death of a dream

i have allowed a dream to die
(mostly - as they say - a week is a long time)

you all know the business i am in. i am currently staff. i was intending to move into the "client group". i had the opportunity, the motivation and the path. i could have fought the good fight for what i believe.

however, as staff, as an adviser, it is my job to make cold hard assessments. to do what needs to be done.

my boss put it best when he left, he said "This is a harsh profession and a hard business."

i cannot move into the client group. i have an ex-wife who has already told my children, and god knows who else, that i maritally raped her (which i did not). that goes public at the wrong time... and it's not just me, my kids, or her that are affected. it's a whole lot of people.

i'm vulnerable enough even where i am, though slightly insulated.

my dream has to die.

i have been raised since birth, and have lived my life, to carry the sword. to champion my belief in a better world. an almost religious calling. my father and his father before him. my mother, and her parents. we all work for a better world. a more decent and humane world.

a lifetime.

i will be in my mid-forties by the next opportunity, and there are plenty of young 'uns in the waiting. i will no longer represent the new

letting go

good morning love

email from Smitten this morning:

Subject: good morning love

I am thinking of good things this morning, and would like to share them with you -

I hope that this morning finds you mindfull of...

A new day that is full of endless possibilities

The breath that we inhale to give us life

The two legs that allow us to walk into the future

Our knowledge of past mistakes so that we may not make them again

Our love for each other that will carry us through it all

Make your day great,
xoxoox

----

email from me in response to her yesterday:

Subject: Re: good afternoon

> hope you are feeling well

i'm OK

> and that the sun is shining in your heart

not particularly

just a day

like some others

but it's new

like an steam engine with a boiler with a leak, i just can't seem to get up to pressure

build enough emotion and vitality inside me to actually be alive

not full enough to power anything - sort of like driving you dad's van - can sort of rev up - but not enough poop to go - sort of farting and popping instead of the surety of enough to go

so, i exist, at the moment, but not really so alive

----

(her Dad's van had a faulty fuel pump and i had helped her get it to be serviced)

It rolls on (part 2)

back from lunch

where was i?

right...

----

daughter stayed overnight. stbx-Mrs_C had arranged for daughter to sleep at grandmother's place, but daughter refused. daughter says that now that she has her period/menstruation grandmother is constantly on about sex and daughter not having sex.

She says her grandmother has gone weird on her. Her grandmother is the one pushing stbx-Mrs_C the hardest about son and saying son will try something with daughter...

you will recall what i have said previously about grandmother's younger brother being the one who molested at least three of the sisters (including stbx-Mrs_C) when he lived with them.

----

anyway, daughter stayed overnight. she didn't want to sleep in the bunk bed. she wanted to sleep on the couch. she said she had no problems or concerns about her brother, or about the bunk bed arrangement, but she still wanted to sleep on the couch. she had been making cracks all day about having to sleep with her mom for so long. i said that i assumed she wanted to sleep on the couch to have her own space. she said yeah - she just wanted to sleep in a room with just herself.

----

she said that her mother had taken another week off from work (lots of banked overtime this year). daughter said her mother had promised twice before to finish the room on weeks off and hadn't. daughter said she was hoping it would happen this week, but she wasn't counting on it.

----

we went to cousin M's art show (to clarify - cousin M is daughter of stbx-Mrs_C's sister). stbx-Mrs_C phoned over to tell daughter that she was back from the spa overnight and wanted to get over to the show. daughter confronted her and said that stbx-Mrs_C hadn't actually made that arrangement, and that she was going with me. stbx-Mrs_C argued (i assume) but daughter told her "You're just being possessive. And how am I sussposed to know that you wanted to go with me. You never said that to me. You never taked to me about it."

We went.

It was a nice show. Cousin M's studio is in a more run down area of town. It is in an old building on the edge of our small "chinatown" with peeling paint and various unfinished renovations. Very starving artist. it's kind of cool.

I bought a painting for $150.00

couldn't really afford it, but it seemed the right thing to do. and i liked the painting.

daughter put her stuff up for sale on a small table.

it was cordial and even a little friendly with niece/cousin M. her friends were all quite pleasant.

----

we went for a barbeque in the park with Smitten and her kids. we set up a portable net that Smitten has, and played a little volleyball and badminton. The kids paired up quite well and enjoyed themselves. it was a tension free period for them. there was a little tension between Smitten and I, but that is a different post.

nothing much just a relational rub in the same vein as the last one a few days ago. my view of how are decisions being made, is she imposing or asserting? blah, blah, blah.

the tension did not ruin or particularly colour the event. it was 9:30pm by the time we left the park - it was just getting dark.

the kids all enjoyed themselves thoroughly. the sons playing sword fighting with sticks and the two girls on the little dock out into the lake and watching the geese and pelicans and other wildlife.

took daughter's dog with us. she really wanted the dog to come with us. then she ignored it, so Smitten and i paid attention to the dog and played with it. i think that daughter's world is so wrapped up in her dog because she escapes reality in her relationship with the dog.

as soon as she had a real person and a non-tense environment her almost obsession with her dog evaporated in an instant. i am happy about that.

----

i had thought about stbx-Mrs_C's actions and i realised that i should have said more at the time. so i wrote a note and dropped it in her mailbox.

"You tell the children that I raped you and then you
want me to hug you?

You’ve crossed too many boundaries, too many times.

“I was angry at the time”, or, “I was upset when I
said that” are not acceptable as reasons for saying or
doing what you do.

You need to get professional help to help you through
what you need to get through.

Also, you need a woman counsellor, not a man."

stbx-Mrs_C called me about this right before her conversation with daughter about going to cousin M's show.

stbx-Mrs_C said she had received my note and that she was calling to tell me that i had non-consensual sex with her twice and that what other name for it was there? we argued back and forth - i asked her to say when these incidents allegedly happened and she gave a date range. i pointed out that the dates she gave were different than the last ones she had told me. she then said that i was picking at details like i always did, and that it happened.

she also said that she hadn't meant to tell son, but that he had been pushing her and she finally blurted it out. i pointed out that daughter was there too. she then said that she was trying to make the point to them that i wasn't so perfect and that maybe they shouldn't look down on her and her shortcomings.

she also said that i was telling her she was a nutcase by telling her to seek professional help. i told her that if that was how she interpreted the note that i should have written two separate notes - one about her allegations, and the other suggesting she need help.

she came back with her usual "everyone needs help. i prefer to leave my past behind me." i told her that she might think she was leaving her past behind her but she wasn't and that she needed to deal with it or it would continue to damage her life.

blah, blah, blah

i re-asserted that the rape had never happened and went to end the call when she wanted to talk to daughter - that conversation described above

----

in hindsight i realise that once again she deflected me from my point. my point was that she wanted to hug me and tried to kiss me after telling the kids i raped her. i didn't even address the question of whether it happened or not. perhaps by implication - or maybe because the question of the authenticity of the story is at the top of her mind she sees everything as an attack on whether it's true or not.

i'm still a little irritated that i was deflected. but that has been her pattern all along hasn't it? deflection and diversion when i want to bring something up.

wait 'til i excerpt some of the book and it's discussion of diversion...

----

there's more, but that's most of it, and i should do some work now.

It rolls on (part 1)

I haven't had the emotional capacity to blog recently. I pour out a lot of emotion - whether it comes through in a flat delivery sometimes, i don't know, but I need to have that oomph to put words on a page.

i am writing this today, less with motivation or passion, and more with fear for the hell post that would be the round-up on goings on when i get around to it. that and obligation to you - my friends - and your interest in my life - and your unflagging support.

----

in early april daughter actually called me up out of the blue and wanted to do something together. i was heading out for dinner with Smitten but suggested we all (including son) go together. daughter wanted steak, so we ended up going to the Keg - which was a little pricey even with reasonable selections on everybody's part - but i wanted to make it an event to be remembered.

I have been going out for daughter for Sunday breakfast for some time on what should be my week with her. we go and do stuff together for the day.

she has come out with me a number of times for other activities too.

----

this last weekend daughter went to the arts festival with me. she didn't want to go with her mother and her aunt. daughter is an arts and crafts girl and she was going to sell her stuff at the arts festival at a table that would be primarily her cousin's art (cousin M is an artist). but none of them bothered to tell daughter that they had decided to not have the table. so daughter got all this stuff ready and then found out "no table". she was hurt that they wouldn't have told her considering she's been bubbling about this since last year.

so she wanted to go - but wanted to go with me. she also didn't want to go with the eternal and omnipresent bob the boyfriend.

so we went - son, daughter and i. we met up with Smitten who was doing belly dance for a period of time. i took her kids around for about a half an hour while Smitten did her thing.

it was a good afternoon. got a little sun reddened on the shaved head - but was wise enough to know what happens on the first long sun of the year... brought a hat.

kids had hotdogs, i ate chicken curry roti and rice and red beans. son was still full from lunch - didn't want to eat - odd for a teenaged boy

----

daughter stayed overnight. we had discussed her coming overnight sometime and she decided to this weekend. stbx-Mrs_C and bob the boyfriend went to a spa overnight. i don't know if they are biblically dating yet. stbx-Mrs_C was touting her "no sex 'til divorce" - "sex while you're still married is adultery" thing pretty strongly - spent a lot of time savaging me with the kids over that - she may be keeping bob on the hook a little longer. but who knows.

----

when i went to pick up daughter stbx-Mrs_C tried to hug me and kiss me. i was completely flummoxed. i said no and refused contact after her initial attempt at embrace and kiss. i should have said something to the effect of "keep your fucking hands off of me" but daughter was right there and i didn't want to make it any more uncomfortable for daughter than it must have already been. and i just froze. i had no idea of what to do or say. i was unprepared.

i just said "no". "no - i am uncomfortable with it - no" "i don't want to, please do not".

it was the same thing as other times. daughter was heading out to the vehicle, i'm stepping out the door, and she says "[Cadbury] come here for a minute." i do and she grabs me.

anyway i had said no and she starts into this "why? we were married for 15 years." (we were married for 16 years [17 if you count this year separated]). i said i didn't want to hug her. she says "its not for you it's for me", i just need a hug from you.

she's asking why, and i'm saying i've got to go. she talking about how we had a good marriage and how we could have made it work. i'm walking out of the house and garage - she's following - i'm telling her i don't want to have the conversation and that i'm leaving. she's saying "it could have worked if we tried but you gave up on it. you gave up on our marriage."

i said "i'm not having this conversation right now" and got into the vehicle and drove away. daughter apologised for it happening. she said it was because of something she had said earlier. i tried to explain to her that it was not her. that i always thought it was me and something i did, but that it was something inside fo her mother and that if it wasn't one thing it would have been another.

that there was a difference between a cause and a trigger. and that while daughter may have triggered something with what she said, that something else would have triggered the same reaction at a different point. like me arriving. that if her mom had something in her head, that it was not because of daughter.

i explained to daughter that her mother was probably feeling anxiety about going away with bob. that she was feeling anxiety because daughter wanted to stay with me, and spend time with me. daughter said that her mom had said that she wouldn't go on the trip with bob if daughter didn't want her to. that she would stay if daughter wanted her to.

i told her that those statements were an expression of anxiety and that her mother was fishing for daughter to ask her to stay - because her mom can't generate her own feelings of self-worth from inside and needs other people to provide it for her. that she does not have enough self-love and that she needs constant reinforcement from those around her that she is loved and wanted and that the anxiety about being loved or not is overwhelming.

blah blah blah

(i have this new book that is incredible "Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem". it describes all of this in the most lucid language i have every seen on the subject. this book is soooooooo good. i will reference more on this book later. did i mention how good this book is?)

we picked up son from his grandparents where he was doing some yardwork and went to the festival.

----

saw cousin M at the festival. cousin M was having a showing the next day at her studio (hence - no table). we were invited and daughter asked cousin M if she could put her stuff out for sale at the show. the answer was yes.

----

the discussion of her mom and some of her antics came up again. i try to avoid the topic unless there is a precipitating incident. i would like them to be free of me pushing the topic on them. when it is weighing on me i will make a short (under 5 minutes) comment and then drop the subject.

they are pretty free to jsut pop out with stuff whenever they think of it, and i try to address it in very short bursts. i don't want to put the strain of a long discussion on them.

i read some excerpts from the book named above. the kids just about shit themselves at the accuracy of the words and phrases used in the book. at the accuracy of the words and actions of their mother and of themselves and of me. this book is uncanny in its reflection of life with their mother.

son said yesterday that he is kind of bugged that his mom and her behaviour seems so neatly packaged by this book...

----

did i mention that stbx-Mrs_C tells the kids that i used to beat the dog? and that is why he has gone all "cringy" and hiding again. (the original dog - not the new puppy [not so puppy anymore])

i asked them if they could name when i beat the dog. i asked them if he was as "cringy" before i left. they could only name three incidents where i walloped the dog severely 1) when it grabbed a pizza off the stove (in the first month we had the dog); 2) when it chewed daughter's most prized stuffed animal; 3) when the dog tied to nip daughter. all of these incidents occurred in the first six months we had the dog (got him from the dog pound) - many years previously.

----

more to come

still around

i'm still around, just dealing with stuff and don't have the time to compose the ppost that's in my head. lots of emotional discussion that requires a lot of words and thinking to put it in an understandable form.

so instead i'm living my life as it needs to occur, and will write about it later

gone to an arts festival this weekend. going with daughter and her friend. son is coming too.

will meet Smitten and her kids there later. she and her dance tribe will also be belly dancing at one of the stages too.

hope you are all well

unreasonable anger, trigger, my jaw hurts and i have a headache

I was getting together with Smitten last night. She called and wondered what arrangements would be, she was not feeling 100% and after some discussion wanted to stay at her place rather than mine. I was fully supportive of this and had nudged things that way.

We had talked about going to a drum jam that night - but as she wasn't feeling up to it, I let it slide. It is a regular drum jam that I have wanted to go to for awhile, but there never seemed to be the time to do it, or the inclination. But she wasn't feeling swell. She thought maybe a movie or something at home (we don't do movies at home very often).

She asked what time we would get together, and I asked what we would do about supper - intimating that we would get together for supper. She thought that was a good idea but had no idea of what she should make. I had a couple of suggestions - mostly I just wanted hot food. It is cold and rainy and shitty here right now (about 4C/39.2F).

Smitten didn't like my first couple of suggestions. She had none of her own, but kept rejecting my suggestions. That really pissed me off. stbx-Mrs_C did that all the time on lots of things - not just food - but often on food - usually when she was feeling a little shitty (like Smitten was) and didn't know what she wanted. I felt myself beginning to argue and get tense and recognised why, so I told Smitten "Look - it doesn't much matter to me what we eat as long as it's hot and it's low fat. It's your decision."

She said ok. She said she would get the supper stuff and would i get the movie. She then asked when she could expect me. I dislike having set times on arrivals. Not because i am necessarily always late - I am somewhat late on arbitrary time lines often enough because while my estimate may be accurate on a baseline - things like road construction or traffic or lack of a suitable movie will impact time of arrival.

(stbx-Mrs_C was really bad for pushing me to give as short a time line as possible, and then giving me shit for missing it...)

Smitten has a thing about timeliness (before we met, not as a reaction to me). Sometimes it's a little retentive in my opinion. 2 minutes extra, 5 minutes, often 10 minutes are, in my opinion, not to be getting bent out of shape over if you are just going somewhere on an easy schedule. If you have to be somewhere - then yes - i am on time.

anyway - back to the story.

when asked for an ETA i responded not with a time, but with my activity set: leave work at 5, drive to video store, pick video, go to grocery store (next to video store), buy 5 items, go to your place. you can estimate my travel time as well as i can. i plan no other stops. factors that may impact - traffic, accidents, lousy movie selection, line-ups

Smitten wasn't thrilled with the lack of a definitive time, but accepted my answer.

I went and got the movie. She was on her phone when i called to check my selection. That cost me 10 minutes standing around the store hitting redial. I gave up and went to get groceries further over in the strip mall and returned back to the video store after that. When i called she realised there might be issues with me being anxious over movie selection (trigger from stbx-Mrs_C). I also explained that the last couple of movies i picked that she had strongly negative comments on hadn't left me feeling so secure about choosing either. she said she felt bad about how i was feeling, but made a choice - she asked what i wanted to watch and i said that i was ok with any of the movies that i had put forward for her to choose from.

When i arrived at her place i had a bad headache and my jaw hurt. I took some acetaminophen and went in.

In my head I had built up this scenario where she was all pissy because i had taken X period of time. In my head I was mad at her for being indecisive about what she wanted for supper - and mad that my suggestions hadn't been accepted.

I was mad that she had "rejected" those movies i had shown her previously, and was mad that she had sent me to pick a movie and then not been available when i called - because i expected that she was counting off the minutes that it was taking me to get to her place and would lambaste me when i went in the door about taking so long.

I was mad because i didn't get to watch the movie i really wanted to watch and was expecting to catch shit for taking so long to pick up a movie that wasn't my top pick. i was mad that i was reverting to letting her determine which movies i got to watch.

i had it in my head that i was really actually mad at stbx-Mrs_C and that my reaction was overreacting

and when i walked in the door i was greeted by a smiling and happy Smitten. A Smitten who was happy to see me and didn't say boo about the time. Who was apologetic about not being available when i called and who was worried that i might be edgy about the movie stuff.

I didn't unload or even tell her about the stuff i was mad about. i figured she didn't need to be on the receiving end of a baggage train that belongs to stbx-Mrs_C. I told her that was anxious about which movie i picked, but that was it.

the acetaminophen kicked in soon enough, we had some wine with our meal. it was an entirely hot meal, and she had incorporated one of my ideas into it and liked the result. it was a good meal. she was happy that she could share such a meal with me - that i was someone who liked to eat the same way she did - that she had been so tired of cooking 3 different meals for each mealtime when she was married.

----

the movie was a good one - it was History Boys. kind of an English art film - the kind of thing you'd see on HBO or Showcase here in Canada. I was a little uncomfortable with some of the content as related to homosexuality, but that was a minor quibble.

----

i built up quite a head of steam. unnecessary steam.

i got mad and resentful at a lady who didn't really deserve it. sure, maybe she could have been more decisive, but i could have been more forthcoming myself about what i wanted.

past experience informed the things that happened in an entirely negative way.

i need to allow any negatives in our relationship to be contextualised to only our relationship. to make sure i don't fill in the blanks with stbx-Mrs_C or my own failures and shortcomings and upset about them.

the whole episode left me with a bunch of knots and anxiety - that prohibited me from letting go enough to be able to orgasm when we were in bed later.

my jaw is still sore from locking up so bad.

i guess there's still a ways to go

Took A Walk Monday

with all respect to Supertramp:

Downstream

"Took a boat Sunday, down by the sea
It just felt so nice, you and me
We didn't have a problem or a care
And all around was silence, everywhere

You are the reason I was born
Be with you through all seasons, I'll always hear you when you call
We'll keep the love light shining through each night and day
A lonely life behind me, oh what a change you've made

So down here on the ocean we will stay
Went through a lot of changes
Turned a lot of pages
When I took a boat Sunday

To know you as I know you now, that is all I need
And we will get along somehow, if we both believe

So down here on the ocean we will stay
Went through a lot of changes
Turned a lot of pages
When I took a boat Sunday"

Play MP3 Excerpt from Downstream

----

Took a walk monday. it was a holiday here in Canada.

Smitten is chaperoning for her son's outdoor education in June. She is doing crafts and leading the hiking trips. She wanted to scout out the trails and area on her own before actually hitting the camp. She asked me to go. I did.

It was a cooler day with a little spray of rain, but not really - like having a mister occasionally shot over you. We looked at cottages and went to the camp - it is on the side of a valley that has a large lake in it. Our feet were wet from the damp grass, but the air was clear and invigorating.

I enjoyed being out very much.

But I was overcome by an incredible sense of loss. Before marriage I was a pretty outdoors guy. I may have had gelled hair and worn funky clothes in trendy bars - but i was on a couple of canoe trips a year, and went hiking all the time.

Half the time i would hike in the valleys near our farm. This camp was in the same chain of valleys that our farm was adjacent to. We didn't ever live on the farm, we just drove out to it. Our family cottage was on the side of a valley on another lake in the chain.

I was overcome with grief and loss that my children would never know a cottage or trail hiking or the outdoors as a part of their childhood the way i did. That i had lost years of going up north to canoe - something i loved - because it was stymied for house cleaning or house maintenance or for whatever other reason each time i suggested it. i felt shame that i hadn't been strong enough to assert my needs and wants - and that i hadn't given my children the opportunity to spend that kind of time in real nature - not just city parks.

The day was beautiful, and i was with a beautiful woman who loves me. Whom i believe i love. Whom i love.

But i don't trust myself with that emotion right now. or trust where that emotion will lead me.

There was catharsis and a determination formed yesterday.

I want a cottage - whether i get one or not, i don't know. i doubt i will be able to afford it - but we'll see. I want to live more outdoors and do more things outdoors. It is always such a shock to return to the outdoors in this wasteland where i live. huddled indoors for 8 months of the year and two months of half-assed in and out on top of that.

a lot of living to fit in four months. that's why i'd like to move. 8 months of the year feels like pure survival...

i want to take my children out on good days and on bad (or half-assed days). normally i wouldn't have gone out on a day like yesterday (for the last 18 years or so anyway), but now - i'm going to do it.

----

we wandered around one of the sort of resort towns nearby.

had an ice-cream. i bought a vase. hand blown glass.

it is now my second vase. i bought my first one a few weeks ago. i was having Smitten over for dinner and i wanted flowers on my table. i discovered that when i left the house i had taken no vases. i bought stbx-Mrs_C every kind of vase known to humanity, but took not vase for myself.

so i bought one. i had flowers on my table. they are still there. i am very good at keeping flowers alive. in fact this weekend (friday) Smitten brought me flowers (orange/yellow roses) assuming that my flowers would be dead. we stuck them in a wine bottle that night, but they are now transferred to the new vase.

----

this is only the second time in my life that anyone has ever bought me flowers.

the first time was when i was about 21 and i had an awkward tryst with this one woman, and she felt bad that she had "lured" me into something i didn't want to do - so she sent flowers because she didn't know what else to do. i was touched.

especially since i was working as a bouncer in bar at the time and she sent them to the bar where i worked (she was unsure of my exact home address). let's just say that it is not ever day that a bouncer in a biker bar gets sent flowers (I was one of the guys hired to be an "enforcer" to clean up the bar and get rid of the scuzz-bags).

lots of the guys tried to give me a hard time about it. i just told them "You WISH some woman would send you flowers, asshole(s)."

my flowers spent the evening until closing resting in the beer cooler on the beer cases.

Smitten brought me flowers because i was a little down on friday night. still the emotional hang-over of all the issues i've written about recently. Dad, my boss and work stuff, son's school, daughter, housing, disagreement with Smitten.

Smitten said "You always seem to know when to lift me up by visiting, or doing something special, or bringing me flowers... I don't have your sense of the perfect thing to do, so I thought I would just bring you flowers because it always makes me happy when you bring flowers, so I thought it might make you happy if I brought you flowers."

----

i've had a thing for orange hand made glass for a few years now. orange and the wild cobalt blue that they use with it in most glass making.

i have wanted to buy some pieces for some time. stbx-Mrs_C wouldn't let me buy any, and i didn't have to balls to say i was going to buy it anyway. i saw some over this last year, but it was at points when i was broke.

the vase you see above was the princely sum of $16.95 for a hand blown vase. how could i say no. i could use the $17 on something else, and really don't have it to spare - but when will i get a better deal? not everything in my life has to be utility or food driven, hey?

----

my new vase

my new vases

my own flowers.

arts and culture weekend

there was still some tension on friday night. we dealt with some stuff in our respective lives - Smitten laundry and housecleaning, and me - helping my Dad with his computer over at the University where his research office is for the book they are sponsoring for him to write. it's based on his master's thesis (Dad just completed his masters degree a couple of years ago when he was about 77 years old).

i was tense about stuff at work, about helping my Dad - he can be kind of needy and can use up as much space as i give him to use up...

Smitten needed the time to just make a break from things in her workplace, and i think she dropped by her Dad's place. She also wanted to put her house in order.

----

With public health being what it is here, we have an extensive home care set-up. Some is publicly funded through the health system and some is not. In the week in between the first email in the last post ("I was not asking for you to fix this for me.") and the second(" Especially that you gave me an offer, and not a solution."), Smitten father was released from hospital. But before he was released he was required to have a home care assessment and plan worked out. Under public health here, if you are incapable of properly looking after yourself completely, the hospital workers (and staff social workers) can refuse to discharge you until you have adequate care arranged.

That was imposed. Her father is receiving home care for health, hygiene, and medication (make sure they take it on time). You see it costs the public health care system less to send nurses around to look after people in their own homes, bathe them, and give them their medication than it costs to have them in an institutional setting. It also allows a person more dignity to remain in their home and retain a level of independence.

Cleaning his apartment will be a separate and private arrangement the he and Smitten may choose at some point.

This is the point where i say: I was right. My assessment of the situation was bang on. Even to the point of Smitten's worry and stress being reduced. For the record, I didn't say anything to her or even imply it to her, though. When she told me that this was being ordered by the health region/public health I just said "Good - that will alleviate some worry for you."

I did ask her if she wanted the list of private providers i had already obtained and explained the structure of the care that was and was not provided through the public system. She said yes, and i gave it to her.

We have not returned to the issues of our disagreement at all. She discusses her Dad's situation and i listen. I work really hard at having no ideas on this subject.

----

Why do i mention "I was right"? Because. Because I was right. I hate getting shit for being right. I need to say I was right to affirm that I am a capable human being and that i was not wrong. I was wrong for a lot of years. Even when i was right i was still wrong.

i need to affirm (to myself at least) that i am not a useless clod who gets things wrong at every turn.

----

Friday night she came over later and we spent some time, but went to sleep early. It is good to sleep with her. I am pleased that she finds comfort in my presence. It was one of her desires - to sleep together. Her ex-husband was a stay up after she went to bed and watch TV guy. She missed the warmth of a partner next to her.

----

Saturday was a late start and some running around doing a few errands. Doing a little bit of shopping. We ended up in an east Indian clothing shop that is new in out city. that was pretty funky. Smitten loved the jewelery and stuff. This shop already provides for many of the belly dancers in our region. They can also send to India to have clothes made. There is an village that the proprietor is hooked into that produces textiles and clothes. Some kind of co-op/collective thing (which is good - not as much fear of exploiting poor people in India). I discovered I can get a silk suit custom tailored and shipped here for around Cdn $400. [heh!]

That evening (last night) we went to a chamber orchestra performance i had bought tickets for. Son needed to attend a concert for his band class, and I had proposed he could come with us as well. He would have gone to a concert last week, except last Saturday was the belly dance year end concert - for some reason son didn't want to miss that when i asked him if he wanted to go...

anyway, the concert was quite nice. we dropped son off at home and i went to my place to change. Smitten had dressed up, and i had stayed in regular clothes. I was a little embarrassed because i really should have just dressed up for the fun of it. i have gotten so far away from dressing in stuff other than jeans and regular clothes that i forgot/forget to take the time to look snazzy.

Smitten was absolutely stunning. she was just bowl me over hot last night.

i wanted to go out after 0 she was a little tired, but said we would go for a drink.

we went to a local martini bar - a hip place - techno dance music, good decor. had a couple of drinks

tennessee citrus

2 parts Jack Daniels
1.5 parts Amaretto
A splash of Vodka
1 part Lime juice
Lime


chill your martini glass.
mix two parts whiskey, one+onehalf parts amaretto, optionally a splash of (citrusy, if you like) vodka and one part fresh (ideally pulpy) lime juice in your shaker over ice.
get out your martini glass.
pour into the glass and garnish with freshly cut slices(s) of lime.

a couple of others i can find recipes for just now - will share later

we had a good time. we ended up staying for about 3 hours - she discover3ed she wasn't tired anymore. went back my place and didn't get to sleep until after 4am...

----

got to go now - need to go exercise. we are attending a film launch tonight. one of Smitten's friends has done a graduate film about belly dance and it is premiering tonight. we are attending

kinda cranky with Smitten

so Smitten is going through a rough spot in her life. She has a co-worker who is one of the most annoying/irritating human beings on the planet. no really - i've met her. she is really dimwitted and doesn't get it. get anything. and she is in the same office as Smitten. and she sings to herself and interrupts all the time and argues with Smitten - even though Smitten is ostensibly her supervisor. And doesn't complete her assigned duties. But Smitten's boss won't green-light any action.

This lady was transferred to Smitten's section because this lady was so irritating to all her old co-workers (i have heard this from their mouths). But they won't dispatch this lady because they are a "caring organization" who doesn't fire people because they don't really believe in firing - no matter how slack or incompetent - they believe in working with their staff to improve.

Except Smitten's boss won't let her intervene.

blah, blah, blah

Smitten's Dad is sick and in and out of the hospital. Smitten is somewhat estranged from her Dad and resents having to spend the time arranging for his care. He in essence abandoned her when she was young and Smitten's mother was a mega-cow (my word but a description echoed by all of her children).

Smitten is a little stressed.

that's fine. i can deal with and understand stressed.

the other day she was sending me email about how she is really intolerant of having to look after her dad - especially cleaning his place - and how it was making her mad.

so i said i would get her the details/prices on home-care.

and the response:

"thanks for the suggestions as to how I can fix this issue - however:

"And right now, I think I need to feel the feeling so that I can get over it."

I was not asking for you to fix this for me."

ok - fine

i was trying to be "pro-active" in providing support. i wanted to respond to her stated need to have someone in her life who was prepared to do things under their own motivation. she had a marriage and subsequent relationship with guys that took little initiative. i tried to take initiative.

i extrapolated from things my mother said about my dad "Just look around and see what needs to be done! Why should i have to tell you what needs to be done." I tried to be there for her so that she wouldn't feel alone - that she wouldn't feel like it was "always up to you" and that she "couldn't count on anyone" to be watching out for her

that the end responsibility was always hers

i figured that getting home care quotes - after her stating how much she hated the work it took to do the cleaning and stuff at her dad's would not be interfering with her life. i would get a list. that i would show by action that i was "pro-active" and would take initiative.

well, as you read above - it wasn't taken that way.

it all hit a spot in both of us and took a weekend to settle out (2 weeks ago). we had a discussion the friday evening. i expressed my unhappiness with her response and that she appeared to be toeing a different line that she had given me otherwise.

we talked and she said that while home care might be the ultimate solution, she wasn't prepared to go there right now, and that me presenting research on such an action would sort of preempt her own actions and feelings.

i recognised that sometimes i can encircle people in my life with my ideas and my logic. that they can feel trapped by my solutions and thinking.

having uncovered and explored the circumstances, we agreed to let the issue lie

we were heading back to the groove when we had another email exchange

her:

I am just totally stressed out and am at my max .... I will be fine when I get a few days to rest and not have so many external demands upon me.
I need to get grounded so I can cope better.
Sleep is huge - I have not had decent sleep for 4 weeks in a row.

me:

whatever i can do to help, or to reduce the demands on you, please let me know

i want us to focus on your needs in this next week

i want you to be healthy and feeling good

Smitten's response:

"thanks, I appreciate your offer.
Especially that you gave me an offer, and not a solution."

goddamn i was choked. i tried to let it go, but it didn't go. so the next day i asked:

"i am unsure of your intent with this statement

it feels like a shot/dig but i don't think it is, i'd like to think it isn't

however,

i thought that this issue was left to dry in the sun after our last discussion

i am not sure what you are accomplishing by bringing it up after that last discussion on this matter."

i then re-expressed what i thought was our agreed upon posture toward the issue and ended it with:

"i was trying to be helpful. i try to be helpful. i try to take initiative in our relationship. i try to be respectful or your needs, your space, and your independence. in the previous discussion, i put my pride aside and recognised a pattern and a way of doing things that i have that was causing problems. that my approach was wrong. i dislike being wrong - a lot. but i value my relationship with you. so i tried to approach the issues openly and recognising that i had made a mistake in how i handled the matter of doing the home care inquiries. after our discussion (which took that whole weekend to work through) i thought the issue was closed for the time being.

have i been providing you with solutions again?

what is the point of rubbing it in again?

this feels like you telling me that i need to back off and give you the space to deal with your own issues. or is there some other message you are trying to get across? or some underlying issue that was not dealt with in our previous discussion that remains open? "

Smitten called my cell - she was quite upset. she cried, she said that she worked really hard at not being a person who brought stuff up from the past after things were settled and that she was actually thanking me because i hadn't offered a solution and and that most other people she had talked to had been giving her advice and telling her how to deal with the situation.

i let it go and said that perhaps i had been too hasty to jump to the conclusion that she was making a dig. that my own past was intruding on my interpretive filter.

but i've just got a whole bunch of red flags going up all over the place around this.

stbx-Mrs_C was all nice at first too - she had her periodic flares, but was otherwise nice.

i'm just feeling really uncomfortable with this whole thing with Smitten. i know that part of this has to do with the crap going on in my life. that external stressors are triggering feelings and chemicals in my body that are causing me to use an interpretive filter that is negative. that looks for signs of things like stbx-Mrs_C would be acting

i am telling myself she is not the same person, there have been few other triggers or incidents. she acts differently.

but the fear is real. the fear is so real

Smitten just called and we talked. she could tell from my voice that there is something going on. so i explained it to her.

stbx-Mrs_C would always keep me guessing. i hate that. i hate the dark cloud of impending doom. i never want to do that to someone, and while she might brood or think about what i've said - at least she won't be guessing

i'll see her later and hopefully everything will be ok

Bob the Boyfriend - a descriptor post

Pissy asked:

"Have you met Bob?

Just wondering what he's like...."

Bob

What to say about Bob?

Bob is a working guy - he is a gas service guy or some such - makes about $50 an hour. He is a drinking buddy/hunting dog training buddy of the brother-in-law.

He's about 54 - some 5 years older than stbx-Mrs_C.

Bob got injured at work a number of years ago and was in hospital and his wife left him for his best friend. Bob continued raising his daughter (i do not know if he has more than one kid), says he got screwed in the divorce, and has lived alone for some years (since i've known him anyway).

He's a decent guy. He's lonely. He pretty heavy - to the point of health issues (heart/blood pressure) - and that has limited his possibilities for dating. He loves his meat and sausage and beer. That's some of the things that drew him and the brother-in-law together.

Bob was always sweet on the brother-in-law's wife (stbx-Mrs_C's sister) in the opinion of stbx-Mrs_C and myself. As she put it "If [brother-in-law] ever died or left [sister], Bob would be in there like a dirty shirt."

Bob has centre-parted seventies style brown hair, a mustache, and glasses.

The kids say his house is furnished in late garage sale and early knick-knack - with a singing fish or two thrown in.

They have jokingly said that part of their mother's attraction to him is because she could redecorate his place.

I can't offer too much more than that. We went to a couple of wild game dinners with him through the local hunting dog club. he was around on a few occasions with the in-laws but he didn't have much to say when i was around.

The kids both say he tells really dumb and pointless stories (yes, i know that sounds catty - but that's what they said). That includes daughter before she became irritated or unhappy with her mother.

Bob has lots of money.

if i think of anything more i'll throw it up in future posts.

some stuff stumbling around my brain

no real pattern or point to this post - just some stuff that is wandering the corridors of my mind.

----

how is it that stbx-Mrs_C could have been promulgating the story to my children about me trying to replace my existing family with smitten's, and then do the Bob the boyfriend over every day thing? be pushing son to spend time with bob the boyfriend at hockey games and stuff, and having bob the boyfriend driving daughter places when she specifically "forbade" me having Smitten do such things? stbx-Mrs_C said things like "I'm their mother, she [Smitten] isn't going to replace me, and i resent her trying to wiggle her way into my children's lives."

Smitten wasn't and didn't. I respected stbx-Mrs_C's feelings on the issue and went out of my way to make sure that i did not attempt to integrate Smitten in any manner like that.

Once again I listen to what she says and act on it. And then she doesn't live by her own demands or edicts herself.

----

I still cannot get over the fact that now that i am on my own and have a theoretically higher cost structure, that i have more money to do stuff than before i split.

i have higher payments, too. my credit card payments are worth a chunk more, and i only earn a couple of hundred more per month than then.

i knew that i rushed to pay everything all the time because i felt guilty because of our marital fiction was that stbx-Mrs_C was paying the most. but it doesn't seem to actually have worked that way.

i just wonder why i have more money. i can't tell you with certainty, because every time i tried to do a budget with stbx-Mrs_C she would have a complete conniption fit on me.

----

stbx-Mrs_C has told me a lot of times how she is mad that i "replaced" her, and "replaced" her so quickly.

before we split, stbx-Mrs_C told me about how she had this fantasy about how if i ever left her that we would see each other out somewhere. that she would have "lost all this weight" and she'd be "looking really hot" and i'd see her and be all sorry that i ever left her and that i'd want to get back together with her, but she'd say no - that i had my chance.

I think that the way things worked out were a little different than she imagined

----

it kind of irks me that stbx-Mrs_C is seeing Bob.

why?

because i think she could do better than Bob.

but maybe she can't. maybe he's perfect for her. more on Bob in a day or two.

it also irks me because the first words out of stbx-Mrs_C's sister's mouth when stbx-Mrs_C told her i was looking at apartments (Aug '05) were "Well, Bob'll have you."

----

just stuff

"He's over every single day, FUCK I'm sick of it!"

[SLAM - goes the vehicle door as son walks to the house to get his sister as we were heading to my Mom's place and out for supper]

With the above statement (made yesterday), son expresses his unhappiness with Bob the boyfriend being at his mother's house every single day. Yes - every single day.

Daughter says she really wants me to get my house so that she can get away from him being there all the time.

She says that if it takes awhile to get my house she might start coming back to the apartment.

When I asked them why he was over every day they provided 3 reasons:

1) Their mother is "basically insecure"
2) "He wants to get into her pants"
3) "[Bob]'s got no life"

Their fourth reason, added later, is so that their mother doesn't have to cook because Bob takes them out to eat all the time - or pays to order in.

----

And the world turns...

Happy Mothers Day

To the Mothers I know,

to the Mothers who read this blog:

Happy Mothers Day.

The significance of a mother in a child's life does not diminish with time. Use your all powerful nature wisely.

Love your children well.

And may they love you well in return.

[later edit: for some reason Blogger set this post to no comments... i dunno]

Jane Fonda Nails Stephen Colbert

for Terry:

[Video embed removed because it was 500 pixels wide and stretched my page]

Jane Fonda fondles a nervous Stephen Colbert

and another desperately funny one i found while looking for the above (referred to in the above):

[Video embed removed because it was 500 pixels wide and stretched my page]

Colbert Cooks and Interviews with Gloria Steinam and Jane Fonda

For the record, i like feminists too (did i ever mention that Smitten is on the board of our regional Womens' Centre and was President for several years?). I also know some "angry women" (see second video above for reference). For more on that, see yesterday's entry about job threats.

Ischemia

apparently my dad (80) has had some transitory episodes over the last several months. he had one the other day. my sister called me and asked if my mom had called me yet to tell me. she hadn't. i expect she is leaving me alone while i deal with the other shit in my life.

Ischemia

"Rather than in hypoxia, a more general term denoting a shortage of oxygen (usually a result of lack of oxygen in the air being breathed), ischemia is an absolute or relative shortage of the blood supply to an organ."

it's kind of like a little stroke.

"A transient ischemic attack (TIA, often colloquially referred to as "mini stroke") is caused by the temporary disturbance of blood supply to a restricted area of the brain, resulting in brief neurologic dysfunction that usually persists for less than 24 hours"

dad couldn't remember a bunch of stuff for awhile one morning.

----

mom just called

apparently it happened a couple of times (very minor) while they were down in the States, but she didn't want to push him 'til they were home (free medical care and all) to get it checked out. he'll be having a full work-up shortly. his medication and stuff has been changed

mom has recruited us to put the lean on dad to clean up his eating and health habits - mr meat and potatoes and bread...

----

son failed an exam today. math.

teacher called because he was so upset when he left her class. teacher says it's unlikely he'll pass the class.

i'm going to talk to her about a rewrite on compassionate grounds. son found out about the mini-strokes yesterday when he went to do some work for my mom and dad. maybe i can weasel him some slack on those grounds.

i'm proud of son that he didn't spill the beans to me. he was asked to not say anything to anyone. he didn't.

----

Smitten's dad was hospitalised a couple of weeks ago. he was supposed to get out. the health district won't allow him to be discharged until an assessmentis done of his ability to take care of himself or to call for help in an emergency.

yes - public health regulations/staff here have the ability to refuse discharge of people from hospital if they are likely to suffer a relapse or be in imminent danger.

he is getting a home care assessment done (some of the home care is funded under medicare, some [cleaning] has to be privately paid for). he won't be released until the assessment and arrangments are done.

he has problems with his legs failing (heavy smoker)

it's difficult for her because she is largely estranged from him, but feels an obligation to assist because he is unable to handle it all himself. he is not a super-capable guy. he wasn't when he wasn't around when she was a child (divorce) and isn't a very good dad now either...

----

the office politics are heating up inside the organization. there are succession politics after my boss left. some of our "client group" are getting nasty in the infighting. i got threatened to keep my mouth shut for the first time today.

i documented the conversation.

----

stbx-Mrs_C agreed to my buy-out figure

----

got to go teach - later

i resolve

i have been considering the various issues occuring in my life and have arived at a resolution of sorts.

1) son: he will do what he will do or not. if he sticks to the plan that the school and i developed, he will pass and move on the his next grade. if he sticks mostly to plan, they will make accomodations for him to finish his work after the school year ends and he will pass and proceed. they do not want any child to fail their grade for bureaucratic reasons as well as nicey nice reasons (a failure results in a bunch of paperwork and a review by school board administration).

if he does fail he will have to drop out of either french immersion or his computer classes. the net result(s): he graduates with an english language highschool diploma not a french language baccaulaureate. if he drops out of the computer courses he has to spend 1 extra year in tech school after high school. or he has to spend an extra semester in high school after his peers would graduate.

a half a year "wasted" is a relatively cheap life cost with regard to this divorce/family breakdown for him. that would mean he would have a certificate in computer animation/multimedia and a job at age 20 instead of 19 (100% hire rate for this particular course - average starting wage rate of about $45,000)

the anxiety of failing to meet expectation will probably be more crippling in the long term. i need to reframe the issues for him.

all of the above being said, i still want him to pass and stay on track.

2) stbx-Mrs_C: she phoned and wanted to meet to discuss son and his schoolwork and "attitude". i intend to refuse the discussion. i have worked out a plan with the school. her only role will be to make sure he goes to sleep before midnight and that she actually gets him up in the morning. everything else is in his control. i have even set up a structure (with the school) so that he can do his work at school (3 days a week) instead of coming home to distractions.

i have put forward my buyout amount for the house. i dropped my asking amount by $10,000. i project costs of roughly $5-10,000 if i force a sale. if this gets her to accept and buy me out immediately, i am money even and hassle reduced.

3) dad: he is getting old. he is diminished in capacity, but not senile or alzheimers. the issue there for me is that one of my pillars - my protector is gone.

both of my protectors are gone, or rather reduced to supporting roles not principal roles. that is just one of those life moments when i realise i am the adult and the protector for others now. i have to rise to my new role in life - with the fear and trepidation it invokes. and live the surety of my own worth, value, and strength to be the person others rely on.

not a carbon copy of my father or my boss. i have never wanted to be either - i do not need to slip into familiar roles because of my fear, but rather to define how i will be who i am in my own way. i cannot replace dad's financial accumen or his detail uptightness - but i can model a different, less rigid way of living to those around me - a model that will have its own value - a model that will reflect the real me and not the me my parents want.

4) daughter: she has a choice of how she wants to live. i hope the months of living with her mother's psychosis have freshened her perspective on the universe.

5) old house, new house: i seek not to recreate or hold on to my past. i seek to create a new beginning. i will provide them with a new home. my home. a new tree fort. a new place of comfort, safety, and refuge. a place of laughter and joy.

i do not need to hang on to what exists. we will all live a new life. there is no reason to stay with the old for security and comfort. stbx-Mrs_C can do that if she wants.

not me.

6) parental expectations: they have their way they wish to live. they have their way they wish me to live. the joy is sapped from my life as soon as i try to meet their expectations. i have realised that the joy is sucked from my life whern i try to live others people's expectations whether that is my parents or stbx-Mrs_C.

i will live my own life.

i will place happiness, not preparing for the potential of a bleak future, at the forefront of my existence. my parents are children of the depression (literally) and war (i suspect they are older than some of your parents). everything for them is about preparing to survive hard times.

i wish to be happy. i will plan contingently for survival, but live for happiness.

7) work: if we survive the next couple of weeks it is clear sailing until at least the fall. i believe we will be ok. i choose to invest less of my soul in my cause. the "team" didn't stand by my boss and let him take the fall. i will do my job, but refuse to give the team my soul anymore.

if things go really badly i will get severance. between that an projected savings and the cash i will stash from the settlement i will have 8-10 months of full salary - over a year of survival level money. that will allow me to take a course that i have one year left to complete that will ensure a job in "the real world".

----

time to go, i have work to do

some things i'm feeling

this is a time of transition for me - two significant male figures in my life have changed their status and position.

my boss is gone. the consumate operator. we will avenge his parting from the operation, but he will not be back. with his departure we cannot rely on him to deal with all the crap he used to deal with, and we cannot rely on him to protect us.

since it happened the rest of the office is looking to me to fulfil an number of his roles as "protector" and "shark". it is both daunting and liberating. i always felt inadequate to the task. there are a lot of other sharks in this tank. but it's been ok so far.

----

and my Dad.

my dad peed on my office chair last week. i know it's because of his prostrate difficulties, and that he has inadequate control because of the surgery. nerves and muscles cut.

but still

he was always so strong. he's 80 and i need to accept his mortality. he was always towering in my life and my world view. he still is in some senses, but he is a diminished person. i knew he was heading this way already in the fall (and before), but it has become quite apparent now.

it is a loss.

----

i'm quite angry, upset, and hurt by the marital rape accusation. i really can't shake my upset over it. i imgagine it will dull over time, or i will come to terms with it somehow. Smitten wonders whether i should have my lawyer send a letter to her lawyer advising her that i will initiate defamation of character proceedings.

i don't think i can do that given my job. that accusation needs to be contained to the small circle it will circulate in (a few relatives of stbx-Mrs_C).

----

i want a house. i am tired of apartment living.

why?

two issues. i want my daughter back, and i want to do laundry whenever i want to.

i am pissed off that the housing market in my burg has taken off like it has and now i am going to end up paying an inflated price.

----

stbx-Mrs_C is fucking up my children's lives now. i can just see the insidious effects of her poison in their lives as they begin to fail at most of the things they do.

son especially - at school. he's failing. he's missing classes. he's missing a huge number of assignments.

i have to think.

----

i am feeling a level of guilt about the marriage. there are a number of things that i realise now after counselling and reflection that i could have done differently.

if i was perfect...

i am rationalising that i did the best that i could, and that people are rarely fully together or perfect while seeking cover from incoming artillery bombardment.

i am feeling guilt because it looks like the house is going to be sold and each of us will have a new home. the children will lose the house - icon of childhood that it is for them. icon of a "happier" time.

i am feeling guilt because stbx-Mrs_C is already yapping about a couple of decisions she intends to make that i think are wrong-headed and will land her in a worse off situation. she seems to be making decisions based on her fictional reality instead of what is really happening out there.

----

blah, blah, blah

rape?

stbx-Mrs_C told my children that i raped her twice during our marriage.

my son told me last night that she had said this a couple of weeks ago.

fuck

i did no such thing. i phoned her this morning to confront her on the issue. she asserted it to be true. i asked her when these incidents took place. she said one was about 2 years ago and wouldn't say when the other allegedly took place. when i pressed her for an approximate date she kept deflecting by repeating that it occured and that it was forcible.

because she couldn't give any real timeline, i asked her for what else was happening in our lives at that time to help me get an idea about when she says it happened. she refused to go there - she wouldn't tell me any information about the date.

after i pushed for more details she that i had held her down and had intercourse with her. she said "well, you didn't hit me, or threaten me, or hold a knife to my throat, or anything like that. but it was still unwilling, so that makes it rape."

i asked her if she had said no during her incident. i asked her if i had ever not stopped my advances when she said something - anything - to me during our entire marriage.

she said "it was still unwilling, so that makes it rape"

i told her that i was furious. that her allegation was bullshit, and that it was really sad that she couldn't even make up a date or a complete story to go with her lies. that i had no interest in ever sharing the same space or air with her again.

she said something about it being part of a conversation with our son where he kept "pushing me and pushing me" and that finally she was so overcome by emotion that she blurted it out, and that she regretted having told the kids.

i said that she needed help in controlling her emotions and her problems, and that she was being a lousy parent by fabricating stories like that.

she gave me some further shit about still loving me and always will, and on and on...

i said i wouldn't discuss the issue anymore and addressed two outstanding issues related to the separation and then left the conversation.

----

neither child thought it was worth even mentioning it to me because it was so patently absurd to them. it wandered out in conversation with son last night.

when i asked son about it, he said both he and daughter thought it was stupid and mostly just ignored it after the initial moment

son told me that he and daughter challenged stbx-Mrs_C immediately - that they asked her if she had ever gone to the police, or even told anyone else about this.

she told them no.

now i think their view of marital rape and such circumstances is limited by the more black and white moral world they live in, so their question is unfair in that respect. marital rape is rarely reported, and especially if it were as mild as the incident stbx-Mrs_C is purporting occurred.

but the fact is, this is the first time she has ever said anything about this one. she just seems to make shit up and sees which sticks, or gets sympathy.

she has been going back to the me having an affair thing again with the kids. she has suggested that i had an affair with the lesbian who worked in our office (and her lesbian partner) in our supply closet/computer storage room at work. they have both seen the computer storage room, and there isn't enough room for 3 people to move around in that room, much less the rather obvious issues of two activist lesbians wanting to have sex with me in a weird office threesome.

apparently i had an affair on a 5 day business trip to the pacific rim.

and i had a series of affairs while we were married.

and i have had an affair with Smitten for years.

the kids have asked for her to construct a scenario where it would actually work for me to have been out of sight long enough to have had any of those...

they have adopted all the questions i have asked to poke holes in this ludicrous set of assertions. she has never provided a believable scenario for any except the business trip - and even then, only because i had a room to myself for several days far away.

they are growing increasingly skeptical, and argumentative with their mother about her outlandish assertions and attacks.

i'm sad.

i actually want them to have a decent relationship with her.

but i refuse to rein them in when they call "bullshit". just because she is their mother, doesn't mean they have to believe her. it doesn't mean they have to accept her crap when it is crap. i support their mom when she is taking appropriate parenting steps, but on this - no way.

night calls and colour printers

so last week son calls me up wanting to know about some stuff related to backing up files on the laptop that stbx-Mrs_C bought. he wanted to know because he wanted to back up his files because he was upgrading his linux distribution on the system.

you see, he partitioned the laptop into a multi-boot machine (against my advice), right after they bought it. he accidentally trashed the whole laptop including all of the electronic pictures they had since the split. there was much unhappiness.

eventually the computer was restored and a new windows partition created.

last week son upgraded his distribution and accidentally wiped out the windows side again... i had counselled him against doing it at that time because i wouldn't be able to walk him through this somewhat tricky procedure. this was when the major shit was going down with my boss having to resign. but son is invulnerable, and super-humanly capable... being 15 and all.

so i told him he would need to find a file recovery utility and see if he could recover the latest photographs. he found a utility and a howto, so we will see how that turns out.

anyway,

last night i'm at home. i'm just about to go to sleep (early for me - 9:45), when i get a call from daughter. she needs a report printed in colour and the printer they have won't work (son hadn't installed the linux drivers for the printer). apparently it didn't print in colour in windows (before the most recent trashing), either. she needs the report for the morning.

after a little back and forth, and given the technical proficiency of an 11 year old, i decide that i will go pick up her USB memory key and print the file out at work.

(don't get me wrong on my estimation of daughter's technical proficiency. she is pretty good to be able to handle herself in a heterogeneous software and operating system environment including basic desktop publishing/layout in a program she's never used before, AND, understanding the methods required to make/save her files compatibly with the software used at her school [after only one conversation on the weekend over the phone to explain to her what she would need to do to get that cross-compatibility])

anyway, i get dressed, head to the house, drive to work, print the shit out, and grab a report cover - in my experience, if you put a decent report cover on a well laid out/well presented report/essay it almost always gets you a 5% gain in mark.

i harp on my kids about the layout and presentation of their work, and have taught them basic design concepts. i always keep a variety of styles of report covers around for the kids schoolwork. i have a swack of report covers somewhere at the house still, but stbx-Mrs_C threw them in a box when packing up stuff after i left and doesn't remember where they are and won't go look for them. i bought a few more covers at the apartment, but son has recently used them up - i haven't had occasion to properly "re-inventory" my personal office supplies.

i grab the USB key, go to work and print out the file - get ribbed by the security guards about my late night arrival - and head back. she is quite happy. she gushes much love me forever, and doubly so when she sees the report cover(s) (i took a few colours to choose from). she runs to get me some gifts of appreciation. a thing she had crocheted, and a pin/button of her in her ethnic dance outfit. i was thrilled and warmed that i had made her so happy.

i was pleased to be able to help her out. son, over the years, caused me infinite grief with his reports and essays.. this was little trouble by comparison with most of the situations he would land us in (late night cruises to friend's houses to cobble together supplies for art and other assignments [like building a gothic cathedral in one night...]).

i am happy that i am building a new relationship with her. the old one is really swept away, but the warmth and love is still there, and with that we are able to begin anew.

shit at work

things have been in complete turmoil at work. you know the business i'm in. my boss left in order to protect a higher up. a very minor issue, but it's a slow news time... and the tempest in a tea cup has cost me a good boss. my friend.

i expect we will remain friends, so that is good. we in the office are working to clear his name while still protecting the rest of the operation.

it's shitty. i'm grieving pretty bad. it's like a death.

every day we engage in the most brutal forms of non-bullet combat. he was the consumate survivor and operator. and now he took the fall for someone else to protect the larger operation.

shitty.