since there is nothing pressing and i will maintain the current arrangement which is the one i am requesting in the motion until the 23rd

i hate this

i hate the uncertainty. the worst uncertainty is for daughter - she doesn't know whether she will somehow end up back at the house for a week at a time - but now without her brother to shield her. she is playing it very cagey and tentative with her mom and "blaming" everything on me. saying she has "no choice". and that i have imposed the regime on everyone.

we agreed she should do this to protect her from the "wrath of mom" until we have something official and legal

the stbx refuses to send schedules of when she wants visits and tries to just lob herself into the mix at random - based on whether she wants company at a given moment or not. that puts the kids under pressure and gives her a point of drama and entanglement with me

i had to refuse to discuss such matters unless she sends a written schedule

its still not even a schedule - its a few sentences that almost never contain a time or place or description of event or whom will be the "supervising" or "accompanying" person. i end up having to rewrite the note and send it back with times locations pick-up and drop-off responsibilities, blah, blah, blah - passive-aggressive crap on her part

it is still only at the point when i refuse to allow her access that she even sends that - you see it also gives her an excuse to try to entangle me into phone conversations by whining and balking

there have been a couple of "must attend" events that she has been able to get me to agree to allowing verbally (then i follow up by email) - so she keeps trying to stretch the arrangements and push me - she knows how much i hate hassle and arguments and being pressured - just like my kids know i will cave on minor points just to avoid pain and hassle...

the "must attends" she has pushed on have been christmas stuff with her family and an engagement party for her nephew and daughter's dance events (and an appointment to make alterations to daughter's outfit [ethnic dance costume])

until i have the legal clout to tell her to fuck off i have to always "act in the best interest of the child". christmas and her dance are that...

aaaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!!!

it's the endless entanglement and having to even talk to her and endless rambling and circular conversations that make so crazy

it's not even the shit she pulls so much

it's the excruciating pain and suffering of having to endure her endless rambling bullshit and whining

the kids and i have talked about how this is a form of abuse - we all just hate it

----

Smitten just arrived for a late lunch

i'm at the university right now - i have resumed taking classes

so i'm going to post this because i have no idea of whether my plan to finish it this afternoon will work out

so i will post this as an incomplete narrative

see you later

all my love and best wishes to everyone

men smell bad...

2009-01-07T13:34:00.000-06:00

at least when there is a large number of them and they are sweaty and in a locker room

honestly

i have shoveled and moved piles of rotting pig shit that smelled better than the locker room at the gym yesterday

you know how towels get that nasty rotting smell if you leave them damp?

and men's old socks are usually gross?

and how some men smell really sour bad when they sweat heavily?

mix 'em together

[barf]

for the record - i rarely smell bad

i am a freak about hygiene and personal odour

yeah - men smell bad

----

there is incredible levels of shit going on in the rest of my life, but i will post on that trajectory later tonight

assuming something else doesn't come along to fuck up my life between now and then

same old shit - just further along the path it previously was on

the day after

2008-12-13T11:19:00.003-06:00

i tried to reach the stbx on friday afternoon. some of the elements of the arrangements require that i outline them to her. i wrote a script for the call and passed it by my lawyer who made a few adjustments

couldn't reach her

i was in a store with daughter looking for a birthday gift for her friend when the stbx called. i told her i was in a store and would call her back in 30 seconds. i went out to my vehicle and called her back

i began to read the script

she interupted

surprise

she didn't let me finish what i was going to say

she said "[cadbury], i'm in a very emotional state right now, so if you're going to say mean things to me or things that will put more pressure on me please don't."

i started read the script again

she says "before you do that i have just one question, just one question... whn i'm better, will you let me..."

i cut her off "the answer is yes. utterly yes. when you are better. when you've worked this through. that's all i've ever wanted."

she kept interrupting me as i tried to get through the script and threw me off. she's always been able to do that to me. lobbing shit out of no-where - the exact words that she knows i will have no choice but to respond to. i managed to get the salient points out of my mouth. i then cut off her babbling as i didn't want to talk and she had her lawyer on hold (call waiting).

the call took about 5 minutes

she called me a little while later while daughter and i were still out at another store.

she started babbling about shit. i tried to keep her to the key points that i am prepared to discuss with her - visitation, sunday's concert (daughter), and christmas. she went all over the map.

some key takeaways:

1) she never threatened suicide. when i pointed out that she had told daughter "the only thing keeping me from suicide is you being here". she said "oh. i guess i did say that. nbut that's how i really felt at the time."

2) after i told her daughter was on prozac and under psychiatric care (not just a counselor) daughter isn't really all that concerned about the stbx. daughter isn't really that concerned about the suicide threats or discussion. she isn't that concerned about her mother. daughter is projecting daughter's guilt about daughter's bad decisions surrounding sexuality and daughter's expression of it.

if that makes no sense... the stbx brought up an incident in which daughter was "molested" by another girl of the same age at a sleepover when daughter was about 9 (the girl stuck her fingers up there on daughter).

the stbx said "daughter has made a number of poor choices in engaging in sexual activities. i think she, like everyone, has guilt about those poor choices. i think daughter has done some things she's not proud of - things that are beyond what she's able to handle at her age. and that she's just using the suicide thing with me as a way of projecting that guilt she feels about her own poor choices. so if she needs psychiatric help i think that's why."

i was pretty flabbergasted by this statement.

she went on to tell me how the only thing that she ever asked son for was to not smoke dope in the house and to go to school. and that was uncontrollable. she did nothing else with him - left him alone to do his own thing totally. total freedom

she asked if she could call the kids to tell them she loved them.

i smelled lawyer trick. i said she could, but that she should do it sooner than later - right now - so that she didn't upset daughter while she was at her friends in a short while. that she should refrain from one of her big emotional rambles and keep it short for now.

she asked me if she shouldn't phone, and if thought it wasn't best. i told her that i would provide maximum access that wouldn't upset or rattle the kids. that she should phone.

that's her testing - our laws call for maximum access for both parents

i told her i would talk to her on saturday about picking up the dance outfit, and on monday about visitation

she called the kids, and that was the end

friday's the day

2008-12-12T01:03:00.002-06:00

on friday my lawyer will be filing papers with the stbx's lawyer

i am filing for sole custody of my daughter - my son at age 17 has already chosen

daughter, while torn at one level, is ok with it

i asked her whether she wanted to arrange a visit with her mother on monday night (her mother works 'til 9pm) after she is off work

daughter said "i don't want her to get the idea that i want to see her"

for all the ambivalence and fear about her mother's reaction, when it comes right down to it she wants to escape her mother as much as either son or i...

tomorrow is supposed to be switchover day

i will call the stbx and tell her that daughter will not be coming over and yet one more time that the stbx should be looking at counseling

i will warn her about calling the kids - that she is enjoined from unsupervised contact with them - that calling them (or me) repeatedly will constitute harassment

more later - i just don't have it in me to write a swack of stuff

there is so much going on between all of us and the swirl and chaos is all encompassing

----

"i don't want to set the world on fire
i just want to light a flame in your heart"

clarification

2008-12-07T11:39:00.002-06:00

my ex assaulted me when i tried to pick up my daughter (friday was switchover day)

she struck me in the head and chest with her fists and lunged at and shoved me

in front of the kids

----

she had been in an altercation with my daughter earlier in the day when stbx pretended to be going to leave the house "I'm just leaving. i'm leaving and you and your father can live in this house with [Smitten] and i'll just disappear - you'll never see me again. you've made your choices. now live with them."

high drama

then she turned to leave

and daughter grabbed her and they scuffled

high drama - all aimed at pressuring my daughter to stay with stbx full time. to move two provinces away with the stbx.

stbx had pressured daughter into agreeing to move. but that wasn't enough. in almost the exact scenario i had to deal with the night i left the stbx, agreeing to "stay" wasn't good enough. she had to have more. so it wasn't enough to have daughter agree to move, but daughter had to immediately agree to stay full time with stbx - and start immediately. because stbx has to have it now - and have it all.

there are only her needs - and no-one else's

once again, stbx overplayed her hand. she took her eye off the ball of the eventual goal of having daughter move with her and got greedy - and in doing so she will have likely lost her endgame.

----

i explained to my kids that my decision to report the incident to the police is not motivated out of malice or revenge. that i was not out to "get" their mother or punish her. that i would not be going all "hardcore" on her. that my intent is to see if i can get their mother the help she needs through the courts and family services. get my children the intervention and support they need. force a few of my ideas on counselling and healthy options on the whole scenario (oddly - my ideas mirror public policy in this province... who'd 'a' thunk it?)

son says that he wishes that i would go hardcore. wishes that i would turn the screws hard. he says that he believes she is a sociopath and that her public fuck-upedness is a cover for a devious, manipulating, and malicious interior. he says he believes that she is "evil" (yes - that word).

daughter and i disagreed with son. we think she's just fucked up.

----

i explained to the kids that i had been thinking through the implications for a day. and that i had made my choice based on stepping back for a moment and thinking about all those papers and manuals i had written about how to deal with relationship violence. that if it wasn't me and it wasn't our family. if i was a woman and not a man - what would i say should be done.

and the answer was immediate.

i had to report it.

----

i thought about what my children witnessed - and the reports i have read over the years about children witnessing family violence

and now it's happened to mine

if my daughter was ever assaulted by a boyfriend or husband (or wife, if she goes fully that way) she will have at least one moment of modeling that has to do with being resolute and not caving in

----

my daughter said that she had been considering committing suicide earlier friday. that Alex - the friend of son's that is still staying at the house - came in and saw her and said "[Daughter] - what the fuck? Don't do that."

daughter says she blames herself for the scenario in which her mother would leave or abandon her.

i am still trying to extract some details about the situation, but have had difficulty because the kids have had friends around constantly since the incident.

if my daughter is moving toward suicidal thoughts i need to keep her away from the stbx

i am seeing social services and may lawyers on monday - until the stbx is in treatment i am going to try to keep daughter full-time until she is more stable.

we'll see if i can get around the stbx's lies and poor me story

a huge chunk of me believes that by the end of this, i will be the one in jail... from her lies

but my head prevails - i have to see this through

luckily i have a some aces in the sleeve

Alex and my son

and my daughter

and Chris - the guy who used to live there last year

all can provide proof of the stbx's whackedness

and because this is the police and assault and the domestic violence unit, this will alter daughter's behaviours and propensity to cover for her mother

daughter doesn't want to move away. she doesn't want to go with her mother - and even though she may actually love her mother - or may be even more stockholm syndrome than me

i think that given the proper cover and the proper "i couldn't lie" defense for why she told the truth - daughter will spill the beans

----

i think i am going to puke now...

the mildest thing

2008-12-06T10:50:00.003-06:00

my last post is probably the mildest thing that happened yesterday...

this afternoon i will be going to the police station to file a complaint of assault and battery against the stbx.

it's very sad, but utterly necessary - she does not have any idea of the consequences of her actions

she only wants what she wants when she wants it - with no consideration of the effects on others

she has to be stopped and stopped hard

perhaps the outside intervention of the police and social services will alter this currently unwinnable situation (and by winnable, i mean that my children are safe and not under extreme stress)

she has been telling my daughter that the only thing that keeps her from suicide is my daughter's presence. she's threatened suicide. she's threatened abandonment to pressure daughter into agreeing to move with her to another province. daughter agreed.

daughter and her got into a physical altercation yesterday

there is much more

on monday i will be asking my lawyer's office to file papers to grant me temporary sole custody until there have been interviews and psychiatric assessments all 'round.

...my daughter just woke up - more later

among the more disturbing recent statements

2008-12-05T16:43:00.005-06:00

cadbury (text message to daughter's cell phone [yes, i just bought them both cell phones and am paying for their bills]): "when should i come get you? 5?"

daughter texts back: "Um well i'm battling mom so i might be awhile... LOL also i promised i'd eat something here"

son ([in same room as me at apartment] after i read daughter's reply): "yeah, she's probably playing the suicide card again. that's where it sounded she was going to me when i talked to her. i'm going to take a shower."

it was the blase nature of his comment that was the most disturbing... that the stbx's suicide threats would now be normalised and just annoying. the disfunction continues...

----

son had earlier gotten off a call with her (30 minutes previously) where she had ranted and raved in a most deranged manner (i didn't ask him for any details).

he is attending school every day

his colour is better - even the teachers and principal at the school commented on how much better he looked and how much healthier and rested he seemed (meetings i was attending in order to resurrect son's school standing

he has seen his mom a few times in the last couple of weeks (2 1/2 weeks) since moving out. he still has some clothes there that we haven't pulled out

i overheard him say on his call with her: "I want to retain a relationship with you, and i want it to be a good one - i just can't live with you."

he has cut back on the amount of pot he's smoking - he's slipped up on a couple of the days, but has made an honest effort. i've asked him not to smoke it on sunday, monday, wednesday, or friday up until we finish exercising (m/w/f are exercise days)

----

BTW - things are better now

my health, my arm, my spirits

dad is ok - and being an asshat (not doing his exercise and such...)

son is good - he's made the break

things are changing for the better

dad is good (so far), son moved out of stbx's house

2008-11-20T01:09:00.002-06:00

dad is fine

surgery went well. six bypasses, no aortic replacement.

as of this time he has the ventilating tube removed, and was conscious. the old bastard must be pretty tough. he was conscious and aware. he knew who he was, where he was, and what had happened.

that is apparently not what usually happens in the first few hours after bypass surgery. we are told there is usually substantial disorientation

all his limbs are functional so there appears to be no stroke.

my brother saw him and talked to him at about 10:30 pm our time - he had just come out of sedation and had the ventilator tube removed

i am happy that things are far better than i had prepared myself to deal with.

----

son moved out of his mothers last night

he is here full time now

for now - but i expect permanently

more on this tomorrow

dad's surgery is on wednesday/withdrew from classes

2008-11-17T17:11:00.005-06:00

as above

the prognosis is much better than i expected/was concerned

thank-you to Sicilian for the information you provided about bypass/replacement surgery

i am still VERY concerned about the possibility of stroke after the fact, as is my sister. my mother and father do not have the same level of concern, saying that the doctor has not mentioned it. i pressed my dad to ask the question specifically, but he hasn't so far.

i call avoidance...

----

i have put together a plan(s) and sold it to my sister (eldest child/overachiever of the family) to address the potential outcomes:

1) he's fine (normal recovery)
2) he dies
3) he clearly requires institutionalisation
4) he suffers a level of incapacitation that leaves it unclear if he should be in an institution... leaving my mother to care for him - which she can't. she cannot

in regard to instance 4: at my suggestion my sister made initial contact with the priest who is Vicar General of the Diocese and the Archbishop in the event that outside intervention is required to get my dad to agree to going to an institution. he can be a selfish, egotistical, self-centred son-of-a-bitch at times.

very kind many days, but he generally comes first in his world and he really doesn't care whom he inconveniences or puts out.

(i remember one time i was in a briefing with the Premier of the province - he called my cell phone. i skipped the call. he called 3 more times and i finally said i needed to take the call. i told my father "Dad - I'm in a briefing with the Premier." his response: "Oh... Well, I'll only take a minute."

I hung up on him and turned off my cell phone (i generally leave it on at all times so the kids can reach me).

----

my mom is in pretty rough shape - this si taking a terrible toll on her

she has post polio syndrome

what is post polio? i believe it is fibromyalgia - as do a number of experts in the field. either way it mirrors the fatigue and fog of FM. and the pain and the stress responses.

----

as noted in the post title, i dropped my classes

more later

P.S.

thank-you to all of you for your thoughts, wishes and prayers

i mean that in the most heartfelt way

thank-you

surgery

2008-11-12T03:41:00.002-06:00

dad's going in for open heart surgery on the 17th

quadruple or quintuple bypass

some kind of heart repair something

and likely some kind of aortic replacement (planned but not certain)...

for a dude who's been having TIAs and has massive arterial plaque issues...

the 17th is the last possible date i can pull out of my classes with just a withdrawal and no failure recorded

it is the day i expect my father to die or be permanently disabled from a stroke

hopefully that will not come to pass and the old fart will pull it through

my mother has complained that he seems to think that by sheer force of personality he can overcome his physical condition

i hope he is enough an asshole to prove her right

all in a day

2008-11-10T11:02:00.002-06:00

one of my professors just sent me an email recommending i withdraw from his class and take it again next semester
(context: fibromyalgia and family issues)

my dad's angiogram is complete. they are keeping him in hospital to do bypass surgery (how many bypasses, i don't know). for some reason there is a gasterointerologist involved... so maybe there is more than just the heart issues - we just don't know yet

i guess that solves the health insurance while in the U.S. issue - 'cause they're not going anywhere

where's cadbury?

2008-11-08T12:03:00.006-06:00

how much in the way of chunks do i blow as a human being?

plenty

how much chunks is life blowing in general?

plenty

as i said to my counsellor on thursday "i'd rather be dead right now, but there just wouldn't be any point in it because it wouldn't solve any of my problems..."

don't worry, i'm in no way a danger of doing harm to myself

if nothing else, i know that even were i curled into a little sobbing ball, i'm of better value to my children than their mother

and i haven't been in that curled, sobbing ball publicly yet...

the pain is what has really taken me down. everything else is so much harder to take when i am in such incredible pain. my arm and shoulder are just beyond words in how much pain they have been causing me. please remember - am not a suck about pain - i get my teeth drilled with no anesthetic.

the prescribed drugs don't help. massage doesn't help. physio doesn't help. acupuncture doesn't help. electro-stimulation acupuncture hasn't helped.

the pain and the other crap in life has brought back a massive fibromyalgia attack. it's as bad as its been since 2004 - before i began my exercise and fitness regime and before i left the stbx

the muscle spasms and acute pain (rather than the dull general "bruised" pain of the overall fibro condition) started to spread to other parts of my body

i haven't been able to do my assignments for school because i can't think clearly past the pain. the pain and the fibro fog. i had to ditch one of my midterms because i couldn't think well enough. the assignments and exams are pending - i had registered with the disabilities office and that is helping the profs be able to give me leeway under the rules.

i wasn't able to attend class all week this last week.

the one bright spot is that last week i went to see Lenny Kravitz - which was cool in and of itself - but i decided to get really high for the concert (took a cab home). my arm hurt much less after that. fibromyalgia is one of the conditions that is eligible for medical marijuana in canada. mine is legal - i had some left from a couple of years ago (yeah - it was pretty dry...) and did that.

i called a person i know and got a small amount more - i am desperate and will try anything at this point - anything to make the pain go away

it worked for a couple of days in conjunction with relaxation, but the pain and fog came roaring back on sunday and monday when i went to buckle down into my assignments (because my brain was clear enough of pain to work)

my arm is a bit better now, so it is not quite as excruciating and the spasming has stopped spreading to other parts of my body

my anxiety level has been juiced up to the unreal

on thursday and friday i could barely function without starting to degenerate into tears - other may not have noticed it or known, but that is what was happening inside

the kids were with their mom, and she was being even more of a freak. she has a new schtick because fighting and arguing didn't work. now she goes on rambling rants/talking and crying/weeping jags. the kids say it's worse that fighting with her because at least then they were fighting.

Son and daughter are smoking drugs all the time... they are missing a pile of school (absences)

Smitten pointed out to me that the new behaviour out of the stbx and the kids reaction is much worse - because now they are subject to the same pressures as before, but don't even get the protection of defending themselves verbally

they are now just taking the emotional drubbing - like the dog in the electrified floor experiment

----

Learned Helplessness

Psychologist Martin Seligman spent years studying the impact of "controllability" on people and animals which is described n his book, Learned Helplessness: On Depression, Development and Death.

In a typical study matched pairs of dogs were divided into two groups, one where the dog could control what happened and one where it could do nothing. In the first situation, a naive dog was place in a room with an electric grid floor. This first situation was called "controllable" because the room also contained a puzzle. If the dog "solved" the puzzle, the shock stopped. In this example the puzzle was a lever, which when pushed, turned off the shock.

Since the dog had never been in the room before and it had no knowledge of the shock it was about to receive, the dog was relaxed and friendly as it wagged its tail and wiggled its nose. However, when the electric floor was activated, the dog's demeanor changed dramatically. It jumped and yelped as it frantically searched for a way out. In the process the dog accidentally pushed the lever, causing the shock to stop - a powerful negative win. Over the next couple of trials when the dog was put back in the room and the shock turned on, the dog learned very quickly to run to the lever and push it. The dog was highly motivated - albeit avoidance motivation - because the dog learned that it could do something to control its world.

The dog in the "uncontrollable" group was placed in the same room with the electric floor, only this time there was no puzzle and there was nothing that the dog could do to turn off the shock. Just like the first dog, it ran around trying to find a way out. When the dog eventually learned that there was nothing that it could do it gave up, and laying down on the floor, it took the shock. The dog was not motivated because it learned that it was helpless.

Later the second dog that had learned that it was helpless was put into the room with the puzzle but it made no effort to find a way out. Instead the dog just lay on the floor and took the shock. Even when the door was left wide open, the dog did not attempt to escape the shock. The dog could not seem to learn that the conditions had changed and that it was no longer helpless.

To summarize, the second dog "learned" that it was helpless and stopped trying to get away. Its motivation to escape was extinguished or eliminated. In the process, dog exhibited a lot of negative emotions: first yelping and growling, later whimpering, and eventually just remaining motionless. Something happened that interfered with the dog's ability to learn when things changed and when it could do something. In effect, the dog burned out.

Powerlessness at work can affect people in the same way. As you learn that there is nothing you can do you'll probably experience negative emotions, beginning with frustration and anger, later anxiety and guilt, and eventually depression and despair. In the process, motivation declines. When the conditions change you will probably find it hard to learn and continue acting helpless.

- http://www.docpotter.com/boclass-25helplessness.html

----

also you may wish to read my posts Desperation and Objectivity and Traumatic Bonding

----

hey, did i mention that my dad has Angina? and is going in for an angiogram and probable angioplasty next week... and probable arterial stent

so he's in not so great shape

they are looking at leaving for the U.S. (Texas for the winter) in the next couple of weeks, but Dad's health insurance for the U.S. is now going to be fucked - they're looking into what can be done on that front.

in canada it's not an issue - you get whatever you need for as long as you need it until you die or don't need it

health insurance - what a fucked up system of health care. have a condition? ok - we won't cover you - because what would be the point of giving people the health care they need - that would just cost money... and health isn't about health it's about profit

fuck-you

----

i am trying to meet the challenges as head on as i can. i know that i have a big avoidance streak and that has kicked in hard, but my head at least knows that won't work.

i am:

kicking meat and wheat out of my diet (except for my pita on the morning see Cadbury's Healthy Breakfast

going vegan + fish again - on The Diet

taking my vitamins every day - bought some of those old people daily pill boxes and put the daily vitamins into it so that it takes no effort to just slap them into my hand and then swallow - yes - there are moments when opening the 8 or so pill bottles is too much effort to work up the will to do...

going to counselling twice a week. we are working on two things: 1) relaxation therapy; 2) anxiety reconditioning (like brainwashing yourself out of existing anxiety responses)

exercising every day

aggressively working within the system at the university to make sure my difficulties don't screw my life plan

working with the schools to help my kids

took son to the doctor to see if there is any medical intervention that can be done with him

have an appointment for 2 weeks for son (2nd appointment) and one for daughter

(more on that story later)

cleaning my place up to make it a better and less cluttered/messy environment

going through old boxes of papers and things and shredding and discarding

trying to keep my hygiene and deportment up (shaving regulary - making sure i dress reasonably well to look good)

doing fun positive things - movies with friends and kids (comedies), walks in the fresh air when it's nice enough, addressing the positives

trying to take at least one hour every day for self-care - working on my my relaxation and anxiety workbooks and meditation, and finally doing the exercises in my post traumatic stress disorder workbook

blah, blah, blah

more later

slipping over the edge

2008-10-20T13:20:00.002-06:00

i'm slipping over the edge

i really am having difficulty coping

between

my son's depression, school absences, and drug use (pot, salvia)

my daughter's dyed black hair, overuse of makeup, party attendance and drug use (pot, salvia)

my ex's screaming fits on the kids - which they have normalised - and ranting tirades keeping them up late at night and keeping them from going to exercise or doing just about anything

the insane amount of work in my classes

how hard the math and related stuff is

the pain i am still in (shoulder/arm)

that Smitten is so on edge because i am not giving her what she had before in our relationship (mostly because of all the fucked up shit coming from the ex and the kids)

the fact that i am so defensive around her now

my parents deteriorating relationship and my Dad's incessant calls about how my mom is being so hurtful to him

Dad's deteriorating health and mental condition

the change in weather - first snow a couple of weeks ago - temperature freezing overnight, up to about 50F daytime - grey skies

not exercising because of workload and perceived demands for my time from the kids and Smitten

an inability to concentrate

and the roaring return of my fibromyalgia

and so much more...

i'm slipping over the edge

(no - i'm not suicidal - just unable to cope)

did i see my shadow?

2008-10-16T11:24:00.003-06:00

emerging from my hole with a few thoughts

1) i went to the gym last night - first time in about 2 weeks

i left thinking to myself

"Why does any large group of men generally smell like an old gym sock?"

2) my daughter and i were discussing sex and sexuality issues

i really didn't need to know that spanking turns her on

(practice or just fantasy... i dunno)

3) snow sucks

i hate this fucking place

actually i hate the weather. the place is ok

i guess

4) university was never this hard before

but that was social sciences - something i have been schooled in from birth

5) while i see the beauty of math sometimes

i still understand why i hate it so much

maybe i will grow to enjoy it

bra fitting

2008-10-03T19:52:00.003-06:00

took my daughter to get a properly fitted bra last saturday

i have bought her underwear and bras before

caught shit from the stbx about the stuff i bought and allowed daughter to pick

daughter wanted more interesting underwear than granny whites - you know - jersey material with a little lace on the bottom - not white - slightly different cut - but nothing out of line

stbx spazzed - and then ended up wearing daughter's underwear... daughter was pissed. yeah - the stbx has baoundary issues... stbx said she didn't remember they were daughter's (bullshit)

i think it's a little greebly to wear someone else's underwear...

anyway,

daughter wears her bra 24/7 pretty much. says she just feels more comfortable wearing it. i have expressed my concern about it because of linkages between long term 24 hour bra wearing and breast cancer (theorised that it has to do with constriction of lymph nodes under arms, blah, blah...)

but daughter wore this one bra until the elastic came out. she said it was just so much more comfortable than the others.

so when the elastic came out i made an appointment with a specialty/specialist bra/lingerie place in town (hey - my mom orders her special 4 wire steel truss bras there [she's a busty lady]). i have made special orders over the last 27 years at the place for women in my life. it's a good place.

i took daughter there. daughter was worried it would cost too much.

i told her to not listen to her mother's bullshit and that there were better places to get bras than bargain bins.

about an hour later we had one. the ladies there were very pleased that i would bring daughter in (especially at age 12) and took a bunch of time to explain to daughter how everything should fit and be fitted.

as daughter was still awkward about getting fitted and such, while she was in the fitting room i gave some parameters for the bra - i explained to ladies that the bra needed to have a bit of padding to cover up nipple moments when they might show through a T-shirt. the ladies gave me an odd look until i finished my sentence about the fact that she is surrounded by moronic grade 7 boys - they immediately understood why daughter would NOT want to be nipplish around 12 year old boys...

i also explained the 24 hour bra wearing and told them it need to be ultra comfortable and forgiving

it turns out that daughter is now a C cup now instead of the B she thought she was and that is part of the reasons the other bras didn't fit comfortably - and that the way the others fit with daughters build would cause damage to her breast tissue over time.

daughter nearly crapped when the bill for it was over $120.00

while i was a little stunned (i was expecting maybe $80 or $90), i didn't blink. it was an important moment to underline the importance of properly fitting bras to daughter.

she asked me later why i would spend that much and i gave her the lecture about backaches and all the rest. about good shoes and good bras and avoiding pain and suffering.

i reminded her not to let the bra out of her sight around her mother...

we didn't discuss it at all after the ride home, but i believe that it was an important moment for her and the way she views her bra and money

unexpected extension

2008-10-01T14:03:00.002-06:00

Read Dear Professor

He said (among other things) "The no late assignments rule is for most of the people in the class - the kids - the engineers that never have to take another computer science class after this one and try to to slough the work. We're both adults here - and we understand that life has other things that happen other than the next beer drinking party. I'll give you until I hand all the other assignments back. That should be enough time"

----

I wasn't expecting that

Dear Professor,

2008-09-30T11:47:00.004-06:00

September 30, 2008

Professor H,

My name is [Cadbury]. I am a student in your CS[nnn] class. I am the bald, older, deep-voiced guy who sits near the front on your left as you face the class.

I am writing to you to explain why my first assignment is not being handed in.

I am not asking for any special consideration, or for anything other than a zero mark as befits a missing assignment.

I am, though, asking that when I complete the first assignment, as part of completing the second assignment, that you or your marker review the assignment and advise me of errors, omissions, or style issues and tips that I should be aware of.

I am addressing the missing assignment in the same way I would address an unfinished task in the workplace – straight up with an explanation. I desire your professional respect. However, this letter is as much for myself as it is for you. To codify the reasons for missing the assignment, and as part of addressing and modifying the conditions and reactions that caused the situation.

I am not handing in my assignment because I did not complete it. I did not even complete any of the functions in a manner that would be appropriate to hand in as stand-alone running routines per your marking scheme.

I am 43 years old. I recently took a buyout from my job to return to University for a year (or so) to take the 9 core classes required to get a CS Certificate. I have two children (son 16, daughter 12). I am in the middle of divorce and settlement proceedings. For two years now… as the system and process grind on ad infinitum.

I would say it is a messy divorce, but it isn’t really - from perspective of the potential for messiness that exists surrounding such events. It is your run of the mill breakdown of the lives of four people – two adults –two children – with all the messiness that ordinary emotions and events can produce – messy for me – messy for my children – even if not quite worthy of television or movie drama messiness.

With 25 years in the computer industry I took your admonitions to begin the assignment early seriously. But left the assignment until last Friday to begin, expecting that at my level of coding capability and focus that I would finish over the weekend with Monday for problem solving room. You see, the first assignment from another class (CS[nnn] [electronic circuit design]) occupied my time until last Tuesday, and life occasionally needs to be lived - or at least maintained – in between assignments.

Friday is the day that we do the “switchover” with the kids. Week on, week off joint custody.

On Friday I picked up my kids. It had been a hell of a week for them.

My ex is somewhat unstable (understatement).

Everything is high drama. Minute-to-minute – hour-to-hour – day-to-day.

Last week had more drama than usual.

My children were positively vibrating when I picked them up.

I spent time calming them down from their wound up state. That is, I am afraid, one of my principle functions as a parent. Soothing their shaken state. Making them feel safe (emotionally) and providing a calm stable environment.

Talking. Cooking for them. Love. Watching a movie and debriefing. Taking a walk and hearing them talk about how they feel – sad – angry – distressed – confused – frustrated.

These are some of the tools.

Time.

My son and daughter have various behaviours that are typical of being in that stressful environment: depression, task avoidance, skipping school, drug use (soft), and anxiety. After much difficulty (2 years worth) in getting agreement from my ex (both parents consent is required) I do have them both in counselling since last spring in May. And me – for longer than that. My ex feels she doesn’t need counselling because “Everyone has problems – they should just deal with it.”

This last week was more difficult to deal with than most. As an example: For various reasons my ex is trying to get my son to move in permanently with me (but have my daughter remain living with her – hopefully full-time instead of joint custody). But she doesn’t want to be “responsible” or “at fault” for him moving out – so that she can be the permanent victim – and so that daughter will not blame her and hold that as a reason not to choose to stay full-time with her mother. In one of my ex’s raging moments she told my son to pack and leave. Shortly after that, when he actually began packing, she wailed “Don’t you leave me too…!” and engaged him in a 5 hour straight session of intense emotional drama/discussion where she again alternated between telling him to leave and begging him to stay.

If I were the stronger or better person I fantasize about being, I would be able to calm them and then be able to address my own needs and tasks. The one that Gregory Peck always seems to be every time I see To Kill A Mockingbird.

Unfortunately I am not that person.

My children’s emotional turmoil, and my own after-shocks from a 20 year marriage are fully present. My guts churn, sleep and concentration is disrupted, and depending on how bad or how long the intense period has been I will have a fibromyalgia relapse of varying intensity.

And subsequently I did not have the focus required to do my assignment. Or even be able to move much beyond reading your instructions, reading textbooks, online tutorials, and notes, preparing problem solving algorithms and flow charts – and then staring at the screen of my development environment ([name of environment not included in this post to reduce google derived software hits on this post]).

I take my choice to return to University very seriously – as more than a full time job. I devote enormous energy into my assignments and classes.

Unfortunately events and life have a way of interfering with my choices.

I am addressing the various issues with my kids and myself through counselling, stress reduction and relaxation techniques, and medical intervention. But it all takes time and is not easily fixed.

On the academic front, I hope to be able to review my work with you when it is completed.

I have prepared an assignment cover page and note saying that the assignment is undone for submission to your marker so that the marker will be able to record it as such and not worry that there is a misplaced assignment.

Thank-you for your time,

[Cadbury]
[student number]

----

addendum for the blog:

there some other factors that knocked me off stride. during late august i had a collision with Smitten. I wrote her a relatively lengthy letter with regard to the issues i saw/felt.

she gave me her response letter on friday morning - she had completed it after a long while. that letter, while honest and frank, really knocked me off stride

the response took a long time because she wanted to do it right, school started for me, she left her job and returned to university as well, and her father died and she was lead on all the arrangements...

yes - shit has happened and i haven't been blogging much

more later

whenever later is...

up to my ass

2008-09-20T14:28:00.002-06:00

i am taking 2 heavy classes right now, and expect to be signing up for two grade 12 correspondence (actually over the internet) math classes in the next few days.

the two computer science classes are an programming class and a circuit design class. one has a substantial workload and the other (circuit design) has a bunch of math stuff that i find quite challenging/difficult. i don't think the same way math nerds do, so the way the prof explains the material doesn't work for me. i have to review the class notes and materials outside of class in order to learn and understand it. i am essentially teaching myself the class - his stuff makes me a little familiar and i get to ask questions, but i just don't like the way he breezes by the material.

i have 3 assignments due before the end of the month. all are relatively difficult.

my arm and shoulder are still pretty bad - today the pain is at least down to a dull ache - the pain has been a siginificant factor in putting me under the gun in terms of understanding my material and doing assignments. the fact that i have constant bad spasms in that quadrant of my body also sees me exhausted by the end of the day.

i will suck at being a blogging buddy for possibly months. i will post when i am able and will try to stay in touch, but i have nothing to spare right now.

sorry

more Palin

2008-09-12T13:01:00.002-06:00

have i mentioned i do not appreciate Ms. Palin's worldview or politics very much?

----

""Shortly after taking office in 1996 as mayor of Wasilla, a city of about 7,000 people, Palin asked the city's head librarian about banning books," AP writes. "Later, the librarian was notified by Palin that she was being fired, although Palin backed off under pressure."

"When Sarah Palin was mayor of Wasilla, the city billed sexual-assault victims and their insurance companies for the cost of rape kits and forensic examinations,"

“In 2000, Alaska lawmakers learned that rural police agencies had been billing rape victims or their insurance companies $500 to $1,200 for the costs of the forensic medical examinations used to gather evidence. They quickly passed a law prohibiting the practice.

According to the sponsor, Democrat Eric Croft, the law was aimed in part at Wasilla, where now-Gov. Sarah Palin was mayor. When it was signed, Wasilla's police chief expressed displeasure.

“ ‘In the past, we've charged the cost of exams to the victims' insurance company when possible,’ then-chief Charlie Fannon told the Mat-Su Valley Frontiersman, the local newspaper. ‘I just don't want to see any more burden put on the taxpayer.’ Now that Palin is the Republican nominee for vice president, Democrats such as former Alaska governor Tony Knowles -- who signed the rape-kit bill into law and was defeated by Palin in 2006 -- are raising the issue to question Palin's commitment to women's issues and crime victims. Palin appointed Fannon after firing his predecessor shortly after she took office in 1996.”

More Palin Stories - First Read

Palin's rookie year as mayor

2008-09-11T10:59:00.002-06:00

i think these articles give some insights into the character of the latest political celebrity...

"She became embroiled in personnel challenges, a thwarted attempt to pack the City Council and a standoff with her local newspaper. Her first months were so contentious and polarizing that critics started talking recall.

Her first months also exposed threads that would later become patterns -- friends become enemies, enemies become friends and questions get raised about why she fired this person or that person."

Palin's rookie year as mayor was turbulent

- The Seattle Times

" Sept. 11 (Bloomberg) -- John McCain's choice of Sarah Palin as his running mate sent a signal that he would end business as usual and cronyism in government. Her record shows the Alaska governor engaged in some of the same practices she and McCain now condemn.

Palin's office approved a state job for a friend and campaign aide with whom she shared a land investment, financial records and interviews over the past two weeks show. She hired a former lobbyist for a pipeline company to help oversee a multibillion-dollar deal with that same company.

She named a police chief accused of harassment to head the state police. And she sent campaign e-mails on her city hall account while serving as mayor of Wasilla -- conduct for which she later turned in an oil commissioner on ethics charges.

These incidents raise ``some serious questions about her judgment and serious questions about her standards of ethics in public service,'' said James Thurber, director of American University's Center for Congressional and Presidential Studies in Washington. Suggesting a real estate investment partner for a job ``may be acceptable in Alaska; it would not be acceptable in Washington, D.C., a place whose norms she wants to change.'' "

Palin's Ethics Scrapes May Undercut Pledge to End Old Politics

- Bloomberg Press

carpal tongueal syndrome

2008-09-09T22:52:00.001-06:00

what Smitten is afraid i might get

(just thought i'd share the joke)

how cool is that?

2008-09-08T17:21:00.002-06:00

Smitten to Cadbury last night:

"Oh my God - with some ups and downs, i think that was a 40 minute long orgasm..."

Cadbury to Smitten:

"Cool"

----

yes indeed folks, there is a reason that as a teenager i learned to peel a grape using only my lips and tongue (a suggested exercise in the book The Erogenous Man), and learned to do the tongue/lips cherry stem tying trick
[heh]

(yes - i'm feeling particularly manly today)

pain and grumpiness

2008-09-04T23:44:00.004-06:00

i'm in a lot of pain

my left shoulder and arm have been bugging me since late july and has flaired up into excruciating bursts of pain with excruciating throbbing and muscle spasms in between

it hurts a lot

i have minor surgery and teeth drilled with no anesthetic

not that big a deal...

this fucking hurts

massage, muscle relaxants, more massage hasn't helped

i have an appointment for acupuncture

----

i got a 63% in my class

fucking bullshit

should've gotten an 80 or 90

i am in discussions with the university's disability office to get extra time to write exams - having a history of not being able to finish exams in the time allotted is not a learning or other disability, but the staffer is sympathetic - once again people who know me and my history (20 plus years of involvement with the university) know i am not bullshitting - and know my ability. we are using my fibromyalgia (and possibly my anxiety diagnosis of a couple of years ago) as the official reason for getting extra time on the exams.

my doctor is sympathetic too - so the doctor's note shouldn't be hard to come by.

i feel comfortable. it's not like i'm asking for more than the chance to prove that i know my stuff - no other consideration - i am just that careful and methodical in my processes

need more time

----

i have started the fall semester - two classes on campus - two math correspondence

i am energised by each day on compus

so much life

so much enthusiasm and energy

a far cry from the cynicism and grind of the job

i am riding currents of air any time i am out there

----

when i am not owly and exhausted i will get my vacation photos up and such

it hurts a lot to sit at the computer for very long

this post is very painful, but i wanted to say hi and let you know what's up

see you soon

this is fucking bullshit

2008-08-22T12:04:00.003-06:00

i just finished my final

once again the time limit burned me

if i pass (and i have to pass the final to pass the class) it will be a marginal pass

with 30 more minutes (3 hour exam) i would have walked out with an 80 or 90

but no

it's not a test of knowledge, it's a test of how quick you are...

the logic of it all just takes me longer

my work is always good

i am hurting

i am really quite crushed

but,

if i fail, i fail

i will re-do the class and do better next time

i will not complete all the classes in the timeline i set out (1 year), but i will complete my plan, bumps and all

and the future will have to hold whatever it holds

busy week

2008-08-21T22:30:00.002-06:00

assignment was due monday

wrote the quiz i missed - no mark - just got it corrected so i could see my mistakes - quiz mark is now rolled into final - which is now worth 53% of my total mark...

wrote my lab final today - got 88% on the not counting quiz - which included material from the week i wasn't there

got 86% on the lab final - 2nd highest mark in class

final on friday

a couple of pics

2008-08-18T17:49:00.003-06:00

some rapids we climbed while on vacation

i will leave it to you to figure out which one is me, and which one is Smitten.

more pics later when i have time to process them more.

on vacation

2008-08-09T08:17:00.000-06:00

gone until next weekend (aug 16-17)

see you