Dad's burial site... a road trip story

I had planned on only taking the first week of July off from work. The rest I would take later. When my Dad found out I was off of work his calls became incessant. He was seriously disrupting my personal time, and my time with Smitten.

I could have just turned off my cell phone. But I don't want to. I want to be accessible to those who need to reach me - my children, my workplace, my business partners, and - my Dad (parents). Dad just has a problem with boundaries.

Just like I refuse to give up my email address that I have had since the early '90s (because of spam - approx 700 per day]), I refuse to turn off my cell phone to avoid Dad's calls.

There must be another solution (with spam filters I receive only about 30 of those 700). Turning off the cell phone would only address a symptom, and would also impact me and my own desire for how my life should be structured. I want my cell phone on because there are people who need to reach me. I want the freedom of not being chained to desk, and I want the freedom of not having to arrange excruciatingly detailed backup for my presence/absence. But I want those around me to self-regulate. The cell phone is for my convenience, not theirs - not his.

Anyway, I told Dad that I was going to take some time off in the second week of July and we would go do something together. I figured if I could take son or daughter days, I could take a Dad day and do something just with him. He had asked about doing some traveling around our area earlier in the year.

He had specifically raised the idea of going to the area where his family homesteaded. He had found a place that he found very peaceful - and abandoned church site that has a graveyard that is still used. He was thinking about being buried there. I knew that was why he wanted to go there with me. My Mom told him that he was nuts to want to be buried there and he wanted some validation and he wanted share the place.

These are cell phone pictures from that trip. The fields we are beside are seeded in canola (yellow flower). These pictures were taken about a mile down from the place where Dad wants to be buried. You can see (sort of) the lake at the horizon of the first picture.




It's beautiful country. While I bemoan the wasteland sometimes, other times the hugeness and the emptiness of it all is breathtaking. When you look at the pictures, realise how small a piece of the view that is. Imagine the flatness and the emptiness in every direction. Just open space. The second picture is me just turning left from where the first picture was taken.

A lot of air. A lot of space to breathe.

Off at the end of the road in the picture, there is a dark spot on the left. That is the trees and the hill that the abandoned church and graveyard are on.

Dad took me to a swack of places - I should have taken more pictures, but I didn't think of it until the moment I took those pictures. As usual I took pictures of the places, and not the people. I didn't take a picture of my dad on that day even though he could die at any time - that being part of the reason we went on the trip. With these ischemic episodes he's been having he is feeling quite mortal.

I took pictures of the places because it was the moment that will be frozen in time - not the people. They live and their presence is in my memory. I need to change that - i need to capture the people. Because it's the people that are important. But for whatever reason I capture the experience and the moment by my surroundings and not by the people.

I saw a lot of places that I had heard Dad talk about, but i had not seen in person. Hilltop shrines, cathedrals hand painted by war refugees, places where people had been born, and people had died. A bowl that was hand carved in 1875 by my great-great-grandfather (it was a wedding present - currently in a museum). I saw the places they went to fight the good fight. The miles and miles my Grandfather walked during the depression as he fought for a better world - to change our society into one that served the needs of people, not profit. The places that had voted with us. The places that had voted against us. The places where the people had reached for their last few cents in the depression to support the cause because they shared the dream. The places where our people were beaten by gangs of thugs wielding axe handles. The resistance to change and the better world was strong. Those who felt they stood to lose were ruthless.

Many places that no longer exist, or are just a collection of a few falling down buildings. They exist in memories of people like my father.

Where my Dad worked and lived as he grew. The places he, like his father, organized on behalf of the movement. The places he worked to try to build that same better world.

I saw a lot of train tracks. The trains was his lifeblood - his point of mobility. Just like I effortlessly travel the world on my computer and my networks - he traveled our area, catching overnight trains to reach his destinations. He was a young man on the move with a lot of vigour and passion.

The places where my father and uncles were born. Where my one uncle died long before I was born. The cathedral they tried to find solace in after his death at age 15. A cathedral hand painted by a war refugee, built by people who had fled the privation and violence that was endemic in many parts of Europe ant the end of the last century.

The places my grandmother stood and defended the idea of the common wealth, and defended her children from those who attacked them because their parents were demanding social change. Things like medical care for all regardless of ability to pay, free education, good roads, decent wages, and safety and protection in their workplace.

My father was sharing some of his life with me so that I would know too. So that it would be more than just words. It would be places and visions. So that it wouldn't be lost. With only that endless sky as witness.

...a road trip story.

why this blog is self-absorbed (RANT/BLAST)

to the person who reads this blog who thinks i should be more balanced:

the blog is about me

it is the place i go to explore my personal feelings. my feelings about my life. it is not the place i go to be balanced about things, or about my stbx.

it is the place where i reflect on what goes on in my head and how i feel - however unhinged or self-centred that may be.

no, person, i do not think i am so great. while i try to be good, and try to be decent...

i am well acquainted with my shortcomings as a human being. also, any that i am/was not aware of intrinsically were pointed out to me in detail over a long period of time. this blog and discussing my feelings openly and frankly is part of how i am changing myself - to get past my shortcomings

and part of how i will decide if any of those shortcomings are just character traits that aren't going away and that i choose not to change and anyone who wants to be around me is just going to have to learn to live with or they can kiss my ass - they can leave

i am approaching my life rebuilding with a methodology that i believe is sound. with a methodology that has been reviewed by 3 professional counselors (2 psychologists, and 1 social worker), and 2 doctors - and that is being reviewed with one of those counselors on an ongoing basis and with my doctor as needed.

all 5 of these people think i'm a little aberrant with their usual practice because i actually developed a change plan. a written analysis and plan (part of which is based on some of my blog entries) - they all said they thought that the plan and analysis was sound - just they'd never seen anyone be that methodical before - and that it was little strange.

part of the plan involves constantly examining how i feel - to understand the tones/flavours and nuances of my emotional responses in order to work with how i really feel instead of being in a state of denial or repression.

i am well aware that it takes 2 to make or break a marriage, but i disagree that both partners are always equally responsible for what takes place in it. to cite an instance we all know in the blogging world - is the Certifiable Princess (CP) equally responsible for the beatings and shit she took in her relationship with Tony? is she equally responsible for the break-up of that relationship? scroll down on this linked archive page until you reach Tuesday, March 21, 2006 The saga begins: A Four Part Story.. re-read that multi-part post - person with the comments.

and, opinion person, read CP's comment again:

"I want you to go to MY four part story and read it. Read it twice. Read it until you understand that the abuse that your wife is perpetrating upon you is NO DIFFERENT than the beatings, the bloody beatings that were inflicted upon me. I nearly vomited reading part three of your story, because it was the same vicious cycle of violence that I have experienced with my ex..."

Kristin wrote:

"For quite a few years I have worked professionally with women suffering abuse. Reading your blog has been almost as seeing their stories repeated ... with one notable exception: You have switched around the parts."

Cadbury wrote:

"Over the years she has pulled out every bit of my emotional being - like pulling a mussel out of its shell - and exposed it to air. And minced it. And then shoved it back in, or let me gather up the bits and try to recover.

Sort of like when you hear about the rapist demanding their victim pick up the clothes scattered around and put their clothes back on "Why are you naked? Get dressed!!!"

This conversation, on top of all of the rest over the last year or two, had left me with nothing left to be extracted for torture."

as for whether i should be saying anything good about stbx-Mrs_C - i do - sometimes. and to suggest that i am somehow insinuating that she did nothing right through our marriage is wrong. she just made most days misery, and on many that she didn't make miserable i was still hurting from the last time she shredded me.

so most of the time i don't feel very well disposed toward her and don't think that i need to or have to portray her in a positive light. why? because i don't feel like it. i'm really mad at her, and i'm really hurt, and to be honest i don't give shit if you think i should be nicer to her here on my pseudonymous blog.

so, person with the opinion, if you are looking for balance, go somewhere else - maybe FOX news or something. i'm not making you come back and read this blog.

as for me, i am going to continue to explore my life and its recasting.

to quote someone i know in the blogging world:

"It's for my benefit, not anyone elses. If you don't like what you're reading, then perhaps you are in the wrong place! "

irritation

my kids came back from their vacation time with their mother. i got to spend some time with them yesterday. went for brunch, got the boy a haircut, bought a few clothes they need, bought myself a few clothes.

a couple of things stand out at this point:

we were yakking about stuff, they were telling me about their trip and what they liked and what bugged them.

they were talking about how their mom and boyfriend bob interrelated during the trip. i just let them yak - both out of curiousity and to just them a chance to debrief. a couple of times i steered them away from some mom bashing they were doing (no really, i did). i reminded them that they did not need to bash their mom or bob to make me happy and that it was just fine by me if they liked bob or got along with him, and that i hoped that they would love their mother - and that everyone has their faults and their positives - "Even me" i said (humourous tone). i tell them that it i don't think i serves any purpose to have a bunch of back and forth between their mom and i.

they tell me that they were pleased to be out of the house because their Mom had gotten all "emo" and weepy the night before (after they had gotten back) and started looking at pictures in albums of the family when we were together and talking about how wonderful it was. i'm told she does this pretty regularly. she started the morning doing the same thing. she started talking about how i had destroyed our lives together and destroyed our family.

i told them that it is appropriate for a person to mourn and to be angry about that kind of personal loss. I told them that that how much each of us is to blame is irrelevant at this point. that even if i was totally to blame, that there is no going back now and we have to make the best lives for the future that we can.

we yak some more

while talking son says that he thinks his mom thinks he's going to grow up to be fat lazy and ugly. i'm going "Huh? explain this". son tells me that his mother told him "[Son], I want you to know - no mater if you get fat, or you don't have many friends or anything - or if other people say you're ugly or fat - I'll still love you. I'll always be there for you."

Son says that he doesn't think he's fat (he has a bit of a belly on him - not much - maybe 10-15 lbs [he's 15, approx 5ft 8in, and weighs about 190 - he's like me in build - ultra solid build - really huge legs - his shoulders are wider than mine])

i say "Well your Mom has her own standards for things. Standards others could never quite meet."

my daughter laughs and says "You know what's funny. Both you and Mom say exactly the same things about each other. Mom says: 'I could never live up to his high standards" and 'I could never do anything right'".

I responded "Those are my lines. Your Mom doesn't get to steal them. No, she doesn't get to steal them."

"Think back to when she started saying that, and you'll realise that I have been saying the same thing for several years. But that's what your Mom does. Any time I have ever accused her of something, or have actually given her shit about something, it came back to me shortly after."

----

Yep, now she's using my lines...

Goddamn

that bugs me.

at least she could get her own complaints - or stick to her own complaints.

do you think i'm too available?

Smitten asked me that question.

She said "Considering you can have me pretty much any time you want me, do you think I'm too available? Will it get boring for you - does there need to be the 'thrill of the hunt'?"

I thought she was referring to my intermittent sexual dysfunction. To me not hopping after her every second of the day.

I was overwhelmed by emotions i don't have any name for.

I told her it was one of my strongest desires to be desired. To have someone who was truly attracted to me.

I rather haltingly told her that if she was to pull herself away, or make herself less available to make me "hunt" more, that it would destroy me. I told her that I didn't want that to be viewed as a *you must sleep with me or it will cause irreparable psychological damage* - i told her that she was free to say no for any reason - even whim - but that if she were to withdraw artificially - for the purposes of making me chase her more - i'd be crushed.

I was lying on her bed. She came and straddled on top of me. She saw that she had gone somewhere bad for me. She told me that she was asking because she was unsure of whether it was "proper" or the best thing to do - that she had never been as sexually attracted to someone like she is with me - and thought about whether her actions were crossing any boundaries they shouldn't. That she wasn't even considering it from the perspective of my feelings, just about her behaviour - sort of a "good girl/bad girl" thing.

I was relieved to hear what she said.

I was pretty highly emotional by that point. her question had come out of the blue for me, and had bypassed all sorts of filters and had hit a fear pretty deep inside me. having my leash jerked like that again would kill me.

I began to cry. I tried to stop but she whispered in my ear to let it out - to not control it. To allow the tears to heal - to release. i cried deeply and for some time

i knew i was angry. i knew i was affronted. i knew that i was traumatised.

i hadn't quite seen the deep hurt before.

it was someplace else than the other things i've talked about

i'm still not quite over that incident even though it's been almost 2 weeks.

house hunting and mortgages

i've been looking at houses

i keep wondering what's the point. without a settlement i can't do anything.

stbx-Mrs_C will be back this weekend sometime. we'll see what transpires.

i told the lawyer to get everything ready. i'm a little pissed because i have been phoning her (the lawyer) since last week with a question and she hasn't gotten back to me yet.

she's a junior lawyer in the firm i've used all my life, and the firm my parents have used since the '60s

i am a very good friend with the senior partner, but hesitate to complain quickly.

my dad is prepared to buy a house on my behalf and then rent it to me for a month or two until the settlement is done - then i would buy it from him

there is a house that would do me perfectly that is coming up for sale. i don't want to miss it.

it is in my price range (approx $135,000). it meets my specifications for number of bedrooms (3) and bathrooms (2). it is not far from Smitten and is a couple of blocks from one of daughter's better friends.

it has a decent yard, is in a reasonable neighbourhood, and has space for a garage. it is a small house (about 841 sq ft main floor) with a basement. it has room and a structure that is suitable for an addition if i wanted.

i don't want to make myself beholden to my Dad, and have been trying to explain my concerns about the transaction and the relationship he and i have. i'm just trying to face it straight on.

my Mom was going to participate in the transaction, but has decided it is too much for her to handle. she is also not quite as happy with the way i have been living and spending lately.

she figures that if i am poor enough to ask for help, i'm too poor to go on trips to the music festival and stay in the hotel we did and such. she is also concerned about my job prospects if things go bad during the final conflict.

i told her that i would keep my job (union) unless we were completely wiped off the map, but i guess the fact that i had such extensive plans for disaster said more to her than my assurances. at least that's how she presented it to my Dad.

she also is concerned my Dad could have a debilitating stoke or die between now and a settlement and doesn't want to do clean-up on matters. I told my Dad that the best solution would be a step by step set of understandings as to how it would be dealt with that would be prepared by his lawyer (the senior partner, not the one that doesn't call back...).

blah, blah, blah

i wish i had a house

i'm sick of living in the apartment. i'm sick of hanging in between. i'm sick of my credit card payments. i want them paid off.

i'm sick of stbx-Mrs_C still being able to jerk my leash with this last bit of shit to deal with.

I want to move on.

i want my own place.

Beach Trip

i don't want to work anymore

i don't want conflict as a way of life

for the first time, i don't want to go back to work

----

the first week off continued. Smitten and i decided to go to the beach. there is this beach outside the city - a small cottage community. not a resort community - a cottage community. it is up a hillside and has a small beach. it is about 10 miles from the big resort community outside our city.

i like the cottage place better.

1 store. that's it. fully treed in, little gravel roads, small lots, kind of crazy construction. no new lots allowed. no new construction areas.

the resort community is going full bore. it's a town - not a cottage place.

the resort community is kind of dun because of it's touristy nature, but like going to the fair/exhibition - only fun for a few hours at a time.

----


we went to the beach.

we laid in the sun.

we got tanned. dermatologists be damned. i have a vitamin D deficiency remember...

Smitten has seasonal affective disorder...

sunlight is good. it clears out a lot of cobwebs.

----

we went to the beach.

i was so at peace

i was so unstressed

i was so not worried about anyone or anything

i didn't have to worry about protecting myself or about possible sudden massive attack from out of nowhere

i just was

i was warm, and i was relaxed

pounds

i gained weight. i'm up to 224 lbs again, or maybe a couple less because of when i weighed myself, but that's still a minimum of 15 lbs up.

i'm pretty upset.

it hit home the worst when the other night i was hugging Smitten goodbye and she patted my abdomen and said "oh no, you've got the curse"

the curse that she is referring to is that all of the men she has been in relationships with have gained weight.

i was crushed. i was really hurt. i spoke to her about it the next day and told her how it made me feel. she apologised profusely and said that it was something that popped out, and she realised as she said it that it was probably not a good thing to have said.

i'm a little non-plussed. the reasons i am gaining weight:

1) skipping exercise - a) ditching it to spend time with Smitten; b) ditching it because of child obligations and helping son/daughter; c) i injured/strained my shoulder for about a month at a time twice in the last 5 months and was only going to exercise about half my normal occasions while i was in severe pain;

2) not eating as healthily (eg meals with Mom and Dad), not spending as much time as i should pre-preparing my low cal food (c.f. spending time with Smitten and kids), being more slack about what i am prepared to eat;

3) alcohol consumption

A couple of beer in a week: 300 calories; a couple of glasses of wine: 600 calories; a couples of brandies or scotches: 400 calories

3.5 oz of beef: 280; 1 lean pork/beef sausage: 220; 1 bun/slice of bread: 220; 1 oz skim mozzarella cheese: 72

adds up pretty easily. every skipped session of exercise is over 1000 calories not burned... and so on

"Once we know your metabolic rate we can calculate more accurately your daily calorie use.Knowing the daily use, simply subtract 400-500 calories per day in intake. After seven days, you've cut 3500 calories out of your diet. If there are 3500 calories per pound of fat, you've just lost almost a pound of fat. (Assuming you were exercising while dieting.)

A couple things on this, first it's important that you not cut your daily intake by more than 500 calories. Any drop below this will trigger your body to store more fat as a defense against starvation. I know, you're not really starving, but your body doesn't have a conscious mind that reasons that way" - personaltrainingfitness.com

that means that in the weeks that i only went to exercise once a week, i gained 1 lb over a two week period... it means that 4 drinks, and 2 sausages in buns later i'm at 2/3 of a lb... add being careless with a little salad dressing (even moderate ones at roughly 60 calories per Tbsp, or even 30 calories) - eating salad 2 meals a day add up to the rest of that lb in a week

i'm imposing some personal discipline on myself to make sure i exercise every session i should (3 times a week for 1.5-2 hours). if Smitten whines about the time i'm spending at exercise i will remind her about patting my abdomen. she can't have it both ways.

i understand that it is my choice, and has been my own choices that got me here, but i want to make the people in my life happy and a priority. sometimes that has meant putting myself on the back burner.

i need to make myself and my continuing transformation a high personal priority

----

i was a little freaked about the incident - it flagged one too many stbx-Mrs_C moments when she would criticise me about gaining weight, but would make it abundantly clear she wanted me to spend every waking moment with her.

Smitten doesn't get put out like the stbx, but still makes it clear she'd like me to be around as much as possible. i just need to establish a boundary.

----

i picked up that used exercise machine i wrote about a little while back.

even if it it is a home machine and isn't as sturdy as the one at the gym, and even if it doesn't have the "elevation/hill climbing" setting (makes it a lot like a stair climber), and even if it isn't quite the right width (or rather the one i'm used to), i think i can learn to use this machine OK.

i figure if i can use it at least 3 days a week of the remaining 4 days i'm not at the gym, and work off 100 to 200 calories per use (approx 100 calories per 10 minutes at my settings) i can make a significant impact on my weight.

my original idea was to use it for 30 minutes in the morning and at night, but i tried 20 minutes morning and 10 minutes night on Sunday and it hit me pretty hard. i was quite fatigued.

i think this new regime will have to be grown into...

oh, and the other part that irritates me?

gas

switching back hardcore to the fully fucking vegetable laden diet has really given me bad gas in the last week. i need to investigate beano or some such

some pics from music festival trip

I forgot my camera - they're cell phone pics...



Yes - that's Buddy Guy in the white pants and red shirt on the stage. Yes it is the same stage and festival as I went to with son - the festival lasts for over 2 weeks.



This is the hotel at night from across the street. We were sitting in this great sidewalk cafe listening to a fantastic acid jazz band (after a day of great live music), after a great Thai supper, drinking martinis (the modern kind - really just cocktails served in a martini glass) and enjoying the incredibly warm and insect free night. It was utterly fantastic. I have lived for and dreamed of such moments.

The thought of the evening brings tears to my eyes it was so perfect.



This is a picture of the crowd and the grounds.




This is the back of the hotel. The picture makes it look overcast, but it was perfect and hot. Perhaps a little too hot - but great to be in.

I shaved my head all the way down to the scalp (not even the usual stubble) for this weekend (and the whole vacation period) so that nothing would interfere with tanning my head properly.

Smitten loves it being warm, so she was in her glory.

long weekend

we started the vacation time with my friend's birthday party and with everybody's friend, hot tub sally. it was a great evening.

the next day we slept in, packed up, and left for another city for the music festival. i had booked the hotel as part of a special deal for ticket holders. the rooms we were in were normally over $300 a night, but i was paying $139. we were on their special "club floor" with the pass key to get to that floor and all. not as special as you might think. bath sheets instead of bath towels, and an extra basket of shit they try to sell you. free continental breakfast, and free hors d'ouvres - but an extra $150 a night? get real.

i inquired as to how we ended up on the club floor when other ticket holders didn't and the front desk told me that i/we probably met the demographic profile to make the special offer to. having been previous guests, age and occupation, and having left customer comments, and having participated in the guest post stay surveys would have all counted toward the special offer in the computer system - a "regular customer" who wouldn't likely disrupt the "club floor" and their exclusive guests... we did get the smallest room on the floor, but that was ok.

we were attending the music festival. it was in the back of the hotel - the hotel and its gardens are part of a larger park. on the Saturday we saw 5 bands including Buddy Guy (described below). It was a lot of fun. we ate the free food while the concert was on and then went out later - went to a really great asian restaurant i knew. i really love how Smitten likes the same kind of food i do. or rather, eats the same way i do. i still like beef and pig and things and she's not so swell there - i just don't eat it much anymore. we are equally wowed - she is amazed that there is a guy out there that would eat the way she does instead of solid pizza hut and steak (remember - her ex-husband wouldn't eat food that was mixed together - as in even a casserole - or mixed vegetables [when he would eat vegetables]). no really... lasagna was outside his desires.

on the sunday we watched another 6 bands for Canada Day and wandered about the park looking at the booths. i bought some interesting Sri Lankan batiks. i will post pictures once they are framed (or maybe sooner if it takes awhile). Smitten was broke, so I was covering most of the weekend - got her a belt and some funky earings. it was all quite reasonably priced (cheap).



we hit a fabulous Japanese restaurant that night. it was teppanyaki style so they came out and did all the chopping and cooking right in front of us - complete with flaming food and the whole bit. that was a lot of fun. it was my first time doing teppanyaki - Smitten had before. we were seated with some people we didn't know, but soon enough engaged in conversation. the lady was a professor who was moving from the atlantic coast to our region - a professor of art history.

it was a fun conversation. i was very pleased that Smitten was both completely up for engaging in conversation with strangers and enjoyed it during and after (yes - bitter historical reference(s)).

on the way back i stopped at a lake that has a particularly large marina with a lot of sailboats and we clambered about on the docks talking about sailing and such.

----

the thing that was/is interesting about these events is the absolute lack of tension involved.

i cannot underline too strongly the weird feeling i had through all of it that there was something missing and that it was pre-naturally calm - almost surreal.

it really was like a dream. you know when you have a happy dream - but something seems missing?

that was this whole weekend. the thing that was missing was the need for hyper-vigilance and the fear of making a mistake - oh, and the constant criticism and second guessing.

yeah - surreal.

tim horton's with daughter

this is more of a diary entry than anything.

daughter and son left with their mother on vacation the last weekend of June. on the friday night before heading to the hot tub party i picked up daughter from the house and we went out for a little bit together.

daughter had called me. she was feeling a bit stressed. she was mad at her mom because her mom was doing her usual pre-holiday freak-out. stbx-Mrs_C always has a major spaz before any special occasion. i guess it's her way of dealing with the stress - unleash on the others around you.

daughter was mad because she had been relegated to doing all the housework - and even though daughter was being paid for it ($20), and had accepted the task, she said she was always ending up doing the housework now. she said part of the reason she accepted the money is because she knew she'd just end up doing it anyway.

apparently she was also irritated with boyfriend bob who had made a side deal with daughter on the housework as well - $20 more than Mom was paying. she didn't communicate the details very well but apparently boyfriend bob had promised extra cash if stuff got done on a timely basis to "Take the stress off your Mom."

[heh] I don't think boyfriend bob realises the road he is starting to walk down. he is already beginning to compensate for stbx-Mrs_C's instability.

we saw stbx-Mrs_C in her car as we drove to Tim Horton's and i confirmed with daughter that she had in fact said where she was going. you see, it looked to me like son was in the car with stbx-Mrs_C.

it turns out they had left daughter by herself and daughter was unaware they both had left (daughter just bellowed down the stairs at where she thought son was when she
left with me. i had daughter phone home every 10 minutes or so until we reached her mother.

her mom says she told daughter. daughter says she didn't hear.

either way, i'm a little irritated about it. i am a formal advisory kind of guy. i require an answer/acknowledgment from the other party when i make such pronouncements. even when (especially when) the kids were little, i would always do a formal hand-off of supervision to someone - at home and elsewhere. if i was heading to the bathroom, i would say (and require and answer) "I am going to the bathroom - you are on supervision at this time." and then do a briefing on location and activities if necessary. same with being at a relative's house - i would ask, and designate someone to supervise the kid if i had to leave the room.

i'm a little anal retentive that way - safety first.

daughter is still having issues with stbx-Mrs_C's mother telling her she's fat or needs to lose weight. daughter now avoids her grandma at all costs. it's kind of sad because when daughter was little they were quite close. or at least i thought they were close.

my mom told me that daughter told her that her other grandma was really swell about doing crafts, but that when she would make a mistake, or do something in a different way than other grandma wanted, daughter would get pounced on and given heck. other grandma would also always do a comparison of their respective work after they were done. daughter always came out on the short end. daughter was, i dunno, 5, 6, 7...

my mom was pretty sad that a grown-up would have to compete with a young child.

anyway, daughter complained about not being able to take her dog on the trip. i had to advise daughter that on that one i agreed with her mother. the dog should not go on vacation. daughter wasn't very happy but reluctantly agreed with the logic. i asked her if she actually agreed or was just giving in. she said she could see the reasons, but thought she should be allowed to take her dog anyway.

i laughed and we left it at that.

vacation time

i've been talking some vacation time. i need to burn more than 30 days in the next 90. that'll still leave me with 3 weeks holidays that i intend to take in winter - hopefully going somewhere warm - assuming i'm still employed after the final conflict... i should be (95%), but the business i'm in is pretty volatile in outcomes - look at what happened with my boss...

so many things to write about

enjoying myself

doing things instead of writing about them

will post as able

thank-you for being my friends

got to run

Mustard

Smitten's daughter (9) had a birthday party. Her Dad was out of town at his family's cottage, so i helped out with taxi service and party support. Smitten checked with him, to see if he was cool with it, because otherwise he would have been doing taxi. He was fine with me doing the driving.

It was a nice party for the girl and her friends.

I was helping with cooking and food (surprise) among other things. It was time for the kids to eat. I began asking each of them what they wanted on their hot dogs and preparing them for the kids.

Smitten asked "What are you doing? let them make their own dogs."

It kind of rattled me for a few minutes. I did what she asked, but it bothered me a bit. I couldn't figure out why. she was right, they were old enough to load up their own hot dogs.

When it occurred to me. I loaded all my kids food, and all the kids food at parties at our place because if there was a spill, stbx-Mrs_C would get all psycho on me. as i thought things through i remembered that she had gone all freaky on me one time when one of the kids had friends over about some mustard that had gotten spilled on the white plastic outdoor table and had demanded that i bleach it until the tiny yellow mark was gone.

she had just gone mental all over me about this stain. the table wasn't new. it had that sun worn and slightly greyish undertone that those cheapo white tables get.

it occurred to me that she would usually get spazzy about spills and such - even if they were easily cleaned up, or just part of normal kitchen use.

that's one of the reasons i eventually rarely got to eat with my family was because i was too busy cleaning the kitchen up to avoid getting grief to join them before they had finished eating.

when i talked to Smitten about it, she said "that makes a lot of sense. when we had that picnic in the park, and you were loading that plate with food, i assumed it was for you, but it was [Son's]. i found it strange that you were loading a 15 year old's plate. but that makes perfect sense. you were serving it on the table cloths i had brought, so stains and spills would have been on your mind. i was wondering about that, but it makes sense now."

mustard

yeah

i let some kids load their own dogs today

Music Festival

JAZZ Blues GROOVE Funk HIP HOP World Beat SOUL Gospel

we saw Buddy Guy among others. it was cool. Buddy Guy is cool. I am sad to say that i had not heard of him before booking tickets to see him, but it was well worth it. more on the weekend later (which was wonderful) - i need to go now.

To quote the wikipedia article:

"Guy's reputation spread to Great Britain with the American Folk Blues Festival in the 1960s, where young rockers like Eric Clapton, Jeff Beck, and the Rolling Stones were seeking out the roots of American blues. His first trip to the UK was in February 1965, during which Rod Stewart acted as his valet and Guy shared a bill with the Yardbirds. Guy’s tour exposed his music to a whole new generation of British musicians eager to soak it up. He was surprised to see how influential his music had become to English guitarists.

Guy later recalled:

"Of course, I had a lot more energy than I have now—I was playing the guitar with my feet and throwing it up in the air—crazy stuff! But although I was getting to play overseas, back home I still didn't have a record. I thought that maybe it was because I played too loud and with too much feedback, then the next thing I know, Clapton and Hendrix are out there using the same tricks and selling millions of albums."

"

"Guy could arguably be considered the inspiration, directly or indirectly, for every rock power trio format since Cream (i.e., bands such as the Jeff Beck Group, the Jimi Hendrix Experience, Rush, Nirvana). Clapton admitted that he got his idea for a blues-rock power trio during his teenage years while watching Buddy Guy's trio perform in England in 1965. Clapton later formed the rock band Cream, which was “the first rock supergroup to become superstars” and was also “the first top group to truly exploit the power-trio format, in the process laying the foundation for much blues-rock and hard rock of the 1960s and 1970s.”

Eric Clapton said "Buddy Guy was to me what Elvis was for others." Clapton, who's not prone to hyperbole, insisted in a 1985 Musician magazine article that "Buddy Guy is by far and without a doubt the best guitar player alive...if you see him in person, the way he plays is beyond anyone. Total freedom of spirit, I guess… He really changed the course of rock and roll blues."

Recalls Guy: "Eric Clapton and I are the best of friends and I like the tune "Strange Brew" and we were sitting and having a drink one day and I said ‘Man, that "Strange Brew"...you just cracked me up with that note.’ And he said ‘You should...cause it's your licks...’ " "

"In recognition of Guy's influence on Hendrix's career, the Hendrix family invited Buddy Guy to headline all-star casts at several Jimi Hendrix tribute concerts they organized in recent years, "calling on a legend to celebrate a legend." Jimi Hendrix himself once said that “Heaven is lying at Buddy Guy’s feet while listening to him play guitar.”"

hot tub sally (part 2)

as i write and review the story, it doesn't read to me as nearly the fun or the good time that it was in real life. i think i wll need to refine recounting story at a future date. i hope this telling lives up to expectation at least partially...

[later edit: it occurs to me that i have no idea how to write this so that it doesn't sound like a penthouse letter...

dear penthouse, i'm just an average guy and i never believed anything like this would ever happen to me.

one day i was attending a hot tub party (hosted by my exhibitionist friend L, a slim redhead who orders most of her her clothes from Victoria's Secret), with my girlfriend, a slim hot blond, where we met sally, a curvaceous dark haired woman with 44 DD breasts...]

----

we were drinking scotch as our BYOB (12 year glenfiddich). Smitten had been not feeling very well and had some digestive difficulties the previous week. her doctor said it was likely some kind of intestinal infection. she had been on medication, but didn't want to have any kind of mix - mix and soft drinks are often a source of discomfort for her.

i was trying the jello shooters because they were offered. i'd never had jello shooters before. a friend of L's had made a massive tray of them and dropped them off at the party (the friend wasn't able to stay for the party but made the shooters as a gift)

Jello Shooters

back to the hot tub:

i was quickly told by L that how you do jello shooters indicates your prowess or ability with your tongue - how much jello is left at the bottom - or not left in the little plastic cups.

there was much generalised hooting and hollering by those in the tub and the folks who were gathered just around talking/interacting as each person proceeded to do their shooters. everyone hammed it up appropriately.

my shooter cups had no jello left. i was plied with several to see if i would miss any. i didn't.

i guess you had to be there, but it was a moment of substantial hilarity and even of a little embarrassment for Smitten as the other women razzed her about my tongue action... L said she was going to never let me live it down at the lunch table. i asked what there would be to live down and suggested that such reports would only do good things for me and my reputation.

anyway, many jello shooters later

several more scotches later

one of the guys brings a joint over to the hot tub. we smoked that.

----

sally was at least one sheet to the wind before we even got in the tub.

----

my friend L is more than a little bit of an exhibitionist - she also can't stand being in a wet bathing suit. she is slim and looks good in a bathing suit. that added together meant that she changed her suit 5 or 6 times during the evening. all her suits are from victoria's secret. she would model each one for all watchers as she entered and sat in the tub.

sally is a vivacious curvaceous woman in her early fifties who was feeling the joie de vivre at that point, let me tell you... she was highly interested in me from the moment i walked up to the hot tub. i later found out she has a thing for shaved head hairy guys - or at least so she said - at least so she subsequently demonstrated...

(remember - my comments now are also with the benefit of hindsight)

she also has a thing for slim women - like L - like Smitten - it would seem...

she was touching me and displaying for me from the moment we got in. she spent a lot of time talking to smitten with as much body contact as she could muster. it was certainly at the edge of just normal fun and ribald interaction, but was within bounds of someone who was a little bit gunned up and feeling frisky

she was all over the earth mother/earth sisters thing with smitten. that's a little more new age/eastern philosophy than i have migrated to - but it's their thing. smitten was enjoying the attention and the teasing about Smitten's and my sexual interaction.

i was enjoying the attention and the ribald environment as well.

we were drinking more scotch, more jello shooters, and smoking more dope...

L and most of the others eventually left the tub

hot tub sally began to show us her butt cheek tattoos. she also began to have little side conversations with a lot of body contact with smitten. sally began to discuss her own 44D breasts and show them (still barely contained in her swimsuit) to us

there were 4 people in the tub - the 3 of us and a guy with whom she had slept on a number of occasions (we were informed).

sally kept doing sister embrace things with smitten. i have teased smitten about the whole encounter, but have yet to inquire as to whether she knew what was going down by that point. smitten was pretty hammered.

i suspect smitten was fully aware, because smitten made reference to her only almost girl-girl/bi moment (which was also in a hot-tub... some 22 years ago). i think that after the fact, smitten may have been a little embarrassed and may be conveniently not "getting" it for face reasons

anyway, the other guy was right into watching the two women interact. i certainly didn't have a problem with it - i don't know how i feel about it going anywhere else - but certainly any contact between the two women in the context of a public hot-tub would likely be fine.

i have been naked in a group in a hot tub before (before i was married) and this was less risque than that ( nude beaches, skinny dipping, various situations of group nudity - no group sex - no threesomes) [for some reason the auto spell checker in firefox knows the word "threesomes" but doesn't know the word risque... hmmmmmm - modern times]

conversation and contact went on for awhile. sally was starting to grope more heavily on me - and i assume on smitten. when she began going for the business i began to get concerned - it's not like i could call a time-out and discuss the situation with smitten, and smitten has previously spoken in strong terms about exclusivity. i did not want some harmless fun to get out of hand.

sally got in real close with smitten and said something to her. i believe it was a proposition, but we have not discussed it yet (smitten has expressed to me how she feels like she lets go of propriety around me sometimes and i do not want to make her feel uncomfortable as she explores herself and her sexuality [she feels a level of historical reserve about sexuality but has been more free with me] - more on this another day)

sally moved away from smitten and came closer to me. smitten was looking a little dazed - she says that is the moment she realised just how fucked up she was from all the alcohol and pot. i leaned forward to take smitten's hand - i thought that she was about to get upset with sally. smitten stood up. sally decided at about that moment to stick her hand down the back of my swim trunks (lycra swim trunks).

i was pretty unsure how to handle the situation. it was when sally's fingers hit my asshole that i knew hot tub time was done. i stood up with smitten - was unsure if my trunks were coming down with sally's hand in them, but i assumed she would take it out.

we left the tub. sally said "you don't have to go, there's still plenty of fun in the hot tub"

we went upstairs to get dressed.

we left fairly shortly after that as we were both tired.

----

another tidbit

i went inside the house to get smitten more scotch. T and a bunch of the guys were standing in the kitchen. T bellows at me in his gruff way. "[Cadbury]!!! if you don't marry that woman the first chance you get... well, i don't know what's wrong with you." the 4 other guys all made similar exclamatory remarks.

i told them i thought she is a keeper

----

that's the story

hot tub sally (part 1)

you better slow yourself down... ride sally ride

(with all due apologies to every blues musician in the known universe)

----

we got to the party around 7:45. i was running a little behind - there was stuff to finish right up 'til just past 5 at work, and daughter had called me to see if i wanted to get together at all (they were leaving on vacation at 7am saturday). i needed to get a couple of groceries for stuff to eat at the birthday party.

it was a nice dinner with daughter - she ate - i watched - we had some iced cappuccinos. more on that dinner later.

but, back to the party.

i took my swimsuit, but smitten did not take hers. she has temperature control issues in general, and especially in hot tubs. and while smitten has a bit of an exhibitionist streak, she also has a very reserved, shy, unsure side too.

out hosts were my friend L (female) - the red hair auto-mechanic by training lady. she works in the same building as me as chief of staff to one of the client group. her partner T works in one of the community offices for the client group.

i've known L for about 10 years and T for about 25 years. T is kind of gruff and grumpy and is a HUGE football fan. we have not collided, but we are of different mindsets - so we were never close. we've worked together and gotten along - he, for all his grump, is a total true believer - and that common goal can you past most issues.

L is quite the wild woman. more about this later (no - it wasn't her who tried to pick us up). nice lady. we hit it off from the first moment we met. she knew stbx-Mrs_C and liked her. they had invited us to do things for pretty much the whole time, and started inviting us to the birthday party about 7 years ago. we saw them at a few office/organisation functions and had a good time, but i could never get past that with the stbx.

smitten and i got to the party at about 7:45. we walked in the door and T and a bunch of the guys were watching football (THE team) on the big screen in the living room. the party was well under way in the back yard. it had started at 2pm with various people who had the day off. i stashed the food in the fridge - the party was BYOB and BYO food on the invite - but L had gone to town with a massive table of food and many others else had brought food potluck style (we'll know for next year). we poured ourselves drinks and went out to see what was up. i knew very few people there. i thought the party might not be as fun as i wished. i could tell from smitten's demeanor that the crowd was not quite what she was expecting either. we had been expecting a crowd about our age (L is 43). it was pretty heavy on the greying boomer side of things (no offense to any greying boomers...) - we just felt a little out of place in a crowd that was not a good match demographically, and which obviously knew each other well already. L joined us at the table - there was a couple of other folks as well. everyone was gregarious enough and we loosened quickly. shortly after the football game was over and THE team (our local franchise) had won. the was much rejoicing.

we ate and drank and our table diminished. some other folks i knew arrived and we went to sit with them. they are pretty neat folks. ex-hippie (real hippies) save the earth folks. they had lived around the world and in various strange good works/development exercises. fun and with good stories.

we continued to drink...

after awhile i decided i was going to go in the hot tub. smitten had not brought a suit, but L had thoughtfully bought 6 suits ($7 wal mart specials [not bad style though - basic black]), male/female, s,m,l for anyone who hadn't brought their own.

L keeps her tub just slightly higher than body temperature - so it is not an insanely hot tub. smitten figured she'd be good with that.

did i mention we were drinking?

hot tub sally had been in and out of the tub for awhile. people were drinking in the hot tub and smoking dope.

there were many hoots of appreciation from the audience when we arrived on the scene - smitten is just generally hot, and i was easily the best built guy there (a fair number of middle aged paunches - it wasn't hard to beat the crowd). sally was highly vocal from the first point she saw us. moments after we got in someone brought the jello shooters around. that was the start of the slide into reckless abandon...

[to be continued]

birthday party

went to my friend's birthday party hosted by some friends of mine. she has invited me for the last 7 years. i had not gone until now. stbx-Mrs_C said she liked them both - he's a little more gruff, but she liked him. my friend is an auto mechanic with red hair - stbx-Mrs_C as a technician could relate to my friend.

but somehow, she just never felt like going. for 7 years.

Smitten and I went last night.

It was great time. many people. a few i knew, most i did not. My friend just installed a hot tub. it was well broken in.

had a lady try to pick Smitten and I up. that was interesting...

we're off to another city to go to a music festival

see you

flip-flop-fly

son went over to the house to supervise daughter and her school chums who were having an end of the school year party/sleepover.

son confronted/talked to his mother about the sudden reversal of her position. she said that she just didn't want to deal with it before holidays, that she really didn't know what she wanted to do one way or another, and that i had been rude to her on the phone and that's why she said to talk to her lawyer.

son was sitting next to me when i made the call to his mother the night before.

the rudest moment in the conversation came after told her "Don't send an 11 year olds to do your dirty work or your messaging" - she said "I didn't, she called on her own. I said I didn't want to talk to you. You can talk to my lawyer, because i don't want to talk to you."

my response was "well, i don't want to talk to you either"

way rude

i guess

when confronted she twists and turns and lies. when confronted with the recounting of a recording of her own voice saying "sell the house", her response? lie. twist. point a finger at me as being bad, or having inappropriate behaviour.

i have decided that i am buying new phones - phones capable of recording any calls i might receive from her. that was completely effective in countering her lies. i want to do it again.

i used our recording stick at work to record the voice mail, so i would have a better record of her call to me. i emailed a copy of it to son. he may desire to play it for daughter as his mother subjects them to constant negative propaganda about me for the next 3 weeks.

i hate this.

----

i sent all the documentation to my lawyer to just go straight down a legal path

i've had it with trying to deal with her

she wants me to talk to her lawyer, no problem

i still intend this to end up in mediation, not lawyerville - but the process has to be formalised

the idea that we could work it out between ourselves and then move it to mediation hasn't worked out. it has also ended up costing us more than lawyers would - the unpredicted effect of an insane housing market has ended up costing far more than the lawyers would have to begin with.

$30,000-$60,000 average increase since last year in housing prices in the range i am looking

amortised over 20-25 years... $30,000 works out to almost an additional $30,000 in cost of borrowing over a 25 year period - so that's a $60,000 cost for waiting a year. that's also $30,000 in capital gains lost - so even if you dismiss the addition 30K in interest as fluff, a 30K increase in cost, and a 30K loss in potential capital gain is nothing to sneeze at.

----

"If you are really serious about divorcing Mrs. C~quit talking about it.
*Quit talking to HER other than to discuss the children.
*Just stop it and file the paperwork with the court.
*What's to talk about?
*Pay the lawyers the $ and let THEM talk about it. Just think of how it will save your sanity.

I really don't mean to upset you.... but please remember that I've been there....with my divorce and with my husband when he went through his. Also keep in mind that I worked in Domestic Relations dealing with paternity/child support/divorce for twelve years. I was in court 6 times a month with these same types of issues.

I've seen it all. I've heard it all. You and Mrs. C will NEV-ER be able to work this out without lawyers. Mrs. C won't allow it. She says she will. But she'll just drag it out and then you'll end up having to hire an attorney anyway and you would have wasted all that time and energy arguing with her about it.

Why prolong the inevitable?

You've been going through this pattern with Mrs. C since I started reading your blog.

Pissy"

September 05, 2006 7:26 PM

[bold mine - Cadbury]

she did it again

pulled the rug out from under me.

she told me we were going to sell the house (june 10). i got all my shit together, did all the prep, wrote a letter and dropped it in her mailbox yesterday. I wanted to get the go ahead to get it on the market since i found out they are leaving town for the upcoming 3 weeks.

last night i get a call from my daughter "Dad, why do you want to sell the house?"

i say "First of all, your Mom shouldn't be sending an 11 year old as her messenger - if she has something to say to me, she should say it directly. You see, your Mom said we should sell the house and I agreed. I have a voicemail where she says that and i could play it for you if you want. [blah, blah, blah more conversation.]"

i repeat the above about 5 different ways. Daughter says that she chooses not to listen to the recording.

I call back a few minutes later and stbx-Mrs_C answers. I say "Don't send an 11 year olds to do your dirty work or your messaging"

she says "I didn't, she called on her own. I said I didn't want to talk to you. You can talk to my lawyer, because i don't want to talk to you." blah, blah for about 30 more seconds

the end of the call

fucking bitch

she says to sell the house. i have the recording in my voice mail and now she pulls this stunt?

now i'm left waiting at least 3 more weeks - more like a month before anything happens.

fucking bitch

Smitten warned me she believed the sell the house thing was just another stalling tactic

and so it would seem

road trip

the boy and i went to another city to see a band at a music festival. i first heard of this guy/these folks in 2005 when i was in Montreal - i bought their CD on the recommendation of a music store owner.

i have been hooked ever since. i saw footage of them at the Montreal Jazz Festival (not just jazz, let me tell you) and they rocked out!!!

I wanted to see him/them live. i got my chance. we had a whole day of music and DJ Champion and the G-Strings

unless you really, really hate this music - humor me and listen/watch each of the videos, please. here is a link to a music video (clearest sound):


at the juno awards (like the grammy awards - but for Canada)


and links to some live stuff - give you an idea of what a concert is like:



bad sound but gives you an idea of the energy:



----

it was good.

DJ Champion is the skinny nerdy guy off on the side of the band with all the computers and mixing equipment. he formed the band - the project - as he calls it, when he was totally broke. he composed all the music himself, and when he asked the lead singer to come sing on it, he told he couldn't pay for her, and that he had no gear - he didn't even have a microphone and had to ask her if she would bring her own.

watch the interview here

i am a huge techno/ambient fan. i love acid jazz. but weirdly, i also like to rock out to a really raw metal sound. i am a big early black sabbath fan. i like older Rush a lot (it's a little dated now). i like blues and jazz. and this band hits all the spots for me: driving beat; technical proficiency; intelligence; historical musical relevance (blues base); heavy rockin' guitar

the sound is based in turn of the century blues. he says in one of his interviews that one of his favourite albums is a blues recording from 1910 that was done inside a prison by blacks doing hard time in the deep south. he wants his blues to be raw and to feel.

DJ Champion is the "conductor" of the band - he live mixes their sound and conducts/directs their live improvisation during concerts. every concert is different because a lot of it depends on how he and the band are feeling and how the crowd is reacting.

they are into their own music - they rock out while they are playing - it is such completely raw energy. if you watch the live video you will see them starting to jump up and down as they get into the beat - the crowd responds to them jumping up and down and putting their arms in the air

so we're at the outdoor concert - there's thousands of people in the green in front of the band shell and we're all jumping up and down with our arms in the air in time and on the lead of the band. you could hear the deep, deep bass and feel the ground shake from all these people jumping up and down

it was sooooo intense

so

there you go

i really like this band

a lot

last weekend now and a year ago

{started this post on June 18th - written over several sessions]

go to the June archive and read last year's father's day weekend. it is a series of posts from Hell weekend - Part 1 (prelude) to Monday, Monday

----

Friday night was a wonderful thing. Smitten and I missed each other a lot this week. She was out at her son's outdoor education camp as one of the parent leaders. Didn't talk much.

We ate supper, we talked, we listened to music, we made love.

On Saturday we got up late, got ready at a leisurely pace, and went out to an annual outdoor art show - one of the big ones in the city. It was a gorgeous day.

I had made arrangements before we left to go to a jazz festival in the near future in a nearby city - reservations at a classic old hotel, tickets for the shows. I got a really good deal on a really snazzy room.

the art show was well attended - ran into a few people i knew.

again - can't say enough about what a wonderful day it was. that evening we made sushi and vietnamese fresh rolls. i gave Smitten a long massage, we made love, and fell asleep (well, actually we had really hot sex - but this bit of writing is supposed to have a bit of a dreamy stars in the eyes lilt to it...)

on Sunday we went out for brunch with Smitten father and sister, then off to a friend of Smitten's for a garage sale preview (moving sale). i got a next to new vacuum cleaner for $5. Smitten got a George Foreman grill for $3. we also got a bunch of other household odds and ends - including a home elliptical trainer for me at the low price of $150

i wanted to get one for those days i can't make it to the gym. i also want one for son who is packing on a few pounds and needs to get more activity in his life.

his lousy diet on weeks not with me doesn't help much either.

anyway, we got a bunch of stuff. it was good

we picked up the kids and went to my parents place for father's day dinner. it had started to rain by then, so my mom's plans and efforts for a BBQ on their massive deck fell through.

daughter interacted well with Smitten and they had a few yucks and smiles - and even some physical contact (arm touchy things). my brother and his wife were there with their kids and things also went well in that set of interactions all round.

the kids didn't want to end the evening and wanted to stay fairly late (after 10pm)

----

blah, blah, blah - it was nice - i ran out of steam on this post

read the two entries - the point will be made

have a great weekend

i'm off to a music festival in another city with my son tomorrow to see an obscure band i really like - thought about taking daughter but she doesn't like the band as much as he and i do, and i'll be coughing up for her to see gwen stephanie (sp?) later this summer... so i made it a him and i bonding moment

she and i spent lots of time together today

chicken noodle soup

Smitten has been progressively more ill the last couple of weeks. The wednesday night ("didn't try to fix it" night) was bad. Smitten went to her doctor. He figures she had an infection in her colon that was a result of the medication he gave her for a urinary tract infection she had a short while ago. he gave her some new stuff that was supposed to fix things.

Smitten wasn't eating for the last couple of days - everything she ate made her hurt and caused troubles.

I went over to her place after work to make her something to eat - i stopped by my place to pick up some spelt flour and other stuff for making chicken noodle soup - no chicken, just soup base/bouillon and spelt noodles. I was trying to get something hot with some nutrients and food energy that she could actually survive eating.

I didn't have a pasta maker, so i had to do it by hand. I had quick grabbed a recipe off the internet - who would think someone could go wrong with noodles...

i made a larger batch because i was going to leave some fresh pasta for her kids and her to eat today. well - this internet recipe was a little messed. i ended up with batter, not pasta dough. i added more flour but it was too much water. so i poured a bit out into a smaller bowl and added flour until it was right. that was a little frustrating. i had a lot of batter...

spelt dough tends to be way stickier than wheat dough, so i had a lot of trouble with the dough sticking and tearing as i tried to roll it thin enough for noodles. i end up making pretty fat noodles which i dropped in the soup. they swelled up a lot. it looked like it was going to be long skinny dumpling soup, not noodle soup.

Smitten worked on her books. she hadn't eaten in a couple of days, hadn't slept well, and was on her last legs. she began to cry at one point because her books were not making sense.

she had always kept a time based set of books - essentially a historical cash flow statement, and had never built a set of books out of incomplete records before. without going into details, let's just say i have a little experience in this regard... or, a lot of experience.

because things had been a little messed up this year with her time, and because she had been pressured into being treasurer again (4 years in a row) she hadn't been as diligent as she should/could have been. especially during the critical period - cookie sales (her Dad was in the hospital and was having serious problems). she had accepted all the records as provided by the other leaders as being accurate instead of checking them at the time. she had also bundled deposits instead of making each deposit match each leader's money.

fast forward - she was unable to make it work. i stayed silent while cooking. she talks to herself while figuring out stuff she's having problems with (i do this while doing books and programming, so i don't find it especially weird). i had a good idea of what problems she was encountering. after an hour and a half, she said "I just can't make this work". I had stayed out to that point. I asked if she wanted any feedback. She said yes, because anything would be better than where she was.

I discussed the concept of breaking down their activities into activity groupings rather than on a time basis. That way she could construct how much she is supposed to have and compare it to how much they actually had. That way she wouldn't have to actually match up the deposits to the activity. If she made each activity set a sub ledger, made the revenue balance against the expenditure by activity, and then put the net revenue against their bank balance she would be able to see if they were OK - and even if it didn't quite match, if it was under a $100 out, it really didn't matter that much. The Girl Guides organization wouldn't be crabby about that situation and it would be off her plate.

Smitten wasn't happy with the notion of everything not balancing, but liked the idea of getting it out the door.

When she began to break down her activity areas she found that two of the leaders had done their numbers incorrectly when providing her with their information. That solved most of the problem.

In the end she was about $36.00 out.

Meanwhile, the soup was done. she had not had a homemade chicken noodle soup before.

with most of the weight of the books off her shoulders, and some food in her she began to feel better.

we went to the drugstore and got her prescription filled. we did a walk by on a house i'm looking to buy - it's not on the market yet, but my real estate agent is working with the folks.

by morning Smitten was feeling much better. sleep, food, and the medication appeared to be working its magic.

she is off work sick today - her boss told her to take the day off, and Smitten relented under pressure.

as i packed all my stuff up, she wanted me to leave the chicken soup so she'd have something to eat.

i am hoping a day in the sun just getting her world in order will do what it needs to do for her.

----

Update: as of this morning's review of the documentation, Smitten was only out $6

didn't try to fix it

Smitten was having problems last night. She is treasurer for her daughter's Brownies troop (or Sprites, or whatever the hell they are).

She was having trouble getting it to work. All the money is there, but the financial reports that the girl guides use are very specific and detailed about how they want everything reported, and it can be troublesome to fill in all the blanks given that there is often more than one volunteer leader handling money and doing the event level record keeping - plus some bits of paper get lost and so on. Then it gets dumped on the treasurer at the end of the year.

Anyway, she told me about her troubles.

I listened.

I didn't suggest any fixes or solutions.

One step.

fig tree

before i was married i had this fig tree.

i bought the fig tree and was going to put it in my apartment.

you see i had his big split with my best friend/roommate awhile earlier (about a year). he was a guy who was constantly criticising/needling me and telling me how i needed to improve my life (sound familiar?). he was more outgoing than me, he was slim, he was athletic, he was blond and not going bald. and had a really big schlong (observation and reports from girlfriends).

i had recovered financially and was putting my life together - i had moved out of the hole i was living in into a decent apartment. i was going to have an apartment my way.

one of the things i wanted was a fig tree. i thought they were cool. i bought it and left it in my car on a very hot day. i only left it for about 10 minutes, but it dropped all it's leaves and turned into sticks.

i clipped and trimmed and tried to save it. eventually it was down to a stick with a sort of green bud out the side. i fertilised, i gave it light, i did everything i could find.

stb-Mrs_C (at the time) couldn't understand why i would keep the plant. i felt responsible for having injured it by my stupid action of leaving it in the car. i wasn't going to abandon the plant and kill it because of my failure.

eventually we got married and the plant went with me to our mutual place

it had its one leaf now - not just a green bud.

one day i came home and the fig tree was gone. stbx-Mrs_C had thrown it out because it wasn't worth saving the tree and she didn't know why i wasted my time on it. it apparently made our apartment "ugly"

she wouldn't ever agree to have a fig tree again "they're too hard to grow"

----

i have a new fig tree now

Smitten bought it for me. i am 100% certain that it was intended to be a symbolic message to me, as well as just buying me a gift i liked

i have been dutifully watering it and fertilising it

it has grown quite a bit

the lady who sold it to us warned that fig trees drop their leaves at any kind of shock and that it might look a little sad until it adjusted to it's new place - and not to move it or it will lose its leaves

it lost no leaves

it has lost only one leaf to date (4-6 weeks or so)

i like my fig tree

thoughts on garage conversations

something that has been trundling around my head for awhile.

this post refers to historical interaction with stbx-Mrs_C. i see a number of places where the she is not that specific. the current tense she is Smitten. most of the past tense she is stbx-Mrs_C...

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i've been trying to figure out why stbx-Mrs_C would still drag me into the garage for those goddamned conversations even though i told her they were killing our marriage and our relationship.

i remember when i told her that in extremely strenuous tones she said (from really fast post, May 12, 2006:

another thing she said the other day - she said: "even though things have been really bad i have felt more connected these last three weeks on an emotional level than i have in years because of the emotional outpouring during our discussions."

then she said:

"i'm almost like a bad kid looking for attention. i'm deliberately provoking clashes because of the intensity of emotion that swirls around them."

that book i got - Surviving A Borderline Parent - talks about people with stbx-Mrs_C's behavioural characteristics. One of the things it talks about is the fact that they cannot generate enough feelings of self-worth within themselves. They rely on others for their feelings of emotional self-worth.

----

It was obvious something was bugging me last evening. She didn't push - she will sometimes ask, other times she will wait for me to discuss whatever i am thinking about.

I talked to Smitten about the question of why stbx-Mrs_C wouldn't have listened to me. Without specific context, I first asked her a professional question about the nature of people with self-destructive behaviours and if they knew/know their behaviours were/are self-destructive - and why they would continue if they did.

She said that it usually involved a form of denial - that even though they may recognise a problem (which she says they either don't truly internally recognise - and just pay lip service to others' complaints), they think they can handle it. Like the alcoholic who quits for a week to prove they can stop drinking - or smokers who will quit for a little while.

I told her that i was thinking about what stbx-Mrs_C had said, and about why she kept on pushing me into those conversations. Smitten response was "Because you went. Because you didn't say no. It worked before, and it fulfilled some kind of need she had."

I could not wrap my head around how someone could be told that the behaviour was destroying the marriage and would still do it.

We some discussion and I arrived at a few conclusions - or rather collated a couple existing conclusions:

• stbx-Mrs_C is an emotional junkie - she needs her fix


• she is so torn up and hurt inside from what has happened to her in her life that she needs constant reassurance of her self-worth

• stbx-Mrs_C did indeed feel a sense of connection when we were talking


• she used to like to have me hovering around or "attending" on her - always needing to be the centre of my attention


• i suspect that she felt that me paying utter attention to her, to her emotional state, to the subject of our marriage made her feel that i cared

postulate: i may have made the conversations worse by saying it could kill our marriage.

if i was still willing to go out and have the discussions, even after saying how damaging the discussions were, then that must mean i care even more.

do you see what i mean? if i was prepared to walk 5 miles to see her it means i care. but if i'm willing to walk through sniper alley in a war zone to see her, i must REALLY care.

and, assuming that my view of her as being able to only poorly internally generate feelings self-worth - those conversations must have been a serious emotional crack hit. i would throw away everything else to have them - kids, work, house stuff, exercise, etc.

it would then be a "game" to see if she could ratchet up the volume high enough to get me to engage - in order to prove to herself once again, that i cared

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just some thinking

the house, the shit, tossing my dad from my office, and my shoulder (part 1)

haven't had much inspiration lately. just no energy. the emotional toll of bringing the issues out and really saying what i think would have been too much.

that's one of the things about blogging, about journaling, about actually living my emotions. before i could ignore them. now i am making an effort to live my emotions. to actually experience them and consider them - like flavours in food - the subtle differences between varieties of a spice - the subtle differences in the shades of colour

the exhaustion - it's like a person who has been confined to a hospital bed. their muscles atrophy. their exercise is much more draining than an athlete that has years of activity and mind body connection.

the exhaustion - i have such a desire to escape everything. it's not that it's hard work, it's just so messy and not straightforward to have to deal with stbx-Mrs_C on all of this. what is it about her that turns everything into an excruciating ordeal?

we are selling the house now.

i called her up and told her that in the feverish housing market we are in right now that we needed to work together to make sure we both didn't end up getting screwed. that in this whole situation there was a scenario where we both can end up in a good position.

she freaked.

she freaked because one of the things i pointed out was the insane price the house next door had just sold for.

she freaked because she didn't actually listen to what i said

she interpreted my words as i wanted to screw her out of money. or she willfully misinterpreted so as to force me to appear to be forcing her to do what she really wanted which was to sell the house

i believe her agenda was to cut a deal with me that saw me take a partial cut on the house and then she would roll it over and buy a new place herself with a larger share of equity than i would have.

she's been talking to the kids about selling and getting a townhouse/condo since last year.

i made her repeat the words back to me, she said "you are trying to tell me that you want to work together to make sure we both don't get screwed in this market"

then she just spazzed and said "i can't afford anything more than i've already agreed to... [freak, freak, freak]"

i'm saying "i'm not necessarily asking for more money, i'm trying to ask you if you are willing to work together to have a mutually beneficial outcome. it could be something like me taking a part payment right now, or using part of the line of credit and staying in my apartment until the market stabilises or something"

she says "i've always been willing to work with you that's why i offered to give you a down payment on a house out of the home equity line of credit last year while housing prices were still OK, and speed the divorce so we could have been done by december!"

i say "oh right... if i agree to say i was committing adultery"

she screams "BUT YOU WERE!!!"

i hang up

she calls awhile later and leaves a message with my son (real appropriate) that she thinks i'm trying to screw her out of more money and am forcing her out of the house that she was staying in just for the sake of the children. and that she wants to sell.

i don't call her back.

she leaves a voice mail saying much the same thing, and saying we should sell, and saying it's up to me to make all the arrangements. she awaits my plan...

typical

she freaks, she delays, she causes trouble and drags her feet and then when it's really time to deal with an issue, drops it in my lap so she can watch from the sidelines and tell me what a shitty job i'm doing.

----

you know the business i'm in

some groupings to understand:

us/light

them/dark

big brains/manager/wanna be bureaucrats...

warrior caste/true believers/idealogues

----

it's been a mortal combat with the other guys/forces of darkness week. as we edge closer to the final conflict (for at least this 4 year cycle) the combat people (like me) are being put in charge more than the "manager" types who usually run things.

after having been running things for the better part of 2 decades, the "manager" type thinks that they are there because it is their right, and also starts to think that management and the institutional imperative is more important than what the people desire. and their policy sucks - from a public perspective. sound fiscal management is important to keeping things running but is hardly sexy with the public.

because we have reflected institutional interests instead of "combat" interests and the public's interests lately our ratings suck

because panic is setting in among the cool kids/manager types, people like me (the "break open in case of emergency types"/"fanatic warrior types") are being asked to take the lead in decision making.

we are in seriously shit shape, but have the better part of half a year left to try to salvage our situation.

this last week the other guys coughed up a huge opening. i'm going negative, going hard. got them running for once.

the big brains that got us to our current situation have tried to put their fingers in, but i/we have slapped them back. it is working so far. the big brains don't like the fact that their dire situation has caused them to have to cede control to the warrior caste for even a few months.

i'm feeling a lot of pressure because i'm directing our "offensive" and i don't want to fuck it up. we need the win really bad - especially this issue. i've also got both internal and external foes who are willing to pounce on any misstep.

----

my Dad came by one day. Dad is former warrior caste (you can never really leave it). he is a true true believer. he stills wants to remain in the game. he was in both support and "the client group", and was always a true believer

he has some pet issues and always has to tell me about them and pressure me to get something done about them. one day he dropped by. my shoulder was out (strained during exercise) - had been for a couple of days. i was in excrutiating pain. he insisted on blathering about his issues even though i was in the middle of a big play.

i listened patiently. he was done. i was waiting for him to leave.

he tells me that my mom is pissed about $40 i borrowed at the end of the month and have forgotten to repay. i thank him for reminding me and explain i will be by later to pay her.

then he launched into all the stuff i would have to do to get the house ready for sale. i could not cope with any more. stbx-Mrs_C, the house stuff, the school calling about son and him being dropped from a second class (another on he is/was failing), the work pressure (serious pressure), and truly excruciating pain in my shoulder - and he starts in on lecturing me about what i have to do to prepare the house

i cut him off and say "there's only so much time i can spend on personal matters at work. you'll have to go now." and stood up.

he took the hint and left.

he raised it with me when i was over later and said he wants to talk to me about it, and that he isn't happy about how he was treated.

he has left me alone for the time being, and we have yet to discuss it. i intend to write down some notes to explain how i feel

he always has some issue that he picks up, contrives, or honestly needs to harass me about. he always has some way of making me feel either obligated or under the gun.

he is always perfect at the "things that matter" (finance, personal organisation, remembering shit to do). he still has his notebooks full of his personal accounts dating back to the late 1940s. his paid bills/records dating back at least 20 years. other stuff he has handed over to the public archives for them to store (yes even his personal books/bills and accounts are desired items by the archives). his dad's stuff is there too...

me - i've tended more to focus on relationship stuff like cooking, feelings, helping out, blah, blah, blah. so Dad always has something to criticise me about. i'm never fucking organised enough for him. and even if i'm hanging on and am half-assed balanced, he'll score me hard on some planning for the future shit i should be doing.

anyway, i tossed my dad from my office. now i need to tell him how he makes me feel because while i may apologise for hurting his feelings, he's not going to leave the conversation without me expressing how he makes me feel.

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more later. it's 5:22pm and i need to drop son off at his mom's and meet up with Smitten.

holistic cooking

went to a holistic cooking class with Smitten last night. she had found out about it through an email list she's on and signed us up and paid for it

had a lot of fun as an outing and for something different to do

but it wasn't very holistic. it was a lady who used all organic ingredients to make some really good tasting, but seriously fattening food. and a bunch of ladies who seemed to be there to eat the desserts not learn about holistic cooking (i was the only guy)

lots of organic heavy cream, lots of organic olive oil, lots of unrefined sugar, lots of organic honey

oh, the holism astounded me...

so, we paid $25 a piece to watch someone cook with organic ingredients and then eat some good food - well i ate it. sort of like the food network only inside someone's kitchen

Smitten had told the instructor lady directly that she couldn't do dairy... but the lady used all dairy even if the recipes all said you could use tofu. so Smitten was only able to try a bit - but it caused her pain for about 2 hours after the class. Smitten was able to eat some of the non-dessert foods

$25 a piece for this bit of fun was well worth it. even though we had a number of issues with the class, i am still excited about having done it. i would describe my reaction as "bubbly" even with the problems/criticisms

and got some good recipes

that i can modify

and discovered how easy it is to make home made ice cream/frozen yogurt/frozen fruit concoctions. she steamed her potatoes for the potato salad - that was interesting - i will do that. used quinoa for tabbouleh - again - interesting - will do that

fun class, fun evening - i'm really glad Smitten came up with it

yeah - i'll do that again in a minute