the [uncle molester] situation

[originally part of a comment answer to Terry and Sicilian on the last post]

no - daughter did not go to [uncle molestor's] house

grandma has allowed daughter to go over a couple of times over recent years when [auntie pacific-rim mail-order second wife] was there and [little sort-of cousin (first cousin once removed)] and uncle molestor was at work or not there

daughter is not allowed to be alone with uncle molestor ever - or at least that's my order - and stbx-Mrs_C has said that she told her mother that daughter was not to go over

and i think daughter will abide by such and is/will be wary of being sucked in to an alone situation

----

uncle molestor is grandma's much youngest brother - some 10 years older than stbx-Mrs_C and some 12 (or so) years younger than grandma

----

i have tried to enforce the full ban over the years but have had limited success with my banjo-picking, or rather, balalaika picking in-laws

to enforce the ban would require that they put the elephant on the table and admit the reason for the ban

and they don't want to air the dirty linen, now do they?

the last time i forced the dirty linen out - grandma disappeared for several days and there was more shit and kaboodle than you can imagine - and i was asked to back off by the sisters (including stbx-Mrs_C)

now i have less compunction, but i am saving it in my arsenal to defend my position with regard to custody

i am making a condition of our separation and divorce agreement that daughter never be at uncle molestor's house, and that daughter never be left alone at grandma's house (across the street from uncle molestor)

stbx-Mrs_C will either sign off on those conditions or i will take her and her family into court

that's also my leverage if things get nasty

----

sorry if that seems to be calculating, but this is a difficult situation to play out and i need to keep my nukes undeployed

daughter is as safe as she needs to be. no current purpose would be served by the confrontation on this subject. i can take care of that bit of mess in due time.

even if everything is settled as it needs to be without true ugliness, i'm not letting the uncle molestor situation go this time.

i am considering applying to the courst for court ordered counselling for stbx-Mrs_C with her childhood abuse and sexual abuse as the major component of the request

having her sign the agreement to not have daughter at uncle molestor's is one of the pieces to that goal

i still want stbx-Mrs_C to be healed and whole - she needs the help. she is hopelessly fucked up. i'm contemplating arranging my finances to pay for part of the sessions - it would only cost me about $400-$600 per year. stbx-Mrs_C will be pretty strapped for cash and her insurance will only pay about $600 per year - if she is in counselling every 3 weeks or so (at $90 or so per session) that would split out 3 ways relatively easily.

i imagine some of you will ask me why i should give a shit anymore, or if she deserves my thought or emotion. or my money.

i still want her to be healed - that's my biggest reason. i want her shit worked out for the sake of my kids. that's my answer when i catch shit from either my parents or from Smitten. and don't bag on about Smitten - she doesn't know this thought of mine yet, and may think it's the best idea since sliced bread - i am just anticpating - and don't say i should keep that factoid from her either. i try to avoid secrets, and it's kind of a significant event for me to pay for part of my ex's therapy - not one to say "oh, it wasn't important." or "i didn't think it was your business"

if i do it, she can either suck it up or not - same as anyone else. i have a personal agenda in my life and it still includes the notion of a healed and whole stbx-Mrs_C. I just won't be the one trying to heal her on a day-to-day basis. and i won't be having her in my life as anything more than the pick-up and drop-off on the other side of parenting.

stbx-Mrs_C says she wanted me to take some lead in our relationship/marriage? she'd better be careful what she wishes for, because my ideas may be different than hers.

yelling at me in the garage

i went to pick up the kids for supper. daughter wants to show me her new Barbie - she had tried to heat press her other one's hair with a hair straighter... (hey - she's 11)

while i was standing in the doorway stbx-Mrs_C asks me "How is your relationship with your girlfriend going?" I tell her that i do not think that is a subject for discussion between stbx-Mrs_C and I.

Then she tells me that she went to see her lawyer for about 2 hours. she tells me about the timeline she will be following in the next week or so. than she tells me that her lawyer is sending a note to mine asking if there is any chance of reconciliation. i tell her that they are professionally required to recommend and provide proof of attempts at reconciliation.

the kids are heading out the door to the vehicle. as i'm leaving she calls me back "come back here! i want to say something to you!" she snarls. i stop and go back in. "you kids get the hell out and close that door!" she barks. I'm seeing where this is probably going, but i can leave at any time.

"you're a fucking asshole!" she shouts loudly. "You're just a fucking asshole! you are a completely selfish bastard!"

it goes on like this for a minute or so. i let it go on. i intend to stay until she gets it out. i understand that anger and that rage. i want her to get it out - and i'm the best possible person for her to get it out on. she needs to release it. i can endure this without much difficulty.

she has so much hurt from her whole life.

i still want her to be healed and to be whole. i always have.

she stops to see my reaction

i say "are you done?"

she starts to cry "i would have done anything you wanted. i could have changed. i would have made the changes you wanted. i would have let you have control. i would have let you lead this marriage. i wanted you to take leadership, but when you didn't i took it."

i stare

she says "i've been dating a few other men, and i've realised that all those years i never had a husband. i always had to be the tower of strength. i had to do everything."

i say "you have never recognised any of the things i did do in our marriage. you have consistently dismissed my efforts. any time i tried to even voice an opinion you stamped it out. you wouldn't even let me pick groceries when you were around - i'd have to make a second trip to go back and get all the stuff you would refuse to get that we still needed. you say you wanted me to take some control? that may be so - like many things - you wanted it - but you would never allow it. you would always viciously seize back control and stamp out any thing that didn't originate with you. and you should have thought about the effects of your actions and your words every time you decided to go savage on me just to release some steam."

she starts to cry again "hold me" she says and holds out her arms to embrace me.

i say "no" and push her away.

"why not?"

"remember what happened last time you tried this? how'd that work out?"

she pushes forward and grabs me and hugs me. i am awkwardly pinned for a few moments. i kind of pat her back for a moment - i don't want to hurt her at a vulnerable moment.

she pushes her groin against mine and rubs a bit that way.

i push her off an say "i've got to go"

the kids are outside the garage goofing off and looking in through the window space on the garage - son is lifting daughter up high enough to see.

she starts raising her voice again "this is like suicide, you're quitting. you're a quitter! we could have made it work - but no it's all about you!"

i say "i tried it for a very long time. i tried everything from flowers to counselling."

she follows me out onto the driveway where my vehicle is parked and the kids are waiting.

"you didn't go to counselling - you just went to argue with the counsellor.! you didn't even try! it's all about you! you're breaking up a family here! it affects more than just you! no-one is happy! no one is happier!"

i get in the vehicle with the kids and drive away.

----

the kids are talking about anything but what just happened. i let them have a few minutes. i say "i'm sorry that you had to witness that. i had no idea that would happen. "

son says "i knew it from the minute we went in the door to get [daughter]"

daughter says "that's to be expected"

son says "i don't want to talk about it anymore. i'm tired of it."

daughter says "she nuts just like grandma."

son "that's one really unstable crew"

i say "there's a lot of pain and a lot of hurt that goes back a lot of years. there's a lot of healing that has to happen. the effects of the abuse - both beatings and the sexual abuse have never been properly dealt with"

daughter "yeah - and uncle [molestor] is getting even creepier. one time he invited me to come over to his house and [girl cousin from second marriage] wasn't even there" (i was horrified, but wasn't going to leap at that moment beause there were other issues to deal with)

son "i still want to beat the shit out of him for fucking up my life"

laughter from both kids

silence

"where do you want to go for supper?" i ask

more on the fridge

[first part written 3/30/07 4:34 PM]

i called my daughter up friday afternoon to see if she wanted to go out for supper with son and i. she had just come in from school. while she's yakking at me about school and things she's going through the fridge looking for stuff to eat.

she says "there's nothing to eat in this house except some yoghurt"

i say "nothing?"

she says "except for this roast - but it's gross - it tastes funny and it's fatty all over"

so i ask what else is in the fridge - she names off all the stuff she sees.

milk, juice, yoghurt, roast, a few carrots, 1 red bell pepper. she says in the cupboard there's only cereal. some bread in the freezer. no peanut butter or stuff like that. she says that the only stuff in the house that could be made fast is all cereals or carbs - and that her mom freaks on them when they make a carb based snack after school - yells and calls them "carbohydrate junkies" and says they're addicted to carbs.

daughter says that anything in the downstairs freezer worth eating (like a big dinner sized lasagna) would take at least a half hour to make.

i give her instructions on how to cut up and re-cook the meat to make it taste better. i tell her that if she's short of food she wants to eat she should make a list and tell her mom. she says she already did that - and told me that's what i told her the last time this happened. she says that she makes her list but her mom just eats all the stuff that's supposed to be reserved for after school snacks (microwave dinners [like michelina's and stuff], burritos, blah, blah) - or cooks the stuff that is easy enough for the kids to cook first, and then they're left with nothing (sound familiar? - remember me talking about buying fast cook pre-prepared for the couple of nutty nights with lessons and then she'd cook it first, leaving me scrambling on the busy night - same pattern as while we were married).

i told daughter i didn't have much more advice than that, and that they would have to approach their mom on the subject and make their own voices heard because she sure wasn't going to listen to me.

----

[this part written 3/31/07 9:40 am]

as for this being a new ploy to play me by the kids, i thought about that carefully and decided that it was real. i appreciate the warning, and have been warned by many a child of divorce about that. please do not stop warning me when you think you might be seeing it - i can be a little dull that way.

this isn't the first time on the food in the fridge thing:

from "Preparing For Their Arrival"

"Both son and daughter phoned me on the weekend before they left (without knowledge of the other's call) to complain that there was no food. There was food - but we're talking kids here - scroungable food."

from "Sunday Morning Coffee With Mrs_C"

"I told her I was pissed at the state of the house and the refrigerator since I left. I told her she bitches at the kids to eat healthily and then doesn't put any food in the friedge to eat - much more healthy food - they're home for summer vacation."

from "Round and Round we go..."

"Eventually we agreed to alter houshold schedules somewhat and change part of their diet so that there would be more crossover with my food so that they were eating more healthily too (more on the pre-prepared food crossover later)."

"On the dietary crossover. Last night Mrs_C tells me part of the reason that she wants to have their diets fit closer to mine is so that she can just heat up the food I make for myself instead of cooking if she's in a hurry or doesn't feel like cooking."

how do you go wrong on roast?

** adapted from an email exchange with Smitten **

i call [Son] this morning at 8:02 to tell him i'm leaving to drive him to school [blog note: he's at stbx-Mrs_C's this week], and he's asking me

"do you have any chili or anything to eat over there? all there is here is some roast beef that mom made and it really sucks. i don't know why. and i don't want to eat it. how do you go wrong on roast?"

so i pulled out a frozen quiche, nuked it a bit (enough to be able to cut it), and brought some of that for him along with a cut up apple (fresh fruit/food is not one of stbx-Mrs_C's strong points. she buys what she thinks everyone will eat (actually she buys what her mom bought) and then it sits on the counter because they don't like those kinds of apples and such - and they don't like to eat bananas every day... - and except for salad makings there's not much fresh vegetables)

Smitten: "hmm... that must have really bothered you."

it was more of a hassle than anything this morning

my children shouldn't eat like that. it's not good for them. she needs to make sure there is better variety.

i hope that food will be one of the things that will attract them to stay with me.

----

but it also just grates on me. she can cook better than that - why the fuck can't she make decent food for them.

i have this idea that the only reason she cooked tolerably for the last 19 years is for my benefit and to "keep up with the [Cadbury(ies)]"

this is exactly the sort of thing she did before we were married. she would buy some frozen or canned shit and eat that and then bitch about how it sucked. that's one of the reasons i went to all the trouble to make her food to take with her to [her out of town job location at the time] (which she would then savage me for taking so much time to cook instead of spending the last minutes/hours paying attention to her before she left [which i had done for days before - every minute possible])

----

hmm

i had no idea i was so pissed off until i started writing this reply

the issue was just sitting there as a little irksome, localised to this morning's request from [Son], until the nasty gastric belch above...

Smitten's reply:

"Your ideas about her cooking behaviour do not surprise me. Especially as she needs to prove her self with everything she does.

But when a person is

A) stripped away of their supports

B) becomes too comfortable

their abilities (or inabilities) begin to show through.

The true her is emerging.

And it is not nice.

-----------------------------

On the other hand, your true self is emerging as well - and it is good."

we'll see

boring update

work is piling up at work and in my activities outside of work. i am letting blogging slide. not because it is a low priority, but because all the other stuff is killing my ability to write anything but informational briefs - no creativity

looking at houses

sent more documents to stbx-Mrs_C about the shape of the settlement. told my lawyer to file the initial paperwork for the divorce. the petition to the court is being filed.

pushing stbx-Mrs_C pretty hard on the settlement front - in writing and verbally. i want it fucking settled.

once again it's my fault (according to her). i've been sending her documentation and settlement offers since last year (she hasn't responded yet - except verbally). i finally put deadlines into the documents. she didn't respond. I called her up and demanded to know the answer to the question of timeline. she says "well, all of a sudden it's in a hurry for you. i was taking my cue from you and proceeding at a leisurely pace. it didn't seem to matter to you."

i just about fucking lost my mind. but i just repeated the question "what's the timeline?" she said she's supposed to be seeing the bank this week and is seeing her new lawyer(s) on friday. she dumped the last ones because they wouldn't do what she wanted them to do. my lawyer says it's probably because if she asked them to do the stuff she told me she asked them to do they could be cited for professional misconduct - that is - they know they have no chance of presenting a successful argument (for her requests) under our jurisdiction's laws with relation to custody or property settlement - so they wouldn't do it.

we'll see what happens with these ones. if she doesn't give me a reasonable response this week i am going to apply to the courts to have the joint property settled.

after we hung up on the call she phones me back and says "so is this it? after this conversation is done is the only thing we're going to have to say to each other is 'here's the kids'?" i said "yeah - pretty much" [silence] "ok - bye" and i hung up.

---

just found more evidence in literature for my theory on intestinal malabsorption syndrome related to Smitten's medical issues. based on the literature review she has been taking vitamin courses (her own decisions based on my work - i said she should see a doctor) for some vitamins and nutrients she would be lacking if my guess is correct as to the location of the villi/mucosal damage.

she is busy and hasn't made the doctor visit a priority. the doctor didn't do anything or find anything previously. she also thinks this her doctor is more in the pill pusher zone and might not be open to this theory.

her diet and vitamin intake has altered based on my suggestions since i first started looking at all this. i have profiled the kinds of things she likes to eat based on my guesses about her sensitivities and the "sugars" various foods contain and have advised her of a set of dietary elements that would (if i'm right) lead to good health and agree with her palate. i also tried to factor in the sorts of things her kids will eat.

her reynaud's is the best it has been in decades. she didn't have to wear long underwear for anything but the coldest parts of this year. even her ex-husband remarked on the difference in her hand temperature and the fact that she didn't wear gloves as much.

incidence of abdominal bloating (not much externally - but quite uncomfortable) is much less. she is able to eat even things like some cheeses i have researched based on my guesses and they have caused no reactions. she feels much better - her seasonal affective disorder is less weighing - she had her most active February in at least 10 years.

one of the obvious artifacts of positive effectis that the terribly deep nail ridges she has had for decades are stopping. when you look at and feel her fingernails and toenails there is a radical difference right in the middle as they grow out. the new growth is smooth and shiny. the old growth is ridges and scuffed looking.

part of that may be attributable to mood lifts because i am in her life (her theory), but i am resting on the other changes to diet and such.

she had let things slide pretty bad. her medical troubles were just a big hassle and she just let it go because she was tired of it and didn't want to be a hassle for anyone to change their decisions or what they were making because of her.

before she had to guess - sometimes one thing would cause an issue, sometimes another. she couldn't figure out what the commonality could be between all these disparate foods.

i am pleased with the obvious success. it is both wonderful to help someone i love, and ego gratifying to be right. i like being right. being right about something this significant and that had defied solution previously is very ego gratifying.

in my marriage i wasn't right about very much... even when i was right.

---

I am helping Smitten.

She appreciates it very much.

My effort and thought is valued.

I am valued - and loved.

I'm not dead yet

since the 13th...

one of the big ethnic dance festivals was this last weekend. it's all volunteer labour from the parents and families. i was one of the principal organizers - volunteer organizer. i was the one to keep on top of whether everyone showed up as well as my own shifts.

didn't have much time to post

stbx-Mrs_C signed up for her shift using her unhyphenated name. my last name being dropped. i suspect she was making a point for my benefit. i could give a shit. i wanted her to just keep her own name to begin with when we got married - she was the one that insisted on going hyphenated - i actually had to persuade her not to take my name and drop her own.

son had his friends over - fed them the pickled octopus too - it was funny - especially the teenaged girls. they all ended up trying it, though. i have amazing powers of persuasion [heh]

went over to Smitten's on the weekend while son had his friends over. her daughter (8) was playing movie star dress-up with her friend. they were being starlets and i was play-acting the manservant for a laugh - at one point i offered her a foot massage (purely for humour effect). to my surprise she accepted. so i ended up doing foot massage. daughter was all giggles at first because she just said yes for a laugh, but then started seeing the benefit in foot massage. then she decided she needed a back and shoulder massage too. after awhile she decided she didn't want me to stop. it was kind of funny.

the friend thought massage was weird, so Smitten did some shoulder and neck work on the friend - friend's view changed as well

as i read the above i'm thinking "why the hell would you care?". but it's written anyway, so i'm leaving it in. it was a nice moment for me to be part of Smitten's family and to have her daughter trust me. and to have Smitten trust me (Smitten was there - but after stbx-Mrs_C and her issues... that's a big deal for me)

----

my daughter has been over a bunch of times this week because stbx-Mrs_C is working a later shift. she tried to stop daughter and throw some roadblocks in the way, but daughter has resisted a bit.

daughter has also been quite adamant about getting back to the house before stbx-Mrs_C, so I'm not sure her mom knows she's hanging with me. i should have asked, but i figured i'd let sleeping dogs lie.

got to go now

oh, also - this is one of the heaviest periods (couple of weeks) of the year at work in addition to my volunteer and parenting activities, so i'm a little bogged and a little flat in my writing

the next 6-8 weeks will also be fairly heavy, but not nuts like the last 2 weeks

daughter's visit

i asked daughter to visit on Monday night. i had extended the invitation the week before. i asked daughter if she wanted to stay overnight because her brother would not be there and she wouldn't have to share a room - since that was her stated problem with the apartment. she didn't answer.

on Sunday I called to ask again and she said she would "check", i told her it was OK if she just wanted to come over for supper and the evening.

on Monday she agreed to come over.

on the weekend i had made sure that i was prepared for her visit. i had bought dim sum, samosas, and a special culinary event - seafood antipasto. that would be: pickled octopus, pickled squid, and pickled rubbery other stuff...

[heh, heh, heh]

it's just weird enough that i knew she'd go for it. providence also made me later in getting off work (daughter was not waiting, she didn't answer the invite until i was literally heading out the door), and it was nice enough that i could wash my vehicle without it freezing up - so i picked her up and we went straight to the carwash.

she was mighty hungry when we got to my place. i quick put the wok on to steam the dim sum and tossed the samosas into the toaster oven. then i told her about the surprise - and pulled out this jar. it's a $10.00 medium sized pickle jar - about a quart (litre) full of this stuff. she recognised the squid rings through the side before even seeing the label.


i pulled out some plates, opened it up and discovered that not only was there octopus - but it was whole octopus. these little purple whole octopi about 3 inches around.

daughter was looking at me for reaction so i quickly ate one whole (i happen to like pickled octopus - all you ladies with husbands that like pickled eggs should take note - they'll like these too!!! [heh]). daughter picked it up and gingerly nibbled a leg off.

now daughter likes sqid/calamari, she also likes pickled eggs, she has talked about octopus in the past - so she wasn't dead set against it.

she liked it. she ate the whole thing, and a couple more. she was relishing in the "grossness" of eating it and enjoying them. the funniest line was when she said "do these have brains? where's their brain?" i told her it was in the part she'd just bitten off. "gross!!! i just ate octopus brains! uuuuuhhhhh!!!!" [laughter] and she ate the rest.

we stopped after a few more and filled the rest of our plates with the other food.

we ate sitting on the couch and watched Superman Returns

it was a good evening. we talked and connected well.

as the movie was coming to a close my cell phone rang. it was Smitten. i hit pause and answered. she asked me what i was doing. i answered "watching a movie with [daughter]" my tone implied that it was not a good time to talk. Smitten was also immediately backing off of talking. The call ended quickly.

A few minutes later she called back. She opened with saying she felt uncomfortable with the last call and that she wanted to clarify how she felt. With the moive on pause I got up and walked to my bedroom. Smitten was unhappy with how she had just ditched the call, and how she was unhappy that her fear of daughter's reaction, and her fear of daughter reporting back to stbx-Mrs_C and that causing some spaz had caused her to run by ending the call without saying good-night. that she wasn't going to give an 11 year old that much power over her, or give stbx-Mrs_C that much power. That even if daughter was over that we would still be able to take a minute to say good-night.

I said "you're right". she said it wasn't about her being right. i said i understood, but that she was right anyway. that my tone and response had communicated that it was a *wrong time to call*. that it was a wrong way to handle the situation.

i told Smitten that she was right. that once again she was modelling appropriate responses for me. that instead of running away and burying my relationship with her for fear of any sensitivities that may be involved with daughter, that daughter would have to move enough to allow us that minute.

we said good-night and i returned to the movie.

after it was done i spoke to daughter about the calls and told her that i had realised that i wasn't being a very good role model. that even if there was a friction [later edit: a friction with daughter and stbx-Mrs_C] with regard to my relationship with Smitten, that it was poor parenting and role modelling on my part to try to hide it, or to run from the situation. that part of the reason i had left was to grow a set of balls. to learn to stand up in situations like that and say what i wanted. and that i loved daughter very much, and that she was an essential priority in my life, but that there was still room for a single minute or two for me to say good night. i told her that neither of the calls had been Smitten giving me shit - far from it - but that i had realised that i had handled it all wrong for fear of estranging myself from daughter. but that i didn't want to live a life filled with fear and things left unsaid anymore - a life of control or limitation through assumption and misunderstanding. i said a few other things covering the same ground.

daughter didn't say anything. she sort of said OK and then changed the subject.

we packed up some octopus for her brother, and some for her to take to school to gross out her girl friends. our parting had still some emotional overtone, but was laughter filled. daughter gave me a spontaneous big wet kiss as she left my vehicle to walk into the house.

i called Smitten and described how i had handled the situation and talked to her a little more. She said she hadn't expected such a response and that while it fit my character, was uncharacteristic of most people - that there were times in difficult, unstable, or emotional situations that i have a directness that is uncommon.

i guess people either are able to be more *sensitive* or indirectly address issues if they choose to deal with them, or they avoid dealing with them. my more direct style of analysis and discussion is apparently "different".

got to go to dance - see you later

fantasies... (part 1)

I was going to discuss, in a series of posts, how my dreams and my fantasies for my marriage went from happy to escapist to angry - and finally to retributive fantasies.

I can't write that whole sequence now. Maybe sometime later when it's all worked through. Maybe after addressing it further with my counsellor. After finding the language to write it down. I began to write it but found it very difficult. You see, my dreams and fantasies went from happy and loving to violent and forcible - both interpersonal and sexually. In the beginning it was about being suddenly rich (like the lotto) and whisking her away from here and then she'd love me. And then it moved. And it moved some more. To when she would throw my hands away - or push me away from her - to thoughts of forcing her to have sex. The first of those would end with her realising she wanted to sleep with me after I forced her - and then she'd want to have sex consistently once the initial resistance was overcome - that maybe she'd love me again. To the simply retaliatory after we split.

That's hard to admit for a guy (me) who is pretty adamant about feminism and about the physical security of women. After marching in protests, and being invited to speak at rallies because of my work on the issue.

You will recall that I left Mrs_C after smashing the wall in the garage. I hated where I had gone. What I was becoming.

I didn't hit Mrs_C except for the one incident where I struck her shoulder. I never forced my self on her sexually or was inappropriate sexually.

I have fear of what even the above already written words will say to women who read my words. You. My friends. I hate the idea of being just another man - of being thought of as an abusive male.

I tried very hard to come to terms with the thoughts and feelings and to make it go away. To stop the anger and the rage. When it didn't work I decided I had to rid it from my soul. I began to research. I had to understand why I was feeling the way I was, and why I was thinking about the things I was. It has been weighing heavily on my mind this week.

I spent a bunch of time googling terms like:

sexual expression violence men
why sexual expression violence anger men
sexual expression violence anger men
anger and sexuality male

I tried to find reference books - but could only find journal articles. Most of the research revolves around offenders. I'm not that.

I also spent a lot of time googling:

anger erectile dysfunction cause
emotional trauma men erectile dysfunction
emotional trauma erectile dysfunction

Because that's the other part of the equation. I have been having a terrible time of things sexually. To put it bluntly - if i can even get it up, i'm having problems having an orgasm. A far cry from the early days of my current relationship.

It's not that the equipment doesn't work, it's just that it works when i'm dreaming, and it will also work when i think about hurting her. About dominating and forcing her. [later edit: i was reading an email comment and reviewing this post and realised that it is imprecise who her is in this sentence. the her referred to is stbx-Mrs_C. i have no domination fantasies about Smitten. None. Nada]

There. I suppose it's said now.

I spent a bunch of time researching it because I am ashamed of my reaction and thoughts. I was trying to find something to help me say that even though it conflicts with what I believe, I'm not a bad person... I found some interesting information, but that's for later, I suppose.

The erectile dysfunction affects Smitten - I am not the lover I want to be. She has been very loving and generous in how she has dealt with it. She is an amazing woman.

I adore her. But the impulses have been condition so long to find arousal in the rejection/accession/whining/wheedling/power struggle that it has impaired my normal arousal cycle. It's called impulse conditioning.

I talked to Smitten about my dysfunction and about the problems and the fantasies that I had/have. About the anger and the rage. I brought all my research with me. Some 3 or 4 inches of solid paper - articles that deal with the subjects surrounding my issues - some articles that provide insight into what's going on in my head.

I had prepared her previously by alluding to the anger, and making a roundabout references. I had sent her some research along the way that dealt with rage reactions among abuse survivors - most of them sexual abuse and male on male sexual abuse - but enough parallels that it was useful. She had a good idea of why I was sending the stuff and what i was leading up to. It was fully telegraphed.

Here are some phrases that show up in the literature surrounding rage reactions - sexual rage reactions in abused males - both offenders and non-offenders:

"haughty and rejecting"
"humiliated and powerless"
"shame-anger loops"
"humiliated fury"

On friday night I laid it out. In a lot more detail than this post. My feelings and the research. It was a very, very difficult thing to do to expose myself that much - and about a subject that I have such shame over. Both the powerlessness of being abused and my fantasy response(s). I was quite worried that the disclosures would end my relationship.

Smitten has worked with sexual offenders/predators. She says that to her view I share nothing in common with those people.

She says that I exhibit all the standard characteristics of female abuse survivors. Smitten said that dreams and fantasies of violence - especially violent reprisal - are common among abuse survivors.

She says that sexually violent/forcible sex fantasies in a male (me) who had been belittled, systematically stripped of personal power and humiliated in that arena would seem a likely and logical response. That the relational and sexual rejection would be the most damaging point to hurt me - and that would be where anger would come back out - the ego (in the psychology sense of the word) attempting to reassert itself.

She said that there are at least a half a dozen theories that would explain such a reaction - especially since it is not a generalised reaction toward all women - just one.

I found this article which seems to support that view:

" But many influential psychoanalysts are focusing on the sometimes subtle difficulties in intimate relationships that such fantasies can create, and on the range of purposes they serve, from filling empty relationships and allaying depression to bolstering self-esteem.

The new thinking holds that deep within such adult fantasies as having an obedient harem of love slaves or an urge for sexual humiliation lurk infantile longings such as for an attentive love or the need to overcome a profound sense of powerlessness.

But the fantasies cannot help repair such emotional traumas, the psychoanalysts say, in part because they make those who rely on them emotionally unavailable to their partners."

"Other therapists who specialize in sexual problems, however, take a more benign view of perverse fantasies, seeing them as of concern only when they cause a person distress. Indeed, few people enter therapy because they are unhappy with their sexual fantasies.

To avoid the stigma of "perversion," the official psychiatric diagnosis uses the inelegant term "paraphilia." The diagnosis of paraphilia is made only if someone has intense, unusual sexual fantasies, and is compelled to act them out or is distressed by them.

But the new psychoanalytic view emphasizes the role perverse fantasies play in a person's emotional life. "In perversion, affirmations of self-esteem and security blend with sexuality," said Dr. Louise Kaplan, a psychologist at the Margaret Mahler

Research Foundation in New York City. "The erotic pleasure in a perverse act is secondary to the emotional reassurance it offers."

In this view, the scenario of a perverse fantasy is a disguised repetition of a childhood emotional trauma. But because the fantasy brings sexual pleasure, the perversion becomes a way to turn childhood trauma into a triumph of sorts.

Freud and Fixations

For example, Dr. Sheldon Bach, a psychologist at New York University, wrote in Dr. Fogel's book about a patient whose fantasies were of tying women up and raping them. The man traced the origin of his fantasy to feeling as a child that neither parent took much pleasure in him. He could not believe that anyone would want to love him. In his words, the total control meant, emotionally, that "she would always be there." "

"Dr. Arnold Cooper, a psychiatrist at Cornell University. "In the fantasy, you can control what you once were a victim of, and get pleasure from it. But the cost is a damaged capacity for loving.""

"People are most likely to engage in perverse fantasies at times of emotional distress. "The occasional pervert, which may include the majority of people, feels the pressure for perverse action" mainly when under stress, Dr. Cooper said."

New York Times Article

There is little discussion or even much research on men who are in abusive relationships where the woman is the abuser. The material is pretty minimal. Most of it is written by non-professional "men's rights activists". Many of whom I don't care for - or their ideas.

But abused men do go through almost identical issues as women do.

. Feelings of guilt
. Powerless
. Concern regarding their safety
. Denial
. Shock
. Anger
. Depression
. Anxiety"

I did find one interesting study result about erectile dysfunction:

"Depression and anger were highly correlated with erectile dysfunction."

"Maximal level of anger (either suppression or expression, as defined by Spielberger's anger scales) was associated with approximately 75% erectile dysfunction, double the erectile dysfunction prevalence among men who reported minimal anger."

http://www.psychiatrist.com/pcc/pccpdf/v04s03/v63s0502.pdf

It was hurtful - as in full of hurt - to discuss/disclose these issues with Smitten. I haven't discussed this issue with my counsellor. The counsellor that I am seeing right now I arranged to go to in order to deal with issues in parenting surrounding my daughter. She about 60 and even if she has seen and heard a lot, I haven't been able to discuss these kinds of issues with her. She is more of a motherly figure and I'm just not comfortable going to this subject with her.

I cried while dealing with this - by myself and with Smitten. I don't cry very easily. Most often in rage or frustration.

This was a different kind of crying. Not anger, not defeat, not frustration.

There's been a lot of tears and almost tears - sudden onset - since I started to work at this in earnest. I'm trying not to hold them in. I'm having a few problems when it hits me at the office - but I have a door I can close - and the people I work with would be kind to me.

I was able to make love on Saturday in the afternoon. Without problems. [later edit: again reiterating - the dominance thing is about stbx-Mrs_C. Smitten has said that I am the most gentle and tender lover she has ever had]

And I keep trying to work it through.

I'm writing it all up in a more coherent form so that I will be forced to repeat it and to understand what I am saying and thinking about.

We'll see whether it all helps.

I thought about apologising for my thoughts, but they are mine. I imagine I will put a few more down in a few days.

Interlude - thoughts on daughter's call

I started thinking afterwards. I already told daughter about all of this. She and I discussed my new house just last week. I already outlined the structure of the settlement to my kids verbally, just like to stbx-Mrs_C. I had already told them I wasn't going back - ever.

I realised that daughter is 11, and doesn't have a complete graps on the universe. That she was probably just reacting to things her mother had had just said to her, while forgetting about everything else she knew. stbx-Mrs_C is a master at upsetting others when she is upset, and how hard is it to work up and twist around the girl at age 11?

stbx-Mrs_C is also an emotion junky. She needs any kind of emotional response from someone for whatever reason she needs it. The easiest thing to get is upset and negative emotion - and since she has a this negative shit swirling inside of her all the time, it is natural to come out. so she gets daughter going. allows stbx-Mrs_C to play the victim one more time, gives her the ability to say "feel sorry for me [daughter]" and to have daughter comfort her.

Son says that stbx-Mrs_C has been setting up daughter with false hope - he now believes (after daughter's reaction) for the express purpose of having daughter upset when i laid the papers down (he didn't say anything before because we have a kind of agreement that we don't talk about the situation too much (for our own sanity) and that it is better to just keep the two house/worlds separate. That way he isn't "tattling" all the time). son says it would fit perfectly into his mother's modus operendi to set daughter up to hate me.

all things will be as they will be

once again, i have to remind myself that this is about the long term outcome, not the day to day.

Prelude to Fantasy (part 1)

I feel alive, but there's nothing like a conversation with stbx-Mrs_C to crush the life from me. She knows how to make me feel bad in mere moments.

Nothing like a conversation with my daughter asking me "Why would you do this to me?", and saying "I hate you" while crying. Saying "this means you're never coming back." "Why did you leave me? leave us? leave your family?" A conversation where she feeds all of her mother's lines to me, and uses all of her mother's "conversation"/argumentative techniques to keep me off balance - not intentionally I'm sure, but sure as hell learned.

She kept switching topics and asking questions one after another so fast without giving me enough time to respond... it was like a discussion with her mother.

You see, I dropped the papers off today. My proposed structure of the separation, divorce, and settlement.

stbx-Mrs_C left for awhile and daughter read the papers that her mother left lying there.

There was a little bit of resolution by the end of the conversation, but it is still pretty raw for me.

It's 12:44am. I'm going to bed. I'll pick this up tomorrow from work.

It all reminds me of why I left in the first place. It reinforces my reasoning and my anger. And it provides a window on the answer to questions I have about some of the fucked up feelings I have toward her - and some of the damage done to my psyche and sexuality - and some of the problems I'm having.

That last paragraph was going to be the topic of todays post, and the next several posts.

I worry as I post these next posts that you may think less of me as I delve into some uncomfortable head space where sexuality, male sexuality, anger, rage, personal emotional humiliation, and fantasies of violence and retaliation mix together into an icky non-actualised and partially actualised mess.

But I'm tired and it's late.

time alone, daughter, dance, work-out and dinner

had some time alone on Friday evening. Smitten had her kids. My son was out of town on a school trip, daughter was with her Mom at stbx-Mrs_C's sister's place. I had asked daughter to go out for supper, but she declined a Friday evening get together.

i had talked to a couple i know from work about going to a blues festival, but it didn't work out.

i spent the evening clearing up my place. every little bit Mrs_C comes up with a new box of stuff and i don't have much space. part of what she is doing is clearing out household stuff and just putting it in boxes for me to deal with...

whatever

anyway, between books (including her old books she doesn't want) and other stuff she's ditching i had a pile of boxes to go through. so i did. the excitement of Friday night when you're single...

time alone was good. time to think. time to listen to music.

---

daughter called me at about 10:30pm Friday and said she'd like to go out on Saturday. so we did. went for breakfast/brunch and then did some shopping and spent time at a pet store looking at puppies and fish and stuff.

it was a good day.

she told me her uncle had gotten all gunned up drinking and how she didn't care for it much. he's not a fun drunk - never has been.

she told me that her Mom had told her that she could decorate her own room, but then vetoed daughter's plan and is making all the decisions and doing it all herself (sound familiar?). daughter declared "When you get your house, I'm going to decorate my room exactly as I want."

I said "Well, yeah... subject to negotiation. Probably your way, but if something is really off from my perspective I'm not going to just let you do it to be opposite because your Mom is making all the decisions on your room at the house. However, if i have a problem with the colours you pick, well... it's just paint. I can always put sheets of 1/8th inch drywall over top and we can paint that if I have a really big problem with your colours and think we'll need to recover."

Daughter thought about it for a minute and said "OK"

It was a fun day.

On Sunday morning she called me to get me to pick up half of a pie she'd baked.

---

on Saturday we went to another dance with the dance club. we went early this time. we had discussed with the other couple about whether they could go - we didn't expect them to make it as they said they were expecting company. they did not.

the dance was fabulous. it is casual, so it wasn't the setting or anything - it's in an old style Church hall - lots of wood - a nice one - but nothing to write home about. dancing was fabulous.

i am learning enough of the steps of the cha cha and merengue that i feel competent and can move to the music and can simply dance instead of thinking. they were playing a lot of good Latin tunes instead of some of the "white guy rhythms" they play sometimes... Latin dance is why i started this. i want to feel that energy - the life - the vitality.

after a couple of hours Smitten's hip started bothering her, so we left and went for a drink. it was a nice quiet time in a lounge nearby

she is so beautiful.

---

on Sunday i went for an abbreviated work-out. i had been playing taxi all day for all my son's friends and didn't get my full time. just as well. the dance is stressing muscles i haven't used much before. i am sore (but not fibromyalgia sore). so i took it easier. i only did an hour on the elliptical instead of my usual 1.5 hours. i then did a bunch of upper body work.

i have been feeling more and more alive. bodily. i can feel my body and the blood in a way i haven't before.

it is a very raw and very powerful feeling. the dance on Saturday night, then the cardio, and then the weight lifting made me feel like a river with rapids. the roar of life in my veins was incredible.

between the joy of the dance - the physicality - the music - the woman - the love - the energy - the rhythm - the fulfillment of desire to dance - to move - and the intensity of the exercise - pushing myself when i wanted to end earlier - pushing the very inside edge of my limit to lift

i felt so alive

i picked up yet one more friend of son's, showered and went to Smitten's for supper. i had made a huge pot of chili and rice for son's friends - then i cleared out so they would have their space.

supper was annoyingly healthy - raw - steamed - broiled - a tiny bit of butter and a sprinkle of Parmesan on Kamut rotini

eating all that simple raw food just added to the rush

i have no idea of why. in February last year i said i felt sexy for awhile. this is so beyond that it is ridiculous.

the rush is so huge it is hard to contain myself on this side of excitement

while i am more tired today than yesterday - pushing myself on the weight training is taxing

i hope this continues

i like being this alive

a lighted pathway of candles

When i finished teaching my class (10pm) the other night i went to Smitten's. I was going to spend the night. We spend most nights when we don't have the kids at each other's places.

I figured she'd be asleep (she goes to bed early [~9:30pm] - well, early for me). On weekends we will stay up later and sleep in.

When i arrived at her place the door was unlocked, so i wandered in (standing invite to do so when she is expecting me). The lights were out, sexy music was playing, and there was a trail of lit candles leading toward the bedroom.

I ditched my coat and began the quick psychic shift to where i knew i was going (the class had ended on kind of a minor shitty note - well to my personally demanding view of the universe [i hadn't gotten 100% excellent ratings on my class evals - 2 of them were only very good - to a person they came up and told me to my face how fabulous the class was and how easy it was to understand, and how i made it all so easy, but 2 had only rated Instructor's ability to explain material as very good]).

Anyway,

back to candles.

I followed the lighted path and when i arrived in the bedroom Smitten was waiting wearing the lingerie I had bought her at Christmas and had glasses of brandy poured.

She looked amazing. It was excellent brandy (new variety - we have been trying brandy and cognac varieties lately).

I was overwhelmed by the fact that she would do this for me. That she would care enough. Care that much. Want to do it. Want me. Be aroused by me. In her head, not just by the mechanics of sex. That it was simple desire. That she desired me. No game. No ulterior motive. No attack waiting to happen at the end of love making, no attack in the middle about me not having appreciated some element of her preparation or person.

I believe that I can say that Smitten adores me - she says things like that - but i think i can say that i pretty much actually believe it. Even if I can't believe it.

Sometimes i don't know what to do at the moments that the realisation actually hits me. That I know for a few instants - that I really know in my soul, without question - that she is in love with me, that she is attracted to me, that she finds me attractive, and she desires me.

I'm hoping that as time goes on I will lose my fear, that I will know how she feels each instant of each day.

report on dancing, Smitten's muscles, and a student my class

We attended a dance/social for the ballroom dancing club on Saturday. It went well. There were fewer people and more beginners there than usual because the higher level dancers were at a big workshop.

I felt reasonably comfortable. Smitten was little more anxious than I expected she would be. I was a little less anxious than I expected to be. I guess my time on stages and behind podiums paid off in keeping me calm. The crowd wasn't watching or judging us (many were in the same boat as us...) and we treated it like a practice session.

We only went for the last 90 minutes of the dance. We had spent the whole day lounging about and talking and I still wanted to work-out (2 hour time requirement), so we were late going to the dance. My working out is something I have put forward as a priority - my exercise has been getting short shrift lately because of our mutual desire to spend time together.

We had fun, we were both a little distressed when it ended - we wanted to go longer. We have decided to ditch our kids this coming weekend when there is another dance (usually they are once a month, but this is some special thing) and spend another evening dancing.

---

My massage therapist referred Smitten to a specialised physiotherapy unit at the university. With a referral from a medical professional the initial number of sessions are paid for under our universal medicare.

It appears that Smitten suffered some muscle damage during childbirth and that is what has been the root of her muscular difficulties. She still suffers, but, since the professional massage, my help with acupressure and basic massage, and the physio and exercises they taught her, along with her existing chiro treatments - she is having longer and longer periods free of pain, and with lower levels of pain.

HAH! I will "cure" her yet!!! yes, i know that it is the others that are really doing most of it... but without my research and prodding - and paying for the first massage treatment with my RMT - Smitten would have stayed in the same track she had been in for the last 7 or so years. Smitten says she had just sort of resigned herself to the pain (having been through it with doctors for years) and that without my well intentioned interference and prodding she would not likely have gone down this path. So I claim at least the moral victory of having initiated a new set of actions which are leading to her wellness.

Also on the Smitten wellness front. I have discovered a variety of malabsorption syndrome which appears to match Smitten's symptoms. For example celiac disease is a malabsorption syndrome (Smitten is not celiac - she can eat gluten). I have found enough case studies and other research materials that match her symptoms that she is going to wait for me to finish my current bit of research and then she will take it to her doctor.

The down side is that she will likely have to have a down esophagus lapropscopic procedure to see if her intestinal lining is damaged in one particular part of her small intestine, but if it confirms the problem, then that is likely a good thing.

If it does confirm it, then we can design an "isolation" diet that will promote healing of the region.

---

I teach post-secondary computer classes part-time. I have a new student in one of my classes that wandered up to me and asked me a number of questions surrounding whether I was an election day worker/volunteer about 10 years ago in one particular instance. I confirmed that I was.

There had been a big schmozzle at one voting station and I was sent out from the campaign that I worked with to represent our interests. It was a mess. A bad one. All the various (7) party/candidate representatives were fighting - people were having problems with getting to vote - the district electoral officer was threatening to resign on the spot - there had been one shoving match already.

And yes, by applying a little bit of calm and by being a big guy with a deep reassuring and relatively commanding voice (and by knowing what all the rules are - and having some common sense) I managed to get everything calmed down, the problem sorted out and solved to all the campaigns' satisfaction. I also got all the various campaign representatives (most of whom were new and inexperienced) set-up and doing what they should for all their campaigns (even if they were working against my candidate).

This lady (a volunteer for another candidate) told me that she had always wished she could say thank-you but I had disappeared before she could.

I was touched.

I don't always give myself credit for things I do right - I usually end up focusing on my negatives and failures - so this was a nice moment of validation.

dance

went to dance practice the other night

each time i go, i am filled with panic and anxiety

competence

there's a word

One entry found for competence.

2 : the quality or state of being competent

Main Entry: com·pe·tent

2 : having requisite or adequate ability or qualities

i want to dance. i like to dance (such as i am able), and am told i am a good nightclub "freestyle" dancer, i can waltz, and polka. but that's it.

dance - latin dance specifically - is a life goal. i want to dance so bad it hurts.

this dance class is just sending me over the edge. well, i'm exaggerating a bit, but it is a hell of a thing. i am used to being competent. instantly competent. i can absorb amazing amounts of knowledge and synthesize it without effort and very, very quickly. i can read (scan) a book on carpentry or electrical (which i have a minimal grounding in) and by the end of a day i am doing competent beginning/handymanish level work. work that is judged adequate by real (journeymen) carpenters and electricians.

dance

movement

i am told that i have some grace in movement. i consider myself ungainly, but enough people who would be "honest" have said i am not awkward. i feel awkward. with the fibromyalgia i felt even more lumbering and stiff.

i was accelerated in grade school. most of the kids in my class were almost 2 years older than me. i was on the small side of average for the class (big for my age), but i was physically less developed and more awkward than them. i was mocked for that. you will all (probably) remember how kids in elementary school mock the kids who can't do sports or activities... i tried to avoid organized physical activity/sports then and all through my life (not quite true - i wrestled [not a lot of "grace" required for high school wrestling], and i played rugby [*prop - my only job was to stand in one place and hold the "hooker" up - that and slam/grind hard into my opponents in the scrum - about 18 inches of brutal movement - sort of like a linebacker with no padding and less politeness - not much finesse involved at my level of play])

this damned dance class. they are introducing new steps so fast. i am not an athletic guy. i have just come away from years of poor mobility from the fibromyalgia. movement and body are not my thing. it's always been my mind that works for me - not my body. we are learning 4 dances and they introduce new steps for 2 of the dances each week. i never feel caught up. i've been practicing with Smitten for 1.5-3 hours a week in addition to the class time, but i'm still in serious panic mode.

i love the dance. i hate to feel incompetent.

i really dislike being less than competent. at anything. that's one of the things that sat really badly every time stbx-Mrs_C criticised me during our marriage. i don't have to be perfect. i need to be compentent - or at very least - adequate.

every class i want to quit. i don't say it to Smitten. i just get overwhelmed and panicked about not getting the steps right. i feel it should come more easily.

i won't quit because i want this so very badly. i won't quit because i haev committed to this course of action for very good reasons and strong desire. and even if it takes me years (which it will) to become (truly) competant i will. i ask the instructors and volunteers for help and direction several times per class (it's a dance club, not a commercial studio). i ask the questions i need to about how the steps should be accomplished.

it doesn't help that Smitten dances and gets this faster than me. as she says "my body feels the beat and wants to move to it".

I don't work like that. my learning method for something like this, or for something i do not know works in one way - my way - it's been successful and easy so far in my life. i focus solely on the mechanics until i have those down. once the mechanics are down i worry about anything else. in this case - the beat.

the instructors piss me off and so does Smitten sometimes. until i feel a little more comfortable, i need to focus on mechanics. they demand that i be on beat before i even know what i'm supposed to do to be on beat to. they all think that the beat is more important than the mechanics and that if you just move to the music everything else will follow.

aaaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

since the first couple of classes Smitten has adjusted her ways to accomodate me.

i am joyful during some of the dances (until they throw some new moves in...)

they also mix up all four styles in each class. with two being dominant each class.

i like to learn one thing at a time. full focus.

i practice alone in my apartment. i practice with Smitten, I practice at the classes. I am relatively comfortable with the cha cha, and am becoming moreso with the merengue. the style of waltz we are doing and the two-step are not doing so well for me. mostly because i have practiced the latin dances more (interest) and i'm not a big country music fan... and that's what we do the waltz and two-step to.
(before the country music fans out there kick me, there are a number of qualifiers on my broad brush "don't like country" statement)

i wish i could spend a whole weekend doing intensive work on a single dance.

i have also decided that this is a good exercise for me. an exercise in vulnerability. of being "out there". while i do things that a lot of people would consider "daring" i don't usually stray out of my confort zone. it is probably a good thing to stretch myself and confront my fears and discomfort.

i'm thinking of seeing if i can bribe (pay) and/or cajole one of the volunteers into helping me (us). but i will have to wait until i have more cash.

in the meantime - there's a beginner's practice dance/social this weekend that we will be attending.

---

*"There are two props in rugby league, numbered 8 and 10, which pack in to the front of the scrum on either side of the hooker. The two props are usually the two biggest, strongest, heaviest players in the side. When scrums were competitive their strength was key in winning possession. In the modern game their strength is more useful in the tackle or as a ball carrier. However, it is still possible for an alert tight-head prop to help his side win a scrum against the feed by striking for the ball in conjunction with a drive from the rest of the pack. Formerly, striking for the ball was primarily the responsibility of the hooker.

Props run upright with their head up, trying to run into space, but often directly into tacklers, trying to break through with shear force or keep an arm free for a strong fend, and look for support to offload the ball from the tackle. They get noticed probably most when the team are in possession coming away from their own territory. They are expected to make “the hard yards”; going forward whilst being gang-tackled by 2, 3 or even 4 of the opposition. Tactically they may either go down quickly when tackled and look for a quick play the ball, or when in an attacking position stand up in the tackle and offload the ball to a supporting player to switch the point of attack or create a gap to run through" (wikipedia)

pain

my pain is still gone

i'm not sure what to do

this omnipresent overbearing presence in my life is missing. i feel like something is missing. i didn't want it here, and now it's gone. it was a central defining element of my daily existence - to steel myself against the pain. to exert will to overcome the pain and the exhaustion every single moment for so long. sometimes it would be less and i would feel somewhat human, but it was still only a reduction to the verge of alive.

and now there is no pain. i am not sure what i am feeling in my limbs. just like my emotions, i am no longer in tune with my body. my legs sort of tingle and they are very sensitive - not like when they were in pain, but i can just feel all this stuff i didn't feel before.

i have no normal in my memory to compare it to anymore.

i am almost holding my breath because i am so afraid that it will come back. i had a period of about 5 days of hiatus in the first few months. then i gave blood and later that day i was in hell again.

i want to live. i want to be alive. i want to feel - with my body and with my emotions. i have just held it all in check with will for so long i don't know what to do to just live naturally

to just feel naturally

emotionally or physically

hate

i was pretty filled with hate last night.

I was filled with hate and rage and anger for stbx-Mrs_C and for my daughter. I woke up and it was still there. It built all through my morning routine. As I thought about things stbx-Mrs_C had done over the years and recently. About my daughter rejecting me. About the reasons daughter gave me, about the things stbx-Mrs_C has done to damage my relationship with my daughter, about the additional information son gave me about daughter and her decision to stay with her mom. That daughter won't talk to me about what she feels or thinks that way. That daughter's all happy when she's with me, but then made the choice she did to stay with her mom.

On the way to work I decided I'd better make a counselling appointment.

The feelings were still there even after i got to the office.

Until i got an email with the subject "good morning love". Then it all just dissipated.

But i think i'd better do that counselling.

'cause it's back now.

I am soooooo angry with stbx-Mrs_C. I try to leave that sitting on the side. I try to leave it behind. I try to just get past it. Sometimes I can just go on living life, but then other times it builds into this sweat drenching shaking rage. This ball of hurt that just won't go away. The hate.

And trying to separate myself from the love that used to be there. To re-frame the caring into something more distant.

I want to lash out, but it's really not in my nature to hurt people. Even when I'm really angry. I always try to just settle it down and make it go away. This isn't going away.

(and no - when i say hurt I AM NOT talking about violence)

I hate her for whipping me for so long. I hate daily criticisms. The constant criticism. The constant belittling. I hate her for jerking my leash. Getting a little nicer when i'd get upset, and yanking me harder than before for daring to challenge her. and punishing me for expressing my feelings. so that i would hold them in to avoid the resultant punishment. and the i would be castigated for being emotionally flat - my way of coping.

I hate her for the lies she is telling now.

I hate her for actively trying to turn daughter against me. Not just the usual sort of trashing thing you would expect, but an active day-in, day-out slander campaign. Aimed at an 11 year old.

I hate that she told daughter that she was going to re-do daughter's room, and that daughter would need to stay in mom's room until its done. So they sleep in the same bed and daughter now calls it "our room".

I hate that daughter says she doesn't like it at my apartment. That it isn't big enough or nice enough.

Daughter is giving me the same "not good enough" lines her mom always fed me. That I'm not a good enough provider. That I don't give her enough stuff. That if I go to work out at the gym to stay healthy and lose weight I obviously don't care about her, or I would stay and spend time with her (when I did, all daughter wanted to do was watch music videos).

I hate that her mom is buying daughter every weekend, and that when I ask daughter to even go out for a coffee with me, most of the time I can hear her mother in the background saying "Well, I was going to take you shopping...". I hate that my own intent to to be decent and not disrupt stbx-Mrs_C's life and that of the children is being turned against me. I would have a house and more than a $1000.00 more per month if I hadn't done the decent thing and allowed all this time for stbx-Mrs_C to get her financial ducks in a row. My own decency and kindness is being used to shaft me.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I hate that when I asked daughter to go with me for coffee last weekend, daughter chose to stay with her mom to go pick up the boyfriend because he was bringing daughter stuff from Mexico. I hate that daughter so proudly showed me her new Mexican silver earrings (i told daughter they were nice - because they were nice). I hate that he built her a new dollhouse. I hate that fucking dog that stbx-Mrs_C got for daughter (it's a lovely dog, and i actually really like it...) because it is all daughter talks about. I hate that stbx-Mrs_C told daughter that even if i got a house that i would never allow the new puppy over there and she would have to leave her dog behind. stbx-Mrs_C told daughter i said that.

stbx-Mrs_C is now telling everyone that i admitted to having affairs. stbx-Mrs_C is telling the lies to anyone who might listen, anyone that she can talk to that might know me. and playing the aggrieved woman role to the hilt. and society conditions people to believe that i had an affair. that she keeps telling people "i don't know why he left. i just don't understand."

(for awhile i considered actually making the big list of everything and handing it to her. anonymous suggested it a long time back. my lawyer said "don't do it". Smitten even suggested it - suggesting that it might finally give me the peace to not have to engage with stbx-Mrs_C when she would ask the *why* question, yet one more time. i chose not to, because it would just give her the opportunity to try to split hairs and to demand that i respond to her rebuttals - to reel me into more hours and hours long conversations. and because then she would give copies of it to other people and those people would be privy to things that should only be between her and i)

I hate her for those lies. I hate her because she can't deal with the fact that it might be the misery she inflicted on me that drove me away, and that she is making up lies to cover for it.

i hate her for saying that she really wanted me to be in charge in the marriage. No - really - she said that. This from a woman that tried to determine the kind of toothpaste i was allowed to have.

I hate her for the all the times she rejected me. That she told me she used denial of sex and intimacy as a weapon against me, and then at the moment i became strong enough to walk away she was all over me to do it with her. that she told me that it was my newly transformed self that attracted her. that she later told me she had just used it all as a hook to try to get me to come back to her.

I hate her because she couldn't ever stick to one set of consistent demands. I hate her for the monthly, weekly, daily, hourly changes in what she asked of me through out whole marriage. I hate her because no matter what i did I could never measure up, because even if i met a previous demand or condition, there was always a new one that was the new eternal truth.

...yeah.

i think i'd better make that counselling appointment.

i'm going to try to go out with daughter again tomorrow night. maybe. if she'll agree to do something that doesn't cost me money because i'm broke. i got hosed for more cash for school trips and stuff, and a cheque i was supposed to get isn't here because the lady that does the cheques at the place that owes me has been sick for 2 and a half weeks...

hate - rage - anger - despair - despondence

sheer joy

freedom

i'd better make that counselling appointment.

An Interesting Article Excerpt On Deviant Online Behaviour

Deviant Behavior in Online Multimedia Communities and Strategies for Managing it

Don't Argue, Don't' Bait

Part of being polite and dispassionate is not arguing with the snert. This is exactly what some hostile, oppositional users want. Some of them - especially the "freedom fighters" - will be exceptionally good at luring you into a fight. It's a trap because it's impossible to win such debates. The snert's true underlying (passive-aggressive) motive is to feel powerful and in control by antagonizing you into doing something hostile. It's a game to them, and you're their pawn.

That makes a lot of sense.

"The... ...true underlying (passive-aggressive) motive is to feel powerful and in control by antagonizing you into doing something hostile. It's a game to them, and you're their pawn."

There are a few teachers that read this blog. I'm guessing this is exactly the sort of thing you see in grade-school children all the time.

Vitamin D deficient

Finally an abnormal result in my bloodwork. I'm Vitamin D deficient. I'm on Vitamin D3 supplements now. We'll see what the results are.

Vitamin D deficient symptoms: chronic fatigue, physical weakness, anxiety, sleep disturbances, headaches, cramping of toe, foot, and calf muscles, muscular aches, restless legs, pins and needles sensations of the hands at night time or hands and legs during the day time, bloating and indigestion, chronic diarrhea or chronic constipation, night sweats, and chronic allergic nasal congestion.

Do you think maybe my fucking doctor could have thought of that one? Nice lady, well qualified, good doctor, teaches new doctors in the medical school... but I'm the one that has to find references to Vitamin D deficiency and muscle spasms online and ask for the test?

I have asked for every other test known to mankind (minor exageration), and she has been really good about trying all the things within all the books for fibromyalgia, but...

She has been supportive of my various naturopathic experiments (and reviewed them to see if i would poison myself) and has referred me to dieticians. She gave me prespcriptions and letters for acupuncture, massage and physiotherapy.

She's signed all my notes and given me referrals to specialists. I've been to see the specialists. None of them could have thought of it?

I asked them if there wasn't some kind of fucking database that they could put my symptoms into and then we could work our way through all the possibilities. No.

Goddamn - I'm a computer guy in Canada - who doesn't drink milk. Do you think there a fucking possibility that I might be Vitamin D deficient?

I know it's obscure and that they are trained to deal with things that are a little more straightforward, but this really hurt. For years.

If this cures me I suspect I will be both pleased and really mad.

I'm one week into the vitamin D therapy and the pain in my thighs went away 2 days ago. That's the first time in years.

Maybe it's a placebo effect. Maybe not.

Hoping it works.

Logfiles and things are fascinating

You know, I was looking through my logfiles on my statistics system. And one thing I did discover is that a very special blog commenter appears to be arriving from Georgia. It's interesting that someone who appears to be using the internet access of the Georgia Department of Education would be quite so free to leave sporting comments on blogs.

It sure makes me wonder what access to information laws in Georgia would turn up from the internet access logs of their proxy system. Especially since the special commenter appears to be always accessing this blog from the same class C address block.

Yep. No telling what might happen if a person went digging.

BTW, Jonesboro, Georgia is a long way from Michigan, so that certainly supports 'chelle's claim not to be anonymous/blog_surfer.

Valentine's success

[warning: long and detailed post of the minutiae of our valentine's. proceed at your own risk, and only if you have a bunch of time...]

Valentine's was a rip-roaring success. I had booked reservations at that restaraunt to avoid the anxiety of preparation, but my son chiselled $100.00 out of me for a band trip - and there went the evening. So we ate at my place.

Smitten got tied up and was about 50 minutes late. That bothered her and she phoned me three times during that period (she hates being late, and doesn't like people to be late [i'm trying, but she may eventually be in for a shock...]). I was happy that she was that late because I underestimated my timeline to shop, pick up flowers, shave, change, clear up, and cook... Her timing was perfect from my perspective, and we shared a good laugh about that bit of luck.

Preparation (notice the painful lack of counter space in my @#$%ing apartment. It would be barely enough if I didn't have the microwave taking up a huge chunk of space. Oh well, I've begun looking at houses):





I did things a little different this time. Instead of having everything ready and put on the table at once, I prepared in courses. I had the two starting cold courses ready prior to the meal and had the water ready for the steaming, and the George Foreman grill hot. I had the second course cold and plated in the fridge.

First course, salad: A bed of red leaf lettuce with grape tomatoes, red pepper slices, cold shocked steamed green beans, mushrooms and bean sprouts - topped with low calorie pear and guava salad dressing. Yes, that's a white carnation on the plate. Edible flowers were too expensive, and this was a budget dinner.



Second course, buckwheat tabbouleh: Smitten can't eat wheat (no she's not celiac), so I couldn't use normal bulgur for the tabbouleh. I substituted buckwheat kasha. I make my kasha on the less mushy side, so it worked wonderfully (I knew it would because I often mix my salad and kasha together when I eat it). I couldn't find any fresh mint, so this wasn't truly tabbouleh, but whatever. Note how it's shaped like a heart in the foreground picture. The other plate is too, but the flowers on the plate obscure the shape a little.



The final two courses were served on one plate. Steamed snow peas served on/with nicely colour contrasting steamed red peppers, and grilled marinated salmon steaks. The marinate was pretty simple: a little balsamic vinegar, a little soy sauce, some pepper, some ground thyme. They were beautiful steaks so I wanted as much of the natural flavour to come through. The steaks were very moist after grilling and had problems staying together, so a little extra care was required in plating.




Smitten brought the wine. I followed through with the invitation and the candles and setting as described in the last valentine's post. We both dressed for dinner. She is sooooooooo beautiful. She looked like a dream come true (she is a dream come true).

The entire apartment was candle lit with feng shui compliant candle clusters.



I used a dim fluorescent camping lantern in the kitchen for light when getting the various courses and putting the hot dishes to cook while we ate the second course. I made sure that my plating of the final course was simple and obvious for the lighting conditions.

I did not take a picture of the dessert, which was a strawberry soy ice cream (zero dairy - no dairy for Smitten). I put some roasted cashews at the bottom of the dish with a dribble of frangelico to make the last spoonfuls of dish "clean-up" an interesting taste contrast with the strawberry "ice cream" (more of a sherbet, really - not that "creamy"). I put the ice cream bowl (which was a matching green glass bowl) on it's own plate, with black grapes on the plate around the bowl for further colour contrast. It looked good and tasted fine.

Smitten, who is used to usually getting some kind of pain or abdominal distension when she eats, marvelled at the end of the meal how she felt no discomfort. She good-naturedly blames a little of her weight gain on me because nothing I make hurts her, so she eats more than she otherwise would ;-) Telling me how good she felt and how energised my selection of foods always makes her feel after a meal was perhaps the highest compliment she could have paid me. I like being right, and I like being competent. Those successes and being able to use my skills to make her happy, for me, is a triple play like no other.

Smitten was bowled over by the attention that I paid to her needs and desires. She said I was the only person to have ever done anything like I do for her in her whole life.

---

I would like to thank signgurl, terry, pirate, and pissy for pulling me down from my anxiety perch, and for advising me to tone it down and keep it simple. Less worked fine. I will attempt to remember that for next time. I also remembered to only make enough to feed about 6 people instead of 20 - so there was enough for leftovers and for me to be able to pack both our lunches this morning.

---

Smitten did something very wonderful and touching for me. While we were having some after dinner scotches, she laid a collection of hand made red paper hearts on the coffee table. She told me to pick them up one by one and read them out loud (needed a light on for this one). She had hand written either a message about me, and what she loves about me, or some other cryptic words on the hearts. Each one corresponded to an item she had in a bag with her.

Things like the humourous and teasing "For when you want a suck" - she then gave me a heart shaped valentine's sucker. "For when you want the finer things in life" - a small sample bottle of Courvoisier. And so on. She said that she was sad that they were just little things, but she was kind of broke. I was touched by all the things. To the point I was almost embarrassed to go on. I told her, and she shushed me - and said that she wanted to give me everything she has.

And then the last item. A child's valentine with our names on it. My eyes began to tear. That was the first "valentine" I had ever received from a female. Certainly cards as an adult, but never one of those valentine cards.

In grades 5,6, and 7 I received zero valentines from anyone but myself (I hated how few I got, so I always salted a few extras into the box from "Guess Who" and "It's a secret" and so on, so that I wouldn't be stuck with the very few that I ever got). I had received some from male friends in younger grades, but none through those 3 grades. I had some friends and I always wondered why they didn't give me any cards. Sometimes I wonder if the "popular kids" who were in charge of handing out the cards didn't stash the ones to me, just to hurt me... I hope.

Anyway, my first valentine from a girl.