A lot of shit has gone down since my last description of things. I will attempt to describe them coherently.
Mrs_C tried to get me to say I'd stay, again.
I said that if I were given ONLY the choices of saying:
I love you forever, and I'll stay forever.
or
I'm leaving
I would leave.
That didn't go over well at all.
What I tried to say, and did say, is:
I am committed to our marriage. I love Mrs_C, even if I am really mad at her and don't neccessarily want to stay living under the same roof... I want the marriage to work, and am waiting for things to work out and to lose the anger and regain the passion.
Apparently that's not good enough.
I have to say I'll stay. Apparently it can be open ended, and doesn't neccessarily mean that we will stay together forever, just that we have to give it our best shot...
I don't see the difference except one is her wording and one is mine, and she gets to have some small victory in her head over me - but that may be an uncharitable view.
After many days of hour after hour after hour of emotional pummelling I conceded and said "Yes, I will stay, and we will just take it as it goes. That there are no guarantees in life, but that it is our intention to saty together."
That was fine for just over 24 hours.
Then she reverted back to her old ways of telling me all the things I would have to do to repair myself and our relationship, and how I should revise my exercise and diet routine.
I told her that she was reverting and was trying to exercise control in areas she shouldn't. She backed off. Sort of...
Then she started in on me about the need for me to forgive her.
I said that I don't believe in forgiveness. Which I don't. I find the notion of forgiveness to be an arrogant concept.
I figure God gets to forgive.
Me, I'm not nearly high and mighty enough that I even get the option of forgiving. I just move on. I have enough sins of my own that I don't even want to attempt to even achieve the staus of forgiver.
I just want to let it go, and move on.
I finally told her I wasn't moving on this subject and she couldn't bully me into it like the committment to stay.
Again, this did not go over well.
Please remember that during all of this I am getting only a few hours of sleep each night. Over a period of weeks. She's literally waking me up in the middle of the night because she can't cope. And she began calling me at work (which I put a quick end to). Also remember that she would go on and on about things and all the history and all my transgressiona dn argue and argue and argue and harop and harp and harp in circles for hours every day.
I was at my mental and emotional breaking point.
So I was occasionally a little curt.
Usually after I had softpedalled some statement for hours before. Then my curt reply would be the fodder for the next endless mind numbing delerium inducing unstable talk/rant/lecture/jeremiad
Yesterday she said:
"Women and men are different. Men can leave things. Women need to keep working at things until they feel comfortable. The way we work at things is to talk them out until we feel comfortable. I don't feel confortable yet, so I'm still talking."
Me
I figure that its all just going to take time and we said everything that needed to be said already, so let it lie.
A fallow field is more fertile the next growing season.
But Mrs_C won't stop.
She won't stop until I capitulate fully. And even then she won't stop because she'll know it won't be real, it will just be surrender.
She just won't shut up.
If she would stop picking at the scab it might be able to heal.
I am fine, and I get calm, and then she just works me up again until I wantto leave just to get away from her talking and talking and talking
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
And so goes each day.
----
Just for the record, I actually like her more than a little while ago.
Maybe its just stockholm syndrome, but I don't care.
If i think i like mrs_c and can live with her, then it must be so...
but if she keeps on doing what she's doing, it wil surely drive me away
and it just goes on, and on
“All I want is for the baby to be healthy!”
1 year ago
7 comments:
it is not a woman thing
it is a desperate spouse thing
they know if they ask the same question a thousand times a thousand different ways, they will eventually get the answer they are looking for.
ask me how i know..
Hey Cadbury, I have been getting into your responses on B. Girl' and her sisterss bloggy lately. You have a unique way of looking on the objective side. Good balance in your head! Nice reads.
I was going to post that as a message on BG's site and I thought you would miss it, so I thought I would visit you.
I tee-otally understand your thoughts.
"If she would stop picking at the scab it might be able to heal." Well said, Cad! Live and let live, you are a good guy! Life is too short.
Now, If I could follow my own advice. Yeah. I struggle with the same hoo-ha. It is tough when you are committed.
Wishing you best...time is the teller of tales. Breathe deep, things will fall as they should. I am trying to learn that everything should come to pass exactly as it does. I need to bite my tounge...as the bloom of the rose fades, enjoy that fragrance, you will know it forever.
Sorry, I did get kinda deep.
Ahhh yes...what desperation makes some people do.
I think there are some people in this world who make insane decisions every day in the name of Desperation. Couple that emotion with antogonism and selfishness...and you've got what you're dealing with on a daily basis.
There is no law in this world that says anyone is sentenced to a life of emotional abuse. There is also no law which makes it easy for people to make tough decisions.
The only law I will cite at this moment is the one which says I unconditionally care for people who live with abuse of any form. I personally think that emotional abuse just as heinous as sexual and physical abuse because emotional abuse leaves unending scars no one can see.
Too many people in society can make excuses for using hateful word, manipulations, and the like. There are no excuses for such treatment of others especially when those people are your spouses and children.
I agree with tcole *waves hello to her and buddha girl*. It is the sign of a desperate spouse. She feels she is walking on eggshells with you, and from what you have said, she is probably right. You want to drop the subject and she is taking your silence to mean you are one foot out the door. You aren't communicating. Either of you. You are both doing what makes you feel comfortably individually...but you aren't interested in doing what is best for your spouse. It won't work that way, Cadbury. You need to talk a little for her. She needs to leave it alone a little for you. There has to be a happy medium. I give you kudos, the both of you, for trying to work this out...but sometimes, you need a little help. Is marriage counseling something you two would be willing to try?
CP.
I know that I personally need to talk and talk to work things out, but the appropriate place/way to do this is with a counselor.
Good luck with this awful situation.
T: yeah - you're probably right. It is a desperate spouse thing. I challenged (politely) Mrs_C on her contention, and she backed away from the gender assignment, and assumed it more personally.
hippichick: "Breathe deep, things will fall as they should." I am trying. Thank-you for your words encouraging my perseverence.
BG: "emotional abuse just as heinous as sexual and physical abuse". Thank-you for understanding.
CP: Thank-you for coming to my blog. I enjoy yours very much. You usually make me laugh very hard.
"You are both doing what makes you feel comfortably individually...but you aren't interested in doing what is best for your spouse. It won't work that way, Cadbury. You need to talk a little for her. She needs to leave it alone a little for you."
I borrowed your words. I used the concept. I proposed such. It was a useful and successful point to be able to make, and to begin to personally understand.
CP and rocky: see the post from Update for some comments about counselling. Mrs_C refuses to go to counselling. Occasionally she will agree and then back out.
Mrs_C is of the opinion that "all counsellors are just crazy, and became counsellors just to figure out their own problems." and "what the hell is someone who doesn't know me or give a shit about me going to do for me?" and "so they get paid to nod at me. how is that going to help me?"
i'm just now catching up on all of this... DAMN.
as someone who's been through a very painful divorce, i wish i had some words of wisdom to share with you...but all i can say is, hang in there. you'll have the answers you seek one day, and you'll know what to do.
in the meantime, just breathe.
Post a Comment