On Standing Tall And Slumping Shoulders

Mrs_C decided that she was going to try to pin me down into staying on the weekend of Feb 4th.

I refused to give a positive response. As always, my response has been that I am trying to work through all of the issues we have for the sake of our children, and because she asked me to.

She said I had to give a response right then about whther I was staying or not - what would my answer be right then and there.

I said no. I would leave, if that were my only option.

Well, she burrowed into me for four days straight. She kept me up until the wee hours of the morning (5 am), and was at me all day and all night.

I haven't been worked over like that for years.

Finally on the tuesday i said "OK. I'll stay."

I had no fight left.

I almost threw up for the whole next day.

I had been standing tall. Feeling strong and feeling sexy.

After I said it, my shoulders slumped. And they're still not up high again.

A day after that she told me that she didn't hold me to it.

I have the feeling that someplace in there was an agenda to see see just how far she could push me before I'd break. Just so she'd know the new Cadbury was still weak enough to be bullied by her.

I haven't been able to get that high back again. As I discussed in previous postings, I felt strong and tall and sexy - it was better than any drug I've ever done.

Now I'm defeated. Busted. Feeling like a failure. Feeling like I've failed myself.

I'm trying to think of a method to get back in the saddle.