the mildest thing

my last post is probably the mildest thing that happened yesterday...

this afternoon i will be going to the police station to file a complaint of assault and battery against the stbx.

it's very sad, but utterly necessary - she does not have any idea of the consequences of her actions

she only wants what she wants when she wants it - with no consideration of the effects on others

she has to be stopped and stopped hard

perhaps the outside intervention of the police and social services will alter this currently unwinnable situation (and by winnable, i mean that my children are safe and not under extreme stress)

she has been telling my daughter that the only thing that keeps her from suicide is my daughter's presence. she's threatened suicide. she's threatened abandonment to pressure daughter into agreeing to move with her to another province. daughter agreed.

daughter and her got into a physical altercation yesterday

there is much more

on monday i will be asking my lawyer's office to file papers to grant me temporary sole custody until there have been interviews and psychiatric assessments all 'round.

...my daughter just woke up - more later

among the more disturbing recent statements

cadbury (text message to daughter's cell phone [yes, i just bought them both cell phones and am paying for their bills]): "when should i come get you? 5?"

daughter texts back: "Um well i'm battling mom so i might be awhile... LOL also i promised i'd eat something here"

son ([in same room as me at apartment] after i read daughter's reply): "yeah, she's probably playing the suicide card again. that's where it sounded she was going to me when i talked to her. i'm going to take a shower."

it was the blase nature of his comment that was the most disturbing... that the stbx's suicide threats would now be normalised and just annoying. the disfunction continues...

----

son had earlier gotten off a call with her (30 minutes previously) where she had ranted and raved in a most deranged manner (i didn't ask him for any details).

he is attending school every day

his colour is better - even the teachers and principal at the school commented on how much better he looked and how much healthier and rested he seemed (meetings i was attending in order to resurrect son's school standing

he has seen his mom a few times in the last couple of weeks (2 1/2 weeks) since moving out. he still has some clothes there that we haven't pulled out

i overheard him say on his call with her: "I want to retain a relationship with you, and i want it to be a good one - i just can't live with you."

he has cut back on the amount of pot he's smoking - he's slipped up on a couple of the days, but has made an honest effort. i've asked him not to smoke it on sunday, monday, wednesday, or friday up until we finish exercising (m/w/f are exercise days)

----

BTW - things are better now

my health, my arm, my spirits

dad is ok - and being an asshat (not doing his exercise and such...)

son is good - he's made the break

things are changing for the better

dad is good (so far), son moved out of stbx's house

dad is fine

surgery went well. six bypasses, no aortic replacement.

as of this time he has the ventilating tube removed, and was conscious. the old bastard must be pretty tough. he was conscious and aware. he knew who he was, where he was, and what had happened.

that is apparently not what usually happens in the first few hours after bypass surgery. we are told there is usually substantial disorientation

all his limbs are functional so there appears to be no stroke.

my brother saw him and talked to him at about 10:30 pm our time - he had just come out of sedation and had the ventilator tube removed

i am happy that things are far better than i had prepared myself to deal with.

----

son moved out of his mothers last night

he is here full time now

for now - but i expect permanently

more on this tomorrow

dad's surgery is on wednesday/withdrew from classes

as above

the prognosis is much better than i expected/was concerned

thank-you to Sicilian for the information you provided about bypass/replacement surgery

i am still VERY concerned about the possibility of stroke after the fact, as is my sister. my mother and father do not have the same level of concern, saying that the doctor has not mentioned it. i pressed my dad to ask the question specifically, but he hasn't so far.

i call avoidance...

----

i have put together a plan(s) and sold it to my sister (eldest child/overachiever of the family) to address the potential outcomes:

1) he's fine (normal recovery)
2) he dies
3) he clearly requires institutionalisation
4) he suffers a level of incapacitation that leaves it unclear if he should be in an institution... leaving my mother to care for him - which she can't. she cannot

in regard to instance 4: at my suggestion my sister made initial contact with the priest who is Vicar General of the Diocese and the Archbishop in the event that outside intervention is required to get my dad to agree to going to an institution. he can be a selfish, egotistical, self-centred son-of-a-bitch at times.

very kind many days, but he generally comes first in his world and he really doesn't care whom he inconveniences or puts out.

(i remember one time i was in a briefing with the Premier of the province - he called my cell phone. i skipped the call. he called 3 more times and i finally said i needed to take the call. i told my father "Dad - I'm in a briefing with the Premier." his response: "Oh... Well, I'll only take a minute."

I hung up on him and turned off my cell phone (i generally leave it on at all times so the kids can reach me).

----

my mom is in pretty rough shape - this si taking a terrible toll on her

she has post polio syndrome

what is post polio? i believe it is fibromyalgia - as do a number of experts in the field. either way it mirrors the fatigue and fog of FM. and the pain and the stress responses.

----

as noted in the post title, i dropped my classes

more later

P.S.

thank-you to all of you for your thoughts, wishes and prayers

i mean that in the most heartfelt way

thank-you

surgery

dad's going in for open heart surgery on the 17th

quadruple or quintuple bypass

some kind of heart repair something

and likely some kind of aortic replacement (planned but not certain)...

for a dude who's been having TIAs and has massive arterial plaque issues...

the 17th is the last possible date i can pull out of my classes with just a withdrawal and no failure recorded

it is the day i expect my father to die or be permanently disabled from a stroke

hopefully that will not come to pass and the old fart will pull it through

my mother has complained that he seems to think that by sheer force of personality he can overcome his physical condition

i hope he is enough an asshole to prove her right

all in a day

one of my professors just sent me an email recommending i withdraw from his class and take it again next semester
(context: fibromyalgia and family issues)

my dad's angiogram is complete. they are keeping him in hospital to do bypass surgery (how many bypasses, i don't know). for some reason there is a gasterointerologist involved... so maybe there is more than just the heart issues - we just don't know yet

i guess that solves the health insurance while in the U.S. issue - 'cause they're not going anywhere

where's cadbury?

how much in the way of chunks do i blow as a human being?

plenty

how much chunks is life blowing in general?

plenty

as i said to my counsellor on thursday "i'd rather be dead right now, but there just wouldn't be any point in it because it wouldn't solve any of my problems..."

don't worry, i'm in no way a danger of doing harm to myself

if nothing else, i know that even were i curled into a little sobbing ball, i'm of better value to my children than their mother

and i haven't been in that curled, sobbing ball publicly yet...

the pain is what has really taken me down. everything else is so much harder to take when i am in such incredible pain. my arm and shoulder are just beyond words in how much pain they have been causing me. please remember - am not a suck about pain - i get my teeth drilled with no anesthetic.

the prescribed drugs don't help. massage doesn't help. physio doesn't help. acupuncture doesn't help. electro-stimulation acupuncture hasn't helped.

the pain and the other crap in life has brought back a massive fibromyalgia attack. it's as bad as its been since 2004 - before i began my exercise and fitness regime and before i left the stbx

the muscle spasms and acute pain (rather than the dull general "bruised" pain of the overall fibro condition) started to spread to other parts of my body

i haven't been able to do my assignments for school because i can't think clearly past the pain. the pain and the fibro fog. i had to ditch one of my midterms because i couldn't think well enough. the assignments and exams are pending - i had registered with the disabilities office and that is helping the profs be able to give me leeway under the rules.

i wasn't able to attend class all week this last week.

the one bright spot is that last week i went to see Lenny Kravitz - which was cool in and of itself - but i decided to get really high for the concert (took a cab home). my arm hurt much less after that. fibromyalgia is one of the conditions that is eligible for medical marijuana in canada. mine is legal - i had some left from a couple of years ago (yeah - it was pretty dry...) and did that.

i called a person i know and got a small amount more - i am desperate and will try anything at this point - anything to make the pain go away

it worked for a couple of days in conjunction with relaxation, but the pain and fog came roaring back on sunday and monday when i went to buckle down into my assignments (because my brain was clear enough of pain to work)

my arm is a bit better now, so it is not quite as excruciating and the spasming has stopped spreading to other parts of my body

my anxiety level has been juiced up to the unreal

on thursday and friday i could barely function without starting to degenerate into tears - other may not have noticed it or known, but that is what was happening inside

the kids were with their mom, and she was being even more of a freak. she has a new schtick because fighting and arguing didn't work. now she goes on rambling rants/talking and crying/weeping jags. the kids say it's worse that fighting with her because at least then they were fighting.

Son and daughter are smoking drugs all the time... they are missing a pile of school (absences)

Smitten pointed out to me that the new behaviour out of the stbx and the kids reaction is much worse - because now they are subject to the same pressures as before, but don't even get the protection of defending themselves verbally

they are now just taking the emotional drubbing - like the dog in the electrified floor experiment

----

Learned Helplessness


Psychologist Martin Seligman spent years studying the impact of "controllability" on people and animals which is described n his book, Learned Helplessness: On Depression, Development and Death.

In a typical study matched pairs of dogs were divided into two groups, one where the dog could control what happened and one where it could do nothing. In the first situation, a naive dog was place in a room with an electric grid floor. This first situation was called "controllable" because the room also contained a puzzle. If the dog "solved" the puzzle, the shock stopped. In this example the puzzle was a lever, which when pushed, turned off the shock.

Since the dog had never been in the room before and it had no knowledge of the shock it was about to receive, the dog was relaxed and friendly as it wagged its tail and wiggled its nose. However, when the electric floor was activated, the dog's demeanor changed dramatically. It jumped and yelped as it frantically searched for a way out. In the process the dog accidentally pushed the lever, causing the shock to stop - a powerful negative win. Over the next couple of trials when the dog was put back in the room and the shock turned on, the dog learned very quickly to run to the lever and push it. The dog was highly motivated - albeit avoidance motivation - because the dog learned that it could do something to control its world.

The dog in the "uncontrollable" group was placed in the same room with the electric floor, only this time there was no puzzle and there was nothing that the dog could do to turn off the shock. Just like the first dog, it ran around trying to find a way out. When the dog eventually learned that there was nothing that it could do it gave up, and laying down on the floor, it took the shock. The dog was not motivated because it learned that it was helpless.

Later the second dog that had learned that it was helpless was put into the room with the puzzle but it made no effort to find a way out. Instead the dog just lay on the floor and took the shock. Even when the door was left wide open, the dog did not attempt to escape the shock. The dog could not seem to learn that the conditions had changed and that it was no longer helpless.

To summarize, the second dog "learned" that it was helpless and stopped trying to get away. Its motivation to escape was extinguished or eliminated. In the process, dog exhibited a lot of negative emotions: first yelping and growling, later whimpering, and eventually just remaining motionless. Something happened that interfered with the dog's ability to learn when things changed and when it could do something. In effect, the dog burned out.

Powerlessness at work can affect people in the same way. As you learn that there is nothing you can do you'll probably experience negative emotions, beginning with frustration and anger, later anxiety and guilt, and eventually depression and despair. In the process, motivation declines. When the conditions change you will probably find it hard to learn and continue acting helpless.

- http://www.docpotter.com/boclass-25helplessness.html

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also you may wish to read my posts Desperation and Objectivity and Traumatic Bonding

----

hey, did i mention that my dad has Angina? and is going in for an angiogram and probable angioplasty next week... and probable arterial stent

so he's in not so great shape

they are looking at leaving for the U.S. (Texas for the winter) in the next couple of weeks, but Dad's health insurance for the U.S. is now going to be fucked - they're looking into what can be done on that front.

in canada it's not an issue - you get whatever you need for as long as you need it until you die or don't need it

health insurance - what a fucked up system of health care. have a condition? ok - we won't cover you - because what would be the point of giving people the health care they need - that would just cost money... and health isn't about health it's about profit

fuck-you

----

i am trying to meet the challenges as head on as i can. i know that i have a big avoidance streak and that has kicked in hard, but my head at least knows that won't work.

i am:

kicking meat and wheat out of my diet (except for my pita on the morning see Cadbury's Healthy Breakfast

going vegan + fish again - on The Diet

taking my vitamins every day - bought some of those old people daily pill boxes and put the daily vitamins into it so that it takes no effort to just slap them into my hand and then swallow - yes - there are moments when opening the 8 or so pill bottles is too much effort to work up the will to do...

going to counselling twice a week. we are working on two things: 1) relaxation therapy; 2) anxiety reconditioning (like brainwashing yourself out of existing anxiety responses)

exercising every day

aggressively working within the system at the university to make sure my difficulties don't screw my life plan

working with the schools to help my kids

took son to the doctor to see if there is any medical intervention that can be done with him

have an appointment for 2 weeks for son (2nd appointment) and one for daughter

(more on that story later)

cleaning my place up to make it a better and less cluttered/messy environment

going through old boxes of papers and things and shredding and discarding

trying to keep my hygiene and deportment up (shaving regulary - making sure i dress reasonably well to look good)

doing fun positive things - movies with friends and kids (comedies), walks in the fresh air when it's nice enough, addressing the positives

trying to take at least one hour every day for self-care - working on my my relaxation and anxiety workbooks and meditation, and finally doing the exercises in my post traumatic stress disorder workbook

blah, blah, blah

more later

slipping over the edge

i'm slipping over the edge

i really am having difficulty coping

between

my son's depression, school absences, and drug use (pot, salvia)

my daughter's dyed black hair, overuse of makeup, party attendance and drug use (pot, salvia)

my ex's screaming fits on the kids - which they have normalised - and ranting tirades keeping them up late at night and keeping them from going to exercise or doing just about anything

the insane amount of work in my classes

how hard the math and related stuff is

the pain i am still in (shoulder/arm)

that Smitten is so on edge because i am not giving her what she had before in our relationship (mostly because of all the fucked up shit coming from the ex and the kids)

the fact that i am so defensive around her now

my parents deteriorating relationship and my Dad's incessant calls about how my mom is being so hurtful to him

Dad's deteriorating health and mental condition

the change in weather - first snow a couple of weeks ago - temperature freezing overnight, up to about 50F daytime - grey skies

not exercising because of workload and perceived demands for my time from the kids and Smitten

an inability to concentrate

and the roaring return of my fibromyalgia

and so much more...

i'm slipping over the edge

(no - i'm not suicidal - just unable to cope)

did i see my shadow?

emerging from my hole with a few thoughts

1) i went to the gym last night - first time in about 2 weeks

i left thinking to myself

"Why does any large group of men generally smell like an old gym sock?"

2) my daughter and i were discussing sex and sexuality issues

i really didn't need to know that spanking turns her on

(practice or just fantasy... i dunno)

3) snow sucks

i hate this fucking place

actually i hate the weather. the place is ok

i guess

4) university was never this hard before

but that was social sciences - something i have been schooled in from birth

5) while i see the beauty of math sometimes

i still understand why i hate it so much

maybe i will grow to enjoy it

bra fitting

took my daughter to get a properly fitted bra last saturday

i have bought her underwear and bras before

caught shit from the stbx about the stuff i bought and allowed daughter to pick

daughter wanted more interesting underwear than granny whites - you know - jersey material with a little lace on the bottom - not white - slightly different cut - but nothing out of line

stbx spazzed - and then ended up wearing daughter's underwear... daughter was pissed. yeah - the stbx has baoundary issues... stbx said she didn't remember they were daughter's (bullshit)

i think it's a little greebly to wear someone else's underwear...

anyway,

daughter wears her bra 24/7 pretty much. says she just feels more comfortable wearing it. i have expressed my concern about it because of linkages between long term 24 hour bra wearing and breast cancer (theorised that it has to do with constriction of lymph nodes under arms, blah, blah...)

but daughter wore this one bra until the elastic came out. she said it was just so much more comfortable than the others.

so when the elastic came out i made an appointment with a specialty/specialist bra/lingerie place in town (hey - my mom orders her special 4 wire steel truss bras there [she's a busty lady]). i have made special orders over the last 27 years at the place for women in my life. it's a good place.

i took daughter there. daughter was worried it would cost too much.

i told her to not listen to her mother's bullshit and that there were better places to get bras than bargain bins.

about an hour later we had one. the ladies there were very pleased that i would bring daughter in (especially at age 12) and took a bunch of time to explain to daughter how everything should fit and be fitted.

as daughter was still awkward about getting fitted and such, while she was in the fitting room i gave some parameters for the bra - i explained to ladies that the bra needed to have a bit of padding to cover up nipple moments when they might show through a T-shirt. the ladies gave me an odd look until i finished my sentence about the fact that she is surrounded by moronic grade 7 boys - they immediately understood why daughter would NOT want to be nipplish around 12 year old boys...

i also explained the 24 hour bra wearing and told them it need to be ultra comfortable and forgiving

it turns out that daughter is now a C cup now instead of the B she thought she was and that is part of the reasons the other bras didn't fit comfortably - and that the way the others fit with daughters build would cause damage to her breast tissue over time.

daughter nearly crapped when the bill for it was over $120.00

while i was a little stunned (i was expecting maybe $80 or $90), i didn't blink. it was an important moment to underline the importance of properly fitting bras to daughter.

she asked me later why i would spend that much and i gave her the lecture about backaches and all the rest. about good shoes and good bras and avoiding pain and suffering.

i reminded her not to let the bra out of her sight around her mother...

we didn't discuss it at all after the ride home, but i believe that it was an important moment for her and the way she views her bra and money

unexpected extension

Read Dear Professor

He said (among other things) "The no late assignments rule is for most of the people in the class - the kids - the engineers that never have to take another computer science class after this one and try to to slough the work. We're both adults here - and we understand that life has other things that happen other than the next beer drinking party. I'll give you until I hand all the other assignments back. That should be enough time"

----

I wasn't expecting that

Dear Professor,

September 30, 2008

Professor H,

My name is [Cadbury]. I am a student in your CS[nnn] class. I am the bald, older, deep-voiced guy who sits near the front on your left as you face the class.

I am writing to you to explain why my first assignment is not being handed in.

I am not asking for any special consideration, or for anything other than a zero mark as befits a missing assignment.

I am, though, asking that when I complete the first assignment, as part of completing the second assignment, that you or your marker review the assignment and advise me of errors, omissions, or style issues and tips that I should be aware of.

I am addressing the missing assignment in the same way I would address an unfinished task in the workplace – straight up with an explanation. I desire your professional respect. However, this letter is as much for myself as it is for you. To codify the reasons for missing the assignment, and as part of addressing and modifying the conditions and reactions that caused the situation.

I am not handing in my assignment because I did not complete it. I did not even complete any of the functions in a manner that would be appropriate to hand in as stand-alone running routines per your marking scheme.

I am 43 years old. I recently took a buyout from my job to return to University for a year (or so) to take the 9 core classes required to get a CS Certificate. I have two children (son 16, daughter 12). I am in the middle of divorce and settlement proceedings. For two years now… as the system and process grind on ad infinitum.

I would say it is a messy divorce, but it isn’t really - from perspective of the potential for messiness that exists surrounding such events. It is your run of the mill breakdown of the lives of four people – two adults –two children – with all the messiness that ordinary emotions and events can produce – messy for me – messy for my children – even if not quite worthy of television or movie drama messiness.

With 25 years in the computer industry I took your admonitions to begin the assignment early seriously. But left the assignment until last Friday to begin, expecting that at my level of coding capability and focus that I would finish over the weekend with Monday for problem solving room. You see, the first assignment from another class (CS[nnn] [electronic circuit design]) occupied my time until last Tuesday, and life occasionally needs to be lived - or at least maintained – in between assignments.

Friday is the day that we do the “switchover” with the kids. Week on, week off joint custody.

On Friday I picked up my kids. It had been a hell of a week for them.

My ex is somewhat unstable (understatement).

Everything is high drama. Minute-to-minute – hour-to-hour – day-to-day.

Last week had more drama than usual.

My children were positively vibrating when I picked them up.

I spent time calming them down from their wound up state. That is, I am afraid, one of my principle functions as a parent. Soothing their shaken state. Making them feel safe (emotionally) and providing a calm stable environment.

Talking. Cooking for them. Love. Watching a movie and debriefing. Taking a walk and hearing them talk about how they feel – sad – angry – distressed – confused – frustrated.

These are some of the tools.

Time.

My son and daughter have various behaviours that are typical of being in that stressful environment: depression, task avoidance, skipping school, drug use (soft), and anxiety. After much difficulty (2 years worth) in getting agreement from my ex (both parents consent is required) I do have them both in counselling since last spring in May. And me – for longer than that. My ex feels she doesn’t need counselling because “Everyone has problems – they should just deal with it.”

This last week was more difficult to deal with than most. As an example: For various reasons my ex is trying to get my son to move in permanently with me (but have my daughter remain living with her – hopefully full-time instead of joint custody). But she doesn’t want to be “responsible” or “at fault” for him moving out – so that she can be the permanent victim – and so that daughter will not blame her and hold that as a reason not to choose to stay full-time with her mother. In one of my ex’s raging moments she told my son to pack and leave. Shortly after that, when he actually began packing, she wailed “Don’t you leave me too…!” and engaged him in a 5 hour straight session of intense emotional drama/discussion where she again alternated between telling him to leave and begging him to stay.

If I were the stronger or better person I fantasize about being, I would be able to calm them and then be able to address my own needs and tasks. The one that Gregory Peck always seems to be every time I see To Kill A Mockingbird.

Unfortunately I am not that person.

My children’s emotional turmoil, and my own after-shocks from a 20 year marriage are fully present. My guts churn, sleep and concentration is disrupted, and depending on how bad or how long the intense period has been I will have a fibromyalgia relapse of varying intensity.

And subsequently I did not have the focus required to do my assignment. Or even be able to move much beyond reading your instructions, reading textbooks, online tutorials, and notes, preparing problem solving algorithms and flow charts – and then staring at the screen of my development environment ([name of environment not included in this post to reduce google derived software hits on this post]).

I take my choice to return to University very seriously – as more than a full time job. I devote enormous energy into my assignments and classes.

Unfortunately events and life have a way of interfering with my choices.

I am addressing the various issues with my kids and myself through counselling, stress reduction and relaxation techniques, and medical intervention. But it all takes time and is not easily fixed.

On the academic front, I hope to be able to review my work with you when it is completed.

I have prepared an assignment cover page and note saying that the assignment is undone for submission to your marker so that the marker will be able to record it as such and not worry that there is a misplaced assignment.

Thank-you for your time,

[Cadbury]
[student number]


----

addendum for the blog:

there some other factors that knocked me off stride. during late august i had a collision with Smitten. I wrote her a relatively lengthy letter with regard to the issues i saw/felt.

she gave me her response letter on friday morning - she had completed it after a long while. that letter, while honest and frank, really knocked me off stride

the response took a long time because she wanted to do it right, school started for me, she left her job and returned to university as well, and her father died and she was lead on all the arrangements...

yes - shit has happened and i haven't been blogging much

more later

whenever later is...

up to my ass

i am taking 2 heavy classes right now, and expect to be signing up for two grade 12 correspondence (actually over the internet) math classes in the next few days.

the two computer science classes are an programming class and a circuit design class. one has a substantial workload and the other (circuit design) has a bunch of math stuff that i find quite challenging/difficult. i don't think the same way math nerds do, so the way the prof explains the material doesn't work for me. i have to review the class notes and materials outside of class in order to learn and understand it. i am essentially teaching myself the class - his stuff makes me a little familiar and i get to ask questions, but i just don't like the way he breezes by the material.

i have 3 assignments due before the end of the month. all are relatively difficult.

my arm and shoulder are still pretty bad - today the pain is at least down to a dull ache - the pain has been a siginificant factor in putting me under the gun in terms of understanding my material and doing assignments. the fact that i have constant bad spasms in that quadrant of my body also sees me exhausted by the end of the day.

i will suck at being a blogging buddy for possibly months. i will post when i am able and will try to stay in touch, but i have nothing to spare right now.

sorry

more Palin

have i mentioned i do not appreciate Ms. Palin's worldview or politics very much?

----

""Shortly after taking office in 1996 as mayor of Wasilla, a city of about 7,000 people, Palin asked the city's head librarian about banning books," AP writes. "Later, the librarian was notified by Palin that she was being fired, although Palin backed off under pressure."

"When Sarah Palin was mayor of Wasilla, the city billed sexual-assault victims and their insurance companies for the cost of rape kits and forensic examinations,"

“In 2000, Alaska lawmakers learned that rural police agencies had been billing rape victims or their insurance companies $500 to $1,200 for the costs of the forensic medical examinations used to gather evidence. They quickly passed a law prohibiting the practice.

According to the sponsor, Democrat Eric Croft, the law was aimed in part at Wasilla, where now-Gov. Sarah Palin was mayor. When it was signed, Wasilla's police chief expressed displeasure.

“ ‘In the past, we've charged the cost of exams to the victims' insurance company when possible,’ then-chief Charlie Fannon told the Mat-Su Valley Frontiersman, the local newspaper. ‘I just don't want to see any more burden put on the taxpayer.’ Now that Palin is the Republican nominee for vice president, Democrats such as former Alaska governor Tony Knowles -- who signed the rape-kit bill into law and was defeated by Palin in 2006 -- are raising the issue to question Palin's commitment to women's issues and crime victims. Palin appointed Fannon after firing his predecessor shortly after she took office in 1996.”

More Palin Stories - First Read

Palin's rookie year as mayor

i think these articles give some insights into the character of the latest political celebrity...

"She became embroiled in personnel challenges, a thwarted attempt to pack the City Council and a standoff with her local newspaper. Her first months were so contentious and polarizing that critics started talking recall.

Her first months also exposed threads that would later become patterns -- friends become enemies, enemies become friends and questions get raised about why she fired this person or that person."

Palin's rookie year as mayor was turbulent

- The Seattle Times

" Sept. 11 (Bloomberg) -- John McCain's choice of Sarah Palin as his running mate sent a signal that he would end business as usual and cronyism in government. Her record shows the Alaska governor engaged in some of the same practices she and McCain now condemn.

Palin's office approved a state job for a friend and campaign aide with whom she shared a land investment, financial records and interviews over the past two weeks show. She hired a former lobbyist for a pipeline company to help oversee a multibillion-dollar deal with that same company.

She named a police chief accused of harassment to head the state police. And she sent campaign e-mails on her city hall account while serving as mayor of Wasilla -- conduct for which she later turned in an oil commissioner on ethics charges.

These incidents raise ``some serious questions about her judgment and serious questions about her standards of ethics in public service,'' said James Thurber, director of American University's Center for Congressional and Presidential Studies in Washington. Suggesting a real estate investment partner for a job ``may be acceptable in Alaska; it would not be acceptable in Washington, D.C., a place whose norms she wants to change.'' "

Palin's Ethics Scrapes May Undercut Pledge to End Old Politics

- Bloomberg Press

carpal tongueal syndrome

what Smitten is afraid i might get

(just thought i'd share the joke)

how cool is that?

Smitten to Cadbury last night:

"Oh my God - with some ups and downs, i think that was a 40 minute long orgasm..."

Cadbury to Smitten:

"Cool"

----

yes indeed folks, there is a reason that as a teenager i learned to peel a grape using only my lips and tongue (a suggested exercise in the book The Erogenous Man), and learned to do the tongue/lips cherry stem tying trick
[heh]

(yes - i'm feeling particularly manly today)

pain and grumpiness

i'm in a lot of pain

my left shoulder and arm have been bugging me since late july and has flaired up into excruciating bursts of pain with excruciating throbbing and muscle spasms in between

it hurts a lot

i have minor surgery and teeth drilled with no anesthetic

not that big a deal...

this fucking hurts

massage, muscle relaxants, more massage hasn't helped

i have an appointment for acupuncture

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i got a 63% in my class

fucking bullshit

should've gotten an 80 or 90

i am in discussions with the university's disability office to get extra time to write exams - having a history of not being able to finish exams in the time allotted is not a learning or other disability, but the staffer is sympathetic - once again people who know me and my history (20 plus years of involvement with the university) know i am not bullshitting - and know my ability. we are using my fibromyalgia (and possibly my anxiety diagnosis of a couple of years ago) as the official reason for getting extra time on the exams.

my doctor is sympathetic too - so the doctor's note shouldn't be hard to come by.

i feel comfortable. it's not like i'm asking for more than the chance to prove that i know my stuff - no other consideration - i am just that careful and methodical in my processes

need more time

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i have started the fall semester - two classes on campus - two math correspondence

i am energised by each day on compus

so much life

so much enthusiasm and energy

a far cry from the cynicism and grind of the job

i am riding currents of air any time i am out there

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when i am not owly and exhausted i will get my vacation photos up and such

it hurts a lot to sit at the computer for very long

this post is very painful, but i wanted to say hi and let you know what's up

see you soon

this is fucking bullshit

i just finished my final

once again the time limit burned me

if i pass (and i have to pass the final to pass the class) it will be a marginal pass

with 30 more minutes (3 hour exam) i would have walked out with an 80 or 90

but no

it's not a test of knowledge, it's a test of how quick you are...

the logic of it all just takes me longer

my work is always good

i am hurting

i am really quite crushed

but,

if i fail, i fail

i will re-do the class and do better next time

i will not complete all the classes in the timeline i set out (1 year), but i will complete my plan, bumps and all

and the future will have to hold whatever it holds

busy week

assignment was due monday

wrote the quiz i missed - no mark - just got it corrected so i could see my mistakes - quiz mark is now rolled into final - which is now worth 53% of my total mark...

wrote my lab final today - got 88% on the not counting quiz - which included material from the week i wasn't there

got 86% on the lab final - 2nd highest mark in class

final on friday