Counselling Is In the Works - I Think - She Agreed At Least

I have a whole other post I started to write, but left as "draft" containing the banal details of yet another bizarre "discussion" from last night.

I will spare you the grisly details.

Suffice it to say that at the end of it all Mrs_C had agreed to counselling.

She said she was getting weird and paranoid as a result of "The man I love telling me he wants to leave me." That she was abusive toward me. That the discussions and rants were abusive and destructive.

All of the above was not bullied or fought out of her. They were a result of her being wrong about some accusations she was making last night, and me saying some of the things you folks have said in your posts (unattributed, of course).

I told her we needed to go to couselling. I said that if I was angry enough to strike her, and she was prepared to spend that much time pushing hot buttons to provoke me, that we had some serious issues that required professional interventions.

I said that the endless discussions were not doing any good.

That was when she said she was abusive and vicious during those sessions.

I said that I wanted to discuss with her the manner of choosing the counsellor so that she would not feel the counsellor was hand-picked by me and she could be comfortable with the counsellor. She agreed to a subsequent discussion.

She told me what she wants to do.

• She wants to complete two minor elements left over from the endless renovation (baseboards and some painting).


• take yoga or another exercise/flexibility class (don't remember the name of it, i'm afraid)


• become a stronger swimmer to overcome her fear of deep water


• take more art classes (Mrs_C is an accomplished amateur painter)

I said that I would examine and ensure the neccessary alterations to family scheduling took place to allow her to do these things.

I am pleased to hear a coherent set of desires and goals actually stated. The last ones were: I want to have a nice house and yard. I want us to be happy and go on some fun summer vacations as a family.

We'll see how this goes.

---

Just for the record. I don't know if I want to stay married - haven't for some time. This last weekend really sealed it for me. I had decided to get my parents to help bridge me financially into my own place until the house is sold and assets were rationalised.

And then Mrs_C comes out with this...

I worry that Mrs_C has some quasi-telepathic link that let's her know when I've completely had it. She's done it before. Made some grand saving gesture right as I'm headed out the door (well, intentionally almost out the door, anyway).

We'll see.

I'm not so thrilled.

It's gonna take some serious self-delusion to get excited about trying to re-float the Titanic yet one more time.

Round and Round we go...

Last Saturday started as a good day. It was a good day when I posted the comment that day.

That evening my daughter's friend was over until around 9pm. I had suggested to Mrs_C that we go out for a cup of coffee.

We did.

Things were going swimmingly.

As we were sitting down on a couch at the bistro we went to I creaked a little. Mrs_C said "I hope you didn't over-do it at your work-out today."

I said maybe a little, but probably not. I talked about how I get a buzz after about an hour on the elliptical. How I'm able to keep going for longer and a little harder with each week.

She starts telling me about how I'm getting obsessed with exercise. Then tells me I'm obsessed with my diet. That they are taking over our lives and our family.

When I question the hyperbole of these statements, she tells me "When you started your diet you said you would be re-introducing meat and other foods back into your diet by now."

This is weird to me because I can see no causal connection between the re-introduction of meat into my diet and her statement - but, so go "discussions" with Mrs_C - I am always left grasping thin air for the connections between what the hell she is talking about. He statement is also pretty weird to me because I said that when I reached my target weight I would start introducing meat and fish and other currently not consumed foods, but I haven't reached my target weight.

After mentioning this, she tells me that my target weight is too low. That it's not healthy and neither is my diet (FYI: it is both conforms and is a few steps healthier than US/Canada food rules). That I'm missing things I need in my diet. When am I going to start eating eggs every day? (i missed that one too, but read on...). That I spend all my time preparing my food and exercising.

Mrs_C abruptly puts down her cup (which she has finished) and says we have to go. I say not 'til I'm done mine (1/2 done). She turns her back on me on the other side of the couch. I give up and say let's go.

We get talk a bit in the car on the way home covering some of the same ground, and when we get home she stops to have a smoke in the garage and re-states her entire thesis again. But this time she adds that everything we do, and have ever done in our relationship, is for me, and has been for me. And when does she get to have what she wants?

Now I'm having problems on the links between all this, but I'm an easygoing guy. Meat and fish - life goal fulfillment - sure... I can see the link...

And while I would argue her point on a factual level, I am trying desperately to avoid my standard and trained response to actually look at what she is saying and I try to make the leap to figure out what she is REALLY talking about...

But, however, I figure, OK, great! For the first time ever, Mrs_C will actually tell me what it is that she wants to do.

So I say "What is it that you would like to do? If my activities or the kids activities are denying you, we can move things around. What do you want to do and when?"

She has to think. Silence. Smoking cigarette.

After about five minutes she says "It doesn't matter anyway because we don't have the money to do it."

So I say "Well, pretend we did. How about just telling me and together we can find a way!"

Five more minutes. She says she's going to get a drink. Another smoke.

"Well, some dental work. And go on a trip someplace warm together."

I'm still missing something.

I ask "How does not eating fish and meat prohibit either of these. And how does going exercising 3 times a week for one and a half hours each time prohibit these. And how does preparing food twice a week for about an hour prohibit these goals?"

She says "You're just not getting it. You're not listening to what I'm saying."

So I ask "Didn't you tell me for years that I should get into shape and exercise for health reasons? Didn't you tell me to take [our son] exercising because you were worried he might turn into a couch potato?"

She says "Yeah, but when I told you you should exercise and eat differently you never did it."

I respond "Well, I had acute fibromyalgia and muscle spasms that were so bad they threatened to damage my spine - how would I have gone exercising then? And you were the one who demanded I buy more pre-prepared foods because you didn't want to cook."

She says "Oh just drop it, you don't want to understand." and then tries to walk away.

I rebutted with a plan to change the structure of how we do things and and our schedule and such and she countered with accusations I wasn't being sincere.

And on it went for about another hour.

Eventually we agreed to alter houshold schedules somewhat and change part of their diet so that there would be more crossover with my food so that they were eating more healthily too (more on the pre-prepared food crossover later).

At around midnight Mrs_C got paged - she was on call and there was a mechanical failure at her work facility that she needed to take care of.

She says she'll call with an estimate of how long we'll be so we can decide whether to watch a DVD we had.

She calls at 12:30 and says she'll be either a half-hour or an hour.

She says we shouldn't watch the DVD, but to take a nap and maybe we might "get together" when she arrives home.

I go to bed.

She arrives home at 2:30am - I hear her and look at the clock and fall right back asleep.

She jumps in bed and snuggles up. I'm quite groggy and try to wake up. In a very short time (the clock said 2:34) she all of a sudden shoves me away, and rolls in an abrupt motion with her back facing me.

I wiggle over, put my arm around her and say sorry - i'm a little groggy.

She turns, pushes me away, and says quite loudly some things about me not wanting to have sex with her. Accusing me of having no interest and asking if I maybe jerked off before she got home (not a subject or accusation that has ever been an issue before). And then she gets really nasty.

Mean and nasty until 5 am.

Finally sleep.

We get up late. I suggest we go together to do the shopping for the next week. She wants to have a shower first. When she comes out of the shower (right beside the rec room) she announces she's going upstairs to change.

I know I'm supposed to scurry after her like a dog, but I don't want to.

I remain on the couch in the rec room. I'm actually in fear that this will set her off again. That it will prompt another "discussion".

But I don't want to run behind her and hover about and be jump on command, however unspoken.

She was a little non-plussed when she arrived back down to see what I was doing, but let it go.

We went to the grocery store.

It has been ok since then (whooee 2 days).

---

On the dietary crossover. Last night Mrs_C tells me part of the reason that she wants to have their diets fit closer to mine is so that she can just heat up the food I make for myself instead of cooking if she's in a hurry or doesn't feel like cooking.

Healthy living at its finest.

Addendum (added after original post)

Just for the record, Mrs_C is not lazy. She is extremely hard working. Except for cooking. Mrs_C has a thing about food and cooking. She has said on a bunch of occasions over the last 2 decades: Wouldn't it be great if we didn't have to eat. Think of all the time we'd save.

To CP: An Apology

CP wrote an multi-part essay on her terrible years long experience at the hands of an abuser.

I apologise to CP for both my action and the timing of my post.

I had already begun writing my post below (Truth Time) on the Friday I first read parts 1 through 3 of CPs story. I have to tell you that I both almost lost my nerve to post what I did and was steeled to continue posting.

To have not posted, even in my shame, would have dishonoured you. I say again:

i am filled with anguish as you tell your story

i can only stand with you as you tell it

there will be at least one person here to listen

----

i'm sorry

and i'm here

and i will be here tomorrow if that is when you post the next part

or whenever you choose to post it (or if you choose not to)

and i will be here the next day after that

and the day after that

i will read your words

i will think about you

i will remember your story

I am responsible for my own actions. I take responsibility for my own actions. I take ownership and try to address the inevitable moral shortcomings that I have.

Responsible... I try.

Truth Time

This is a very hard post to write. Well, not as hard to write, but to post.

Last Saturday I struck Mrs_C.

Open palm on the shoulder.

About as hard as one might whack a stuck window or gate to get it to open.

About as hard a whumping dough that has risen.

Not that hard, but I still did it.

I have been at the edge of nausea over the incident for most of the week.

I apologised. I apologised again, and a third time. I apologised again yesterday.

Mrs_C said yesterday that she didn't consider it hitting her, but rahter a shove. She said it din't hurt her or even shake her physically.

I said that was a distinction I was not comfortable with.

The bottom line is still that I struck her.

I am in anguish over this incident for a number of reasons:

- I struck my wife. Something I had committed to myself to never do. Ever. Under no circumstance but protecting a child.
- My mother (in her 70s) was beaten when she was a child. I told myself I would never be one of those people.
- My sister's husband hit her on a number of occasions. I would have cleaned his clock, but she said no. I told myself I would never be like him.
- I have worked with women's shelters, women's centres, and anti-violence against women groups for 25 years.
- I have read the books, spoken with survivors, helped shelter women fleeing abuse. I have organised anti violence against women events over the last couple of decades.
- As Students' Union President at university and as a student activist I spent years protecting the abovew organizations from all the neandrathals who tried to shut them down.
- As Students' Union President at university, and while on the Board of Governors I forced a review of campus lighting, parking lot security, and changes to campus policy with regard to harrassment.
- I was asked by local women's groups to speak on a couple of occasions at anti-violence against women rallies and events. One of very few men to be invited to do so in the last 15 years.
- I was part of the team that got a policy of mandatory charges in domestic violence situations instituted on a province wide basis where I live.

My action violates a very deeply held belief.

How did it happen?

Mrs_C had been riding me for some days last week. Read other posts below. I am about as wound up as a clock.

On Saturday she told me she was leaving the city and the children and myself to go work in another province. She said that even the kids were criticising her and her actions.

She was crying. She was saying she was a worthless human being who didn't deserve to be around us and such.

I tried my best to console her, talk her out of that move, and to work through what she was feeling.

She wasn't having any of it.

Anything I would say she responded either in angry despondency, or with a really vicious attack on me.

My daughter was in the house. She was up in her room with the door closed and we were in the kitchen.

No matter what I would say Mrs_C would turn it around six ways to Sunday.

She can tie me up in knots on most occasions.

I still don't have a handle on what it is she does in her argumentative technique that messes me up so badly. I am a skilled and trained debater. Medal and award winning. So good that I got voted the silver shovel award years in a row by my fellow debators.

Mrs_C can mess me up in seconds. Well, minutes. She somehow manages to drag me away from what we're actually discussing into some other plane of reality. If we actually debate an issue, I win - every time. If we get into one of these "discussions", I'm lost.

You see, I'm trying really hard to be "emotionally responsive" and think about all the emotion stuff that I don't do so well at...

Anyway, i had put forward a convincing argument that she should stay, and that her perception of a couple of things was a little exaggerated. I was really quite upset and unbalanced by this point. I had taken all the hits to that point. I had conceded all the ground she asked for. I had offered and committed to make the changes to my actions and had written down the things she wanted me to do differently. I said she needed to look at her own behaviour in one context she had raised - that she was responsible for how the kids were reacting to her, and that if she weren't such a bag to them, they might treat her with more respect when she gets unreasonable. And she said "I don't have to listen to this", and stormed by.

I don't leave when Mrs_C wants to talk. I take it. For hours. For days. On some occasions when I have suggested a cool down, she has ripped into me good. I have cancelled meetings, business, and other activities because Mrs_C wants to talk. No matter how unreasonable I think the demand is, or the time requested, I give it.

And she decides she's just going to storm out because I said something she didn't like and couldn't shoot down witha quick retort.

So as she passed me I snarled "You fucking bitch!", and when she stopped and turned toward me, I struck her shoulder.

The odd thing was, she didn't seem surprised.

** Understand, I have never laid a hand on this woman in anger before. Even when she was physically assaulting me - with closed fists - I just warded off her blows (on 3 occasions in our marriage she has hit me with closed fists). Once when she stood in front of our doorway to stop me from leaving (for a meeting to get a contract worth about $20,000 while I was running my business - I was desperate for the cash) I used my arm to push her out of the way - but not as an actual impact push/hit. **

She moved away from me into our dining room. I began to sob and said to her "No matter what I say or do I can't ever get it right. I can't ever meet your standards or what you want ever. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I hit you. I'm so sorry! What is it that you want from me? What is it that I'm supposed to do that will ever make you happy with me."

She stepped toward me, put her arms around me and said "I'm sorry I said all those things that made you so angry that you did that."

I was still crying.

I was horrified that my wife would say words that I had read in so many case files of abuse. Where the woman apologises for making her abuser abuse her. I wanted to throw up.

After some time I calmed down. She was very calm throughout this episode.

A piece of my brain said she had deliberately provoked me into this action - that I had been manipulated.

Another piece of my brain said that was exactly what abusers think.

I was about to lose my mind.

We went out to her sister's place a little later on. Played cards. Went home - slept.

Things went downhill again until Thursday. I apologised a couple more times in that period.

I gave it 24 hours of peace and then yesterday I raised how I was feeling with Mrs_C. That I was sick with regret. I explained how this violated decades of thought and action - much of which she has been witness to.

First she said that I hadn't struck her. She argued that I had just pushed her. I said it was a distinction I would not be party to. That I would not rationalise it.

She said that while she disagreed, she would not argue what was a point of principle for me.

Mrs_C said that nothing could revoke what had happened, and that I just needed to make sure I never did it again.

She then said that she would not push my buttons like that again. She told me she had been deliberately poking hot spots and doing things that she knew would set me off and "make you mental". She said she was doing it to see just how much I really felt in our relationship, and how much emotion I had for our relationship. She said she thought I was just going through the motions in my efforts to rebuild our marriage and she wanted to test whether I would say OK when she said she was leaving.

And then she said she just got emotionally carried away with all the other stuff. That she allowed herself to get worked up.

And the result hadn't been exactly what she expected...

I politely suggested other experiments might be safer.

----

I'm calm now.

Today was a good day.

I took CP's advice and complimented Mrs_C on her appearance today - and she really did look good, so my comment wasn't phony.

I bought her chocolates. She was out with her sister for coffee while I went to work out, and on the way back I bought chocolates - partly thinking that her sister would come in after like she usually does and that it would give Mrs_C face in front of her sister to get chocolates (big box of a variety of truffles).

----

I apologise to the women who read this post. I apologise to all of you, because my action has a larger impact. It makes you just a little more insecure that even a "safe" man still has the potential to do something like this.

I'm sorry.

I don't do this sort of thing, and I'm unhappy to report it.

Why? Why did I post this and not just leave it unsaid?

One person posted a comment asking if I were giving the whole story about my relatioship. Could Mrs_C be that way, and could I be so saintly?

Well, I'm not. And this is one bit of evidence.

I said in response to the questioner that I was trying to be as accurate as I could - recognising my own bias.

I apologise again. For my action, and for what is now my hypocrisy in comments I have made about the violence that has been perpetrated against you.

And Suddenly The Storm Subsides

So, what's this about?

Yesterday, from work, I post how everything is going to shit.

This was after a night where mrs_c woke me up about 1:00 am to bawl me out after giving me the silent treatment during the evening, even when I had tried to gently pry the problem out of her (problem: I don't ask her out on dates enough).

I tried my half-awake best to be kind and sensitive. She stormed out. I went back to sleep. I had told myself - and her - that I wouldn't do the sleep deprivation thing again (see previous posts). If she wasn't going to listen to me, well, I had to work.

She then woke me up again a second time around 2:20 am to tell me that I was inexcuseably insensitive with my answer and by staying in bed - obviously I didn't give a shit. I tried even more feably to explain, but she rolled over in ahuff and I decided "screw you" and went back to sleep.

Mrs_C phones me once during the day with a logistical update regarding the kids and food in the house. Her call was quite brusque.

I later posted what I did from work (Caving In).

Then I get home, and mrs_c is nice as pie.

She tells me she handled things badly and she's sorry. She says she wants to try something different.

She apologises for waking me up and tells me she appreciates the fact that even though she woke me up, that I am still kind and sensitive enough to try to hear her out - even after my warning about not doing the sleep deprivation thing. She says that she got mad because I didn't give her the answer she was looking for.

I said that I tried to give the right answer. That I tried to address the emotional side of her question rather than responding to the specific substance of her complaint like I usually do. That approach didn't work.

I pointed out that I have tried every approach I can think of, and it never made a difference. My answers were never right.

I asked and she said didn't know if I could give a correct answer when she is mad.
(I didn't tell her what a bullshit attitude I think that is)

Now, she wants to, every week or so, tell each other one or two things we would like the other to correct or change or do differently.

So I asked her to try to put a time limit on her complaints. If she has a problem, she should limit her description of it to under 10 minutes, and discussion should be limited to less than 20 more minutes.

I said that I didn't think it was productive to go on for hours and days...

She said she was aware that was a problematic behaviour (my words) for her, and she would try to be more concise. She says the problem is that she is thinking out loud and thinking things through while she's talking.

I asked her to think first. I asked her to try to write it down in point form first.

I told her I thought she should think through more of what she says before letting fly, and that then maybe I wouldn't feel like she's ripping into me all the time.

If she would just think about it first, she might hear what and how she's saying it.

And so might I.

I told her I couldn't even remember the substance of the four days of grinding rant she just finished subjecting me to, and that it felt like abuse for the sake of abuse.

She wasn't happy about those descriptors, but took it.

She asked me to give her more hugs. More hugs and kisses.

Said it would be affirming and she wouldn't feel as "dangling".

I said it was hard to give hugs and kisses after being torn to shreds for a few days and that it usually took me 24 hours to stop being jumpy like a beaten dog.

She didn't like that comment either, but took it.

Then we had tea, watched a show we watch together, went to bed, and had sex.

I was still not completely into it (sex), but, well... whatever.

I wait for today's events after home time.

We'll see how the weekend works.

----

Right

On the don't ask out on dates thing.

I said that I would try to ask her out more.

I said that just like hugs and kisses, there needed to be a little emotional violence free time before I would get the big urge to spent time alone without witnesses (I may have been unneccesarily sarcastic).

She didn't like that comment either but took it too.
(usually i am much more polite and deferential, but i am seriously reaching the end of my tether)

I said that I would try to ask her out more.

Caving in

Yes. I caved in. Mrs_C pushed and pushed and pushed for days, almost without relent (a few hours here and there).

Right after the last post (March 10) I caved.

I said I would stay.

Since I said I would stay she has pretty much reverted. She told me that she doesn't think that she was as bad as I said, or did all the things I said she did. She says I'm making them up.

Privately I asked my son about a couple of the instances in my memory and he concurred with my memory. I then asked daughter. She concurred.

I asked my Dad, whom I had spoken to about the instances. He concurred.

I think I remember correctly.

Mrs_C says I am wrongly interpreting all the things that she did. She says she would tell me not to buy things while grocery shopping in a loving manner, not as a criticism. That she was just trying to provide input, and save a little money. FYI: my grocery shopping is frugal. I usually have to go buy the items she says not to buy within a couple of days after her "veto". I do most of the cooking and lunch preparation, so I know my stocks.

She says that all the things I said were criticisms were just poorly worded expressions of love from her, and that if she didn't care about me she wouldn't care enough to comment... She just wants the best for me.

Now it seem I can't escape one rant for another. I have been able to do almost nothing correct in the last couple of weeks since I said I would stay.

I was at the point where I was thinking things might work.

They are now as bad as the have been since the summer.

Can't win for losing.

Breathe.

Survive.

Situation Update: March 10, 2006

A lot of shit has gone down since my last description of things. I will attempt to describe them coherently.

Mrs_C tried to get me to say I'd stay, again.

I said that if I were given ONLY the choices of saying:

I love you forever, and I'll stay forever.

or

I'm leaving

I would leave.

That didn't go over well at all.

What I tried to say, and did say, is:

I am committed to our marriage. I love Mrs_C, even if I am really mad at her and don't neccessarily want to stay living under the same roof... I want the marriage to work, and am waiting for things to work out and to lose the anger and regain the passion.

Apparently that's not good enough.

I have to say I'll stay. Apparently it can be open ended, and doesn't neccessarily mean that we will stay together forever, just that we have to give it our best shot...

I don't see the difference except one is her wording and one is mine, and she gets to have some small victory in her head over me - but that may be an uncharitable view.

After many days of hour after hour after hour of emotional pummelling I conceded and said "Yes, I will stay, and we will just take it as it goes. That there are no guarantees in life, but that it is our intention to saty together."

That was fine for just over 24 hours.

Then she reverted back to her old ways of telling me all the things I would have to do to repair myself and our relationship, and how I should revise my exercise and diet routine.

I told her that she was reverting and was trying to exercise control in areas she shouldn't. She backed off. Sort of...

Then she started in on me about the need for me to forgive her.

I said that I don't believe in forgiveness. Which I don't. I find the notion of forgiveness to be an arrogant concept.

I figure God gets to forgive.

Me, I'm not nearly high and mighty enough that I even get the option of forgiving. I just move on. I have enough sins of my own that I don't even want to attempt to even achieve the staus of forgiver.

I just want to let it go, and move on.

I finally told her I wasn't moving on this subject and she couldn't bully me into it like the committment to stay.

Again, this did not go over well.

Please remember that during all of this I am getting only a few hours of sleep each night. Over a period of weeks. She's literally waking me up in the middle of the night because she can't cope. And she began calling me at work (which I put a quick end to). Also remember that she would go on and on about things and all the history and all my transgressiona dn argue and argue and argue and harop and harp and harp in circles for hours every day.

I was at my mental and emotional breaking point.

So I was occasionally a little curt.

Usually after I had softpedalled some statement for hours before. Then my curt reply would be the fodder for the next endless mind numbing delerium inducing unstable talk/rant/lecture/jeremiad

Yesterday she said:

"Women and men are different. Men can leave things. Women need to keep working at things until they feel comfortable. The way we work at things is to talk them out until we feel comfortable. I don't feel confortable yet, so I'm still talking."

Me

I figure that its all just going to take time and we said everything that needed to be said already, so let it lie.

A fallow field is more fertile the next growing season.

But Mrs_C won't stop.

She won't stop until I capitulate fully. And even then she won't stop because she'll know it won't be real, it will just be surrender.

She just won't shut up.

If she would stop picking at the scab it might be able to heal.

I am fine, and I get calm, and then she just works me up again until I wantto leave just to get away from her talking and talking and talking

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK

And so goes each day.

----

Just for the record, I actually like her more than a little while ago.

Maybe its just stockholm syndrome, but I don't care.

If i think i like mrs_c and can live with her, then it must be so...

but if she keeps on doing what she's doing, it wil surely drive me away

and it just goes on, and on

Does Your Spouse/S.O. Know About Your Blog?

The above question was asked at another blog. Below is my answer:

my blog revolves around expressed my otherwise repressed feelings about my wife.

we are on the edge of divorce.

it would be a REALLY bad idea for her to read it.

she knows it exists, but has not asked for a URL (i think because she knows i wouldn't give it to her, and she probably doesn't want to know some of the things i've written). she knows that it is anonymous and that i use it for expressing things i don't want to say to her. she views it as an extension of my sessions with my counsellor.

she recognises that i keep a lot of emotion locked up and that i need to find an outlet.

she is not completely comfortable with the blog, or my blogging life.

she says "you have this existance that is outside of anyplace i can see, and i'm not comfortable with that hidden life."

she has not asked me to stop blogging, even when i asked her if she thought i should stop.

On Illness And Dignity

I wrote this as part of a reply reply to a post by bg's Little Sis on her board The Sanok Frenzy

I thought it was relevant to post here because Mrs_C has been bringing up my illness (fibromyalgia) and her "support" of me during it as a bashing point recently.

She has been pointing to my illness as both as an example of me abandoning my share of work in our marriage, and of her love for me, and how she was prepared to shoulder any load for me...

---

when i was in the worst part of my fibromyalgia my muscle spasms were so bad i could barely move

i was depressed and physically unable to perform many tasks

my children were thankfully never mean to me about doing things like picking things up, or tossing something into the oven or other lifting and toting [and fetching]

i spent a fair bit of time apologising to them for my infirmity. they were gracious - i am forever grateful

mrs_c was less so...

i tried to do as much as i could - and would persist even when i moved terribly slowly [I have tremendous willpower about some things]

or when i had to lie down for awhile before gathering the strength to do the task

mrs_c would get frustrated very quickly (she's a real do it, and do it now kind of person) with how long it would take me to do things. she would usually do them first, or cut in while i was doing them, because the slow pace would irritate her. she says she was just trying to help and be supportive. i think i just pissed her off. she didn't realise that by doing this she was slowly stripping me of my dignity.

---

a few notes on the above:

my doctor and specialists said they had never seen such bad spasms. they couldn't control them with some pretty extreme drugs. they were worried that the spasms would damage my spine.

i was on ultra drugs as well as in excrutiating pain for an extended period

my children, and my family, and her family all said i was pretty evenly humoured and still functional through this period

----

mrs_c has a bad habit of cutting in when someone - like me or the kids - are doing something and she doesn't think they are doing it right.

i had to have a talk with her once (recruited her sister, who is a teacher, for support on this issue) about letting the kids do their own thing and make a few mistakes

she would say things like "but with help it could be so much better"

i tried to impress on her the idea that the dignity and reward of having completed a task on your own was more important in most cases (especially with a kid's project)

Wordcloud: Cadbury covers it...

This is the wordcloud for this blog. I thought it was interesting.

One of the things that struck me was the number of times the names of other bloggers/readers showed up in both of the wordclouds. The other can be found on my other blog.

Where the wordcloud was generated