Lawyer, Dinner Invite, Mom, and anon "wads"

I had been avoiding calling the lawyer and getting the papers drawn up. Why? Pain avoidance. But, all things are as all things are. It had always been my hope to, before getting to that point, actually hear the words "I understand" from Mrs_C and have them stay there. She has said she understands other times, and then changes her story. I have since realised that it is part of the game. By refusing to acknowledge the problem, she doesn't have to change.

So I called the lawyer's office and requested the papers be drawn up.

---

Was invited to a dinner by [Lady Of Smitten]. A fundraising dinner for a high-profile local charity. I will be sitting with her boss (close friend/older mentor) and co-workers (at a table paid for by the organization she works for). She showed had them a print-out of my online dating profile before out first date and then told them that the dates went well. She wanted to invite me to this dinner, and they all want to check out "the guy". So I'm going. I'm kind of pleased, this is exactly the kind of thing Mrs_C would always jam out of going to. [Lady Of Smitten] likes this kind of social event, and had issues with her ex-husband about going to such (or not). She is really happy that I would like to go and that this is the type of event I would naturally be attending.

Good thing this sort of situation - public events, dinners, charity fundraisers, polite dinner conversation, meeting people I don't know from Adam and being well perceived - is what I have been raised from birth to do...(literally) or I might be crapping my pants. I still am a little, but I'm OK.

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My suits don't fit like they used to since I lost the weight. I picked the best one - the one i had tailored for me on last year's Asia/Pacific business trip. I was waiting to have them taken in until I had reached target weight (cheap bastard that i am).

I took my ensemble to get my Mom to tell me if it fit OK. She inquired what I was attending. I told her - she asked how much it was costing. I told her nothing, and that i had been "invited" (emphasis and inflection). She said "good". She said "you should be getting [pause] "out and about". You're ready. You can't sit and look at four walls. You need to go out with friends and socialise, and you need to get [pause] "out and about".

I said "I'm sitting with, uh [pause] - the boss and co-workers. Will I be OK? Do I look presentable enough?"

We discussed some tricks to not looking baggy (the critical one being to not button up the jacket - I've lost 8-10 inches off my waist since it was tailored) and not showing the places I put the safety pins in (I warned [Lady Of Smitten] that my suits were not perfect, but that I would be fully presentable).

My Mom said she didn't want to know any details because it was none of her business, but that she had saved an article from a magazine for me. She gave it to me and I read it at the kitchen table while sitting with her. It was about being separated and divorced and single and dating. And how a person should take advantage of the opportunities to have "the other life" in the weeks they are not being a parent. We laughed about some of the funny things the lady who had written the article had said.

---

I've reactivated the requirement that people be registered bloggers to post comments. I had left it off in case some friends from another online community dropped by.

I have begun deleting some comments. I do not know how many i will delete in the future.

I have decided that the individual who is making these posts is doing what's called "flame trolling" and getting kicks out of seeing if I will rise to the bait. After being ignored the tone comments rose to the level of pure "flame bait" and that is what made me realise that it is actually a game that is being played to provoke reaction.

If neccessary I will put comment moderation onto this blog until the anonymous "flame troller" gets the message they are not wanted here and goes away.

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I hope everyone has a great day. Mine is only getting better.

Flip Sides

Bottom Side:

Mrs_C came over to the apartment with daughter Sunday morning to pick up some stuff. She did her usual call me and wake me up thing on weekends when she wants to get me before my brain is fully firing (in my opinion it is a deliberate strategy). She yaks while daughter gets her stuff. Mrs_C says "You know we could do movies at the house with the kids sometime - that might be fun - I dunno maybe Sunday night like last time - that was fun, wasn't it."

I said "Yes, that was fun" (which it was) and the conversation moves on.

She phones me on Sunday to say "What time will you be over to watch movies?"

I'm like "Uh, no. What are you talking about?" I advise her I am not coming.

She calls me later on Sunday evening. It turns out Mrs_C did not cancel the "marriage" counselor's appointment for Monday. She had told me she was going to. I should have followed up myself. She says she hopes I'll be there. I tell her "No. There's no point." She says "Think about it, I really want you to be there.". I say I have no intention of doing so, and that we should be moving on. That I have every intention of being a constant and solid co-parent, but that I had made my feelings and intention about our marriage clear. I said good-bye.

I did not go to the counselor. I called the counselor before the appointment time and left a message saying I would not be there and that I saw no point in being there.

I saw her this morning when I went to pick up son to drive him to school. She said "I just want you to know I forgive you. I forgive you your decision."

I said "Yeah" and left.

---

It's funny how she moves from tactic to tactic. One time she doesn't understand. Another time she begs forgiveness. Another time she finagles time using the kids as bait. Other times she tries to dangle sex.

I told her after the last time the "I just don't understand" thing came up that if she didn't understand over a year of talking about it, then she either wasn't listening or would never understand - and that if she didn't understand the reasons, she would never be able to fix it.

But she never addresses the core issues. I just don't care anymore. I have so had it with even caring to address the bullshit.

I realise it is about control. As long as she can keep me engaged in the conversation she has control.

I'm tired of that conversation.

---

Up side:

[Lady Of Smitten] and I went to go to the movie. But it was closed. So we ate the picnic supper I had made in the park. It was wonderful. We walked around the park and a bunch of marshland in one particular part - watch the birds flocking and the beavers preparing for winter. It was a gorgeous day - unseasonably warm until very late.

It was a day that God had made.

As it got dark we climbed a hill overlooking that part of the city, and looked at the lights. And walked back to our vehicles.

[schoolboy pitter-patter: +2]
I held her hand as we walked. It was thrilling.

We kissed in the park. It was wonderful.
[/schoolboy]

I intend to maintain an appropriate decorum. The wonderful spinning motion going on in my head feels much like coming off those merry-go-rounds they used to have in the parks when I was a kid.

While it might be fun while doing it, I certainly can't function that way, so I am keeping myself under a healthy level of control.

It's glorious not having to worry about getting bitten when I express joy.

Sundries

I switched gyms

I had been using municipal facilities. The facility I was using closes at 9:30pm. With single parenthood and fall taxi season coming up, I decided I needed a gym that would be open later. My new one is open until 11pm except Sunday.

Kids' exercise

I was unhappy about the fact that they put serious hurdles in place to get teenagers on site but understand why from a business and liability perspective. Son is whom I am more concerned about - he used to come with me 3 times a week, but that dropped off at the end of the school year as he raced to finish unfinished schoolwork. He is starting with some of his sports (he plays this weird Asian game) again this fall, so he will be doing that for at least 2 hours twice a week. It is strenuous activity.

Daughter is active in phys-ed at school.

They both dance 2 hours a week (strenuous dance).

I have a calisthenics program developed for them based on mine, and will be doing that with them twice a week. I have asked Mrs_C to enforce/reinforce the routine when they are at her place.

I intend to take them swimming (or other substitute physical activity) once each weekend I have them. I think that this will form the basis of a reasonable exercise regimen along with their other activities.

---

More offers of assistance arrive

As people that were unaware of my change in status return from summer holidays and find out, the offers of stuff keep piling in. I am having to decline most offers. I am actively and publicly trolling for places to take the kids (cabins and such) for fun outings. The request is similar to my requests during the summer that led to the horseback riding and other activities.

I intend to squeeze every last bit of outdoor time out of what has been a godsend of a summer for weather so far.

---

Son has been asked to be an in-class assistant to his teacher in his communications multi-media classes.

He is tickled beyond belief. I taught him how to do a lot of stuff over the years as he watched me do what I do - so now he has a substantial leg up on the other students. He loves to teach and share his knowledge. This role in the class gives him much face in the school.

Yay Son!!!

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Household

I am half-way done ironing all the laundry backlog, and all the laundry is finished. I only have a few boxes left to unpack.

I have pictures on the wall. I took some pics and will share them later. My daughter painted three of them and I am quite pleased to have her work on my walls.

I look forward to sporting a piece from another artist we all know and love in our collective blogging circle :-)

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More date

[Lady Of Smitten] called yesterday and asked me to a movie and a walk in the park. This was after we had talked about a two week gap until next date.

Yay!

She said she was going to call me today with show times.

The movie turns out to only show at 6pm (artsy short film), so I made a dinner to eat in the park either before of after the movie. I had checked all the times and everything before she got back to me by voice today and sent her an email saying I had pre-emptively made a picnic dinner (saying I hoped it wasn't presumptuous). She said I was "cute" (then asked if it was ok to call me cute [first time for everything]) and said she was flattered.

We will address timing of various activities on arrival after work.

[smile]

OK, the "When to date?" question

"my only concern is that you might be moving a little quickly, in starting to date..."
- terry, queen dork, September 10, 2006

This is an actual question, not a rebuttal.

When is the appropriate time to begin dating anew?

Here is my thinking:

I need to leave Mrs_C behind in my own head. She has been the only woman in my life and in my mind for almost 20 years.

I have looked around - I've not been dead. It was always more of a momentary thrill thing to "look around". My fantasies were always of her.

How do I chase her out of my head? By sitting in my apartment alone when the kids aren't here? By doing dishes and laundry and ironing and arranging the cupboards one more time? By immersing myself totally in my work? I can only go exercise so much. I refuse to hang out at my parents place. It is taking a little time to re-engage friendships that had withered. And sorry, but the guys don't do it for me when it comes to leaving Mrs_C behind.

I understand that I should not get into a deep and involved romance on any sort of immediate basis. That is pretty clear to me. What's it called? On the rebound?

Not where I want to go for me or for the other person.

I understand the criticism of dating when the possibility existed that I might choose to return. That is not in the cards now.

I do not think that the "moral" stricture of being still legally married is an issue. I don't, and I will not change my mind. Marriage is not a legal decree for me. It is a commitment that I have severed. I do however, understand the social conventions and social restrictions that are implicit with still being legally married and not divorced. And there are some.

I have no intention of allowing my children to have an awareness of my dating. I have no interest in having them see a parade of dates. I have no intention of involving anyone else in our family life, or of doing things together.

I have had it presented to me that I should "spend more time finding out who you really are".

OK. How do I do that? By sitting alone in my apartment?

I should also say that I adore women. I really do. Even when married, I was in the kitchen talking to all the aunts and ladies rather than talking car engines, hunting and trapping, sports, and all the "guy talk". I did engage the guys and have done and can talk about all that stuff, but I'm not in the same headspace as most guys. I like women. I'm reticent to say the following, but what the hell... Women never fail to give me a thrill. I am deeply enraptured by almost every woman I meet and talk to. Not in a "Rico Suave" sense of trying to make time with all the ladies, but in a deeply interested manner. I don't know how to describe it. It's not a predatory thing, but a fascination and delight thing. You know when you are walking though a forest and every breath and every view is sheer delight - you are equally enthralled by every moment and every sight. That's me.

Sorry if that comes across the wrong way or offends anyone.

I would underline at this time that until things actually began to seriously break down with Mrs_C she never had an instant of doubt about my fidelity. In her lucid moments after the accusations, she even said she really didn't doubt my fidelity even when she did question it. Mrs_C always enjoyed my ability to talk with women - her sisters and aunts and cousins and co-workers (and occasional friend) all told her what a charming and nice guy I was, and how easy I was to talk to. I think that's part of the reason they are so mad at me.

But enough digression.

Even if my kids did find out, and I have a intend to keep it private from them, I am not sure that they would be surprised or upset. They have given me grief/teased me for some time - even before the marriage breakdown occurred - about "the ladies" and being a "ladies man" - even Mrs_C would bug me. Again, I underline that neither they or Mrs_C or anyone else thought I was "cruising". I have a deep voice and an engaging manner. I garner attention in most social instances (male and female). I am a leader - at a community level, in the organisations I belong to, and in things I do. I can accurately be described as charismatic.

The kids have been teasing me about "sparkin' the ladies" (Beverly Hillbillies reference) since things stabilised after I moved out. I have always said that "there are other things to attend to first". I have never denied it as a possibility, but have avoided or deferred the subject.

So, again, the question is:

When is the appropriate time to begin dating anew?

Smitten

smite
One entry found for smite.
Main Entry: smite
Pronunciation: 'smIt
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): smote /'smOt/; smit·ten /'smi-t&n /; or smote; smit·ing /'smI-ti[ng]/
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English smItan to smear, defile; akin to Old High German bismIzan to defile
transitive verb
1 : to strike sharply or heavily especially with the hand or an implement held in the hand
2 a : to kill or severely injure by smiting b : to attack or afflict suddenly and injuriously
3 : to cause to strike
4 : to affect as if by striking
5 : CAPTIVATE, TAKE [smitten with her beauty]
intransitive verb : to deliver or deal a blow with or as if with the hand or something held
- smit·er /'smI-t&r/ noun

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Yeah.

That would be as in number 5 above.

[sigh]

So, after my initial successes with those couple of dates, I decided that I wanted to go out on more dates. So I began to think about what was the most efficient means of meeting women that might be interested in going out.

(yes, I know you can all hear it coming)

Yes. I joined an online dating service.

Being the methodical person I am I checked it out. I created three profiles. One male to cruise around and check things out. One female to check out the competition - with the notation on the profile "Sorry just looking, not ready for dating yet"

And my profile.

I worked and worked and honed and worked on this profile. I put private only pictures (have to ask permission to see). The profile is one of the longest of all the male and female profiles in my age cohort (10 years either way) male or female. I also used their "blogging" capability to build some blog entries around the subject of dating and what I'm looking for in a relationship.

The profile is a thing of beauty. It is some of my finest communications work ever. I'm really proud of it. I showed it and the pics I selected to some of my co-workers (boss and a buddy) and they were in awe. Yes, it's that good - and that on target to my, uh, target audience. [heh!] (ell, they're guys, so they thought it was on target...) And it's all true - 100% accurate - I had them look at it with a critical eye to "puffery". I realised while writing it - Hey! I actually did all that shit. I have been around the world a few times. I can dance. I love music. I have a song in my soul that longs to be released (no - that's not a line from the profile - read the new masthead description on this blog for an outtake ;-) I am funny (most of the time). I do and have done exciting things and have an exciting job(s).

Yes, I know it sounds cheesy, but if I can dress-up and get a haircut (well - not me getting a hair cut of course...) and make sure my teeth are a little whiter and my shoes are shined and pants pressed - why can't I write a really good profile? (my one co-worker is giving a really hard time because it's so well done [he hasn't had a date in awhile...]).

10 pics, 8 with smiles (real/joyful - not posed). 1 in a suit. Most outdoors (plenty of green and water) Historical sites in the background, me in front of a marina, blah blah.

The offers of dates and contacts have been flooding in (literally) - even without a picture on the public profile. Most of them tell me it's the best profile they've seen on the site (good to know my years in the field of communications and research aren't being wasted [heh!]).

I've had 3 other dates that I accepted (I'm being picky - don't need to play the wide open field - I'm a Dad with responsibilities). One date was lame, one was OK, and one was good.

---

So, I got this new contact "Check out my profile" from a lady. I do. It's uncannily what I think I'm looking for. We exchange some messages. Without prompting or leading questions on my part she just keeps on hitting target with just about everything she writes. So I send picture permission and my phone number. She calls. We talk for something just over two hours and neither of us realises it's that long - we think it's been maybe a half an hour - forty minutes. We set up a date.

That was tonight. She had sent me some photos. She was a pleasant looking lady in the photos, and I loved talking to her over the phone.

We went for supper tonight. She's incredible. She might as well be a compatiblity print-out she matches up so well. Science Fiction freak (she knew every allusion I dropped and book I quoted/cited), and Star Trek out the yinyang, community social activist/worker (not political), parent, healthy diet and lifestyle, doesn't watch much TV, likes Monty Python and English programming, a little artsy, kind (appears to be - and job history suggests kind as well), good sense of humour, blah blah.

She's not nice looking - she's drop dead gorgeous. I was worried I was out of my league.

She's soooooo nice. She put me at ease. I discoverd I wasn't even thinking about looks or worried about it after the first little while. (I'm lying [sort of] - i was constantly aware that she is so constantly stunning she makes my mouth drop open *good thing all the flies are dead from the cold now*) We laughed and talked and blabbed. She asked hard questions about relationship expectations (not that we were going to have one, just what would we expect if...). We took turns. She asked about background and some personal history.

We talked and talked some more.

I really like her (I told her that - she turned all red and blushed). I think she likes me. She said she did, and the questions that came up were not phony baloney filler. She said she felt a little giddy as we parted (hugged for about 2-3 minutes).

And we have another date in two weeks. She's all booked up with work and travel right now (she also teaches seminars and stuff to women around the province [healthy living, emotional well-being, getting in touch with your feelings stuff]). She has alternating custody of her kids, so it's after her next cycle with the kids.

[sigh]

off to bed - got to work out tomorrow morning

see you soon!

[wheeeee!]

Dear Anonymous

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Fuck Off

---

I was going to write a detailed acerbic rebuttal and refutation of various of your points, and the tonality of your posts, but I realised that I didn't feel like it.

So thought I'd be more straight forward.

---

Fuck Off

---

If I wanted to listen to someone who was overbearingly assured of their being right in each and every situation and instance I would have stayed married to Mrs_Cadbury.

You waltz in here a few days ago posting anonymously. You obviously hadn't even read the majority of posts on this site when, with the utmost of assurity in your own correctness, you started telling me what I should do. And not very politely.

You contradict yourself, you make sweeping statements with little basis in fact or background, you post anonymously, and you insult me. You insult my son. You insult the other people who talk here. You offer nothing of yourself to the community of people posting.

The majority of people here have been posting since almost the inception of this blog. Others have their own blogs which provide a view into the kind of people they are, or at least want to be. They share. They share their pain and their joy. Their failures and their victories - small and large. Their dreams and their fantasies.

They are my friends. I know the real names of many of these people, where they live, their occupations and their academic and life background.

Others who arrive have their own blog that provides insight into who they are. Often we travel the same blogging circle - the same community. They too are welcome.

You pompously waltz in here purporting to be the bringer of all knowledge - the one with the insight into the truth. After being forced to create a profile to post, you immediately revert to anonymously posting again. And what do I know about you that would make me trust you or listen to you? You could be a loudmouthed 13 year old or a child molester in prison somewhere. I don't know, because all you share is your detailed prescriptions for fixing my life - a life you have participated in for what? 4 days. That is why this is my favourite of all your comments "This is a perfect example of your problem. You think you know something and are willing to spout off about it when in fact you have absolutely no basis for forming a guess." - Anonymous, September 06, 2006

Fuck You, Anonymous Blog_Surfer. You haven't earned the right to spout off like you do.

If you want to continue posting here without having your posts deleted summarily, I suggest you:

1) get a little more polite. directness is fine. pointed is fine. but get polite and also don't denigrate the others here with your sweeping comments and dismissals and not so subtle jabs at their views
2) use your profile to post. fill in the blanks. describe who you are and a little bit about where you are coming from
3) create a blog and talk about a few of your own ideas instead of just wandering in a taking potshots.

Then you will have walked a ways toward earning the right to participate.

Who Called It...?

"she'll just drag it out..."
- Big Pissy, September 05, 2006

"I'd lean to the manipulation side of things on the dental side, but I'd make sure she gets it done quickly, the appointment set, give it a deadline or something to show you mean it."
- bg's Little Sis, September 07, 2006

---

Went to meet the teacher night for Daughter. Mrs_C phoned last night to tell me to be there (she got the memo [see: impetus for online family calendar]). She thought "We should show a united front."

I agree. Not my wording, but we should show unity or, uh, jointness... as parents in this situation in dealings with the school.

The teacher was thrilled to meet us (Daughter has already impressed the teacher [like she has every year]with her scintillating self, extreme verbosity [quality verbiage], and keener to please personality). I did my usual volunteer to teach/help with computer and internet stuff. I also volunteered to use my connections to get members of the legislative assembly out to the school for their social studies section on governance, and to provide any additional materials needed.

Walked to the house with Mrs_C afterwards, she asks me to come in to discuss a couple of parenting issues - sleep/bedtime schedule and exercise/activity planning for the kids. I'm wary, but agree. I put a time limit on it saying I need to go work out.

We talk - it's all business.

This is where she lobs out of nowhere (as part of a reference to dealing with the school) "Well, I wanted to show that we weren't fractionated and hating each other - you know in some families there's drinking and violence and abuse - but I wanted them to see that we're just people, even if we're split [editor's note: so far so good, right?]- because who knows how long we'll stay split - or whatever may happen in the future..."

Not biting, I replied "That's why the online calendar is so important - to allow us to manage our parenting roles even while we are in separate households."

I stood up and left. She grabs me and hugs me as I'm leaving. Then kisses me full on the mouth - I pull back and make stuttery hasty noises and motions to leave.

And I leave. Quickly.

Evil Cadbury And The Forces Of Light And Dark

* This may not make sense to everyone that reads it - but regular readers should be able to follow what it refers to *

The man the forces of darkness called "Evil Cadbury" sat in his wizard's tower looking at the dusty old scrolls. He finally had a key piece of evidence against the forces of darkness. Evidence of REAL corruption the last time the forces of darkness held sway in Middle Earth almost 20 years earlier. Evidence of corruption in the dim past by the new leader of the forces of darkness.

Two and a half years Evil Cadbury had been combing the dusty scrolls, following the trail of rumour and half-whispers when all others had given up on it as mere legend.

Only Evil Cadbury had the patience and the fanaticism of pure belief. Belief in the light.

Evil Cadbury's years of preparation and simple and savagely brutal tactics and methods had won the forces of light the last great battle. Evil Cadbury is not the most powerful man in Middle Earth, but he is one of the most feared. Because of his pure and undying belief in the light.

It is widely believed the forces of light will lose the next great battle and those in the sway of darkness will gain power and force children onto the street, the infirm to pay for their care, and the mentally ill into back alleys.

Evil Cadbury's patience and careful research looks like it will be more brutal and horrific on the leaders of darkness than last time. Evil Cadbury doesn't care.

"Decent people sleep soundly in their beds only because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence upon those who would do us harm." ~ George Orwell (apocryphal)

Obvious Ambivalence

Addressing some questions and commentary.

You are all absolutely correct in seeing a level of ambivalence and hesitation all the way along in my desire to leave Mrs_C.

I had no desire to leave Mrs_C. I did, and do, have substantive desire to leave an abusive relationship - and therefore, necessarily, must leave, and have left, Mrs_C.

As I have said: there is no question of love, or of caring, or of desire, or of longing, or of commitment.

There is the question as to whether I could continue to live with Mrs_C. The answer is no. There is the question as to whether the love and caring could overcome the anger and rage. The answer is no.

I emotionally left last year when I could not deal with the put-downs. Many of you have been with me for that journey. I physically left at the beginning of this summer when the rage and the anger and the uncontrollability of the emotional swirl became too much.

For various reasons I tried to make the situation less painful - for me - for her - for the kids.

As Mrs_C's icon Dr. Phil would ask "How's that workin' for ya?"

So I tried to address the split with finality when she returned from vacation. Didn't hold up so well, and softpedalled once again. Knew that it just had to be done. So I did it. Somewhat harshly. I am not very good at being mean. Discipline and order is one thing - harshness... no.

So with little experience at holding the line with Mrs_C - last friday I had to say this is it - it's done - it's finished - I'm not coming home - I'm not coming back.

She raised her voice. So did I.

I'm not perfect like the anonymous guy.

Pissy said:

"I've seen it all. I've heard it all. You and Mrs. C will NEV-ER be able to work this out without lawyers. Mrs. C won't allow it. She says she will. But she'll just drag it out..."

"Why prolong the inevitable?

You've been going through this pattern with Mrs. C since I started reading your blog."

Yeah. The reality check.

---

Mrs_C wanted to exchange written calendars with all the kids stuff on them (neither of us are the best with calendars and stuff). I'm building a web based one with different modification rights that any of the four of us can put stuff into - kids can enter dances and birthday parties and stuff and we can put in our stuff - lessons, blah, blah. Because the kids will be bringing school notices to both addresses we need to have an information sharing tool that is accessible from as many places as possible.

We'll see how it works.

The Long Weekend

This post starts a little before the last one ends.

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Picked the kids up from the house and drove away. As we got to the end of the block my daughter says "Are we safe now?" and laughs kind of an ironic slightly dig/poke laugh. Son says "Onward! To food, and to sanity."

I left those comments where they laid at that moment. I was still rattled and didn't know where to go to address them after the previous scene with their Mom and their Aunt.

I called my Mother to tell her we would be arriving shortly for the birthday party.

---

That night after the birthday party I had a discussion with the kids about why it was now final. I laid out the reasons (such as are fully appropriate for them to know) why I had come to the decision.

They advised me they were expecting it. They said they were breathing a little easier because they had actually dreaded the thought of us getting back together and things reverting to the way it used to be.

They said they understood why I had made the decision I had.

We had a full question and answer session.

---

Went to talk to Mrs_C on Saturday morning. Went over the structure of how things might work. Pending the OK from my lawyer I will be facilitating paying about half of the mortgage and taxes until next summer. I don't want the kids to lose their rooms and their house. There is only so much change they can take at once.

Pending a lawyer discussion, I have agreed in principle that if there is no specific downside, or anything that isn't "correctable" that we will not go for the fast track option on divorce. There are some extended health benefits (dental, eyewear, and such) off my plan that Mrs_C would like to access in addition to her plan. I see no reason not to do that if there is no downside for me (other than "closure" issues).

We discussed how to rejigger wills and life insurance benefits. I described a trusteeship structure that I thought would work for her - the same basic structure I will be putting on mine.

And a number of other housecleaning issues.

I tried to underline again that I have zero interest in a combative or retaliatory relationship. I underlined that I would rather have as little of our money end up in the hands of lawyers as possible. I would like her to be able to stay in the house if she wants to, and will take what steps are neccessary to facilitate that. That I have no intention of being an SOB. I underlined that all she has to do is talk to me - a fair division does not mean that everything will be exactly equal at all moments.

Yes, I heard that intake of breath.

What I mean is: So what if I'm in an apartment and she's in the house? So be it. Someone has to live in the house. It's going to be her - and the kids when they are there. I am currently content to wait until next summer (posibly later) to move out of my apartment (we'll see how I feel when the snow comes...). So she gets the house 'til then. So what. At the appropriate time we will split assets.

Her sister and sister's husband have been telling Mrs_C I would be "taking her to the cleaners", and that she should go there first (the brother-in-law has always been a real gun-totin' "manly-man" full of "yeah you should do this and that" and "fuck-em all!!!"). I told her she was welcome to try, but that other than revenge I didn't see a purpose that would be served. Especially when the lawyers would get the benefit of such a war, not us. She agreed.

---

Had a good weekend with the kids. We re-ordered the apartment into a more permanent home. We framed the pictures my daughter had painted and put up the carved African masks that weren't allowed up at the house. Got some of my books from my Parents' place. Picked up various items of art I had stored there as well (I have a swack of cool [in my mind anyway] stuff from my globetrotting in younger days).

We slept.

We ate.

We walked in the park and the sunshine.

---

Mrs_C and her Mother have started telling my daughter that she's fat. I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with this. I refer you to the following picture for your own judgement on her weight. Mrs_C also ripped into son on the issue. Grandma had been beaking at him while they were on holidays.





Did I mention that two of Mrs_C's sisters had suffered from anorexia...? Or that one of the two had also been bulimic? I don't think so. Never needed to come up before. I really don't know how I'm going to deal with that one.

Daughter and son were both quite upset about it. I should also mention that daughter does look a little, um, I don't know what the right word is. She's just started to develop breasts and real curves. She's got that layer of extra fat that girls are supposed to get when they are developing. You know - the one that is the result of millions of years of evolution.

Fat.

Bullshit.

I still don't know what I'm going to do.

The Final Break?

Friday 11:32am. Got a call from Mrs_C while I was at work. She's on about something or other relationship related. I can't even remember...

Right - she phoned to tell me that our daughter said to her "I'm never getting married. If two people who love each other can't get along - what's the point?"

I tell her not to call me at work for these kinds of conversations. After a couple of stops and starts I say good-bye abruptly and hang up.

3:45pm she calls me for another conversation. I'm covering front desk because the lady who works it had to go to the doctor. I refuse to talk at that point. I call her back at 4:30pm. She gives me some kind of "if you love me" shit. I talk for awhile. I'm increasingly hostile and terse (but still controlled) in the conversation.

She's handing her usual load of shit.

I tell her the reason it doesn't look like I'm coming back is because I'm not. That I refuse to explain one more time what the problem is so she can try to pick holes and wheedle around my statements. That her conduct all through the period of time I tried to make it work has reinforced my opinion she won't change her ways.

I end the call at five to leave to pick up my kids.

Once again Mrs_C has manufactured a crisis (to use my boss's words again).

She knew I was coming to pick up the kids and she'd be alone for a week.

She knew that I was going to my parents place for a slightly belated birthday party they were holding for me.

She knows I hate to get into wrangles before public events and to not have the kids all ruffled up.

But this time I didn't give a shit. I was getting the kids, I was facing her down, I was leaving for my party. 25 invited guests plus family would be waiting. She kept hammering me with "Just explain it. Tell me why. I deserve an explanation. One more time tell me what it is I did that is forcing you out the door."

I refused and said if she hadn't listened in the last year, how would it help now.

She hadn't gotten the kids ready to go like I had asked. I needed to just do a grab and run, but I suspect she had been working herself up instead of getting the kids ready. While the kids were getting their acts together she continued to hammer me verbally.

She said she had phoned our marriage counselor who had told her it looked like I had just been letting her down easy (when I pressed back she admitted she had said that, and the counselor had just agreed it was a possibility).

Did I mention this is yet again happening in the garage? I wonder why I don't actually hate that garage.

Her sister arrives and Mrs_C blurts out "[Sister], [cadbury's] just announced he doesn't want to stay and wants to make it final - get a divorce - end it all"

Sister starts in on trashing me and telling me what a bad decision I'm making and how it will ruin my children's lives and how she LOVES her children and that's why she's worked through her problems with her husband. That I obviously don't love my children, or how could I do this to them.

I politely but firmly point out to Mrs_C that it is awkward to be dragging sister into this conversation and putting her in the middle.

Sister says that she's been Mrs_C's confidante all the way through, so she knows all about it, and at least now she'll get to say a thing or two that's been on her mind. They're both yelling at me from either side.

I walk to the door to the house and call the kids to hurry up.

Mrs_C is saying how she's going to be getting an exchange student and housing her in my office to make extra money to make ends meet... I say that we will need to discuss it first - I don't want a stranger in the house with the kids. Sister says that I have no say because it's not my house anymore. I point out: 1) It is half my house and even if it weren't I'd have a say on who stayed in the house with my children. Sister starts yelling that I have no say. I say that the conversation is a two way conversation not a three way one. Sister says she'll say anything she pleases. I say that Mrs_C and sister can have the conversation about who will be in the house with my lawyer, and walk out of the garage to my vehicle.

I then walk out of where the two women are beaking at me

They go inside the house.

I return and ask Mrs_C to come outside for 30 seconds.

I tell her that I have no desire to have a lawyer involved in any of this for more than they absolutely have to be. That spitting thousands of dollars out the door to lawyers serves neither of us.

She agrees, the kids are ready, I leave.

I agreed to discuss logistics on Saturday.

I arrive late for my own birthday party. No-one asks where I was or why I was late. They all have a pretty good idea.

The party was a good one. Much food, much laughter.

I left for home with the kids, weighed down with much left-overs from my Mom.

I slept.

---

The kids have their own take on their Mother's behaviour and attitude. The differences in demeanor and environment are fairly stark between her and I. Between the two households.

Three Tag

I was tagged by Balloon Pirate. This is the very first time I've been tagged. I had to think about which blog I would put the tag onto...

The three thing:

1. Three things that scare me:

• My ex-wife
  
• The fundamentalist political right
  
• My children's ongoing safety (I fear for them all the time)

2. Three people that make me laugh

• My son
  
• My daughter
  
• Certifiable Princess

3. Three things I hate the most

• Arguing
  
• Suffering (of others - any suffering I have ever had has been miniscule compared to what goes on around us in the world)
  
• Greed/Self-centredness/Self-absorption

4. Three things I don't understand

• How God (if there is one...) can allow suffering (you know starvation, war, pestilence, violence - all those ugly things)
  
• How humans can allow suffering
  
• The tax system

5. Three things I'm doing right now

• Writing a computer script
  
• Doing layout for a magazine/newsletter (it's a newsletter that is about 48 pages long and looks like a magazine...)
  
• Monitoring my servers for internet based denial of service attacks and spammers (we've been having problems with both lately)

6. Three things I want to do before I die

• Get shot into space
  
• Travel most of the world by ocean
  
• Travel most of the world

7. Three things I can do

• Make a speech anywhere, anytime (zero prep), on pretty much any subject (except sports) in front of any size crowd (a minor exaggeration on the true breadth of the available subject material in my head, but I'd give it a go anyway)
  
• Remain calm in the face of almost anything (except a discussion about the state of my marriage with my wife [now ex-wife])
  
• Operate a grain cleaner

8. Three ways to describe my personality

• Calm
  
• Nice
  
• Polite
  (not neccesarily in that order)

9. Three things I can't do

• Play a musical instrument
  
• Fly an airplane
  
• Speak French very well...

10. Three things I think you should listen to

• Moby: Hotel
  
• Madame Butterfly
  
• Silence - well, not really silence. the absence of the presence of aggregated humanity. like going up north canoeing and sitting on a rock for awhile.

11. Three things you should never listen to

• My ex-wife (are you seeing a few moments of bitterness here?)
  
• Most top 40 - including most top 40 country
  
• Religious zealots

12. Three things I'd like to learn

• To play a musical instrument (or more than one)
  
• More languages
  
• To sail or pilot an ocean going vessel

13. Three favourite foods

• Indian
  
• Vietnamese
  
• Malasian
  (hah - try to pin me down)

14. Three beverages I drink regularly

• Water
  
• Coffee (450 ml cup every morning)
  
• Water

15. Three shows I watched as a kid

• Star Trek
  
• Partridge family
  
• Man From Uncle

16...Three people I'm tagging

• Uh - stay tuned - i'l email you with a tag

Wow. She's nuts. So am I

No. Nothing bad. Not really anyway (an update at the end of this post).

I had re-read all the comments on the blog last week. I had read snippets of what I wrote. Today I read the whole thing from start to finish - all of my posts.

Holy shit

What a fucking nightmare!

I didn't even remember some of that stuff.

I'm mind boggled. Holy shit. Stunned.

I going to copy and format it into a small bound publication for myself. I intend to put it into the drawer on my bedside table.

---

Yesterday I went to the house to write out some post-dated cheques for the kids ethnic dance stuff. While I was there Mrs_C opened a conversation about the kids. And then school. And how she was relating to them. And how she had realised something about herself. And her need to re-engage our son who is so angry with her. And something she'd read in one of her Dr. Phil books. And how that reflected on our relationship. That she realised that she wanted me to re-affirm every day that I loved her totally. And that she would test me every day on how much I loved her. And get angry at me when I didn't meet her mark. And how that was wrong. And how she was changing and going to change and how I should come home.

Yep. It took less than 5 minutes while I was writing out the cheques.

Mrs_C tried to get me to re-commit to the "make it work" scenario. The "committed to making it work" scenario. I refused.

I told her that her actions spoke louder than words. That she hadn't changed. She said "How should I change? All you have to do is tell me."

I informed her that I had told her last fall (2005). Just leave me be. Don't analyse. Don't play psychiatrist. Don't talk about the relationship. Just live and be happy. Don't pressure me to make you feel special and that she is the one and only every moment of my existence. I told her that when I first agreed to stay fall 2005. Even when she was silent there was an undertone to her language and posture.

She's never actually left things to heal. Always picking at the wound.

I told her that even today she couldn't help herself and was on it like a dirty shirt in 5 minutes. And that she was keeping me from both eating and my exercise because she just couldn't help herself. And that I can't live with her.

She kept trying to engage me by bringing up yet another way of approaching the same old topic.

My son got a wasp bite in the afternoon. His arm was swollen from what the doctor thought was an infection. She had a prescription. I kept telling her that instead of talking about our relationship and re-hashing old ground she should go get the prescription. She kept on with the relationship talk. For a total of 20 minutes while our son had a swollen arm.

I got angry and I told her to stop it. To just drop it and be responsible as a parent. That it was inappropriate to have any conversation like this while our son was in any danger. That I was going to go eat and work-out. And I left.

---

She called me in tears at 10:45 at night as I was cleaning and preparing my lunch for the next day. She asked me if she could come over. If I would just hold her. That she had not place to turn emotionally. I snarled in my reponses at first (yes - at first). Quickly she broke me down. Tears do that to me.

I agreed she could come over with two provisos: 1) no sex or asking for sex (she's tried a bunch of times) 2) maximum 15 minutes.

I talked for 10 minutes and then told her I needed to finish my stuff. She could stay and stand in the kitchen until I was done. She blathered on with high pressure stuff about how bad the kids wanted us to get back together. Anecdote here and anecdote there. Part of the problem was that my kids had already briefed me on lots of these conversations and their version was different. My son has warned me all along about how he overhears (listens in on) his Mother's versions of conversations he has with her and how they bear no resemblance to what he said.

She didn't push me directly like earlier.

I finished my stuff and asked her to leave. She did.

---

Today I thought about the idea of going back and the illness it brought to me. The vomit feeling in my guts.

That's part of the reason I went back to what I had posted - to read the stuff I wrote describing the environment in our home before I left.

I thought about Mrs_C's whining and prying and levering on the issue of the effect of the break-up on the children.

And it brought this comment to mind:

"Your children, no matter how you've tried to veil the truth from them, realize the hard truth about your relationship. They're taking in every word, look, and move. They're learning how adults interact with each other in intimate relationships.

Like it or not, they're learning how to be like you and your wife. This will continue unless you show the strength I know you have, make a stand, and set healthy boundaries"

"Remember, I work with kids whose parents mimic more than a handful of your wife's behaviors. I see the scars each and every year in a new group of kids. Sure, television, music, movies, and gossip rags CAN contribute to the creation of personalities, fighting styles, and various other behaviors.

However, after working with the population I do for many years, I can tell you with great certainty that parents and homelife are the true deciding factors."

One Year

One year ago on August 28th I told Mrs_C that I had been looking for an apartment. 6 days after telling her we should separate.

One year ago I said "I've had enough".

One year ago I agreed to see if we could make it work.

One year ago Mrs_C had just come back from a walk with her Mother and Sister and they were all looking daggers at me.

---

The rage I feel is immense.

I contain it.

There is no good found in rage.

Channel it.

8 miles. 3 times a week. 8 miles. Full ramp height.

Turn my rage - my anger - and my fear - into will. The will to transform my body. Transform my body that fought against me with excrutiating convulsive muscle spasms for years. Master my body. Become at one - at peace with it.

Channel the rage.

---

While they were away on holidays Mrs_C told my children (they told me) that I had a pile of money stashed somewhere in preparation to leave her. That she would have to sell the house, and I had money stashed somewhere. They would lose their rooms - including daughter's just redone room (I knew there was an agenda behind that piece of renovation - but she got me on this one - I thought it was just a straight "look what a nice thing I did for you". but Mrs_C is more sly than that simple bit of bribery). They would lose their rooms - and I had money stashed somewhere.

That I have a girlfriend. A girlfriend that I have made plans with. That I will move in with in the spring. That Mrs_C would have to sell the house, and they would lose their rooms and their tree fort (that I built for them) so that I could move in with my girlfriend that I am having an affair with. That all the things I said about her were lies made up to hurt her and obscure the truth of my plans with my girlfriend.

My children defended me.

I am going to use a term I don't use very often. I don't think I have written it much (if ever) in this blog, and I have used it verbally maybe half a dozen times in the last 18 years.

Bitch.

Fucking bitch.

Fucking bitch says that to my children and then has the temerity to tell me she loves me and wants to get back together. That she wants me. Desires me. That I am the only man she wants to be with.

---

My children have asked me to not tell their mother that they tell me things that she says. I slipped once and it bit my daughter - put her in a very awkward spot. I won't slip again.

Mrs_C said some of those things above to me - but not quite that directly. I subsequently got the report from my kids. I used and opportunity to challenge her on it a couple of days later - saying she'd said those things to me. She said "Oh. I was angry. I didn't really mean it." You know - like she didn't mean it all those times she threatened me with her leaving me. With her taking my house and my children - because she was the woman and she had a good wage and I had nothing. When I didn't know our laws and judicial guidelines and their protections on a non-gender basis.

---

One year later I drank icced cappucinos at an outdoor cafe with my co-worker, then went out for Thai food with him and my friends at another wonderful outdoor restaurant. Neither restaurant I could ever even get Mrs_C into.

One of my friends asked me "So, are you happy?"

I nodded emphatically (i had a mouthful of food). The other friend said "Look - it's a [cadbury] bobble head!" Much laughter. I guess you had to be there...

---

One year ago I was alone in my own home.

As Mrs_C predicted, one year later I am alone in my apartment.

One year later I have hope.

My children will be coming to stay with me next week for a full week.

One year later - I will sleep well tonight.

One year later - I look forward to a new day.

I Think She Finally Gets It (or, alternate title: this could get icky...)

Excerpt from telephone conversation with Mrs_C:

Mrs_C: [Son] told me you were going in to work this afternoon. I thought when you said you called in sick these two days you wanted to spend time with me.

C: No - we stayed up too late the first night discussing logistics of the split for me to want to go to work.

Mrs_C: But you spent all day yesterday with me.

C: We were discussing the minutiae of separation and what led us in our relationship to the point we we would need to split.

Mrs_C: But you came over to watch the movie last night.

C: I told you that I wanted to spend time with the kids, and I don't have a DVD player yet.

Mrs_C: But you brought treats and brought a special one for me.

C: I brought soft drinks and popcorn. You can't eat popcorn, so I brought you rice cakes. This would be interpreted, how?

Excerpt 2:

Mrs_C: I thought you were playing a game with me. That you moved out to make a point.

C: And in the last 18 years, when have I ever played even one game? When have I ever relied on anything but straight words to communicate any idea? So if past behaviour is the most likely predictor of future or present behaviour, then the likelihood I'm currently playing a game is?

Mrs_C: And I wasn't listening...

Excerpt 3:

Mrs_C: You've been stringing me along for the last year.

C: Uh, excuse me. I've been rather direct on each and every occasion. You were the one that consistently asked me to stay and work at it longer. And I agreed. That hardly constitutes stringing. At each point when you have forced an assessment, mine has been the same - it isn't working.

Mrs_C: Yeah... I guess you did say it straight every time, but I would try to convince you to stay or play some game on you. I guess I always knew, and that's why I went a little nuttier - a little more over the edge every time. But I have tried to change. I have. You've noticed it.

C: Your behaviour never changed until your personal well being was sufficiently threatened. You didn't really change until after I moved out. If I was going to come back it would be forever. And you know that. And the liklihood of the change sticking would be - what?

Cadbury and Cadbury's boss/friend:

C: She always does this. She knew I was going to work this afternoon. She knew I would be heading out the door at about 12:45 and she calls and does some kind of spazzy thing.

C's Boss: It's called manufacturing a crisis. They don't even know they're doing it. It's all about self-centredness. It's a behaviour that's well documented in alcoholics, adult children of alcoholics, and people who have suffered in disfunctional families like family violence [info: boss's father was a violent alcoholic]. She knew you were leaving for work, so this way she could be more important than you going to work.

C: [silence] I'm just reeling here [pause] no - really - I'm bowled over - that makes so much sense. Everything is sliding into place on that one - it's like a Rubik's cube - all the colours on one side have suddenly lined up

[other conversation about personality disfunction and alcoholism and such]

C's Boss: No, [cadbury], you are doing the right thing here... Stick with your course.

---

Read my post on healthy breakfasts on the other blog

The Menu

Yes, I know it's not plated in the most spectacular way, but I was in a hurry and I had to make it able to be stakced in a normal domestic fridge.

	|
Smoked Turkey (yes - I know the contrast on this pic makes it look horrifying)	|	Zero Fat Homemade Split Pea and Vegetable Soup

	|
Salad (garden: tomatoes, green onions, and parsley; store lettuce)	|	Cucumber, Bean Sprouts, and Garden Tomato plate

	|
Brown Rice	|	Canteloupe

	|
Carrots (we had some in the garden, but I didn't feel like washing and scrubbing that day)	|	Meatballs (in case my daughter wanted some... she loves meatballs)

And the coffee maker...

It made my day to hear that they had sort of stumbled in through the door, and Daughter opened the fridge and yelled out in a most excited voice "MOM! WE HAVE FOOD!!!"

They got back into town earlier than I expected, so when I went to drop daughter renewed library books off, they were home. I stayed to eat with them and listen to their stories.

It turns out Mrs_C did have a small can of really crappy coffee stashed in a cupboard. Her Mother hates the premium stuff I/we buy and brought a can of crap once.

More commentary on their vacation tomorrow.

[Later Edit]
Yes, I know I'm wallowing in this. But it was such a resounding success that I had to share it. They hadn't eaten since 2pm and they arrived home around 9pm. The kids ate huge amounts - every last bean sprout. And they all enjoyed it becuase they had been eating heavy Greek food and road food for the previous 10 days.

I'm just really delighted when ideas work well. I anticpated a need and a scenario and was exactly correct in my delivery. "Getting it right" makes me so happy.

Patience and Prey

Somewhere in North America today there is a right-wing fink looking for a job.

They are looking for a job because I spent almost 2 years waiting for them to make a miss-step. I have been baiting my prey for just about 2 years. Patiently. Never exposing myself. Never letting on they were being lured.

Where I live we have programs that feed children who don't have enough to eat. We feed them in the schools. It is our philosophy that the best way out of poverty and off of welfare is a job. You can only get a decent job with an education. Kids can't learn if they are hungry.

Therefore the first step to beating poverty is to feed children and break the cycle.

This right-wing fink and the right-wing lobby group this person works for say that their tax dollars shouldn't go to feed kids whose parents should be feeding them, and that it's not their responsibility or fault that these kids are hungry. So the program should be cut and taxes reduced (we have almost the lowest personal taxes in our country).

In my world having the lowest child poverty rate in North America (preferably the world) is one of the highest goals to aspire toward.

This fink says that we should move away from our current health care system where the government pays for everything (well, we pay our own dental, and for the first $800 per year in medication [unless you are too poor to afford it (income sliding scale) - then the government will pick it up as well]) and move to a user pay system. This person says that we should start by removing the lower income top-ups so that everyone can be "equal" under the system. When asked about the kids that would hurt (for a measly $42 million a year) this person says - they have no responsibility that these kids' parents won't support their kids.

And the list goes on.

I caught the asshole - saying that schools should be allowed to racially segregate if they want to. That it is the school's choice - the parents choice.

Not religious school mandates (which we have), but racial.

I got him.

2 years waiting.

Fucker.

---

[note]

this post will probably disappear later because it reveals a fair bit about what I do

you can understand that is potentially sensitive.

Preparing For Their Arrival

They're coming home today. The kids. Mrs_C.

It's an 8.5 hour trip if only one stop long enough to get gas. With meal stops and bathroom breaks - longer. It took them 10-11 hours to go there from leaving to arrival.

I may puke. I'm at work and I'm thinking I may leave early.

They're coming home. I want to see the kids, but I dread dealing with Mrs_C. My mind is made up, but I have such dread and fear around the subject of being harshly direct (not rude, though) about there being no chance in hell we will ever live together again.

I've been sloughing and avoiding the pain. For years really. The confrontation. Confrontation? I dunno. The wail of anguish. The tears. What will the kids say? Specifically daughter.

I know I'm justified, but I can't stand the pain I know I will cause.

---

There's almost no food in the fridge over at the house. I threw out much of what was left in the fridge after they left for holidays. Not that there was a huge amount in it anyway. It smells a little bad. I was going to clean it yesterday, but that's not my fridge anymore.

I bought food for them. I know that she won't make much of anything when she gets back. She'll be "too tired". I was the one who got everyone fed and watered after a trip. The kids will have to scrounge. They'll end up eating crackers or dry linguine (they're kids, what can i say...). Or maybe some of the buns that are left in the freezer from before I left. Or she'll pick one cucumber from the garden, or something.

As I wander around the house while they're gone - I feed and water the dog, walk the dog, I water all the plants indoor and out, I did my laundry (avoiding paying $1.25 per machine per load at the apartment) - as I wander, I notice all the elements of life there are gone. They were gone before they left too.

The house has turned much like Mrs_C's apartments before we were married.

Sterile.

They look like a furnished apartment or a hotel room that is waiting for someone to move in. All mess is confined to two areas - a table downstairs and their desks in their rooms.

I don't live there anymore.

---

I stayed up late last night cooking for their arrival home. They will be tired - they may or may not be hungry (kids are always hungry), but something is always needed on arrival home.

Both son and daughter phoned me on the weekend before they left (without knowledge of the other's call) to complain that there was no food. There was food - but we're talking kids here - scroungable food. I described some of that previously in: Monday, July 10, 2006 - Sunday Morning Coffee With Mrs_C

I tried to plan a menu that would be light enough after road food.

I've made a home made split pea-tomato-carrot soup, a bean sprout and cucumber wedges plate, salad, I rescued some frozen smoked turkey slices I had put in the freezer in late may (ziploc - their still good), and cut some canteloupe. There were some whole grain cibatti sour dough buns left in the freezer so I will have those available as well. I think I prepared something else, but I can't remember. I will plate it and put it under plastic wrap in the fridge after work.

---

I noticed she was out of coffee. Well, there's only one scoop left in the bag. I didn't buy any. Not buying her coffee mad me happy. Why? For an example read: This is getting beyond stupid posted Monday, May 15, 2006. The short version is that Mrs_C would go through an inordinate amount of premium coffee (at $15/lb) - wasting whole pots at a time - multiple times in a day. She has been known to go through a lb in 4 days on a long weekend - mostly through wasted pots. And then she would give me shit for 1) being "always out buying coffee" 2) spending too much money on coffee - saying she didn't need to have premium coffee - regular stuff was "good enough" 3) on having lousy coffee when I bought something other than the premium brand - and when I bought some regular stuff for her and my own bag of premium she would drink mine not hers - and when confronted not have a good answer.

I got quite a level of cruel satisfaction knowing that Mrs_C would be out of coffee on her first morning back after a 10 hour road trip. But she'll probabaly hop over to Shoppers Drug Mart and get some in the evening because she'll want some on arrival home.

But I can still bask in my small moment of evil-doing in not buying her any for her convenience. If I were truly cruel I would throw out her filters - but she'd use a napkin or something, and then I would have committed a sin of commission, not omission... (for all you fellow catholics out there). I told myself that I would never be actively mean to her, but that I would allow her to deal with her own, uh, ways - and not rescue her. Especially not pre-emptively rescue her. Like buying coffee because I know she's out.

That must sound soooooo petty.

But fuck it. If I won't be mean or retributive in a big way, I can still do it about some little things.

---

They're still coming home tonight.

Too Nice A Guy

I ran into some friends today. One of them was a woman whom I went out with years ago. The other was a woman that I tried to get to go out with me for about 6 years (I'm nothing if not tenacious...). I had actually introduced these two ladies and they became fast friends. We all had a relatively ribald and positive sexual tension laced co-relationship - we all had a sort of proprietary interest in the others and would provide colour commentary on each other's choices in partners and exploits. The woman I dated is designated K, and the woman who would not go out with me is designated B. I was also a convenient, um, uh, "friend" for K in the years after we broke up before getting married (in periods we were both without a "steady".

I had not seen them in years. They both moved out of town. I found out that B was working in town right now on a contract (she lives a couple of hours away normally. K is on the west coast. K had kept in contact with B and since they were in the same location they were out for coffee and some shopping. I was getting some keys made down at the mall.

When they inquired about Mrs_C and things I advised them we had split.

Wine and hot tubs are apprently too nice

B said "You were too nice to her weren't you?" I stood there with a dumbfounded look on my face. She continued "That's why I never went out with you, you know. I knew I would shred you up and destroy our friendship... And then you'd hate me."

I continued to stand there sort of working my jaw for a moment. It was suddenly a little awkward. I responded with humour "Well, you could have at least slept with me instead," I counterproposed.

B said "...and then we would have started dating and I would have gone bitch on you and you wouldn't have known what hit you, and you would have been standing there with that confused look on your face like you just had, and I would have felt like shit.

So I never dated you."

B has always been a little over the top.

Indoor swimming pools - waaaay too nice

I'm also caught right between the eyes. When I was single I had a number of women say they wouldn't go out with me because I was too nice. Not that I was arrogant. Not that I was sleazy, or promiscuous, or lazy, or boring, or ugly - but "too nice". What the fuck is that?

I'm stumbling. This is a little out of the blue for me.

K steps in and suggests we all go for coffee. So I go with them.

And not cozy bed and breakfasts - no, not that. you're too nice. why would i sleep with you dumb fuck?

The core of what I was told in that conversation is that according to them I need to be a bit more of a bastard. I need to be less accommodating and more demanding. I need to put the screws to the other person sometimes.

Apparently this is why Mrs_C didn't respect me. Because I always accommodated her whims. Made like a carpet and begged her to walk on me - and wipe her feet.

I always thought that doing nice things and taking people to nice places (like the one all these pictures are of [a real place I took us to]) was the way to win someone's heart and soul.

"I as a boy, I believed the saying the cure for pain was love".

I just don't get it. I really just don't get it.

I listened to my two friends and I thought about Mrs_C. I thought about when it was that she suddenly started to get sexually interested in me again - after I rejected her.

Don't even bother with special breakfasts!!! FOOL!!!

When did she get REALLY, um, uh, open to trying or, uh, experimenting a little? After I said I was out the door.

What the fuck is that?

She phones me and whines at me - even while she away on vacation here. I asked her "Why? Why did you do it? Why were you such a miserable fucking bag?" (yes - real words). She says "I guess I got to into the Mom role. I stopped thinking of you as a friend and as a person and only thought of you as a spouse - someone who was supposed to do all these things you could never possibly get done, or reasonably do. An then i just got mad about it. Instead of thinking about how it would make you feel."

What the fuck is with that? Huh! What the fuck is with that?

Yeah

Un-fucking-believable.

and then she still gets mad at me about the one time (months ago) I said "Well, I guess you should have thought of that before!" (I was telling her that I wanted to leave and that she shouldn't have been such an asshole to me)

so I ask her why she didn't think of it at the time. I ask how she expects me to believe that she won't revert. I ask her how I should get over being soooooo angry. I tell her that when I told her how hurt and how mad I was all she did was try to bully and pressure me into backing down.

---

She's coming back from vacation tomorrow. I've been thinking about her and my marriage a lot. She wants to go out "just the two of us" on Saturday. She says I can have "anything" I want. I said I didn't think it would work for me and we need to talk. I'm pretty sure she knows what's coming. I think that's why she was trying to dangle the sex carrot.

Running into my friends and their lecture just built up a fair head of steam in me. I'm really mad that the world doesn't work the way I think it should and the way I want it to work.

I want to be nice. I don't want to be a bastard. I want to be so nice it makes you hurl.

Not in a weak sense. I'm not weak, and I'm not wimpy. No-one has really ever accused me of being wimpy.

But where does this fucking "You're too nice" shit come into play?

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[post proof-read edit:]
sorry if this was a little incoherent and weird, but i'm rattled and emotional right now

Ironing

Yes, that's Ironing, not Irony.

Ironing, I hate ironing. I used to not do it at all (read: when I was mostly single). I wore my clothes either hung up straight out of the dryer (and how often did that happen? hell, I was at the bar - not ironing) or rumpled.

* youthful cadbury may not be exactly as shown

I'm lying actually - because I wore suits to clubs a lot (it was the 80s after all) I ironed all the shirts I wore to go dancing (5 shirts a week or so...). I would have had them done by the dry cleaner, but I was a student and all and my dry cleaning bill on my suits was killer (I sweat a lot when engaged in strenuous activity).

When I was dating mrs_c I didn't do much ironing.

At first.

Then I got comments from mrs_c like "Yeah, it's funny, my Mom said 'I noticed that [cadbury] doesn't always iron his shirts'. I guess she doesn't understand the bachelor lifestyle.

[pause]

Why don't you iron your shirts? It's not like you don't have the time..."

That last reference about having the time was a not very subtle poke at the fact that I was unemployed at the time - well, I was working part-time by that point - but mrs_c called it unemployed.

Anyway, comments of this nature continued throughout our courtship. I eventually made sure that everything I wore around mrs_c and/or her family was ironed - including jeans and t-shirts.

After we were married I continued ironing. Mrs_C would also iron my stuff.

After we had children things changed only in that my participation in ironing decreased as my time on food/meals/dishes and child care increased.

Now I'm on my own.

I still don't like ironing.

Except now I actually like to have ironed clothes. Not so much because I give a shit about whether they are ironed or not, but because the vast majority of women that I have any interest in prefer a neatly pressed man.

* a dramatisation of a well pressed cadbury

(have I got pretty much only one thing on my mind? yes. but you already knew that didn't you...)

The juxtaposition of mrs_c and ironing associations and prepping myself for sex appeal through well ironed clothes is creating a somewhat itchy spot in my mind.

[later edit: I realised, as I proofread, that it's not true - I actually like to be neatly pressed now. I think. maybe. but chicks still dig ironed more than rumpled. in fact one of the young guys in my office never irons his shirts. I keep thinking "he should iron his shirt". but i'm not sure if it's conditioning or actual preference. he also doesn't have the hems on his pants done properly. I gave him the double sided interface tip...]

Toasted Ham And Cheese With A Side Of Computer Games, Hold The Exercise

A post that wanders...

When Mrs_C left for holidays she left a bunch of food in the fridge at the house. She asked me to clear it out. "Use whatever you can use, and throw out the rest" she said.

I went over to check the fridge and maintain the house and feed the dog and water the plants (I'm house sitting my own house). Threw a couple of spoiled items out - some had been there since I left in early July. Mrs_C was never good with the whole food management thing.

Daughter had made sandwiches for the trip before they left.

[tangent style="rant: bitter+1;"]
Mrs_C (without me) had been flummoxed on how to get them out the door for the trip on any kind of a timely basis (my daughter didn't actually use the word "flummoxed" when she called me - she said "Mom and Grandma don't have a clue how to get us out the door or plan a trip like you")

Anyway, Daughter thawed and opened a package of low fat ham I had bought and put in the freezer before I bolted my marriage. I had made sure the house was stocked with food before I split because I just knew Mrs_C wouldn't pay any attention to food [or rather - feeding the kids] - so I made sure there were enough supplies to get them through her period of trauma... it turns out that she still didn't pay any attention anyway (as detailed in Sunday Morning Coffee With Mrs_C [a rant])

Daughter used the stockpiled ham to make sandwiches because at the ripe old age of 10 she realised that if there was no food in the vehicle she and her dufus 14 year old brother (who still wasn't out of bed at 10:30am on the day they were supposed to leave) would be going hungry because Mom and Grandma wouldn't stop for food (they both do that meal skipping bullshit).
[/tangent]

So there was leftover ham. I couldn't bear to see it going to waste (I have a mega thing about wasting food). I also had some cheese in my fridge from when the kids were there that was going slightly moldy. I convinced myself that it wouldn't hurt me to break diet a couple of times to have a couple of hot toasted ham and cheese sandwiches.

whole wheat bread, sliced onion, spoonful of tomato and basil spaghetti sauce, ham, cheese - put in sandwich maker - works with pepperoni and salami too - sort of a pizza sandwich - poor man's calzone with bread - really fast - kids like it - me too

So I ate two sandwiches with not much cheese and some ham along with various piles of healthy food (see the other blog for more details on healthy food)

And on each of the two nights I did that, I felt vaguely sluglike afterward and didn't go exercise.

I also had spasms in my calves and convinced myslef that it would be just as well to not go so as to not exacerbate my tight calves. And I was tired. And I had food to make and ironing to do.

And what did I do, gentle readers? I stayed in the apartment and played computer games until about 2am.

My conclusion:

I need to stop eating ham and cheese sandwiches. Bite the bullet and throw out the remaining food that does not conform to my diet. I don't feel as active or spritely when weighed down with heavier food.

Also, I need to realise that I may be a little depressed - I don't think so - but I need to understand that I may have more reaction to all this than I want to admit to myself. I have issues with slacking and avoidance when under heavy stress (as detailed in Problems Completing Tasks).

I will be reviewing it with my counselor. I will not be accepting any medication from anyone. Good diet and exercise is probably the best prescription, I think.

Father-in-law Forgets Who My Daughter And Son Are (Literally)

I got a call from the kids yesterday. They are on vacation with their Mother in another city. They went with Mrs_C's Mother and Father.

[tangent]
Father-in-law has always been, uhhhhh, a little slower. Not stupid, per se, but slower. He's not a well educated man (grade 6), and he's 80 something, and he's worked either on the farm by himself or in manual labour jobs his whole life. English is also not his first language. He has also suffered from depression in his life. His manner of speaking is slow. He repeats himself a lot.

He's a decent enough man, even if he holds a number of racist and right-wing and conservative catholic religious views I do not agree with or care for. He is a product of his era and his life history. Because of this I do not hold much against him for his views, even while they grate many times. He is not an active hater, and while he regularly makes cracks and racist remarks about various visible minorities, he actually voted for the only black guy to ever run for public office in his area.
[/tangent]

Anyway, son and daughter tell me that on this trip Father-in-law has been forgetting their names and who they are. Repeatedly. He forgot who their father was and then couldn't remember my name when he did actually remember who they were a few minutes later.

Son and daughter and I just got back from my Uncle and Aunt's 50th wedding anniversary. My Aunt has Alzheimer's. She is functional but doesn't remember anything except who her husband is. This was identified some years ago. My children have witnessed her deterioration in visits my Dad has had with his brother (Uncle) and with this Aunt. They have been gracious and kind in dealing with her. I have been proud of their patience. She was recently put into a "home".

The kids have seen and dealt with the outward symptoms of Alzheimer's for some years.

In the last two days they have witnessed tremendous and abnormal forgetfulness on the part of their Grandfather. They told their Mother and their grandmother.

Mrs_C and Grandmother (and Mrs_c's sister that lives in the same city as us) have in the past resentfully rejected any of the suggestions that either the kids or I have offered over the last few years that there is something more to Father-in-law's ways.

Now it has smacked them in the face. They both saw it happening on this trip. There are no signs of anything like a stroke (according to the kids when I quizzed them about the situation over the phone) - it's just the same memory and personality issues exacerbated many times over.

The kids are handling it with humour and aplomb.

Their Mother and Grandmother less so. Both kids are concerned that they will feel the brunt of the emotion about it. They report that their mother has already said (they were listening in through an open window while the other two talked outside) "And isn't it great that this happens at the same as [cadbury] leaves me."

I told the kids to call me any time.

I'm not there, and I have a great desire to limit my contact with Mrs_C, so I have no intention of intervening. I have concerns about the old man's welfare under the less than informed and highly emotional and erratic guidance and decision making of the people around him. But he's not my Father and they have all rejected me pretty hard since things have occurred with Mrs_C and I.

Father-in-law actually suggested that I would have to "Answer to God" for my actions surrounding the separation with Mrs_C - and not "answer to God" in anything other than the eternal damnation scenario.

I think that unless my kids ask me to do something I am going to resist my natural do-gooder tendencies and stay out of the situation. It is also the sort of thing that Mrs_C would absolutely use to try to guilt me into staying tied to her.

I'm saddened.

Problems Completing Tasks

I've always had a problem getting things done when I'm under stress or overwhelmed. The critical tasks all get done. Deadlines that need to get met are met, but other things will begin to fall off the table. Even things that are important in the medium to long term.

Take billing/invoicing for example. I just need to do some hours totals and put together the invoices, but it seems completely overwhelming so I put it off. I can't seem to muster the focus.

And it's not like I don't need the money. But it won't kill me today, and it won't kill me tomorrow, or even this month. So I end up sluffing it. Too many things on the plate. Too much running through my mind.

I prefer one or two items that I can focus in on and take apart and reassemble.

Too much stuff all at once rattles me. That, in fact, is usually the source of any times I blow up at my kids. When they ask me to do too many things all at once and there is no way I can meet all the demands I lose it and get angry.

I imagine that part of it is just learning to say no. Learning to refuse more than I can actually handle.

Life On A Day To Day Basis

I've spent so much time obsessing about the state of my marriage that I don't completely know how to write in this blog about anything else. I think I will decide on a series of topics and work from there.

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The ongoing life narrative:

I received an email from the teacher lady I went out with. She was in a 5 year relationship before going out with me. She had decided to start dating again, but for whatever unexplained reasons decided to revisit that relationship again. She described it as her "stubborn" "make it work" side.

Oh well. I wish her well. She's a very nice lady whom I very much enjoyed my evening with.

I'm getting set up by a number of people who know me. They have friends who are single and many people who know me don't want me to return to Mrs_C. Especially to 50something ladies in my office and building. So they are looking around.

So, I went on another date. Nice lady, but terrible mismatch. She's a correctional facilities worker/staff instructor. I was talking to her before we went for coffee - I made a reference to nerdy friends (as a computer guy I have a few...) who spoke Klingon - she didn't even know what Klingon is.

We still ended up going for coffee. She's nice enough, but we have almost nothing in common.

---

I'm still trying to get my apartment organised. Now that the kids are gone with their Mom I expect to have a little more time to work on it in the next week. I've made a little headway.

Went to my Uncle and Aunt's 50th Anniversary this last weekend. Saw cousins that I haven't seen in decades. That was OK. My kids went with me. My daughter tried to balk a bit about going, but Mrs_C forced the issue with her. I was prepared to let it go and allow daughter to stay, but Mrs_C forced it - much to her credit.

Mrs_C said "There were lots of times when I was a kid that I didn't want to go to some family event, or some place and was even mad about it at the time - because I wanted to stay home and have fun. But now as an adult, I am so very glad I had the opportunity to meet those relatives and be in that place."

Kudos to Mrs_C.

Daughter ended up having fun. Daughter would have had less fun if she'd stayed. She wanted to stay because one of her cousins had his girlfriend arriving for a visit from overseas and she wanted to see her. This poor lady was so jetlagged and tired (about 2.5 days with no sleep) when she arrived that she was not interested in anything - certainly not a 10 year old girl...

You see, daughter wants to spend any time she can with women in their late teens early 20s that are "hot" and "cool" - like her cousins and this girlfriend.

More later - work beckons.