arts and culture weekend

there was still some tension on friday night. we dealt with some stuff in our respective lives - Smitten laundry and housecleaning, and me - helping my Dad with his computer over at the University where his research office is for the book they are sponsoring for him to write. it's based on his master's thesis (Dad just completed his masters degree a couple of years ago when he was about 77 years old).

i was tense about stuff at work, about helping my Dad - he can be kind of needy and can use up as much space as i give him to use up...

Smitten needed the time to just make a break from things in her workplace, and i think she dropped by her Dad's place. She also wanted to put her house in order.

----

With public health being what it is here, we have an extensive home care set-up. Some is publicly funded through the health system and some is not. In the week in between the first email in the last post ("I was not asking for you to fix this for me.") and the second(" Especially that you gave me an offer, and not a solution."), Smitten father was released from hospital. But before he was released he was required to have a home care assessment and plan worked out. Under public health here, if you are incapable of properly looking after yourself completely, the hospital workers (and staff social workers) can refuse to discharge you until you have adequate care arranged.

That was imposed. Her father is receiving home care for health, hygiene, and medication (make sure they take it on time). You see it costs the public health care system less to send nurses around to look after people in their own homes, bathe them, and give them their medication than it costs to have them in an institutional setting. It also allows a person more dignity to remain in their home and retain a level of independence.

Cleaning his apartment will be a separate and private arrangement the he and Smitten may choose at some point.

This is the point where i say: I was right. My assessment of the situation was bang on. Even to the point of Smitten's worry and stress being reduced. For the record, I didn't say anything to her or even imply it to her, though. When she told me that this was being ordered by the health region/public health I just said "Good - that will alleviate some worry for you."

I did ask her if she wanted the list of private providers i had already obtained and explained the structure of the care that was and was not provided through the public system. She said yes, and i gave it to her.

We have not returned to the issues of our disagreement at all. She discusses her Dad's situation and i listen. I work really hard at having no ideas on this subject.

----

Why do i mention "I was right"? Because. Because I was right. I hate getting shit for being right. I need to say I was right to affirm that I am a capable human being and that i was not wrong. I was wrong for a lot of years. Even when i was right i was still wrong.

i need to affirm (to myself at least) that i am not a useless clod who gets things wrong at every turn.

----

Friday night she came over later and we spent some time, but went to sleep early. It is good to sleep with her. I am pleased that she finds comfort in my presence. It was one of her desires - to sleep together. Her ex-husband was a stay up after she went to bed and watch TV guy. She missed the warmth of a partner next to her.

----

Saturday was a late start and some running around doing a few errands. Doing a little bit of shopping. We ended up in an east Indian clothing shop that is new in out city. that was pretty funky. Smitten loved the jewelery and stuff. This shop already provides for many of the belly dancers in our region. They can also send to India to have clothes made. There is an village that the proprietor is hooked into that produces textiles and clothes. Some kind of co-op/collective thing (which is good - not as much fear of exploiting poor people in India). I discovered I can get a silk suit custom tailored and shipped here for around Cdn $400. [heh!]

That evening (last night) we went to a chamber orchestra performance i had bought tickets for. Son needed to attend a concert for his band class, and I had proposed he could come with us as well. He would have gone to a concert last week, except last Saturday was the belly dance year end concert - for some reason son didn't want to miss that when i asked him if he wanted to go...

anyway, the concert was quite nice. we dropped son off at home and i went to my place to change. Smitten had dressed up, and i had stayed in regular clothes. I was a little embarrassed because i really should have just dressed up for the fun of it. i have gotten so far away from dressing in stuff other than jeans and regular clothes that i forgot/forget to take the time to look snazzy.

Smitten was absolutely stunning. she was just bowl me over hot last night.

i wanted to go out after 0 she was a little tired, but said we would go for a drink.

we went to a local martini bar - a hip place - techno dance music, good decor. had a couple of drinks

tennessee citrus

2 parts Jack Daniels
1.5 parts Amaretto
A splash of Vodka
1 part Lime juice
Lime


chill your martini glass.
mix two parts whiskey, one+onehalf parts amaretto, optionally a splash of (citrusy, if you like) vodka and one part fresh (ideally pulpy) lime juice in your shaker over ice.
get out your martini glass.
pour into the glass and garnish with freshly cut slices(s) of lime.

a couple of others i can find recipes for just now - will share later

we had a good time. we ended up staying for about 3 hours - she discover3ed she wasn't tired anymore. went back my place and didn't get to sleep until after 4am...

----

got to go now - need to go exercise. we are attending a film launch tonight. one of Smitten's friends has done a graduate film about belly dance and it is premiering tonight. we are attending

kinda cranky with Smitten

so Smitten is going through a rough spot in her life. She has a co-worker who is one of the most annoying/irritating human beings on the planet. no really - i've met her. she is really dimwitted and doesn't get it. get anything. and she is in the same office as Smitten. and she sings to herself and interrupts all the time and argues with Smitten - even though Smitten is ostensibly her supervisor. And doesn't complete her assigned duties. But Smitten's boss won't green-light any action.

This lady was transferred to Smitten's section because this lady was so irritating to all her old co-workers (i have heard this from their mouths). But they won't dispatch this lady because they are a "caring organization" who doesn't fire people because they don't really believe in firing - no matter how slack or incompetent - they believe in working with their staff to improve.

Except Smitten's boss won't let her intervene.

blah, blah, blah

Smitten's Dad is sick and in and out of the hospital. Smitten is somewhat estranged from her Dad and resents having to spend the time arranging for his care. He in essence abandoned her when she was young and Smitten's mother was a mega-cow (my word but a description echoed by all of her children).

Smitten is a little stressed.

that's fine. i can deal with and understand stressed.

the other day she was sending me email about how she is really intolerant of having to look after her dad - especially cleaning his place - and how it was making her mad.

so i said i would get her the details/prices on home-care.

and the response:

"thanks for the suggestions as to how I can fix this issue - however:

"And right now, I think I need to feel the feeling so that I can get over it."

I was not asking for you to fix this for me."

ok - fine

i was trying to be "pro-active" in providing support. i wanted to respond to her stated need to have someone in her life who was prepared to do things under their own motivation. she had a marriage and subsequent relationship with guys that took little initiative. i tried to take initiative.

i extrapolated from things my mother said about my dad "Just look around and see what needs to be done! Why should i have to tell you what needs to be done." I tried to be there for her so that she wouldn't feel alone - that she wouldn't feel like it was "always up to you" and that she "couldn't count on anyone" to be watching out for her

that the end responsibility was always hers

i figured that getting home care quotes - after her stating how much she hated the work it took to do the cleaning and stuff at her dad's would not be interfering with her life. i would get a list. that i would show by action that i was "pro-active" and would take initiative.

well, as you read above - it wasn't taken that way.

it all hit a spot in both of us and took a weekend to settle out (2 weeks ago). we had a discussion the friday evening. i expressed my unhappiness with her response and that she appeared to be toeing a different line that she had given me otherwise.

we talked and she said that while home care might be the ultimate solution, she wasn't prepared to go there right now, and that me presenting research on such an action would sort of preempt her own actions and feelings.

i recognised that sometimes i can encircle people in my life with my ideas and my logic. that they can feel trapped by my solutions and thinking.

having uncovered and explored the circumstances, we agreed to let the issue lie

we were heading back to the groove when we had another email exchange

her:

I am just totally stressed out and am at my max .... I will be fine when I get a few days to rest and not have so many external demands upon me.
I need to get grounded so I can cope better.
Sleep is huge - I have not had decent sleep for 4 weeks in a row.

me:

whatever i can do to help, or to reduce the demands on you, please let me know

i want us to focus on your needs in this next week

i want you to be healthy and feeling good

Smitten's response:

"thanks, I appreciate your offer.
Especially that you gave me an offer, and not a solution."

goddamn i was choked. i tried to let it go, but it didn't go. so the next day i asked:

"i am unsure of your intent with this statement

it feels like a shot/dig but i don't think it is, i'd like to think it isn't

however,

i thought that this issue was left to dry in the sun after our last discussion

i am not sure what you are accomplishing by bringing it up after that last discussion on this matter."

i then re-expressed what i thought was our agreed upon posture toward the issue and ended it with:

"i was trying to be helpful. i try to be helpful. i try to take initiative in our relationship. i try to be respectful or your needs, your space, and your independence. in the previous discussion, i put my pride aside and recognised a pattern and a way of doing things that i have that was causing problems. that my approach was wrong. i dislike being wrong - a lot. but i value my relationship with you. so i tried to approach the issues openly and recognising that i had made a mistake in how i handled the matter of doing the home care inquiries. after our discussion (which took that whole weekend to work through) i thought the issue was closed for the time being.

have i been providing you with solutions again?

what is the point of rubbing it in again?

this feels like you telling me that i need to back off and give you the space to deal with your own issues. or is there some other message you are trying to get across? or some underlying issue that was not dealt with in our previous discussion that remains open? "

Smitten called my cell - she was quite upset. she cried, she said that she worked really hard at not being a person who brought stuff up from the past after things were settled and that she was actually thanking me because i hadn't offered a solution and and that most other people she had talked to had been giving her advice and telling her how to deal with the situation.

i let it go and said that perhaps i had been too hasty to jump to the conclusion that she was making a dig. that my own past was intruding on my interpretive filter.

but i've just got a whole bunch of red flags going up all over the place around this.

stbx-Mrs_C was all nice at first too - she had her periodic flares, but was otherwise nice.

i'm just feeling really uncomfortable with this whole thing with Smitten. i know that part of this has to do with the crap going on in my life. that external stressors are triggering feelings and chemicals in my body that are causing me to use an interpretive filter that is negative. that looks for signs of things like stbx-Mrs_C would be acting

i am telling myself she is not the same person, there have been few other triggers or incidents. she acts differently.

but the fear is real. the fear is so real

Smitten just called and we talked. she could tell from my voice that there is something going on. so i explained it to her.

stbx-Mrs_C would always keep me guessing. i hate that. i hate the dark cloud of impending doom. i never want to do that to someone, and while she might brood or think about what i've said - at least she won't be guessing

i'll see her later and hopefully everything will be ok

Bob the Boyfriend - a descriptor post

Pissy asked:

"Have you met Bob?

Just wondering what he's like...."

Bob

What to say about Bob?

Bob is a working guy - he is a gas service guy or some such - makes about $50 an hour. He is a drinking buddy/hunting dog training buddy of the brother-in-law.

He's about 54 - some 5 years older than stbx-Mrs_C.

Bob got injured at work a number of years ago and was in hospital and his wife left him for his best friend. Bob continued raising his daughter (i do not know if he has more than one kid), says he got screwed in the divorce, and has lived alone for some years (since i've known him anyway).

He's a decent guy. He's lonely. He pretty heavy - to the point of health issues (heart/blood pressure) - and that has limited his possibilities for dating. He loves his meat and sausage and beer. That's some of the things that drew him and the brother-in-law together.

Bob was always sweet on the brother-in-law's wife (stbx-Mrs_C's sister) in the opinion of stbx-Mrs_C and myself. As she put it "If [brother-in-law] ever died or left [sister], Bob would be in there like a dirty shirt."

Bob has centre-parted seventies style brown hair, a mustache, and glasses.

The kids say his house is furnished in late garage sale and early knick-knack - with a singing fish or two thrown in.

They have jokingly said that part of their mother's attraction to him is because she could redecorate his place.

I can't offer too much more than that. We went to a couple of wild game dinners with him through the local hunting dog club. he was around on a few occasions with the in-laws but he didn't have much to say when i was around.

The kids both say he tells really dumb and pointless stories (yes, i know that sounds catty - but that's what they said). That includes daughter before she became irritated or unhappy with her mother.

Bob has lots of money.

if i think of anything more i'll throw it up in future posts.

some stuff stumbling around my brain

no real pattern or point to this post - just some stuff that is wandering the corridors of my mind.

----

how is it that stbx-Mrs_C could have been promulgating the story to my children about me trying to replace my existing family with smitten's, and then do the Bob the boyfriend over every day thing? be pushing son to spend time with bob the boyfriend at hockey games and stuff, and having bob the boyfriend driving daughter places when she specifically "forbade" me having Smitten do such things? stbx-Mrs_C said things like "I'm their mother, she [Smitten] isn't going to replace me, and i resent her trying to wiggle her way into my children's lives."

Smitten wasn't and didn't. I respected stbx-Mrs_C's feelings on the issue and went out of my way to make sure that i did not attempt to integrate Smitten in any manner like that.

Once again I listen to what she says and act on it. And then she doesn't live by her own demands or edicts herself.

----

I still cannot get over the fact that now that i am on my own and have a theoretically higher cost structure, that i have more money to do stuff than before i split.

i have higher payments, too. my credit card payments are worth a chunk more, and i only earn a couple of hundred more per month than then.

i knew that i rushed to pay everything all the time because i felt guilty because of our marital fiction was that stbx-Mrs_C was paying the most. but it doesn't seem to actually have worked that way.

i just wonder why i have more money. i can't tell you with certainty, because every time i tried to do a budget with stbx-Mrs_C she would have a complete conniption fit on me.

----

stbx-Mrs_C has told me a lot of times how she is mad that i "replaced" her, and "replaced" her so quickly.

before we split, stbx-Mrs_C told me about how she had this fantasy about how if i ever left her that we would see each other out somewhere. that she would have "lost all this weight" and she'd be "looking really hot" and i'd see her and be all sorry that i ever left her and that i'd want to get back together with her, but she'd say no - that i had my chance.

I think that the way things worked out were a little different than she imagined

----

it kind of irks me that stbx-Mrs_C is seeing Bob.

why?

because i think she could do better than Bob.

but maybe she can't. maybe he's perfect for her. more on Bob in a day or two.

it also irks me because the first words out of stbx-Mrs_C's sister's mouth when stbx-Mrs_C told her i was looking at apartments (Aug '05) were "Well, Bob'll have you."

----

just stuff

"He's over every single day, FUCK I'm sick of it!"

[SLAM - goes the vehicle door as son walks to the house to get his sister as we were heading to my Mom's place and out for supper]

With the above statement (made yesterday), son expresses his unhappiness with Bob the boyfriend being at his mother's house every single day. Yes - every single day.

Daughter says she really wants me to get my house so that she can get away from him being there all the time.

She says that if it takes awhile to get my house she might start coming back to the apartment.

When I asked them why he was over every day they provided 3 reasons:

1) Their mother is "basically insecure"
2) "He wants to get into her pants"
3) "[Bob]'s got no life"

Their fourth reason, added later, is so that their mother doesn't have to cook because Bob takes them out to eat all the time - or pays to order in.

----

And the world turns...

Happy Mothers Day

To the Mothers I know,

to the Mothers who read this blog:

Happy Mothers Day.

The significance of a mother in a child's life does not diminish with time. Use your all powerful nature wisely.

Love your children well.

And may they love you well in return.

[later edit: for some reason Blogger set this post to no comments... i dunno]

Jane Fonda Nails Stephen Colbert

for Terry:

[Video embed removed because it was 500 pixels wide and stretched my page]

Jane Fonda fondles a nervous Stephen Colbert

and another desperately funny one i found while looking for the above (referred to in the above):

[Video embed removed because it was 500 pixels wide and stretched my page]

Colbert Cooks and Interviews with Gloria Steinam and Jane Fonda

For the record, i like feminists too (did i ever mention that Smitten is on the board of our regional Womens' Centre and was President for several years?). I also know some "angry women" (see second video above for reference). For more on that, see yesterday's entry about job threats.

Ischemia

apparently my dad (80) has had some transitory episodes over the last several months. he had one the other day. my sister called me and asked if my mom had called me yet to tell me. she hadn't. i expect she is leaving me alone while i deal with the other shit in my life.

Ischemia

"Rather than in hypoxia, a more general term denoting a shortage of oxygen (usually a result of lack of oxygen in the air being breathed), ischemia is an absolute or relative shortage of the blood supply to an organ."

it's kind of like a little stroke.

"A transient ischemic attack (TIA, often colloquially referred to as "mini stroke") is caused by the temporary disturbance of blood supply to a restricted area of the brain, resulting in brief neurologic dysfunction that usually persists for less than 24 hours"

dad couldn't remember a bunch of stuff for awhile one morning.

----

mom just called

apparently it happened a couple of times (very minor) while they were down in the States, but she didn't want to push him 'til they were home (free medical care and all) to get it checked out. he'll be having a full work-up shortly. his medication and stuff has been changed

mom has recruited us to put the lean on dad to clean up his eating and health habits - mr meat and potatoes and bread...

----

son failed an exam today. math.

teacher called because he was so upset when he left her class. teacher says it's unlikely he'll pass the class.

i'm going to talk to her about a rewrite on compassionate grounds. son found out about the mini-strokes yesterday when he went to do some work for my mom and dad. maybe i can weasel him some slack on those grounds.

i'm proud of son that he didn't spill the beans to me. he was asked to not say anything to anyone. he didn't.

----

Smitten's dad was hospitalised a couple of weeks ago. he was supposed to get out. the health district won't allow him to be discharged until an assessmentis done of his ability to take care of himself or to call for help in an emergency.

yes - public health regulations/staff here have the ability to refuse discharge of people from hospital if they are likely to suffer a relapse or be in imminent danger.

he is getting a home care assessment done (some of the home care is funded under medicare, some [cleaning] has to be privately paid for). he won't be released until the assessment and arrangments are done.

he has problems with his legs failing (heavy smoker)

it's difficult for her because she is largely estranged from him, but feels an obligation to assist because he is unable to handle it all himself. he is not a super-capable guy. he wasn't when he wasn't around when she was a child (divorce) and isn't a very good dad now either...

----

the office politics are heating up inside the organization. there are succession politics after my boss left. some of our "client group" are getting nasty in the infighting. i got threatened to keep my mouth shut for the first time today.

i documented the conversation.

----

stbx-Mrs_C agreed to my buy-out figure

----

got to go teach - later

i resolve

i have been considering the various issues occuring in my life and have arived at a resolution of sorts.

1) son: he will do what he will do or not. if he sticks to the plan that the school and i developed, he will pass and move on the his next grade. if he sticks mostly to plan, they will make accomodations for him to finish his work after the school year ends and he will pass and proceed. they do not want any child to fail their grade for bureaucratic reasons as well as nicey nice reasons (a failure results in a bunch of paperwork and a review by school board administration).

if he does fail he will have to drop out of either french immersion or his computer classes. the net result(s): he graduates with an english language highschool diploma not a french language baccaulaureate. if he drops out of the computer courses he has to spend 1 extra year in tech school after high school. or he has to spend an extra semester in high school after his peers would graduate.

a half a year "wasted" is a relatively cheap life cost with regard to this divorce/family breakdown for him. that would mean he would have a certificate in computer animation/multimedia and a job at age 20 instead of 19 (100% hire rate for this particular course - average starting wage rate of about $45,000)

the anxiety of failing to meet expectation will probably be more crippling in the long term. i need to reframe the issues for him.

all of the above being said, i still want him to pass and stay on track.

2) stbx-Mrs_C: she phoned and wanted to meet to discuss son and his schoolwork and "attitude". i intend to refuse the discussion. i have worked out a plan with the school. her only role will be to make sure he goes to sleep before midnight and that she actually gets him up in the morning. everything else is in his control. i have even set up a structure (with the school) so that he can do his work at school (3 days a week) instead of coming home to distractions.

i have put forward my buyout amount for the house. i dropped my asking amount by $10,000. i project costs of roughly $5-10,000 if i force a sale. if this gets her to accept and buy me out immediately, i am money even and hassle reduced.

3) dad: he is getting old. he is diminished in capacity, but not senile or alzheimers. the issue there for me is that one of my pillars - my protector is gone.

both of my protectors are gone, or rather reduced to supporting roles not principal roles. that is just one of those life moments when i realise i am the adult and the protector for others now. i have to rise to my new role in life - with the fear and trepidation it invokes. and live the surety of my own worth, value, and strength to be the person others rely on.

not a carbon copy of my father or my boss. i have never wanted to be either - i do not need to slip into familiar roles because of my fear, but rather to define how i will be who i am in my own way. i cannot replace dad's financial accumen or his detail uptightness - but i can model a different, less rigid way of living to those around me - a model that will have its own value - a model that will reflect the real me and not the me my parents want.

4) daughter: she has a choice of how she wants to live. i hope the months of living with her mother's psychosis have freshened her perspective on the universe.

5) old house, new house: i seek not to recreate or hold on to my past. i seek to create a new beginning. i will provide them with a new home. my home. a new tree fort. a new place of comfort, safety, and refuge. a place of laughter and joy.

i do not need to hang on to what exists. we will all live a new life. there is no reason to stay with the old for security and comfort. stbx-Mrs_C can do that if she wants.

not me.

6) parental expectations: they have their way they wish to live. they have their way they wish me to live. the joy is sapped from my life as soon as i try to meet their expectations. i have realised that the joy is sucked from my life whern i try to live others people's expectations whether that is my parents or stbx-Mrs_C.

i will live my own life.

i will place happiness, not preparing for the potential of a bleak future, at the forefront of my existence. my parents are children of the depression (literally) and war (i suspect they are older than some of your parents). everything for them is about preparing to survive hard times.

i wish to be happy. i will plan contingently for survival, but live for happiness.

7) work: if we survive the next couple of weeks it is clear sailing until at least the fall. i believe we will be ok. i choose to invest less of my soul in my cause. the "team" didn't stand by my boss and let him take the fall. i will do my job, but refuse to give the team my soul anymore.

if things go really badly i will get severance. between that an projected savings and the cash i will stash from the settlement i will have 8-10 months of full salary - over a year of survival level money. that will allow me to take a course that i have one year left to complete that will ensure a job in "the real world".

----

time to go, i have work to do

some things i'm feeling

this is a time of transition for me - two significant male figures in my life have changed their status and position.

my boss is gone. the consumate operator. we will avenge his parting from the operation, but he will not be back. with his departure we cannot rely on him to deal with all the crap he used to deal with, and we cannot rely on him to protect us.

since it happened the rest of the office is looking to me to fulfil an number of his roles as "protector" and "shark". it is both daunting and liberating. i always felt inadequate to the task. there are a lot of other sharks in this tank. but it's been ok so far.

----

and my Dad.

my dad peed on my office chair last week. i know it's because of his prostrate difficulties, and that he has inadequate control because of the surgery. nerves and muscles cut.

but still

he was always so strong. he's 80 and i need to accept his mortality. he was always towering in my life and my world view. he still is in some senses, but he is a diminished person. i knew he was heading this way already in the fall (and before), but it has become quite apparent now.

it is a loss.

----

i'm quite angry, upset, and hurt by the marital rape accusation. i really can't shake my upset over it. i imgagine it will dull over time, or i will come to terms with it somehow. Smitten wonders whether i should have my lawyer send a letter to her lawyer advising her that i will initiate defamation of character proceedings.

i don't think i can do that given my job. that accusation needs to be contained to the small circle it will circulate in (a few relatives of stbx-Mrs_C).

----

i want a house. i am tired of apartment living.

why?

two issues. i want my daughter back, and i want to do laundry whenever i want to.

i am pissed off that the housing market in my burg has taken off like it has and now i am going to end up paying an inflated price.

----

stbx-Mrs_C is fucking up my children's lives now. i can just see the insidious effects of her poison in their lives as they begin to fail at most of the things they do.

son especially - at school. he's failing. he's missing classes. he's missing a huge number of assignments.

i have to think.

----

i am feeling a level of guilt about the marriage. there are a number of things that i realise now after counselling and reflection that i could have done differently.

if i was perfect...

i am rationalising that i did the best that i could, and that people are rarely fully together or perfect while seeking cover from incoming artillery bombardment.

i am feeling guilt because it looks like the house is going to be sold and each of us will have a new home. the children will lose the house - icon of childhood that it is for them. icon of a "happier" time.

i am feeling guilt because stbx-Mrs_C is already yapping about a couple of decisions she intends to make that i think are wrong-headed and will land her in a worse off situation. she seems to be making decisions based on her fictional reality instead of what is really happening out there.

----

blah, blah, blah

rape?

stbx-Mrs_C told my children that i raped her twice during our marriage.

my son told me last night that she had said this a couple of weeks ago.

fuck

i did no such thing. i phoned her this morning to confront her on the issue. she asserted it to be true. i asked her when these incidents took place. she said one was about 2 years ago and wouldn't say when the other allegedly took place. when i pressed her for an approximate date she kept deflecting by repeating that it occured and that it was forcible.

because she couldn't give any real timeline, i asked her for what else was happening in our lives at that time to help me get an idea about when she says it happened. she refused to go there - she wouldn't tell me any information about the date.

after i pushed for more details she that i had held her down and had intercourse with her. she said "well, you didn't hit me, or threaten me, or hold a knife to my throat, or anything like that. but it was still unwilling, so that makes it rape."

i asked her if she had said no during her incident. i asked her if i had ever not stopped my advances when she said something - anything - to me during our entire marriage.

she said "it was still unwilling, so that makes it rape"

i told her that i was furious. that her allegation was bullshit, and that it was really sad that she couldn't even make up a date or a complete story to go with her lies. that i had no interest in ever sharing the same space or air with her again.

she said something about it being part of a conversation with our son where he kept "pushing me and pushing me" and that finally she was so overcome by emotion that she blurted it out, and that she regretted having told the kids.

i said that she needed help in controlling her emotions and her problems, and that she was being a lousy parent by fabricating stories like that.

she gave me some further shit about still loving me and always will, and on and on...

i said i wouldn't discuss the issue anymore and addressed two outstanding issues related to the separation and then left the conversation.

----

neither child thought it was worth even mentioning it to me because it was so patently absurd to them. it wandered out in conversation with son last night.

when i asked son about it, he said both he and daughter thought it was stupid and mostly just ignored it after the initial moment

son told me that he and daughter challenged stbx-Mrs_C immediately - that they asked her if she had ever gone to the police, or even told anyone else about this.

she told them no.

now i think their view of marital rape and such circumstances is limited by the more black and white moral world they live in, so their question is unfair in that respect. marital rape is rarely reported, and especially if it were as mild as the incident stbx-Mrs_C is purporting occurred.

but the fact is, this is the first time she has ever said anything about this one. she just seems to make shit up and sees which sticks, or gets sympathy.

she has been going back to the me having an affair thing again with the kids. she has suggested that i had an affair with the lesbian who worked in our office (and her lesbian partner) in our supply closet/computer storage room at work. they have both seen the computer storage room, and there isn't enough room for 3 people to move around in that room, much less the rather obvious issues of two activist lesbians wanting to have sex with me in a weird office threesome.

apparently i had an affair on a 5 day business trip to the pacific rim.

and i had a series of affairs while we were married.

and i have had an affair with Smitten for years.

the kids have asked for her to construct a scenario where it would actually work for me to have been out of sight long enough to have had any of those...

they have adopted all the questions i have asked to poke holes in this ludicrous set of assertions. she has never provided a believable scenario for any except the business trip - and even then, only because i had a room to myself for several days far away.

they are growing increasingly skeptical, and argumentative with their mother about her outlandish assertions and attacks.

i'm sad.

i actually want them to have a decent relationship with her.

but i refuse to rein them in when they call "bullshit". just because she is their mother, doesn't mean they have to believe her. it doesn't mean they have to accept her crap when it is crap. i support their mom when she is taking appropriate parenting steps, but on this - no way.

night calls and colour printers

so last week son calls me up wanting to know about some stuff related to backing up files on the laptop that stbx-Mrs_C bought. he wanted to know because he wanted to back up his files because he was upgrading his linux distribution on the system.

you see, he partitioned the laptop into a multi-boot machine (against my advice), right after they bought it. he accidentally trashed the whole laptop including all of the electronic pictures they had since the split. there was much unhappiness.

eventually the computer was restored and a new windows partition created.

last week son upgraded his distribution and accidentally wiped out the windows side again... i had counselled him against doing it at that time because i wouldn't be able to walk him through this somewhat tricky procedure. this was when the major shit was going down with my boss having to resign. but son is invulnerable, and super-humanly capable... being 15 and all.

so i told him he would need to find a file recovery utility and see if he could recover the latest photographs. he found a utility and a howto, so we will see how that turns out.

anyway,

last night i'm at home. i'm just about to go to sleep (early for me - 9:45), when i get a call from daughter. she needs a report printed in colour and the printer they have won't work (son hadn't installed the linux drivers for the printer). apparently it didn't print in colour in windows (before the most recent trashing), either. she needs the report for the morning.

after a little back and forth, and given the technical proficiency of an 11 year old, i decide that i will go pick up her USB memory key and print the file out at work.

(don't get me wrong on my estimation of daughter's technical proficiency. she is pretty good to be able to handle herself in a heterogeneous software and operating system environment including basic desktop publishing/layout in a program she's never used before, AND, understanding the methods required to make/save her files compatibly with the software used at her school [after only one conversation on the weekend over the phone to explain to her what she would need to do to get that cross-compatibility])

anyway, i get dressed, head to the house, drive to work, print the shit out, and grab a report cover - in my experience, if you put a decent report cover on a well laid out/well presented report/essay it almost always gets you a 5% gain in mark.

i harp on my kids about the layout and presentation of their work, and have taught them basic design concepts. i always keep a variety of styles of report covers around for the kids schoolwork. i have a swack of report covers somewhere at the house still, but stbx-Mrs_C threw them in a box when packing up stuff after i left and doesn't remember where they are and won't go look for them. i bought a few more covers at the apartment, but son has recently used them up - i haven't had occasion to properly "re-inventory" my personal office supplies.

i grab the USB key, go to work and print out the file - get ribbed by the security guards about my late night arrival - and head back. she is quite happy. she gushes much love me forever, and doubly so when she sees the report cover(s) (i took a few colours to choose from). she runs to get me some gifts of appreciation. a thing she had crocheted, and a pin/button of her in her ethnic dance outfit. i was thrilled and warmed that i had made her so happy.

i was pleased to be able to help her out. son, over the years, caused me infinite grief with his reports and essays.. this was little trouble by comparison with most of the situations he would land us in (late night cruises to friend's houses to cobble together supplies for art and other assignments [like building a gothic cathedral in one night...]).

i am happy that i am building a new relationship with her. the old one is really swept away, but the warmth and love is still there, and with that we are able to begin anew.

shit at work

things have been in complete turmoil at work. you know the business i'm in. my boss left in order to protect a higher up. a very minor issue, but it's a slow news time... and the tempest in a tea cup has cost me a good boss. my friend.

i expect we will remain friends, so that is good. we in the office are working to clear his name while still protecting the rest of the operation.

it's shitty. i'm grieving pretty bad. it's like a death.

every day we engage in the most brutal forms of non-bullet combat. he was the consumate survivor and operator. and now he took the fall for someone else to protect the larger operation.

shitty.

Random Tag

This tag is courtesy of Ballon Pirate. It is seven completely random things about myself. I am to tag seven people, but most of you already read Balloon Pirate, so you're tagged already.

1) I swam through these rapids at high water. They are class 4 rapids at high water.

These rapids are almost a half a mile long at high water. The waves are 3-6 feet. The small dot you see in the right picture is a canoe, and the left picture is taken from a bridge over roughly the middle of the rapids. I have canoed through them probably a hundred times. Only spilled twice.

2) I have flat feet.

3) I have been around the planet a couple of times. All the way around it. Half-way round both ways a bunch more times.

4) I was in a store that was bombed in Johannesburg during the apartheid struggle. I missed the bombing by one day. I had gone there to pick up a purse for my Mom while flying to where they were in Africa doing development work. Mom's purse strap had broken and they couldn't get decent purses where they were. She was pleased with my selection both on the basis of style and of size and number of pockets (Mom's purses were more of a fashionable ladies camera bag than a purse...).

5) I used to wear a pocket protector for awhile in high school, but decided that while it had high utility value in protecting my pocket, it was decidedly nerdy and had to go...

6) I worked in radio as an announcer for awhile while in high school. I did Sunday church broadcasts. My father found substantial ironic humour in the fact that I would darken the doorstep of a church for cash. He could never get me to go otherwise. FYI: it is the Catholic Church and its hierarchy I have a problem with, not God or Jesus.

7) While I am a firm proponent of gun control (even firmer than current Canadian law), I am fully trained and was quite competant with firearms - handguns and long guns (single shot, semi-automatic, and automatic). I am also trained in unarmed and stick combat, though I'd be hard pressed to do any of the above well - having not practiced in a decade. I used to live/room with a guy who trained various city police and national police in those activities.

thinking about Ballon Pirate's comment

Ballon Pirate wrote:

"You may call it PTSD, I call it the side effects of living with an addict."

When i showed my boss my PTSD workbook, he told me that it parallels some of the material that he went through as part of a program for adult children of alchoholics. I was expressing frustration with the fact that stbx-Mrs_C has never been prepared to go to counselling and deal with her issues. He said denial and avoidance are key to those kinds of issues. He says that all variety of alcoholic and other behaviours are maladjusted coping mechanisms. He said "If you accept that the person in question is in pain, that they have a medical condition, then it makes more sense. The alcoholism and their other behaviours are reactions to their pain. The avoidance is like a kid that doesn't want the top of an infected scab torn off, and the alcohol is self-medicating their pain. They are trying to deaden or escape their pain."

He also suggested me that I should look at some al-anon material.

That and Ballon Pirate's various references led me to look at some Al-Anon material. One of the key elements that I have extracted from this material is reinforcement of my belief that i have to take care of myself, and that I will not be able to help my kids unless I help myself first. That, in fact, is what my Mom has been harping on since i darkened their doorstep on the night I left stbx-Mrs_C.

I found a number of the ideas the present for coping with alcoholics to be of interest. The following excerpts are from the online article Paths to Recovery (B-24)

Alcoholism is a family disease. This means “. . . the alcoholism of one member affects the whole family, and all become sick. Why does this happen? Unlike diabetes, alcoholism not only exists inside the body of the alcoholic, but is a disease of relationships as well. Many of the symptoms of alcoholism are in the behavior of the alcoholic. The people who are involved with the alcoholic react to his behavior. They try to control it, make up for it, or hide it. They often blame themselves for it and are hurt by it. Eventually they become emotionally disturbed themselves.” (from Alateen – Hope for Children of Alcoholics, page 6).

"In Al-Anon meetings we hear the three Cs describing our powerlessness over alcoholism: we didn’t cause it, can’t cure it, and can’t control it."

"Hard as it is to look at our own part in our problems, acceptance of Step One brings relief from impossible responsibilities. We were trying to fix a disease – and someone else’s disease at that!

To find peace and serenity in our lives, we have to change – a challenging, and perhaps fearful, thought. We may have to re-learn to take care of ourselves. When we are focused on another person’s alcoholism and behavior, many of us develop the habit of putting that person’s needs first. We may suffer from low selfesteem and not believe that we deserve to take time for ourselves."

a list of questions asked by the publication:

- Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?

- How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?

- What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?

- How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?

- What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?

- How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?

- In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?

- In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?

- Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?

- Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?

- How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?

- How well do I take care of myself?

- Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?

- Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?

the whole complex-PTSD thing

i don't know whether i am/have complex-PTSD/DESNOS. i am going to discuss the issue further with my counsellor. she thinks it is a reasonable path to follow given the fact that i match the clinical checklist pretty closely.

I've been trying to explore the reasons and roots of the anger and the panic attacks and the flashbacks and the triggers for some time now. The workbook I am using lists the following:

1. Alteration in regulation of affect (emotion) and impulses
- chronic affect dysregulation (your emotions have a life of their own)
- difficulty modulating (managing and regulating) anger
- self-destructive or suicidal behaviours
- difficulty modulating sexual involvement
- impulsive or risk-taking behaviours

2. Alterations in attention or consciousness
- amnesia
- transient dissassociative episodes (short periods of zoning out)
- depersonalization

3. Somatization (how your body holds your trauma)
- digestive system problems
- chronic pain
- cardiopulmonary symptoms
- conversion symptoms (psychological problems that get converted into physical symptoms - eg, hits with a hammer on the back of a child become unexplained back spasms for the adult)
- sexual symptoms
- panic

4. Alterations in self-perception (how you see yourself)
- chronic guilt, shame, and self-blame
- feeling that you are permanently damaged
- feeling ineffective
- feeling nobody understands you
- minimizing the importance of the traumatic events in your life

5. Alterations in perception of the perpetrator (this is not needed for a diagnosis of complex PTSD)
- adopting the distorted beliefs of the perpetrator about yourself, others, and what happened as true
- idealizing of the perpetrator
- preoccupation with hurting the perpetrator

6. Alterations in relations with others
- inability to trust
- revictimizing yourself
- victimizing others

7. Alterations in systems of meaning (how you see life, others, and spirituality)
- despair, hopelessness
- loss of beliefs that had previously sustained you

What is Complex PTSD?

If you have complex PTSD, you may have some or all of these personality issues:

1. You may have problems with your ability to regulate emotions, especially anger.
2. You may find it hard to "stay present" without becoming Amnesiac (unable to remember), dissassociative (spaced out), depersonalized, or preoccupied with the trauma
3. You may not see yourself as a functioning individual who can avoid feeling helpless, shameful, guilty, stigmatized, alone, special, or full of self-blame.
4. You may not have the ability to separate yourself from your abuser or perpetrator's introjects as true(Introjects are someone else's beliefs that you take into your head as your own and then believe)
5. You may not have the ability to have positive, healthy relationships with others without being isolated, withdrawing, being extremely distrustful, failing repeatedly to protect yourself, or constantly searching for someone to rescue you (or for someone you can rescue).
6. You may not have the ability to find meaning in your life and maintain faith, hopefulness, and a sense of the future without feeling despair and hopelessness

all of the above taken from The PTSD Workbook: Simple, Effective Techniques for Overcoming Traumatic Stress Symptoms, Mary Beth WIlliams and Soili Poijula, copyright 2002, New Harbinger Publications

the elements of the above that i do not exhibit are easier to list the the ones i do...

- self-destructive or suicidal behaviours
- dificulty modulating sexual involvement
- impulsive or risk-taking behaviours

that's it. even the impulsive or risk-taking behaviours is a bit of an issue

former business partner

ran into my former business partner tonight. we were both teaching night classes at the post-secondary institution we teach part-time at.

(historical note: i got him the teaching job and his current day job after the business collapsed. he'd had his sort of break-down near the end of the business and his wife was still going to school [she's an engineer now] and they seriously needed the money)

we've known each other/run the same circles/been friends since i was 13. he's about 3 years older than me. he was there almost every day through the most of the marriage.

anyway, he was teaching. we said hi on the ay in, but ran into each other in the parking lot. we stood and talked for about an hour about this and that.

the one interesting line. he said:

"I never really said it to you before, because we haven't really talked since you split... but, she never gave you a chance, man. never gave you chance.you couldn't move without her being on you..."

why am i writing this? because i still have to justify my own actions to myself. because every day i wake up and think about things related to the split and the breakdown/break-up i have to tell myself that the decision was the correct one, and that even with the difficulties my children are going through, that a living father asserting himself instead of being trampled is better for them in the lang run, even with the short term problems.

this emotion stuff is harder than you think...

"It's the perfect time of year
Somewhere far away from here
I feel fine enough, I guess
Considering everything's a mess
There's a restaurant down the street
Where hungry people like to eat
I could walk but I'll just drive
It's colder than it looks outside

It's like a dream you try to remember
But it's gone
Then you try to scream
But it only comes out as a yawn
When you try to see the world
Beyond your front door"

- Barenaked Ladies - Pinch Me

----

I was listening to the radio this morning on the way to work. This song was playing as I parked. I like the song and was singing along with the beginning of it (the excerpted section above) when I was suddenly emotionally overwhelmed and began to cry.

Not just a little. Deep and wracking.

i was surpised, but still utterly overwhelmed. i turned my face away from the parking lot (my spot is at the edge by some trees) lest anyone should see me. luckily i come in at 8:30 (flex hours) and most others are there at 8:00 or just before.

i used to suppress my tears. not cry. at all. only a few times since adolescence. and until making the break last summer, certainly only couple or three times with a witness.

i let it flow out of me. i was worried about what would happen if i ran into someone in the hallway on the way to my office - how they would react to my eyes - crying eyes - but i chose not to hold it in.

it is my desire to live. to fully live. if i shut down part of my emotional make-up. the sadness i feel. the tears within. then i will be shutting down my capacity for joy, because the atrophy in one area will spread. i know. i've lived it already. i want everything life has to give me. i want to feel it's beating presence in every moment.

and that means dealing with my tears as well.

i'm not sure why they came. but they did.

----

i picked up some books i ordered the other day. they are clustered around the subject of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

the three books are:

1) Heartwounds: The Impact of Unresolved Trauma and Grief on Relationships
2) The PTSD Workbook: Simple, Effective Techniques for Overcoming Traumatic Stress Symptoms
3) Growing Beyond Survival: A Self-Help Toolkit for Managing Traumatic Stress

the last 2 books are workbooks. i spent some time looking through reviews of various books on PTSD to see which of them had a broader focus than childhood sexual abuse or traumatic event PTSD. i wanted books that discussed complex post traumatic stress disorder.

from the wikipedia "Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), also known as "complex trauma" and "disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified (DESNOS)", is a clinically-recognized condition that results from exposure to prolonged interpersonal trauma such as physical abuse, sexual abuse, domestic violence, torture, and war. According to van der Kolk and Courtois (2005), C-PTSD better describes the pervasive negative impact of chronic trauma than does the diagnosis posttraumatic stress disorder. PTSD fails to capture C-PTSD sufferers' loss of a sense of safety, trust, and self-worth, their tendency to be revictimized, and their loss of a coherent sense of self. C-PTSD is under consideration for inclusion in the next revision of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-V) as a formal, coded diagnosis. C-PTSD is characterized by chronic difficulties in many areas of emotional and interpersonal functioning."

i suspect that you will end up reading most of my efforts to go through these workbooks.

i was inspired to look for workbooks like this by some of the childhood sexual abuse workbooks i bought for stbx-Mrs_C all those years ago. i especially had respect for the workbook "The Courage To Heal", and thought that something like that might be a useful set of exercises for me.

i have no desire to return to my old ways of living and of relating to the world around me. as i am flying pretty blind on this i figured that i'd best deal with the anger and the rage - and the hurt and the emotion.

i so very much want to live.

the desire is just bursting out of me, but i don't want the emotional release to come out in an undirected manner - like this morning. that would be a good ticket to things like alcoholism (not that i'm much of a drinker), and serial rocky relationships.

i don't want that.

(not that i would particularly mind sleeping with half the known universe, but i've done that scene before and it just left me feeling empty)

i want to love and be loved. i want to feel joy.

this would seem to be a step.

dear diary

daughter came over for supper last night. i was really happy about that. except she ate some fish after school that made her stomach hurt. so she couldn't eat the food i made.

since food is love, i felt bad...

i had gone shopping the day before to make sure i bought things she would like that i could actually make. i started prep on monday night.

i made 2 fresh salads, jicama, and spicy stuffed red peppers.

she ate some jicama and drank some fresh lemonade (real thing) i had made for her, but otherwise was in tears from the pain.

the fish was some storebought no-name fish sticks, so i have no idea of what it did to her. there was no diareaha or anything, so it wasn't food poisoning.

so, i don't know. she sat with me all evening on the couch and we talked a cuddled, so i don't think it was a faked negative response to my food (even though i'm paranoid).

she says she'll come back over for supper on thursday, so i'll see.

----

my massage therapist is back.. she worked on me. it helped for awhile and i felt muscle clunk into new positions and it helped for a little while, but now my shoulder hurts again.

it's pissing me off - that's two weeks now that its been out of sorts

----

that client that i did that writing for was actually mocked in a public forum for her discussion of a sexual harassment incident that happened to her when she was in her 20s. the person mocking her was another woman. the mocker was mocking the fact that my friend (who is usually hard as nails) broke down and started crying when the incident came to light.

i'm completely pissed

it's time to go nuclear

i'm thinking through which women's advocacy groups i'm going to feed this information to and let them take a bite out of the mocker

----

went for my first lunch hour walk in the park. ice is almost gone from the lake. get my vitamin d naturally in addition to my pills.

house appraisers

got the appointment to get the house appraised. the dude will be going over next week. that means i should have it by early next week.

that means we can start haggling over price - hopefully a settlement won't be far behind.

i went to see my credit union. they won't do a mortgage until my credit card debt is reduced. that means no bridge financing or anything until the settlement comes through. no house until then.

as soon as the cards are cleared they will happily spring for more than i actually want to borrow or pay...

i'm intending to go with an actual lending institution because i want to bundle of services including a home equity line (to bridge some of the energy efficiency upgrades i want to make [we have a rebate program here]), and some other "wealth management" services that will be cheaper when bundled.

because the market here is as hot as it is, realtors won't even touch me until i'm pre-approved that pisses me off because i want to do some house viewing before hand. most houses (worth buying) in the last 3 months have gone in less than two days. in the area i want to buy most of the houses are going in the first few hours.

Smitten's realtor is a friend of hers, so i'm going to see if she'll show me around.

further to diary

had two big social engagments this week.

i went to a major banquet with politcal types. tickets were $200 a crack. the speaker of the assembly here gave me some tickets because he knew i was broke and he and others wanted me there.

they only gave me the tickets two days before the event. the banquet was on the evening of the day that son's surgery (outpatient) on his toes for ingrown toenails was occuring. the doctor got busy and forgot that we were around. the surgey didn't end up finishing until just as the banquet (cocktails) were supposed to start (5:30pm).

Smitten was supposed to go with me. because it would have been a massive rush (i got there at about 6:22 - right before the sitting), we decided that it would work better if she didn't attend. she needed to leave by about 7:30pm for a really important planning practice session with her belly dancing tribe (group).

i was sad she couldn't go.

i was happy she has a life and had something important like her dance to attend to.

(stbx-Mrs_C jammed out several years right at the door to our house as we were leaving. she would spaz and have a fit [social situation anxiety] as we were literally walking out the door and i would end up going alone)

hey - did i mention i looked hot? i was doing the evil super-villain thing again.

a woman i know who was unaware of my relationship with Smitten tried to pick me up. that was cool.

----

went to my friend's 50th on the weekend. he had it a local private club. it was a big bash. he has a lot of friends. there was a $10 donation at the door to cover costs of the event.

i asked Smitten to go. even though we had the kids, son was at the house playing dungeons and dragons while babysitting his sister (stbx-Mrs_C had a big date [oh, sorry - she's not dating yet... :-P] with "Bob" the hang around guy) and Smitten's son watched her daughter.

Smitten knew no-one there (not quite true - she did know a couple of people from my work that we had gone to the other bash with - but they arrived later).

she went in cold. she said she'd never been to a big birthday like this where she knew no-one. she cut short her own visiting with friends outside of town to come back in to attend.

right after we arrived another couple came in - the birthday guy introduced us. we had just finished looking at the picture display - they began. we seated ourselves near some folks i knew.

the other couple finished and began looking for a place to sit. they seemed quite lost and unsure. so i stood up and called them over. didn't know them - but they seemed badly lost in the crowd. they were relieved to have a place to sit.

we ended up talking with them most of the evening (until they left). the fellow owns the boutique coffee house downstairs from where the birthday guy works. they were fun to talk to. discovered he had previously worked as a master roaster at another coffee house some other people i kneow own.

it was a fun enough evening.

had a discussion with Smitten after we left that has had some forward repercussions - nothing bad - just stuff to work through. that will be the subject of another post.

----

more later

and some more

no real excitement in the universe. i'm blogging this as much to diarize it as anything.

----

got an email from stbx-Mrs_C on Wednesday saying i could send a house appraiser over on friday. i thought that timeline was a little short. appraisers are hard to get at this time of year, and our housing market is very robust right now. i'm still trying to get one to call me back.

----

the kids are constantly complaining to me about the poor quality of the food they are getting over at stbx-Mrs_C's place. they advise me that all she cooks is fish sticks and fries or pizza. sometimes they eat out.

the kids have taken to making their own meals.

i bought them some ultra-simple cookbooks. i hope it helps.

they have said they can't get their mom to buy the stuff they want to eat or make. i may buy them some of the ingredients so they can have a level of success. perhaps if they make stuff she will eat, she might be prepared to buy the ingedients they want. i'll have to teach them how to make a basic menu/meal plan and parallel shopping list.

----

finished watching battlestar gallactica seasons 1 and 2 with Smitten. started last October. i wanted her to see it, and she is into science fiction enough to be good with it. she mostly reads science fiction and fantasy books, rather than movies or TV. Movies and TV ended up being a staple of activity for stbx-Mrs_C and I - when you aren't talking at least you can be distracted... I have had no interest in repeating that pattern with Smitten.

I never watched much TV when i was younger. I missed pretty much the entire 1980s of TV because I didn't watch TV and didn't own a TV when I lived on my own. stbx-Mrs_C and I didn't have a TV for our first 18 months of marriage (or so) - not until after son was born and she needed something to do while she was up at night feeding the boy (breast fed - wasn't much I could do - if you're wondering why i wasn't up with her/him. i did get up to change him and fetch him, and did stay home with him [yes - that is a pre-emptive defensive explanation of involvement])

the TV is only on when the kids are at the apartment (technically not true because my service includes music channels and i use my DVD player/home theatre set-up ($140 - not some monster deal) as my stereo and instead of music (i hate commercial radio).

----

son says stbx-Mrs_C has begun telling people that I intended to divorce her from the moment i married her so that i could get money. 18 years of relationship later, i find that i resent that statement. son ripped her a new asshole when she said that to him. i did not admonish him for that action. i neither want to chide him for it, nor do i want to get in between his mother and him on an issue that is not a parenting issue.

----

daughter is asking when i will get my new house because she wants to get out of being at her mom's full time. stbx-Mrs_C's male friend is apparently at the house every day. stbx-Mrs_C says they are not dating - the kids say she is - daughter says stbx-Mrs_C only says she isn't dating to son, because she doesn't want to give son the satisfaction of being able to say "see, you're dating to" - daughter says stbx-Mrs_C has told daughter that they are dating.

daughter is also sick of sleeping with her mom in the same bed since about the new year. stbx-Mrs_C's tossing and turning and whacking with arms and bed hogging and blah blah (usual disturbed sleep) is also grating on daughter.

daughter really wants her own space.

----

went out on sunday for the day with daughter. went for breakfast and spent the rest of the day together. bopped around to exchange some jeans i'd bought and to look at pet stores to give the girl an outing. her dog is such a focus in her life that i want to do stuff with her. last year when i first moved out she asked if she could have a gecko. it's getting closer to house time, so we looked at gecko stuff too. that'll be a $300 touch at the end of the day.

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more later

[later edit to see if i can actually get the blog rolls to read this as updated...]

weekend away

I was able to get a little time with a chiropractor who has cracked me a couple of times. My pain still hasn't gone away, but it is a little less. It is quite a sharp pain - and different from other pain i have felt, so it is not as easy to put away. Or maybe I'm just not used to living in pain anymore.

I know that at least my skin is more sensistive now than it used to be, so maybe i just feel this pain more sharply. I hope that a combination of treatment and exercise makes it go away soon. This is now a week of substantive discomfort.

My massage therapist and her magic hands are due back any day now...

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Went away for the weekend. We were going to leave at noon on friday, but the work blow-out had continuing repercussions that had to dealt with. More words, more lines, more strategy - more hand-holding. I'm ok with the hand-holding. The lady I was writing for is my friend, and she needed my strength. She needed to know that someone understood her and her feelings. Her husband stood with her, and tried his best to protect her, but he doesn't have the words.

We left mid-afternoon. Smitten's daughter had some stuff that had to be done before we left, so the late departure worked out well.

It was a good drive. I shared my writing on the work stuff with her.

We talked about that and many things.

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I had booked us into a grand old railway hotel in another city. I had gone up from the cheapest rooms available, because I didn't feel like spending time in a cheap room. It only cost $20 more a night, and it was completely worth it. The room was comfortable and well appointed with period charm - instead of being generically hotelish. The weekend away was a bit of a financial stretch for both of us, but we had not been away in a long time (since November...). I have cheques arriving soon, so I will only be tight for a week or so.

It's funny that since November is a long time since getting away. In my entire 18 years with stbx-Mrs_C we got away (just the two of us) a grand total of twice. I have now exceeded that total.

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It is actually inaccurate to say that stbx-Mrs_C and I only got away twice in all that time. In addition to the two I reference above, when I was dating stbx-Mrs_C she suggested we have a getaway weekend to visit her sister and brother-in-law in the small town they lived in at the time. We arrived at their place and before I even got my bag put away he was demanding that I get on the roof of their house to re-roof and re-shingle it. I had met them once before. I had no warning that I would be doing roofing. It was sprung on me the moment I arrived. I was nice to my then girlfriend and her family. I spent Friday evening, Saturday, and most of Sunday re-roofing their house. Late Saturday I went in the house to get a drink at one point and cool off (blazing August heat [it gets near 100 F here in the summer sometimes in that area] from a roof all day with no shade). I had been sitting for about 10 minutes when brother-in-law came storming in literally yelling that he wasn't going to do the job himself and couldn't anybody else do some goddamned work around here. So I put down my glass and went back up. That weekend we removed all the old shingles, re-tarpapered and reshingled the roof on the house, built trusses, put them up, and did the rest roofing on a new 12x15 porch he'd added.

stbx-Mrs_C, her sister, and her mother (who was with us on the trip) went to town shopping while we worked. it doesn't get dark until getting on 9 pm so we worked until dark and then clean-up. we ate on the roof and came off only to go to the bathroom.

You will have to forgive me if I don't consider it a getaway weekend to add to the above mentioned 2.

for the record sister-in-law apologised for the imposition, as did stbx-Mrs_C, but neither of them intervened. looking back on it i should have just refused to continue working, so in that sense it's my own fault. i should have stood up for myself.

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The weekend was much colder than we expected. It was blustery and butterly cold and shitty. We had intended to do a lot of walking on the riverbank and through a trendy area of town and such.

It didn't work out that way.

On friday we went to go to a funky chinese place I knew and it was closed due to an illness of one of the family members... so we went down the block to a place that looked interesting that we had just walked past. It was cool - tapas and trendy. We spent more than intended, but what the hell. It was fun. We had a bunch of different kinds of martinis and drinks (mixing alcohol - always a good thing ;-) along with the weird haute cuisine...

I had forgotten my swim trunks so we didn't go swimming or hottubbing that night (no downtown stores were open good friday evening and we weren't about to drive to a WalMart). Saturday was a slow starting day of lounging and laziness. We went out to get me some new swimwear. As usual I was looking for the cheapest shit I could find. But it all sucked from a fashion and looks standpoint. I made the mental break from budgetwear and decided to spring for some decent looking swim trunks instead of the baggy shit that makes me look about 50 lbs heaveir than i am. For your edification I have included a picture of some Tyr swim trunks that are very similar to what i bought. I look really good in them.

We tried to pick up some other things for Smitten's daughter, but that didn't go well. The mall was really packed and the line-up at the Junior la Senza store was really long. Smitten isn't very patient with lines and such.

The whole mob in the mall thing was not a good scene. Being cold and shitty, everyone was indoors instead of out. We left without getting the stuff.

We did stop in at a couple of really nice boutiques with various objets d'art. They were fun.

We went to pick up some alcohol to enjoy in the room that night. We weren't going to spend bar/lounge prices on our budget. We were also unsure as to whether we wanted to hit any of the live acts that were playing that night.

The day had really lost it's original direction and the weather was really bitterly shitty.

Smitten couldn't decide what she wanted to buy for alcohol.

Without a blow by blow - this whole situation set off some really serious triggers in me. I was in complete panic mode by this time and not having any fun. When the day got off track like this, and the weather was bad, and the shopping was bad, and the budget was tight, and I was with stbx-Mrs_C - and she became indecisive on stuff... I would be in trouble. I would inevitably be the responsible party for everything being wrong and would suffer for it.

I recognised what was going on in my head and took a few steps inside the liquor store to calm myself down. When we finished our choices and went out to the vehicle I explained my fear to Smitten. I talked about feeling that the day had gone off the rails and the triggers to my anxiety.

She listened and came back with such a completely different response. She said that she just sometimes had indecisive moments and felt badly that I had to hang around while she was being indecisive.

It was weird for me.

No mega conversation. No attack. No escalation.

Just a short discussion and a reassurance that she still wanted to be with me. She then asked about where we should go for supper.

And that was it.

No drama. No spaz. No nothing.

It was mindblowing.

I suggested another restaurant I knew. We went there. It is run by some "just off the boat" Vietnamese people, so it was quite authentic food. We had a wonderful time over dinner, excellent food. Formica tables and basic chairs, but incredibly clean (possibly the cleanest bathrooms in a non five star place I've ever seen).

We went back to the hotel and soaked in the hottub for awhile. After which we went back to the room and enjoyed some brandy while lounging and cuddling and such.

Sunday brunch was excellent and the drive home went well also.

It was a very relaxing time. Easy flow, easy conversation.

A well spent weekend.

work stuff

Had a hell day at work on Thursday. Big issue blew up right in the middle of the afternoon. Dealing with press, dealing with client base, dealing with all the shit that goes with it.

My shoulder got thrown out on wednesday - slept wrong. Still hurts. Hurt a lot worse on Thursday. Was going to get work done on it, but had to be there to take care of things at the office. My boss has had a bit of a ragged edge lately and I didn't want to leave him to deal with it all while he was feeling frayed.

I also needed to hold the hand of one of the clients (you know the business I am in - remember Evil Cadbury and what he does). There were special words to be written and lines to be developed and spin to be deployed. I am Cadbury the unflappable and everyone else was flapping. If that sounds egocentric - it probably is - but it's true.

This was an ugly issue - one that required the fine line between emotional honesty and spin. It had to be played off legit, but still used to advantage within the context of "the business". It had to be legitimate because anything else would have smelled instantly of "put on for the cameras". It had to be legit because it would be morally wrong to use an issue like this purely as "a play". It had to be real because it was/is. And it had to be set up and used for advantage - the forces of darkness are beating us with a stick right now because the law and best solution in a bad situation and what seems right in a 30 second clip on the news right aren't always the same thing. Especially when the people who put together the original play (that we are being beat up for) were male lawyers (searching for a least cost solution) - and not people with a whole lot of sensitivity.

It's funny, but all my writing on this blog, and all my research into issues surrounding abuse and sexual harrassment were what allowed me to craft perfect words for one of our women clients. A number of the women that heard her speak my words cried at the emotional honesty contained within them. Women who are otherwise awfully tough, and awfully thick skinned.

On a personal level I take that as validation of my emotions surrounding my experience. Just like an artist needs to know they have connected with the people experiencing their art, I need to know that my words touch something real inside people. This did. I am grateful that I was able to help this woman put words to her own feelings and her experience.

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Because of the above I don't feel nearly as guilty anymore about all the time I have spent on this blog at work.

in my shoes

why am i all of a sudden size 10 1/2?

i was a size 11-11 1/2 until about age 30 when my foot became about a 12

was 11 1/2 - 12 until last year when i was an 11.

now i'm down to a 10 1/2 - on the measuring plate - not just the shoes.

weird

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my parents are back from the states. it was good to see them. had supper over at their place last night. went over with son to help unload their vehicle and traipse stuff around the house - mom has problems with stairs and dad is 80.

i'm looking at making an Easter meal at their place - being as the family wouldn't all fit in my apartment, and mom couldn't go up the 4 flights of stairs. i have proposed doing the cooking, set-up and tear-down for the meal. all mom would have to do is throw a ham in the oven earlier in the day. dad... well he's dad and will do whatever it is he's done for all these years when it's time to get ready for a big shindig

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looking at going out of town with Smitten this weekend. have reservations at a hotel - one of those grand old railway hotels that sort of looks like a castle

i am looking forward to getting away and doing something that does not resemble the regular week-in/week-out routine.

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dance classes are done for the season. we had picked another couple that was in the class to see if we could practice together. they were interested as well and we have agreed to get together when time permits (they have small kids).

a bit of positive happenstance - they are friends with two of the volunteer instructors from the dance society - who will be attending when we get together. so we seem to have picked right - personal tutoring - for free

and they all seem to be really pleasant people. it would be nice to develop these as friendships

weekend round-up

went with son on saturday to buy him some new clothes and some new shoes. spent Cdn $81.00 (USD$70) on shoes for son. NO - not addidas or some such shit. Rockports... the boy wanted Rockports (casual shoe). Said he liked the style, colour, and the way they felt. Normally i only spent up to about $60 on shoes because he'll outgrow them, but shoes are the only thing he's pain in the ass about. He wants what he wants, and digs in on anything else. Not on price (he's go with a lower prced shoe), not on brand (he doesn't give a shit) - just what he wants. So a $20 or $30 premium to avoid the hassle - and give him a good pair of shoes - that he wears every day. I'm ok with it.

bought him some new clothes (man, he's huge! not fat - but big and broad shouldered). bought me some new clothes too - big sale at one of the department stores - scratch and save sale.

Smitten was working an informational booth for her organization on Saturday night and wanted company - so i went with her. Son decided to hang with Smitten's son (12) (who has a Wii) and eat pizza.

came back and son was lying around reading his book, Smitten's son was doing his own thing - they were just hanging out. Smitten and I wanted to visit, and son wanted to sit with us. He just wanted to hang out and yak a bit and be around us. he seemed to be just so happy to just be.

it made me think of a comment he had made earlier in the day while we were shopping. he said "You know, I kind of mad that my Mom is nuts." I glanced over at him with an admonishing raised eyebrow - he said "No - I'm serious. I really serious. It bugs me. My other friends, I go to their place, and their Mom's are pretty normal - as Mom's will ever be - but Mom - she's just all bent out of shape and always going off in some weird way - and it's kind of frustrating - I feel kind of gypped - I just want a normal life and a normal Mom."

i feel badly for the boy.

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daughter was saying on friday night that if her mother tries to go for full custody she'll fight it as hard as she can.

that was switch.

i think "Mom exposure therapy" is working.

daughter is getting really unhappy with her mom stalling on the room re-doing and is getting seriously irritated with having to sleep in her mom's room (same bed). she says that it was ok at first but her mom always wants to hug her and cuddle up with her and daughter says it's starting to "get creepy" and "greeble her out" because it's like her "mom wants a cuddle replacement" for me.

daughter says "it's not like I married her"

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daughter said that her grandmother was "nuts too"

this was the same night and flowing from the same cluster of conversation surrounding uncle molester.

i didn't ask for clarification on the nuts grandma statement. from son i know that grandma has been pushing stbx-Mrs_C and telling her what to do a lot recently. daughter is around for a lot more than son.

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daughter is mad that auntie and grandma are saying she's getting fat. daughter thinks they're unhealthy. daughter is not fat - and i say that in an objective and not "fatherly" way. the girl isn't fat. she's really solid (muscular) and well built - to my eye she is perfectly proportioned.

daughter and son think their mother is unhealthy - stbx-Mrs_C has given up a huge amount of eating - she just skips eating most of the time - and her cigarette consumption is up.

stbx-Mrs_C is really a bit of a bag of bones at this point. she is the lightest she has ever been in her adult life (since age 17). she is now only about 125 lbs. too light for her size.

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daughter didn't want to go home, but couldn't bring herself to go back on the not staying at the apartment thing.

while we were at supper i told daughter my parents would be home soon and that if daughter wanted some "refuge" she could go/stay/sleep over there. that i understood that it would be hard for her to come back to the apartment given the context. that if she didn't like it over there i was ok with that. that i knew that she might want to stand on principal in not staying over at my place, and that she might feel some pressure or retaliation from her mom (and aunt and grandma) if she were to stay at my place. but that my parents' place might be some shelter.

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stbx-Mrs_C phoned on Sunday to apologise for her blow-out on friday. she talked about wanting good relations, and that her outburst was from having seen the lawyer. she said that she had built herself up with false hope when the lawyer talked about sometimes, out of the blue, people decide to reconcile.

i laid out a bunch of my recent thinking. i told her i wanted her in counselling and that i thought she needed it - and that i had thought she needed it since we were dating (18.5 years ago). i laid out some of the things i thought she needed to address with a counsellor, and the carry-overs from her childhood that i thought were still fucking her up.

she rebutted fairly intensely. i stuck to my guns. i cited some of her statements about how her mom beating her and her uncle molesting her had affected her and that while i agreed that her mom had done the best she could in many ways, her mom had failed her in a lot more ways, that all of it still left scars that were unhealed.

i was extremely even-toned throughout - but it still ended on a bit of a bad note.

stbx-Mrs_c called back shortly after. i let it ring through to me voice mail. i listened to her message and she was actually phoning to apologise and said that it was hard to hear that she was erratic and needed help.

she then called me again and repeated much of the same thing directly to me.

it's the first time she's ever admitted she might need outside professional help.

it's a positive sign.

i worry though (as correctly pointed out by Sicilian) that it is part of a maneuver to maintain contact and more "discussion". to just keep hanging on as she feels things slipping away even further. that if this is the only point of connection, that she will do whatever it takes to keep some contact and emotionally based connection.

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all will be as all will be.

i just need to make sure i don't get sucked back into the swirl.

the [uncle molester] situation

[originally part of a comment answer to Terry and Sicilian on the last post]

no - daughter did not go to [uncle molestor's] house

grandma has allowed daughter to go over a couple of times over recent years when [auntie pacific-rim mail-order second wife] was there and [little sort-of cousin (first cousin once removed)] and uncle molestor was at work or not there

daughter is not allowed to be alone with uncle molestor ever - or at least that's my order - and stbx-Mrs_C has said that she told her mother that daughter was not to go over

and i think daughter will abide by such and is/will be wary of being sucked in to an alone situation

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uncle molestor is grandma's much youngest brother - some 10 years older than stbx-Mrs_C and some 12 (or so) years younger than grandma

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i have tried to enforce the full ban over the years but have had limited success with my banjo-picking, or rather, balalaika picking in-laws

to enforce the ban would require that they put the elephant on the table and admit the reason for the ban

and they don't want to air the dirty linen, now do they?

the last time i forced the dirty linen out - grandma disappeared for several days and there was more shit and kaboodle than you can imagine - and i was asked to back off by the sisters (including stbx-Mrs_C)

now i have less compunction, but i am saving it in my arsenal to defend my position with regard to custody

i am making a condition of our separation and divorce agreement that daughter never be at uncle molestor's house, and that daughter never be left alone at grandma's house (across the street from uncle molestor)

stbx-Mrs_C will either sign off on those conditions or i will take her and her family into court

that's also my leverage if things get nasty

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sorry if that seems to be calculating, but this is a difficult situation to play out and i need to keep my nukes undeployed

daughter is as safe as she needs to be. no current purpose would be served by the confrontation on this subject. i can take care of that bit of mess in due time.

even if everything is settled as it needs to be without true ugliness, i'm not letting the uncle molestor situation go this time.

i am considering applying to the courst for court ordered counselling for stbx-Mrs_C with her childhood abuse and sexual abuse as the major component of the request

having her sign the agreement to not have daughter at uncle molestor's is one of the pieces to that goal

i still want stbx-Mrs_C to be healed and whole - she needs the help. she is hopelessly fucked up. i'm contemplating arranging my finances to pay for part of the sessions - it would only cost me about $400-$600 per year. stbx-Mrs_C will be pretty strapped for cash and her insurance will only pay about $600 per year - if she is in counselling every 3 weeks or so (at $90 or so per session) that would split out 3 ways relatively easily.

i imagine some of you will ask me why i should give a shit anymore, or if she deserves my thought or emotion. or my money.

i still want her to be healed - that's my biggest reason. i want her shit worked out for the sake of my kids. that's my answer when i catch shit from either my parents or from Smitten. and don't bag on about Smitten - she doesn't know this thought of mine yet, and may think it's the best idea since sliced bread - i am just anticpating - and don't say i should keep that factoid from her either. i try to avoid secrets, and it's kind of a significant event for me to pay for part of my ex's therapy - not one to say "oh, it wasn't important." or "i didn't think it was your business"

if i do it, she can either suck it up or not - same as anyone else. i have a personal agenda in my life and it still includes the notion of a healed and whole stbx-Mrs_C. I just won't be the one trying to heal her on a day-to-day basis. and i won't be having her in my life as anything more than the pick-up and drop-off on the other side of parenting.

stbx-Mrs_C says she wanted me to take some lead in our relationship/marriage? she'd better be careful what she wishes for, because my ideas may be different than hers.

yelling at me in the garage

i went to pick up the kids for supper. daughter wants to show me her new Barbie - she had tried to heat press her other one's hair with a hair straighter... (hey - she's 11)

while i was standing in the doorway stbx-Mrs_C asks me "How is your relationship with your girlfriend going?" I tell her that i do not think that is a subject for discussion between stbx-Mrs_C and I.

Then she tells me that she went to see her lawyer for about 2 hours. she tells me about the timeline she will be following in the next week or so. than she tells me that her lawyer is sending a note to mine asking if there is any chance of reconciliation. i tell her that they are professionally required to recommend and provide proof of attempts at reconciliation.

the kids are heading out the door to the vehicle. as i'm leaving she calls me back "come back here! i want to say something to you!" she snarls. i stop and go back in. "you kids get the hell out and close that door!" she barks. I'm seeing where this is probably going, but i can leave at any time.

"you're a fucking asshole!" she shouts loudly. "You're just a fucking asshole! you are a completely selfish bastard!"

it goes on like this for a minute or so. i let it go on. i intend to stay until she gets it out. i understand that anger and that rage. i want her to get it out - and i'm the best possible person for her to get it out on. she needs to release it. i can endure this without much difficulty.

she has so much hurt from her whole life.

i still want her to be healed and to be whole. i always have.

she stops to see my reaction

i say "are you done?"

she starts to cry "i would have done anything you wanted. i could have changed. i would have made the changes you wanted. i would have let you have control. i would have let you lead this marriage. i wanted you to take leadership, but when you didn't i took it."

i stare

she says "i've been dating a few other men, and i've realised that all those years i never had a husband. i always had to be the tower of strength. i had to do everything."

i say "you have never recognised any of the things i did do in our marriage. you have consistently dismissed my efforts. any time i tried to even voice an opinion you stamped it out. you wouldn't even let me pick groceries when you were around - i'd have to make a second trip to go back and get all the stuff you would refuse to get that we still needed. you say you wanted me to take some control? that may be so - like many things - you wanted it - but you would never allow it. you would always viciously seize back control and stamp out any thing that didn't originate with you. and you should have thought about the effects of your actions and your words every time you decided to go savage on me just to release some steam."

she starts to cry again "hold me" she says and holds out her arms to embrace me.

i say "no" and push her away.

"why not?"

"remember what happened last time you tried this? how'd that work out?"

she pushes forward and grabs me and hugs me. i am awkwardly pinned for a few moments. i kind of pat her back for a moment - i don't want to hurt her at a vulnerable moment.

she pushes her groin against mine and rubs a bit that way.

i push her off an say "i've got to go"

the kids are outside the garage goofing off and looking in through the window space on the garage - son is lifting daughter up high enough to see.

she starts raising her voice again "this is like suicide, you're quitting. you're a quitter! we could have made it work - but no it's all about you!"

i say "i tried it for a very long time. i tried everything from flowers to counselling."

she follows me out onto the driveway where my vehicle is parked and the kids are waiting.

"you didn't go to counselling - you just went to argue with the counsellor.! you didn't even try! it's all about you! you're breaking up a family here! it affects more than just you! no-one is happy! no one is happier!"

i get in the vehicle with the kids and drive away.

----

the kids are talking about anything but what just happened. i let them have a few minutes. i say "i'm sorry that you had to witness that. i had no idea that would happen. "

son says "i knew it from the minute we went in the door to get [daughter]"

daughter says "that's to be expected"

son says "i don't want to talk about it anymore. i'm tired of it."

daughter says "she nuts just like grandma."

son "that's one really unstable crew"

i say "there's a lot of pain and a lot of hurt that goes back a lot of years. there's a lot of healing that has to happen. the effects of the abuse - both beatings and the sexual abuse have never been properly dealt with"

daughter "yeah - and uncle [molestor] is getting even creepier. one time he invited me to come over to his house and [girl cousin from second marriage] wasn't even there" (i was horrified, but wasn't going to leap at that moment beause there were other issues to deal with)

son "i still want to beat the shit out of him for fucking up my life"

laughter from both kids

silence

"where do you want to go for supper?" i ask