Random Tag

This tag is courtesy of Ballon Pirate. It is seven completely random things about myself. I am to tag seven people, but most of you already read Balloon Pirate, so you're tagged already.

1) I swam through these rapids at high water. They are class 4 rapids at high water.

These rapids are almost a half a mile long at high water. The waves are 3-6 feet. The small dot you see in the right picture is a canoe, and the left picture is taken from a bridge over roughly the middle of the rapids. I have canoed through them probably a hundred times. Only spilled twice.

2) I have flat feet.

3) I have been around the planet a couple of times. All the way around it. Half-way round both ways a bunch more times.

4) I was in a store that was bombed in Johannesburg during the apartheid struggle. I missed the bombing by one day. I had gone there to pick up a purse for my Mom while flying to where they were in Africa doing development work. Mom's purse strap had broken and they couldn't get decent purses where they were. She was pleased with my selection both on the basis of style and of size and number of pockets (Mom's purses were more of a fashionable ladies camera bag than a purse...).

5) I used to wear a pocket protector for awhile in high school, but decided that while it had high utility value in protecting my pocket, it was decidedly nerdy and had to go...

6) I worked in radio as an announcer for awhile while in high school. I did Sunday church broadcasts. My father found substantial ironic humour in the fact that I would darken the doorstep of a church for cash. He could never get me to go otherwise. FYI: it is the Catholic Church and its hierarchy I have a problem with, not God or Jesus.

7) While I am a firm proponent of gun control (even firmer than current Canadian law), I am fully trained and was quite competant with firearms - handguns and long guns (single shot, semi-automatic, and automatic). I am also trained in unarmed and stick combat, though I'd be hard pressed to do any of the above well - having not practiced in a decade. I used to live/room with a guy who trained various city police and national police in those activities.

thinking about Ballon Pirate's comment

Ballon Pirate wrote:

"You may call it PTSD, I call it the side effects of living with an addict."

When i showed my boss my PTSD workbook, he told me that it parallels some of the material that he went through as part of a program for adult children of alchoholics. I was expressing frustration with the fact that stbx-Mrs_C has never been prepared to go to counselling and deal with her issues. He said denial and avoidance are key to those kinds of issues. He says that all variety of alcoholic and other behaviours are maladjusted coping mechanisms. He said "If you accept that the person in question is in pain, that they have a medical condition, then it makes more sense. The alcoholism and their other behaviours are reactions to their pain. The avoidance is like a kid that doesn't want the top of an infected scab torn off, and the alcohol is self-medicating their pain. They are trying to deaden or escape their pain."

He also suggested me that I should look at some al-anon material.

That and Ballon Pirate's various references led me to look at some Al-Anon material. One of the key elements that I have extracted from this material is reinforcement of my belief that i have to take care of myself, and that I will not be able to help my kids unless I help myself first. That, in fact, is what my Mom has been harping on since i darkened their doorstep on the night I left stbx-Mrs_C.

I found a number of the ideas the present for coping with alcoholics to be of interest. The following excerpts are from the online article Paths to Recovery (B-24)

Alcoholism is a family disease. This means “. . . the alcoholism of one member affects the whole family, and all become sick. Why does this happen? Unlike diabetes, alcoholism not only exists inside the body of the alcoholic, but is a disease of relationships as well. Many of the symptoms of alcoholism are in the behavior of the alcoholic. The people who are involved with the alcoholic react to his behavior. They try to control it, make up for it, or hide it. They often blame themselves for it and are hurt by it. Eventually they become emotionally disturbed themselves.” (from Alateen – Hope for Children of Alcoholics, page 6).

"In Al-Anon meetings we hear the three Cs describing our powerlessness over alcoholism: we didn’t cause it, can’t cure it, and can’t control it."

"Hard as it is to look at our own part in our problems, acceptance of Step One brings relief from impossible responsibilities. We were trying to fix a disease – and someone else’s disease at that!

To find peace and serenity in our lives, we have to change – a challenging, and perhaps fearful, thought. We may have to re-learn to take care of ourselves. When we are focused on another person’s alcoholism and behavior, many of us develop the habit of putting that person’s needs first. We may suffer from low selfesteem and not believe that we deserve to take time for ourselves."

a list of questions asked by the publication:

- Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?

- How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?

- What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?

- How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?

- What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?

- How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?

- In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?

- In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?

- Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?

- Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?

- How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?

- How well do I take care of myself?

- Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?

- Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?

the whole complex-PTSD thing

i don't know whether i am/have complex-PTSD/DESNOS. i am going to discuss the issue further with my counsellor. she thinks it is a reasonable path to follow given the fact that i match the clinical checklist pretty closely.

I've been trying to explore the reasons and roots of the anger and the panic attacks and the flashbacks and the triggers for some time now. The workbook I am using lists the following:

1. Alteration in regulation of affect (emotion) and impulses
- chronic affect dysregulation (your emotions have a life of their own)
- difficulty modulating (managing and regulating) anger
- self-destructive or suicidal behaviours
- difficulty modulating sexual involvement
- impulsive or risk-taking behaviours

2. Alterations in attention or consciousness
- amnesia
- transient dissassociative episodes (short periods of zoning out)
- depersonalization

3. Somatization (how your body holds your trauma)
- digestive system problems
- chronic pain
- cardiopulmonary symptoms
- conversion symptoms (psychological problems that get converted into physical symptoms - eg, hits with a hammer on the back of a child become unexplained back spasms for the adult)
- sexual symptoms
- panic

4. Alterations in self-perception (how you see yourself)
- chronic guilt, shame, and self-blame
- feeling that you are permanently damaged
- feeling ineffective
- feeling nobody understands you
- minimizing the importance of the traumatic events in your life

5. Alterations in perception of the perpetrator (this is not needed for a diagnosis of complex PTSD)
- adopting the distorted beliefs of the perpetrator about yourself, others, and what happened as true
- idealizing of the perpetrator
- preoccupation with hurting the perpetrator

6. Alterations in relations with others
- inability to trust
- revictimizing yourself
- victimizing others

7. Alterations in systems of meaning (how you see life, others, and spirituality)
- despair, hopelessness
- loss of beliefs that had previously sustained you

What is Complex PTSD?

If you have complex PTSD, you may have some or all of these personality issues:

1. You may have problems with your ability to regulate emotions, especially anger.
2. You may find it hard to "stay present" without becoming Amnesiac (unable to remember), dissassociative (spaced out), depersonalized, or preoccupied with the trauma
3. You may not see yourself as a functioning individual who can avoid feeling helpless, shameful, guilty, stigmatized, alone, special, or full of self-blame.
4. You may not have the ability to separate yourself from your abuser or perpetrator's introjects as true(Introjects are someone else's beliefs that you take into your head as your own and then believe)
5. You may not have the ability to have positive, healthy relationships with others without being isolated, withdrawing, being extremely distrustful, failing repeatedly to protect yourself, or constantly searching for someone to rescue you (or for someone you can rescue).
6. You may not have the ability to find meaning in your life and maintain faith, hopefulness, and a sense of the future without feeling despair and hopelessness

all of the above taken from The PTSD Workbook: Simple, Effective Techniques for Overcoming Traumatic Stress Symptoms, Mary Beth WIlliams and Soili Poijula, copyright 2002, New Harbinger Publications

the elements of the above that i do not exhibit are easier to list the the ones i do...

- self-destructive or suicidal behaviours
- dificulty modulating sexual involvement
- impulsive or risk-taking behaviours

that's it. even the impulsive or risk-taking behaviours is a bit of an issue

former business partner

ran into my former business partner tonight. we were both teaching night classes at the post-secondary institution we teach part-time at.

(historical note: i got him the teaching job and his current day job after the business collapsed. he'd had his sort of break-down near the end of the business and his wife was still going to school [she's an engineer now] and they seriously needed the money)

we've known each other/run the same circles/been friends since i was 13. he's about 3 years older than me. he was there almost every day through the most of the marriage.

anyway, he was teaching. we said hi on the ay in, but ran into each other in the parking lot. we stood and talked for about an hour about this and that.

the one interesting line. he said:

"I never really said it to you before, because we haven't really talked since you split... but, she never gave you a chance, man. never gave you chance.you couldn't move without her being on you..."

why am i writing this? because i still have to justify my own actions to myself. because every day i wake up and think about things related to the split and the breakdown/break-up i have to tell myself that the decision was the correct one, and that even with the difficulties my children are going through, that a living father asserting himself instead of being trampled is better for them in the lang run, even with the short term problems.

this emotion stuff is harder than you think...

"It's the perfect time of year
Somewhere far away from here
I feel fine enough, I guess
Considering everything's a mess
There's a restaurant down the street
Where hungry people like to eat
I could walk but I'll just drive
It's colder than it looks outside

It's like a dream you try to remember
But it's gone
Then you try to scream
But it only comes out as a yawn
When you try to see the world
Beyond your front door"

- Barenaked Ladies - Pinch Me

----

I was listening to the radio this morning on the way to work. This song was playing as I parked. I like the song and was singing along with the beginning of it (the excerpted section above) when I was suddenly emotionally overwhelmed and began to cry.

Not just a little. Deep and wracking.

i was surpised, but still utterly overwhelmed. i turned my face away from the parking lot (my spot is at the edge by some trees) lest anyone should see me. luckily i come in at 8:30 (flex hours) and most others are there at 8:00 or just before.

i used to suppress my tears. not cry. at all. only a few times since adolescence. and until making the break last summer, certainly only couple or three times with a witness.

i let it flow out of me. i was worried about what would happen if i ran into someone in the hallway on the way to my office - how they would react to my eyes - crying eyes - but i chose not to hold it in.

it is my desire to live. to fully live. if i shut down part of my emotional make-up. the sadness i feel. the tears within. then i will be shutting down my capacity for joy, because the atrophy in one area will spread. i know. i've lived it already. i want everything life has to give me. i want to feel it's beating presence in every moment.

and that means dealing with my tears as well.

i'm not sure why they came. but they did.

----

i picked up some books i ordered the other day. they are clustered around the subject of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

the three books are:

1) Heartwounds: The Impact of Unresolved Trauma and Grief on Relationships
2) The PTSD Workbook: Simple, Effective Techniques for Overcoming Traumatic Stress Symptoms
3) Growing Beyond Survival: A Self-Help Toolkit for Managing Traumatic Stress

the last 2 books are workbooks. i spent some time looking through reviews of various books on PTSD to see which of them had a broader focus than childhood sexual abuse or traumatic event PTSD. i wanted books that discussed complex post traumatic stress disorder.

from the wikipedia "Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), also known as "complex trauma" and "disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified (DESNOS)", is a clinically-recognized condition that results from exposure to prolonged interpersonal trauma such as physical abuse, sexual abuse, domestic violence, torture, and war. According to van der Kolk and Courtois (2005), C-PTSD better describes the pervasive negative impact of chronic trauma than does the diagnosis posttraumatic stress disorder. PTSD fails to capture C-PTSD sufferers' loss of a sense of safety, trust, and self-worth, their tendency to be revictimized, and their loss of a coherent sense of self. C-PTSD is under consideration for inclusion in the next revision of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-V) as a formal, coded diagnosis. C-PTSD is characterized by chronic difficulties in many areas of emotional and interpersonal functioning."

i suspect that you will end up reading most of my efforts to go through these workbooks.

i was inspired to look for workbooks like this by some of the childhood sexual abuse workbooks i bought for stbx-Mrs_C all those years ago. i especially had respect for the workbook "The Courage To Heal", and thought that something like that might be a useful set of exercises for me.

i have no desire to return to my old ways of living and of relating to the world around me. as i am flying pretty blind on this i figured that i'd best deal with the anger and the rage - and the hurt and the emotion.

i so very much want to live.

the desire is just bursting out of me, but i don't want the emotional release to come out in an undirected manner - like this morning. that would be a good ticket to things like alcoholism (not that i'm much of a drinker), and serial rocky relationships.

i don't want that.

(not that i would particularly mind sleeping with half the known universe, but i've done that scene before and it just left me feeling empty)

i want to love and be loved. i want to feel joy.

this would seem to be a step.

dear diary

daughter came over for supper last night. i was really happy about that. except she ate some fish after school that made her stomach hurt. so she couldn't eat the food i made.

since food is love, i felt bad...

i had gone shopping the day before to make sure i bought things she would like that i could actually make. i started prep on monday night.

i made 2 fresh salads, jicama, and spicy stuffed red peppers.

she ate some jicama and drank some fresh lemonade (real thing) i had made for her, but otherwise was in tears from the pain.

the fish was some storebought no-name fish sticks, so i have no idea of what it did to her. there was no diareaha or anything, so it wasn't food poisoning.

so, i don't know. she sat with me all evening on the couch and we talked a cuddled, so i don't think it was a faked negative response to my food (even though i'm paranoid).

she says she'll come back over for supper on thursday, so i'll see.

----

my massage therapist is back.. she worked on me. it helped for awhile and i felt muscle clunk into new positions and it helped for a little while, but now my shoulder hurts again.

it's pissing me off - that's two weeks now that its been out of sorts

----

that client that i did that writing for was actually mocked in a public forum for her discussion of a sexual harassment incident that happened to her when she was in her 20s. the person mocking her was another woman. the mocker was mocking the fact that my friend (who is usually hard as nails) broke down and started crying when the incident came to light.

i'm completely pissed

it's time to go nuclear

i'm thinking through which women's advocacy groups i'm going to feed this information to and let them take a bite out of the mocker

----

went for my first lunch hour walk in the park. ice is almost gone from the lake. get my vitamin d naturally in addition to my pills.

house appraisers

got the appointment to get the house appraised. the dude will be going over next week. that means i should have it by early next week.

that means we can start haggling over price - hopefully a settlement won't be far behind.

i went to see my credit union. they won't do a mortgage until my credit card debt is reduced. that means no bridge financing or anything until the settlement comes through. no house until then.

as soon as the cards are cleared they will happily spring for more than i actually want to borrow or pay...

i'm intending to go with an actual lending institution because i want to bundle of services including a home equity line (to bridge some of the energy efficiency upgrades i want to make [we have a rebate program here]), and some other "wealth management" services that will be cheaper when bundled.

because the market here is as hot as it is, realtors won't even touch me until i'm pre-approved that pisses me off because i want to do some house viewing before hand. most houses (worth buying) in the last 3 months have gone in less than two days. in the area i want to buy most of the houses are going in the first few hours.

Smitten's realtor is a friend of hers, so i'm going to see if she'll show me around.

further to diary

had two big social engagments this week.

i went to a major banquet with politcal types. tickets were $200 a crack. the speaker of the assembly here gave me some tickets because he knew i was broke and he and others wanted me there.

they only gave me the tickets two days before the event. the banquet was on the evening of the day that son's surgery (outpatient) on his toes for ingrown toenails was occuring. the doctor got busy and forgot that we were around. the surgey didn't end up finishing until just as the banquet (cocktails) were supposed to start (5:30pm).

Smitten was supposed to go with me. because it would have been a massive rush (i got there at about 6:22 - right before the sitting), we decided that it would work better if she didn't attend. she needed to leave by about 7:30pm for a really important planning practice session with her belly dancing tribe (group).

i was sad she couldn't go.

i was happy she has a life and had something important like her dance to attend to.

(stbx-Mrs_C jammed out several years right at the door to our house as we were leaving. she would spaz and have a fit [social situation anxiety] as we were literally walking out the door and i would end up going alone)

hey - did i mention i looked hot? i was doing the evil super-villain thing again.

a woman i know who was unaware of my relationship with Smitten tried to pick me up. that was cool.

----

went to my friend's 50th on the weekend. he had it a local private club. it was a big bash. he has a lot of friends. there was a $10 donation at the door to cover costs of the event.

i asked Smitten to go. even though we had the kids, son was at the house playing dungeons and dragons while babysitting his sister (stbx-Mrs_C had a big date [oh, sorry - she's not dating yet... :-P] with "Bob" the hang around guy) and Smitten's son watched her daughter.

Smitten knew no-one there (not quite true - she did know a couple of people from my work that we had gone to the other bash with - but they arrived later).

she went in cold. she said she'd never been to a big birthday like this where she knew no-one. she cut short her own visiting with friends outside of town to come back in to attend.

right after we arrived another couple came in - the birthday guy introduced us. we had just finished looking at the picture display - they began. we seated ourselves near some folks i knew.

the other couple finished and began looking for a place to sit. they seemed quite lost and unsure. so i stood up and called them over. didn't know them - but they seemed badly lost in the crowd. they were relieved to have a place to sit.

we ended up talking with them most of the evening (until they left). the fellow owns the boutique coffee house downstairs from where the birthday guy works. they were fun to talk to. discovered he had previously worked as a master roaster at another coffee house some other people i kneow own.

it was a fun enough evening.

had a discussion with Smitten after we left that has had some forward repercussions - nothing bad - just stuff to work through. that will be the subject of another post.

----

more later

and some more

no real excitement in the universe. i'm blogging this as much to diarize it as anything.

----

got an email from stbx-Mrs_C on Wednesday saying i could send a house appraiser over on friday. i thought that timeline was a little short. appraisers are hard to get at this time of year, and our housing market is very robust right now. i'm still trying to get one to call me back.

----

the kids are constantly complaining to me about the poor quality of the food they are getting over at stbx-Mrs_C's place. they advise me that all she cooks is fish sticks and fries or pizza. sometimes they eat out.

the kids have taken to making their own meals.

i bought them some ultra-simple cookbooks. i hope it helps.

they have said they can't get their mom to buy the stuff they want to eat or make. i may buy them some of the ingredients so they can have a level of success. perhaps if they make stuff she will eat, she might be prepared to buy the ingedients they want. i'll have to teach them how to make a basic menu/meal plan and parallel shopping list.

----

finished watching battlestar gallactica seasons 1 and 2 with Smitten. started last October. i wanted her to see it, and she is into science fiction enough to be good with it. she mostly reads science fiction and fantasy books, rather than movies or TV. Movies and TV ended up being a staple of activity for stbx-Mrs_C and I - when you aren't talking at least you can be distracted... I have had no interest in repeating that pattern with Smitten.

I never watched much TV when i was younger. I missed pretty much the entire 1980s of TV because I didn't watch TV and didn't own a TV when I lived on my own. stbx-Mrs_C and I didn't have a TV for our first 18 months of marriage (or so) - not until after son was born and she needed something to do while she was up at night feeding the boy (breast fed - wasn't much I could do - if you're wondering why i wasn't up with her/him. i did get up to change him and fetch him, and did stay home with him [yes - that is a pre-emptive defensive explanation of involvement])

the TV is only on when the kids are at the apartment (technically not true because my service includes music channels and i use my DVD player/home theatre set-up ($140 - not some monster deal) as my stereo and instead of music (i hate commercial radio).

----

son says stbx-Mrs_C has begun telling people that I intended to divorce her from the moment i married her so that i could get money. 18 years of relationship later, i find that i resent that statement. son ripped her a new asshole when she said that to him. i did not admonish him for that action. i neither want to chide him for it, nor do i want to get in between his mother and him on an issue that is not a parenting issue.

----

daughter is asking when i will get my new house because she wants to get out of being at her mom's full time. stbx-Mrs_C's male friend is apparently at the house every day. stbx-Mrs_C says they are not dating - the kids say she is - daughter says stbx-Mrs_C only says she isn't dating to son, because she doesn't want to give son the satisfaction of being able to say "see, you're dating to" - daughter says stbx-Mrs_C has told daughter that they are dating.

daughter is also sick of sleeping with her mom in the same bed since about the new year. stbx-Mrs_C's tossing and turning and whacking with arms and bed hogging and blah blah (usual disturbed sleep) is also grating on daughter.

daughter really wants her own space.

----

went out on sunday for the day with daughter. went for breakfast and spent the rest of the day together. bopped around to exchange some jeans i'd bought and to look at pet stores to give the girl an outing. her dog is such a focus in her life that i want to do stuff with her. last year when i first moved out she asked if she could have a gecko. it's getting closer to house time, so we looked at gecko stuff too. that'll be a $300 touch at the end of the day.

----

more later

[later edit to see if i can actually get the blog rolls to read this as updated...]

weekend away

I was able to get a little time with a chiropractor who has cracked me a couple of times. My pain still hasn't gone away, but it is a little less. It is quite a sharp pain - and different from other pain i have felt, so it is not as easy to put away. Or maybe I'm just not used to living in pain anymore.

I know that at least my skin is more sensistive now than it used to be, so maybe i just feel this pain more sharply. I hope that a combination of treatment and exercise makes it go away soon. This is now a week of substantive discomfort.

My massage therapist and her magic hands are due back any day now...

----

Went away for the weekend. We were going to leave at noon on friday, but the work blow-out had continuing repercussions that had to dealt with. More words, more lines, more strategy - more hand-holding. I'm ok with the hand-holding. The lady I was writing for is my friend, and she needed my strength. She needed to know that someone understood her and her feelings. Her husband stood with her, and tried his best to protect her, but he doesn't have the words.

We left mid-afternoon. Smitten's daughter had some stuff that had to be done before we left, so the late departure worked out well.

It was a good drive. I shared my writing on the work stuff with her.

We talked about that and many things.

----

I had booked us into a grand old railway hotel in another city. I had gone up from the cheapest rooms available, because I didn't feel like spending time in a cheap room. It only cost $20 more a night, and it was completely worth it. The room was comfortable and well appointed with period charm - instead of being generically hotelish. The weekend away was a bit of a financial stretch for both of us, but we had not been away in a long time (since November...). I have cheques arriving soon, so I will only be tight for a week or so.

It's funny that since November is a long time since getting away. In my entire 18 years with stbx-Mrs_C we got away (just the two of us) a grand total of twice. I have now exceeded that total.

----

It is actually inaccurate to say that stbx-Mrs_C and I only got away twice in all that time. In addition to the two I reference above, when I was dating stbx-Mrs_C she suggested we have a getaway weekend to visit her sister and brother-in-law in the small town they lived in at the time. We arrived at their place and before I even got my bag put away he was demanding that I get on the roof of their house to re-roof and re-shingle it. I had met them once before. I had no warning that I would be doing roofing. It was sprung on me the moment I arrived. I was nice to my then girlfriend and her family. I spent Friday evening, Saturday, and most of Sunday re-roofing their house. Late Saturday I went in the house to get a drink at one point and cool off (blazing August heat [it gets near 100 F here in the summer sometimes in that area] from a roof all day with no shade). I had been sitting for about 10 minutes when brother-in-law came storming in literally yelling that he wasn't going to do the job himself and couldn't anybody else do some goddamned work around here. So I put down my glass and went back up. That weekend we removed all the old shingles, re-tarpapered and reshingled the roof on the house, built trusses, put them up, and did the rest roofing on a new 12x15 porch he'd added.

stbx-Mrs_C, her sister, and her mother (who was with us on the trip) went to town shopping while we worked. it doesn't get dark until getting on 9 pm so we worked until dark and then clean-up. we ate on the roof and came off only to go to the bathroom.

You will have to forgive me if I don't consider it a getaway weekend to add to the above mentioned 2.

for the record sister-in-law apologised for the imposition, as did stbx-Mrs_C, but neither of them intervened. looking back on it i should have just refused to continue working, so in that sense it's my own fault. i should have stood up for myself.

----

The weekend was much colder than we expected. It was blustery and butterly cold and shitty. We had intended to do a lot of walking on the riverbank and through a trendy area of town and such.

It didn't work out that way.

On friday we went to go to a funky chinese place I knew and it was closed due to an illness of one of the family members... so we went down the block to a place that looked interesting that we had just walked past. It was cool - tapas and trendy. We spent more than intended, but what the hell. It was fun. We had a bunch of different kinds of martinis and drinks (mixing alcohol - always a good thing ;-) along with the weird haute cuisine...

I had forgotten my swim trunks so we didn't go swimming or hottubbing that night (no downtown stores were open good friday evening and we weren't about to drive to a WalMart). Saturday was a slow starting day of lounging and laziness. We went out to get me some new swimwear. As usual I was looking for the cheapest shit I could find. But it all sucked from a fashion and looks standpoint. I made the mental break from budgetwear and decided to spring for some decent looking swim trunks instead of the baggy shit that makes me look about 50 lbs heaveir than i am. For your edification I have included a picture of some Tyr swim trunks that are very similar to what i bought. I look really good in them.

We tried to pick up some other things for Smitten's daughter, but that didn't go well. The mall was really packed and the line-up at the Junior la Senza store was really long. Smitten isn't very patient with lines and such.

The whole mob in the mall thing was not a good scene. Being cold and shitty, everyone was indoors instead of out. We left without getting the stuff.

We did stop in at a couple of really nice boutiques with various objets d'art. They were fun.

We went to pick up some alcohol to enjoy in the room that night. We weren't going to spend bar/lounge prices on our budget. We were also unsure as to whether we wanted to hit any of the live acts that were playing that night.

The day had really lost it's original direction and the weather was really bitterly shitty.

Smitten couldn't decide what she wanted to buy for alcohol.

Without a blow by blow - this whole situation set off some really serious triggers in me. I was in complete panic mode by this time and not having any fun. When the day got off track like this, and the weather was bad, and the shopping was bad, and the budget was tight, and I was with stbx-Mrs_C - and she became indecisive on stuff... I would be in trouble. I would inevitably be the responsible party for everything being wrong and would suffer for it.

I recognised what was going on in my head and took a few steps inside the liquor store to calm myself down. When we finished our choices and went out to the vehicle I explained my fear to Smitten. I talked about feeling that the day had gone off the rails and the triggers to my anxiety.

She listened and came back with such a completely different response. She said that she just sometimes had indecisive moments and felt badly that I had to hang around while she was being indecisive.

It was weird for me.

No mega conversation. No attack. No escalation.

Just a short discussion and a reassurance that she still wanted to be with me. She then asked about where we should go for supper.

And that was it.

No drama. No spaz. No nothing.

It was mindblowing.

I suggested another restaurant I knew. We went there. It is run by some "just off the boat" Vietnamese people, so it was quite authentic food. We had a wonderful time over dinner, excellent food. Formica tables and basic chairs, but incredibly clean (possibly the cleanest bathrooms in a non five star place I've ever seen).

We went back to the hotel and soaked in the hottub for awhile. After which we went back to the room and enjoyed some brandy while lounging and cuddling and such.

Sunday brunch was excellent and the drive home went well also.

It was a very relaxing time. Easy flow, easy conversation.

A well spent weekend.

work stuff

Had a hell day at work on Thursday. Big issue blew up right in the middle of the afternoon. Dealing with press, dealing with client base, dealing with all the shit that goes with it.

My shoulder got thrown out on wednesday - slept wrong. Still hurts. Hurt a lot worse on Thursday. Was going to get work done on it, but had to be there to take care of things at the office. My boss has had a bit of a ragged edge lately and I didn't want to leave him to deal with it all while he was feeling frayed.

I also needed to hold the hand of one of the clients (you know the business I am in - remember Evil Cadbury and what he does). There were special words to be written and lines to be developed and spin to be deployed. I am Cadbury the unflappable and everyone else was flapping. If that sounds egocentric - it probably is - but it's true.

This was an ugly issue - one that required the fine line between emotional honesty and spin. It had to be played off legit, but still used to advantage within the context of "the business". It had to be legitimate because anything else would have smelled instantly of "put on for the cameras". It had to be legit because it would be morally wrong to use an issue like this purely as "a play". It had to be real because it was/is. And it had to be set up and used for advantage - the forces of darkness are beating us with a stick right now because the law and best solution in a bad situation and what seems right in a 30 second clip on the news right aren't always the same thing. Especially when the people who put together the original play (that we are being beat up for) were male lawyers (searching for a least cost solution) - and not people with a whole lot of sensitivity.

It's funny, but all my writing on this blog, and all my research into issues surrounding abuse and sexual harrassment were what allowed me to craft perfect words for one of our women clients. A number of the women that heard her speak my words cried at the emotional honesty contained within them. Women who are otherwise awfully tough, and awfully thick skinned.

On a personal level I take that as validation of my emotions surrounding my experience. Just like an artist needs to know they have connected with the people experiencing their art, I need to know that my words touch something real inside people. This did. I am grateful that I was able to help this woman put words to her own feelings and her experience.

----

Because of the above I don't feel nearly as guilty anymore about all the time I have spent on this blog at work.

in my shoes

why am i all of a sudden size 10 1/2?

i was a size 11-11 1/2 until about age 30 when my foot became about a 12

was 11 1/2 - 12 until last year when i was an 11.

now i'm down to a 10 1/2 - on the measuring plate - not just the shoes.

weird

----

my parents are back from the states. it was good to see them. had supper over at their place last night. went over with son to help unload their vehicle and traipse stuff around the house - mom has problems with stairs and dad is 80.

i'm looking at making an Easter meal at their place - being as the family wouldn't all fit in my apartment, and mom couldn't go up the 4 flights of stairs. i have proposed doing the cooking, set-up and tear-down for the meal. all mom would have to do is throw a ham in the oven earlier in the day. dad... well he's dad and will do whatever it is he's done for all these years when it's time to get ready for a big shindig

----

looking at going out of town with Smitten this weekend. have reservations at a hotel - one of those grand old railway hotels that sort of looks like a castle

i am looking forward to getting away and doing something that does not resemble the regular week-in/week-out routine.

----

dance classes are done for the season. we had picked another couple that was in the class to see if we could practice together. they were interested as well and we have agreed to get together when time permits (they have small kids).

a bit of positive happenstance - they are friends with two of the volunteer instructors from the dance society - who will be attending when we get together. so we seem to have picked right - personal tutoring - for free

and they all seem to be really pleasant people. it would be nice to develop these as friendships

weekend round-up

went with son on saturday to buy him some new clothes and some new shoes. spent Cdn $81.00 (USD$70) on shoes for son. NO - not addidas or some such shit. Rockports... the boy wanted Rockports (casual shoe). Said he liked the style, colour, and the way they felt. Normally i only spent up to about $60 on shoes because he'll outgrow them, but shoes are the only thing he's pain in the ass about. He wants what he wants, and digs in on anything else. Not on price (he's go with a lower prced shoe), not on brand (he doesn't give a shit) - just what he wants. So a $20 or $30 premium to avoid the hassle - and give him a good pair of shoes - that he wears every day. I'm ok with it.

bought him some new clothes (man, he's huge! not fat - but big and broad shouldered). bought me some new clothes too - big sale at one of the department stores - scratch and save sale.

Smitten was working an informational booth for her organization on Saturday night and wanted company - so i went with her. Son decided to hang with Smitten's son (12) (who has a Wii) and eat pizza.

came back and son was lying around reading his book, Smitten's son was doing his own thing - they were just hanging out. Smitten and I wanted to visit, and son wanted to sit with us. He just wanted to hang out and yak a bit and be around us. he seemed to be just so happy to just be.

it made me think of a comment he had made earlier in the day while we were shopping. he said "You know, I kind of mad that my Mom is nuts." I glanced over at him with an admonishing raised eyebrow - he said "No - I'm serious. I really serious. It bugs me. My other friends, I go to their place, and their Mom's are pretty normal - as Mom's will ever be - but Mom - she's just all bent out of shape and always going off in some weird way - and it's kind of frustrating - I feel kind of gypped - I just want a normal life and a normal Mom."

i feel badly for the boy.

----

daughter was saying on friday night that if her mother tries to go for full custody she'll fight it as hard as she can.

that was switch.

i think "Mom exposure therapy" is working.

daughter is getting really unhappy with her mom stalling on the room re-doing and is getting seriously irritated with having to sleep in her mom's room (same bed). she says that it was ok at first but her mom always wants to hug her and cuddle up with her and daughter says it's starting to "get creepy" and "greeble her out" because it's like her "mom wants a cuddle replacement" for me.

daughter says "it's not like I married her"

----

daughter said that her grandmother was "nuts too"

this was the same night and flowing from the same cluster of conversation surrounding uncle molester.

i didn't ask for clarification on the nuts grandma statement. from son i know that grandma has been pushing stbx-Mrs_C and telling her what to do a lot recently. daughter is around for a lot more than son.

----

daughter is mad that auntie and grandma are saying she's getting fat. daughter thinks they're unhealthy. daughter is not fat - and i say that in an objective and not "fatherly" way. the girl isn't fat. she's really solid (muscular) and well built - to my eye she is perfectly proportioned.

daughter and son think their mother is unhealthy - stbx-Mrs_C has given up a huge amount of eating - she just skips eating most of the time - and her cigarette consumption is up.

stbx-Mrs_C is really a bit of a bag of bones at this point. she is the lightest she has ever been in her adult life (since age 17). she is now only about 125 lbs. too light for her size.

----

daughter didn't want to go home, but couldn't bring herself to go back on the not staying at the apartment thing.

while we were at supper i told daughter my parents would be home soon and that if daughter wanted some "refuge" she could go/stay/sleep over there. that i understood that it would be hard for her to come back to the apartment given the context. that if she didn't like it over there i was ok with that. that i knew that she might want to stand on principal in not staying over at my place, and that she might feel some pressure or retaliation from her mom (and aunt and grandma) if she were to stay at my place. but that my parents' place might be some shelter.

----

stbx-Mrs_C phoned on Sunday to apologise for her blow-out on friday. she talked about wanting good relations, and that her outburst was from having seen the lawyer. she said that she had built herself up with false hope when the lawyer talked about sometimes, out of the blue, people decide to reconcile.

i laid out a bunch of my recent thinking. i told her i wanted her in counselling and that i thought she needed it - and that i had thought she needed it since we were dating (18.5 years ago). i laid out some of the things i thought she needed to address with a counsellor, and the carry-overs from her childhood that i thought were still fucking her up.

she rebutted fairly intensely. i stuck to my guns. i cited some of her statements about how her mom beating her and her uncle molesting her had affected her and that while i agreed that her mom had done the best she could in many ways, her mom had failed her in a lot more ways, that all of it still left scars that were unhealed.

i was extremely even-toned throughout - but it still ended on a bit of a bad note.

stbx-Mrs_c called back shortly after. i let it ring through to me voice mail. i listened to her message and she was actually phoning to apologise and said that it was hard to hear that she was erratic and needed help.

she then called me again and repeated much of the same thing directly to me.

it's the first time she's ever admitted she might need outside professional help.

it's a positive sign.

i worry though (as correctly pointed out by Sicilian) that it is part of a maneuver to maintain contact and more "discussion". to just keep hanging on as she feels things slipping away even further. that if this is the only point of connection, that she will do whatever it takes to keep some contact and emotionally based connection.

----

all will be as all will be.

i just need to make sure i don't get sucked back into the swirl.

the [uncle molester] situation

[originally part of a comment answer to Terry and Sicilian on the last post]

no - daughter did not go to [uncle molestor's] house

grandma has allowed daughter to go over a couple of times over recent years when [auntie pacific-rim mail-order second wife] was there and [little sort-of cousin (first cousin once removed)] and uncle molestor was at work or not there

daughter is not allowed to be alone with uncle molestor ever - or at least that's my order - and stbx-Mrs_C has said that she told her mother that daughter was not to go over

and i think daughter will abide by such and is/will be wary of being sucked in to an alone situation

----

uncle molestor is grandma's much youngest brother - some 10 years older than stbx-Mrs_C and some 12 (or so) years younger than grandma

----

i have tried to enforce the full ban over the years but have had limited success with my banjo-picking, or rather, balalaika picking in-laws

to enforce the ban would require that they put the elephant on the table and admit the reason for the ban

and they don't want to air the dirty linen, now do they?

the last time i forced the dirty linen out - grandma disappeared for several days and there was more shit and kaboodle than you can imagine - and i was asked to back off by the sisters (including stbx-Mrs_C)

now i have less compunction, but i am saving it in my arsenal to defend my position with regard to custody

i am making a condition of our separation and divorce agreement that daughter never be at uncle molestor's house, and that daughter never be left alone at grandma's house (across the street from uncle molestor)

stbx-Mrs_C will either sign off on those conditions or i will take her and her family into court

that's also my leverage if things get nasty

----

sorry if that seems to be calculating, but this is a difficult situation to play out and i need to keep my nukes undeployed

daughter is as safe as she needs to be. no current purpose would be served by the confrontation on this subject. i can take care of that bit of mess in due time.

even if everything is settled as it needs to be without true ugliness, i'm not letting the uncle molestor situation go this time.

i am considering applying to the courst for court ordered counselling for stbx-Mrs_C with her childhood abuse and sexual abuse as the major component of the request

having her sign the agreement to not have daughter at uncle molestor's is one of the pieces to that goal

i still want stbx-Mrs_C to be healed and whole - she needs the help. she is hopelessly fucked up. i'm contemplating arranging my finances to pay for part of the sessions - it would only cost me about $400-$600 per year. stbx-Mrs_C will be pretty strapped for cash and her insurance will only pay about $600 per year - if she is in counselling every 3 weeks or so (at $90 or so per session) that would split out 3 ways relatively easily.

i imagine some of you will ask me why i should give a shit anymore, or if she deserves my thought or emotion. or my money.

i still want her to be healed - that's my biggest reason. i want her shit worked out for the sake of my kids. that's my answer when i catch shit from either my parents or from Smitten. and don't bag on about Smitten - she doesn't know this thought of mine yet, and may think it's the best idea since sliced bread - i am just anticpating - and don't say i should keep that factoid from her either. i try to avoid secrets, and it's kind of a significant event for me to pay for part of my ex's therapy - not one to say "oh, it wasn't important." or "i didn't think it was your business"

if i do it, she can either suck it up or not - same as anyone else. i have a personal agenda in my life and it still includes the notion of a healed and whole stbx-Mrs_C. I just won't be the one trying to heal her on a day-to-day basis. and i won't be having her in my life as anything more than the pick-up and drop-off on the other side of parenting.

stbx-Mrs_C says she wanted me to take some lead in our relationship/marriage? she'd better be careful what she wishes for, because my ideas may be different than hers.

yelling at me in the garage

i went to pick up the kids for supper. daughter wants to show me her new Barbie - she had tried to heat press her other one's hair with a hair straighter... (hey - she's 11)

while i was standing in the doorway stbx-Mrs_C asks me "How is your relationship with your girlfriend going?" I tell her that i do not think that is a subject for discussion between stbx-Mrs_C and I.

Then she tells me that she went to see her lawyer for about 2 hours. she tells me about the timeline she will be following in the next week or so. than she tells me that her lawyer is sending a note to mine asking if there is any chance of reconciliation. i tell her that they are professionally required to recommend and provide proof of attempts at reconciliation.

the kids are heading out the door to the vehicle. as i'm leaving she calls me back "come back here! i want to say something to you!" she snarls. i stop and go back in. "you kids get the hell out and close that door!" she barks. I'm seeing where this is probably going, but i can leave at any time.

"you're a fucking asshole!" she shouts loudly. "You're just a fucking asshole! you are a completely selfish bastard!"

it goes on like this for a minute or so. i let it go on. i intend to stay until she gets it out. i understand that anger and that rage. i want her to get it out - and i'm the best possible person for her to get it out on. she needs to release it. i can endure this without much difficulty.

she has so much hurt from her whole life.

i still want her to be healed and to be whole. i always have.

she stops to see my reaction

i say "are you done?"

she starts to cry "i would have done anything you wanted. i could have changed. i would have made the changes you wanted. i would have let you have control. i would have let you lead this marriage. i wanted you to take leadership, but when you didn't i took it."

i stare

she says "i've been dating a few other men, and i've realised that all those years i never had a husband. i always had to be the tower of strength. i had to do everything."

i say "you have never recognised any of the things i did do in our marriage. you have consistently dismissed my efforts. any time i tried to even voice an opinion you stamped it out. you wouldn't even let me pick groceries when you were around - i'd have to make a second trip to go back and get all the stuff you would refuse to get that we still needed. you say you wanted me to take some control? that may be so - like many things - you wanted it - but you would never allow it. you would always viciously seize back control and stamp out any thing that didn't originate with you. and you should have thought about the effects of your actions and your words every time you decided to go savage on me just to release some steam."

she starts to cry again "hold me" she says and holds out her arms to embrace me.

i say "no" and push her away.

"why not?"

"remember what happened last time you tried this? how'd that work out?"

she pushes forward and grabs me and hugs me. i am awkwardly pinned for a few moments. i kind of pat her back for a moment - i don't want to hurt her at a vulnerable moment.

she pushes her groin against mine and rubs a bit that way.

i push her off an say "i've got to go"

the kids are outside the garage goofing off and looking in through the window space on the garage - son is lifting daughter up high enough to see.

she starts raising her voice again "this is like suicide, you're quitting. you're a quitter! we could have made it work - but no it's all about you!"

i say "i tried it for a very long time. i tried everything from flowers to counselling."

she follows me out onto the driveway where my vehicle is parked and the kids are waiting.

"you didn't go to counselling - you just went to argue with the counsellor.! you didn't even try! it's all about you! you're breaking up a family here! it affects more than just you! no-one is happy! no one is happier!"

i get in the vehicle with the kids and drive away.

----

the kids are talking about anything but what just happened. i let them have a few minutes. i say "i'm sorry that you had to witness that. i had no idea that would happen. "

son says "i knew it from the minute we went in the door to get [daughter]"

daughter says "that's to be expected"

son says "i don't want to talk about it anymore. i'm tired of it."

daughter says "she nuts just like grandma."

son "that's one really unstable crew"

i say "there's a lot of pain and a lot of hurt that goes back a lot of years. there's a lot of healing that has to happen. the effects of the abuse - both beatings and the sexual abuse have never been properly dealt with"

daughter "yeah - and uncle [molestor] is getting even creepier. one time he invited me to come over to his house and [girl cousin from second marriage] wasn't even there" (i was horrified, but wasn't going to leap at that moment beause there were other issues to deal with)

son "i still want to beat the shit out of him for fucking up my life"

laughter from both kids

silence

"where do you want to go for supper?" i ask

more on the fridge

[first part written 3/30/07 4:34 PM]

i called my daughter up friday afternoon to see if she wanted to go out for supper with son and i. she had just come in from school. while she's yakking at me about school and things she's going through the fridge looking for stuff to eat.

she says "there's nothing to eat in this house except some yoghurt"

i say "nothing?"

she says "except for this roast - but it's gross - it tastes funny and it's fatty all over"

so i ask what else is in the fridge - she names off all the stuff she sees.

milk, juice, yoghurt, roast, a few carrots, 1 red bell pepper. she says in the cupboard there's only cereal. some bread in the freezer. no peanut butter or stuff like that. she says that the only stuff in the house that could be made fast is all cereals or carbs - and that her mom freaks on them when they make a carb based snack after school - yells and calls them "carbohydrate junkies" and says they're addicted to carbs.

daughter says that anything in the downstairs freezer worth eating (like a big dinner sized lasagna) would take at least a half hour to make.

i give her instructions on how to cut up and re-cook the meat to make it taste better. i tell her that if she's short of food she wants to eat she should make a list and tell her mom. she says she already did that - and told me that's what i told her the last time this happened. she says that she makes her list but her mom just eats all the stuff that's supposed to be reserved for after school snacks (microwave dinners [like michelina's and stuff], burritos, blah, blah) - or cooks the stuff that is easy enough for the kids to cook first, and then they're left with nothing (sound familiar? - remember me talking about buying fast cook pre-prepared for the couple of nutty nights with lessons and then she'd cook it first, leaving me scrambling on the busy night - same pattern as while we were married).

i told daughter i didn't have much more advice than that, and that they would have to approach their mom on the subject and make their own voices heard because she sure wasn't going to listen to me.

----

[this part written 3/31/07 9:40 am]

as for this being a new ploy to play me by the kids, i thought about that carefully and decided that it was real. i appreciate the warning, and have been warned by many a child of divorce about that. please do not stop warning me when you think you might be seeing it - i can be a little dull that way.

this isn't the first time on the food in the fridge thing:

from "Preparing For Their Arrival"

"Both son and daughter phoned me on the weekend before they left (without knowledge of the other's call) to complain that there was no food. There was food - but we're talking kids here - scroungable food."

from "Sunday Morning Coffee With Mrs_C"

"I told her I was pissed at the state of the house and the refrigerator since I left. I told her she bitches at the kids to eat healthily and then doesn't put any food in the friedge to eat - much more healthy food - they're home for summer vacation."

from "Round and Round we go..."

"Eventually we agreed to alter houshold schedules somewhat and change part of their diet so that there would be more crossover with my food so that they were eating more healthily too (more on the pre-prepared food crossover later)."

"On the dietary crossover. Last night Mrs_C tells me part of the reason that she wants to have their diets fit closer to mine is so that she can just heat up the food I make for myself instead of cooking if she's in a hurry or doesn't feel like cooking."

how do you go wrong on roast?

** adapted from an email exchange with Smitten **

i call [Son] this morning at 8:02 to tell him i'm leaving to drive him to school [blog note: he's at stbx-Mrs_C's this week], and he's asking me

"do you have any chili or anything to eat over there? all there is here is some roast beef that mom made and it really sucks. i don't know why. and i don't want to eat it. how do you go wrong on roast?"

so i pulled out a frozen quiche, nuked it a bit (enough to be able to cut it), and brought some of that for him along with a cut up apple (fresh fruit/food is not one of stbx-Mrs_C's strong points. she buys what she thinks everyone will eat (actually she buys what her mom bought) and then it sits on the counter because they don't like those kinds of apples and such - and they don't like to eat bananas every day... - and except for salad makings there's not much fresh vegetables)

Smitten: "hmm... that must have really bothered you."

it was more of a hassle than anything this morning

my children shouldn't eat like that. it's not good for them. she needs to make sure there is better variety.

i hope that food will be one of the things that will attract them to stay with me.

----

but it also just grates on me. she can cook better than that - why the fuck can't she make decent food for them.

i have this idea that the only reason she cooked tolerably for the last 19 years is for my benefit and to "keep up with the [Cadbury(ies)]"

this is exactly the sort of thing she did before we were married. she would buy some frozen or canned shit and eat that and then bitch about how it sucked. that's one of the reasons i went to all the trouble to make her food to take with her to [her out of town job location at the time] (which she would then savage me for taking so much time to cook instead of spending the last minutes/hours paying attention to her before she left [which i had done for days before - every minute possible])

----

hmm

i had no idea i was so pissed off until i started writing this reply

the issue was just sitting there as a little irksome, localised to this morning's request from [Son], until the nasty gastric belch above...

Smitten's reply:

"Your ideas about her cooking behaviour do not surprise me. Especially as she needs to prove her self with everything she does.

But when a person is

A) stripped away of their supports

B) becomes too comfortable

their abilities (or inabilities) begin to show through.

The true her is emerging.

And it is not nice.

-----------------------------

On the other hand, your true self is emerging as well - and it is good."

we'll see

boring update

work is piling up at work and in my activities outside of work. i am letting blogging slide. not because it is a low priority, but because all the other stuff is killing my ability to write anything but informational briefs - no creativity

looking at houses

sent more documents to stbx-Mrs_C about the shape of the settlement. told my lawyer to file the initial paperwork for the divorce. the petition to the court is being filed.

pushing stbx-Mrs_C pretty hard on the settlement front - in writing and verbally. i want it fucking settled.

once again it's my fault (according to her). i've been sending her documentation and settlement offers since last year (she hasn't responded yet - except verbally). i finally put deadlines into the documents. she didn't respond. I called her up and demanded to know the answer to the question of timeline. she says "well, all of a sudden it's in a hurry for you. i was taking my cue from you and proceeding at a leisurely pace. it didn't seem to matter to you."

i just about fucking lost my mind. but i just repeated the question "what's the timeline?" she said she's supposed to be seeing the bank this week and is seeing her new lawyer(s) on friday. she dumped the last ones because they wouldn't do what she wanted them to do. my lawyer says it's probably because if she asked them to do the stuff she told me she asked them to do they could be cited for professional misconduct - that is - they know they have no chance of presenting a successful argument (for her requests) under our jurisdiction's laws with relation to custody or property settlement - so they wouldn't do it.

we'll see what happens with these ones. if she doesn't give me a reasonable response this week i am going to apply to the courts to have the joint property settled.

after we hung up on the call she phones me back and says "so is this it? after this conversation is done is the only thing we're going to have to say to each other is 'here's the kids'?" i said "yeah - pretty much" [silence] "ok - bye" and i hung up.

---

just found more evidence in literature for my theory on intestinal malabsorption syndrome related to Smitten's medical issues. based on the literature review she has been taking vitamin courses (her own decisions based on my work - i said she should see a doctor) for some vitamins and nutrients she would be lacking if my guess is correct as to the location of the villi/mucosal damage.

she is busy and hasn't made the doctor visit a priority. the doctor didn't do anything or find anything previously. she also thinks this her doctor is more in the pill pusher zone and might not be open to this theory.

her diet and vitamin intake has altered based on my suggestions since i first started looking at all this. i have profiled the kinds of things she likes to eat based on my guesses about her sensitivities and the "sugars" various foods contain and have advised her of a set of dietary elements that would (if i'm right) lead to good health and agree with her palate. i also tried to factor in the sorts of things her kids will eat.

her reynaud's is the best it has been in decades. she didn't have to wear long underwear for anything but the coldest parts of this year. even her ex-husband remarked on the difference in her hand temperature and the fact that she didn't wear gloves as much.

incidence of abdominal bloating (not much externally - but quite uncomfortable) is much less. she is able to eat even things like some cheeses i have researched based on my guesses and they have caused no reactions. she feels much better - her seasonal affective disorder is less weighing - she had her most active February in at least 10 years.

one of the obvious artifacts of positive effectis that the terribly deep nail ridges she has had for decades are stopping. when you look at and feel her fingernails and toenails there is a radical difference right in the middle as they grow out. the new growth is smooth and shiny. the old growth is ridges and scuffed looking.

part of that may be attributable to mood lifts because i am in her life (her theory), but i am resting on the other changes to diet and such.

she had let things slide pretty bad. her medical troubles were just a big hassle and she just let it go because she was tired of it and didn't want to be a hassle for anyone to change their decisions or what they were making because of her.

before she had to guess - sometimes one thing would cause an issue, sometimes another. she couldn't figure out what the commonality could be between all these disparate foods.

i am pleased with the obvious success. it is both wonderful to help someone i love, and ego gratifying to be right. i like being right. being right about something this significant and that had defied solution previously is very ego gratifying.

in my marriage i wasn't right about very much... even when i was right.

---

I am helping Smitten.

She appreciates it very much.

My effort and thought is valued.

I am valued - and loved.

I'm not dead yet

since the 13th...

one of the big ethnic dance festivals was this last weekend. it's all volunteer labour from the parents and families. i was one of the principal organizers - volunteer organizer. i was the one to keep on top of whether everyone showed up as well as my own shifts.

didn't have much time to post

stbx-Mrs_C signed up for her shift using her unhyphenated name. my last name being dropped. i suspect she was making a point for my benefit. i could give a shit. i wanted her to just keep her own name to begin with when we got married - she was the one that insisted on going hyphenated - i actually had to persuade her not to take my name and drop her own.

son had his friends over - fed them the pickled octopus too - it was funny - especially the teenaged girls. they all ended up trying it, though. i have amazing powers of persuasion [heh]

went over to Smitten's on the weekend while son had his friends over. her daughter (8) was playing movie star dress-up with her friend. they were being starlets and i was play-acting the manservant for a laugh - at one point i offered her a foot massage (purely for humour effect). to my surprise she accepted. so i ended up doing foot massage. daughter was all giggles at first because she just said yes for a laugh, but then started seeing the benefit in foot massage. then she decided she needed a back and shoulder massage too. after awhile she decided she didn't want me to stop. it was kind of funny.

the friend thought massage was weird, so Smitten did some shoulder and neck work on the friend - friend's view changed as well

as i read the above i'm thinking "why the hell would you care?". but it's written anyway, so i'm leaving it in. it was a nice moment for me to be part of Smitten's family and to have her daughter trust me. and to have Smitten trust me (Smitten was there - but after stbx-Mrs_C and her issues... that's a big deal for me)

----

my daughter has been over a bunch of times this week because stbx-Mrs_C is working a later shift. she tried to stop daughter and throw some roadblocks in the way, but daughter has resisted a bit.

daughter has also been quite adamant about getting back to the house before stbx-Mrs_C, so I'm not sure her mom knows she's hanging with me. i should have asked, but i figured i'd let sleeping dogs lie.

got to go now

oh, also - this is one of the heaviest periods (couple of weeks) of the year at work in addition to my volunteer and parenting activities, so i'm a little bogged and a little flat in my writing

the next 6-8 weeks will also be fairly heavy, but not nuts like the last 2 weeks

daughter's visit

i asked daughter to visit on Monday night. i had extended the invitation the week before. i asked daughter if she wanted to stay overnight because her brother would not be there and she wouldn't have to share a room - since that was her stated problem with the apartment. she didn't answer.

on Sunday I called to ask again and she said she would "check", i told her it was OK if she just wanted to come over for supper and the evening.

on Monday she agreed to come over.

on the weekend i had made sure that i was prepared for her visit. i had bought dim sum, samosas, and a special culinary event - seafood antipasto. that would be: pickled octopus, pickled squid, and pickled rubbery other stuff...

[heh, heh, heh]

it's just weird enough that i knew she'd go for it. providence also made me later in getting off work (daughter was not waiting, she didn't answer the invite until i was literally heading out the door), and it was nice enough that i could wash my vehicle without it freezing up - so i picked her up and we went straight to the carwash.

she was mighty hungry when we got to my place. i quick put the wok on to steam the dim sum and tossed the samosas into the toaster oven. then i told her about the surprise - and pulled out this jar. it's a $10.00 medium sized pickle jar - about a quart (litre) full of this stuff. she recognised the squid rings through the side before even seeing the label.


i pulled out some plates, opened it up and discovered that not only was there octopus - but it was whole octopus. these little purple whole octopi about 3 inches around.

daughter was looking at me for reaction so i quickly ate one whole (i happen to like pickled octopus - all you ladies with husbands that like pickled eggs should take note - they'll like these too!!! [heh]). daughter picked it up and gingerly nibbled a leg off.

now daughter likes sqid/calamari, she also likes pickled eggs, she has talked about octopus in the past - so she wasn't dead set against it.

she liked it. she ate the whole thing, and a couple more. she was relishing in the "grossness" of eating it and enjoying them. the funniest line was when she said "do these have brains? where's their brain?" i told her it was in the part she'd just bitten off. "gross!!! i just ate octopus brains! uuuuuhhhhh!!!!" [laughter] and she ate the rest.

we stopped after a few more and filled the rest of our plates with the other food.

we ate sitting on the couch and watched Superman Returns

it was a good evening. we talked and connected well.

as the movie was coming to a close my cell phone rang. it was Smitten. i hit pause and answered. she asked me what i was doing. i answered "watching a movie with [daughter]" my tone implied that it was not a good time to talk. Smitten was also immediately backing off of talking. The call ended quickly.

A few minutes later she called back. She opened with saying she felt uncomfortable with the last call and that she wanted to clarify how she felt. With the moive on pause I got up and walked to my bedroom. Smitten was unhappy with how she had just ditched the call, and how she was unhappy that her fear of daughter's reaction, and her fear of daughter reporting back to stbx-Mrs_C and that causing some spaz had caused her to run by ending the call without saying good-night. that she wasn't going to give an 11 year old that much power over her, or give stbx-Mrs_C that much power. That even if daughter was over that we would still be able to take a minute to say good-night.

I said "you're right". she said it wasn't about her being right. i said i understood, but that she was right anyway. that my tone and response had communicated that it was a *wrong time to call*. that it was a wrong way to handle the situation.

i told Smitten that she was right. that once again she was modelling appropriate responses for me. that instead of running away and burying my relationship with her for fear of any sensitivities that may be involved with daughter, that daughter would have to move enough to allow us that minute.

we said good-night and i returned to the movie.

after it was done i spoke to daughter about the calls and told her that i had realised that i wasn't being a very good role model. that even if there was a friction [later edit: a friction with daughter and stbx-Mrs_C] with regard to my relationship with Smitten, that it was poor parenting and role modelling on my part to try to hide it, or to run from the situation. that part of the reason i had left was to grow a set of balls. to learn to stand up in situations like that and say what i wanted. and that i loved daughter very much, and that she was an essential priority in my life, but that there was still room for a single minute or two for me to say good night. i told her that neither of the calls had been Smitten giving me shit - far from it - but that i had realised that i had handled it all wrong for fear of estranging myself from daughter. but that i didn't want to live a life filled with fear and things left unsaid anymore - a life of control or limitation through assumption and misunderstanding. i said a few other things covering the same ground.

daughter didn't say anything. she sort of said OK and then changed the subject.

we packed up some octopus for her brother, and some for her to take to school to gross out her girl friends. our parting had still some emotional overtone, but was laughter filled. daughter gave me a spontaneous big wet kiss as she left my vehicle to walk into the house.

i called Smitten and described how i had handled the situation and talked to her a little more. She said she hadn't expected such a response and that while it fit my character, was uncharacteristic of most people - that there were times in difficult, unstable, or emotional situations that i have a directness that is uncommon.

i guess people either are able to be more *sensitive* or indirectly address issues if they choose to deal with them, or they avoid dealing with them. my more direct style of analysis and discussion is apparently "different".

got to go to dance - see you later