settlement pending (maybe...)

(Readers: if you spot a real name or location or company name please let me know immediately so i can remove it)

----

SUPER LONG POST WARNING

----

mediation is theoretically complete - that is the "Agreement provisions" noted below

i am down about $4,000 - $7,000 from the last agreement arrived at in June. why? because i agreed to assume several more little pieces of debt and shit because i just want it all done.

and the bitch actually had the nerve to try to shake my hand at the end of that session - after jerking me around since June. And then gypping me out of several thousand more dollars after torturing me for the whole summer with her: now i'm buying you out, now we're selling, no we're not, now i'm buying you out, now we're selling, now i'm refusing to answer phone calls from your lawyer, my lawyer, the mediators... runaround.

why can't we just go to court? because there is a legal requirement (written right into the law) for mediation in the event of agreement impasse in separation. the government pays for the mediation and provides departmental mediators for free - but the courts generally require mediation and "good faith" negotiation before accepting any petition on a settlement.

she pushes every boundary

she only went back to mediation because I, my lawyers, her lawyers, AND the mediators threatened her if she didn't

i want away from her so bad

i cannot stand the chaos she brings to everything

she ups the volume at every turn because that is all she knows how to do

even the mediators don't want to deal with her anymore. her lawyers don't want to deal with her. this is her third set of lawyers. they even had to move her from the more junior lawyer who was handling her in her law firm to the most senior because she is so psychotic and unstable.

and my lawyers...

they all (mine, hers, the mediators) pressured me to just accept the lower price because their estimation is that with her crap it will end up costing me way more even if i'm already taking a low-ball right now

also, the possibility exists that when they get some additional staff at her work that her workplace might put pressure on her about her bullshit there

i want an agreement signed that will prevent her from suing for support and i want it signed fast before she has a breakdown (a real potential in my estimation - and i know her better than anyone else in the world)

(and before i have a breakdown)

she is demanding there be provisions in the agreement that i can't touch her pesnion - i am using that as cover to remove all future support rights and such from the final legal agreement - we have to explicitly waive all those rights under local law. our divorce laws are the stuff of fantasy for liberal activists in the U.S. - all equitable and decent and fair and protecting and negotiation promoting and conciliation demanding. good stuff when one of the parties is not psycho... i support the laws. i helped write the policy that created them. being the good socialist i am, i thought (and still do) that it is the most solid protection for spouses and children.

but not for me. with a psycho ex. and a system designed to protect women who most often get the wrong end of the stick. which i believe in.

it just hasn't helped me

----

i am using narcotics like candy - well, that's an exaggeration - but being the abstemious user of alcohol and drugs i usually am, my current usage pattern bothers me a lot (pot [most nights before sleep] and codeine). i'm on on muscle relaxants and another variety of pain blocker. i could get a prescription and be fully legal for the marijuana since it's a standard treatment option for fibromyalgia in Canada. i am still considering that option, but i don't have the will or the emotional/psychological capability to deal with the complicated legal requirements when i can get good quality local organic shit with a single phone call. and i don't intend to stay on it beyond the point when my pain dies down. hopefully once the agreement is done and the divorce is done - i didn't need anything (prescription or otherwise) for the first 8 months after leaving the cow

(all apologies to my bovine friends - it is insulting to them to compare her to cows. i like cows. i like dogs. i like pigs and other animals too [not so much cats, but i still play with them and enjoy them]. but i digress...)

pot nowadays is way stronger than when i actually smoked much in the past...

i take about 4 drags from my pipe - a pinch immediately before sleep. that way my usage pattern is about altering sleep and not about the fun of being high [later edit]a gram, or 1/28th of an ounce lasts me a couple of weeks or more even when i am using it each night[/edit]

i am under doctor supervision on all of this (though unofficial on the pot because of the legal issues), under counseling supervision, under psychiatric supervision (even my kids' psychiatrists are working to help me survive because they believe i am the only hope for my kids - and because they need a sane parent to deal with [the stbx is afraid to go near a psychiatrist and makes a lot of excuses to stay away from them]).

it aggravates me that i can't seem to be able to force a psychiatric review of the stbx

my lawyers and the counselors and the psychiatrists tell me that because she gives "good interview" that she would pretty much ace an independent assessment. and that they can't testify because of the fact that they are in conflict or already providing care or some shit - and that it has to be done by an "independent third party with no interest"

and that her psychosis only shows up after you've dealt with her for some months...

that i could force it, and subpoena them and such, but that they would be bound to fight the orders because of their legal position on patient privacy and confidentiality otherwise... and the kids' psychiatrists are government (department of health/health region) staff with the legal resources of government to help fight any order i might try to get. and the medical association, and the counselors association and the psychiatrists association would have to get intervenor status against me too...

because institutionally they have to protect their general position from super assholes who would interfere for not good reasons

they are all very sorry. and so are their lawyers. whom they say they have spoken too. and i believe them. because we had to support a couple of these kinds of cases when we were still in government (16 years). because the larger institutional protection is more important in the long run...

so,

i'm not going to win

so i will suck it up and try to get the best deal i can

as i said to one of the mediators (paraphrased because i don't have exact wording with me right now):

"this is classic stbx - agree to something, when finally forced, then make the whole process so passive aggressive and aggravating and so torturous and painful that she gets her way in the end"

----

From: [cadbury]
Subject: Re: Personal & Confidential

On Wed, Sep 16, 2009 at 10:00:51AM -0600, [lawyer's assistant] wrote:
> From: [lawyer's assistant]
> Subject: Personal & Confidential
>
> The following is being sent on behalf of [lawyer]:
>
>
> [cadbury],
> Further to instructions received, we note that the Agreement provisions we received did not deal with custody of the children, child support, or spousal support. We have prepared a draft Agreement, including those items, for your review. Once you have had an opportunity to review this, we look forward to discussing whether we can proceed to forward this to [stbx lawyer] for his review.

Children:

5c: some language that:

we agree that we may make holiday arrangements months or even years in advance, especially in regard to travel.

some other language that says that each of us will not unreasonably withhold permission for children to travel outside of [province] - especially outside of Canada

(i intend to take the kids to Europe next year, and my parents go to Texas in the winter and we might want to go there)

Personal Property:

[stbx] has tried to edit/cull which photos i get access to already. is this language strong enough? She may claim that a picture that just has her and the kids in it is not a family photo... please rethink with a mind toward her actively trying to screw me over on getting copies of ALL the photos

Family Home:

this section is wrong

[stbx]is buying me out for the sum of $nnn,nnn

I am taking my name off the title

she will pay for the transfer of title and all the costs associated with closing out the existing primary mortgage

she will deal with any tax issues

there are only two things that will come out of the $nnn,nnn - NO OTHER ADJUSTMENTS!!! (one exception - an adjustment up for her paying half the cost of creating this agreement) I want to pay for absolutely nothing else. She is already getting a way better deal than she should

the two things that will be paid - and i would like them paid by [law firm] and proof of the payment and such being sent to her lawyers and all appropriate parties

1) the line of credit will be paid out and canceled - both names are on it so she/we will need to sign some kind of document that authorises you folks to pay it out and close it.

2) the payment of $2400 to my parents

under 19

do we need to list any of the debts? eg [cadbury] VISA, MC [stbx] VISA

----

New provision:

[stbx] agrees to pay half the cost of creating this agreement

----

Divorce:

can we sign any appropriate papers with regard to getting divorced at the same time? would doing it all at once expedite the process?

if we could wrap everything up at the same time that would be super swell



----

From: [cadbury]
Subject: Re: Personal & Confidential


two other things that need to be addressed in the agreement:

1) currently we have an agreement that i use [son] as the equivalent to spouse (or whatever it's called now) and [stbx] uses [daughter].

[son] turns 18 on Nov 5, so that is the end of that deduction

i need advice as to what the best way to handle the remaining deduction.

do we each claim half (if that's possible) or does one of us claim her wholly and pay the other parent half the net deduction?

i assume you folks have the accounting/tax/whatever expertise in shop to answer that question

if you have to go outside for the advice - by all means (billable...)

the solution on this one should be equitable for both [stbx] and I

2) [son] is a minor for 2 more months. i want additional language in the agreement that the settlement covers the value of support payments for Sept, Oct, Nov of this year for [son]. he has been living full time with his mom since about June.

i also want to know whether I am obligated for support payments after he turns 18.

he is supposed to be working. he dropped out of high school and has been sitting on his ass since May smoking pot in his mom's basement because i told him to leave my place (he refused to even wash his own dishes or the dishes of his friends [and there were a lot of them...] or even pick up after himself [even when given several days to get around to it]). he refused to apply for jobs, then got one through a friend (and got fired for not showing up and being late all the time).

he will theoretically be finishing his grade 12 through web classes and theoretically working at least part-time.

i don't want to pay shit for him.

not that i wouldn't be glad to at a moments notice. i offered to buy him a car if he would just motivate himself enough to get his license. i offered to pay for private lessons since he managed to not have enough motivation to sign up for the driver training offered through his school. none of which has come to pass... he won't even ask him mom (who works at [licensing bureau/government owned insurance company]) to bring home a driver training manual from work (how much less effort could there be than that?)

i have withdrawn my offer to buy a car ($3000 contribution offer - from age 14 to May of this year)

i offered to pay tutors (he's french immersion) and/or tutor him myself to get him through the end of his grade 12. he refused/demurred. i offered to pay half the tuition for his university/[tech institute] computer multimedia course ($14,000.00 total tuition). i said i would pay all of it and then push/file suit on his mom for the other half if she resisted paying. and pay for books. but he needed to finish his grade 12.

i said i would pay for any post-secondary course he wanted to take in [our city], and would let him live with me and pay his food and such. but he had to do his own dishes... and finish his grade 12

i said i would pay for any tutors or help he needed

have i mentioned that he is a certified and tested genius?

as for action by him on any of the above... nada

i offered to take as many days off work as needed to drive him to everywhere he might want to apply for work.

i offered to drive him to school every morning (and used to).

i paid (and still pay) for bus tickets so he can theoretically have transport to look for work

i offered to buy and/or repair a bicycle

i have offered to back and support with time and money and intercession any efforts he might make toward school or work and/or counseling and/or medical treatment. all have been rejected

after leaving the caucus office June 2008, i went back to university. i dropped out of my classes twice (fall and winter semesters) because of the emotional problems my kids were having so that i could spend time with them ([son]'s breakdown and [daughter]'s cutting/depression/suicide watch). i stayed home full-time to help them - help him - [daughter] pulled herself up - but [son] - pot and attitude only

my parents keep offering him work at their place so he would have even a bit of work and dignity of income/work

----

i don't want to support [son]

i love him so deeply, but....

i will not support him until he makes even a token effort to help himself. i have done EVERYTHING possible - even my counselors have told me that i am doing too much to help him - but even that is not enough

i don't want to pay child support for [son]

----

i don't know if it is relevant, but i currently pay for [son] and [daughter]'s cell phones (about $50.00/mo each), and I also pay for their gym club memberships (contracts) that they have stopped using (about $55/mo each)

things

some things going on:

1) mediation with stbx. she reneged on the buy-out that she agreed to. then she said she'd sell. then she reneged on that. now she is refusing to give any idea of how she wants to proceed. we are back in mediation.

the whole aggravating tale is for another post.

2) got into a fistfight with son on saturday. he agreed to apply for A job. that's it - just one if he could borrow some cash and such (about $20). he didn't do it. i told him i would cut off his cell phone if he didn't by 5pm saturday. i told him i would drive him to go apply for the job. i told him i would come and pick him up from the house. i phoned him 4 times over a two hour period to get him out of bed to be ready to go. he wasn't when i got there at about 3:30pm. he lipped me off something serious. i asked him if he wanted to go. he said "what are the rules?" i said "the rules are you and me right here, right now."

and we fought is that fucking garage. i hate that place

it wasn't that bad - my knees are worse for wear and he has some serious bruising on his abdomen...

but it was a little shocking it had to come to that

at some point i have to establish a boundary. and with young men (i still remember being one) this is sometimes the way boundaries have to be established. especially since i have established none in the past with my kids - they pretty much got what they wanted, and i pretty much forgave all their bullshit.

more on this later as well

3) i've "lost my religion"

my philosophical underpinnings for life...

i've become unmoored from them. this is a bigger deal for me than it may read.

this is really fucking me up

the world doesn't work the way i think it should

it's not a nice place

it's not a nice place turned bad because aome selfish people

it's just selfish to begin with - and doesn't want to become better. people don't want to find their way to the new Jerusalem - they don't want to "build a new Jerusalem in our green and pleasant land"

my children are selfish

they have betrayed me

and they do not see the way to the new Jerusalem either

----

i have to leave for mediation now

i am utterly

"whatever you guys did..."

There is a woman at work. She is the "excitable" type.

She works in medical records and is a "fussy" kind of person. Very high strung. Anything that deviates from the exact norm is a crisis and a cause for a total flap.

Well, pretty much anything is the cause for a flap.

Something she does, no matter what happens, is blame me, or someone else, but usually me for the event. And I've only been here since May...

If the computer has an issue - often fixed by a reboot, her comment is "I don't know what you've [changed/done], but now it's not working."

Today I was following the fire extinguisher inspection guy around the building getting to know all the extinguisher stations around the building. Fire safety is now my responsibility too. Part of the "man about the house" component of my job, I guess. It happens more and more regularly. The only other guys are a doctor and a contract instructor who always hides in his office. So I am the "man on call" working with 54 women. Most (3/4) of whom are between the ages of 45 and 60 - but I digress...

I just got a call from her.

"[Cadbury], I don't know what you guys did to it when you were looking at the extinguisher this morning, but it's now fallen off the wall and it doesn't look like there is any way of re-attaching it."

I'm excited by the fact that she personalises every problem as being directly the result of my actions.

I will go look. I will find out that the extinguisher was mounted on drywall and the screws pulled out - just like one of the other stations i put in for repair today.

[put out]
And it's my fault. Of course.
[/put out]

[LATER EDIT]

When I went down to look at what had happened, she accurately identified the fact that the inspector had pivoted the extinguisher in its bracket. She also identified the fact that a heavy extinguisher was mounted just into drywall and not properly mounted. She helpfully advised me that she had taken note of the bracket in the lab which is also precarious and suggested I check the mountings on the rest of the building.

all good

all valid

all presented decently and appropriately

and i appreciate her pointing out the issues - really - i do. i need extra eyes - i am not everywhere.

but the initial call really put me off

i'm still the new guy here. i'm still edgy about being fingered as not knowing what i'm doing. which in an unfortunate number of instances, i don't.

because there is no documentation

i mean none

i got half a day's training on their systems

i am left to figure everything out on my own

and even with these inspections today. i get called at 9:20am for a 10am inspection and told i will just tag along with our 2nd in command (she is in charge while the executive director is on holidays). at 10am i'm told i'm on my own and to just handle it with the guy.

i have no clue where all the extinguishers are. they had no list. no map. i made the first list they have had. i had to go look for them in every area while he did each inspection.

i felt like a dumbass

like i do so often

good thing i was in politics and can fake aplomb in any situation - even when my boss had been publicly fired and is front page news or another has been charged with a criminal offense - both real situations i had to handle in the face of hostile media and police investigation(s)... but i digress (again)

so, i've put it on the work orders to fix the brackets

and realised that now that i am the "fire guy", in addition to being the computer dude, and the privacy officer, and toilet plunger, and toilet fixer, and dripping tap fixer, and the heating and cooling guy, and the on-call in the event of an alarm guy (during and after hours), and the pick-up the patient that fell in the bathroom guy, and the muscle in the event of a crazy person guy,

i am also the materials safety in the event of fire guy

which means i have to learn the WHMIS (Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System) for all the chemicals and crap in the clinic. which they only have a vague set-up for - mostly for stuff in the lab. they don't even have a proper listing of their hazardous materials (including specialised cleaning solvents and stuff for the x-ray machine and developer) and don't have an off-site nearby record of the specific location of any of the radioactive materials on site

"Why would we need that?"

FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

excuse me, but do you think that maybe the firemen who come to save your ass are going to want to know whether or not there are radioactive materials on fire nearby? do you think that it would be good to make sure that we have pre-notified materials location with the fire department? so that it comes up when we make the panicked 911 call? or they arrive in the middle of the night when there is no-one around to tell them about the radioactive materials they are about to breathe in?

i have an idea - do you have a binder or folder that contains the details of the last fire inspection and any of the notes?

fuck

good thing the stbx had a bizarro stupid unorganised situation with WHMIS stuff at her workplace some years ago and I helped her and her workmates write up their management requests to fix up their WHMIS and safety stuff - so i actually know something about all of this (stbx and her crew are all wrench and "fixer" people - not professional writers (one of the various things i do in life...). management had been ignoring their requests until i turned it into proper memo - then it became an emergency [yes - i am a communications god]).

([sotto voce] but i didn't ever provide any support to the stbx [eye-roll])

but again, i digress

i felt like an idiot

i had a person whose tone and words were shaped to make me feel that way

i have been given little documentation and am having to develop all my own shit

----

thanks for reading while i blow off a little steam

unbelievable... more stbx stupidity (not an abort)

Subject: unbelievable... more stbx stupidity (not an abort)


the stbx says that she told me in a phone call

that "all you had to do was go to land titles and take your name off the property and you would have had your money already"

bullshit

had she said anything like that i would have taken the steps immediately

fucking lying bitch

lies to the kids

lies to me

lies to her family

lies to everyone

unbelievable

----

Subject: Re: unbelievable... more stbx stupidity (not an abort)

she is very self serving, and probably believes that she actually told you this. Remember that she is a delusional addict.

Something is up - and I bet that whatever her plans for the future are, are going positively ahead. And so she will completely forget or minimize all the nasties of the past that she has done, as she focuses on the/her future... Which, depends upon her selling the house easily.
The only reason she is selling is because it is meeting her needs.

As long as she is getting what she wants, it does not matter about anyone else. Immediate gratification.

You are well rid of her.



----

On Mon, Aug 31, 2009 at 12:57:49PM -0600, Smitten wrote:
> > From: Smitten
> > Subject: Re: unbelievable... more stbx stupidity (not an abort)
> > she is very self serving, and porobably believes that she actually told
> > you this. Remember that she is a delusional addict.

> > Cadbury wrote:
>> > >the stbx says that she told me in a phone call
>> > >that "all you had to do was go to land titles and take your name off the
>> > >property and you would have had your money already"

i looked through my records. i received this:
(i just realised thaqt [male mediator] didn't send me information he received on the 20th of July until August 4th - i will be asking them how that worked when i call them this afternoon)

----

Date: Tue, 04 Aug 2009 07:30:05 -0600
From: [male mediator]
Subject: Fw: update
To: [cadbury]


----- Original Message -----
From: [stbx]
To: [male mediator]
Sent: Monday, July 20, 2009 4:18 PM
Subject: update

> >I went to the bank on Friday, currently I am waiting to see if I am
> >approved for the amount. The loans officer will have a couple options
> >for
> >Cadbury If I buy him out. He is also on the title to the property so he
> >will have to be willing to go to Land Titles and remove his name off
> >the property . I will keep in touch.

----

Date: Thu, 06 Aug 2009 06:33:17 -0600
From: [male mediator]
Subject: Re: Mediation Summary 3
To: [cadbury]

Morning Cadbury
I spoke to [stbx] on August 4th. Her loans officer at the bank went on Holidays. [stbx] was going to phone on the 5th and see when she was back or if she was back. The Bank had required more financial information. My suggestion for [stbx] is once the finanacing is approved, [stbx] seek advice from her laywer, and the have your lawyers draw up a matriomonial property.agreement. I sense she is still not totally
certain what to do. She seems to want to focus on the parenting issues first.
>From our conversation, I think another meeting should be scheduled to discuss parenting for [daughter] and [son].

----

Date: Sat, 08 Aug 2009 09:22:50 -0600
From: [male mediator]
Subject: Re: more information
To: [stbx]

Morning [stbx].
I received an email from Cadbury.
His perspective.
If there is no agreement in principle prior to you going on vacation. His settlement proposal increases to $117,500 on September 1/09, $120,000.00 October 1/09 and so on.
Cadbury is not prepared to have any discussions of other topics unless there is an offer on the table from you re the matrimonial property settlement..
If there is no response from you prior to you leaving on vacation, Cadbury is prepared to attend one more mediation session.
I will be available this weekend by email or cell [telephone] or in the office on Monday at [telephone]
----- Original Message -----
From: [stbx]
To: [male mediator]
Sent: Thursday, August 06, 2009 11:27 PM
Subject: more information


> >
> >I made a call to my bank today, I will be calling them back tomorrow.
> >I
> >am going on vacation on the August 10th till the end of August. I am
> >hoping to get you as much information as possible by tomorrow.
> >

----

Date: Mon, 10 Aug 2009 09:32:34 -0600
From: stbx
Subject: Re: more information
To: [male mediator]

I did alot of thinking this weekend and have decided to sell the house. Cadbury can use his agent and put the house for sale. I will be staying in town a few days to clean up a bit. It would help if he removed the items of his out of the garage.

----
Subject: Re: unbelievable... more stbx stupidity (not an abort)

Ah, because she thinks you are a mind reader, she believes that her quote of

"He is also on the title to the property so he will have to be willing to go to Land Titles and remove his name off the property . I will keep in touch."

means in her mind that she gave you permission to do that (take your name off) and therefore she intended to buy you ou. She forgot that she said she would "be in touch " and didn't close the loop to this possible action.

She morphed this email sentence into a make believe conversation that she had with you (probably because she had been thinking about it so much).

It also gives her an easy out so she doesn't have to give you more money in case the house doesn't sell or whatever.(in the event that she has to buy you out).

This is not surprising to me.

[HISTORY]

Subject: mediation question [again] has [stbx] contacted you?
Date: Fri, 31 Jul 2009 15:31:14 -0600
From: [cadbury]
To: [male mediator]

this is my third email

i tried to call the office (###.####) and there is no answer

i left a voice message with humans who answered the phone last
week asking for some kind of response

and what have i heard from anyone?

nothing

nada

i have not contacted [stbx] directly because the point of having
intermediaries is to avoid the likely conflict and escalation of a call
from me to her

is anyone willing to shed some light on the situation?

has [stbx] contacted you?

have you contacted her as per the minutes of the last session?

she is leaving the city next week for the rest of the month. am i just
twisting in the wind yet again?

what is going on?

i am extremely frustrated with this situation and how i am being not
being informed

someone could have at least told me that there was no information

but instead i'm just sitting here

waiting

like i have for the last 3 years

while i get jerked around yet one more time

just like the last two summers

i've seen this movie before

good work

----

Subject: Re: Mediation Summary 3
Date: Thu, 06 Aug 2009 18:13:40 -0600
From: [cadbury]
To: [male mediator]

[male mediator] wrote:
> Morning [cadbury]
> I spoke to [stbx]on August 4th. Her loans officer at the bank went on Holidays. stbx was going to phone on the 5th and see when she was back or if she was back. The Bank had required more financial information.
> My suggestion for [stbx] is once the finanacing is approved, stbx seek advice from her laywer, and the have your lawyers draw up a matriomonial property.agreement. I sense she is still not totally certain what to do. She seems to want to focus on the parenting issues first.
>> From our conversation, I think another meeting should be scheduled to
> discuss parenting for [daughter] and [son].

let me be as clear as i can be:

there will be NO discussion of any topics until i have an offer on the table from [stbx]

i am sick of her jerking my leash - this is exactly what she has done every other time. agree in principle to my generous offer of less than half, and then pull the plug when it comes to doing the deed

if [stbx] leaves on vacation without a proper response - that is, having visited her bank and having gotten approval in principle of the buy-out and me being able to confim that with her bank - or her having a letter from the bank confirming the arrangement in principle - if she leaves without that - the price of a settlement goes up from $115000 to $117500. on September 1 the price goes up to $120000. October 1, $122500 - and so on.

if i am left sitting with no response while [stbx] goes on vacation, i will allow for one more session on her return. if there is no resolution at that point i will withdraw from mediation and go for half

fully half. half my debt goes to her, half her pension goes to me. and so on

i will burn as many dollars as it takes

this is no longer about the money

this is another example of the abuse that [stbx] has heaped on me for years - and now she is doing it again

----

as for talking about the welfare of the kids?

the best thing for the welfare and well being of the kids is for me to have a house

as for discussions on parenting, the only question i have is how [daughter] (13 years old) managed to have sex in [daughter's] bedroom at 10:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning at [stbx] place with a 17 year old boy who had stayed overnight, and how is it that [stbx] was not on top of that situation

pretty pathetic

----

but - still - there will be no discussion of any topic until i have an offer as stated above

if that offer arrives before she leaves i will have my lawyers draw up an agreement

[/END HISTORY]

i love this

i love dogs

this is totally the sort of thing i do with dogs and small children [heh]

yeah - it's been one of those weeks/months/years...

i'm fixed and so is smitten. i'll leave it up to you to guess whom this was for...

speaking of her, here's her arm as of today:



and here's the other one - if you look closely you can see the vague outlines of where she carved HAPPY in her arm in between the two currently prominent lines



----

we're talking. she talks about having had sex with this guy. i ask her whether she used protection. she says no. then she says she doesn't remember.

i take her to planned parenthood right away and get her Plan B.

i was doing OK. sort of. sort of OK.

not anymore

i don't know what to do

----

i kicked my son out.

i had given him notice of eviction and warning after warning and he refused to do any shit around here.

so i told him that if he wasn't prepared to do what he must - maybe it would be better for our relationship if he left.

he is trying to figure out where he will go.

because making sure that:

1) his laundry is off the floor (as in the living room floor - not even his room)
2) he does his own dishes and his friends' dishes instead of coming in, eating all my food, feeding his fuckwad friends, and then all of them leaving their dishes everywhere on every surface and on the floor - and then when i bitch about it saying "it was your choice to clean them up - i would have" but when i point out that dishes are often left for days he says "and it takes how long for you to clear enough space to work?"
3) i always have enough space to cook and eat
4) his dope paraphernalia is never left out and visible
5) they don't smoke dope in my apartment
6) friends are not allowed over after 11pm on days i work the next day
7) i always know where he is - he is to let me know

yeah - all of those brutal rules. strangling him.

----

it doesn't get any better than this

blogroller sucks

so i removed it from this page and installed the google widget instead

i'll do some formatting monkeying later

blogroller's ad-bar pissed me off - plus it wasn't giving me good feeds and showing when people actually updated their blogs

mediation and getting my stuff back

had a mediation session on friday

it was the first joint mediation session. she went in at 9 a.m. and i went in at 9:45 a.m.

each of us had a private session with the two mediators first - there are now two mediators assigned to our case because they expect it to be difficult to handle (and least that's what i found out during the various sessions that morning).

i had already prepared my agenda

i was asking for a series of items. my plan was that i would start with things she couldn't say no to and then work my way into stuff that was more controversial.

we went into to joint session. they explained the rules of how everything works, and then had us sign the mediation agreement. it's court ordered and the government pays the whole shot. it's cheaper than court, and has a more successful resolution record than people going straight into the courts.

they talked to us about not discussing the mediation or negotiations with the kids. the stbx was full of platitudes about letting children be children, blah, blah, blah

they put up our respective wish lists for mediation outcomes on the wall.

my wish list started with me getting back various of my personal effects that i have been unable to collect for the last three years - items that i brought into the marriage. it then dealt with the other aspects of the settlement.

the STBX's list dealt entirely with joint parenting issues

it was funny because the mediators asked for us to decide who was going to go first. the stbx said i should go first since she had gone first every other time.

i had no idea of what she was talking about, but i went first (she later complained that all the discussion was about my issues and not her's...)

i asked for my personal photos back (pre-marriage), and a number of other items i had brought in with me. i also asked for various items my family had given us.

the stbx just about had a shit fit. she didn't want to give anything. she snorted and was dismissive of my requests - saying that anything i was talking about was all junk and old and that it wasn't worth anything anyway so why would i want it. she belittled the property issues i raised as being not worthy of consideration when there were weightier matters of child rearing to be considered.

except she started crying and yelling when i raised any of the property that i wanted to get or discuss.

the mediators told her that whether she thought it was important or not, eventually it would have to be discussed and that she had granted me the opportunity to speak first

she went completely ballistic when i asked to be able to go through to house to see what stuff was there because i didn't remember what all we had, and i thought a walk through would jog my memory. the stbx offered to take and send me pictures and i could try and remember what i want from them.

i said that was unacceptable and that it would hardly facilitate being able to look through a few of the drawers and shelving units.

i wanted to be able to tag items for discussion of disposition

she started accusing me of having robbed her numerous times already and that me entering the house would "violate" her. she complained that she didn't get to walk through my place and see what i had taken from her already.

when i asked what i had robbed her of she backed down and said she was speaking about being robbed emotionally and robbed of the life she had planned to live. she said i had already taken everything i wanted but kept coming back for more. i asked her which items that i had taken to set up my apartment that she had an issue with - the answer: none. she couldn't answer why she would say that i had everything i wanted when i had documentation and her own admission that she had stalled for almost 3 years on even giving me back my personal effects...

she started raising her voice more and crying and crap

the mediators had to ask me to leave the room so they could talk to the stbx one on one.

they got her calmed down

they were going to shut down the session for the day, but i told them that is they wanted any buy in from the stbx she had to be allowed to say her piece or she would them torpedo the whole process as biased against her

so she did her rant. she is still on the joint parenting thing and wanting to be able to call me at any time on parenting issues

i put the kibosh on that citing her past misuse of such calls to bring up relationship issues and history instead of dealing with parenting issues

she wants to send daughter out of province for most of the summer to her sister's place.

the mediators kept telling her that she couldn't change her requests and demands in the middle of the session - that she had to ask for something and stick with that request

----

blah, blah, blah

it was the usual stbx insanity

----

she finally capitulated to all of my requests - almost screaming she doesn't care and that she can pick up replacements for everything at the salvation army

she kept mentioning this dresser set that my parents gave us that she refinished - she has been supposed to give it to me for just about 3 years now - saying that it isn't worth anything and she doesn't even know why i would want it or anything else in the house and that it's not even worth discussing so why are we discussing it

as i said (the old saying) to the mediators after the session was done "If they say it's not about the money - it's about the money"

the stbx has been bagging about money since the day we met - and certainly since we got married. it's almost all she ever talks to the kids about - that she's terrified she'll have to pay support

she got daughter to ask me not to tell the mediators that daughter is staying with me more time than the stbx - because then stbx would have to pay child support. i did not bend to that request and even brought up that she had already been trying to negotiate through the kids - a nice contrast to her mealy mouthed platitudes from earlier - about not involving the kids

she ranted and we talked about talking

talked about parenting

and that was that

----

the outcome that i got was that she agreed to give me my stuff back - the stuff i had listed. they pinned her down on a day and time - sunday 12 noon - she tried so hard to resist setting a time and date but capitulated because she knew she couldn't get out of giving my stuff back

she tried to say i could have picked it up any time in the last three years, and that she didn't know why i hadn't just come over and gotten it - but then tried to get out of actually setting a date and time for me to get it

really - that kind of digging in her heels over a carved african chest and my personal pre-marriage photos, a food processor, and some chairs. I asked for a warming oven my mom gave us and an antique table she had loaned us.

you'd think it was the end of the fucking world

most of the stuff i asked for was in the storage room anyway - so it's not like i was taking something she needed

i even offered that she could keep the dresser and chest of drawers until she had obtained replacements.

it occurred to me later in the day that her emo shit fit and tearful breakdown had conveniently and successfully derailed the setting of a day for me to come in and tag the place

----

anyway, when the session was done they asked me to stay and her to leave - saying that they have a rule (which they do) about not letting clients leave at the same time

they talked to me a bit more about the stuff that had occurred. here i'm munging some of the conversation while the stbx was having her emo fit and the end talk, but they discussed various things with me.

i think that because i am SOOOOOOO level headed and calm in such settings, and because i know all the jargon they use for mediation, they stepped outside their required neutrality and let some of their opinions show through

some money quotes/paraphrases:

"I think you are over this... but she's certainly not."

"We are having difficulty figuring out what she wants because she changes what she says between intake, her solo session earlier and during the joint session."

i had to explain that stbx often has 4 or 5 different opinions on any subject (often opposed to the other opinion she holds) and that she will pluck the position and idea out of midair at any moment that it is convenient to back up whatever she thinks she wants at that moment - and that she will change in a minute and think nothing of it

we talked a fair bit more about some of the behaviours she had displayed and that i predicted she would display during intake and the solo time

i had predicted most of them accurately

they said they thought i was exaggerating at the time, but not anymore

----

i went over to the stbx's on sunday to pick up the stuff and discovered that she had left the garage filled with shit

i assumed she wanted me to take it all, because it was stuff i had bought or had been given by my family - or that she just didn't want anymore

i only took the items we had discussed (i additionally took a couple of very small things that my mom had given me - childhood memory stuff - that had not been formally discussed). i left everything else.

i figured:

1) it was a trap

2) it was a passive aggressive tantrum

3) i had not allocated time to move all the crap she had dumped in the garage

i took the agreed stuff

as for the rest, i left it there

i also figured it would infuriate her

which it did

i was amused to receive her phone calls later that day. i hit ignore on my cell phone.

i picked up a message later on in which she said she had put the stuff out there and that if i didn't pick it up that day (the same day) that she would call junk removal people and have them haul it away

i called her and told her that if she did that i would file theft charges with the police, as well as a complaint of destruction of property

she beaked away at me and i stuck to my lines

- we hadn't discussed it
- she didn't leave a note
- she didn't call me until after the fact to tell me she thought i should take it, even though she had phoned the day before (saturday) to tell me she was putting the dresser, chest of drawers, and night table out.

i then told her that i would assume that i should consider all the aitems she put in the garage as tagged by her as for discussion of disposition and that we would discuss them at the same time as i came over to inspect and tag inside the house

she said "you mean you still want to do that? i put everything you would want out there already. there's nothing left that you would want."

i said that i thought it was pretty presumptuous for her to assume she knew what i would want

she snarled "well, if you're still going to do that, it had better be in the next couple of days so i can get on with the rest of my life."

i said "sure" and dropped the call.

----

FYI - the idea of tagging the items in the house is meant as both the quickest way to take care of the discussion and as a method of infuriating her

----

my flip commentary and aggressive (well, for me, agressive) attitude exhibited above did not in any way lessen the emotional impact of all of it

my poor writing and description in this post does it all a disservice as well

but that's where things stand

ugly, but moving ahead

how's it going?

i suck at posting

there is so much happening that it causes me writer's block - or writer's cramps - or something like that

when i was in counseling (ended at the end of april) we had to lengthen the sessions because i would spend the first 30 minutes of a 60 minute appointment with a recitation of events filling in the details to my counselor - and then not fully get to some of the underlying issues that needed to be worked on

same here

i want to chronicle the details and there are so many and so much that i can't. and because i am so ploddingly ordered that way... it causes me problems in trying to post - because i can't remember how everything went down and in exactly what order

so i'm going to ditch my practice out of necessity

perhaps its one of those skills i am meant to learn - or one of those things i have to learn to just let go in an increasingly disordered world

so,

where are things at?

i'm OK

my fibromyalgia is acting up - but that is likely stress related. and i've had a bit.

Smitten and I are still an item. She is a saint for putting up with the crap in my life and its impact on our relationship. I am, however, eminently worth it. And I'm actually beginning to realise/believe that.

----

My daughter hasn't dropped acid recently, does smoke pot all the time, but doesn't do meth or E (yet). She did get a prescription for birth control... the patch. I had a very serious conversation with her about her inability to keep on a pill regimen when she was on Prozac - so she has the patch. I have discussed my concern that she is too young to be having sex, but i am not going to be stupid either. What I have tried to impress on her is: "Try to at least make it someone you care about. Instead of some romp at a party on top of a pile of coats. Try to make it memorable..."

I have also tried to explain to her that she should still use a condom because of the possibility of STDs. I have additionally tried to get her to realise that any guy who refuses to wear a condom with her doesn't respect her, and she shouldn't be banging him anyway. She hasn't acknowledged much of what I have said, but i have had my words come back to me out of her mouth as she talks about her worldview, and from her brother as he relates things she's said to him. So maybe i got through.

I just had a conversation with her - she is having her period right now so she will need to begin her patch cycle right after. She wanted me to pick up her prescription. I refused. I told her she could walk to the pharmacy after school tomorrow. I also told her she is going to buy herself a box of condoms while she's there. That she is going to take ownership of her own actions.

----

Son dropped out of school. I at least got him to withdraw instead of being kicked out. They had already booted him for missing school, but reversed it all and made it withdrawals instead. I had a fight with him for almost a week to actually be enough of a man to not just let things happen to him - to choose - to control his withdrawal. He was afraid to face the music. Now, he almost proudly explains to his friends how by making the choice to withdraw and to have the administrators do the paperwork has made sure he has no hassles to get back into school.

I think he learned the lesson he needed to learn. That a controlled or managed crash will most often have better outcomes than just letting it all go and letting the system have its way with you.

He has a girlfriend. They are having sex. My condom supply is running out because the stupid fucker (literally) hasn't gotten a job yet to pay for his own shit. But, I suppose, all things in their time.

I had to push pretty hard for him to get his resume together - but he did. It sucked. I had done one for him, and gave it to him after he made his own. Not to prove how great i am (like my Dad likely would have done), but to help him out. I told him that i wanted him to go through the process of doing the resume for himself. That i believe that part of his problem is that i have run to wipe his nose or his ass as soon as it needed it for his whole life - and that because so often i was pre-emptive in my caregiving that i believed he found my watching out for him to be intrusive rather than helpful. So he can do his own shit. He can pick himself up and motivate himself.

I have given Son a notice of eviction. Daughter got a notice of grounding. I posted each two page document at the front door and am leaving them on the wall to see every day. The notices detail the things they need to do to avoid getting their asses kicked.

It has been a struggle, but they are starting to change their behaviours.

It has been a very tension filled household for the last month.

I had to find work. Money was an issue. Son was dropping out. Daughter was hacking at herself again.

But I/we've struggled to the surface again.

----

My job is OK. Today is two weeks on the job. On my second day one of the servers failed.

Welcome to your new job...

The server and network structure is for shit. i have NO respect for my predecessors. The whole thing is a disaster waiting to happen. I am fixing it. But I will detail some of that in a separate post.

----

Smitten has been accepted into grad school for her master's. she is taking human resources development.

----

she is an amazing human being

and i am so glad that we found each other

it is becoming harder and harder to be apart. we have even discussed our wish to live together - not at some ephemeral future date - but now. but we won't until a whole lot of other shit is worked through and lived through.

----

the stbx is still nuts

we have a mediation session on friday

----

i am going to exercise now

more later

can has job?

i start on monday

Smitten was looking for a job and saw one she thought would work for me (the government runs the largest jobs website in the province - it was on there)

i mostly sloughed getting my shit together, but managed to get my resume into some semblance of order and fired it off. i really didn't believe in myself enough to think i could get the job.

but i did

in fact the people interviewing me were more worried about me deciding to bolt for a higher paid job after 6 months than anything else

it's worth $45K a year - they started me at the 1 year increment. it's about $5K less than my last job and is less than i want to be making at this time - $60K-$70K, but i haven't finished my certificate

and beggars can't be choosers

there were a few other jobs that i was applying for that would have paid more, but this job has better happiness/satisfaction characteristics

the other jobs would have seen me as a cpg in a large machine/team chained to my desk slogging through code and website development stuff

instead i will be the (singular) computer dude at a medical clinic. they have 7 doctors and around 40 staff. it is the clinic that was the flashpoint for the creation of modern medicare in canada. my parents were among the founders of the clinic, and were founding board members. my history and lineage played a limited role in me getting the job, mostly because it spoke to my existing commitment to the philosophy of the clinic.

it's a very progressive clinic (it's actually a membership co-op) - they additionally have 2 nurse practitioner, physiotherapists, exercise therapists/coaches, dietitians, counseling services, a pharmacy, in-house lab, blah, blah, blah. the clinic is directly funded by the department of health - it is almost like a hospital in its standing. it is the place where lots of new ideas about how to practice medicine in an integrated care (primary health care teams) environment gets tested. the doctors (GPs) are on salary not paid on fee for service (most of the specialists in the province are also on salary with the health region - one of the big complaints from doctors here is that they want to be doctors not business people or accountants - so we are SLOWLY moving toward a salaried structure for most doctors)

(while most health care is publicly funded, hospitals [inside of health regions] and some clinics are directly financed by the government. outside of that doctors open up fee for service clinics/practices owned by them and operate them as businesses - the billing goes to the government for payment. the fee schedule is negotiated between the department of health and the provincial medical association. extra-billing is banned in canada [even though there are pushes at the edge of that rule all over the place as the right-wing tries to get rid of medicare])

this clinic also has programs surrounding FASD and some other stuff as well.

i will also be the privacy officer - that was the clincher on why they wanted me for the job. having an extensive background in privacy and data security, as well as full understanding of and capability to execute the development process for policy and subsequent procedure - as well as being a good writer - made them wet their pants

in this hyper-political province, i had only viewed my political involvement and experience as a negative. in this case it worked for me.

i will also be the security/alarm system guy and the building/site manager - well, actually, the liaison with the building managers/owners (rented facility)

i'm excited by the privacy stuff

across canada there are various chunks of privacy legislation phasing into effect now and over the next few years - organisations have been given substantial compliance periods in order to develop policy and practice to adhere to the laws and regulation - much of the work surrounds computer data

(i am thinking that if i do well in the job that it will be a swell meal ticket to higher priced jobs. having a person able to bridge law/policy and computers is not a usual find in the computer industry)

we have an agreement that i will be able to finish my schooling and can have time off during the day (flex hours) to attend classes if i cannot get one that is outside hours or distance education.

they were worried that they could not provide me with enough excitement in my work compared to my previous jobs (politics and my business). i had to assure them i was not lookingfor excitement, and that having less stress and therefore the opportunity to finish my education was my desire. i assured them that it would be at least 2 years until i finished my certificate through part-time study, and i would probably spend a year after that getting a few other certifications. so they were good for that time period at least.

on a private level - i like the fact that i will be the only computer guy. my own niche. my own office. my own deal - that no-one else will understand what i do - and will be a little afraid of the magic computer guy... no-one riding me or biting my ass - i get to get up and wander around - see how peoples' stuff is doing, and also retreat to my own private/personal server room and office sub-complex.

it works for me

i get off the dole from my parents

i pay my own way

i still finish my education

"Blow, wind. Come wrack. At
least we'll die with harness
on our back."
- MACBETH, Act 5, Scene 5

(harness = plate armour [ergo - die fighting])

a few hours later

after a substantial amount of uncontrollable weeping (i'm alone, thankfully) i have regained my equilibrium.

i'm really quite inconsolable about my son deciding to drop out of school

him finishing school was my reason to be - my mission in life until the end of June

now he won't be

he won't be graduating

he won't walk across the stage

he will have dropped out

----

i was so angry with son that i was ready to kick him out

tell him to not come back

----

i was ready to pack his bags and throw them off the balcony (4 floors) and let son and the buddy that lives in his car come get them

----

i was going to phone and cut off his cell phone

----

i am so angry that i had to abase myself to my parents to get the money from them to live while operating under the personal delusion that son would finish his school if i just helped as much as i could and was there for him every day morning and night

----

i am so angry that i withdrew from my own classes to work with my kids through their shit and daughter is back at her mother's half time (well - not as of this weekend - it's now 9 me, 5 stbx, 7 me, 7 stbx [daughter can't cope with the stbx's shit again - more in a later post]), and now son is dropping out

i put my life and next career step on hold for what?

----

when there was issues with possible suicide and such with daughter in january, i also spoke to son. i told him that even if he had to stay in bed for six months and never leave the apartment - that would be better than killing himself.

----

i have told my children that i am on their side - always

----

i was ok when son was going to not finish school this semester and finish his other classes next school year

----

i called son on his cell phone

i told him that i expected him home by midnight

that i didn't want friends to be here at midnight

that if this is his first major decision as an adult he's going to get up at a reasonable time in the morning and he's going to go to the school and withdraw himself

that he's not going to just let it happen to him

he's not going to just sit until he gets kicked out

that he's going to face his decision head on and make it under his own terms and not wait for the system to just come along and boot him

he's going to handle it as an adult

that i was going out this evening and that he and his friends could come to the apartment after i'm gone (but be gone by midnight)

that he's not going to call it dropping out

he's going to call it withdrawal

that after he wraps up his withdrawal he will come up with a plan for what he's going to do next

drop out

my son just informed me that with roughly 6 weeks to go in the last semester of grade 12 he is dropping out of school

he refuses to do the work necessary that will bring his marks up to a passing grade

he says it is pointless and he will finish his classes and his grade 12 later and in some other manner

i asked him he had somewhere to go. because i wanted him to leave the apartment for the time being after he told me - because i might do or say something i would regret.

he stood there looking at me oddly - and i told him if he stayed i would hurt him - injure him - so he'd best leave before i did anything i regretted

he left

i wept

ideas on no ideas

today i was thinking about what i wrote in my last post with my comment on potential comments

"no particular need for anyone to post "cheer up little camper" comments - i just feel super sucky right now"

and i was worried i might have been rude

re-reading my words i don't think what i wrote was rude

but even so, it got me thinking, i want to make sure that i let all of you know that i appreciate your support much more than you know - really

i think about you as friends - i tell stories about my you as my friends (only sometimes mention that it a blogging relationship). i think about what you would say, or think, or suggest when i make decisions.

so, thank-you

----

Sicilian asked:

"Curious as to where son gets $$$$ for pot."

Up until last month he got $20 a month allowance from me. He works for my parents a few times a month making anywhere from 30-40 up to a 100 or more dollars in that month. He does spot work in the call centre. He gets cash gifts on birthday and christmas.

He is also a master of arranging group buy deals amongst his friends that end up with some surplus. Yes - almost drug dealing - or close enough for horseshoes and handcuffs - except for the lax enforcement of low dealing/buying level activity at both a policing and legal level. It meets the legal definition, but is never enforced at that level. Remember - Canada started the full scale decriminalisation of pot until Bushies had a shit fit on Canada. That was when we had a liberal government - the current conservative government wouldn't decriminalise, but they haven't turned the clock back much.

And after all that defensiveness and rationalising and minimising of my son's activities

he gets some there too.

And his buddy, who is a small dealer, just gives him some sometimes because they are friends and he shares.

That's how he does is.

i have no idea

i have no idea of what to do

i am done my classes, my daughter is with her mother half time, and my son is still toking every day

i have no job

i have no money

i have no credit cards

----

i am looking for a job - any job - started on monday

i was looking at some call centre work the other day - but they don't have any right now

my employment insurance claim might not start paying until july because they appear to be counting my retirement allowance in their ineligible period/amount

i have a few hundred dollars left in my account - but not even enough to make May's rent

i'll have to talk to dad...

----

i gave up my credit cards to my parents in return for them paying off my balances and reducing my monthly costs by the amount of my payments

----

while my children are still alive - which counts as a victory of sorts - i am feeling like a failure on that front

daughter went back to her mom's half time

son is still smoking pot every day. he is spending a whole whack of time at his mom's because i banned smoking pot in the apartment once the weather changed. they smoke in the basement over there. also, his buddy (the one living in his car) is parked in front of the stbx's place and doesn't feel comfortable around me since i gave him the boot from my place

(in march i let the friend stay at my place for a week when it was minus 40. i let him stay for a week - he was all full of plans and ideas for how he would get off my couch and get his own place - i gave him another week after that first week. my mistake - i later discovered he wasn't even taking full time shifts. the second week he was at my place he didn't even take a single shift. i was soooooooo mad. he was eating my food, acting all territorial about the couch with my kids [this is the guy who lived at the stbx's right after we split, so he feels pretty at home/family with my kids - i was furious at his territoriality and let him know], and doing sweet fuck all. i was trying to do right by him and be mindful of the weather for a guy that was homeless and a friend of my son's - both kids said they were ok with it to start with. then he turned schmucky. after i booted him out he was still parking in the parking lot by my place - so i had him ticketed and towed. then i interevened to make sure he wouldn't get an apartment in the building next to mine [but all of this is another post i think]. he's a mooch, and i don't want him around)

so son is spending a bunch of time at the stbx's. and she is turning a blind eye to everything she railed on about because she'll do anything to get either or both of them to come back - and stay back

----

i'm looking for work

sending out inoices to my few remaining clients

begging from dad

and trying to sort out all the rest

----

no particular need for anyone to post "cheer up little camper" comments - i just feel super sucky right now

there is a pathway out and i am trying to stay on it

note from a friend

i made a comment in an email to a close (female) friend of mine (we are trying to arrange a lunch):

> I'll keep sending positive vibes your way, and you let me know when
> you can squeeze me in. [her name]

i would like to do more than just squeeze a visit in

but i am so paranoid that i want to be around the kids as much as possible to make it more difficult for them to fall off the edge...

and [daughter] has returned to her mother's half time...

an excerpt from her response:

"Good luck trying to keep your eye on [daughter] at all times - at least she is talking to you about these things, not just sneaking off and going it alone. I shudder to think about what I did as a teen, that my parents should never find out about, even now. I would never have contemplated talking to them about my choices or experimentations. Don't make yourself crazy over this - just stay open to talking to her and being there for her to rely on as the stable influence."

at least a positive

i was just looking in the freezer and fridge for what i need to get for the coming week.

and i noticed that all the whole wheat buns were gone.

and about half the whole wheat bread.

but the white bread and buns that my mom had baked and gave me was still there. my mom is one of the most amazing bakers ever - her bread is totally awesome

but my kids won't eat anything but whole wheat

that's positive

Sisyphus

As a punishment from the gods, Sisyphus was compelled to roll a huge rock up a steep hill, but before he could reach the top of the hill, the rock would always roll back down again, forcing him to begin again - and to repeat this throughout eternity.

i hate this

my son just came in drunk to pick a game up

him, his friend, and daughter had been drinking gin shots at their mother's while she was out

he just left again to go back because they are having supper with her this evening

i thought about calling the police or social services or someone

i asked him what he thought he was doing drinking with his sister

he said that if it wasn't him and gin, that his sister would currently be out with one of her friends - one of the bad ones (the sex and X one)

and maybe doing ecstasy - because daughter has been talking about crossing over into that scene

i do not know what to do

i told Smitten last night on the phone that i believed that daughter had made a conscious decision to become fucked up. because it took too much energy to resist and drugs and bullshit are easier.

and her mom is bribing her heavily

it is sort of like that moment in the horror movies about satanic possession when the young woman has finally beaten the possession - and then returns - pre-naturally calm - because she has given up fighting and has gone wholly over to the dark side

----

daughter came home on friday night and told me that her mother was taking her to a rave that night - and attending it herself. and as i stared in disbelief, daughter gleefully announced "Yeah - I know - I'm such a usurious bitch. And she's paying for everything."

----

Yesterday, it looked like my personal marijuana stash had been rifled and some was gone. It certainly weighed less than the last time I had weighed it. And i hadn't used any. (I described my short term use of marijuana for fibromyalgia pain in the post where's cadbury). I was keeping a gram in case I had a severe emergency/extreme pain situation (7 grams = 1/4 ounce - so 1/7th of a 1/4 ounce).

I kept it around, and hidden - not very well hidden, but away. The kids were not aware

My box of ziploc bags were on the counter when i got home from exercising. I was suspicious immediately. I had thought my daughter had searched my drawers before.

I checked my pot - scaled it (my son's specialised digital pocket scale [from the local "head shop"]) and some was missing.

I raised it with each of them separately. I didn't mince words. I advised them I had it and what it was for.

Son told me that daughter had mysteriously shown up with a small amount. That she had ripped him off already.

I told my son and my daughter that if they ever ripped me off - money, marijuana, stuff - anything - they would have to find other living arrangements. That since i couldn't prove it that i wouldn't be kicking them out at this point - but that they were on notice.

Nobody is going to start ripping me off.

When the stealing starts - it signals a whole different level of trouble.

(they both ran out of money and pot last week - son earned some since working for my parents [he took the lectures], but daughter has been avoiding them and the work they offer since the acid thing blew up - i discussed it with my parents. they were asking why i wasn't getting a job to supplement the money they were helping me with. i explained the newest developments and asked them if they thought i should - regardless of the lack of visible progress to stopping the decline of my children)

----

Now the kids are getting drunk. When I suggested this was an example of substance substitution like his mother (see post: Sweetened Coconut).

He said it was just a change of pace - and stumbled out the door.

i asked "Have you considered mini-golf?"

he said "Mini-golf only lasts for an hour," and the stairwell door closed behind him.

i followed to the top of the stairs and told him to hang on to the railing tightly so he didn't fall down the stairs. my next door neighbour (when i was a kid) was an alcoholic and she died falling down some stairs...

i told him to double check that there are no cars when he crosses the major street when walking from here to there because his judgment was impaired

----

I am at a loss

I guess I need to get on that al-anon even faster

But I don't know what to do

nothing seems to work - i will not leap into ridiculous or impulsive action

the various professionals i am working with have told me that the factor i cannot control is the constant influence of the children's mother - and that while they realise that she is a bad influence - until she overtly does something - the law won't allow them to make a case - there is not law against lousy parenting - or even constant psychological low level abuse - only laws and rules against overt and clearly definable harm. and even then it is several strikes before someone is out...

i beg and i plead for them to give me some kind of solution

but all i've got is what i've got

----

i felt like i had made a bit of a breakthrough last night

i got son to admit that the pot was affecting him negatively mentally and emotionally

he has to this point denied that effect

yesterday after giving him a lot of grief (not yelling, but discussion and questioning [for about one and half hours]) he finally admitted that it had an effect.

i told him that it was pretty obvious that there was a problem with a person's life when they had to smoke pot every day to get through each day. he said that it might be true, but that i had a lot more options to change my life than he did - that no matter what solution or change he came up with he would still have to go to school every day - and couldn't change that.

but he admnitted it was taking a toll

he then said "But I don't care"

but i can work with that

after he said it he went and hung his still slightly damp clothes on the drying rack

----

Smitten says that in a breakthrough moment like that - where someone says it out loud at last, that their demeanor and actions tell you how they are feeling about it

and that him taking some action to "control" his universe was good sign

that if he had just sat down in a helpless lump it would be much worse

that his actions spoke of an internal view that shows that he actually does know its's a problem and that he hasn't given up

----

now he's off with my daughter drunk

she is apparently less so

----

i hate this

----

he assured me they wouldn't drive (the friend drives) - especially since they are due for supper shortly

----

i'm going to the gym and to buy some vegetables for healthy meals for the coming few days

if i don't go to the gym i'll collapse

sometimes it's an escape for me when i don't know what else to do

go work out for two hours

i emerge usually with less physical manifestations of stress and a somewhat clearer head

the gym is better than pot

the gym is better than stewing

the gym is actually better than this blog and my journal that i have been writing for most of the day

but i have to get my ideas out of me

i have to have an escape valve somewhere - somehow

because on top of all of this stuff i am also dealing with a lot of things inside of me as well. i have reached a pretty critical point in my counseling - in dealing with the abuse i suffered in my marriage

and the abuse and violence i suffered as a child at school (and at the hands of my older brother and the lack of intervention by my parents). the daily beatings - the cracks on the nose to make my nose bleed every recess.

and me asking why - why didn't my parents or anyone protect me?

we went to a play at the university a few weeks ago - we didn't know - it turned out to be about an extremely imaginative child and the abuse he suffers in the schoolyard.

while the portrayal was artsy/poetic - the scenes were highly truthful

all the way to the way the kids circled the lead character like a pack of jackals. the way they took turns beating him - kicking him - never quite leting him get his bearings and keeping him disoriented. Smitten asked me if I wanted to leave after the first couple of minutes - i refused. i was not about to leave - to not bear witness - even to a fictional character's hurt

i was glad it was dark. tears streamed down all through the performance. it was so bad that at several instances - and after the performance when we went back to Smitten's house - it was so bad i almost lost control of my bodily functions

shit myself

piss myself

throw-up

yeah - that bad. it's embarrassing to admit that to you - and to Smitten

my reaction was sheer terror

i had bottled up so much at the time

in not showing emotion. because any emotion or reaction just made things worse - they would make the taunting and the beatings worse

i didn't ever really understand the terror

the terror of being a child in grade school 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 years old - and having to go back and face that every single day - someone hitting me or taking a whack at my nose -taunting - always with the threat of violence, torture, degradation, and humiliation right behind

i hate schools and i hate teachers (sorry BG [but i like to think you would have stomped a couple of those kids if you were there])

terror

visceral terror

and i almost lost control of my body at the age of 43

i survived that night with the railworkers (see last post an almost letter to a friend). i have survived having knives pulled on me, getting sliced by one of them, getting hit with all variety of instruments. and have not had a single boo of an effect

but that play was awful for me

----

so, i'm going to go to the gym

and buy some vegetables for a healthy meal

an almost letter to a friend

(started 4/2/09 10:43 PM)

dear friend,

i know you think that i am being too permissive and am not being a very good parent.

that's why you came over last Tuesday night.

you thought that me asking the kids what they thought should be done was the wrong approach - that i should be cracking down - getting hard - imposing some order

you don't have kids

you also don't do much with the bureaucracy you work within. you are special. and they let you get away with shit because you are special. your mindset is tenacious and thorough. and very black and white.

you bag bad guys. and you hand them off. and your job is done.

and you are very good at it.

you are a fixer. you don't realise it. you keep asking yourself (and me) why we are friends when you are right-wing and law and order, and i'm left-wing and mushy.

you may not remember, but we first became close friends when things broke down with my roommate and you let me sleep on your couch for 3 weeks - and use your truck when my car broke down. someone needed rescuing and you rescued them - or rather - rescued me.

(finished 4/5/09 3:40 PM)

i like you - liked you then, too. there was an almost immediate trust and loyalty. you liked my mind. i had things you wanted - a larger, non-worker-guy worldview. a worldview you wanted. language. knowledge. analysis.

and i was loyal. i was one of the few people whom you knew would never leave your back uncovered - no matter what the odds.

that's why when it was you and me and 16 railworkers in a brawl when we were bouncing that would have left us dead or hospitalised if the cops hadn't shown up - you knew you weren't alone like you had been every other time before. and why i'm always in your dreams and flashbacks of that incident.

when i was down and out and living in that attic hole in the revenue house - you gave me a job at the new bar you were security manager of - at the snazzy hotel

we did the same job we did the previous time - took the place from multiple brawls a night to weeks without any incidents - sometimes after we cleaned it up you would lose staff because the guys were itching for action and took jobs at bars they could have the occasional brawl at. we imposed order. together. you were the manager - but when the other guys questioned your approach i always backed you up - and they didn't want to challenge both of us at once.

you took your bodyguard and security training and came out top in your class. you can strip, clean and reassemble your guns very fast. you know your stuff. you work hard.

i tried to return the favour(s) that you did for me. 17 or so years ago i re-learned enough high-school algebra to help you get your general equivalency diploma. i tutored you through all your other subjects too. because you had half of grade 10, and all of grade 11 and 12 to learn. your hard work and determination did it over that year. i do not take credit. but you needed someone who believed in you - and that was only me. only me.

the STBX wasn't too thrilled with all the time that took - and led to her slow expulsion of you from my life - 'cause she's like that...

i role played for hours and hours and hours the interview panel you would have to face when you went for the job - guys with guns - guys with knives - you'd faced them all - but not a panel of five bureaucrats. that's my world.

and you got the enforcement job with the federal government - they didn't ask many of the questions i had role played (me not knowing the investigatory field your were wanting to work in), but we had been through the shittiness and the putting on the spot, so you were comfortable enough - and your knowledge of trapping and hunting from your time on the farm and in the bush gave you the ability to ask all the questions in the mock investigation - and to pass the interview with flying colours..

you were the top returning/performing investigations officer in your unit (specialised fraud investigations). you had made it out of the service industry into investigations - not the cop you wanted to be (because of your eyes and glasses) - but starting your way there. you were a sworn peace officer for our province and our country. you could compete in cop shooting events, and at cop competitions. you were half-way to your dream (and earning way better money).

but your world is still black and white.

identify problem.

remove problem

problem solved

except these are my kids

and my stbx

and they can't be removed - or controlled - or confined - or even taken to court or a hearing and punished or forced to clean up their act.

why would i allow drugs openly in my place?

because it would be bullshit to pretend i don't know they are there

because if i confiscated them or shit-fitted they would just hide them

why would i allow them to smoke them inside?

because it was -30 to -40 below outside - so they wouldn't ever smoke outside while it was that cold and windy. i had banished them to the outdoors while the weather was survivable - and have done so again.

they would always end up taking the three minute walk to the stbx's house and smoking inside the garage or the basement - and then they'd hang out there. and that is even worse for them than pot.

remember - son said he wanted to beat his mother to death with his fists - really - and meant it. said he hoped she'd die in a fire. daughter was fantasizing about stabbing her mother to death with a knife. both son and daughter were already involved in physical altercations with their mother.

their mother was losing it and had physically fought with both. son told me how he was afraid because sometimes when she was mad at him and was getting in that crazy way she would linger too long over the knife drawer in the kitchen. how his gut said he should be worried. how he slept with a knife under his pillow because he was somewhat spooked and needed it for a sense of security.

how no-one in authority can act on the crap i tell them - and want more proof than feelings and impressions and spooked - that they believe i am a good parent who is NOT just trying to stir things up.

that if my kids didn't stay here, and didn't go to their mother's to smoke their pot - that they would go to their friends' houses where they could smoke. houses in the hood. where they would be surrounded by run-aways, half street kids, and punks. where guys who belong to gangs show up. where there are drugs much harder than pot.

at least this way i can control who is allowed to be around and it will be the best of a loser crowd.

(I should point out that i have had my smoking restrictions on the apartment for all of 4 days now and my kids are spending way more time at their mother's. in only 4 days - even though the weather is better. because she will whore herself in whatever way she needs to get them back to her house - even though she talks the talk about not alowing them to partake around her - she lies. that they are already smoking in friends' cars - and driving while stoned [which is just fucking awesome from a safety standpoint - but at least the streets aren't solid ice like in the dead of winter])

my daughter was suicidal and her mother was threatening suicide as well.

i wanted her where i could watch her all the time

in January daughter did harm herself. you saw the picture - it's one of the things that shocks you. you know about teen-aged girls - your sister was/is anorexic-bulimic and spent her teen years in a group home.

at least if my children were where they needed to be i could feed them, watch them, intervene as necessary, and make sure they were exercising and sort of sleeping.

you kept saying that if social services found out i would be in trouble.

you even called a cop friend of yours to find out what they would do - they told you to tell me to call mobile crisis - which is what they do - that's cop procedure.

it was a great shock to you when we talked on the phone and i made you completely aware of who all knew of my kids' open drug use.

that i had already called mobile crisis, that i had already had my kids through social services intake, that they were under psychiatric, psychological counseling, and medical supervision - that they were in the presence of one of those three professionals every 10 days (or less)

who the fuck are you talking to, buddy?

remember - i am not just some permissive assed socialist - as you have described the bleeding hearts who annoy you

I have a fucking clue on this shit, here friend...

i was involved in writing the fucking procedures and making them public and running the public education campaigns on drug use when i was involved in government.

my high school drug use and my brother's use (FYI: not nearly as bad as my kids) prompted my mother (the ex-nurse) to start the first citywide drug education in the catholic school system back in the '80s - the principals didn't want it, but the Archbishop said "It will be done." even though mom is ukrainian orthodox - isn't even catholic. My mom would have been head of the province-wide drug education program/unit if we hadn't lost the election in '82... i know this stuff forward and backward - and stay on top of current literature.

you almost shit in your pants over the phone when i advised you that i had already been in discussion with my childrens' school principals, and with school board psychologists, and their teachers, and the dedicated full-time drug and addictions counselors at my son's schools (treatment programs brought in by our/my "permissive assed socialist" government - i might add - programs being copied all over north america)

and you almost shit when i told you that all of them - including the cop i had spoken to in the domestic violence unit after the STBX assaulted me in front of the kids - were aware that i was allowing drug use at my home. that they all agreed that my plan was the least worst scenario - and could not come up with a better plan than to try to ride it out and try to keep my children alive and safe until things ran their course.

to get them to sleep, feel safe, eat well, exercise, and go to school as often as possible and be in regular contact with medical and psychiatric/psychological professionals

that means that 7 full-time drug treatment and counseling professionals, plus doctors and teachers, and a cop could not come up with a better plan.

soon i will add al-anon, narcotics anonymous, and the health region's alcohol and drug team to my list of people who will know and be involved with this plan

yeah - i know that you have been avoiding me for a few days now. i hope that will pass. i value your friendship. i need your friendship.

but this is not a simple solution.

and for being a weak-assed permissive socialist - i seem to have some staying power, my friend.

after i go through the run-through - and people can't come up with any more solutions than i have already tried - everybody else seems to be suggesting that i just boot them - get all tough love on their asses

yeah - like i said before - that'll allow me to be all self-righteous - but will still add up to abandoning my children to their own ends. i'm not willing to do that. and personally i think it takes more strength to stay in the fight than to pull the tough-love bullshit.

if i'm not creative enough to just keep changing the scenario, to try to disrupt - at least around the edges - the situation - then i'm not much of a mind - or much of a parent

i'm not abandoning my children

that's the weak-assed permissive socialist i am

never give up

always got the other person's back

always looking out

no matter what the odds

that's why when the revolution comes

and the tanks are coming

i'll be on top of the barricade - throwing molotov cocktails - even though it's useless

because i don't give up

not until someone, or something (or I am) is dead

----

other than some kind of "crack-down" by an authority figure - whom you could not offer a suggestion as to whom might be effective - you were at more of a loss than me

but we'll all make through

maybe

----

i am a good parent

----

i am so sick of people (like my parents) saying:

"Isn't there something you can do?"

well, then fucking well tell me what to do!!!

should i beat the shit out them? will that work?

should i scream and jump up and down?

lock them in a treatment centre? (already checked - can't - they are full of the people who really need it - or are way past where my kids are. and the U.S. ones cost more than we can collectively afford - and why would i send my kids to the U.S. - would it help? i doubt it)

if there was an easy solution i would have implemented it. if there was a hard solution i would have implemented it.

----

as for me

i will keep on slogging and prepare myself for my childrens' potential death or slow decline

i and i will keep on fighting for them

every day