It rolls on (part 1)

I haven't had the emotional capacity to blog recently. I pour out a lot of emotion - whether it comes through in a flat delivery sometimes, i don't know, but I need to have that oomph to put words on a page.

i am writing this today, less with motivation or passion, and more with fear for the hell post that would be the round-up on goings on when i get around to it. that and obligation to you - my friends - and your interest in my life - and your unflagging support.

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in early april daughter actually called me up out of the blue and wanted to do something together. i was heading out for dinner with Smitten but suggested we all (including son) go together. daughter wanted steak, so we ended up going to the Keg - which was a little pricey even with reasonable selections on everybody's part - but i wanted to make it an event to be remembered.

I have been going out for daughter for Sunday breakfast for some time on what should be my week with her. we go and do stuff together for the day.

she has come out with me a number of times for other activities too.

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this last weekend daughter went to the arts festival with me. she didn't want to go with her mother and her aunt. daughter is an arts and crafts girl and she was going to sell her stuff at the arts festival at a table that would be primarily her cousin's art (cousin M is an artist). but none of them bothered to tell daughter that they had decided to not have the table. so daughter got all this stuff ready and then found out "no table". she was hurt that they wouldn't have told her considering she's been bubbling about this since last year.

so she wanted to go - but wanted to go with me. she also didn't want to go with the eternal and omnipresent bob the boyfriend.

so we went - son, daughter and i. we met up with Smitten who was doing belly dance for a period of time. i took her kids around for about a half an hour while Smitten did her thing.

it was a good afternoon. got a little sun reddened on the shaved head - but was wise enough to know what happens on the first long sun of the year... brought a hat.

kids had hotdogs, i ate chicken curry roti and rice and red beans. son was still full from lunch - didn't want to eat - odd for a teenaged boy

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daughter stayed overnight. we had discussed her coming overnight sometime and she decided to this weekend. stbx-Mrs_C and bob the boyfriend went to a spa overnight. i don't know if they are biblically dating yet. stbx-Mrs_C was touting her "no sex 'til divorce" - "sex while you're still married is adultery" thing pretty strongly - spent a lot of time savaging me with the kids over that - she may be keeping bob on the hook a little longer. but who knows.

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when i went to pick up daughter stbx-Mrs_C tried to hug me and kiss me. i was completely flummoxed. i said no and refused contact after her initial attempt at embrace and kiss. i should have said something to the effect of "keep your fucking hands off of me" but daughter was right there and i didn't want to make it any more uncomfortable for daughter than it must have already been. and i just froze. i had no idea of what to do or say. i was unprepared.

i just said "no". "no - i am uncomfortable with it - no" "i don't want to, please do not".

it was the same thing as other times. daughter was heading out to the vehicle, i'm stepping out the door, and she says "[Cadbury] come here for a minute." i do and she grabs me.

anyway i had said no and she starts into this "why? we were married for 15 years." (we were married for 16 years [17 if you count this year separated]). i said i didn't want to hug her. she says "its not for you it's for me", i just need a hug from you.

she's asking why, and i'm saying i've got to go. she talking about how we had a good marriage and how we could have made it work. i'm walking out of the house and garage - she's following - i'm telling her i don't want to have the conversation and that i'm leaving. she's saying "it could have worked if we tried but you gave up on it. you gave up on our marriage."

i said "i'm not having this conversation right now" and got into the vehicle and drove away. daughter apologised for it happening. she said it was because of something she had said earlier. i tried to explain to her that it was not her. that i always thought it was me and something i did, but that it was something inside fo her mother and that if it wasn't one thing it would have been another.

that there was a difference between a cause and a trigger. and that while daughter may have triggered something with what she said, that something else would have triggered the same reaction at a different point. like me arriving. that if her mom had something in her head, that it was not because of daughter.

i explained to daughter that her mother was probably feeling anxiety about going away with bob. that she was feeling anxiety because daughter wanted to stay with me, and spend time with me. daughter said that her mom had said that she wouldn't go on the trip with bob if daughter didn't want her to. that she would stay if daughter wanted her to.

i told her that those statements were an expression of anxiety and that her mother was fishing for daughter to ask her to stay - because her mom can't generate her own feelings of self-worth from inside and needs other people to provide it for her. that she does not have enough self-love and that she needs constant reinforcement from those around her that she is loved and wanted and that the anxiety about being loved or not is overwhelming.

blah blah blah

(i have this new book that is incredible "Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem". it describes all of this in the most lucid language i have every seen on the subject. this book is soooooooo good. i will reference more on this book later. did i mention how good this book is?)

we picked up son from his grandparents where he was doing some yardwork and went to the festival.

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saw cousin M at the festival. cousin M was having a showing the next day at her studio (hence - no table). we were invited and daughter asked cousin M if she could put her stuff out for sale at the show. the answer was yes.

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the discussion of her mom and some of her antics came up again. i try to avoid the topic unless there is a precipitating incident. i would like them to be free of me pushing the topic on them. when it is weighing on me i will make a short (under 5 minutes) comment and then drop the subject.

they are pretty free to jsut pop out with stuff whenever they think of it, and i try to address it in very short bursts. i don't want to put the strain of a long discussion on them.

i read some excerpts from the book named above. the kids just about shit themselves at the accuracy of the words and phrases used in the book. at the accuracy of the words and actions of their mother and of themselves and of me. this book is uncanny in its reflection of life with their mother.

son said yesterday that he is kind of bugged that his mom and her behaviour seems so neatly packaged by this book...

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did i mention that stbx-Mrs_C tells the kids that i used to beat the dog? and that is why he has gone all "cringy" and hiding again. (the original dog - not the new puppy [not so puppy anymore])

i asked them if they could name when i beat the dog. i asked them if he was as "cringy" before i left. they could only name three incidents where i walloped the dog severely 1) when it grabbed a pizza off the stove (in the first month we had the dog); 2) when it chewed daughter's most prized stuffed animal; 3) when the dog tied to nip daughter. all of these incidents occurred in the first six months we had the dog (got him from the dog pound) - many years previously.

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more to come