Asked A Woman Out

I asked a woman out today. She works in another work unit in the building. I've known her for a few years - we like each other. I asked her to go to a jazz club on Friday night. She said yes.

Then she sent me an email saying no.

She said she recently got dumped and had been broken hearted, and just started seeing another guy. She said she wants to see where the other relationship goes, and doesn't want to mess it up.

"You are a great guy and I hope you don't take this personally,
Sorry,"

I wandered down to her office and told her that I was fine with everything, and that I had taken a flyer not knowing if she was dating someone or not.

She said that given her situation and mine, it would not work for her.

I said I was sorry if I had made things awkward for her at all.

She said no, and hoped I was OK with it.

I said I was.

----

I had previously checked out whether she was dating or not with a mutual friend in her office, and to my friend's knowledge she wasn't dating as of a couple of weeks ago.

I suspect one of two scenarios: 1) She got cold feet because of potential complications. 2) Her explanation is 100% legit.

Either way, I probably took the leap too soon.

Oh, well.

Maybe after my situation clears up.

or

whatever

[later edit]

i just got off the phone with my friend. she said the woman i asked out was sincere both in initially wanting to go out with me, and the situation of her declination.

my friend said they both said they thought i had "seriously brass balls" (their words, not mine) for asking that quickly after separating and not choking - and handling the turndown with aplomb and grace...

as above

whatever

now i need to find someone else to go out with Friday night

anybody up for an evening of acid jazz with a live DJ at a funky bistro?

Moved In

I've had the beds/mattresses since last week. My brother and I assembled most of the bunkbed, and I finished it mid-week while waiting for the TV guys to come hook up my internet and TV service.

I have a TV (parents old one) and some living room furniture. I have a table and some chairs. I have a microwave (my parents old one), coffee maker, and a toaster oven. I have lamps and night tables and things.

I now have some dishes, pots and pans, flatware, cooking utensils, and various other accoutrements of a household.

There is food in the fridge and some stuff in the cupboards.

I have toilet paper and a shower curtain and limited toiletries.

I have the makings of a household. There are still boxes and stuff piled around.

The kids stayed over on Saturday night.

More stuff is still arriving, and as I am sorting out what I have, people who know me (friends and co-workers) are volunteering more stuff - at times pulling it out of their own cupboards and/or buying me stuff - yeah - some people are buying stuff to make it easier for me.

I've been asked to make a list of what I need.

There is a consensus emerging (directly stated and implied by actions) that most of the people who know me don't want me to go back to Mrs_C.

It's not just because they are my friends and they are helping me out, or are bailing me out of an action I've taken... in the cases where I have inquired this is a well formed opinion. These folks apparently haven't been happy for some years with how Mrs_C conducted herself toward me.

The 50+ women are the harshest in their comments.

Not blowing my horn, but apparently I am the best Dad they've ever seen - and apparently a good spouse too... Just so my head doesn't swell, they still happily list various of my other faults - including not getting stuff done on time, forgetting things, and a messy office.

Also, apparently no one else has noticed any problem with me being able to express myself emotionally.

I'm putting the above comments in this post, not to ask for accolades or anything, but because I need to keep reinforcing positive ideas. Emotionally, for me, sometimes things are good and sometimes things are bad. I need to reinforce to me, in my own mind, that I am a good person and that I am not "destroying our family".

I am also posting these comments because I am looking around with clearer eyes. Some of what I am seeing is new to me. My parents' exhortations to "just get some sleep" are proving to be true. I feel like I have just woken up. I'm a little wobbly and a little groggy, but I have new eyes for this situation.

By saying it out loud (or by posting it here) it becomes more real. The understanding becomes more real.

I Must Not Think With My Dick

I Must Not Think With My Dick.
I Must Not Think With My Dick.
I Must Not Think With My Dick.
I Must Not Think With My Dick.
I Must Not Think With My Dick.
I Must Not Think With My Dick.
I Must Not Think With My Dick.

um, yeah

Mrs_C has lost about 15-20 lbs since the really bad turmoil began.

She looked good before. She looks really hot now.

She went out and bought some new clothes. They are much more provocative than she has ever worn before. She has made sure she has been wearing said clothes around me.

On Sunday, I almost faltered... (It's been a couple of weeks and I woke up dreaming about her, or rather, about getting it on with her).

I know she's doing it to try to lead me by my dick (as I have noted previously), but my head has usually been in control of that portion of my anatomy, so I'm aware that it is a deliberate strategy.

Other Things On My Mind

1) I am thinking I will see how we survive in the apartment over the next month or two - especially come school. If we are doing OK - even though I don't like the idea of the kids having to share the room, it will only be for week on week off.

I could clear up some serious amount of bills by staying in the apartment and not trying for the house. Next spring my car payment is dead, another payment is dead, and I will have knocked a huge whack off my credit cards - I would be in a much stronger position to buy the house. I could make it right now, but I would have to shave some corners, and in a couple of months have to lean on my parents.

Even if housing prices went up by 5 - 7% (our city has a fairly strong upward trend in property prices right now - booming economy) I would have about $1200 per month after those payments are gone. That would make things much easier - even if I had to pay another $5-10,000 for the house.

2) My poor son (14) is being driven to a state of mental exhaustion by Mrs_C and by the stress of the situation. I feel very badly for him. I really want the apartment to be ready (should be ready Saturday) so he can have a refuge.

My only consolation is that I know he will survive. He will not have a breakdown in the next week, and he will then have my place to escape to.

I have to be able to help him in the long term, so I have to leave him hanging a little right now.

3) Mrs_C wants me to go to her sister's condo in the mountains in August. I don't think I will. When I mentioned it to the kids, they rolled their eyes and were not very favourably responsive toward - negative in fact.

4) Somehow, when I was imagining things before hand, my place was a whole lot "cooler" than it is...

I'm a little disappointed.

I think it's also because it's a shambles and half moved into. I think I will be happier once I am actually moved in and have been able to spend a couple of hundred dollars on customising it.

A few African curios and masks, some Indian bits and pieces from my travel collection (remember the boxes Mrs_C made me put away?). A few of my friend's paintings - it should be much better.

I'm just anxious. I want it to be nice.

----

My Dad came up to visit my place tonight. He said he thought "it will be an entirely livable space." Yes - he speaks like that...

Time to sleep. Time to give the thinking a rest.

Joint Counselling Session

I arrived shortly before we were to begin. I saw Mrs_C walking toward the counsellor's office. She had obviously dressed up for the session - I complimented her on how she looked.

She said she had dressed hot for me.

I thanked her and repeated my compliment.

As for the session, it sucked.

It went well for the first little while. We were discussing things with the counsellor moderating and asking leading questions. Mrs_C was spending a bunch of time apologising (not what made it go well at the beginning - I tried to stop her from doing so - I don't really want an apology - I have no need or desire that she abase herself for me).

We were talking about Mrs_C spending her time emoting instead of listening to me.

Mrs_C tried to lead in by saying "I don't believe that he really wants this to work out and he has just been laying the groundwork to let me down easy over the last year"

The counsellor says "If he didn't want it to work, why would he be here?" Cut her off short on a number of her "poor me" and "i'm so vulnerable" and "victim" plays.

The counsellor was asking us to outline what we wanted out of the relationship. Mrs_C had her say. I began to give a well thought out analysis and outline of what i wanted (i had written it out prior to the session, just to be clear in my own head).

We were previously talking about me spending too much time on analysing situations and trying to troubleshoot them, instead of addressing emotional issues.

Both mrs_c and the counsellor butted in to my outline and said that they thought that my answer was a little clinical - that it lacked an expression of emotion. I'm thinking "what the fuck?"

I said i preferred to stay in the realm of the tangible instead of romping off into things like emotionally based accusations like "you are having an affair"

So while i was thinking about that they started talking about my difficulty in being prepared to address the emotion behind a comment - like "you are having an affair"

um, what?

i should address the emotion behind the comment and ignore the fallacious accusation? the damaging accusation? an accusation that if left unchallenged becomes the truth because i didn't challenge it?

yup - that is what the counsellor said.

that's where it went off the rails

Mrs_C, who had been sniffling and apologising through the early part of the session, changed tack. I had been relatively strongly and adamantly been stating my case. Mrs_C had been crying, apologetic and meek, I was large, deep-voiced, and strong about my grievences.

Yup.

Mrs_C played the counsellor.

I forced the conversation back to me saying what i wanted.

Mrs_C dropped a bomb in the middle "Can I ask a question about something I want?" she interupts, "Why won't he hug me when we see each other?"

a lie

the counsellor asks "what is your response to that?"

i say "It's not true, and there was only one occasion since i moved out that i refused to hug and that was last night". I then gave a series of examples of when i had hugged her and challenged mrs_c to name any other time than the night before.

the counsellor chided me for getting into an examination of the statement instead of looking at the emotional need underneath the statement

i said that i preferred to deal with reality, not bullshit

that pissed off the counsellor

mrs_c then additionally accused me of not wanting to discuss where the kids would be staying on what schedule. i said that it was a non-issue until my apartment was ready to be set up and until we had decided how summer vaction was going to work. i said i was committed to the principle of maximum exposure for each parent and would absolutely fair and equitable in my requests.

that pissed off the counsellor

she said that it was fair to ask for a discussion about where the kids would go

i said that i had been out of the house for 6 days, that i didn't have my apartment set up, and that i had not been given a reponse on summer vacation schedules - and that the kids were at the house with their mom every day until my apartment got set up and that i saw some multi-hour discussion of kid sharing as ridiculous until other issues were settled because the kids would be staying with their mom except on an ad-hoc basis until i got the apartment finished - and that a multi-hour discussion would only delay that!!!

then they were both on me about my position

a completely logical position

1) a decision can't be made right now
2) a discussion is out of the question until the other issues are addressed
3) mrs_c is working late shift, an arrangment is in place until the weekend, so the issue is irrelevant until at least the weekend and should be deferred until then

they both went off the deep end and said that my position failed to address the fundamental need for mrs_c to have the security she needed to have with regard to the kids

yup

about 1 hour and 20 minutes into the session mrs_c had the counsellor's number and deftly threw bombs in at just the right time to have the counsellor do her dirty work

you see, her manueuver meant i was on the defensive and answering all the questions instead of her

the same as the "discussions" in garage. throw bombs - keep me answering and on the defensive - and she doesn't have to answer shit or answer for anything

i was on the defensive and getting worn down for about 20 more minutes

as i realised how this was working i cut them both off

i said loudly and with command "I think this session is over. Two hours is enough. This is just like the discussions in the garage. I'm done!"

I got up to leave.

The counsellor looked seriously pissed off. I was so mad I didn't even look at mrs_c.

The counsellor said "Yes, we're past time anyway, it's after 6 [pm]. I need to get going."

I said "thank-you for your time" and left.

Mrs_C came after and I outlined my above stated position again. I said I would not engage in the discussion until the weekend. She agreed.

She then repeated that she had dressed hot to try to attract me. She then went on to point out that the dress she was wearing was a size 4 (when we married she was a 9/10) and that if nothing else the separation had been good for her figure - she was the smallest she had ever been in her adult life.

I replied "Always a silver lining" and walked away.

Sunday Morning Coffee With Mrs_C

[a rant]

On Sunday morning I get a call from Mrs_C about 8:55am. I'm still sleeping. I'd been up 'til 2am. I was moving in until around midnight, and couldn't sleep back at my parents - so I looked at real estate listings until 2am.

[tangent]
I had briefly discussed my future housing with my Mom when we were out getting mattresses and stuff. I cautiously mentioned that I would likely be approaching them about part of the costs or co-signing and other efforts related to getting into a house - I want that 3rd bedroom. Payments on a house in the size and price I want would cost less than rent of a 3 bedroom house or apartment. Mom said that wohatever would be would be, and that Dad was the finance guy to figure out how anything would work.

(Why would I be asking them? Because it's easier than trying to lift the whole weight myself. Easier than some of the scraping and hardship that would entail within a solo effort.)

I deliberately left the listings I printed out on my Dad's printer in in home office (he's retired - he's doing some work as a research fellow at the university and some cosulting, but he's around 80 years old). Yes, I know it's a bit of game playing on my part, and I'd live in a hole if were just me (I've done it before) to avoid leaning on my parents, but we're talking about my kids here - I'd sell my sorry ass on the streets for them. I figured that Dad would find the listings (Dad hasn't seen a piece of paper anywhere that he hasn't wanted to read or snoop at... this was like leaving a steak in front of a doghouse), they would see I'm not looking for the moon and stars, they would discuss it, and they would come up with a plan that would work for them. It would also allow them to pre-emptively think about and discuss the matter whithout me having to make a "formal request". It worked perfectly. They already had a preliminary plan in place in less than a day and had already spoken to their lawyer (on a Sunday no less) about some of their ideas. It included a rent-to-own structure for the first year followed by a mortgage assumption. This would also avoid any possibility of Mrs_C trying to grab any piece of the home (and my parent's money) as an asset in a divorce proceeding.
[/tangent]

But back to the phone call from Mrs_C.

She calls. She wants me to read something. I say "Uh, I was asleep." She says "oh, I thought you were going to be up early to work on things..." The night before I had begged off coming in to the house for tea when dropping the kids off. I had told her I needed to be up early to do stuff (9am on Sunday morning is early for me, by the way - also early for her - she usually sleeps until about 11 - 11:30am Sunday)

She wants me to read something. Says its important. Says she wants me to read it as soon as possible.

I groggily agree. I fall right back to sleep. I wake up and hour later. I'm up in flash - in a panic - good lord, I've kept Mrs_C waiting. I stumble out to the kitchen, where I see my Mom reading the paper and tell her I'm late to meet Mrs_C can she help me by getting my food for breakfast ready while I shower.

Mom is up right away and is getting stuff in order, and then asks "OK, what time were you supposed to meet her? Should you be giving her a call?" I say "No, I said I would call her when I was ready, but that was an hour ago and I fell asleep."

Mom asks "OK, so she called you?"

Me "Yes"

Mom "Do you want to meet with her?"

Me "Not really"

Mom "And so why are you getting your shit in a knot?"

And it dawns on me. I'm still scurrying. I'm still reacting in panic.

Mom "Why not tell her you'll meet with her when you damn well feel like it?"

By this time I was thinking - yeah - why did i go into panic mode?

I proceeded at an even pace, but still went to meet Mrs_C at a coffee shop. I didn't apologise for keeping her waiting or even mention how long it took.

She gives me this section from her Dr. Phil book to read that has something about being a "demanding taker" and not a "giver" and about being demanding and not allowing other people to give in their own way - always demanding that giving be on the "taker's terms".

She said that she had realised that was something she did. She went into some long half weepy apology.

Whatever.

I had arranged for daughter to go horseback riding later that afternoon (her first time). Mrs_C asked if she could come along. I was really taken aback. I said no, I didn't see how it would work - I had made the arrangments on the basis of an appeal to kindness/charity that my daughter/kids needed a special outing because of separation related stress. I said it would hardly work to suddenly show up with Mrs_C in tow with no prior notice. I also gave her shit for proposing such a thing with no notice, considering she had known about the outing since Friday.

I told her that I had arranged a bunch of special activities and things to do for the kids based on appeal to kindness because of the divorce and that her coming along would not work in those contexts. I said that a big chunk of my vacation was based on calling in favours surrounding the separation. I talked about some of the elements of that vacation plan.

Can you believe Mrs_C had the audacity to ask to come along? She wanted to come along for most of the activities.

I was hopping mad! I told her that it pissed me off that she was going to try and ride on the coattalis of my planning. I told her I was pissed off that she couldn't even phone her sister to see if we could use their condo in the mountains even though I had been telling Mrs_C to call her since February - and now she wants to ride on the planning I did in one or two days when she couldn't get off her ass since February? I let her have it. I told her I was pissed at the state of the house and the refrigerator since I left. I told her she bitches at the kids to eat healthily and then doesn't put any food in the friedge to eat - much more healthy food - they're home for summer vacation.

I let fly on all the logistical stuff I did over our whole marriage and how she said I never did anything.

I ranted for some time (about 15 minutes). It was all polite, and all accurate, and no repetition - all the things I did that involved planning and management that had fallen apart in a matter of 5 days after I left. That especially included all the menu and meal planning - as well a making sure there was a steady supply and variety of healthy meals, lunches, and after-school snacks. Most of the management of the kids school and activity stuff fell to me too.

It felt good to get those comments off my chest.

I told her that when I brought the kids back from the horseback riding I had better find quality food in the fridge or she'd be in some serious shit from me.

blah, blah, blah a little while longer

I left to continue my apartment move-in.

----

For the record, she had bought food, but missed buying drinks for the lunches my daughter needs to take to her arts camp this week - so at 11:30 at night I'm off buying juice boxes.

Good planning Mrs_C...

Update

Little of my writing muse inhabits me today.

Moving. Furniture, boxes. Son helped me carry stuff, so did daughter, so did a friend of mine because Mrs_C took the kids to the beach with their cousins.

My Mom bought me a mattress and box springs, and bunk beds and mattresses for the kids. It's a two bedroom apartment. In the next couple of months I am looking for a place with 3 bedrooms. The bunk beds are the kind that can be split into two single beds.

My friend has a pile of art he did (he is an artist) in storage. He said he would store in on my walls if he gets it back. I accepted.

I took daughter out horseback riding at a friend's place and son went along - he ended spending the day shooting a BB gun all day. They both had loads of fun. They didn't want to go back to Mrs_C when I took them home, so I let them come with me to the apartment for the last of the evening.

When I picked them up to go out to the farm, daughter said "Hey Dad! Whatever you do, you're not allowed to ask us 'How are you doing? Are you OK? Do you have any feelings you want to talk about?'"

I started to answer her telling her "I don't want to ask you anything you don't feel comfortable in talking about..." when son interupts and says "Yeah, and don't walk up to us and say 'You know, you can hug me if you want... [oh, give meee a huuuug]' (last part said in a simpering soto voice).

They both burst into laughter.

Son says "Yeah, she makes like she's trying to comfort us and what she really wants is us to comfort her."

The time on the farm riding and shooting and eating burgers and pie and ice cream was a wonderful no stress zone.

Mrs_C continues to be REALLY weird. She's kinda falling apart. But that's a story for a different time.

Everything that is really important is out.

I have to rescue my winter clothes and coats, and my computer books and my other books (the ones in the boxes) - and my recipe books, but that's it.

Mrs_C is working a late shift, so I have clear time after work to get it out.

As my head clears I have a pretty good idea that even though my official response is still "I want everything to work out" and "This separation is meant to give us the distance we need to learn how to communicate in a way that doesn't cause problems."

Everybody else seems to see the writing on the wall.

I do to. I'm play-acting until all my stuff is out of the house.

I can see it getting complicated and ugly, but there is equal chance Mrs_C will just collapse on her own.

Me - I'm making sure that I establish myself as solid ground and shelter that my children can seek.

They are already avoiding her weepy tragic, headgame, poor me stuff. They are already being subjected to multi-hour conversations about "how they feel". I said that those conversations were one of the major reasons I left.

Yes - I am documenting it. I will only allow it to continue long enough to document it.

Yesterday the kids told her they wanted the option of making their own choice as to where they lived.

I would like to say that I have been excrutiatingly fair (with the occasional jab) about their mother. I am trying to dissuade them from some of their more bitter comments, by telling them that calling down their Mom will not win me over more - that they have all of my love, and that i will never abandon them or leave them without support.

I have told them that they should beware of bias on both sides - her and I, and to beware of the politics that will inevitably come out of both their mother and I. That they should view some of our statements as attempts to win them over, and that even if I may do it now and again, I am trying not to, but that they should form their own opinions and make their own determinations - not adopt ours.

----

Each day is a new day.

Interlude

My daughter (10) cried when I left last night. That was bad. I tried to console her as best I could before I left.

When I went to sleep on the first full day away, it was hard to not have someone to hold.

I still can't take looking at our backyard and our garden. The tree-fort I built for the kids, the raised beds I built - with Mrs-C's perfectly tended and spaced rows in them. The flowers. The deck, the doghouse (all-weather +100 to -55) and kennel, the bricked and groveled pathways. We did it together and for each other. It is iconic of a dying or dead dream. That yard is the hardest thing to deal with.

Mrs_C is losing her shellshock and is starting to work me to come back - already. She called me on my cell at 8:30am to tell me that she read an article on the net that said that time-outs from a marriage shouldn't be more than 3 weeks. I said we would stick to plan and see the counselor next week and see how things worked out.

I/we framed the situation as a need for a time-out to see if things will work, with the possibility things could work out - that line was specifically formulated for daughter.

Even Mrs_C used the word "if" things work out.

Now she is trying to rewrite things.

Not unexpected.

I'm not going to the west coast with my parents as I originally planned. I can't afford it. Well, I can, but prudence dictates that I hoard/hide cash and/or pay down credit card debt - that can always be converted back to cash.

I'm planning a pretty funky set of day and overnight trips within a couple of hours of my city. I am calling in favours and leaning on friends and relatives.

I seem to have a surfeit of goodwill toward me out there.

I am also cheesily leaning on the happiness of my children and their well-being to make people feel guilty - and making them all feel good. Most of my friends and co-workers are pathological and career do-gooders, so appealing to their sense of do-goodness is a fine idea.

My daughter has a smile and a personality that would make Sauron want to bake brownies with her. My son (14) is highly thought of by my do-gooder friends and family as well.

People want to help me out. That is good.

I am taking daughter out to learn how to ride a horse starting this Sunday - for free - a friend - this horse is a mare with a new colt (4 weeks old). This friend had a bad divorce about a year ago. He has grown children, and grand-kids about my daughters age. He has realised his errors of life focus - being in the "action" - and is looking for redemption for being a grumpy regularly absent father by being the nicest grandfather he can. He is thrilled to teach my daughter to ride.

I am leaning on friends and relatives with cottages and livestock farms to have us do stuff at their places, stay for free, and show us around.

I think it will be OK. The only potential negative vector, as always, will be if Mrs_C decides to lose it...

My apartment is OK. Only two bedrooms right now - the kids will have to share and bunk-bed it for the next couple of months while I sort out permanent arrangements. I'm looking for a house (dog considerations).

I will be furnished in early "Art Scroungo" style. I will have to sew furniture covers and curtains. I think I will be able to do OK from a decorating and style sense. I want to have nice surroundings for myself and for the kids.

When I talked to my son a month or so back, and we drove past some rental townhouses, he said "Hey Dad - can we decorate any place we get? Can we have pictures on the wall? [girl from school] lives in one of those places, and it looks like they are ready to move out on a moments notice. That they don't really live there. Can we put up pictures and stuff to make it ours?"

He's right. Even if it is a transitional low(er) cost temporary apartment (it's only a couple of blocks from our house - walking distance for the kids), it needs to be someplace we are moving to. Not somewhere we are moving because we are escaping from somewhere else.

I will make a home for myself and my children.

Cadbury Has Left The Building - Part 2

In the morning I woke up, showered, put on the same clothes, called home to say I was coming and went there.

I called work and said I wouldn't be coming in.

Just as I arrived I got a panic call about a network problem and a server issue and some other shit. I had to go fix it. I suppose it's good to be indispensable.

After that was done, Mrs_C and I talked calmly for a bit. Mrs_C agreed things would be better with a "time-out" from each other and from pushing each other's buttons and anxiety points.

I prepared and ate lunch with her and my kids. It was good lunch. After we explained to them what would be happening. They took it OK.

I spent the afternoon getting all my hook-ups (power, phone, etc) done. I did a little packing my stuff - all the financial papers and business records.

I was going to move the boxes out of the house, but Mrs_C had gone normal, and she said it wasn't and issue, and I didn't want to provoke her.

She asked me - "just out of interest", she said - why would I pack the boxes of papers first instead of clothes or personal effects? So I told her that I had prepared a checklist for the event of an acrimonious parting and that the top priority on the list was financial documents. Even if the acrimony had dissolved that was still the task list that was present in my head, and I hadn't thought about re-ordering that list. She said "That makes perfect sense. That fits with your ways of doing things. Now I understand."

Just to make sure no shit would happen if I left the boxes, I pointed out that if she fucked up the deal I've worked up to fix that nagging financial issue from my business (which will be worth tens of thousands in written off obligation - my appeal about improperly applied penalties and stuff is almost complete and appears like it will be successful) she would be on the hook for half of that amount under our jurisdiction's laws.

She said that she wouldn't have done anything no matter how mad she got, but that the additional incentive of being freed of the penalties and payments would be a godsend in all scenarios.

Yeah. Too bad people. My parents had the same opinion as you "You told her what? I sure hope you know what your doing. What if she goes unbalanced between now and then?"

I had some delicate handling to do there. I also wanted to make sure there were no accusations of hiding anything. I also didn't have any brainpower left to make any shit up - so I defaulted to telling the truth and trying to protect my interests within that context.

The boxes are all still there in exactly the shape I left them.

Later we ate supper with the kids again, and also went to fix one of our roof vents.

It broke during the repair job and we bought a replacement. It was too dark to finish the job and I left for my parents.

Cadbury Has Left The Building - Part 1

I'm out. I've Left. I'm sleeping at my parent's place. I have an apartment I will get possession of on Friday.

On Monday I told you about Mrs_C's idea of a no pressure living arrangement. I told her on Tuesday that my mind was made up that we should split. She wanted to talk about it.

We went for a walk. The weather has been beautiful lately.

Three and a half hours later we arrived home. She had pressured and argued and pressed and button pushed and wheedled and guilted me for the whole period.

We went for coffee. A half an hour later I said "OK. I give. I give up. I'll stay. I succumb. You win. I can't take any more."

We arrived home approx 11:30pm. We were in the garage again. She was on about me having to want to stay, not just responding to being pushed. I had to REALLY want to stay.

I said "I already said yes. I already gave in. You get what you want. You have your way. I'm staying. What more do you want from me? My soul? Because you can have that too, if you'll just stop."

She said "No, I just have to know that you REALLY want to stay."

I lost it.

I kicked the tire on her car several times - somewhere in me I was concerned about damaging her hubcap (yes, I'm a little uptight). I wheeled around - there was the wall. The garage is drywalled inside.

I hit it. I hit it again. I hit it again. I hit it again. I hit it again. I hit it again.

I don't know how many times I hit the wall. It was pretty much destroyed - nothing left between the studs. My hand was bleeding.

She stood and looked.

She said "I didn't realise you were that angry at me."

I said "No matter what the issue is, your methods remain the same you pressure, pressure, pressure until I give. And then you pressure me to BELIEVE what you want as well. I can't cope. I can't do this anymore."

I looked at the wall and began to pull the remaining wallboard off so the holes wouldn't be so obvious. I said "You need to feed the dog right now so that [son] doesn't see this. He doesn't need to see this as an emotional response. It's not appropriate."

I got a pry bar and pulled the remaining parts off. I said we need to come up with a cover story as to what happened to the wall.

The door opened. Daughter looks out. She says "Were you banging on the door? I thought you were locked out."

Thinking fast (and pretty well for my chaotic state of mind) I say sorry for the noise and tell her we saw a wasp coming out of the crack in the drywall and were worried there was a wasp nest in the wall in the garage (we have had wasp nests in our shed each of the last three years, and once a bee's nest in the attic of the garage). She looks at us and says "OK. I just thought you wanted inside and forgot your keys."

We sent her off to bed. I had kept my bleeding hand hidden. I don't know if she bought it, but it was plausible enough for the moment.

She went to bed.

I told Mrs_C I had to go. I had to clean my hand and get a bandage. I said I'd be back, but I had to go.

I left.

I went to my parents house (approx 11:50pm). I phoned first so I wouldn't be barging in. I asked my Dad to get out some alcohol or astringent - he wanted to know what happened. I said I had a cut. I'd be there soon.

I cleaned my hand when I got there. I was worried I had broken it. My shoulder hurt like hell from the impacts as well.

They told me I shouldn't be driving. That I shouldn't go back that night. That I needed to sleep.

They were correct.

I called Mrs_C to say I wasn't coming back that night.

She kept saying "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry"

I told her I had to sleep. I said it as many times as she said I'm sorry. I cut off the call, talked a little, and went to sleep.

Still going

There is relative peace now. Some jumpiness, but no acrimony.

Going out to buy boxes. It's all strangely surreal/unreal.

Mrs_C has come up with an idea that we could still live together but be more distant. A "no pressure" live together arrangement.

I have said that I don't think it will work, and that parting is the only option.

She is all very accomodating now - she's still thinking maybe I will fold, or agree to stay a "few more days". I still feel myself being sucked in toward agreeing - it would be so much easier (or would it? i think not). I can only think why wasn't she this accomodating before? If she had displayed any of the ability to be agreeable before, we wouldn't be here. Her ideas and language are exactly what I want to hear.

My Mom says "You know, it makes me think of how all these prisoners and convicts suddenly learn all the right things to say to get past a judge or a parol board. All that contrition, all that sorrow, all those right words."

----

Mrs_C and I have been discussing counselling for us and the kids.

I'm very tired and the words are not coming to me, so that's all I'm going to type.

How does this work?

Those of you who have been through the divorce/splitting thing:

How does this work? How do you go about packing your shit and walking out the door?

That's all I can think of. I don't want to pack up around the kids - they have enough moments of drama to deal with. So I'm just thinking I'll pack up when they are not around. I think I'll take Tuesday off and do most of it then.

I'm not sure how I will deal with the emotional pressure from Mrs_C between now and then - to stay.

I'm thinking I will sleep at my parents place. I can't endure another night like last night.

I'm so sore today - fibromyalgia pain so bad I could scream. Mrs_C wheedling and working me hard to stay (even just a few days... she says), saying she can prove she'll change. Daughter alternating crying and brave. Son taciturn. Little sleep. Jaw and head about to explode, and the fibromyalgia pain.

I hope it doesn't sound whiny to post the above paragraph. It's just pretty overwhelming.

This is the hardest thing ever - told her i was leaving - told the kids too

As above.

She's resisting with all the tricks in the book.

Daughter was quite upset - especially after Mrs_C did a particularly nasty piece of manipulation. I called her on it. Mrs_C fessed up and apologised.

Daughter was still upset.

My mom cut some chques on Thursday to pay the initial costs associated with getting the apartment and booking my daughter's summer classes,

Asked my Dad on Friday (before telling Mrs_C) "Is this the right thing to do?" His response "That is only, and can be only, your decision. I will not answer with an answer that can be used as the basis for a later decision... [pause] I will, however, tell you that your mother and I have no reservations what-so-ever about the decision you appear to have already made."

Yes, my Dad actually talks like that. That was my Dad at his emotional finest (or close to it).

I was going to wait until after the long weekend. One last weekend as a family. Kids and fireworks. All that.

On Friday I was going to drop son off and proceed to my appointment with the apartment people. Son didn't want to get out of the vehicle - wanted to go with me - wanted to know what my mission without him was. After some hassle I said "Do you really want to go with me for this? You may not like what you are about to find out."

He says "I can probably guess. And Mom is the person who would have a problem with it."

I fill out the paperwork. He asks when I'm telling her and daughter. I say "Maybe Monday, maybe Tuesday - after finalizing the apartment (credit checks, reference checks, employment verification, blah, blah). He says "What is the point of that? Then she'll be all having a happy weekend and BAM you hit her with that next week? She'll be all confused."

I thought for a short while and realised he was right. I told him that his thoughts were more morally sound than mine.

I told her last night. A blow by blow will be posted when I have the time and focus.

I am soooooo sleep deprived right now. I made the mistake of staying in the house overnight - there were circumstances with the kids that demanded I be around until about 2 am. Mrs_C says "Sleep here. I can leave you the other half of the bed. I don't hate you."

She woke me up about every 15 to 20 minutes by talking to me, putting her arm around me, squeezing me, et al. At around 6am she gets up and says she's going for a walk. About 6:40am she come back in and interupts my longest stretch of sleep to start pressuring me to get up and go for a walk with her.

I finally grouchily got up and went - assuming she wouldn't leave me alone otherwise. The walk turned out to be another arm twisting session.

She's out for coffee with her sister right now.

Thank God my father said what he did. I had made up my own mind, but knowing what he said anchored my resolve. I was so close to caving so many times.

Time to rouse the kids. They've got stuff to do.

Yeah, Somehow I Knew It Would Return To This

Mrs_C is working a later shift this week. She's been working 12 until 9pm and is on call. She's been doing that shift in higher rotation because a couple of guys are off recovering from surgery (injury repairs) and her idiot management won't hire new people or allow them to train people up (trying to save a nickel). Yesterday one of her brilliant managers (remember: these are the decision makers, people) had to ask her what a cooling tower is for. Doorknobs...

Anyway, I get home last night after exercising (approx 9:40pm). I don't even know how the conversation got there, but within moments of getting in the door she was on me about "Being more upbeat and enthusiastic" when I see her, and being more positive about our marriage. I'm "OK. I will be more enthusiastic." I will see about making sure that I work at being upbeat. I can make a few easy changes - psych myself up a little, change the music in my MP3 player to all upbeat positive message stuff. That sort of thing.

Even though I'm a little irritated by this, I can do it. I'm prepared to make that effort - give the Wal-Mart morning cheer and get out there!

Here's the kicker. After I gave a response in the affirmative, and said I will change, and said that I was unaware that I was not positive enough, and that I will try harder (I was changing out of my exercise clothes into a bathrobe in the bedroom as we talked). I turned to walk out of the bedroom with my exercise clothes gathered up to take down to the laundry (didn't want to put sweaty damp clothes in the hamper). As I'm heading for the door she says "Oh, so now you're walking out to go pout?"

I turned and asked "I gave you a positive response. I said I would alter my behaviour. I said I would be more upbeat. What more do you want at this time. What is the magic response that will tell you on an emotional level that I mean what I say?"

Blah, blah, blah, blah - 15 minutes.

It went on for awhile until it simmered down and I got to go shower.

We went for a walk. Perfect evening - warm, humid, no mosquitoes. After the initial walk (30 min) she wanted to keep going - it was soooo perfect out - i was OK with continuing. An hour and half of walking later (after a 1.5 hour exercise session [8 mile run included], I'm a little tired and my legs are a little wobbly - it's about 11:40.

We sit and talk for a moment before going to bed. I'm pretty exhausted - I've been up since 6:30am. All of a sudden she's on me further about the positive attitude thing because I'm just kind of sitting like a lump drinking my water. She's telling me I don't treat her very well. She's telling me how my negative mood when I come home from work determines her mood and that it's because of me that she gets defensive and unsure and that's why she lights into me. So I have to change my attitude because otherwise there's no point in being married if she's the only one that has to put any effort into our marriage. That I make all the grandiose pronouncements about being committed and then put no effort into making her feel better or more secure or feel special or that I want to be with her.

I'm clueing into what has set this second rant off. I say that I'm positive and that she's mistaking my silence for something other than exhaustion, and she's mistaking the little clenching and jaw movements for anger - that I'm just getting used to my new dental splint.

She tones down a little. She says "I'm so glad you told me that because otherwise how would I have known?"

We go to sleep.

----

Yes.

You've heard it all before.

So have I.

How long did that last?

8 days? 9 days?

Take the magic weekend out and it lasted 6 days?

We're back to I'm to blame.

I know you all said it. I know that it's "I told you so" time.

I'm just mighty dejected that it took that short a time. I really expected that it wouldn't be that quick or that direct a path. I thought if it were going to revert, there would be a couple of weeks of grace. A small blowout - short period of forgiveness, then holidays as a family and that would set the stage for a bad blow-out after we returned in late August. Much the pattern of last year's August (see the very first posts on this blog).

I knew it would work out like this. That the last effort was doomed. I just had to whack that mole one more time. I just had too much problem with:

1) Hurting her (still don't want to do it)
2) Leaving while a person is asking for another chance (I've had to ask for so many additional chances in my life that it's hard to deny that of someone else)
3) The hassle
4) The kids reaction
5) Being ridiculously optimistic

Let's see how my will holds out this week. I need to talk to my parents about that rent and damage deposit. Good thing payday is tomorrow.

"standing idly by"

"just standing idly by, as a friend, for when the proverbial shit hits the fan." - CP

why is it i feel pretty much the same way?

had an "almost conversation" in the garage yesterday

she told me that when she got mad at me last saturday about me wanting to go exercise she should have said "Fine. Do whatever the hell you want. I'll make my own fun without you. I don't have to wait around for you."

when she noticed the small frown on my face, after her saying this with no small bit of edge in her voice, she said "I meant, that's what I could have said then. But I didn't. I was just illustrating something I could have said. I should have handled it better. I will in the future."

She bought a book by Doctor Phil that she's reading. She puts great stock in its advice...

When Pissy talked about her husband's ex

"When he told her he was leaving, she did everything she could think of to get him to stay.

and I mean EVERYTHING...even sexual stuff....and this from a woman who wouldn't even have sex with the lights on..."

well... dread: intransitive senses : to be apprehensive or fearful

I'm waiting to see how long it takes for her to meet any of the demands i made. Better not be long.

----

In other exciting news, I picked up my new dental splint today. It's sort of like a football mouthguard except it's molded plastic and only for my lower teeth. I had one before but it broke. Now the headaches I get from clenching my teeth while sleeping will go away.

Well, they did last time.

Still holding.

Thank-you for waiting the vigil with me.

A Weekend Away

On Friday Mrs_C suggested we go away for the weekend. That would have been someplace between What Do I Do? and Yes, I'm a Twit.

We had only agreed in principle and I was deciding whether to go or not (and looking up possible locations) when I wrote Yes, I'm a Twit. That decision, and my expectation that I would agree to go was part of the subtext to Yes, I'm a Twit.

There are some pics of where we went on the other blog Monday, June 26, 2006 Weekend Away - Some Pictures.

I know you are all thinking "Well, she reeled him in good with this one", or, at least, I'm thinking that, however, I did it anyway. I went away for a weekend alone. No distractions. Talking, but not "garage conversations". She is at the very least saying the right things.

We talked for the whole weekend. We had fun. We saw new things. We didn't have kids with us. We talked more. We cooked on the deck of the condo, we drank wine (yes - we got it on too), I broke diet a bit - we had ice cream and souvlaki and many good things that were within diet. We discussed how we believed we'd arrived at the situation we were in. We discussed candidly our motivations, feelings, and emotional state surrounding any number of events and times since we we began seeing each other. The whole ball of wax - or at least as much as could be fit in this weekend.

It was apretty wonderful weekend. Should have done it long ago.

When I told my friend (the one whose email I quote on the other blog Friday, June 16, 2006 An email I received) and the one that inspired the the title for the post Thursday, June 22, 2006 SUCKER, she said "It's amazing what people will say when they're desperate." My friend's a hoot - I think you'd all like her.

Mrs_C is saying that she recognises her behaviour as completely unacceptable. That it is irrational and unstable and says she has treated me like shit. She says that because she recognises just how vicious and miserable she has been, she will let me go without causing a commotion if that is what I decide to do. She says she wants to stay together, that she loves me, and that she wants to try to make ammends for what she has done. I have always said I don't want ammends. That sort of power imbalance and reparative based interaction is improper. I don't want someone kissing my ass ro sucking up - I'm uncomfortable with it and don't like it. All I've ever asked for is change in behaviour.

Yes. I'm very concerned it is some kind of game, even though she has declared herself past playing games.

My daughter broke down and cried on Monday evening of last week when her mother told her that we might be splitting (Tuesday, June 20, 2006 Monday, Monday). She's been hiding in her room a lot. A marked contrast to her reaction when her Mom went out the door. Kids are strange that way. Was my daughter really happy on the day her Mom left, or was she so stunned she didn't know what to do? Did she base her reaction on mine? On my wife's on Monday? Did they not believe their Mom was really gone last Saturday?

Son has been escaping a lot into his computer games and staying away with friends.

CP: I love my Mom too. I rely on my parents a lot when my own compass is fucked up. That, to me, is the major thing that a parent is there for (beyond basic creature comforts). A child is not fully developed. It is up to us as parents to use our experiential filter to help children interpret events and make the right decision based on a larger experience set than the child's. That is why modelling is so important. That's why the effect on my kids of all of this is such a huge factor for me.

My Mom independently gave me roughly the same advice as CP (an amusing coincidence...). Make a set of conditions which have to be met. Mrs_C should:

1. See a doctor to assess her medical/mental state. Is she Bi-Polar or something similar?
   
2. See a counsellor regularly (not here and there, but at least weekly). Those visits should be together with me and solo.
   
3. Eat on a regular schedule (Mrs_C skips meals all the time)
   
4. Stop attacking me
   
5. Allow me to sleep - not wake-ups or interuptions

I put these demands and a couple of others to Mrs_C. The above and:

• Pick an activity that is hers alone - not for us, and not for the household, just hers and do it.
  
• Have a set bedtime that allows both of us to get at least 7 hours of sleep each night
  
• Get some friends and spend time with them

(also: Mrs_C said she wants to try a modified version of my diet (she can't eat some fo the stuff on the list). She wants to do it, not for weight reasons, but for health (this goes with eating regularly and quitting smoking). She wants to exercise as well.)

I have come to realise that part of my problem is that I run from conflict when it is involves people who are emotionally close to me. That conflict avoidance has been the source of a bunch of problems in our marriage.

My tax and business issues and spreading out the payments and hiding it from Mrs_C was to avoid the conflict with her. Buckling in fights all the time was a conflict avoidance thing. Running up my credit cards recently was also trying to paper over conflict with money.

I told Mrs_C that my action in return for the above stated demands is that I would fight with her. I would actually hold my ground and put up a fight instead of trying to placate, smooth over, problem/conflict solve, avoid subjects, or give in.

I have not said that I will be staying. The above demands were made in the context of "Before we can consider anything, I have some demands."

A warning bell for me:

Mrs_C said that she wanted to only have us discuss things for right now with our marriage counsellor. She said that she knew I talked to some other people, and on the internet and that she was of the opinion that other people's opinions were colouring mine to the point of getting me worked up and angry.

Mrs_C cited the example of her sister telling her that she shouldn't take it from me and that Mrs_C did all the work in our marriage and that was the problem. Mrs_C said that her sister would always seem to move quickly from the topic of our marriage to her own and seemed to be projecting her own issues onto myeslf and Mrs_C. This was Mrs_C's reasoning as to why I might be getting bad advice off friends.

I told her she was wrong, and that the times i came home all pissed off were when I had been writing in my journal and reflecting on my own feelings (not 100% accurate, but I wasn't going to give that ground - sometimes I had just finished writing a piece on this blog - only semantically different from writing in my journal, in my opinion - there is a huge crossover between the two).

----

For information on the lawyer visit, click here. I am legally safe even if I do move out.

----

I still haven't made up my mind what the hell I'm going to do.

I am trying to stand up on my own two legs in this situation. I am setting my own boundaries. I am setting my own conditions. Am I brave or strong enough to hold my position? Time will tell.

I want to see how Mrs_C carries through. I share your collective skepticism about the sudden conversion. She has a couple of tiny bursts of weird emotion pop up since last Monday, but she is keeping it well contained.

A few of you have stated your skepticism about whether Mrs_C can carry through for any length of time. We'll see. Summer time is here. I had planned on being out the door in a few days. She's bought herself some time with this latest maneuever. Even if my actions belie my attitude, I'm not in a particularly forgiving mood.

I've got some plans about life that I want to get underway, and I'm not going to sit around waiting. I've done that long enough.

Yes, I'm a Twit

On the post below...

Yes, I am an idiot.

I stand by what was posted. I stand by my conflict. I stand by being fucked in the head. I stand by being ravaged by emotional conflict. And I stand by my own weakness in the face of my wife.

I stand by the contradiction of my words and actions.

I stand by asking for an anchor or two to hold me down.

And I continue.

I still have a list of furniture to furnish my apartment. I still have an appointment to view the one they will be giving me (if I take it). I still have my list of change of address notifications. I still have a stack of packed boxes of crap under the guise of "cleaning".

But I still I stand by my internal conflict.

What Do I Do?

So I asked Mrs_C why we went from splitting to staying together (see last post) in 40 quick hours. She said "I'm sorry if I misinterpreted what you said." The background:

On Monday we had been talking about our son and some of the problems he has/had - he's his own person. He is capable, intelligent, knowledgeable, insightful, polite, nice, and an incredible human being (see the post "My Son") - and an incredibly maddening human being. But he could give a shit about popularity or social games or systems of authority. He will challenge anyone or anything - politely - but resolutely. He has been this way since he was tiny. He operates in his own universe of right and wrong, of motivation and un-motivation. He will happliy ignore almost anything that doesn't fit with his view of the multiverse. You can see where he would have problems at school and with the school hierarchy.

On Monday we had been talking about our son and some of the problems he has/had. In the context of splitting, Mrs_C asked "How are we going to deal with his trials and tribulations? It'll be a lot harder." - I said "Don't worry, we'll deal with it together." Some emphasis on together.

Mrs_C says she thought I meant we would stay togther.

You know - this made perfect sense last night when i was talking to her, but when I read the above words on the page, it looks and sounds really lame as explanations go...

Anyway, it all made perfect rational sense and perfect emotional sense to me last night when I asked and we talked. She said that she would accept, without any trouble, whatever I decide. That she understands that I could not live in the conditions that her emotional instability and neediness created. That I could not live with the atmosphere that our children were living in. That she understands that I care about her, and that I am motivated to leave primarily out of fear and anxiety over the way she treated me when she "got going". That she realises that she was wrong to do what she did. That she understands she needs help. That she needs assessment and therapy. And a bunch of other things.

Mrs_C was completely different on Monday and Tuesday. I'm hyperattuned to differences in her frame of mind and those two days - and even yesterday - were like nothing else before. She feels different. My gut, my heart, and my soul say there's something different about her.

My head.

In my universe head and heart are two different things. Emotions, to me, are like the weather. Little understood, uncontrollable, changing by the hour (you'd have to live where I live to quite understand weird irrational weather - we have days that see 80F evening, below freezing night with snow, and back up over 80F by noon (in June...) there are special warnings on our airport for pilots because the wind can change directions so quickly so often.

My head.

My head says "You've begun a course of action. Your reasons were rational and considered when you started. On examination they are all still sound. Follow through on your course of action."

My head.

My heart and my soul.

They have two different views of reality at this life altering moment. Life altering for at least my nuclear family. Life altering for many more.

I believe in redemption.

I believe in all the goodness the world can provide. With all my heart and all my soul.

[to be editted in the permanent version of this post]
My mind, however, belongs to a more cynical place. While I believe in goodness and light. While my heart bleeds for the downtrodden and the hungry, my mind exists in a far more brutal place. What do I do? I'm not just a computer guy. Think about "Willie Horton ads" and "swift boat dudes for truth" and you will begin to understand what kind of computer and media/multi-media guy I am. Except I work for the good guys and they work for the bad guys. I see power and backstabbing and backbiting and the worst a non-bullet oriented society can bring. My daily role is to sieve my opponents work and destroy them. I have seen so much lying and skulduggery that my mind has to be divorced from my heart.
[/end of editable section]

And now I make a decision about Mrs_C.

I asked my son if he had sensed any change in the last few days. He said "Not much, but I haven't talked to her much, so I don't know."

Head or heart?

Head or heart?

Head or heart?

SUCKER

That's what my friend wrote in black and red letters on a sticky note and stuck it to my forehead when I was telling her about Sunday night and Monday's accusations surrounding sex.

That's what I feel like today.

On Monday night Mrs_C had said that we would split. She would move out and I would stay in the house with the kids. She proposed that we not split until son is finished his exams. I replied that was my original timeline, and had not intended to bring up any issues until then anyway.

It was after midnight, she asked "So what do we do?" "How do we live?" "Do you want me to sleep downstairs on the couch?" "If we sleep in the same bed can I still cuddle up close to you if I'm cold?"

I was exhausted on Monday night. I said "I think we go to sleep. I think we get up in the morning and I think we go to work. I think we come home and eat supper and then go to daughter's event (she was singing in a choir). And we see what we do from there."

We did that on Tuesday. We came home. I was sooooo tired. We went to bed at about 9 pm.

Wednesday: She sends an email to me about her planned vacation days. She's been supposed to send me a confirmation for months now. It arrives yesterday. She phones me to ask me if I received it. I say yes I did. She repeats the days. I say "yes, those are the days I had tentatively originally booked. And thanks for the confirmation." I think it's kind of weird considering we won't be going together anymore, but maybe this is just a bit of clean-up related to arrangements.

I come home from work. She's talking away about her newfound change in attitude and her newfound focus on happiness and her intention to just leave some things sit (ie dishes, laundry).

She asks me how I'm doing. She's asking me how I'm feeling, and whether I'm OK, and how I was coping at work. I realise that her whole demeanor is heading toward a "conversation". I tell her "I'm just taking a couple of day break from things and we'll get at dealing with it tomorrow or the next day."

She tells me about how difficult it is for her. That she loves me, and that she would do anything to make things sort out.

We're talking a bit while I get my food ready and prepare to go exercise. She's telling me some things that she's been thinking about. That the situation is sort of unreal. I say that I understand the unreality of the situation.

She talks about her reactions and how she realises that she's not taking enough time for herself and that her reactions have a lot to do with how she could make thing better when she was young - clean and work harder. I talk about what my counselor said about our earliest successful coping mechanisms being our default solution. Hers to deal with an abusive mother and essentially absent father (uninvolved) - work hard to please her Mom - clean, clean, clean - household work. Mine - clam up, pull in, withdraw, leave.

More conversation. We talk about some of our feelings and general anxiety. All of this is skirting the issue of the separation.

I talk about my journal a little (she is aware of the existence of my journal - she is aware I write my feelings in it - she is unaware of this blog).

I had reworked the end of my last blog entry into my journal - I said something like:

"It's sad that it's lucid [her name] that I'm dealing with to arrange the break-up with. The lucid [name] - the one I loved.

Why?

I'm preparing to leave the woman I loved."

She gets tears brimming in her eyes and says "Are you making preparations to leave still?"

I'm stunned. I'm bowled over. I am absolutely flattened.

What do I do?

Exactly what you would expect me to do when faced with a situation that is utterly unexpected. Hedge my bets until I figure out what the fuck is going on.

[SUCKER]I say "I was only referring to my journal entry. I wrote it the morning after we had plans to split.[/SUCKER]

I continue eating.

As I contemplate the universe this morning I realise that I got badly played. That she knew exactly how to maneuver me into a series of little steps that led to me making a bunch of statements saying I care about her, and that I'm concerned about how she's doing, and that this is all difficult for me, lull me into security with her talking about her newfound manner of living.

And then boom.

She nails me - "Are you making preparations to leave still?"

Fuck me

I am a fucking and complete moron. I am one dumb shit. If I was my boss and this was my work, I'd fire me.

Fuck me

I also realise that she played two of my desires to maneuver me as well. I really want to go exercise - its a real crutch for me at this time - withholding or delaying it is quite anxiety/upset producing for me. I like to avoid anxiety and upset. Also - she knows that I consider the "conversations" to be torturous and I try to avoid them when possible. Avoid messing up my exercise (which she has done regularly), avoid a "conversation".

Trap me. It's another game. Last night she said she was going to stop game playing. How's this for proof? I intend to ask her today how we went from splitting to not splitting in a 40 hour period, when I wasn't asked about it during that time.

I started looking at rental properties this morning.

I've resolved to continue with the process. She will obviously not be moving out. So I will proceed. I hope to maintain my strength.

Monday, Monday

Read Hell Weekend parts 1 through 5 first

[Addendum added - look for marked section]

---

My son calls after school. Goes to computer gaming centre with friend.

On my way home I call Mrs_C to see if he's home, otherwise I will go pick them up. I do so with Mrs_C's concurrence.

We get home. Mrs_C's sister and one of the nieces are there visiting. I begin supper - it is already heading toward 6pm. I have things well underway by the time sister and niece leave. Mrs_C comes into the kitchen and makes some comment about this holding me up from going to exercise and that she should have kicked her sister out earlier and done more supper prep work because she knows how important my exercise is to me.

Yep.

Can you smell it coming?

I can.

Well, I ignore it - maybe I can get through things and keep it from erupting until after I'm back and deal with it then.

The kids' meal is ready and my stuff is still grilling on the barbeque. Mrs_C comes out and offers to let me go eat while she finishes the last of the stuff I was doing - enough of my food was ready that I could eat (along with stuff in fridge). She said she wanted to give me the gift of the time to eat and go exercise. So I went to eat. She was acting weird, but whatever...

I went out when I was done and happened to offer a technique thought to her (having done more vegetable grilling with this particular grilling rack than her). She countered with her idea and then said "No, no, you're right. Why would I argue with anything you say - you're right. You know these things."

I say that its not what i meant and leave to change into my exercise clothes.

I am leaving and the last of the grilling is just done. She rips into me that if I really cared about her I would have called her to come eat, and would have said I would finish it.

I pointed out that contradicted her claim that she was doing the finishing as a loving act toward me. We get into a bit of a dispute over this. I say "Whatever, I'm leaving"

She comes back with some comment or other and it escalates further back and forth.
[editted section]
She was trashing me about not being considerate of her ever. I said it wasn't true. She said "Yeah, well, it was like last night when I wanted to make love in a gentle giving and loving way and you just used me. All you did was bend me over the bed. I snapped "No, were done. We're finished. It's over."

She said "Fine!"

I turned and walked away. I went to exercise.

She phoned on my cell phone. She asked if I really meant it.

I said "You ambushed me! You ambushed me completely with all your stuff about doing things for me and making it easy to go exercise - and then you attack me. How can I live like this? I can't live like that"

I said I was going to come home. She told me to stay and finish my exercise and think about it, whether I really meant it or not.

She phoned after about an hour and asked me if I had made a decision, because if I meant it she needed to go talk to her sister and would need the support of her family. I said that yes, I meant it. I said that I had wanted to say it to her face and not over the phone.

We talked for a few minutes and I said I would be home in a few minutes.

When I got home she had already talked to daughter and said that daughter was in her room very upset.

We talked.

Talk, talk, talk, talk.

She was more honest this time. She said she had no idea of why she did some of the shit she does, and that she actually meant to be nice but that something just came over her and she couldn't believe that she had pulled the stunt she had. She said that the whole thing on the weekend was all game playing as well, and that at various times in our marriage she had been consciously game playing as well (she cited a few instances of egregious behaviour). She pointed to her recent behaviour as being similar to the stupid stunts she played before we were married to get me to say i loved her - the breaking up stuff and all that.

We discussed some of the logistics of splitting. She tried really hard to get me to forgive her and say it's all ok. That I should let it go and she would try to be better. She said that it was because she wasn't reassured that I really loved her. She said that's why she had been playing all the games. That if I only showed her that I loved her she wouldn't feel the need to do what she did.

I said that I had already done that a lot. I also said that if in 18 years I hadn't been able to get it right (making her feel special - showing that I love her), the likelihood of me doing it at this point was low. So she would just be mad at me again, and we'd be back to the same place.

We went for a walk around the neighbourhood - it was a beautiful night. We talked. We talked about some of the things we were going to do and accomplish together that we didn't do. The traveling that never happened. We cried about the loss we were experiencing. We mourned.

We went back to the house and sat in the backyard. I cried when I saw all the stuff I had built for her and the kids in the yard. I cried when I saw the neatly tended rows of her garden. The playhouse and tree fort - the shed we had built together.

We cried.

There was a lot of holding each other, soft kissing, and crying.

She kept working me to get me to say I'd stay.

I didn't.

We went inside and finished cleaning up the kitchen. She asked how we would do this. Would we sleep in the same bed? Would we still hold each other?

It was awful. Even she said "I always thought there'd be a lot more anger". It was so very sad.

It was even sadder that it was the lucid Mrs_C that I had to arrange the initial elements of our break-up with. The lucid Mrs_C - the one I loved. It was her I was leaving late last night. Not the bizarre crazy one.

Why?

I loved the woman I am leaving.

Hell weekend - Part 5 (father's day)

Read Parts 1 through 4 first

Warning - this post has some sexual content (not rude, but somewhat explicit - it is relevant to the context of this continuing narrative)

---

Sunday morning came at about 9:30am. Mrs_C woke me up and asked me if we should go for Father's Day brunch.

Well, this and that and this and that and we managed to get out to brunch and wait through the line and got to brunch.

I went off diet in a really serious way. I figured screw it - for $16 I'm not just eating a plate of fruit like I normally would. So eggs and bacon and roast beef and omelets and other stuff later I had had my fill of Father's Day buffet.

Funny things is, I remember thinking all that sort of things tasted so good to me before. Now, it was fine, but not quite the buzz I used to get.

I've changed from my buffet king past life. Healthy buffet choices - I wasn't a pop and potato chip guy at all (that would be ZERO [except mix in an alcohol drink]) - but big quantities. I liked my meat. Liked my sausage - I still make homemade sausage with my brother-in-law in his massive backyard smoker.

Around 1pm we went to the mall to pick up a card and stuff for my Dad - the day before had precluded my ability to get anything for my Dad. We got the card and token gift and went to my Mom and Dad's place.

We visited for awhile.

We dropped the kids off and went to the grocery store (one of these massive jobbies with everything from furniture to food [not Wal-Mart])

I have had the beginnings of a fibromyalgia flare-up for a couple of weeks, but have managed to keep it at bay.

The flare-up became bad at the store. Mrs_C kept us walking around, I tried to tell her that it was bad, but she just kept on finding one more thing to look at - always on the other end of the fucking store. I almost thought it was deliberate. Finally I had to end it and say we needed to go.

We went home and I crawled into bed and slept. Mrs_C offered to do some massage, but it was too painful and hypersensitive for that. Even just feeling the sheets on my skin was enough to overwhelm my senses.

She woke me up around 6:30pm. I was a little pissed because it didn't leave much time to cook and go to her parents place and the kids both had homework. But Mrs_C had been working in the garden and had lost track of time (funny how when I am out running errands it's a fucking issue, but if it her in the garden, then, well, whatever...)

I cooked, we ate, then we went to Mrs_C's parents place.

We visited. It was an OK visit.

We came home, the kids finished their homework (I typed out the last of my daughter's research report for her from her research notes). We prepared some food for the coming week - my diet stuff - fresh vegetables, fruit, etc. - the kids also take it for lunch now. They have perhaps the healthiest diet of all their school comrades as a result of this diet. I suppose that is one of the gift side effects of the diet.

We went to go to bed. We talked in our room - Mrs_C made some comments about my body and the shape its in - she says she likes how I look. She has lost weight as well - because she refuses to eat when she's stressed. Also, because I do most of the cooking and in my family food = love[mom] (can you hear a key reason for my weight issue), it is a great weapon to use against me. Generally, refusing to eat my food is like refusing to accept a hug, kiss, or gift from me.

She has lost weight as well. We were comparing bodies and changes and admiring each other - she's still an attractive woman no matter what I feel about other things - I think she's hot.

The discussion turned sexual - the sexual conversation was not huggy kissy, it was to the urgent/wild side of things. We began to get it on. It was bolder, "hotter", rougher - not pain rough, but more sexual and "hot" sex than loving/embracing sex - you know what I mean.

As she had made a number of comments suggesting that was the manner she would like to do things, I moved us into a position she had "thought up" herself a couple of months back - her bent over the bed with both of us standing on the floor and me behind her (you get the picture).

As we were engaged for awhile in this I noticed she changed in her demeanor. I stopped and suggested we change to kiss and face each other. We did. Everything went well. After she orgasmed she suggested we do something, uh, "non-standard" that we have only ever done once before. She had previously not wanted to repeat said sexual act because of potential discomfort. I have concurred. Sex should not involve discomfort or pain (unless, I suppose, that's what your consentingly into...). I demurred, and we reached mutual satisfaction otherwise.

I did not want to participate in the act because I didn't want to cause her discomfort. I had actually expected that she would try and dangle this in my direction at some time as some kind of sexual "bait". I had previously decided that the answer would be no, and especially in the circumstances we were in. And considering that she had trashed me (see Monday, May 22, 2006 Incidents Of Note) about it previously.

There was some gentle conversation and as we both had to work in the morning, we chose to go to sleep.

Disassociation...

Read Hell Weekend Parts 1 through 4 first

---

"If you have ever experienced “blanking out”, trouble staying focused in the present, extensive forgetting, gaps in memory, not feeling real, or/and feeling as if you were watching yourself from outside of your own body, chances are you have experienced disassociation. This reaction allows you to mentally escape from or block out the wretchedness from the offending trauma."

"A number of factors tend to affect the length of time required for recovery, including the degree of intensity and loss sustained from the occurrence. Events that last longer pose a greater threat. When there has been a loss of life or a substantial loss of property is involved, it will often take longer to resolve. A person's coping skills and thinking processes with emotionally challenging situations determine their perception of the trauma. People who have experienced and handled other extreme stressful circumstances may find it easier to cope. Those who are faced with other emotionally challenging situations, such as serious health problems or family-related difficulties, may have more intense reactions to the new stressful event and require more time to recover."

"The most common reactions to trauma include:

• Denial which allows you to function while the threat is occurring
  
• Your feelings become intense and sometimes are unpredictable. You might be especially anxious or nervous, or even become depressed.
  
• Mentally you may find difficulty with concentration; solving problems; making decisions, memory disturbance; flashbacks. Inability to attach importance to anything other than the incident.
  You may disassociate. Dissociation is a feeling of detachment from the experience, feeling “outside your own body” as if watching someone else experience the event.
  
• Physically, you may experience fatigue, insomnia, under activity, headaches, nightmares, hyperactivity, startle reactions, exhaustion, and diarrhea.
  
• You experience a change in how you perceive your surroundings, resulting in a feeling of numbness, detachment, and of being cut off from their immediate surroundings. You can make a distinction between what is and what is not real, yet; you feel removed from the immediate situation.
  
• Your thoughts and behavior patterns are affected by the trauma. You might experience vivid memories of the event. These flashbacks may occur for no apparent reason and may lead to physical reactions such as rapid heartbeat, sweating, or feeling you can't breathe.
  
• You may experience an overall feeling of fear, guilt, emotional numbing, over sensitivity, anger, irritability, anxiety, depression, violent fantasies, feelings of helplessness, forgetfulness of details.
  
• Recurring emotional reactions are common. Anniversaries of the event, such as at one month or one year, as well as reminders such as aftershocks from earthquakes or the sounds of sirens, can trigger upsetting memories of the traumatic experience. These 'triggers' may be accompanied by fears that the stressful event will be repeated.
  
• Relationships with family and friends may become tense. You may have more frequent arguments with family members and coworkers due to a higher level of irritability.
  
• You may become withdrawn and isolate yourself from others.
  
• Reactions may change over time. Some who have suffered from trauma are energized initially by the event to help them with the challenge of coping, only to later become discouraged or depressed by generalized anxiety or panic. All of the above conditions may deplete essential energy reserves through chronic sleep deprivation, which, in turn, could degrade coping capacity."

Hell weekend - Part 4 (aftermath)

Read Parts 1 through 3 First

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She's come back. The kids have literally run for the basement. I give her a hug. Her body is rigid. I say "Let's talk. In the garage."

It's about 8 pm.

We go out to the garage (if you are wondering - it's an attached garage). We talk. We talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.

We talk until 2 in the morning.

I can't even tell you what the hell we talked about. It was all the usual. It was who did something right and who did something wrong and who did something.

The emotional devastation of this discussion is impossible to describe. I want to describe it to you and give a taste of just how horrifying and excruitiating an experience these hours were, but I can't even remember the details of the conversation.

I have a very good memory for the most part. I can remember things in detail since the day I turned 3 - yes, the day I turned 3 is the day my conscious existence starts. I can remember many things before that, but sorting it all into a coherent and chronologically catalogued set of memories doesn't start until my 3rd birthday.

I can't remember a goddamned thing about the conversation. She had me tied up and spun around and tossed and turned and I don't know what. I was agreeing with her by the end.

Brainwashing. Stockholm Syndrome. I have an understanding of it.

Things had ground down by around the 2 am period. We were going to bed. She had said that she loved me more than anything in the world and didn't want to split. I agreed that I didn't want to split. I agreed that I would try harder to make her feel special and to give her the emotional connection she needed..

The thing that caused me more trouble than anything was the pain she was in. I couldn't cope with the pain she was in. Or appeared to be in. The tears. The sobs. Mine didn't matter to me - I didn't want her to be in pain.

The conversation was unreal.

If there was an emotional ploy or guilt trick left unused, I don't know that it exists. Or at least I remember thinking every now and again about the specific tecniques she was using to knock me down. I was beginning to disassociate. I was actually observing the discussion from outside. I was judging the nature of the words and making judgements about their utility as argumentative props and tools.

It had stopped. But I still can't remember the details, only my observations.

As we were getting ready for bed she looks at me and says "Make love to me".

I began to cry. I couldn't cope with it.

I cried a racking cry that hurt to release.

She realised immediately that she'd gone too far. She said "No, don't cry. We don't have to. I'm not making a demand of you, I just wanted the closeness. I just wanted so much to be close to you. We don't have to."

I was fully aware that it wasn't a demand. That is not why I was crying.

Over the years she has pulled out every bit of my emotional being - like pulling a mussel out of its shell - and exposed it to air. And minced it. And then shoved it back in, or let me gather up the bits and try to recover.

Sort of like when you hear about the rapist demanding their victim pick up the clothes scattered around and put their clothes back on "Why are you naked? Get dressed!!!"

This conversation, on top of all of the rest over the last year or two, had left me with nothing left to be extracted for torture.

Emotionally it parallels my fibromyalgia pain. At the worst of it, the fibromyalgia pain was so bad, and the muscle spasms so racking, that all I had left to allow me to continue was my will and my rationality. By abandoning my body and my physical experience I could survive - survive by just cutting out physical experience. The pain endured and clawed at my consciousness every minute. I knew it would not kill me, but I knew that it might end - if not that day, then the next week, or the next year. I had rationally arrived at goals and I knew I had the choice of either abandoning everything for the pain or choosing to follow the choices I made and brutally enforcing the dictates of my will against my own body.

She asked me to make love to her.

I began to cry.

I cried because I had nothing left to give her, and to ask me to make love was too much. There were times with my fibromyalgia that it did become too much for even my will to sustain - usually at the end of a very long day - up at 6:30am kids, work, taxi, teach, cleaning, household chores - by the end of the night I would just have no will left and it would be all I could do to crawl - and I mean crawl into bed and just shake. I couldn't hold the pain at bay anymore.

I couldn't make love to her. There was nothing left in me to make love to her with.

She realised she had gone too far. She held me for awhile and we went to bed.

I slowly drifted off. Someplace around 3am she woke me to snarl about some discrepancy she had been able to extract or cause by jumping all over me during the 6 hour discussion. A discrepancy in her mind about how and why I didn't take her to the barbeque.

She announces she's leaving again. This I time I say to myself "Fuck her!"

She gets dressed - all I can think about is how much I need to sleep. I watch her get dressed. She does it in these short, angry, bursts of motion that she uses when she gets angry or pissed off at me.

She's verbally whipping me about how I don't really give a shit about her or our marriage and how self-centred I am.

I get out of bed and follow her down to the front door - only because I know that I'll pay for it if I don't. I've lived around this drama queen for too long to miss when the applause signs are supposed to be obeyed.

She makes some demand about me saying I love her and me saying I never want to leave. She says that I should say it or she's gone. I say "GO!" She whirls and slams out the door to her car.

I'm thinking "Please stay away until at least tomorrow so I can sleep."

I go to sit on the couch in the living room until she really does leave.

I do this because if I don't - if I go back to bed - and she comes back in, my suffering will be incalculable. I will never be allowed to sleep. I know in my own mind that if that were to happen I would have to go to my parents house. I need to sleep. Oh god, I need to sleep.

The lights in the driveway don't go away. I wait. And then the lights go away. I don't look out the window. I think - OK - she's gone.

The door opens. It her.

She says in a quiet voice with a tiny element of embarrassment "I tried to leave, but I have no place to go"

I say "You could go to your home. [pause] Let's just go to sleep."

We go upstairs and fall asleep.

Hell weekend - Part 3 (she leaves)

Read Parts 1 and 2 first

---

I drive son's friend home and begin to return home. I'm trying to figure out in my mind how to deal with the situation, and how to address things with the children. I'm writing, tearing up, and rewriting speeches in my head.

I want to be balanced. I don't want to promote Mom hate. I want the kids to have as controlled a crash as possible. I want the kids to understand that shit happens, and that even if things have gone to bad - and their Mom takes off, that they should understand that things that have transpired between their Mom and I were a two way street, that I'm not perfect and have done things to upset their Mom over the years, and that even if their Mom walked out, or seemed to be the source of the tension, they shouldn't hate her. That in their lives they need their Mom. And that they should consider that their Mom may have valid reasons for doing what she does that aren't apparent at first.

I didn't have a very good feeling about things, especially given the last group discussion that involved the kids Monday, May 22, 2006 Incidents Of Note, so I was stalling for time to see if something would occur to me on how to deal with things.

On the way to drop her off at home, Mrs_C had given me $20.00 to buy something for supper for the kids on the way home from dropping off son's friend. I said I could afford it (and could), but didn't argue when she put the money in a spot on my dashboard - it's not like we needed another thing to argue about. I was going to get food, go home, and see whether anything could be sorted out. And if Mrs_C has left by the time I'm done getting the food, it will give me more time to think and probably a good starting point on precipitating a real split.

On the way back I get a call on my cell. It's Mrs_C - she says she is leaving in about 10 minutes. She's telling me how I'll be better off with out her, and how bad a person she is, blah, blah, blah.

By this time, I have the feeling she's playing for an audience - this is a drama moment. This is starting to sound and feel like the various times she "dumped me" when we were dating and I begged her to come back.

Also, by this time I couldn't give a flying fuck what she does.

I'm saying non-committal things like "We need to talk" and "We should really talk this over".

However, my daughter hears me responding and says "Is that Mom?"

Mrs_C repeats that she's leaving in ten minutes. I'm at the major turn-off that leads to our house. I'm thinking that if she leaves, and I had the warning of the call, and I don't make an effort to have kept things together - what will my kids think of my commitment? I say to Mrs_C "I'm at [street name], I'm coming home". She says "Then I'm leaving right now!"

I tell my kids yeah - it is their mother - but no other details.

I go to turn. Slowly. I stop unnecessarily at the light to allow traffic to go by. I turn slowly and meander my way down the street toward the next turn-off. I have an idea of how long it will take for her to leave. As I approach the turn-off to our street, there's Mrs_C's car. She makes a fast turn and boots it down the street we're on. I pull to a stop at our turn-off, hesitating. I know Mrs_C has seen me. Daughter says "Wasn't that Mom?" I say yes - and slowly accelerate down the street giving Mrs_C lots of time to lose me. She does. When I'm certain she's out of view I ask the kids if they see their Mom's car anywhere. They don't.

I take this opportunity to tell them that their Mom left to "Think things through". That I tried to go home but their Mom hung up on me and took off. That I tried to follow her, but she drove away too fast. I tell them that I don't know if she'll be back today or the next day or few... I also tell them that I have no idea if their Mom has actually split, or if this is just a drama festival.

They're all "Oh". And that's about it.

So I ask them what we should get for supper. Do they want pizza? We make decisions about what to get. Daughter wanted one kind of pizza, and son said it sucked - the usual haggle. My solution? Get it all. Get the kind of pizza each of them wants - one store bought, one from a nearby pizzeria. Son said he liked the riblets he had at my Mom's place the night before - we got them too! We got it all.

I dropped the kids at home, put the store bought pizza in the oven, and zipped over to the pizzeria to get the other. Came home and everything was ready. We ate.

We talked. I described how things could be different with a split. Talked about joint custody and separate vacations and all the details of how things would work. Talked about how we would probably have to sell our house and get two smaller houses.

But it was a joyous little meal - the three of us. I told them that they could eat as much as they wanted of whatever they wanted. That this was a bagging free meal (Mrs_C usually harps at the kids about how they eat, especially when it comes to stuff like pizza. Ok in principle, but she carries it a little far).

It was strangely giddy and free. The kids (especially daughter) couldn't stop giggling.

My son's other friend called - he wanted to come over. Son said "My Mom just walked out the door, so it's not probably going to work for a few days. My Dad got pizza and we're just eating and figuring stuff out." Son's friend said (I was told shortly after) "Oh, sounds good. Celebratory feast, is it?" (says what son and his friends think of the configuration of the universe). Son and daughter just about peed themsleves laughing over this friend's comment. They both thought it was kind of mean and cruel in one sense ('cause it is their mom), but still thought it was funnier than all creation. Thay laughed so hard they cried.

I talked about separate vacations. Daughter says "oh, you mean we wouldn't all go together as a family in one group?" I say "No. I think the wounds would be too fresh to try that." She says "Good, because if it was gonna be like vacation last year I don't want to go. I would to stay with Grandma and Grandpa instead."

I just about fell over at all of this.

All my fears about how the kids would take it were whirled away and flung in a corner somewhere. They seemed happy and bubbly.

What the fuck is this? Their Mom just walked out. Their family is collapsing, and they're happy? They're not fighting or picking at each other at the table? They're both positively bouncing.

We are enjoying our supper - they to their pizza - me on my diet food (fresh vegetables, tofu, salads, fruits, nuts and seeds [twigs and bark...]).

And Mrs_C walks through the door. I look at her, I look at the kids. I say to Mrs_C "Let's talk in the garage."

As I rise, and walk toward her I see the kids literally leap from the table and run for the basement (rec room).