steps

over the winter i took a few steps with regard to my children's drug use. i operated under what i termed a harm reduction strategy. i took my cues from methods of intervention used in schools, facilities and programs in various locations in Canada and the U.S.

i reviewed my actions, and what i believed my posture to be, with counselors and drug and addictions staff at the high school my son attends.

i chose to allow them to smoke pot inside the apartment while the weather was below -20C instead of banishing them to the outside or to friends places (they would also often just walk to their mother's and smoke at the house while she wasn't there).

i chose to have them do their thing at my apartment, rather than go to some of their friends' places - some of which are in "the 'hood" (or at least what we call such here) - or go to their mothers house. i chose to try to protect them, to try to ensure their safety while trying to get them to reduce their use.

i chose to attempt to educate them on the nature of drugs and to give them all the information i could find.

i thought that advising them of risks would reduce the likelihood that they would move on to harder drugs. to date, son has not moved on.

however, their use has become chronic. i still believe their use to be a symptom of other pressures, but at this point the drugs themselves are becoming a standalone problem.

yesterday i called a conference between the three of us. we talked. there were some highly tense moments (i may discuss them in a later post). at one point a friend of mine came over - he called me to see how i was doing and told him about the fact that i had been within millimetres of beating/enacting violence on both my children (literally). and that i was at that point trying to get them to discuss solutions to the situation - i cannot impose solutions - that will only drive their use underground as they ignore me.

you see - i think "tough love" is a method of avoidance for the most part. it allows the authority figure (parent) to claim the moral high ground while simply washing their hands of responsibility. i will not wash my hands of my responsibility.

engagement is much more difficult than sabre rattling. i choose to engage. i choose to persuade and attempt to lead.

i believe in a redeeming God (when i believe in God...) and a redeeming universe. i believe that the measure of a person is not how many times they fall, but how many times they pick themselves up.

my friend is a law enforcement officer (he is also an internationally known/hired bodyguard) - we were bouncers together about 20 years ago. he is currently in immigration enforcement - with his knowledge and experience he's one of the people that gets called to find and remove true slimeballs (child molesters/multiple murderes/rapists/etc) from the country. i was on mushy ground with the kids and when he said he was coming over, i said OK. i was at a bit of a loss. son was talking and debating, but daughter not so much.

history: my friend had previously asked me if there was anything he could do to help. i had asked him to give my kids a briefing on meth and MDMA (ecstasy [X]) production methods - one of my key points in harm reduction is to keep my kids away from X, meth, and crack (not much crack around here, though). my kids both have friends that are X-heads. X can be bought for as little as $1.50 (and most of it is actually meth) a hit. i figured i could keep them from moving to a cheaper and more dangerous substance by engaging with them and trying to steer them away from harder drugs by education and persuasion. i had also asked my friend to teach me a few (2 or 3) moves to deal with punks in the event of needing to rescue my kids from a bad situation (speaking of "the 'hood"). i am fully capable in a brawl - but wanted to learn few moves i had been introduced to by a cop that are used to incapacitate idiots and punks (weird thumb holds and small joint manipulation techniques). my friend teaches knife combat, stck combat, and unarmed combat at our national police academy (analogue: like if he taught at the FBI academy) and also teaches various city police forces. (no - i am not making this shit up)

he came over and talked to the kids. he took a bit of a different tack than i expected. he talked about the level of adulteration of different kinds of drugs - especially chemically based drugs - like the acid my daughter dropped - and then suggested that they both grow up. he told my son that he needed to be a man and not a punk - that being the source of the acid daughter dropped (daughter lied and told him a mutual friend wanted it [yeah - i was very unhappy with this scene in totality]) was not the actions of a man - that a man would protect his 13 year old sister and would never hand over acid to any 13 year old - especially his sister. he described a couple of the situations in our city where some whitebread folks had decided they were badass gangsters and ended up wired to chairs and tortured for his ATM PIN (white teen went to the hood to buy drugs [our racial underclass is north american indians]). another local young restaurateur (who happened to be the cousin of the stbx's sister's husband [the geophysicist]) who ended up chopped into pieces and found in parts inside a burned out car on an indian reservation (the kids had some awareness of the nature of his demise previously - but my friend added a bunch more grisly details).

blah, blah, blah

my friend left. son asked me if he could light up. i told him i wasn't going to give him permission, and i wasn't going to tell him not to - that the whole point of the episode/session was to get them to exercise judgment. i wanted to see his choice.

he lit up

i do not believe in "gateway drug" theories. i am of the opinion that an addictive personality is an addictive personality (and gene pool).

that being said - the time has come to disrupt my childrens' drug use.

my daughter has crossed the line from "organics" to chemicals - and said she'll do acid again.

harm reduction in this case has not worked. both of them are looking for escape and are only finding it in drugs.

i am taking a series of measures: no drug use in the apartment - not by them, not by their friends. daughter is no longer allowed to hang out with son and his friends. both will be required to attend narcotics anonymous and al-anon meetings with me. both are required to attend treatment/education sessions with our health district's alcohol and drugs unit. son is required to get a job.

there will be no "crashing" at the apartment when son has friends over - any sleepovers by friends will have to be pre-arranged and pre-approved. his friends will not be allowed to come over when daughter is at the apartment (she is back on week on/week off). i will be refusing to allow son to go to his best friend's house (best friend is his primary source of pot) later than 10 pm on school nights (I currently will allow 10:30-11:00). if i catch son wandering outside to get high after 10pm he will have to find somewhere else to sleep that night (he would likely go to his mom's place 3 blocks away, but hopefully it will indicate my seriousness).

----

it is my hope that the disruptive shockwaves of the above actions will be a starting point. the above practices and strictures are not all that inconveniencing - they will just disrupt their current pattern. much like a person who is trying to give up smoking is urged to alter their normal habits and routines in order to avoid the patterns of normal usage (like whom you go for coffee with, taking up exercise in place of coffee and a smoke - those sorts of things)

----

i have gotten references to a number of professionals by my daughters counsellor - a support group, professionals in the field of youth addiction, and such - i am attempting to become even more informed on the subject of addiction and dependency

i need to make sure that my actions are not co-dependent or enabling - and so far i can construe many of my actions as naively well-intentioned, and as enabling. i am not pillorying myself. i have been instrumental in keeping both of them away from X and meth - but obviously my methods have not wholly worked.

as my friend said to the kids last night (about 5 or 6 times [for my benefit, i am sure]): "Your dad, even though he knows better, still believes that love can cure everything."

----

daughter had a breakthrough (in my opinion) while talking with son and myself. she said that part of the reason she wants to take drugs - and wants to take acid again - is because then she doesn't feel like herself - and she hates who she is.

that she is weak and betrays people - like her brother when she betrayed him by lying and actually getting the acid for herself. like betraying me, like btraying her mother

that she feels like she is constantly lying ind betraying people (which she is and does).

we talked a bit and son pushed fairly hard (i had to get him to back off sometimes - he can be a pushy prick). daughter said that she doesn't want to ever make a mistake - so she lies and covers up - and doesn't make her true intentions known

because she hates being wrong

she hates people telling her she's wrong or doing something wrong - not because she wants to be perfect (what son tried to accuse her of) - but to avoid the pain of criticism and to avoid getting shit

the fact that she said these things out loud is significant

that means she has at least partially admitted it to herself

----

she said she doesn't want to live at the apartment, and she doesn't want to live with her mom - she just wants to be left alone

while at one level it is a cop-out...

she's also only 13 years old - and is still a child - and is still suffering under the pressures and chaos that has been inflicted on her

----

(do you think it's passing odd that daughter does this right after she goes back to her mom's place - this acting out?

my mom asked me "Why does she only do it to you? Why not to [stbx]?"

my counselor said "In young children they most often act out with the people they feel the safest with, and the closest to. There is no reason to think that this behaviour would change in an adolescent - or even an adult.")

----

son

son has a dependency issue

have to fix that

----

daughter

son

i need to

take steps

it just keeps getting better

my daughter dropped 4 hits of acid today

spellbinding

took them at school

somehow managed to survive the day

my contacts in the drug scene tell me that a hit these days is maybe a third the potency of acid in my (and some of your) youth

so just over one hit from my perspective

which explains why she wasn't hallucinating.

of course i never hallucinated anytime i was on acid - even 4 hits - of the old potency (over 20 years ago)

she was weepy and weirdly paranoid - but slowly came down

and is going to bed to sleep for the night

she has counseling in the morning

maybe this will be a breakthrough moment as she looks closely at herself

yeah

sure

----

i know that there will be some new drama in my life each week. so something is expected (not this, though), it's a law of the universe. i must attract, cultivate, or simply have a need for drama - i think

because otherwise you would think i would run out of this crap

things a Dad does not want to read posted by his Daughter's

from March 4th

"kay i'm so pissed because i want to like screw around with someone and everyone is taken or i can't touch and it's making me very pissed like i "had" someone to like "torment" jk but i did and i was so excited but because of shit now i'm not with them and i'm like wtf am i going to do and it's really pissing me off ! so i decided to take more secretive pictures and i'm hoping to put a few up on here but those one's will be non secretive! i really hate how no one can be in a relationship with me and i'm so fucking ready ........... Gawd it pisses me off it's like no one listens to me ever and when they have a problem they expect me to listen? FUCK YOU i've had enough i'm so fucking sexually frusterated that for a whole day i slept because whenever i was awake i wnated to fuck everything DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS???? it's fucking B.S. is what that is it's like fuck can nobody just fucking live in [our city] and want to be with me???no because everyone fucking sux and has a stick too far up their ass to notice me"

my response:

i replaced the vibrator i bought her last year that she burned out (no - i didn't ask how...)

i went through every electronic media device in the house for pics - even deleted stuff (file recovery programs/disk forensics [including flash sticks, their camera, and their phones)

some bra and panty (and a corset) stuff found, but nothing untoward posted on the internet on any of her hangouts. she left herself logged in to her hotmail account so i went through that while she was out

nothing untoward there either

uneasy, and more than a little queasy about looking at half-naked sexually suggestive self-pics of my daughter...

but all appears to be still safe

uck

it's a while new world out there

----

i know my daughter's various login ids. i keep an eye out on her activities. i am discrete and do not ask or challenge her on stuff - i hate snooping and mostly don't, but with her going back to her mother's today i felt the need to just check out what's going on in her head.

i'm worried about potential self harm

instead i found the above...

still thinking through how to address the situation

i have the birth control and condom talk at least once a month with both kids

mediation went well

have to get ready for my class, so not much details right now

will post later/tomorrow

things went well. i have some expectation that things can be moved along even if just a little

it was a solo intake metting - just me and the mediator

----

the money quote:

(i was explaining how i was prepared to take less than half of the property if it would move things along and stop or ameliorate the stbx from having a shit fit on the kids over the financial settlement)

"And has your practice of accommodation stopped [stbx]'s outbursts in the past...?"

"Your children have survived a fair bit so far. They will likely need to survive a little bit more, no matter how unpleasant in the short term. Anyway, I'm not sure how any family court judge would accept any settlement that was any other than close to even. They are certainly not going to take one where one person keeps their whole pension and most of their assets and the other just walks away with the debts"

(speaking of stbx's pension and my marital credit card debts)

first mediation session monday morning

as above

solo visist with the mediator to discuss settlment and custody issues

joint sessions later

the good thing is the department of justice picks up the tab for mediation services (it costs less than stuff going to court for the government)

the bad thing is that i expect this is yet one more stalling tactic

we'll see

----

daughter goes back to her mom's until friday, tomorrow

i'm bummed, but i can't do much - she agreed...

more detail when my head doesn't hurt so bad as it does right now

meeting went well (later edit: or not...)

Mom and Dad were good

they asked for details and i provided them with as much as i had - i just sent them more information

they are not demanding that i work through anything with them

they are asking that i have my monthly budget and statements gone over by an accountant to confirm the information i am giving them (reasonable request)

i will end up lowering my total monthly credit card payments from something around $1100 to a $200 payment on their line of credit

interest rate dropping from an average of 17% to 2.5%

saving over $400 per month interest

it was all supposed to be paid off a couple of years ago...

that would be from a settlement

that isn't here yet

----

[start]
Late Breaking News (later in the evening):

Mom had the shit fit I expected earlier. It just took awhile. I had sent over the written details of what i had outlined in our verbal session.

They are so hot and cold. Just like on buying the house.

Either be fucking prepared to help me or don't. Either want the facts, or don't. I hate this start and stop crap.

Smitten told me that most people marry one of their parents. Me, I married both.

I recognise it is their money. But they offered. I did not ask them.

I took them at their word they would be (and continue to be) reasonable.

I understand that it's their money. But I have/had other options to make my bills and to make it over this hump. But they made the offer - knowing the general outlines of my situation - there were no surprises. But now they have to have a shit fit and are starting to ask/demand me to explain/justify my whole history of how i got here going back years.

I'm not prepared to do that.

I've done the dance for them one too many times.

And yes - you may be reading this thinking "beggars can't be choosers". But i didn't beg. They offered.

fuck

and now it's the same crap they have pulled time and time again - convert an offer of help into me having to beg and justify and abase myself

[end]

----

on the lawyer/settlement front:

me to lawyer last week:

[Son] just advised me that [STBX] told him that he and [Daughter] have to move back to her place or else she'll "lose everything" and have to pay $1400 a month child support

this is one of the major sticks she's been emotionally beating them with recently

From: lawyer@lawoffice.com
Date: Thu, 12 Mar 2009 17:03:29
Subject: Re: [STBX] telling kids lies about child support

[Cadbury],

I have phoned [STBX]'s lawyer and asked for this manipulation on the part of [STBX] to end IMMEDIATELY. I hope it has stopped. I was advised they have spoken to her so hopefully it will end.

Also, the mediator has been assigned and her name is [mediator name] and her phone number is [number]. I was going to follow up with her tomorrow as she is supposed to be arranging to speak to you and [STBX] either tomorrow or Monday to set up the first meeting.

Lawyer

paying off credit cards

my Dad lent me $2000 this month, and we project will lend me $2000 next month until my employment insurance kicks in

Dad just offered to pay about $25,000 of my credit cards out of their home equity line of credit - this will save me the better part of $400 per month in interest and take away those monthly payments

but Mom is a little edgy about it

it's not my plan - it's Dad's - but i can't argue with the logic

so now i am going over there to discuss things

i am not thrilled

i'm not ready for this kind of an event emotionally

i've been working through opening up some of the issues from my childhood surrounding the constant violence i suffered through grade school. i don't know if i've talked about it before - but i was beaten up on pretty much a daily basis at school - it was a daily (sometimes more than once a day) game to the kids to see who could whack my nose to make it bleed

add that to my brother's consistent violence (he liked to kneel on my arms and sit on my chest and slap my face for the couple of hours before my parents came home from work) and ridicule

add that to opening the box that all that had been stuffed into - and looking at the situation with different eyes - thinking about the fact my parents didn't defend me

didn't move me to a different school

insisted that i not physically fight or physically defend myself

a pacifist response was demanded

but they didn't go to the school and demand action from the teachers

who told me they couldn't do anything to the kids (and you may recall me discussing that the priest at our catholic school had told the other kids to rough me up because of my Dad's politics)

----

i'm not really emotionally up to this meeting

but i'm leaving now

worked through a lot of crap this weekend

i'm finishing an assignment for class tonight, so i can't post many details

the working through is a lot of introspective stuff

spent the whole weekend talking to Smitten

i discussed with her and we explored more of my personal history and how it relates to how i am handling things now

as i detail my life i realise just how abusive it has been

i don't want to sound whiny as i say it, but as i have gone back over things it becomes more and more apparent how abusive my environment has been since childhood (eg - my brother's lifelong physical and mental abuse, getting beat up in school for my dad's politics, the local priest telling the kids in my [catholic] school to beat me up because of my family's politics, my parents' lack of intervention, their highly demanding posture, blah, blah, blah)

i won't blame the past, but i will understand how it has and is affecting and conditioned (as in: brainwashed) me - and i will take steps to change me world view and some of my behaviours

----

daughter is talking about moving back with her mom half time

i am trying to do everything i can to stop that from happening

i am fearful she will end up harming herself severely or killing herself if she goes back into that mess

----

more later

really ill - life is sucky

i've been really ill for the last 2 weeks or so

some kind of influenza thing

i haven't gotten much done

dishes and laundry - managed to keep on top of them

but not much else

haven't even shaved in 2 weeks

----

my lawyers have filed the paperwork to suspend the court motion with a 3 day notice of return. they have begun the process of getting the mediation sessions underway.

the stbx's lawyers were supposed to, but surprise, surprise - they haven't

i still think it's all a big stall to not go to court...

----

i think i may have missed telling you that i had a face to face with the stbx and her lawyers a couple of weeks ago

the stbx wanted to avoid court

so they cranked up the pressure on mediation

i was against it, but my lawyer advised me "in the strongest terms" to agree to do mediation

she said that agreeing would get me closer to where i want to be

it keeps a judge from dicking with the current custody/living arrangements

it prevents a ruling against me on custody

you see - the kids cab live with me full-time with just visits to their mother and yet we can still have joint custody. my lawyer says that i would probably lose the temporary custody order. she says that she believes that the stbx would hold it together more than well enough to appear sane in front of a judge (this is the first time my lawyer has met the stbx).

so the kids stay with me. the longer the de facto arangement remains - the more likely it is to be upheld by the court. the longer the kids are sheltered from their mom - the less they want to spend time with her - especially since them staying away and her not being able to force them to come back is sending the stbx into fits - so she takes it out on the kids - which drives them away more

the lawyer says to me "Do you want to win in court, or do you want to keep your kids away from your ex?"

----

i'm broke

seriously broke

like out of money

i have some room on a couple of credit cards

Dad lent me some money, but i will have to go kissing ass for more over the next 2 months until my unemployment insurance starts arriving (with the end of the deemed period of my settlement).

i would have had enough money, but i had to spend a whack of extra cash on eqiping the apartment better for both kids to live here full time, and on massage, chiropractic, and medication.

----

not that inspired a writer at this time, so i think i will try again tomorrow

taking care of kids

likely dropping out of another class... i only have two left, so that will leave me with one

that sucks

i feel like i suck

failing at university again - failing to achieve my goals - failing to complete my course and individual classes

again

thought maybe third time lucky.

the first time it was my fault. i partied too much. the second time it was the psycho ex bagging at me about money that pushed me off the straight and narrow.

the crap this time is putting me off my third try

i am consoling myself with the knowledge that some is better than none (one class), and that making sure i survive and that my kids survive is the most important thing to me.

so i will likely have to lose the class (withdraw)

to make myself feel better i will quote Bill Clinton on family and jobs:

"And number three, the president needs to know he's doing right by his daughters.

In their hearts of hearts, most fathers believe that raising their kids is their most important job, even presidents. And so we should be happy when he takes his children to school, because it then will free him up emotionally to be even more involved in the decisions of the presidency.

If you know you've taken care of your kids, then you feel that your job can get your full attention."

- Bill Clinton, CNN interview (02/17/2009)

13.5 miles

that's what i ran today

i feel awesome

3 hours

1800 calories

around 3 years ago my fibromyalgia was so bad i had severe pain just walking to and from the bathroom in my building

Smitten wrote:

(It was suggested to me by a blog reader that I post this in the main part of the blog. this is a response Smitten wrote in relation to a comment by Sicilian on the post Day by Day (below))

----

February 01, 2009 1:55 AM

Smitten said...

Cadbury read me your comment, and I asked him to pass along a message from me - he however, suggested I write it myself...

First: Hello!

Second: I am a bit apprehensive about writing here as this is not my space - it is Cadbury's - and I am very conscious about people having their privacy. Just so you know, I do not read this blog - however occasionally Cadbury will read aloud what he has written or comments made as a result.
Which is why I felt compelled to comment today.

I know that he has chronicled our relationship, and that the nickname "Smitten" comes from shortly after we met and he wrote a post (side note, after our second date I wrote that I was "smitten" with him as well).

Yes, the ex has a personality disorder (nuts) and yes it has been a tremendous strain on Cadbury. Yes, he is doing an amazing job - there is so much going on all the time. It is like he is constantly bombarded. But,he handles it, and that is why I am still hanging in/on ... he is worth it.

I am humbled by your comment - and would instead say that I have the insight and understanding that all this periphery stuff will eventually go away. And I see all this stuff as a useful (albeit painful) learning experience.
Every crisis = an opportunity.

The stress will eventually come to an end. And when it is finished, he and I can continue with our great relationship... he is a wonderful man, who actually is the amazing person.
I think that we bring out the best in each other, and when we are together, all is right in the world.

So I thank you for your kind comment, and most of all your continued support. I came along in the middle of the journey, but you all have been here from the start.

P.S. yes, I care for him an amazing amount, and lucky for me, he cares for me the same way.

Day by day

Day by day
Oh Dear Lord
Three things I pray
To see thee more clearly
Love thee more dearly
Follow thee more nearly
Day by day
- from Godspell

----

not that i'm religious

i describe myself as a "recovering catholic"
(when i was kid the Priest in the Parish that was attached to our school would tell the other kids to rough me up because he was a bitter political opponent of our political party in general and my family in particular - i have some resentment issues...)

but i could sure use some serenity

----

i wanted (and had) the prayer of St. Francis sung as one of the hymns at my wedding

Make me a channel of your peace
Where there's despair in life, let me bring hope
Where there is darkness, only light
And where there's sadness, ever joy

(full lyrics)

that and this one (derived from Matthew 25:34)

Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto me.
When I was hungry, you gave me to eat;
When I was thirsty, you gave me to drink.
Now enter into the home of My Father

(full lyrics)
----

[interlude]
as you know, i have been active in socialist politics for my whole life

in politics, people often discuss the written works, or ideological treatises that motivated them to activism

those two songs - that i learned as a very small child - still move me to tears - it might be weird, but it's the truth - those two songs and the ideas contained within them are the core of my personal philosophy

if it sounds strange that religion would be part of socialism, well... the social gospel is a huge component in the development of our political movement - we were founded primarily from the activists from radical churches in the 20s and 30s - at least our intellectual base (and our longest serving leader and premier [like a state governor] was a radical baptist minister) was derived from theological treatises. i think that's one reason that Barack Obama appeals to me so much - the emphasis on self-reliance - but help being there if its needed no questions asked - no "means test" - the emphasis on human dignity - as we say in our party: "the best social program is a job"
[/interlude]

----

When I was weary, you helped me find rest.
When I was anxious, you calmed all my fears

----

my children are weary

i am weary

i spend a lot of time trying to calm them and work through their feelings

there is a rule of thumb in counseling that it takes three years of counseling to overcome every year of trauma/disturbance

i am trying to work my kids through their shit faster and easier than all that

my counselors and doctors (and Smitten) say that i have made remarkable progress in the time since leaving

i hope to be able to help my children in the same way

i work every moment i can or am able to help them

they are the total focus of my life

----

i don't post much (obviously) because i spend almost every waking hour thinking about and working on the issues that confront me and confront my children

i am in counseling twice a week, and Smitten is ever my stalwart coach through this process

i try to escape the madness

and posting keeps me there

lots of times i will go to post and then just end up playing a computer game to "zone out" - i play strategy games - the illusion of order within the construct of the game helps me cope

----

the kids are moving away from the fear they had/have of their mother and her tirades/rants/sessions. they (especially daughter) are becoming defiant (son was already there) of her and avoiding contact with her

they are feeling somewhat protected and sheltered

i understand the transition they are going through

----

daughter and son are in incredible muscle pain

their symptoms mirror my own

i don't think they are mimicking

i am taking them for massage and chiro and to the doctor (and exercising), but they are still in much pain

with the stbx you have no choice but to internalise your emotions because she cuts you off in all directions

i used the analogy before:

when you were a kid, did you ever encounter another kid who would "torture" a dog by cornering/crowding it, and then cutting off all means of escape - and every time the animal would try to escape they would move and block that point of escape/exit... did you ever see that one?

that's what she does in conversation

if you are angry she attacks you for being angry - if you are calm she attacks you for being disinterested or disengaged - if you are ordered and solution oriented she attacks you for being emotionless...

and on... and on... and on...

as soon as you respond to one charge or accusation she pulls the rug out from under you and throws another lie or baseless charge that has just enough of a whiff of basis in truth or actual events that you react and try to defend yourself - and then she cuts you off and/or changes topics again - and then attacks you for not answering the original question she asked - and accuses you of not being interested or caring enough to respond to her feelings - and attacks you for being off on some other topic (that she injected) and not addressing what she wanted you to

it's a no win situation

no win

not ever

she's fucking nuts

----

the kids get trapped just like me

they get suckered in time and again

please read "Sweetened Cocnut" to review an analysis of her shit...

----

sometimes we don't answer the phone

sometimes we do

sometimes i can keep the calls down to only 4-6 minutes (a great victory)

the stbx calls all the time

since the kids went away she wants more to do with them than she did while they lived with her. the kids are sick of it. as son said "before, at least, she'd just ignore me and leave me alone - now i actually have to spend time with her"

but then sometimes she's nice

and the longing they have for the mother they wish they had comes out

i understand that too

i wanted to live with "lucid [stbx]"

----

daughter has dropped her ethnic dance

that was the reason she cut herself that morning

she didn't want to go to practice that night and she didn't want to tell her mother, or her aunt, or her grandmother on that side of the family

she was worried about their disappointment and recrimination

she had no place to put her anxiety so she took it out on herself

her anxiety was well placed

after i told her mother she wants drop out

and that the cutting was a direct result of her anxiety

while she was out with her mother - less than one week later - visiting grandma and auntie

they both put extreme pressure on daughter - not once - but on two separate occasions - daughter had to defend herself from three adults sumultaneously

even after i had warned her mother about the issue and warned that it might cause another cutting episode

the stbx denies they pressured her

daughter had to stay home from school the next morning because her legs and arms were in such spasm she couldn't walk

the doctor and my massage therapist were incensed that her mother would put such pressure on daughter - and with that outcome

especially my massage therapist

she was in tears at seeing that much tension and pain in a child

----

my kids sleep a lot

son almost fell asleep in class and came home for the rest of the morning to sleep

i am trying to get him up to back for the afternoon right now

will try to post more later

a few pictures

daughter's arm on monday



what my mom made for her granddaughter (fully homemade) that was reported subsequently as "feels good in my stomach"



finally relaxing a little - she was home from school today (extreme headaches, muscle pain and spasms)

she had just eaten a bowl of the pasta (and finished an hour's massage)

----

yeah - the stbx doesn't care what she does

she just needs to fill the void inside her

she doesn't care who she destroys trying to fill her void

even if it's the people she says she loves

----

a draft excerpt from material i am writing for my lawyer - explaining what her "outbursts" are for when the courts ask what it is in her behaviour that is causing such pain in the people around her:

stbx doesn't trust that people love her. She lacks the sense of self, and the self-love to accept that she is loved and is lovable.

When she receives a demonstration of love or affection, two things will often happen that take much the same form:

1)because she doesn't truly believe that people love her, she will test them to see if they really love her, or if they are being nice to her because they want something from her. At some point the person reacts to being tested or their demonstration or statement of love and affection being challenged.

2)if she perceives the action or words to be real, because she usually feels unloved and unlovable, she wants more – and she will take actions or say things to get the giver to do more – and will ask for more as long as the person will give. At some point the giver recoils from love being demanded from them.

In each instance stbx's takeaway to her challenging whether people love her or not is that the people don't really love her or were “just being nice to her” - which then reinforces her self-image of being unloved and unlovable.

It is a vicious cycle of neediness and rejection which ends badly.

mellower

i'm way more mellow today

spent last night with Smitten. daughter and son were out at sleepovers.

got to have a night that was focused on us. even if i spent a huge amount of time talking through stuff about the kids, my mind and spirit were not with them - i was with Smitten

that freedom from total engagement was really good

because usually i fully bodily, mentally, and spiritually engaged with my kids and their situation (by bodily i mean that my body fully reflects my mood and my worry or happiness [not a lot of happiness lately])

we drank martinis, talked, watched some battlestar galactica. slept and had awesome morning sex (well, 11 am...)

a wonderful recipe for being more relaxed ;-)

(in a personally positive moment, i had only momentary erection issues - yay!!!)

----

Smitten had to get a new car. she is out doing that today.

her old car had a couple of issues that were highly problematic (starting with the head gasket).

given that she is on student loans and such right now, she ended up needing to lease rather than buy a car (can't have the asset to be eligible) - we did the costing and it will be OK - over 4 years it will cost about $2000 more than buying. she has trade in/up options if she decides to get a new vehicle after she is done her master's degree in 2.5 years

i have some cash in the bank so i loaned her some up front money to enable the whole transaction. she will be getting the last of the money from her dad's estate in the next two weeks (has the cheques in hand - just needed court documents to be able to do some bank stuff for the last disbursements) and wil pay me back.

----

son is in regular drug counseling - not that it's doing much, but he is slowing down on his use as things stabilise and as i ask him to assume more responsibility for care of his sister and for things around the apartment and in the household.

----

daughter has had her psychiatric assessment after a suicide scare on monday of this week. not an attempt but she was feeling suicidal. so she called me.

more on that later

----

i am pushing hard to get the settlement, custody, and divorce done during this period

if it's going to be fucked up, it might as well be fucked up all at once. and it will help keep the stbx destabilised if i keep hitting her with more stuff during this period.

----

daughter, at least in talking to son and i, is not happy with her mother's behaviour.

she does not want to go back.

i give her every opportunity to say she would like to. give her the option almost every day - i give her enormous wiggle room and the ability to visit or spend time with her mother.

she resists every time

she only goes when she feels trapped by obligation to go with her mom.

i think that bodes well for how we will be able to affect the outcome of the chambers hearing on my motion

with distance from her mother, daughter has slowly become more comfortable with separating from her mother

daughter is identifying more and more of the manipulation and control tactics and techniques their mother uses on them and has used on them. she is breaking the code of silence about crap that went on (including incidents of violence toward daughter) over the years (more on this later)

son is desperate to stay away from his mother (more on this later)

as daughter so eloquently expressed it one time when i was suggesting they be considerate of their mother and her desire to see them

"fuck mom"

alrighty then...

sorry i haven't posted during this whole period

i know how waiting for news about my friends (you folks and in real life) always makes me crazy - not knowing what's happening to people you care about

i'm sorry

i have been attending counseling twice a week, talking to Smitten multiple times a day, talking with the kids non-stop (helping them through what they are feeling), dealing with my parents (who mean well, but are almost like having to deal with my kids...) and thinking about the situation almost non-stop since early december

as well as all the medical and other appointments and lawyer crap

and having to talk to and deal with the stbx - more than even before - too much - aaaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!!!

it becomes almost too painful to deal with to then type it all up again for the blog

sorry - really

i think about all of you constantly - sometimes i am able to flick by your blogs in the middle of the rest of things

----

how's it going?

January 7th was supposed to be the court date but the stupid cow and her lawyer filed a motion for an extension. my lawyer said they are almost always granted, especially since there is nothing pressing and i will maintain the current arrangement which is the one i am requesting in the motion until the 23rd

i hate this

i hate the uncertainty. the worst uncertainty is for daughter - she doesn't know whether she will somehow end up back at the house for a week at a time - but now without her brother to shield her. she is playing it very cagey and tentative with her mom and "blaming" everything on me. saying she has "no choice". and that i have imposed the regime on everyone.

we agreed she should do this to protect her from the "wrath of mom" until we have something official and legal

the stbx refuses to send schedules of when she wants visits and tries to just lob herself into the mix at random - based on whether she wants company at a given moment or not. that puts the kids under pressure and gives her a point of drama and entanglement with me

i had to refuse to discuss such matters unless she sends a written schedule

its still not even a schedule - its a few sentences that almost never contain a time or place or description of event or whom will be the "supervising" or "accompanying" person. i end up having to rewrite the note and send it back with times locations pick-up and drop-off responsibilities, blah, blah, blah - passive-aggressive crap on her part

it is still only at the point when i refuse to allow her access that she even sends that - you see it also gives her an excuse to try to entangle me into phone conversations by whining and balking

there have been a couple of "must attend" events that she has been able to get me to agree to allowing verbally (then i follow up by email) - so she keeps trying to stretch the arrangements and push me - she knows how much i hate hassle and arguments and being pressured - just like my kids know i will cave on minor points just to avoid pain and hassle...

the "must attends" she has pushed on have been christmas stuff with her family and an engagement party for her nephew and daughter's dance events (and an appointment to make alterations to daughter's outfit [ethnic dance costume])

until i have the legal clout to tell her to fuck off i have to always "act in the best interest of the child". christmas and her dance are that...

aaaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!!!

it's the endless entanglement and having to even talk to her and endless rambling and circular conversations that make so crazy

it's not even the shit she pulls so much

it's the excruciating pain and suffering of having to endure her endless rambling bullshit and whining

the kids and i have talked about how this is a form of abuse - we all just hate it

----

Smitten just arrived for a late lunch

i'm at the university right now - i have resumed taking classes

so i'm going to post this because i have no idea of whether my plan to finish it this afternoon will work out

so i will post this as an incomplete narrative

see you later

all my love and best wishes to everyone

men smell bad...

at least when there is a large number of them and they are sweaty and in a locker room

honestly

i have shoveled and moved piles of rotting pig shit that smelled better than the locker room at the gym yesterday

you know how towels get that nasty rotting smell if you leave them damp?

and men's old socks are usually gross?

and how some men smell really sour bad when they sweat heavily?

mix 'em together

[barf]

for the record - i rarely smell bad

i am a freak about hygiene and personal odour

yeah - men smell bad

----

there is incredible levels of shit going on in the rest of my life, but i will post on that trajectory later tonight

assuming something else doesn't come along to fuck up my life between now and then

same old shit - just further along the path it previously was on

the day after

i tried to reach the stbx on friday afternoon. some of the elements of the arrangements require that i outline them to her. i wrote a script for the call and passed it by my lawyer who made a few adjustments

couldn't reach her

i was in a store with daughter looking for a birthday gift for her friend when the stbx called. i told her i was in a store and would call her back in 30 seconds. i went out to my vehicle and called her back

i began to read the script

she interupted

surprise

she didn't let me finish what i was going to say

she said "[cadbury], i'm in a very emotional state right now, so if you're going to say mean things to me or things that will put more pressure on me please don't."

i started read the script again

she says "before you do that i have just one question, just one question... whn i'm better, will you let me..."

i cut her off "the answer is yes. utterly yes. when you are better. when you've worked this through. that's all i've ever wanted."

she kept interrupting me as i tried to get through the script and threw me off. she's always been able to do that to me. lobbing shit out of no-where - the exact words that she knows i will have no choice but to respond to. i managed to get the salient points out of my mouth. i then cut off her babbling as i didn't want to talk and she had her lawyer on hold (call waiting).

the call took about 5 minutes

she called me a little while later while daughter and i were still out at another store.

she started babbling about shit. i tried to keep her to the key points that i am prepared to discuss with her - visitation, sunday's concert (daughter), and christmas. she went all over the map.

some key takeaways:

1) she never threatened suicide. when i pointed out that she had told daughter "the only thing keeping me from suicide is you being here". she said "oh. i guess i did say that. nbut that's how i really felt at the time."

2) after i told her daughter was on prozac and under psychiatric care (not just a counselor) daughter isn't really all that concerned about the stbx. daughter isn't really that concerned about the suicide threats or discussion. she isn't that concerned about her mother. daughter is projecting daughter's guilt about daughter's bad decisions surrounding sexuality and daughter's expression of it.

if that makes no sense... the stbx brought up an incident in which daughter was "molested" by another girl of the same age at a sleepover when daughter was about 9 (the girl stuck her fingers up there on daughter).

the stbx said "daughter has made a number of poor choices in engaging in sexual activities. i think she, like everyone, has guilt about those poor choices. i think daughter has done some things she's not proud of - things that are beyond what she's able to handle at her age. and that she's just using the suicide thing with me as a way of projecting that guilt she feels about her own poor choices. so if she needs psychiatric help i think that's why."

i was pretty flabbergasted by this statement.

she went on to tell me how the only thing that she ever asked son for was to not smoke dope in the house and to go to school. and that was uncontrollable. she did nothing else with him - left him alone to do his own thing totally. total freedom

she asked if she could call the kids to tell them she loved them.

i smelled lawyer trick. i said she could, but that she should do it sooner than later - right now - so that she didn't upset daughter while she was at her friends in a short while. that she should refrain from one of her big emotional rambles and keep it short for now.

she asked me if she shouldn't phone, and if thought it wasn't best. i told her that i would provide maximum access that wouldn't upset or rattle the kids. that she should phone.

that's her testing - our laws call for maximum access for both parents

i told her i would talk to her on saturday about picking up the dance outfit, and on monday about visitation

she called the kids, and that was the end

friday's the day

on friday my lawyer will be filing papers with the stbx's lawyer

i am filing for sole custody of my daughter - my son at age 17 has already chosen

daughter, while torn at one level, is ok with it

i asked her whether she wanted to arrange a visit with her mother on monday night (her mother works 'til 9pm) after she is off work

daughter said "i don't want her to get the idea that i want to see her"

for all the ambivalence and fear about her mother's reaction, when it comes right down to it she wants to escape her mother as much as either son or i...

tomorrow is supposed to be switchover day

i will call the stbx and tell her that daughter will not be coming over and yet one more time that the stbx should be looking at counseling

i will warn her about calling the kids - that she is enjoined from unsupervised contact with them - that calling them (or me) repeatedly will constitute harassment

more later - i just don't have it in me to write a swack of stuff

there is so much going on between all of us and the swirl and chaos is all encompassing

----

"i don't want to set the world on fire
i just want to light a flame in your heart"

clarification

my ex assaulted me when i tried to pick up my daughter (friday was switchover day)

she struck me in the head and chest with her fists and lunged at and shoved me

in front of the kids

----

she had been in an altercation with my daughter earlier in the day when stbx pretended to be going to leave the house "I'm just leaving. i'm leaving and you and your father can live in this house with [Smitten] and i'll just disappear - you'll never see me again. you've made your choices. now live with them."

high drama

then she turned to leave

and daughter grabbed her and they scuffled

high drama - all aimed at pressuring my daughter to stay with stbx full time. to move two provinces away with the stbx.

stbx had pressured daughter into agreeing to move. but that wasn't enough. in almost the exact scenario i had to deal with the night i left the stbx, agreeing to "stay" wasn't good enough. she had to have more. so it wasn't enough to have daughter agree to move, but daughter had to immediately agree to stay full time with stbx - and start immediately. because stbx has to have it now - and have it all.

there are only her needs - and no-one else's

once again, stbx overplayed her hand. she took her eye off the ball of the eventual goal of having daughter move with her and got greedy - and in doing so she will have likely lost her endgame.

----

i explained to my kids that my decision to report the incident to the police is not motivated out of malice or revenge. that i was not out to "get" their mother or punish her. that i would not be going all "hardcore" on her. that my intent is to see if i can get their mother the help she needs through the courts and family services. get my children the intervention and support they need. force a few of my ideas on counselling and healthy options on the whole scenario (oddly - my ideas mirror public policy in this province... who'd 'a' thunk it?)

son says that he wishes that i would go hardcore. wishes that i would turn the screws hard. he says that he believes she is a sociopath and that her public fuck-upedness is a cover for a devious, manipulating, and malicious interior. he says he believes that she is "evil" (yes - that word).

daughter and i disagreed with son. we think she's just fucked up.

----

i explained to the kids that i had been thinking through the implications for a day. and that i had made my choice based on stepping back for a moment and thinking about all those papers and manuals i had written about how to deal with relationship violence. that if it wasn't me and it wasn't our family. if i was a woman and not a man - what would i say should be done.

and the answer was immediate.

i had to report it.

----

i thought about what my children witnessed - and the reports i have read over the years about children witnessing family violence

and now it's happened to mine

if my daughter was ever assaulted by a boyfriend or husband (or wife, if she goes fully that way) she will have at least one moment of modeling that has to do with being resolute and not caving in

----

my daughter said that she had been considering committing suicide earlier friday. that Alex - the friend of son's that is still staying at the house - came in and saw her and said "[Daughter] - what the fuck? Don't do that."

daughter says she blames herself for the scenario in which her mother would leave or abandon her.

i am still trying to extract some details about the situation, but have had difficulty because the kids have had friends around constantly since the incident.

if my daughter is moving toward suicidal thoughts i need to keep her away from the stbx

i am seeing social services and may lawyers on monday - until the stbx is in treatment i am going to try to keep daughter full-time until she is more stable.

we'll see if i can get around the stbx's lies and poor me story

a huge chunk of me believes that by the end of this, i will be the one in jail... from her lies

but my head prevails - i have to see this through

luckily i have a some aces in the sleeve

Alex and my son

and my daughter

and Chris - the guy who used to live there last year

all can provide proof of the stbx's whackedness

and because this is the police and assault and the domestic violence unit, this will alter daughter's behaviours and propensity to cover for her mother

daughter doesn't want to move away. she doesn't want to go with her mother - and even though she may actually love her mother - or may be even more stockholm syndrome than me

i think that given the proper cover and the proper "i couldn't lie" defense for why she told the truth - daughter will spill the beans

----

i think i am going to puke now...