Fall colours and hiking

Smitten asked me why I was muttering about getting good examples of prairie landscape. When I told her I was going to be blogging the landscape pics she grabbed the camera and said "Blog this!". So I am:

control, loss of control, and rescuing

Lara wrote this on her blog:

"Speaking of random.. sometimes I think my life is random. Like I have no control over where I go, what I do, or whether or not I'm on time.

Or maybe that's just a result of being the parent of teens?"

Lara's post Me, randomized *warning for those at work - adult content - nudity*

it made me think about the issue of control over what a person does in their own life. Honi also has a very thought provoking post on the issue of control *warning for those at work - music will play from the link to Honi's post*

my reply to lara is posted below:

when i split with my stbx i discovered that i didn't have nearly the time i used to have to do things - not things i wanted to do - just all the things i did do - especially the driving and doing for the kids. i had to let some of it go - and demand that they deal with more of their own things

i had tried so hard to be the good parent who allowed his kids to be kids that i didn't get any *me time* - and spent all my time being a servant - or servitor to my kids

my choice - but when they became upset or resentful that i wasn't always there to cater to their every whim or to solve every one of their problems or their fuck-ups of their own doing...

i was always anticipating other people's failures so that i could be the rescuer

i decided that being good to them might have gone a little far

i don't know if that applies to your situation - but it might - from what i have read

as i read my reply above i noticed one line in particular:

"i was always anticipating other people's failures so that i could be the rescuer"

i wrote last year about my son rescuing his friend who was having issues with his parents. those parents kicked their son out and he is now living (paying room and board) at stbx-Mrs_C's house (this is one of the things i've had in the works to write in detail about, but work has been crazy).

another of my son's other friends is having serious issues with his parents - they moved out of the city to a small town just outside (pseudo-suburb-nuevo-riche develoment). this friend got pounded on by the local boys - small town kids resentful of the nuevo-riche types moving into the new development. the kid is turning 16 in about 6 weeks - he has now moved in at stbx-Mrs_C's place too - as of today - and will be returning to the school my son attends. he stayed at my place last night and will be moving in with stbx-Mrs_C and the happy gang at the house today. he will theoretically be moving home when he is 16 and gets his driver's license and can drive himself to school. he will theoretically get a job to pay for his own gas - his parents will partially subsidise a beater car.

in both of these instances i fault the parents. in the first the parents are born-again strict types (and who are also [in my experience of the last 2 1/2 years] self-centred assholes), in the second the boy is the child of the mother and was adopted by the father - there are now 3 other children who are full blood of the father. the father is a merciless asshole to my son's friend and lavishes gifts on his own blood children and tells the oldest boy (my son's friend) that he is useless, blah, blah, blah. i've known this boy since he was 5 years old - and have known the family well - i have witnessed and heard for too many years.

i have chosen not to get involved with the rescue of this boy. i will do what i can - he can stay at my place sometimes when my son is there - i will feed him as appropriate - if he ends up stranded somewhere i may go pick him up - but in his life choices i will not rescue him.

*interlude*
(in other things i haven't written about...) my mom and dad have had a pretty rough spell in their relationship recently. my dad has been trying to drag me in to it. to take sides. i have resisted and got into a bit of a wrangle with dad. dad turned the screws on me a bit (guilt, money i owe him/them). it hurt. dad then changed tactics and tried to start telling me how to live my life and manage my affairs instead of attending to his own life and relationship
*close interlude*

with regard for the newly dispossessed child - i sent this email to Smitten this morning:

i'm feeling pretty bad for [M-friend] this morning

i was making lunch for him and i asked if he liked mustard - he says "oh, [Cadbury] you don't have to make me lunch..."

i said "fuck you [M-friend] - that's what i was telling you last night - you're not alone - you don't have to do it all on your own - you can accept help"

he walked away for a minute and then came back and said "oh, and [Cadbury], for the record - i do like mustard"

----

i'm going to have to do some work with him. i'm going to probably need to talk to at least [Son], and probably to [stbx-Mrs_C]

[M-friend] is so fearful of being a burden - i think an aftereffect of [M-friend's dad] constantly telling him how useless he is and how he never does enough (sound familiar?)

but i am not going to become a caregiver for him - i have to focus on me - and my life

i could easily try to solve his problems - like my dad trying to tell me how to run my life - but i'm not going to

blah, blah, blah

----

[later edit]
excerpt from Smitten's reply :

Something to think about: Although I understand why you feel you need to talk to your ex about [M-friend], however think about the mixed message that you will send her if you do that... You have set the precedent (from what you have told me) that you will only talk with her through your lawyer or on paper. If you begin to talk with her about [M-friend], then that boundary means nothing.

----

and the blah, blah, blah goes on [surprise musical link]

feeling better today - starting updates

i've been on muscle relaxants since last week. i had been doing pretty shitty. i have been doing acupressure all week, but last night it started to have some effect, or at least that i noticed)

i have so much to talk about from the last 6 weeks - a more detailed description of the vacation and some of what went on there, changes in my relationship with my daughter son's friend moving back into stbx-Mrs_C's house, my Dad putting the screws to me and pissing me off, the impending conflict (work), blah, blah, blah.

so i might as well start with some of the oldest stuff.

vacation went relatively well. the kids mixed well. 2 of mine, 2 of Smitten's, 1 of Smitten's brother (G). there were no real bumps. there were plenty of trigger points for both of us because of our respective previous camping experiences...

the place we went to in Ontario was beautiful. it rained, but the campsite was alright because of the rock and sand (not much mud). there were some points of strain - Smitten and I had envisioned campsites much closer together. you see there were two campsites ours and Smitten's brother's (and some family). He picked the two most scenic, but not the best from a logistical standpoint - so there wasn't as much group cooking - and because there were only adults at the other site they were faster set-up and clean-up on their side (G's daughter stayed with us - with the other girls in their tent). so we were often doing chores (cooking, clean-up) while the fun was being had at the other site. so that didn't quite work out as planned.



climbing up a small set of rapids while we were all out on the hike


Smitten's daughter on the rocks, brother's wife climbing rapids


caught in the act - this pic won't stay up very long on this blog


still able to eat well, even in the bush...


daughter and son heading up to the vehicle parking spot

filler pics, tired and swamped

I was going to write a long entry today, but we've started "shelling" in the the pre-conflict period and the fever is everywhere. So my peaceful day has been interrupted with requests for new systems to be put online and for fast response on some communications... and i'm moving pretty slow.

So i'm throwing in a few pictures as filler. The stories that go with these pictures will have to wait as well. These are from summer vacation.

My children's dogs. Took them on a few days of vacation after we came back from camping. My parents drove them out to their cottage where we were staying for a few days. Guess which one belongs to which child.



The view from my parents' cottage. Thats one thing about where i live. The sky is very, very big. Always.

fibromyalgia, cycloprene, and a down week

i'm ill again

i've been denying it for weeks (nay, months) but it caught up with me hard this week.

the pain has been building and my muscles have been refusing to work more and more - until this week it became so bad that i had to go to the doctor. i got prescribed cycloprene and amytriptline - i've been on them before. the cycloprene is a muscle relaxant, and amytriptline is an old anti-depressant. in very low dosages it changes sleep patterns. they tried to prescribe paxil or xanax but i refused - last time i was on those they fucked me up bad. i need my brain - i am about to be in the most high pressure scenario since 4 years ago... the conflict.

i'm stable and am just exhausted now. my legs are a little wobbly, and i drop things because of the spasms and resulting muscle weakness in my hands and arms - but i think i am the road to being OK.

been running around all afternoon and it's hometime now - pickingup daughter to watch movies tonight, so gotta go now

more summer vacation pics

a few more pics - there are still more to come.

this is the view from the campground beach early one morning when i went to the bathroom. there was one quite nice day, the rest were a little rainy. it was mostly light rain during the day with thunderstorms at night. i dread camping in the rain, but this was pretty good. being on shield there was lots of rock and sand instead of mud.


this is a bear proof garbage container near the beach. not a lot of bears in this vicinity (none) but it is theoretically bear country so federal guidelines say bear proof garbage - and the feds paid for an upgrade to the beach - and this garbage.


the view of our camp from the top of the trail from the road leading down to the actual site


hiking trail we went on




the boy




the boy drying his socks


the girl swimming - yes, you can see a reflection in the water of Smitten's brother's daughter right behind my girl. i don't have permission to put her on here, so i did a quick photoshop erase

went to a party

attended yet another charity fundraiser - it was fun. trout fishing tournament, dinner and a band. i won a prize for fishing - i was the fastest to hook a fish for 2 rounds, but came in second on the final so i got second prize - a framed print - would have rather won 1st - IMAX party for all your friends.

it was at this outdoor place - weddings and stuff happen at the facility. it has this big tent thing and a beautiful garden (and a massive trout pond out back). there were heaters in the tent and two massive bonfires - blacktie service, and good food. everything from the food to the service to the band was donated.

we were both tired from stuff going on in our lives - and in another lifetime we might have decided not to go, but that would have been old pattern - and we are doing only new pattern if possible. if the choice is between going out and having fun, or staying in and collapsing - we are going out.

the theory is that the event itself will energise us.

we had a great time that evening.

these are a couple of cell phone pictures from the event:



you can sort of see the tent in this one

Hyper Kids? Cut Out Preservatives

Hyper Kids? Cut Out Preservatives

Thursday, Sep. 06, 2007

"Parents who suspect that artificial ingredients in food are affecting their children's behavior can now point to some cold, hard proof. A carefully designed study released Thursday in The Lancet, a leading British medical journal, shows that a variety of common food dyes and the preservative sodium benzoate — an ingredient in many soft drinks, fruit juices, salad dressings and other foods — causes some children to become more hyperactive and distractible than usual."

Read the full article here

read this post on another blog

i would like you to read the following post on AlwaysArousedGirl's blog (warning - not really worksafe)

Evil People Somewhere

i don't always care for what she has to say, or some of her actions, but she is an intelligent and often thoughtful person (in the middle of her EXTREMELY graphic descriptions of anal sex toys...)

this is a post about her marriage ending

it evoked pretty strong feelings in me

many of the replies that i read were very thoughtful as well. it's so weird how a crowd that comes around for anal sex, group sex, and masturbation stories is also thoughtful and that emotionally sensitive

please also look for my response to her post

also: a recent post that illustrates why her marriage is ending...

the conflict has begun

shelling has already started

it's not official but it's begun

it's keeping me busy

my unit is providing most of the raw information that is shaped into the weapons we use.

speeches, ads, pamphlets, circulars

the other side has already signaled that no quarter will be granted.

it's going to be ugly

touch

Smitten has issues with her sacroiliac joint (SI joint) dating back to a motorcycle accident some 20 years ago. It affects her hip, back, and neck. She generally goes to the chiropractor - but with my influence has also begun massage and physiotherapy (I'm also able to provide massage and acupressure a couple of times a week). Where her condition was pretty consistent before, but only holding steady, it has drastically changed since the new therapies. Her pain is different, and her body is reacting differently. Most of the time she is better - sometimes she'll have a massive new effect. We (us and the medical professionals) believe that her body is shifting toward normalcy and that some of the extreme discomfort is muscles that have been in spasm or atrophied for years - complaining about being back in action.

Last weekend I spent most of Saturday (9 hours) giving her a massage (also ended up a couple more hours on Sunday). She was in pretty extreme discomfort. It's not the first time that it has been a whole day of constant touch - sometime massage or therapeutic touch - sometimes just touching.

She said to me "In the last year I have been touched more, I think, than I was for my entire life to date. Cumulative."

Kind of mind blowing.

She reminded me of what I had said on our first date (Smitten). She sort of interviewed me - asked a bunch of really personal questions. One of them - she asked me if I liked to touch. She asked me if I was the kid of person who casually touched while doing things in the kitchen or while walking or whatever.

After some hesitation my reply was "I'm touched starved."

"I don't know if I can do that because I haven't had the opportunity. I think I'd like to, I want to, but I don't know. All I know is that I am aching for simple touch."

Apparently that was some of the raw emotion and honesty that attracted her to me. She didn't realise at the time how much of a leap of faith it was for me to be that open emotionally. Maybe it doesn't seem like that big a deal to you either... But I've learned to be very guarded. That's part of what I'm trying to relearn.

I like to touch. I like to be touched.

I'm intending to take a series of massage courses so that I can be better at that, so I can help Smitten more. The massage, acupressure and reflexology based stuff I do already has been such a huge help to Smitten - I'd like to take it up one more level. If I can, through regular intervention, keep her pain free - it would be a wonderful thing.

And getting to touch for long periods of time is its own reward.

----

What is the sacroiliac joint (SI joint)?
The sacroiliac joint is a firm, small joint that lies at the junction of the spine and the pelvis. Most often when we think of joints, we think of knees, hips, and shoulders--joints that are made to undergo motion. The sacroiliac joint does not move much, but it is critical to transferring the load of your upper body to your lower body.

----

The boy has been hugging me more lately.

He did before sometimes, but often I was not completely receptive to him.

He's almost my size. That's kind of weird. Hugging a man... I try to hold him as long as he wants to be hugged.

Part of me says "What's wrong with him?" or "He must really be feeling the pressure or emotional trauma of the situation."

Or he could just want to closeness and support of a hug from his Dad.

I used to hug and hold him all the time. Until he got big. Then not.

I still hug and hold the girl, but still not as much as I used to (per hour of exposure).

There is a chunk of me that says it's wrong to hug him. That men don't hug - and if they do - only with women or children.

My parents weren't touchy feely. Our family has huge personal space. I can remember hugging my Mom once outside of childhood. So that would be once in the last 30 years. I'm not sure if I hugged my dad in that period.

I've never hugged my brother (and have no desire to).

I remember how freaky it was when my sister started doing the hug thing. I just froze.

That was kind of like hugging my mom when I did 10-20 years back... She was completely stiff to my hug/contact.

Yeah - a little uptight...

Sangria

Earlier this month Smitten's niece (P) who is only 5-6 years younger than her and niece's new beau came over to Smitten's for the evening. P is more like a cousin in relationship to Smitten. They are good friends and have done plenty of partying over the years.

I made Sangria. Cooked it up on the Wednesday night and left it sit for two days. Did some extra doctoring because I made it wrong... I cooked the oranges, lemons, and limes with the wine when I mulled it with cinnamon sticks and whole cloves.

It was a very dry wine and the bitterness of the peels came through very strongly. I should have mulled the wine and added the fruit while it was warm and cooling - not had it in during the boil.

I haven't made Sangria in about 20 years. Sound like a familiar length of time? Yes, it's true. Making Sangria is one more activity that was thwarted many years until I gave up asking/trying by the stbx-Mrs_C veto (is there nothing in my life I can't be bitter about toward stbx? hmmmmm - i am beginning to believe not...)

stbx-Mrs_C didn't want the expense or something - because it is the sort of thing that should be made in a big batch for a party. she didn't even want to make it for her sister and the brother-in-law, or the family. wouldn't even let me make it for my own birthday. it was OK to spend $80-$100 on buying 40oz bottles of Rye, Vodka, and Rum for the inlaws - but not on making Sangria...

Anyway - I made Sangria. I also bought two funky flasks (if you can call them that) with taps on the side to hold such beverages. I figured one for white Sangria and the other for red.

These kinds of flasks are the sort of thing I wasn't allowed to buy. "Too much clutter" was the refusing phrase. I like to have stuff like this. It's fun. It makes a difference to the environment of the party.

i did end up buying a funky cheap glass decanter as well - the big flask ($12 each) taps didn't work so well after testing.

Back to the story:

I got all worked up when I was preparing stuff. I had run out and picked up some pre-cut veggie trays and fruit trays because i had run out of time. I would have made my own but work and kid pressure killed it for me.

I was all worried/panicked that Smitten would be mad because:

1) I had spent a bunch of money on all the stuff when she said it was going to be a simple evening - i was anxious about the Sangria and the food.
2) that i hadn't made the veggie trays myself - that this would indicate a "lack of interest" or valuation on her, spending time with her niece, and the evening as a whole.
3) that i was bringing over the flask and the Sangria to "showboat"

Yep - i was right worked up. But i sailed on because it was what i wanted to do. And if she wasn't happy about i figured she could fuck right off. If she didn't like it or got mad at me she could kiss my ass and i would get a new girlfriend - one who liked decanters and things.

Yes - it was indeed entirely projection of my own anxiety and my own past.

Smitten (without knowing about my panic) was thrilled, tickled, and delighted that i would:

1) go through the effort of making Sangria (her husband didn't even know how to cook - even by the time she left him [well - he could cook one or two things - literally one or two things - she had to leave instructions on how to bake store bought lasagna and such...])
2) bring food
3) that i had chosen to be on time by buying the trays instead of being late and preparing them
4) that i would value her family enough to want to make it a better evening
5) that i would have any interest/delight in something like the flasks and decanter - that kind of trapping for a party/event

I guess I do have a girlfriend who likes those things.

I guess I don't need to go find one that does.

BTW - without knowing my panicked state, they all said it was the best Sangria they had ever had. Smitten and niece P are not the phony compliment kind. P's beau doesn't like/drink red wine. He thought the Sangria was spectacular.

Yeah... I really can't describe the wholesale panic that was going through me as I was arriving at Smitten's. It was real and it was huge.

I know it will go away or dull eventually. Smitten's reactions to many things are being overlaid on previous reactions and triggers. It will just take time.

In the meantime, I would like to share my Sangria and flask with you (normally it has a big cork on the top):

they say it's your birthday...

it was my birthday.

here is me modeling one of my presents



Smitten couldn't find any Mr. Incredible underwear, but did find some for the Man of Steel

(one day last year or the year before i was shopping with my son. we were buying socks and underwear. like i've done since he was little, i asked him if he wanted some batman underwear [which he wanted as a 4-5-6 year old]. he declined, but then pointed and said "Some day I hope some girl buys me some Mr. Incredible underwear". Anyway - that's part of the gag)

email to lawyer (from the other day)

subject: change in my view of the settlement i am requesting

i believe that in the petition we filed with the court that we asked for half/equal division

if that is the case, i would like to stick to half

i had discussed with you previously my view that in negotiations i would not ask for half of [stbx-Mrs_C]'s pension, and that i would walk with all of my credit card debt and the revenue canada debt and so on...

if we filed for half - we're sticking to half

----

why?

i was just on vacation with the kids. they talked while we were on vacation. they talked about what their mother said.

apparently she told them she was stringing me along. that she was playing a waiting game. that waiting didn't hurt her, and that i could sit in my apartment forever for all she cared and that she would use all tactics at her disposal to delay settlement.

in her view housing prices will go down in a year or two and i can just wait until they do

she also apparently has no intention of settling on the house until she gets married to someone else so that she doesn't have her lifestyle impacted or the size of house she has to live in altered any way but up

----

given the above, i feel that i am offering myself up as a sucker to go with anything but half. i offered better deals in the interest of moving on and getting things done quickly.

if my good intentions are being misused, and if they will do nothing to expedite the situation, then there is no point in moving from that which is guaranteed in law.

paddle wheeler, motorcycles, and Canadian Shield

vacation pics

paddle wheeler tour in Winnipeg




The girl's first motorcycle ride ever - with Smitten's brother driving.


The boy posing alone (he rode with Smitten's brother as well)


Smitten at the camp site first night


The view from our site. We were camping near Lake Of The Woods in Ontario.




The site

i'm back, many things to discuss

as above

first day back at the office

i would tell you that i hit the ground running but it would be a lie. everything hit me like a semi-truck and i'm still stuck to the grill

i haven't had time to hit the ground yet...

good vacation - pics and stories to tell

good time with the kids and much peace, joy, and love

things are pretty amazing with Smitten - stories and snippets to tell there

filed a police report on boyfriend bob for him verbally and physically intimidating my son - no charges, but making sure i filed a report. had a near fisticuffs situation between bob and i there

told the lawyer that half is half is half is half on the property settlement

i am now taking the position that i am requesting exactly what the law provides me under separation and divorce law in our jurisdiction

i get half the stuff and half the debt and so does she

still trying to peel myself off the front of this semi that's moving at a hundred miles an hour...

too much stuff and going away for awhile

i have just finished the project i was working on since forever... it is a good piece of work

i have swack load of stuff to get done and i'm going away on holidays

got to file some supporting documentation with the tax people to be able to claim differently now that we are split. i asked stbx to sign a letter stating the circumstances that existed for last tax year and to agree to the tax split i used (the most advantageous for both of us).

she agreed to sign in and email, and when i dropped the letter off she refused to sign until her lawyer sees it. has the letter even gone near her lawyer in the last 2 weeks... no

will this even screw up her own filing - yes

is she a fucking idiot - yes

i have no idea of why she thinks i would try to screw her over. i haven't done it yet - no history of it. but i guess she must be projecting her own ideas and advice she is getting. her sister and brother-in-law have been telling her to "screw him [me] before he screws you" since i left.

her mother has been pulling strings and pressuring her to refuse to give me anything and to fight me to the death on every cent - saying things like - "better the lawyer gets it than him" - no really - it's true - the kids told me

anyway - i have to see if the tax people (who are not known for incredible patience) will give me some time to rustle up some supporting documentation and give me some time to lever the stbx

i am going to see if they will send her a letter to spook her as well

i have to get all my filings done for supporting documentation for the divorce - financial statements tax returns, etc - has to be done within 10 days of filing the petition with the court

i'm getting my shit together to leave on vacation with the kids until later in the month

maybe i'll blog, maybe i won't...

time

need more time

signed petition for divorce

went to the lawyer yesterday. 2:30 appointment to "sign a few papers". read the documents for an hour. cooled my heels for another half hour...

i overheard that they had a crisis with another case and had to file by 4pm that afternoon and didn't have all the affidavits that would be necessary.

had just decided to walk out when she came in. she apologised. i ignored her apology and addressed the papers. i have no interest in getting pissy with my lawyer, especially when i was as emotionally charged as i was.

i just didn't have it in me to fight with my lawyer too.

went through the papers. made some changes on details. altered the part that said we were calling for child support from the statutory tick box to "other" and specified shared cost there instead

same effect, but made the change because stbx-Mrs_C's reaction would have been to immediately show it to daughter and tell her i was suing for support payments

the statutory tick box had a clarifying explanation later in the document saying it was shared cost, but i know the stbx and how she will willfully misconstrue anything i say... daughter doesn't need that one exploding near her.

i specified that i wanted a clause in the custody agreement that daughter was not ever to be alone with uncle molester or allowed to be even in uncle molester's house even with others present. we'll see what the stbx thinks of that. she'll either interpret it as just an attack, or she'll agree to it in a second in order to keep herself from ever being forced by her mother to go to uncle molester's house.

i have been contemplating since i made the request as to whether i should ask for a total ban on contact between my kids and uncle molester.

the only sticky part is that i allowed limited contact at family gatherings in the past. the rationale i developed with my lawyer for the change in position is that i will no longer be present to ensure their safety.

i discussed the marital rape accusation with my lawyer. she was really mad. she said that sort of thing made it very hard for women who come forward with real rape complaints.

she told me that if the stbx ever pursued it that the police and the prosecution's office would take a very dim view of the accusation. that they would ask why it only came to light after separation, and after a petition for divorce had been filed. they would ask if there was any record of it at the time, and if there was any evidence of violence - that not wanting to have sex and grudgingly agreeing or allowing it to occur against personal wishes in a marriage was different than rape - a violent crime. were there any pictures of bruises, doctor's reports, or even discussions with a counselor or anything?

that the police and prosecutions had dealt with plenty of spiteful or vindictive accusations after separations and divorce and would be aggressively skeptical if the facts were as i presented them to my lawyer.

i had some tears and almost cried as i discussed some of this with her. it's a little different to talk to friends about things than in this sort of formal setting.

i am overwhelmingly hurt by the accusation of rape.

i feel a tremendous sense of failure for not having been able to make my marriage work. i realised that as i discussed the uncle molester situation and some of the abuse context of the stbx's family. as i discussed my efforts to try to help all three daughter's through their trauma and to face their mother and confront their uncle over what had been done - and over what their parents had failed to protect them from - i realised that i am very sad that the healing and progress stopped.

it has damaged so many lives.

Son - we were discussing some of his mother's erratic behaviours once, how her behaviours drove me out and are damaging his relationship with his mother, discussing some of her over the edge worries about son molesting daughter, and discussing how some of those behaviours were a direct result of uncle molester - when son said to me "I'd just like to go punch out [uncle molester] for ruining my life."

i am glad that the rape thing will likely be off the table from a formal or actionable sense. with the conflict likely coming this fall, that is last thing that we would need to hit the media - me accused of rape. both the media/public perception hit and the loss to the team (as THE key opposition research guy).

some key members of the media have been friends of mine for over 20 years. we talk about our personal lives, and they have been concerned about my health. in fact most of the local press are on friendly terms with me and have been highly supportive on a personal level of my battle with fibromyalgia and my weight. they have been decent and supportive through my divorce

i have even talked to one of them "the dean" of the local press - the one i've known longest - about the accusation. it flowed in our discussion of my divorce and i figured some inoculation would be good.

the lawyer said that the fact that stbx-Mrs_C was making some of the wild assed accusations and statements she is in front of or to the kids would not fly well in front of a judge if things degenerate

blah, blah, blah

this post wandered a fair way away from my initial idea of an advisory piece just telling you i'd filed the papers...

stuff to tell ya

the writing muse isn't hitting me so much right now - i am kind of exhausted - physically and emotionally

this whole "personal growth" thing can be full of shit at times... sometimes i'm sick of it - i don't want to grow, or analyse, or be self aware... i get tired

the weekend camping with Smitten was really great - i felt very alive

work is a lot of pressure - meeting deadlines to prepare for the conflict.... research, ad/literature content, strategy

stbx-Mrs_C is completely jerking my leash - i don't expect a settlement until next year. therefore no house, therefore i do not expect to have my daughter back until then...

had breakfast with Dad to discuss the house help thing. Mom and Dad essentially want to put my life in trusteeship for the period of time that i would be in any house that they would help me buy. i am declining Dad's offer of help. i have no interest in reviewing my finances or monthly spending with them/him. i hated it when they.he supported me during university and i sure as hell am not going to humiliate myself or reduce myself to that situation again.

daughter can either choose to live with me or not. i will not put my self in that situation so she can have her own room 6 months earlier...

there was a bump with Smitten that is sorted out - far too much detail required to explain in a short post - but it left me a little jumpy this week. she has felt bad that i was worried, but that's just a result of me reacting to my previous marriage, not Smitten

went to the exhibition/fair with my kids - dinner - fun - rides - thrills

went to the beach with kids and Smitten and her kids - had fun - everybody got along. had a short formal discussion of rules and expectations for joint holiday period in a couple of weeks - that worked really well for my kids to feel that they were being respected in the whole assignation of roles/boundaries.

there was problems with Bob the boyfriend when he went with stbx-Mrs_C and the kids. respect issues.

people (in stores for example) would say things like "you'll have to ask your Dad" (referring to Bob) and he would not correct them - his little family fantasy in my opinion - and him not correcting the people really bugged my kids - also Bob actually yelled at son at one point - and was starting to be the discipline messenger boy for the stbx

Smitten and I formally addressed issues of role and responsibilities and supervision and adult direction on the trip

the kids said they thought it was little redundant - that they already knew the things we said, but i think it was really important to define it in advance

did an all nighter with son last night - went to a computer gaming place and played supreme commander in a midnight madness special deal until 8 AM

when Dad called for breakfast at 9:40 AM (it's a holiday here today) - that was a little early

more later - no muse - need sleep

postcript to hot tubbing

I ran into my friend L who had the hot tub birthday party. (hot tub sally (part 1) and hot tub sally (part 2)

L filled me in on a few after details. She said Smitten was quite a hit at the party.

Also, apparently Sally was trying to take the drunk guy from the hot tub home. My friend L and the rest of the gang told Sally "If his legs don't work, what makes you think anything else is going to work...?"

but she insisted that she was going to "take care of him". L and her partner had a bed ready for the dude, but he agreed to go - the rest of the folks argued, but Sally and the dude insisted so they left them to their own devices.

When they came back the next day to pick up his car his face had skinned patches from where he had done a face plant on the sidewalk outside. I guess he fell several times just making it to the car...

some replies

some replies to your thoughtful comments to emasculation and pain

buddha_girl:

"Knowing what must be done, knowing you should do it, and getting it done are all different things."

how does the song go? "even if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice"

"Life..." "...doesn't come with instructions."

no it doesn't. and i made some choices that i have to live with. choices about being nicey nice. about falling into the same pattern as before. about ignoring outside voices and my internal voice.

but perhaps that's the life lesson i need to learn, hmmmm?

Sicilian: "If you had known..."

i guess that's part of the problem. i did know she would be the bag she is being. i just hoped one more time that it would be better this time (c.f. cycle of abuse).

Smitten said that she was warned from the beginning by what I wrote in my online dating profile:

"Separated - fitting together my new life. Still issues back and forth with regard to the separation, so I am approaching resumption of dating with some sensitivity (hence private photos). I would prefer no issues with my ex (not a psycho situation - just being careful and sensitive)."

Smitten said "I would prefer" was a dead giveaway as to my true expectation of the stbx's likely action set...

signgurl: "I'm sorry, I just can't get past the renewed groin feelings. I'm a pervert who's happy for you."

good attention to the material ;-P

but i think you focused on the important part. what do i do to get past it, get around it, live a new life that focuses on what i want to be important? remember my post: the four pillars"?

if they are truly to be:

1) sex

2) sleep

3) food and drink

4) enjoyment

then i need to keep my eye on the ball (or maybe Smitten's eyes on mine...;-)

Pissy: As noted in flip-flop-fly, you called it last fall - that she wouldn't do this cleanly or nicely.

Thank-you for your support and good thoughts and wishes.

Cole: thank-you for your emotion. thank-you for your validation of what i am feeling. thank-you for your love and support.

Pirate:

"Ever watch a fly banging up against window glass? It keeps banging and banging away, and oftentimes will continue to do so until it collapses and dies.

That fly is powerless against that window. Nothing it does, no matter how hard it tries, will not get it through that piece of glass."

yeah - the fly can't see the glass - or doesn't know what it is.

to the fly the path is clear. the fly knows where it wants to go. the fly has a plan - and probably a good one. it just doesn't understand the nature of the barrier it faces. If it even realised it was a barrier it would change its plan - but it doesn't because the way just seems so clear

c.f. my comment above:

"Life..." "...doesn't come with instructions."

no it doesn't. and i made some choices that i have to live with. choices about being nicey nice. about falling into the same pattern as before. about ignoring outside voices and my internal voice.

but perhaps that's the life lesson i need to learn, hmmmm?

the last word goes to hippi

ohc said...

"All I can say, after everyone else has said it so well, is that living well is the best revenge."

camping

It was a spectacular weekend. Nakedness and sex abounded. It was exhilarating and free.

I can't share all of the pictures (some for anonymity and some for other reasons...), but one thing that shocked me when I saw them afterwards is how young my face looked. I've got no hair, but my face looked as line free and youthful as when I was 19 or 20. I was really quite shocked - and yes that is the word.

Smitten is a spectacular woman. I am lucky to have her in my life.

This is from my dating website profile - part of what I was hoping for when Smitten found me last year:

I'm looking for...
A person who can be passionate about me, and about spending time together. Being adequate, or even excellent "companions" isn't enough. I want a person who will be interested in me with the same passion and strength that I bring to a relationship. I want to be active and fit together - exercise, dance (I've always wanted to perfect my Salsa). I want to live a life of exuberance, joy and travel, not a life of endless home renovations (don't get me wrong, I still enjoy building things), chores, and hedge trimming. Someone who laughs at my jokes - my friends think I am hilarious, and say that a smile is rarely far from my face. Someone who can let loose their wild inner self at the right time. I want to be a part of a world that rejoices in infinite diversity, not ordered in small boxes and neat rows... I want to greet each day with the freshness, enthusiasm, energy, and possibility of first light on a spring morning

---

The place we stayed at. Our camp site is the little lighter coloured dot in the middle of the picture in the middle of the trees. the light coloured dot is the tent.


Smitten going down a walking bridge


Me going down the same bridge in the other direction


A view of the sandbars where we went after the bridge




I am so in love with this woman.




Me sucking it in for Smitten's benefit


The bridge we walked across from the sandbars in the pictures above (and me).


And finally:

the other beach trip

a short retrospective:

about a week after the first beach trip we went back. we went to the resort town, not the quiet beach.

we hit there around supper time and had supper at a fish and chips place. the fish and chips meal was, while completely unhealthy, a must do thing for Smitten - she had spent many summers in the resort town - her ex-husband's family has a cottage there. it was while spending much time alone/apart in that cottage that Smitten realised she did not wish to be married to her husband.

we sat in the sun and looked at boats in the marina. we took a long walk down the trails she would walk - she wanted to show me the places she would sit alone - that we would be together being in/occupying/filling her alone places.

after the walk i suggested we go for drinks/beer at this one beach place with a massive deck. we sat, we talked, we enjoyed the heat, the humidity, the air, the sound of the water and the beer.

it was dark by the time we were going to leave. there were only a few people around. though it is a resort place - there was a massive party/festival/outdoor concert near, as well as a home football game on that night. that meant all the yahoos weren't at the beach.

and as we were leaving i suggested we go for a walk on the beach. it was clear of people. the beach juts way out in the water in a big sand point. no lights.

[flashback]
when we arrived Smitten decided to change into some shorts. she did it in the parking lot with the door open so she had a wall on three sides (2 vehicles and the door) and me standing in the other space - there was no one around. she was bugging me about whether i was going to drop me pants to - jokingly suggesting we could have sex there in the parking loot

so i dropped my pants on the spot. she was shocked until she realised i had my swim trunks underneath.

she then teased me about being uptight and needing to lose that tendency
[/flashback]

forward in time:

we are walking on the beach and reach the point. she's breathing in the air and enjoying the sultry evening.

i say to her "So, i'm uptight am i?" and proceed to trip out of my clothes on the beach. she's a little taken aback but is a playful person. i splash a bit in the water and walk with her a short way.

i'm feeling a little awkward at this point and put my clothes back on on. She says that she wouldn't have had the guts to do that.

we head back to the vehicle and drive back to the city.

as we're driving a connection goes in my head. i say to her "You know, in reconsideration, I should have cavorted in the water and such for you. A bit of a display. I ended that pretty quickly because I was feeling awkward, but I shouldn't have - because it just occurred to me that that you actually like looking at me naked."

She said "Think about how you would have felt, or how you might have thought about it if it was me."

I said that it was a new thing to realise in my own head that someone found me physically attractive.

I was always of the view that i was OK enough looking, but that it was "patter" and "charm" that I had to keep a constant hustle going in order to get women to go out with me or sleep with me - the food and the dinners, the music and the events, the lines and the charm, the olympic sex - detailed study of female sexuality - that it was all a hustle because I didn't think any of these women were honestly attracted to me. That if I dropped the hustle for even a time they would realise that they didn't want to be around me...

It was a turning point in my view of myself and of my relationship with Smitten.

gonna party for the weekend

gone camping

emasculation and pain

i'm in a lot of pain. full blown fibromyalgia. as bad as it has been since maybe nov 2005 - feb 2006.

muscle spasms, headache, neck, everywhere - all locked up - rigid.

i have little feeling in most of my body - it's just locked and rigid - almost no sensitivity to the touch

went for massage this morning - my therapist was quite concerned and agreed it was a couple of years since it was this bad.

she referred me to an osteopath for some of my issues. i have been discussing some of the physicality of my sexual dysfunction with my massage therapist. i am of the opinion that part of the issue is muscular - there is one set of muscles around my hips/pelvic joint that when she releases them i can feel results in my penis and pubic area - not an erection but the change in feeling - that is - i can actually feel it...

i was having problems moving my legs this morning - especially after she began to work on them - just the muscle release alone - not pain - just release - made tears come while i was on the table

my massage therapist uses a different set of techniques than the usual beating to death swedish massage - hers are gentle and relaxation based - she works the muscles at the point they connect to the bone - it is called the St. John method (I believe this is the dude's website).

i picked up some codeine and am pleasantly buzzed right now - well buzzed anyway...

i am trying to redefine - to shift my view of what is happening in my life. at this time i feel powerless.

i am essentially entirely at the mercy of stbx-Mrs_C. taking her to court is a minimum of a six month venture. it will take about 6 weeks to get all the paperwork, notices and filing done for a court ordered mediation session (required by law before proceeding to trial). it will take 3-4 months to get a court date after that.

all she has to do is stall - my finances are on hold, my plans are on hold, my future is one hold... she just has to do nothing - and i'm still fucked.

i feel as emasculated as i felt before i left. and one of the things that's really shitty is that because of how i feel about this, she's able to cut me off sex without even being my partner... i'm tense and things aren't working

almost all of the things i want to do take money. the settlement is the key to moving forward. some pressure will be off starting in September a $418/month payment (vehicle) is over (last payment August 1)

money - house - is key to getting my daughter back.

i hate her (stbx)

she has told son that she is stalling because she believes that housing prices will drop and then she won't have to pay out as much.

in the meantime i wait.

i have deadlines looming at work - critical work - critical deadlines - the final conflict is coming soon - we are not assured of victory

i have realised that since i am powerless to change stbx-Mrs_C's actions, i am powerless to affect the outcome or force it any faster than it will come - i have to proceed and accept that things will happen when they happen

i have to make sure that i am timely in what i do - that i don't slough my filings or deadlines

i have to take care of myself - i have to take my vitamins, do my exercise, eat properly, sleep enough, practice relaxation and meditation, and take time for personal peace

i have to make people whom i feel are putting undo pressure on me aware that i feel they are, and ask them to not do so. i have to be assertive enough to ask people to wait for the things they ask me for if i am unable to do it within the timeline they ask or i assume or volunteer. i have to try to say no when i feel overwhelmed, and if i have accepted too much i have to tell people i have overcommitted and that other arrangements will have to be made.

i have to stop over-anticipating the needs of others and creating anxiety for myself when i do not meet or fulfill the anticipated need i have defined in my own head

----

if i don't get my house until next year - i don't get my house until next year

if daughter doesn't come back until then... daughter doesn't come back until then

Dad has things lined up for a mortgage - a house that would be perfect is coming on market soon... but if i don't get it, i don't get it. i can live where i am now. daughter has to make her own choices too - and even though i believe that she is making a mistake, maybe she has to learn that as well.

perhaps i need to put the lean on daughter. perhaps she needs to say no to her mother - maybe that is why this is happening - the reason - maybe i need to learn to do the things i outline in this post, and maybe daighter needs to stand up to her mother's bullying. perhaps daughter needs to say yes to me - swallow her wants and desires for the time being for my sake - maybe she can suck it up and come and spend at least one night a week/weekend with me even if she doesn't like the apartment.

maybe i need to get mad at her and tell her what selfish little shit she's being and that she can suck it up.

(cool - that last codeine i swallowed has really kicked in - i am feeling much better at this moment)

i need to make my situation work even with the elements i cannot control or force - otherwise i am back in the box i was before i left