taking care of kids

likely dropping out of another class... i only have two left, so that will leave me with one

that sucks

i feel like i suck

failing at university again - failing to achieve my goals - failing to complete my course and individual classes

again

thought maybe third time lucky.

the first time it was my fault. i partied too much. the second time it was the psycho ex bagging at me about money that pushed me off the straight and narrow.

the crap this time is putting me off my third try

i am consoling myself with the knowledge that some is better than none (one class), and that making sure i survive and that my kids survive is the most important thing to me.

so i will likely have to lose the class (withdraw)

to make myself feel better i will quote Bill Clinton on family and jobs:

"And number three, the president needs to know he's doing right by his daughters.

In their hearts of hearts, most fathers believe that raising their kids is their most important job, even presidents. And so we should be happy when he takes his children to school, because it then will free him up emotionally to be even more involved in the decisions of the presidency.

If you know you've taken care of your kids, then you feel that your job can get your full attention."

- Bill Clinton, CNN interview (02/17/2009)

13.5 miles

that's what i ran today

i feel awesome

3 hours

1800 calories

around 3 years ago my fibromyalgia was so bad i had severe pain just walking to and from the bathroom in my building

Smitten wrote:

(It was suggested to me by a blog reader that I post this in the main part of the blog. this is a response Smitten wrote in relation to a comment by Sicilian on the post Day by Day (below))

----

February 01, 2009 1:55 AM

Smitten said...

Cadbury read me your comment, and I asked him to pass along a message from me - he however, suggested I write it myself...

First: Hello!

Second: I am a bit apprehensive about writing here as this is not my space - it is Cadbury's - and I am very conscious about people having their privacy. Just so you know, I do not read this blog - however occasionally Cadbury will read aloud what he has written or comments made as a result.
Which is why I felt compelled to comment today.

I know that he has chronicled our relationship, and that the nickname "Smitten" comes from shortly after we met and he wrote a post (side note, after our second date I wrote that I was "smitten" with him as well).

Yes, the ex has a personality disorder (nuts) and yes it has been a tremendous strain on Cadbury. Yes, he is doing an amazing job - there is so much going on all the time. It is like he is constantly bombarded. But,he handles it, and that is why I am still hanging in/on ... he is worth it.

I am humbled by your comment - and would instead say that I have the insight and understanding that all this periphery stuff will eventually go away. And I see all this stuff as a useful (albeit painful) learning experience.
Every crisis = an opportunity.

The stress will eventually come to an end. And when it is finished, he and I can continue with our great relationship... he is a wonderful man, who actually is the amazing person.
I think that we bring out the best in each other, and when we are together, all is right in the world.

So I thank you for your kind comment, and most of all your continued support. I came along in the middle of the journey, but you all have been here from the start.

P.S. yes, I care for him an amazing amount, and lucky for me, he cares for me the same way.

Day by day

Day by day
Oh Dear Lord
Three things I pray
To see thee more clearly
Love thee more dearly
Follow thee more nearly
Day by day
- from Godspell

----

not that i'm religious

i describe myself as a "recovering catholic"
(when i was kid the Priest in the Parish that was attached to our school would tell the other kids to rough me up because he was a bitter political opponent of our political party in general and my family in particular - i have some resentment issues...)

but i could sure use some serenity

----

i wanted (and had) the prayer of St. Francis sung as one of the hymns at my wedding

Make me a channel of your peace
Where there's despair in life, let me bring hope
Where there is darkness, only light
And where there's sadness, ever joy

(full lyrics)

that and this one (derived from Matthew 25:34)

Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto me.
When I was hungry, you gave me to eat;
When I was thirsty, you gave me to drink.
Now enter into the home of My Father

(full lyrics)
----

[interlude]
as you know, i have been active in socialist politics for my whole life

in politics, people often discuss the written works, or ideological treatises that motivated them to activism

those two songs - that i learned as a very small child - still move me to tears - it might be weird, but it's the truth - those two songs and the ideas contained within them are the core of my personal philosophy

if it sounds strange that religion would be part of socialism, well... the social gospel is a huge component in the development of our political movement - we were founded primarily from the activists from radical churches in the 20s and 30s - at least our intellectual base (and our longest serving leader and premier [like a state governor] was a radical baptist minister) was derived from theological treatises. i think that's one reason that Barack Obama appeals to me so much - the emphasis on self-reliance - but help being there if its needed no questions asked - no "means test" - the emphasis on human dignity - as we say in our party: "the best social program is a job"
[/interlude]

----

When I was weary, you helped me find rest.
When I was anxious, you calmed all my fears

----

my children are weary

i am weary

i spend a lot of time trying to calm them and work through their feelings

there is a rule of thumb in counseling that it takes three years of counseling to overcome every year of trauma/disturbance

i am trying to work my kids through their shit faster and easier than all that

my counselors and doctors (and Smitten) say that i have made remarkable progress in the time since leaving

i hope to be able to help my children in the same way

i work every moment i can or am able to help them

they are the total focus of my life

----

i don't post much (obviously) because i spend almost every waking hour thinking about and working on the issues that confront me and confront my children

i am in counseling twice a week, and Smitten is ever my stalwart coach through this process

i try to escape the madness

and posting keeps me there

lots of times i will go to post and then just end up playing a computer game to "zone out" - i play strategy games - the illusion of order within the construct of the game helps me cope

----

the kids are moving away from the fear they had/have of their mother and her tirades/rants/sessions. they (especially daughter) are becoming defiant (son was already there) of her and avoiding contact with her

they are feeling somewhat protected and sheltered

i understand the transition they are going through

----

daughter and son are in incredible muscle pain

their symptoms mirror my own

i don't think they are mimicking

i am taking them for massage and chiro and to the doctor (and exercising), but they are still in much pain

with the stbx you have no choice but to internalise your emotions because she cuts you off in all directions

i used the analogy before:

when you were a kid, did you ever encounter another kid who would "torture" a dog by cornering/crowding it, and then cutting off all means of escape - and every time the animal would try to escape they would move and block that point of escape/exit... did you ever see that one?

that's what she does in conversation

if you are angry she attacks you for being angry - if you are calm she attacks you for being disinterested or disengaged - if you are ordered and solution oriented she attacks you for being emotionless...

and on... and on... and on...

as soon as you respond to one charge or accusation she pulls the rug out from under you and throws another lie or baseless charge that has just enough of a whiff of basis in truth or actual events that you react and try to defend yourself - and then she cuts you off and/or changes topics again - and then attacks you for not answering the original question she asked - and accuses you of not being interested or caring enough to respond to her feelings - and attacks you for being off on some other topic (that she injected) and not addressing what she wanted you to

it's a no win situation

no win

not ever

she's fucking nuts

----

the kids get trapped just like me

they get suckered in time and again

please read "Sweetened Cocnut" to review an analysis of her shit...

----

sometimes we don't answer the phone

sometimes we do

sometimes i can keep the calls down to only 4-6 minutes (a great victory)

the stbx calls all the time

since the kids went away she wants more to do with them than she did while they lived with her. the kids are sick of it. as son said "before, at least, she'd just ignore me and leave me alone - now i actually have to spend time with her"

but then sometimes she's nice

and the longing they have for the mother they wish they had comes out

i understand that too

i wanted to live with "lucid [stbx]"

----

daughter has dropped her ethnic dance

that was the reason she cut herself that morning

she didn't want to go to practice that night and she didn't want to tell her mother, or her aunt, or her grandmother on that side of the family

she was worried about their disappointment and recrimination

she had no place to put her anxiety so she took it out on herself

her anxiety was well placed

after i told her mother she wants drop out

and that the cutting was a direct result of her anxiety

while she was out with her mother - less than one week later - visiting grandma and auntie

they both put extreme pressure on daughter - not once - but on two separate occasions - daughter had to defend herself from three adults sumultaneously

even after i had warned her mother about the issue and warned that it might cause another cutting episode

the stbx denies they pressured her

daughter had to stay home from school the next morning because her legs and arms were in such spasm she couldn't walk

the doctor and my massage therapist were incensed that her mother would put such pressure on daughter - and with that outcome

especially my massage therapist

she was in tears at seeing that much tension and pain in a child

----

my kids sleep a lot

son almost fell asleep in class and came home for the rest of the morning to sleep

i am trying to get him up to back for the afternoon right now

will try to post more later

a few pictures

daughter's arm on monday



what my mom made for her granddaughter (fully homemade) that was reported subsequently as "feels good in my stomach"



finally relaxing a little - she was home from school today (extreme headaches, muscle pain and spasms)

she had just eaten a bowl of the pasta (and finished an hour's massage)

----

yeah - the stbx doesn't care what she does

she just needs to fill the void inside her

she doesn't care who she destroys trying to fill her void

even if it's the people she says she loves

----

a draft excerpt from material i am writing for my lawyer - explaining what her "outbursts" are for when the courts ask what it is in her behaviour that is causing such pain in the people around her:

stbx doesn't trust that people love her. She lacks the sense of self, and the self-love to accept that she is loved and is lovable.

When she receives a demonstration of love or affection, two things will often happen that take much the same form:

1)because she doesn't truly believe that people love her, she will test them to see if they really love her, or if they are being nice to her because they want something from her. At some point the person reacts to being tested or their demonstration or statement of love and affection being challenged.

2)if she perceives the action or words to be real, because she usually feels unloved and unlovable, she wants more – and she will take actions or say things to get the giver to do more – and will ask for more as long as the person will give. At some point the giver recoils from love being demanded from them.

In each instance stbx's takeaway to her challenging whether people love her or not is that the people don't really love her or were “just being nice to her” - which then reinforces her self-image of being unloved and unlovable.

It is a vicious cycle of neediness and rejection which ends badly.

mellower

i'm way more mellow today

spent last night with Smitten. daughter and son were out at sleepovers.

got to have a night that was focused on us. even if i spent a huge amount of time talking through stuff about the kids, my mind and spirit were not with them - i was with Smitten

that freedom from total engagement was really good

because usually i fully bodily, mentally, and spiritually engaged with my kids and their situation (by bodily i mean that my body fully reflects my mood and my worry or happiness [not a lot of happiness lately])

we drank martinis, talked, watched some battlestar galactica. slept and had awesome morning sex (well, 11 am...)

a wonderful recipe for being more relaxed ;-)

(in a personally positive moment, i had only momentary erection issues - yay!!!)

----

Smitten had to get a new car. she is out doing that today.

her old car had a couple of issues that were highly problematic (starting with the head gasket).

given that she is on student loans and such right now, she ended up needing to lease rather than buy a car (can't have the asset to be eligible) - we did the costing and it will be OK - over 4 years it will cost about $2000 more than buying. she has trade in/up options if she decides to get a new vehicle after she is done her master's degree in 2.5 years

i have some cash in the bank so i loaned her some up front money to enable the whole transaction. she will be getting the last of the money from her dad's estate in the next two weeks (has the cheques in hand - just needed court documents to be able to do some bank stuff for the last disbursements) and wil pay me back.

----

son is in regular drug counseling - not that it's doing much, but he is slowing down on his use as things stabilise and as i ask him to assume more responsibility for care of his sister and for things around the apartment and in the household.

----

daughter has had her psychiatric assessment after a suicide scare on monday of this week. not an attempt but she was feeling suicidal. so she called me.

more on that later

----

i am pushing hard to get the settlement, custody, and divorce done during this period

if it's going to be fucked up, it might as well be fucked up all at once. and it will help keep the stbx destabilised if i keep hitting her with more stuff during this period.

----

daughter, at least in talking to son and i, is not happy with her mother's behaviour.

she does not want to go back.

i give her every opportunity to say she would like to. give her the option almost every day - i give her enormous wiggle room and the ability to visit or spend time with her mother.

she resists every time

she only goes when she feels trapped by obligation to go with her mom.

i think that bodes well for how we will be able to affect the outcome of the chambers hearing on my motion

with distance from her mother, daughter has slowly become more comfortable with separating from her mother

daughter is identifying more and more of the manipulation and control tactics and techniques their mother uses on them and has used on them. she is breaking the code of silence about crap that went on (including incidents of violence toward daughter) over the years (more on this later)

son is desperate to stay away from his mother (more on this later)

as daughter so eloquently expressed it one time when i was suggesting they be considerate of their mother and her desire to see them

"fuck mom"

alrighty then...

sorry i haven't posted during this whole period

i know how waiting for news about my friends (you folks and in real life) always makes me crazy - not knowing what's happening to people you care about

i'm sorry

i have been attending counseling twice a week, talking to Smitten multiple times a day, talking with the kids non-stop (helping them through what they are feeling), dealing with my parents (who mean well, but are almost like having to deal with my kids...) and thinking about the situation almost non-stop since early december

as well as all the medical and other appointments and lawyer crap

and having to talk to and deal with the stbx - more than even before - too much - aaaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!!!

it becomes almost too painful to deal with to then type it all up again for the blog

sorry - really

i think about all of you constantly - sometimes i am able to flick by your blogs in the middle of the rest of things

----

how's it going?

January 7th was supposed to be the court date but the stupid cow and her lawyer filed a motion for an extension. my lawyer said they are almost always granted, especially since there is nothing pressing and i will maintain the current arrangement which is the one i am requesting in the motion until the 23rd

i hate this

i hate the uncertainty. the worst uncertainty is for daughter - she doesn't know whether she will somehow end up back at the house for a week at a time - but now without her brother to shield her. she is playing it very cagey and tentative with her mom and "blaming" everything on me. saying she has "no choice". and that i have imposed the regime on everyone.

we agreed she should do this to protect her from the "wrath of mom" until we have something official and legal

the stbx refuses to send schedules of when she wants visits and tries to just lob herself into the mix at random - based on whether she wants company at a given moment or not. that puts the kids under pressure and gives her a point of drama and entanglement with me

i had to refuse to discuss such matters unless she sends a written schedule

its still not even a schedule - its a few sentences that almost never contain a time or place or description of event or whom will be the "supervising" or "accompanying" person. i end up having to rewrite the note and send it back with times locations pick-up and drop-off responsibilities, blah, blah, blah - passive-aggressive crap on her part

it is still only at the point when i refuse to allow her access that she even sends that - you see it also gives her an excuse to try to entangle me into phone conversations by whining and balking

there have been a couple of "must attend" events that she has been able to get me to agree to allowing verbally (then i follow up by email) - so she keeps trying to stretch the arrangements and push me - she knows how much i hate hassle and arguments and being pressured - just like my kids know i will cave on minor points just to avoid pain and hassle...

the "must attends" she has pushed on have been christmas stuff with her family and an engagement party for her nephew and daughter's dance events (and an appointment to make alterations to daughter's outfit [ethnic dance costume])

until i have the legal clout to tell her to fuck off i have to always "act in the best interest of the child". christmas and her dance are that...

aaaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!!!

it's the endless entanglement and having to even talk to her and endless rambling and circular conversations that make so crazy

it's not even the shit she pulls so much

it's the excruciating pain and suffering of having to endure her endless rambling bullshit and whining

the kids and i have talked about how this is a form of abuse - we all just hate it

----

Smitten just arrived for a late lunch

i'm at the university right now - i have resumed taking classes

so i'm going to post this because i have no idea of whether my plan to finish it this afternoon will work out

so i will post this as an incomplete narrative

see you later

all my love and best wishes to everyone

men smell bad...

at least when there is a large number of them and they are sweaty and in a locker room

honestly

i have shoveled and moved piles of rotting pig shit that smelled better than the locker room at the gym yesterday

you know how towels get that nasty rotting smell if you leave them damp?

and men's old socks are usually gross?

and how some men smell really sour bad when they sweat heavily?

mix 'em together

[barf]

for the record - i rarely smell bad

i am a freak about hygiene and personal odour

yeah - men smell bad

----

there is incredible levels of shit going on in the rest of my life, but i will post on that trajectory later tonight

assuming something else doesn't come along to fuck up my life between now and then

same old shit - just further along the path it previously was on

the day after

i tried to reach the stbx on friday afternoon. some of the elements of the arrangements require that i outline them to her. i wrote a script for the call and passed it by my lawyer who made a few adjustments

couldn't reach her

i was in a store with daughter looking for a birthday gift for her friend when the stbx called. i told her i was in a store and would call her back in 30 seconds. i went out to my vehicle and called her back

i began to read the script

she interupted

surprise

she didn't let me finish what i was going to say

she said "[cadbury], i'm in a very emotional state right now, so if you're going to say mean things to me or things that will put more pressure on me please don't."

i started read the script again

she says "before you do that i have just one question, just one question... whn i'm better, will you let me..."

i cut her off "the answer is yes. utterly yes. when you are better. when you've worked this through. that's all i've ever wanted."

she kept interrupting me as i tried to get through the script and threw me off. she's always been able to do that to me. lobbing shit out of no-where - the exact words that she knows i will have no choice but to respond to. i managed to get the salient points out of my mouth. i then cut off her babbling as i didn't want to talk and she had her lawyer on hold (call waiting).

the call took about 5 minutes

she called me a little while later while daughter and i were still out at another store.

she started babbling about shit. i tried to keep her to the key points that i am prepared to discuss with her - visitation, sunday's concert (daughter), and christmas. she went all over the map.

some key takeaways:

1) she never threatened suicide. when i pointed out that she had told daughter "the only thing keeping me from suicide is you being here". she said "oh. i guess i did say that. nbut that's how i really felt at the time."

2) after i told her daughter was on prozac and under psychiatric care (not just a counselor) daughter isn't really all that concerned about the stbx. daughter isn't really that concerned about the suicide threats or discussion. she isn't that concerned about her mother. daughter is projecting daughter's guilt about daughter's bad decisions surrounding sexuality and daughter's expression of it.

if that makes no sense... the stbx brought up an incident in which daughter was "molested" by another girl of the same age at a sleepover when daughter was about 9 (the girl stuck her fingers up there on daughter).

the stbx said "daughter has made a number of poor choices in engaging in sexual activities. i think she, like everyone, has guilt about those poor choices. i think daughter has done some things she's not proud of - things that are beyond what she's able to handle at her age. and that she's just using the suicide thing with me as a way of projecting that guilt she feels about her own poor choices. so if she needs psychiatric help i think that's why."

i was pretty flabbergasted by this statement.

she went on to tell me how the only thing that she ever asked son for was to not smoke dope in the house and to go to school. and that was uncontrollable. she did nothing else with him - left him alone to do his own thing totally. total freedom

she asked if she could call the kids to tell them she loved them.

i smelled lawyer trick. i said she could, but that she should do it sooner than later - right now - so that she didn't upset daughter while she was at her friends in a short while. that she should refrain from one of her big emotional rambles and keep it short for now.

she asked me if she shouldn't phone, and if thought it wasn't best. i told her that i would provide maximum access that wouldn't upset or rattle the kids. that she should phone.

that's her testing - our laws call for maximum access for both parents

i told her i would talk to her on saturday about picking up the dance outfit, and on monday about visitation

she called the kids, and that was the end

friday's the day

on friday my lawyer will be filing papers with the stbx's lawyer

i am filing for sole custody of my daughter - my son at age 17 has already chosen

daughter, while torn at one level, is ok with it

i asked her whether she wanted to arrange a visit with her mother on monday night (her mother works 'til 9pm) after she is off work

daughter said "i don't want her to get the idea that i want to see her"

for all the ambivalence and fear about her mother's reaction, when it comes right down to it she wants to escape her mother as much as either son or i...

tomorrow is supposed to be switchover day

i will call the stbx and tell her that daughter will not be coming over and yet one more time that the stbx should be looking at counseling

i will warn her about calling the kids - that she is enjoined from unsupervised contact with them - that calling them (or me) repeatedly will constitute harassment

more later - i just don't have it in me to write a swack of stuff

there is so much going on between all of us and the swirl and chaos is all encompassing

----

"i don't want to set the world on fire
i just want to light a flame in your heart"

clarification

my ex assaulted me when i tried to pick up my daughter (friday was switchover day)

she struck me in the head and chest with her fists and lunged at and shoved me

in front of the kids

----

she had been in an altercation with my daughter earlier in the day when stbx pretended to be going to leave the house "I'm just leaving. i'm leaving and you and your father can live in this house with [Smitten] and i'll just disappear - you'll never see me again. you've made your choices. now live with them."

high drama

then she turned to leave

and daughter grabbed her and they scuffled

high drama - all aimed at pressuring my daughter to stay with stbx full time. to move two provinces away with the stbx.

stbx had pressured daughter into agreeing to move. but that wasn't enough. in almost the exact scenario i had to deal with the night i left the stbx, agreeing to "stay" wasn't good enough. she had to have more. so it wasn't enough to have daughter agree to move, but daughter had to immediately agree to stay full time with stbx - and start immediately. because stbx has to have it now - and have it all.

there are only her needs - and no-one else's

once again, stbx overplayed her hand. she took her eye off the ball of the eventual goal of having daughter move with her and got greedy - and in doing so she will have likely lost her endgame.

----

i explained to my kids that my decision to report the incident to the police is not motivated out of malice or revenge. that i was not out to "get" their mother or punish her. that i would not be going all "hardcore" on her. that my intent is to see if i can get their mother the help she needs through the courts and family services. get my children the intervention and support they need. force a few of my ideas on counselling and healthy options on the whole scenario (oddly - my ideas mirror public policy in this province... who'd 'a' thunk it?)

son says that he wishes that i would go hardcore. wishes that i would turn the screws hard. he says that he believes she is a sociopath and that her public fuck-upedness is a cover for a devious, manipulating, and malicious interior. he says he believes that she is "evil" (yes - that word).

daughter and i disagreed with son. we think she's just fucked up.

----

i explained to the kids that i had been thinking through the implications for a day. and that i had made my choice based on stepping back for a moment and thinking about all those papers and manuals i had written about how to deal with relationship violence. that if it wasn't me and it wasn't our family. if i was a woman and not a man - what would i say should be done.

and the answer was immediate.

i had to report it.

----

i thought about what my children witnessed - and the reports i have read over the years about children witnessing family violence

and now it's happened to mine

if my daughter was ever assaulted by a boyfriend or husband (or wife, if she goes fully that way) she will have at least one moment of modeling that has to do with being resolute and not caving in

----

my daughter said that she had been considering committing suicide earlier friday. that Alex - the friend of son's that is still staying at the house - came in and saw her and said "[Daughter] - what the fuck? Don't do that."

daughter says she blames herself for the scenario in which her mother would leave or abandon her.

i am still trying to extract some details about the situation, but have had difficulty because the kids have had friends around constantly since the incident.

if my daughter is moving toward suicidal thoughts i need to keep her away from the stbx

i am seeing social services and may lawyers on monday - until the stbx is in treatment i am going to try to keep daughter full-time until she is more stable.

we'll see if i can get around the stbx's lies and poor me story

a huge chunk of me believes that by the end of this, i will be the one in jail... from her lies

but my head prevails - i have to see this through

luckily i have a some aces in the sleeve

Alex and my son

and my daughter

and Chris - the guy who used to live there last year

all can provide proof of the stbx's whackedness

and because this is the police and assault and the domestic violence unit, this will alter daughter's behaviours and propensity to cover for her mother

daughter doesn't want to move away. she doesn't want to go with her mother - and even though she may actually love her mother - or may be even more stockholm syndrome than me

i think that given the proper cover and the proper "i couldn't lie" defense for why she told the truth - daughter will spill the beans

----

i think i am going to puke now...

the mildest thing

my last post is probably the mildest thing that happened yesterday...

this afternoon i will be going to the police station to file a complaint of assault and battery against the stbx.

it's very sad, but utterly necessary - she does not have any idea of the consequences of her actions

she only wants what she wants when she wants it - with no consideration of the effects on others

she has to be stopped and stopped hard

perhaps the outside intervention of the police and social services will alter this currently unwinnable situation (and by winnable, i mean that my children are safe and not under extreme stress)

she has been telling my daughter that the only thing that keeps her from suicide is my daughter's presence. she's threatened suicide. she's threatened abandonment to pressure daughter into agreeing to move with her to another province. daughter agreed.

daughter and her got into a physical altercation yesterday

there is much more

on monday i will be asking my lawyer's office to file papers to grant me temporary sole custody until there have been interviews and psychiatric assessments all 'round.

...my daughter just woke up - more later

among the more disturbing recent statements

cadbury (text message to daughter's cell phone [yes, i just bought them both cell phones and am paying for their bills]): "when should i come get you? 5?"

daughter texts back: "Um well i'm battling mom so i might be awhile... LOL also i promised i'd eat something here"

son ([in same room as me at apartment] after i read daughter's reply): "yeah, she's probably playing the suicide card again. that's where it sounded she was going to me when i talked to her. i'm going to take a shower."

it was the blase nature of his comment that was the most disturbing... that the stbx's suicide threats would now be normalised and just annoying. the disfunction continues...

----

son had earlier gotten off a call with her (30 minutes previously) where she had ranted and raved in a most deranged manner (i didn't ask him for any details).

he is attending school every day

his colour is better - even the teachers and principal at the school commented on how much better he looked and how much healthier and rested he seemed (meetings i was attending in order to resurrect son's school standing

he has seen his mom a few times in the last couple of weeks (2 1/2 weeks) since moving out. he still has some clothes there that we haven't pulled out

i overheard him say on his call with her: "I want to retain a relationship with you, and i want it to be a good one - i just can't live with you."

he has cut back on the amount of pot he's smoking - he's slipped up on a couple of the days, but has made an honest effort. i've asked him not to smoke it on sunday, monday, wednesday, or friday up until we finish exercising (m/w/f are exercise days)

----

BTW - things are better now

my health, my arm, my spirits

dad is ok - and being an asshat (not doing his exercise and such...)

son is good - he's made the break

things are changing for the better

dad is good (so far), son moved out of stbx's house

dad is fine

surgery went well. six bypasses, no aortic replacement.

as of this time he has the ventilating tube removed, and was conscious. the old bastard must be pretty tough. he was conscious and aware. he knew who he was, where he was, and what had happened.

that is apparently not what usually happens in the first few hours after bypass surgery. we are told there is usually substantial disorientation

all his limbs are functional so there appears to be no stroke.

my brother saw him and talked to him at about 10:30 pm our time - he had just come out of sedation and had the ventilator tube removed

i am happy that things are far better than i had prepared myself to deal with.

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son moved out of his mothers last night

he is here full time now

for now - but i expect permanently

more on this tomorrow

dad's surgery is on wednesday/withdrew from classes

as above

the prognosis is much better than i expected/was concerned

thank-you to Sicilian for the information you provided about bypass/replacement surgery

i am still VERY concerned about the possibility of stroke after the fact, as is my sister. my mother and father do not have the same level of concern, saying that the doctor has not mentioned it. i pressed my dad to ask the question specifically, but he hasn't so far.

i call avoidance...

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i have put together a plan(s) and sold it to my sister (eldest child/overachiever of the family) to address the potential outcomes:

1) he's fine (normal recovery)
2) he dies
3) he clearly requires institutionalisation
4) he suffers a level of incapacitation that leaves it unclear if he should be in an institution... leaving my mother to care for him - which she can't. she cannot

in regard to instance 4: at my suggestion my sister made initial contact with the priest who is Vicar General of the Diocese and the Archbishop in the event that outside intervention is required to get my dad to agree to going to an institution. he can be a selfish, egotistical, self-centred son-of-a-bitch at times.

very kind many days, but he generally comes first in his world and he really doesn't care whom he inconveniences or puts out.

(i remember one time i was in a briefing with the Premier of the province - he called my cell phone. i skipped the call. he called 3 more times and i finally said i needed to take the call. i told my father "Dad - I'm in a briefing with the Premier." his response: "Oh... Well, I'll only take a minute."

I hung up on him and turned off my cell phone (i generally leave it on at all times so the kids can reach me).

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my mom is in pretty rough shape - this si taking a terrible toll on her

she has post polio syndrome

what is post polio? i believe it is fibromyalgia - as do a number of experts in the field. either way it mirrors the fatigue and fog of FM. and the pain and the stress responses.

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as noted in the post title, i dropped my classes

more later

P.S.

thank-you to all of you for your thoughts, wishes and prayers

i mean that in the most heartfelt way

thank-you

surgery

dad's going in for open heart surgery on the 17th

quadruple or quintuple bypass

some kind of heart repair something

and likely some kind of aortic replacement (planned but not certain)...

for a dude who's been having TIAs and has massive arterial plaque issues...

the 17th is the last possible date i can pull out of my classes with just a withdrawal and no failure recorded

it is the day i expect my father to die or be permanently disabled from a stroke

hopefully that will not come to pass and the old fart will pull it through

my mother has complained that he seems to think that by sheer force of personality he can overcome his physical condition

i hope he is enough an asshole to prove her right

all in a day

one of my professors just sent me an email recommending i withdraw from his class and take it again next semester
(context: fibromyalgia and family issues)

my dad's angiogram is complete. they are keeping him in hospital to do bypass surgery (how many bypasses, i don't know). for some reason there is a gasterointerologist involved... so maybe there is more than just the heart issues - we just don't know yet

i guess that solves the health insurance while in the U.S. issue - 'cause they're not going anywhere

where's cadbury?

how much in the way of chunks do i blow as a human being?

plenty

how much chunks is life blowing in general?

plenty

as i said to my counsellor on thursday "i'd rather be dead right now, but there just wouldn't be any point in it because it wouldn't solve any of my problems..."

don't worry, i'm in no way a danger of doing harm to myself

if nothing else, i know that even were i curled into a little sobbing ball, i'm of better value to my children than their mother

and i haven't been in that curled, sobbing ball publicly yet...

the pain is what has really taken me down. everything else is so much harder to take when i am in such incredible pain. my arm and shoulder are just beyond words in how much pain they have been causing me. please remember - am not a suck about pain - i get my teeth drilled with no anesthetic.

the prescribed drugs don't help. massage doesn't help. physio doesn't help. acupuncture doesn't help. electro-stimulation acupuncture hasn't helped.

the pain and the other crap in life has brought back a massive fibromyalgia attack. it's as bad as its been since 2004 - before i began my exercise and fitness regime and before i left the stbx

the muscle spasms and acute pain (rather than the dull general "bruised" pain of the overall fibro condition) started to spread to other parts of my body

i haven't been able to do my assignments for school because i can't think clearly past the pain. the pain and the fibro fog. i had to ditch one of my midterms because i couldn't think well enough. the assignments and exams are pending - i had registered with the disabilities office and that is helping the profs be able to give me leeway under the rules.

i wasn't able to attend class all week this last week.

the one bright spot is that last week i went to see Lenny Kravitz - which was cool in and of itself - but i decided to get really high for the concert (took a cab home). my arm hurt much less after that. fibromyalgia is one of the conditions that is eligible for medical marijuana in canada. mine is legal - i had some left from a couple of years ago (yeah - it was pretty dry...) and did that.

i called a person i know and got a small amount more - i am desperate and will try anything at this point - anything to make the pain go away

it worked for a couple of days in conjunction with relaxation, but the pain and fog came roaring back on sunday and monday when i went to buckle down into my assignments (because my brain was clear enough of pain to work)

my arm is a bit better now, so it is not quite as excruciating and the spasming has stopped spreading to other parts of my body

my anxiety level has been juiced up to the unreal

on thursday and friday i could barely function without starting to degenerate into tears - other may not have noticed it or known, but that is what was happening inside

the kids were with their mom, and she was being even more of a freak. she has a new schtick because fighting and arguing didn't work. now she goes on rambling rants/talking and crying/weeping jags. the kids say it's worse that fighting with her because at least then they were fighting.

Son and daughter are smoking drugs all the time... they are missing a pile of school (absences)

Smitten pointed out to me that the new behaviour out of the stbx and the kids reaction is much worse - because now they are subject to the same pressures as before, but don't even get the protection of defending themselves verbally

they are now just taking the emotional drubbing - like the dog in the electrified floor experiment

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Learned Helplessness


Psychologist Martin Seligman spent years studying the impact of "controllability" on people and animals which is described n his book, Learned Helplessness: On Depression, Development and Death.

In a typical study matched pairs of dogs were divided into two groups, one where the dog could control what happened and one where it could do nothing. In the first situation, a naive dog was place in a room with an electric grid floor. This first situation was called "controllable" because the room also contained a puzzle. If the dog "solved" the puzzle, the shock stopped. In this example the puzzle was a lever, which when pushed, turned off the shock.

Since the dog had never been in the room before and it had no knowledge of the shock it was about to receive, the dog was relaxed and friendly as it wagged its tail and wiggled its nose. However, when the electric floor was activated, the dog's demeanor changed dramatically. It jumped and yelped as it frantically searched for a way out. In the process the dog accidentally pushed the lever, causing the shock to stop - a powerful negative win. Over the next couple of trials when the dog was put back in the room and the shock turned on, the dog learned very quickly to run to the lever and push it. The dog was highly motivated - albeit avoidance motivation - because the dog learned that it could do something to control its world.

The dog in the "uncontrollable" group was placed in the same room with the electric floor, only this time there was no puzzle and there was nothing that the dog could do to turn off the shock. Just like the first dog, it ran around trying to find a way out. When the dog eventually learned that there was nothing that it could do it gave up, and laying down on the floor, it took the shock. The dog was not motivated because it learned that it was helpless.

Later the second dog that had learned that it was helpless was put into the room with the puzzle but it made no effort to find a way out. Instead the dog just lay on the floor and took the shock. Even when the door was left wide open, the dog did not attempt to escape the shock. The dog could not seem to learn that the conditions had changed and that it was no longer helpless.

To summarize, the second dog "learned" that it was helpless and stopped trying to get away. Its motivation to escape was extinguished or eliminated. In the process, dog exhibited a lot of negative emotions: first yelping and growling, later whimpering, and eventually just remaining motionless. Something happened that interfered with the dog's ability to learn when things changed and when it could do something. In effect, the dog burned out.

Powerlessness at work can affect people in the same way. As you learn that there is nothing you can do you'll probably experience negative emotions, beginning with frustration and anger, later anxiety and guilt, and eventually depression and despair. In the process, motivation declines. When the conditions change you will probably find it hard to learn and continue acting helpless.

- http://www.docpotter.com/boclass-25helplessness.html

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also you may wish to read my posts Desperation and Objectivity and Traumatic Bonding

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hey, did i mention that my dad has Angina? and is going in for an angiogram and probable angioplasty next week... and probable arterial stent

so he's in not so great shape

they are looking at leaving for the U.S. (Texas for the winter) in the next couple of weeks, but Dad's health insurance for the U.S. is now going to be fucked - they're looking into what can be done on that front.

in canada it's not an issue - you get whatever you need for as long as you need it until you die or don't need it

health insurance - what a fucked up system of health care. have a condition? ok - we won't cover you - because what would be the point of giving people the health care they need - that would just cost money... and health isn't about health it's about profit

fuck-you

----

i am trying to meet the challenges as head on as i can. i know that i have a big avoidance streak and that has kicked in hard, but my head at least knows that won't work.

i am:

kicking meat and wheat out of my diet (except for my pita on the morning see Cadbury's Healthy Breakfast

going vegan + fish again - on The Diet

taking my vitamins every day - bought some of those old people daily pill boxes and put the daily vitamins into it so that it takes no effort to just slap them into my hand and then swallow - yes - there are moments when opening the 8 or so pill bottles is too much effort to work up the will to do...

going to counselling twice a week. we are working on two things: 1) relaxation therapy; 2) anxiety reconditioning (like brainwashing yourself out of existing anxiety responses)

exercising every day

aggressively working within the system at the university to make sure my difficulties don't screw my life plan

working with the schools to help my kids

took son to the doctor to see if there is any medical intervention that can be done with him

have an appointment for 2 weeks for son (2nd appointment) and one for daughter

(more on that story later)

cleaning my place up to make it a better and less cluttered/messy environment

going through old boxes of papers and things and shredding and discarding

trying to keep my hygiene and deportment up (shaving regulary - making sure i dress reasonably well to look good)

doing fun positive things - movies with friends and kids (comedies), walks in the fresh air when it's nice enough, addressing the positives

trying to take at least one hour every day for self-care - working on my my relaxation and anxiety workbooks and meditation, and finally doing the exercises in my post traumatic stress disorder workbook

blah, blah, blah

more later

slipping over the edge

i'm slipping over the edge

i really am having difficulty coping

between

my son's depression, school absences, and drug use (pot, salvia)

my daughter's dyed black hair, overuse of makeup, party attendance and drug use (pot, salvia)

my ex's screaming fits on the kids - which they have normalised - and ranting tirades keeping them up late at night and keeping them from going to exercise or doing just about anything

the insane amount of work in my classes

how hard the math and related stuff is

the pain i am still in (shoulder/arm)

that Smitten is so on edge because i am not giving her what she had before in our relationship (mostly because of all the fucked up shit coming from the ex and the kids)

the fact that i am so defensive around her now

my parents deteriorating relationship and my Dad's incessant calls about how my mom is being so hurtful to him

Dad's deteriorating health and mental condition

the change in weather - first snow a couple of weeks ago - temperature freezing overnight, up to about 50F daytime - grey skies

not exercising because of workload and perceived demands for my time from the kids and Smitten

an inability to concentrate

and the roaring return of my fibromyalgia

and so much more...

i'm slipping over the edge

(no - i'm not suicidal - just unable to cope)

did i see my shadow?

emerging from my hole with a few thoughts

1) i went to the gym last night - first time in about 2 weeks

i left thinking to myself

"Why does any large group of men generally smell like an old gym sock?"

2) my daughter and i were discussing sex and sexuality issues

i really didn't need to know that spanking turns her on

(practice or just fantasy... i dunno)

3) snow sucks

i hate this fucking place

actually i hate the weather. the place is ok

i guess

4) university was never this hard before

but that was social sciences - something i have been schooled in from birth

5) while i see the beauty of math sometimes

i still understand why i hate it so much

maybe i will grow to enjoy it