i will leave it to you to figure out which one is me, and which one is Smitten.
more pics later when i have time to process them more.
How to Beat Sex Addiction
5 years ago
Monday, August 18, 2008
a couple of pics
some rapids we climbed while on vacation
i will leave it to you to figure out which one is me, and which one is Smitten.
more pics later when i have time to process them more.
i will leave it to you to figure out which one is me, and which one is Smitten.
more pics later when i have time to process them more.
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Monday, August 04, 2008
cutting
my daughter has begun cutting (also here)
it's not unexpected, but it's still a big deal. and it is taking a lot of brain cycles to deal with.
i need to be doing my assignments and thinking about this is distracting me. i need to be learning a whole weeks work in advance so that i can go on vacation next week. and do an assignment in 4 days instead of 11 days. all while learning the other material - because i have an exam on the day after i get back (18th) - and the assignment is due on that monday as well.
and i have to finish an assignment right now - that is due tomorrow. that life issues have distracted me from. that i do not have the focus to work on. programming takes such effort and discipline to keep your head in the logic of all those instructions...
and being distracted
distracts me
and yes - i'm selfish about it - and i don't fucking care. this is the rest of my life we're talking about here. and my children and my stbx are a fucking black hole that will suck my soul from me without even thinking or even trying.
the class i am doing is the gateway class for all the others and how i do here will indicate how kindly the faculty will be to give me all the waivers i need to get into classes without pre-requisites and simultaneously, blah, blah, blah
and i don't need the distraction
----
i am dealing with the cutting issue in an appropriate manner
more on that later
daughter told me she had tried it once a long time ago, but she did it again several times recently - my son told me about it
----
my son cannot wake up
when he is awake he is groggy and listless. and its not just all the dope he smokes... his sleeping patterns are fucked
it took me over 2 hours of harassment to get him out of bed yesterday. 2 hours i could have spent on my assignment
he is depressed beyond description
at least he recognises it
that is something i will have to turn my attention to later
i am worried his lethargy will fuck up our vacation - we are going with smitten and her kids
i expect i will have time to deal with his issues in more detail while on vacation and the couple of weeks at the end of the month...
----
my stbx, by fucking up my children, is reaching out and stymieing me yet again. she has this way of being able to stop me from doing things by a combination of distraction, diversion, hissy fits, demands, and picky little shit that would stop me dead in my tracks all the time we were married - and now she's doing it again and doesn't even know it
she is a black hole of chaos that pulls everything in its path into the swirl
----
without going into all the details about the cutting at this point - which i will in a later post - daughter and son and i talked (well, son sort of slumped on the couch and through in occasional interjections and daughter and i talked about feelings and anxiety and and hurt and such).
----
the stbx knows about the cutting but didn't mention it to me. i have no intention of discussing it with her because she will use it as a way to suck me into her chaos - she has nothing to offer - she won't change and she is the cause. i see no point in wasting my time having any contact with her
----
i had a pretty good idea of why daughter did it
and i laid out my idea
that she did it to hurt her mother - that by hurting herself she would hurt her mother.
sort of a passive-aggressive thing
i felt/deduced this because i found out that at the time her mother found out daughter could have weaseled out of the discussion but chose to have a "confessional" moment with her mother.
the stbx was asking what daughter and son were referring to in a discussion/argument. and son said that daughter could have just blown off their mother's questions, but chose to answer
daughter was trying to tell me she was embarrassed and didn't want to talk about it.
son argued and talked about how she had divulged the information
son didn't realise the significance of that event
in my view daughter wanted the stbx to know
i suggested she was lashing out, but because she is essentially powerless as a 12 year old she hurt herself instead of her target
daughter talked - said a bunch of stuff
again - will discuss later
----
i'm posting this much now in an effort to clear some of it out of my head so i can get to work on that assigment
----
it took some pressure and bullying on my part to get her to tell me what she used to cut herself. that is the only point where i pressured her.
an exacto knife from the garage...
i told her that i wasn't going to tell her to stop cutting. that she would make up her own mind. that she was in charge of her own body.
i told her that if she was going to cut herself that i wanted her to sterilise the blade so she didn't get tetanus or hepititus - i went into one of my usual dad lectures in too much detail on the nature of blood borne diseases (explanations with too much detail are a hallmark of my existence)
i didn't want to get into a shoving match on whether she should cut or not - not make it a point of resistance
----
my time in politics has taught me how to get around issues like this. get around moments when part of the point is to simply disagree and rebel. get her in a weak point - fear of disease
she's a 12 years old girl - disease is greebly...
----
i was asking her if she wanted to be a person who cuts. did she want to be someone who is so powerless that they have to hurt themselves because they can't stand up for themselves?
i also asked how sexy she thought she'd be with cuts on her arms. and what kind of person would be attracted to her - and used some fucked up teenagers we know from the kids circle as examples
asked if they were the shining examples of human beings she wanted to live with and be around. did she find their cut marks sexy, alluring, or dangerously attractive - or did she disrespect them. even if it did have a level of "toughness" - was it really "tough" to injure yourself. wouldn't it be "tougher" to stand up to the person who was abusing you? wouldn't that be real "toughness"?
again - told her i wasn't telling her to stop
i only wanted her to - demanded that she - have a fully formed rationale as to why she was doing it
even if only for the short endorphin high that cutters get - at least she should know what she was addicted to. and that she should choose it - not just fall into it.
that it was the same reason that i demanded she give me the details about her cutting - that if she was going to do it she had to be able to explain it. why - the motivation the results and the future
just like her brother's pot smoking
that if they were going to indulge in self-destructive or damaging behaviours that they had to be fully real about it
that i would not bitch at them - express concerns and provide guidance - and intervene if they stepped over an edge - but if they were going to do something destructive - they'd better be prepared to explain it and answer ALL the questions. that i would be a miserable dick until they gave me the truth about their actions and motivations.
that if they couldn't tell me to my face why they were doing something - to explain it - that they had better think twice about what they were doing
(for the record, son has an amazing grasp on neuro-chemistry right now - he knows a lot of shit... good research capability in that boy...)
----
i know how much bitching and moaning and freaking worked with me - how it has worked with my children
this may sound like bad parenting - because i am not shit-fitting on them
but i am fully engaged with them - i am in the shark tank swimming with them. there is no hands off bullshit here people.
i ignored the shit my parents threw at me - hid my activities. my parents were willfully blind in my opinion. i expect my children would do the same.
i am strong enough to actually deal with it. i would rather be in the middle than pat myself on the back as having taken a "tough stand" and the ignore all the signs.
i lived an analogue of what they are going through and are doing
no divorce, no mother who was psycho to the stbx's extent - but some pretty heavy shit (as i know most people have - i know it's called life - and i know that people have to "deal with it" - but i also know there are plenty of fucked up people who dealt with it in unhealthy ways [like my eating, for example])
i cut myself as a teen several times - unlike nowadays i had no idea anyone else ever did such a thing. i once did it pretty hard - an almost suicide attempt. wore a long sleeved shirt for awhile.
i smoked pot and was massively depressed
i slept and slept and stayed out late and avoided life
i can offer guidance and help hold their heads above water
i think of it as being like an alcoholic's anonymous sponsor. i've been there pretty much all the way.
they won't be alone as long as i'm here
----
i asked her if she wanted be a victim and play the victim - like her mother
----
the difference between how i viewed her cutting and what she said - and it is good self awareness - and surprising honesty - is that she said she did it to hurt her mother directly. rather than cutting herself in proxy for her mother, she did it as an actual act to elicit guilt from her mother. to hit her the way that the stbx hits her all the time.
guilt and blame and the attempt to get the listener to feel as though they are victimising the stbx
she lays this shit on the kids all the time
daughter said she wanted to make her mother feel like stbx makes daughter feel. to get a taste of it. that's why she did it and told her mother that it was the stbx's fault (daughter di not tell stbx that she did it to hurt her - stbx would then be able to play victim again).
while the situation is dangerous at least we have a point of discussion
----
the above about guilt tripping her mom came out in the larger discussion
i told her i wouldn't ask her to stop or tell her to stop
i only wanted to know why she cut
what she got out of it
what feelings she felt
she tried to tell me that she just felt better after she did it
that is almost word for word from articles we read together a few weeks ago when she asked me about cutting - some of her friends cut - some of the girls son hangs with cut - it seems to be about as prevalent as bulimia was when i was in high school...
she couldn't describe any more than that
i think she tried it on for size - experimenting
to see if it would make her feel better
saw the scratches she left and realised she could make a deal out of it
----
here's a couple of unbelievable things - stbx freaks and spazzes on the kids - and the kids complain - and the stbx says "i'm only venting. you shouldn't take it to heart because i'm only venting"
fucking bitch
fuck
----
and the kids say "how can we do that?"
and the kids say "and then if we ignore her, or her ranting, she says we don't care enough to pay attention to her - that we're selfish and unconcerned with her feelings"
----
daughter says that part of the reason she doesn't want to get mad and rage is because she doesn't want to be like her mom
(part of the reason i didn't want to fight with stbx is because i didn't want to fight like my mom and dad... and the cycle goes on...)
----
stbx has told the kids to get out several more times
----
daughter told me her mother has hit her a lot of times - at least 20 times is what she said
----
i told daughter that we have 3 weeks together
that we were going to do some exercises together. that she would practice asking for what she wants, and practice saying no - and establishing boundaries
that she would say no, or profess her viewpoint more strongly than she normally would, just to get used to challenging others
and that she would then feel less apprehensive about stating her case in other situations
----
we'll see
i have an assignment to try to get back to now
it's not unexpected, but it's still a big deal. and it is taking a lot of brain cycles to deal with.
i need to be doing my assignments and thinking about this is distracting me. i need to be learning a whole weeks work in advance so that i can go on vacation next week. and do an assignment in 4 days instead of 11 days. all while learning the other material - because i have an exam on the day after i get back (18th) - and the assignment is due on that monday as well.
and i have to finish an assignment right now - that is due tomorrow. that life issues have distracted me from. that i do not have the focus to work on. programming takes such effort and discipline to keep your head in the logic of all those instructions...
and being distracted
distracts me
and yes - i'm selfish about it - and i don't fucking care. this is the rest of my life we're talking about here. and my children and my stbx are a fucking black hole that will suck my soul from me without even thinking or even trying.
the class i am doing is the gateway class for all the others and how i do here will indicate how kindly the faculty will be to give me all the waivers i need to get into classes without pre-requisites and simultaneously, blah, blah, blah
and i don't need the distraction
----
i am dealing with the cutting issue in an appropriate manner
more on that later
daughter told me she had tried it once a long time ago, but she did it again several times recently - my son told me about it
----
my son cannot wake up
when he is awake he is groggy and listless. and its not just all the dope he smokes... his sleeping patterns are fucked
it took me over 2 hours of harassment to get him out of bed yesterday. 2 hours i could have spent on my assignment
he is depressed beyond description
at least he recognises it
that is something i will have to turn my attention to later
i am worried his lethargy will fuck up our vacation - we are going with smitten and her kids
i expect i will have time to deal with his issues in more detail while on vacation and the couple of weeks at the end of the month...
----
my stbx, by fucking up my children, is reaching out and stymieing me yet again. she has this way of being able to stop me from doing things by a combination of distraction, diversion, hissy fits, demands, and picky little shit that would stop me dead in my tracks all the time we were married - and now she's doing it again and doesn't even know it
she is a black hole of chaos that pulls everything in its path into the swirl
----
without going into all the details about the cutting at this point - which i will in a later post - daughter and son and i talked (well, son sort of slumped on the couch and through in occasional interjections and daughter and i talked about feelings and anxiety and and hurt and such).
----
the stbx knows about the cutting but didn't mention it to me. i have no intention of discussing it with her because she will use it as a way to suck me into her chaos - she has nothing to offer - she won't change and she is the cause. i see no point in wasting my time having any contact with her
----
i had a pretty good idea of why daughter did it
and i laid out my idea
that she did it to hurt her mother - that by hurting herself she would hurt her mother.
sort of a passive-aggressive thing
i felt/deduced this because i found out that at the time her mother found out daughter could have weaseled out of the discussion but chose to have a "confessional" moment with her mother.
the stbx was asking what daughter and son were referring to in a discussion/argument. and son said that daughter could have just blown off their mother's questions, but chose to answer
daughter was trying to tell me she was embarrassed and didn't want to talk about it.
son argued and talked about how she had divulged the information
son didn't realise the significance of that event
in my view daughter wanted the stbx to know
i suggested she was lashing out, but because she is essentially powerless as a 12 year old she hurt herself instead of her target
daughter talked - said a bunch of stuff
again - will discuss later
----
i'm posting this much now in an effort to clear some of it out of my head so i can get to work on that assigment
----
it took some pressure and bullying on my part to get her to tell me what she used to cut herself. that is the only point where i pressured her.
an exacto knife from the garage...
i told her that i wasn't going to tell her to stop cutting. that she would make up her own mind. that she was in charge of her own body.
i told her that if she was going to cut herself that i wanted her to sterilise the blade so she didn't get tetanus or hepititus - i went into one of my usual dad lectures in too much detail on the nature of blood borne diseases (explanations with too much detail are a hallmark of my existence)
i didn't want to get into a shoving match on whether she should cut or not - not make it a point of resistance
----
my time in politics has taught me how to get around issues like this. get around moments when part of the point is to simply disagree and rebel. get her in a weak point - fear of disease
she's a 12 years old girl - disease is greebly...
----
i was asking her if she wanted to be a person who cuts. did she want to be someone who is so powerless that they have to hurt themselves because they can't stand up for themselves?
i also asked how sexy she thought she'd be with cuts on her arms. and what kind of person would be attracted to her - and used some fucked up teenagers we know from the kids circle as examples
asked if they were the shining examples of human beings she wanted to live with and be around. did she find their cut marks sexy, alluring, or dangerously attractive - or did she disrespect them. even if it did have a level of "toughness" - was it really "tough" to injure yourself. wouldn't it be "tougher" to stand up to the person who was abusing you? wouldn't that be real "toughness"?
again - told her i wasn't telling her to stop
i only wanted her to - demanded that she - have a fully formed rationale as to why she was doing it
even if only for the short endorphin high that cutters get - at least she should know what she was addicted to. and that she should choose it - not just fall into it.
that it was the same reason that i demanded she give me the details about her cutting - that if she was going to do it she had to be able to explain it. why - the motivation the results and the future
just like her brother's pot smoking
that if they were going to indulge in self-destructive or damaging behaviours that they had to be fully real about it
that i would not bitch at them - express concerns and provide guidance - and intervene if they stepped over an edge - but if they were going to do something destructive - they'd better be prepared to explain it and answer ALL the questions. that i would be a miserable dick until they gave me the truth about their actions and motivations.
that if they couldn't tell me to my face why they were doing something - to explain it - that they had better think twice about what they were doing
(for the record, son has an amazing grasp on neuro-chemistry right now - he knows a lot of shit... good research capability in that boy...)
----
i know how much bitching and moaning and freaking worked with me - how it has worked with my children
this may sound like bad parenting - because i am not shit-fitting on them
but i am fully engaged with them - i am in the shark tank swimming with them. there is no hands off bullshit here people.
i ignored the shit my parents threw at me - hid my activities. my parents were willfully blind in my opinion. i expect my children would do the same.
i am strong enough to actually deal with it. i would rather be in the middle than pat myself on the back as having taken a "tough stand" and the ignore all the signs.
i lived an analogue of what they are going through and are doing
no divorce, no mother who was psycho to the stbx's extent - but some pretty heavy shit (as i know most people have - i know it's called life - and i know that people have to "deal with it" - but i also know there are plenty of fucked up people who dealt with it in unhealthy ways [like my eating, for example])
i cut myself as a teen several times - unlike nowadays i had no idea anyone else ever did such a thing. i once did it pretty hard - an almost suicide attempt. wore a long sleeved shirt for awhile.
i smoked pot and was massively depressed
i slept and slept and stayed out late and avoided life
i can offer guidance and help hold their heads above water
i think of it as being like an alcoholic's anonymous sponsor. i've been there pretty much all the way.
they won't be alone as long as i'm here
----
i asked her if she wanted be a victim and play the victim - like her mother
----
the difference between how i viewed her cutting and what she said - and it is good self awareness - and surprising honesty - is that she said she did it to hurt her mother directly. rather than cutting herself in proxy for her mother, she did it as an actual act to elicit guilt from her mother. to hit her the way that the stbx hits her all the time.
guilt and blame and the attempt to get the listener to feel as though they are victimising the stbx
she lays this shit on the kids all the time
daughter said she wanted to make her mother feel like stbx makes daughter feel. to get a taste of it. that's why she did it and told her mother that it was the stbx's fault (daughter di not tell stbx that she did it to hurt her - stbx would then be able to play victim again).
while the situation is dangerous at least we have a point of discussion
----
the above about guilt tripping her mom came out in the larger discussion
i told her i wouldn't ask her to stop or tell her to stop
i only wanted to know why she cut
what she got out of it
what feelings she felt
she tried to tell me that she just felt better after she did it
that is almost word for word from articles we read together a few weeks ago when she asked me about cutting - some of her friends cut - some of the girls son hangs with cut - it seems to be about as prevalent as bulimia was when i was in high school...
she couldn't describe any more than that
i think she tried it on for size - experimenting
to see if it would make her feel better
saw the scratches she left and realised she could make a deal out of it
----
here's a couple of unbelievable things - stbx freaks and spazzes on the kids - and the kids complain - and the stbx says "i'm only venting. you shouldn't take it to heart because i'm only venting"
fucking bitch
fuck
----
and the kids say "how can we do that?"
and the kids say "and then if we ignore her, or her ranting, she says we don't care enough to pay attention to her - that we're selfish and unconcerned with her feelings"
----
daughter says that part of the reason she doesn't want to get mad and rage is because she doesn't want to be like her mom
(part of the reason i didn't want to fight with stbx is because i didn't want to fight like my mom and dad... and the cycle goes on...)
----
stbx has told the kids to get out several more times
----
daughter told me her mother has hit her a lot of times - at least 20 times is what she said
----
i told daughter that we have 3 weeks together
that we were going to do some exercises together. that she would practice asking for what she wants, and practice saying no - and establishing boundaries
that she would say no, or profess her viewpoint more strongly than she normally would, just to get used to challenging others
and that she would then feel less apprehensive about stating her case in other situations
----
we'll see
i have an assignment to try to get back to now
Saturday, August 02, 2008
11.3 lbs (218.8)
i am a machine man
BTW - i have discovered that i am not doing 8 miles a day. i am doing about 7.13 miles.
i used to do 8 miles with each 900 calorie workout. now, because my burn per minute is up, my mileage is down.
i discovered that when i was watching my stats more closely after that 9.7 mile day
either way
i am a machine man
a machine man
BTW - i have discovered that i am not doing 8 miles a day. i am doing about 7.13 miles.
i used to do 8 miles with each 900 calorie workout. now, because my burn per minute is up, my mileage is down.
i discovered that when i was watching my stats more closely after that 9.7 mile day
either way
i am a machine man
a machine man
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Two interesting articles related to a recent study on weight loss. I very much recommend reading them - they are not long articles:
55 minutes of daily activity the ticket to weight loss: study
Weight loss: Men have the edge
"Do men really lose more weight and lose it faster than women?
The answer is yes, guys do have an easier time shedding pounds (I'm sorry, ladies). Men, it seems, have both a physiological and psychological edge when it comes to losing weight." - Globe and Mail
----
The commentary in the articles and in the study itself about the psychological differences in approach were really quite interesting.
Without suggesting her state of mind is in any way a blanket or even widespread representation of how women think - Smitten and I have discussed any number of times how she would not be able to do my regimen for more than a couple of days.
She says she would get bored.
That the idea of getting on a machine (AMT, elliptical, treadmill) and just doing a repetitive action for an hour and a half or two hours straight would de-motivate her almost immediately. She says that she needs more stimulation and change.
We have discussed the psychological differences in our makeup and background when it comes to such things.
She says that if something doesn't make her happy she just doesn't do it.
Me, i have had "eye on the ball"/goal orientation drilled into me for my whole life and anything that i determine that i really want i generally don't let go of until achieved or i get knocked off by an insurmountable external effect.
blah, blah, blah
loss of focus and point in this post
and i have an assignment to finish...
see you
(read the articles - they really are interesting)
55 minutes of daily activity the ticket to weight loss: study
Weight loss: Men have the edge
"Do men really lose more weight and lose it faster than women?
The answer is yes, guys do have an easier time shedding pounds (I'm sorry, ladies). Men, it seems, have both a physiological and psychological edge when it comes to losing weight." - Globe and Mail
----
The commentary in the articles and in the study itself about the psychological differences in approach were really quite interesting.
Without suggesting her state of mind is in any way a blanket or even widespread representation of how women think - Smitten and I have discussed any number of times how she would not be able to do my regimen for more than a couple of days.
She says she would get bored.
That the idea of getting on a machine (AMT, elliptical, treadmill) and just doing a repetitive action for an hour and a half or two hours straight would de-motivate her almost immediately. She says that she needs more stimulation and change.
We have discussed the psychological differences in our makeup and background when it comes to such things.
She says that if something doesn't make her happy she just doesn't do it.
Me, i have had "eye on the ball"/goal orientation drilled into me for my whole life and anything that i determine that i really want i generally don't let go of until achieved or i get knocked off by an insurmountable external effect.
blah, blah, blah
loss of focus and point in this post
and i have an assignment to finish...
see you
(read the articles - they really are interesting)
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
oooooh yaaah! 7.3 lbs
who's kidding who?
i'm the AWESOMO 5000seX
baaay bay
hah
2 hours on the AMT
9.7 miles
40 minutes of weight training
222.8 lbs
(3 years ago the pain of walking 200 feet was almost too much to bear. my body was wracked by convulsions and spasms. and i weighed over 260lbs)
i'm the AWESOMO 5000seX
baaay bay
hah
2 hours on the AMT
9.7 miles
40 minutes of weight training
222.8 lbs
(3 years ago the pain of walking 200 feet was almost too much to bear. my body was wracked by convulsions and spasms. and i weighed over 260lbs)
i am the AWESOMO 5000
after a shaky start on my quizzes i am in the groove
a 68% and a 53% on my qizzes left me pretty anxious. i suck at exams. the time limit kills me.
i have the groove on this prof's marking structure now and have come back with an 80% on my mid-term. 10 more minutes would have netted me over 90%.
rejiggering my time allocations on the second quiz would have put me at an 80% too...
my only assignment back so far received a 90.9%. i expect that mark or better on the second assignment.
this is working for me
i still feel like it takes me too long to program, but that is the discipline (and remembered pain) of having to put production software out for public use - not just assignments
by being the brutal keener that i am in this class (i'm really quite honestly excited by it) i'm hoping to get the whole 5% subjective marking room the prof leaves herself in addition to my regular marks
----
i'm still trying to find how to get around some of the bullshit i now have to go through to deal with the math upgrade
[complain]
why can't i just work hoard? why does there have to be the crap and the hurdles? why can't the path be clear and i just do it by putting in the time and the effort?
it is this shitty little stuff that saps my spirit
it's bad enough that i have to do my high school math over again - but there has to be a bunch of bullshit in regard to scheduling and getting into it? doesn't seem fair.
why can't i just do the work
[/complain]
hrrumph!
well, now that that's off my chest...
i've decided that unless there is some additional obscure fucking rule that will stop me, i'm going to take the math courses by correspondence (actually - technology assisted learning [internet]). that way they won't interfere with my university classes.
so i went down to the department of education to sign up (the province runs a province-wide correspondence school directly from the department) and all the people who actually know what's going on were on vacation. the only person on the entire floor was a summer student - who was asian (i think chinese) and couldn't speak very good english. he wants me to wait until the 18th of august to figure this shit out (when the people are back).
fuck!
did i mention that the reason i went down in person was because when i phoned i got an unintelligible chinese person on the phone? surprise!!! guess who it was? the only person in the office...
it was almost impossible to understand him - especially when he was unsure of what he was talking about... but i persevered (just for the record, i am not one of those "speak english in MY country" assholes - i have volunteered and worked with many immigrant groups and have taught english as a second language [and literacy] as a volunteer). the language barrier just made it difficult. after we talked a bit and i was able to explain things more, he understood my needs. it turns out he is their summer computer science student... he gave me tips on classes and profs to avoid - that was kind of funny. and both his english improved, and i started to pick up the nuances of his accent.
but...
i'm still having to confirm that my plan will be acceptable to the department of mathematics to get into calculus - it should be - but i don't want to make assumptions
blah, blah, blah
the chinese guy said he would do his best to find out the answer to the questions i am asking as soon as possible. naively, i believe him...
i have to go up to the department and abase myself there to make sure i'm good to go as well
we'll see
a 68% and a 53% on my qizzes left me pretty anxious. i suck at exams. the time limit kills me.
i have the groove on this prof's marking structure now and have come back with an 80% on my mid-term. 10 more minutes would have netted me over 90%.
rejiggering my time allocations on the second quiz would have put me at an 80% too...
my only assignment back so far received a 90.9%. i expect that mark or better on the second assignment.
this is working for me
i still feel like it takes me too long to program, but that is the discipline (and remembered pain) of having to put production software out for public use - not just assignments
by being the brutal keener that i am in this class (i'm really quite honestly excited by it) i'm hoping to get the whole 5% subjective marking room the prof leaves herself in addition to my regular marks
----
i'm still trying to find how to get around some of the bullshit i now have to go through to deal with the math upgrade
[complain]
why can't i just work hoard? why does there have to be the crap and the hurdles? why can't the path be clear and i just do it by putting in the time and the effort?
it is this shitty little stuff that saps my spirit
it's bad enough that i have to do my high school math over again - but there has to be a bunch of bullshit in regard to scheduling and getting into it? doesn't seem fair.
why can't i just do the work
[/complain]
hrrumph!
well, now that that's off my chest...
i've decided that unless there is some additional obscure fucking rule that will stop me, i'm going to take the math courses by correspondence (actually - technology assisted learning [internet]). that way they won't interfere with my university classes.
so i went down to the department of education to sign up (the province runs a province-wide correspondence school directly from the department) and all the people who actually know what's going on were on vacation. the only person on the entire floor was a summer student - who was asian (i think chinese) and couldn't speak very good english. he wants me to wait until the 18th of august to figure this shit out (when the people are back).
fuck!
did i mention that the reason i went down in person was because when i phoned i got an unintelligible chinese person on the phone? surprise!!! guess who it was? the only person in the office...
it was almost impossible to understand him - especially when he was unsure of what he was talking about... but i persevered (just for the record, i am not one of those "speak english in MY country" assholes - i have volunteered and worked with many immigrant groups and have taught english as a second language [and literacy] as a volunteer). the language barrier just made it difficult. after we talked a bit and i was able to explain things more, he understood my needs. it turns out he is their summer computer science student... he gave me tips on classes and profs to avoid - that was kind of funny. and both his english improved, and i started to pick up the nuances of his accent.
but...
i'm still having to confirm that my plan will be acceptable to the department of mathematics to get into calculus - it should be - but i don't want to make assumptions
blah, blah, blah
the chinese guy said he would do his best to find out the answer to the questions i am asking as soon as possible. naively, i believe him...
i have to go up to the department and abase myself there to make sure i'm good to go as well
we'll see
Sunday, July 27, 2008
fakin' it
i figured out why i am so intense on succeeding in my class
and why i was so upset by the realisation that i was fucked on my math exam
i want to be real
i want status (not in the climber sense)
i want an objective identifier of competence
i want to be a real computer guy
i want to be a real anything
i was (am) afraid that the computer guys will figure out just how bad i'm faking it
'cause they are trained programmers
i'm a self-taught guy
they know how to do stuff and use language i don't
i don't want to be a drop out anymore. i want to succeed. i want to have an objective measure to hang my hat on.
politics is all about faking it. every single fucking day
you're always afraid someone will suddenly pull the curtain back and reveal you working the machine that creates the wizard... yes - i have some real skills - but they are unquantifiable and always able to be questioned.
i don't want to have my brother's comment of some 20 - 23 years ago - "you're a parasite" - to be echoing in my head. i don't want my wife's fear to stay with me - the fear that if i blow the gig i'm in (fakin' it to be in) that i will be unemployed again.
i want to know that no matter what i do, i have a skill - a skill that is in demand - a skill that is a "hard skill" - a trade, if you will. i don't want to be judged on subjective measures - like i was judged on speech quality, and communications campaigns, and layout and colour. i want to be judged by the fact that i produce running code
as the Internet Engineering Task Force (IETF) says: One of the "founding beliefs" is embodied in an early quote about the IETF from David Clark: "We reject kings, presidents and voting. We believe in rough consensus and running code". (click here for the full discussion of "The Tao of IETF")
i am good at programming. i'm careful, methodical, and risk averse (excellent traits in a programmer). my lab instructor says that if he had any room in his marking parameters to give me extra marks he would.
i want to be able to hang my hat on my achievement. i want the identity. i want to be able to say - with no one being able to question it - "i know how to do this. i am a programmer."
the math test - and my expectation of failure - rubbed my nose in my past failures. it also puts me several months off in my timeline and plan - which i now have to re-jigger.
it also means i have to undergo the humiliation of the test - and the humiliation of being assessed - assessed a failure by another human being. i would rather just admit defeat up front than to actually fail or face the burning in my ears as the teacher (who will probably be kind) tells me about my options and the fact that at 42 years of age i'm going back for grade 10 algebra...
but
i'll suck it up
i will get through this
i will succeed at grade ten algebra - and grade 11 - and grade 12 - and then the real goal: calculus - to get my certificate
i've decided its going to be fun. and/or ritual self-flagellation as i go back and re-do my mistakes
i have told my son: there is no mistake you can make [with his classes] that we can't go back and fix somehow
now it's time for me to believe it about myself
i assume it's either God's punishment for all the time i spent stoned in grades 11 and 12, or it's God making sure my son actually passes his grade 12 math (because i would be re-doing the same course as he will be taking [and doing the same homework] [except he''l be doing it in french (my kids are in french immersion) and me in english]).
or it might be both punishment and renewal for me - and for my kid's benefit
i suppose it's about redemtion
and my God is a redeeming God
and why i was so upset by the realisation that i was fucked on my math exam
i want to be real
i want status (not in the climber sense)
i want an objective identifier of competence
i want to be a real computer guy
i want to be a real anything
i was (am) afraid that the computer guys will figure out just how bad i'm faking it
'cause they are trained programmers
i'm a self-taught guy
they know how to do stuff and use language i don't
i don't want to be a drop out anymore. i want to succeed. i want to have an objective measure to hang my hat on.
politics is all about faking it. every single fucking day
you're always afraid someone will suddenly pull the curtain back and reveal you working the machine that creates the wizard... yes - i have some real skills - but they are unquantifiable and always able to be questioned.
i don't want to have my brother's comment of some 20 - 23 years ago - "you're a parasite" - to be echoing in my head. i don't want my wife's fear to stay with me - the fear that if i blow the gig i'm in (fakin' it to be in) that i will be unemployed again.
i want to know that no matter what i do, i have a skill - a skill that is in demand - a skill that is a "hard skill" - a trade, if you will. i don't want to be judged on subjective measures - like i was judged on speech quality, and communications campaigns, and layout and colour. i want to be judged by the fact that i produce running code
as the Internet Engineering Task Force (IETF) says: One of the "founding beliefs" is embodied in an early quote about the IETF from David Clark: "We reject kings, presidents and voting. We believe in rough consensus and running code". (click here for the full discussion of "The Tao of IETF")
i am good at programming. i'm careful, methodical, and risk averse (excellent traits in a programmer). my lab instructor says that if he had any room in his marking parameters to give me extra marks he would.
i want to be able to hang my hat on my achievement. i want the identity. i want to be able to say - with no one being able to question it - "i know how to do this. i am a programmer."
the math test - and my expectation of failure - rubbed my nose in my past failures. it also puts me several months off in my timeline and plan - which i now have to re-jigger.
it also means i have to undergo the humiliation of the test - and the humiliation of being assessed - assessed a failure by another human being. i would rather just admit defeat up front than to actually fail or face the burning in my ears as the teacher (who will probably be kind) tells me about my options and the fact that at 42 years of age i'm going back for grade 10 algebra...
but
i'll suck it up
i will get through this
i will succeed at grade ten algebra - and grade 11 - and grade 12 - and then the real goal: calculus - to get my certificate
i've decided its going to be fun. and/or ritual self-flagellation as i go back and re-do my mistakes
i have told my son: there is no mistake you can make [with his classes] that we can't go back and fix somehow
now it's time for me to believe it about myself
i assume it's either God's punishment for all the time i spent stoned in grades 11 and 12, or it's God making sure my son actually passes his grade 12 math (because i would be re-doing the same course as he will be taking [and doing the same homework] [except he''l be doing it in french (my kids are in french immersion) and me in english]).
or it might be both punishment and renewal for me - and for my kid's benefit
i suppose it's about redemtion
and my God is a redeeming God
Friday, July 25, 2008
me and math
so i started going through all my algebra review stuff.
i remember almost none of it.
i remember the logical structure, but almost none of the methods.
factoring polynomial equations? eeek!!!!!!!
a radical? someone who wears a a Che Guevara t-shirt? something that causes cancer...?
fuck
my son started to help me, but he was not in math mode, and had to translate all his notes to english from french (the language he took math in).
i was pretty freaked out.
i have to take a competency exam on monday. it will determine if i have to retake all three years of high school math (3 classes) or just 2.
i am sanguine
even if i have to take all 3 it doesn't matter. it just means my calculus class will have to wait a little longer. and that i will have to wait until fall 2009 to finish my certificate instead of spring 2009.
it will make no difference to getting a job - i could get one now. then i will have a certificate less a calculus class. it won't faze a hiring officer.
it occurred to me that it is potentially God's will that this should happen. son hasn't been doing all his assignments/homework in math and has failed a couple of the classes. he will be redoing them this year. about the time i will be doing essentially the same classes.
perhaps it is God/the fates conspiring to get son to actually do his homework if he and i have to work on it together.
or something
we'll see.
i remember almost none of it.
i remember the logical structure, but almost none of the methods.
factoring polynomial equations? eeek!!!!!!!
a radical? someone who wears a a Che Guevara t-shirt? something that causes cancer...?
fuck
my son started to help me, but he was not in math mode, and had to translate all his notes to english from french (the language he took math in).
i was pretty freaked out.
i have to take a competency exam on monday. it will determine if i have to retake all three years of high school math (3 classes) or just 2.
i am sanguine
even if i have to take all 3 it doesn't matter. it just means my calculus class will have to wait a little longer. and that i will have to wait until fall 2009 to finish my certificate instead of spring 2009.
it will make no difference to getting a job - i could get one now. then i will have a certificate less a calculus class. it won't faze a hiring officer.
it occurred to me that it is potentially God's will that this should happen. son hasn't been doing all his assignments/homework in math and has failed a couple of the classes. he will be redoing them this year. about the time i will be doing essentially the same classes.
perhaps it is God/the fates conspiring to get son to actually do his homework if he and i have to work on it together.
or something
we'll see.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
6.7 lbs and work, work, work
yeah
lost 6.7 lbs since July 4th
eating pretty well
still get to drink on weekends
missed exercising yesterday
assignment due today - already handed in a 8 am
started it (reasonably) well in advance. took more time than i thought it would (also spent too much time helping other students...)
i'm a little too thorough compared to the rest of the younger folks in this class. i'm programming for the real world (work world... where i came from) including error correction and such... they are programming to meet the minimum requirements for the course/assignments. their code is brutally sloppy.
the prof likes me, as does the lab instructor - more importantly they respect me.
outside of its intrinsic value, i'm hoping that will be worth a few extra marks (5%?) on the overall course - because i "get it". and have a really good and enthused attitude about the material and their classes.
as always, i don't do as well on exams as assignments. i am too detailed and thorough and don't have enough time to complete... even 20 years ago, in my last iteration of university, when i started asking for extra time to do exams i saw my marks go up 20-30%.
but no extra time here... just got to learn to time budget better.
getting almost 100% on assignments - little pissy (not the good pissy who hangs with us...;-) errors have knocked me back a few marks
things like losing one mark because while i remembered to increment a rounded up 11.5 inches to 1 foot and then forgot to check if my results moved from 2 to 3 feet... so my answer went from 97 yds, 2 ft, 11.5 in to 97 yds, 3 ft, 0 in
shit
anyway
the class is keeping me really busy
i have a midterm on monday (pressure)
i'm feeling a lot of pressure about the class - pressure from myself. i REALLY want to do well. i don't know why i feel such pressure. Smitten says that it is because 1) i didn't do so well the last times i went to university and i want to prove that i can succeed to myself and to others; 2) this first class is the gateway into ALL my other classes and will determine how receptive they are to letting me take some classes simultaneously that should be done successively; 3) the fact that i have built much of my plans for the future on this schooling; 4) the whole launch myself into midair without remaining totally safe and protected is quite a flier for me; 5) the simple desire to do the best i can
but, back to work
----
BTW - i was yacking with my prof, and she told me that my original prejudices about computer science are still accurate. she is one of only three women instructors in the whole department - there are no tenured female staff in CS.
my class is only about 1/3 women, not 1/2 as stated before. on the first couple of days a bunch of the guys didn't show up
the only reason there are this many women is because they are all in 1st year engineering (and this first year summer class exists to service the engineering faculty's scheduling needs - it is an engineering compulsory course as well as a CS compulsory course.
apparently engineering has a good recruitment structure for attracting women, but a lousy retention structure... apparently the number of women drops dramatically after first year in engineering
----
i'm having some shitty scheduling issues for the fall and winter. i have to take some remedial math because my high school math marks (26 and 27 fucking years ago) aren't up to the minimum required levels for getting into university calculus
in fact my math didn't meet faculty of science minimums, but i got waivers from the associate dean (whom i taught how to do a bunch of internet stuff about 15 years ago...) and others. the registrars office (or at least one officious bastard in it) got pretty stinky about the requirements and tried to keep me out of the faculty of science and kicked up a fair bit of a fuss.
you see i need to be in the faculty of science to register in all the classes i want to take.
thankfully many of the older faculty came to my rescue. many knew me and with worked with me in several different incarnations. so they told this officious little bastard to get stuffed.
the ironic twist is that part of the registration structure he was using to try to keep me out was actually designed to help students stay in the university by forcing them to have the appropriate pre-requisites and then pushing them into adult education upgrades. since the structure was implemented there have been higher success rates for students in their succeeding classes. grade point averages are up since the plan was implemented
the irony?
i was the driving person behind setting up the forced streaming when i was a student leader about 23 years ago. i have a real problem with the number of people who are forced to drop out of university because they fail a couple of key classes - by forcing higher levels of initial competency, and providing the means to get that competency (on-campus high school upgrade classes) you get better outcomes and less wasted time, resources (and money), and lives.
---- historical interlude ----
at the time the university was looking at changing some of its mandates and policies and was considering being more exclusive - it was trend as part of the neo-conservative movement in the 1980s. this university has been a pioneer in allowing people to come here as adults and without all the minimums - you get to come in with lower marks the older you are (assuming that age brings a little more wisdom and dedication). when the changes that would have drastically reduced the University Entrance Program in favour of higher entrance requirements, i argued that we should do just the opposite. that we should separate ourselves as a university from the snobby institutions by being more accessible - not less.
even the university's motto "As One Who Serves" was officially made english instead of latin to make it more accessible. it pioneered co-op education (cycling work terms) decades ago to allow students field experience as part of their university education (set up with professional supervisors like an apprenticeship) - which was looked down upon as something you would do in "the trades" at the time (it started in engineering - the closest to a trade in a university, i suppose)
it also pioneered special adult education programs for people already in the workforce - setting up schedules that didn't just cater to the traditional 4 year full-time young adult model.
that's why i fought so hard for more additional on-campus daycare. by the early '80s almost half the students on campus were female (an anomaly for the era), but about 73% of them were part-time (because they were working and raising a family). i argued hard for changing class scheduling and structures to fit that very real need. i argued that an analysis by credit hours taken was less valid than an analysis per student.
now there are more women than men on campus, even if the credit hours are less disparate
blah, blah, blah
battles of the past
inclusion, accessibility, equity, fairness, decency
responsibility
enabling
hand up, not a hand out
blah, blah, blah
prairie socialism...
----
i am still doing the upgrades - so i am not a hypocrite - but am doing them after admission instead of before. the classes are not pre-requisites for any of the classes i want to take now...
anyway, little mister registrar clerk got overruled and i am in the faculty
now i just have to figure out how to get past some of my scheduling conflicts. one of my key classes conflicts with the initial math upgrade class lab...
well, it's no worse than trying to get anything done in politics, i suppose...
lost 6.7 lbs since July 4th
eating pretty well
still get to drink on weekends
missed exercising yesterday
assignment due today - already handed in a 8 am
started it (reasonably) well in advance. took more time than i thought it would (also spent too much time helping other students...)
i'm a little too thorough compared to the rest of the younger folks in this class. i'm programming for the real world (work world... where i came from) including error correction and such... they are programming to meet the minimum requirements for the course/assignments. their code is brutally sloppy.
the prof likes me, as does the lab instructor - more importantly they respect me.
outside of its intrinsic value, i'm hoping that will be worth a few extra marks (5%?) on the overall course - because i "get it". and have a really good and enthused attitude about the material and their classes.
as always, i don't do as well on exams as assignments. i am too detailed and thorough and don't have enough time to complete... even 20 years ago, in my last iteration of university, when i started asking for extra time to do exams i saw my marks go up 20-30%.
but no extra time here... just got to learn to time budget better.
getting almost 100% on assignments - little pissy (not the good pissy who hangs with us...;-) errors have knocked me back a few marks
things like losing one mark because while i remembered to increment a rounded up 11.5 inches to 1 foot and then forgot to check if my results moved from 2 to 3 feet... so my answer went from 97 yds, 2 ft, 11.5 in to 97 yds, 3 ft, 0 in
shit
anyway
the class is keeping me really busy
i have a midterm on monday (pressure)
i'm feeling a lot of pressure about the class - pressure from myself. i REALLY want to do well. i don't know why i feel such pressure. Smitten says that it is because 1) i didn't do so well the last times i went to university and i want to prove that i can succeed to myself and to others; 2) this first class is the gateway into ALL my other classes and will determine how receptive they are to letting me take some classes simultaneously that should be done successively; 3) the fact that i have built much of my plans for the future on this schooling; 4) the whole launch myself into midair without remaining totally safe and protected is quite a flier for me; 5) the simple desire to do the best i can
but, back to work
----
BTW - i was yacking with my prof, and she told me that my original prejudices about computer science are still accurate. she is one of only three women instructors in the whole department - there are no tenured female staff in CS.
my class is only about 1/3 women, not 1/2 as stated before. on the first couple of days a bunch of the guys didn't show up
the only reason there are this many women is because they are all in 1st year engineering (and this first year summer class exists to service the engineering faculty's scheduling needs - it is an engineering compulsory course as well as a CS compulsory course.
apparently engineering has a good recruitment structure for attracting women, but a lousy retention structure... apparently the number of women drops dramatically after first year in engineering
----
i'm having some shitty scheduling issues for the fall and winter. i have to take some remedial math because my high school math marks (26 and 27 fucking years ago) aren't up to the minimum required levels for getting into university calculus
in fact my math didn't meet faculty of science minimums, but i got waivers from the associate dean (whom i taught how to do a bunch of internet stuff about 15 years ago...) and others. the registrars office (or at least one officious bastard in it) got pretty stinky about the requirements and tried to keep me out of the faculty of science and kicked up a fair bit of a fuss.
you see i need to be in the faculty of science to register in all the classes i want to take.
thankfully many of the older faculty came to my rescue. many knew me and with worked with me in several different incarnations. so they told this officious little bastard to get stuffed.
the ironic twist is that part of the registration structure he was using to try to keep me out was actually designed to help students stay in the university by forcing them to have the appropriate pre-requisites and then pushing them into adult education upgrades. since the structure was implemented there have been higher success rates for students in their succeeding classes. grade point averages are up since the plan was implemented
the irony?
i was the driving person behind setting up the forced streaming when i was a student leader about 23 years ago. i have a real problem with the number of people who are forced to drop out of university because they fail a couple of key classes - by forcing higher levels of initial competency, and providing the means to get that competency (on-campus high school upgrade classes) you get better outcomes and less wasted time, resources (and money), and lives.
---- historical interlude ----
at the time the university was looking at changing some of its mandates and policies and was considering being more exclusive - it was trend as part of the neo-conservative movement in the 1980s. this university has been a pioneer in allowing people to come here as adults and without all the minimums - you get to come in with lower marks the older you are (assuming that age brings a little more wisdom and dedication). when the changes that would have drastically reduced the University Entrance Program in favour of higher entrance requirements, i argued that we should do just the opposite. that we should separate ourselves as a university from the snobby institutions by being more accessible - not less.
even the university's motto "As One Who Serves" was officially made english instead of latin to make it more accessible. it pioneered co-op education (cycling work terms) decades ago to allow students field experience as part of their university education (set up with professional supervisors like an apprenticeship) - which was looked down upon as something you would do in "the trades" at the time (it started in engineering - the closest to a trade in a university, i suppose)
it also pioneered special adult education programs for people already in the workforce - setting up schedules that didn't just cater to the traditional 4 year full-time young adult model.
that's why i fought so hard for more additional on-campus daycare. by the early '80s almost half the students on campus were female (an anomaly for the era), but about 73% of them were part-time (because they were working and raising a family). i argued hard for changing class scheduling and structures to fit that very real need. i argued that an analysis by credit hours taken was less valid than an analysis per student.
now there are more women than men on campus, even if the credit hours are less disparate
blah, blah, blah
battles of the past
inclusion, accessibility, equity, fairness, decency
responsibility
enabling
hand up, not a hand out
blah, blah, blah
prairie socialism...
----
i am still doing the upgrades - so i am not a hypocrite - but am doing them after admission instead of before. the classes are not pre-requisites for any of the classes i want to take now...
anyway, little mister registrar clerk got overruled and i am in the faculty
now i just have to figure out how to get past some of my scheduling conflicts. one of my key classes conflicts with the initial math upgrade class lab...
well, it's no worse than trying to get anything done in politics, i suppose...
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
been a long time
not much writing muse at this exact moment
just an update
----
was going to post one the other night that would have said:
----
----
except my computer died...
or horked a really nasty loogie (sp?) anyway
i am exercising every day and while i am doing it i am as alive as i've ever been (love those endorphin highs). when i'm not i'm pretty good or kind of exhausted from running 8 fucking miles a day
but i am down 3 lbs
only 17 to go...
----
class is good
more later
lousy first quiz - 30 questions - a couple of fuckups i shoulnd't have made, but exams rattle me
i'm better on delivery
i expect pretty close to - if not - 100% on my first assignment
----
cleaned my son's betta fish vase today
that was exciting
changed half the water so it didn't die from shock at being taken out of its pollutant filled previous environment
----
more later
got to go run 8 miles and then go eat a fucking twig and a lettuce leaf
(to make up for all the martinis and red wine i've been swilling - otherwise on diet pretty hardcore, though)
----
BTW: still reading you all (pretty much daily - check your counter logs), even if not commenting much
just an update
----
was going to post one the other night that would have said:
----
alive
i feel
so
alive
----
except my computer died...
or horked a really nasty loogie (sp?) anyway
i am exercising every day and while i am doing it i am as alive as i've ever been (love those endorphin highs). when i'm not i'm pretty good or kind of exhausted from running 8 fucking miles a day
but i am down 3 lbs
only 17 to go...
----
class is good
more later
lousy first quiz - 30 questions - a couple of fuckups i shoulnd't have made, but exams rattle me
i'm better on delivery
i expect pretty close to - if not - 100% on my first assignment
----
cleaned my son's betta fish vase today
that was exciting
changed half the water so it didn't die from shock at being taken out of its pollutant filled previous environment
----
more later
got to go run 8 miles and then go eat a fucking twig and a lettuce leaf
(to make up for all the martinis and red wine i've been swilling - otherwise on diet pretty hardcore, though)
----
BTW: still reading you all (pretty much daily - check your counter logs), even if not commenting much
Saturday, July 05, 2008
July 4th - Independence Day (pt 2)
i left to exercise at about 6:30pm. on the way - well, not exactly on the way - but while i was in my vehicle i wandered around to take an outside tour of some houses i will be looking at on saturday.
i arrived at the health club by about 7:15pm and did my 2 hours - something over 1400 calories later - something over 8 miles later - something over 100 50lb ab crunches - and more - later, i left. no creaks, no groans - a few sore abs, but nothing else
----
it was a perfect hot humid night
i had planned on going home
normally this would be my first night with the kids, but they left for calgary with their mother today. i was on my own.
it was a perfect hot humid night
it was 9:18 - the sun wasn't all the way down
i called Smitten and asked her if she wanted to go sit on a deck somewhere - i said i could be ready in 12 minutes (her daughter is out at the lake with her father, and Smitten's son is 13 and likes to be on his own).
Smitten - to my surprise - agreed.
to my surprise i actually managed to get home, shower and change in 12 minutes
7 minutes or so later i was at her house and we were on our way.
we went to a somewhat expensive, but very fun wine bar in the artsy section of town - they have a great front patio/sidewalk cafe(ish) outdoor area.
we drank wine and sangria.
we talked
----
no-one spazzed on me when i went to exercise
no-one spazzed on me when i wanted to go drink wine and sit outside
no-one told me what to order, or said it would cost too much
----
we sat until about 11:30pm - roughly the time that i had left 2 years previous - not intentionally - in fact we laughed when we got in my van and it was 11:27pm - the exact minute i had been pulling out of my driveway 2 years previous
we had toasted independence
"When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for people to dissolve the bands which have connected them with another..."
we toasted the future
when i dropped her off at her house she said "I'll bet that two years ago you never thought that two years in the future you would be dropping your girlfriend off at home after an evening out like this..."
i said "Yes, as a matter of fact I did imagine that in two years I would be dropping off my hot blonde girlfriend after an evening of drinking wine on an outdoor patio on a perfect summer evening... yes... yes I did."
----
i came home
as i hadn't eaten much earlier (7 shrimp) before i left to exercise, i ate a midnight dinner of leftover cold steamed asparagus, raw broccoli, spinach salad with tomato slices, fresh pineapple chunks, and cold gazpacho soup
i enjoyed each piece of healthy food i ate
----
it is still a perfect evening
i have my balcony door open (screen on) and the breeze is coming through
i just enjoyed a small glass of single malt scotch - the first drink i have had with no-one else present in probably 18 or 19 years
it was good
i don't want any more
but it was quite a moment that i have had one - having felt so strongly about the subject of drinking alone for so long
and i don't feel guilty, or that i've done something wrong, or that i am even taking anything back, or giving a "back at ya"
i just enjoyed a glass of scotch because i wanted one
after enjoying an evening out with my girlfriend
my choice
my decision
independently made
i arrived at the health club by about 7:15pm and did my 2 hours - something over 1400 calories later - something over 8 miles later - something over 100 50lb ab crunches - and more - later, i left. no creaks, no groans - a few sore abs, but nothing else
----
it was a perfect hot humid night
i had planned on going home
normally this would be my first night with the kids, but they left for calgary with their mother today. i was on my own.
it was a perfect hot humid night
it was 9:18 - the sun wasn't all the way down
i called Smitten and asked her if she wanted to go sit on a deck somewhere - i said i could be ready in 12 minutes (her daughter is out at the lake with her father, and Smitten's son is 13 and likes to be on his own).
Smitten - to my surprise - agreed.
to my surprise i actually managed to get home, shower and change in 12 minutes
7 minutes or so later i was at her house and we were on our way.
we went to a somewhat expensive, but very fun wine bar in the artsy section of town - they have a great front patio/sidewalk cafe(ish) outdoor area.
we drank wine and sangria.
we talked
----
no-one spazzed on me when i went to exercise
no-one spazzed on me when i wanted to go drink wine and sit outside
no-one told me what to order, or said it would cost too much
----
we sat until about 11:30pm - roughly the time that i had left 2 years previous - not intentionally - in fact we laughed when we got in my van and it was 11:27pm - the exact minute i had been pulling out of my driveway 2 years previous
we had toasted independence
"When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for people to dissolve the bands which have connected them with another..."
we toasted the future
when i dropped her off at her house she said "I'll bet that two years ago you never thought that two years in the future you would be dropping your girlfriend off at home after an evening out like this..."
i said "Yes, as a matter of fact I did imagine that in two years I would be dropping off my hot blonde girlfriend after an evening of drinking wine on an outdoor patio on a perfect summer evening... yes... yes I did."
----
i came home
as i hadn't eaten much earlier (7 shrimp) before i left to exercise, i ate a midnight dinner of leftover cold steamed asparagus, raw broccoli, spinach salad with tomato slices, fresh pineapple chunks, and cold gazpacho soup
i enjoyed each piece of healthy food i ate
----
it is still a perfect evening
i have my balcony door open (screen on) and the breeze is coming through
i just enjoyed a small glass of single malt scotch - the first drink i have had with no-one else present in probably 18 or 19 years
it was good
i don't want any more
but it was quite a moment that i have had one - having felt so strongly about the subject of drinking alone for so long
and i don't feel guilty, or that i've done something wrong, or that i am even taking anything back, or giving a "back at ya"
i just enjoyed a glass of scotch because i wanted one
after enjoying an evening out with my girlfriend
my choice
my decision
independently made
Friday, July 04, 2008
July 4th - Independence Day
"When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."
----
July 4th, 2006:
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for people to dissolve the bands which have connected them with another...
Cadbury Has Left The Building - Part 1
Cadbury Has Left The Building - Part 2
----
"That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security..."
----
today i re-read those three months - May, June, July - in my blog and in my journal.
i look at the ideals i espoused - the goals i projected - the desires in my heart
and i look at my life today - and the leap toward the other side that i am engaged in
----
in her behaviour, has anything changed?
----
"...Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Brittish brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends."
----
it's been quite the journey
thank-you for being my friends
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."
----
July 4th, 2006:
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for people to dissolve the bands which have connected them with another...
Cadbury Has Left The Building - Part 1
Cadbury Has Left The Building - Part 2
----
"That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security..."
----
today i re-read those three months - May, June, July - in my blog and in my journal.
i look at the ideals i espoused - the goals i projected - the desires in my heart
and i look at my life today - and the leap toward the other side that i am engaged in
----
in her behaviour, has anything changed?
----
"...Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Brittish brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends."
----
it's been quite the journey
thank-you for being my friends
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
first class
yep
times have changed a bit
it's a computer science class
in my day, a bastion of sallow/vampire complexion, black dress socks with sandals, jargon speaking, action figure owning geeks
and today - in my first class (only class right now)
my prof is a black woman from somewhere in the Caribbean (or her parents are) judging from her accent. she's in her mid-30s.
about half the class is women (and most of them good looking, make-up wearing, and well dressed [just to confound another stereotype from my earlier era]). most of them are studying engineering...
times have changed in 20 years
good
i'm looking forward to telling my daughter about my first day
times have changed a bit
it's a computer science class
in my day, a bastion of sallow/vampire complexion, black dress socks with sandals, jargon speaking, action figure owning geeks
and today - in my first class (only class right now)
my prof is a black woman from somewhere in the Caribbean (or her parents are) judging from her accent. she's in her mid-30s.
about half the class is women (and most of them good looking, make-up wearing, and well dressed [just to confound another stereotype from my earlier era]). most of them are studying engineering...
times have changed in 20 years
good
i'm looking forward to telling my daughter about my first day
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
why don't you just move in with your father, then?
that is what the stbx said to daughter
the argument? daughter said that when she (daughter) was rich (ah, the delusions of youth) from being a fashion designer she would give her mother and i money to go traveling. and her mother went apeshit.
daughter tells me it was quite a broo-hah-hah
the argument apparently ended when daughter told stbx that stbx was "immature" and "ought to grow up" - as daughter put it: "i schooled her hard"
stbx has been tossing the go live with your father shit more recently
stbx has been taking a course - to become a safety inspector.
when i asked daughter if her mother would be then moving into that as a full-time position at her workplace, daughter told me that stbx doesn't expect to be working at her job much longer - that stbx expects to be moving to a neighbouring province and working in the oilfields.
Smitten and i have seen/discussed this one coming for awhile. we believe that stbx is pushing the kids away so she can move away. stbx has wanted to move there since before we were married. it has always been her promised land.
i hope it happens sooner than later
the argument? daughter said that when she (daughter) was rich (ah, the delusions of youth) from being a fashion designer she would give her mother and i money to go traveling. and her mother went apeshit.
daughter tells me it was quite a broo-hah-hah
the argument apparently ended when daughter told stbx that stbx was "immature" and "ought to grow up" - as daughter put it: "i schooled her hard"
stbx has been tossing the go live with your father shit more recently
stbx has been taking a course - to become a safety inspector.
when i asked daughter if her mother would be then moving into that as a full-time position at her workplace, daughter told me that stbx doesn't expect to be working at her job much longer - that stbx expects to be moving to a neighbouring province and working in the oilfields.
Smitten and i have seen/discussed this one coming for awhile. we believe that stbx is pushing the kids away so she can move away. stbx has wanted to move there since before we were married. it has always been her promised land.
i hope it happens sooner than later
Monday, June 30, 2008
dad, i need to tell you something
daughter tells me she wants to go out with me without her brother he's still sleeping (it's noon). they are at their mother house this week.
daughter tells me (among other things) that son told her that all he feels now is anger. he has no other emotions but anger. no happy. no sad. no joy.
just anger.
that he just plays computer games all day so that he won't snap on anyone...
i phoned to get him up awhile later. i told him that he should come stay with me for 3 weeks during the summer so that he can get a very serious wind down period.
and they are leaving for 3 weeks vacation starting this friday...
----
on a lighter note, i may be eligible for an annulment by the catholic church on the grounds that she did not disclose her mental illness to me prior to entering into vows
----
gotta run
have a hot tub birthday party to go to - hopefully nobody's fingers hit my asshole but Smitten's this year (if this reference confuses you, read here and here)
daughter tells me (among other things) that son told her that all he feels now is anger. he has no other emotions but anger. no happy. no sad. no joy.
just anger.
that he just plays computer games all day so that he won't snap on anyone...
i phoned to get him up awhile later. i told him that he should come stay with me for 3 weeks during the summer so that he can get a very serious wind down period.
and they are leaving for 3 weeks vacation starting this friday...
----
on a lighter note, i may be eligible for an annulment by the catholic church on the grounds that she did not disclose her mental illness to me prior to entering into vows
----
gotta run
have a hot tub birthday party to go to - hopefully nobody's fingers hit my asshole but Smitten's this year (if this reference confuses you, read here and here)
Friday, June 27, 2008
lost
feeling a little lost
i am waiting for wednesday - my first day of classes (one class over the summer). perhaps that will ground me.
i feel like a kite being carried aloft with no string to ground it
this is perhaps the biggest flier i've ever taken
there's no landing spot
while i have made sure i am covered several ways for income
i am still feeling lost
i am not attached to any other unit than myself
there's just me here
i have my mom and dad
but i don't hang with them.
i have Smitten
but i cannot and will not hang everything on her
my kids are my kids - i will not rely on them for my place in the universe
i need to create the form of this new life
on my terms
i am waiting for wednesday - my first day of classes (one class over the summer). perhaps that will ground me.
i feel like a kite being carried aloft with no string to ground it
this is perhaps the biggest flier i've ever taken
there's no landing spot
while i have made sure i am covered several ways for income
i am still feeling lost
i am not attached to any other unit than myself
there's just me here
i have my mom and dad
but i don't hang with them.
i have Smitten
but i cannot and will not hang everything on her
my kids are my kids - i will not rely on them for my place in the universe
i need to create the form of this new life
on my terms
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
ixnay on the ousehay
someone bid $15,000 higher than us
i'm not prepared to go there
there will be another one
the market is less stupid than it was
i will buy on my terms, for my benefit - not someone else's
oh, well...
i'm not prepared to go there
there will be another one
the market is less stupid than it was
i will buy on my terms, for my benefit - not someone else's
oh, well...
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
time investment, emotional investment
i am spending a bunch of time working on a deal to possibly buy a house through my parents.
we have found one that meets my needs, and is in a pretty good price range for our newly canadian average home price fucking marketplace...
(house prices have more than doubled in the last 3 years - we were chronicly underpriced against canadian average and even where we should be
well - not any more
the house is in a half-assed Ok area of town. it is an area that is next to be on the upswing because it is half-assed OK and half-assed affordabel - therefore young families are buying in the area. various slum landlords and non-profit agencies are cashing in their housing stock in the price boom, so the rental properties (and the less than desireable tenants that went twith those properties) are now becoming owner properties
so we found one. it is in shit shape. it used to be owned by a, um, non-profit dedicated to the housing needs of a visible minority underprivileged ethnic group. structurally sound but the interior is trashed. holes in walls, filth, no interior upgrades in decades - a hole in the bathroom floor from leaking water that is so old it has eaten through the lino and 2 and a bit layers of 1 inch plywood... i may be a lefty and a bleeding heart, but this house (among many) was owned and operated by the leadership of this minority ethnic group - it was in as bad a condition as mnay slumlord properties i have seen. i am appalled at both the maintenance and the destructiveness of the occupants... (not that much because i've been around the block helping "these kind of folks" before - but it still rattles my sensibilities)
the house needs a full gut. 2-3 months of almost full-time work - this is no cakewalk - it will be hard work and shitty work. every piece of drywall in the entire house has to come out. son and daughter will help me. son's friend T took a basic homebuilding course and is available as well. my parents long-time contractor/handyman guy (whom i first met when i was maybe 9 years old) is semi-retired and willing to take a project that involves someone else doing the really hard labour and him being able to supervise and do as much buying and building as he wants - with others to take up the slack. a good arrangement and one that is perfect for my needs - this guy has been working on renovating houses like this for longer than i've been alive - he knows his shit - it will decrease my anxiety a lot. i am capable, but less than fully experienced at all of this.
but the house does make the grade
even after the cost of renovations (because of all of my [and kids'] sweat equity) it will be about the net proceeds of my eventual settlement. that means i will be either payment free or almost payment free.
a good thing
it is a little small - but more than enough for 1 person and 2 part-timers (or even son as a full-time, if that comes to pass).
i am spending my time, emotion and inspiration trying to make it happen - and have not been blogging much.
i do not actually expect the deal to happen - it is just "too good to be true" that this could work. Smitten says that now that i am with her i need to get used to things "just working out" - some "laws of attraction" thing.
if it does work out it will be a run of positivity that will be unprecedented in my life
here's hoping
here's not expecting
but hoping
we have found one that meets my needs, and is in a pretty good price range for our newly canadian average home price fucking marketplace...
(house prices have more than doubled in the last 3 years - we were chronicly underpriced against canadian average and even where we should be
well - not any more
the house is in a half-assed Ok area of town. it is an area that is next to be on the upswing because it is half-assed OK and half-assed affordabel - therefore young families are buying in the area. various slum landlords and non-profit agencies are cashing in their housing stock in the price boom, so the rental properties (and the less than desireable tenants that went twith those properties) are now becoming owner properties
so we found one. it is in shit shape. it used to be owned by a, um, non-profit dedicated to the housing needs of a visible minority underprivileged ethnic group. structurally sound but the interior is trashed. holes in walls, filth, no interior upgrades in decades - a hole in the bathroom floor from leaking water that is so old it has eaten through the lino and 2 and a bit layers of 1 inch plywood... i may be a lefty and a bleeding heart, but this house (among many) was owned and operated by the leadership of this minority ethnic group - it was in as bad a condition as mnay slumlord properties i have seen. i am appalled at both the maintenance and the destructiveness of the occupants... (not that much because i've been around the block helping "these kind of folks" before - but it still rattles my sensibilities)
the house needs a full gut. 2-3 months of almost full-time work - this is no cakewalk - it will be hard work and shitty work. every piece of drywall in the entire house has to come out. son and daughter will help me. son's friend T took a basic homebuilding course and is available as well. my parents long-time contractor/handyman guy (whom i first met when i was maybe 9 years old) is semi-retired and willing to take a project that involves someone else doing the really hard labour and him being able to supervise and do as much buying and building as he wants - with others to take up the slack. a good arrangement and one that is perfect for my needs - this guy has been working on renovating houses like this for longer than i've been alive - he knows his shit - it will decrease my anxiety a lot. i am capable, but less than fully experienced at all of this.
but the house does make the grade
even after the cost of renovations (because of all of my [and kids'] sweat equity) it will be about the net proceeds of my eventual settlement. that means i will be either payment free or almost payment free.
a good thing
it is a little small - but more than enough for 1 person and 2 part-timers (or even son as a full-time, if that comes to pass).
i am spending my time, emotion and inspiration trying to make it happen - and have not been blogging much.
i do not actually expect the deal to happen - it is just "too good to be true" that this could work. Smitten says that now that i am with her i need to get used to things "just working out" - some "laws of attraction" thing.
if it does work out it will be a run of positivity that will be unprecedented in my life
here's hoping
here's not expecting
but hoping
Saturday, June 21, 2008
talking to mom
as discussed in all men are evil... women are good and gentle and kind... which can be found just below, i hadn't ever gone to talk to my mom about the "answering for all men" and their crimes against women thing [later edit] that i have created for myself.[/edit]
[later edit]I had no idea of how to approach the discussion, so [/edit] I went to ask her if I am not "as useless as [my] father". I asked her if I was a male chauvinist. If i had "made the bar". If I was not like all those other men that i had vowed to not be like.
We talked. Maybe for an hour - I didn't get as much time to do the talk as I had wanted, but maybe it was just as well that it was time constrained.
My mother says that she cannot answer whether I made the bar. She doesn't know what I put in front of me [later edit] as the goal or "bar"[/edit].
She can say that she does not believe that I am a male chauvinist. She says that it is self-evident that i am not a man like those other men (and i named the ones i was talking about and the ladies that i listened to). Mom said that those men are for the most part not the men they used to be... mostly because they have been "beaten about the head" by their wives until they wised up.
And so it goes.
I explained much of what I have discussed with you here - not with any of the explicit sexual details, but with some reference to it because it is relevant to the overall discussion.
I discussed feminist theory and some of that - and had mom tell me that she does not call herself a feminist or pro-feminist because she thinks that lots of the angry feminist crowd are full of shit... (remember, this is someone who spent a lifetime surrounded by that crowd [and fighting with them])
We agreed that feminism as a definition of equality of opportunity was acceptable...
You know, like Smitten's definition "A feminist is someone who believes in equality of opportunity between genders socially, economically, and [something else - spiritually i think]."
I pointed out the sign on her fridge for over a decade "I myself have never been able to find out what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat" (Rebecca West)
She grudgingly had to agree that it was reasonable to call her a feminist.
According to mom ...I'm not a male chauvinist, I am an active and involved father, and I am aware enough of the everyday put-downs that women suffer. I have actively assisted female advancement in my life. I have defended women from gender bias and gender based abuse.
She has no issue with me on that front.
So,
i guess i made the bar
[later edit]I had no idea of how to approach the discussion, so [/edit] I went to ask her if I am not "as useless as [my] father". I asked her if I was a male chauvinist. If i had "made the bar". If I was not like all those other men that i had vowed to not be like.
We talked. Maybe for an hour - I didn't get as much time to do the talk as I had wanted, but maybe it was just as well that it was time constrained.
My mother says that she cannot answer whether I made the bar. She doesn't know what I put in front of me [later edit] as the goal or "bar"[/edit].
She can say that she does not believe that I am a male chauvinist. She says that it is self-evident that i am not a man like those other men (and i named the ones i was talking about and the ladies that i listened to). Mom said that those men are for the most part not the men they used to be... mostly because they have been "beaten about the head" by their wives until they wised up.
And so it goes.
I explained much of what I have discussed with you here - not with any of the explicit sexual details, but with some reference to it because it is relevant to the overall discussion.
I discussed feminist theory and some of that - and had mom tell me that she does not call herself a feminist or pro-feminist because she thinks that lots of the angry feminist crowd are full of shit... (remember, this is someone who spent a lifetime surrounded by that crowd [and fighting with them])
We agreed that feminism as a definition of equality of opportunity was acceptable...
You know, like Smitten's definition "A feminist is someone who believes in equality of opportunity between genders socially, economically, and [something else - spiritually i think]."
I pointed out the sign on her fridge for over a decade "I myself have never been able to find out what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat" (Rebecca West)
She grudgingly had to agree that it was reasonable to call her a feminist.
According to mom ...I'm not a male chauvinist, I am an active and involved father, and I am aware enough of the everyday put-downs that women suffer. I have actively assisted female advancement in my life. I have defended women from gender bias and gender based abuse.
She has no issue with me on that front.
So,
i guess i made the bar
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
