Tuesday, January 31, 2006


Yes, I know I should "shit or get off the pot"

as my mother would say. And each day I ask myself why I haven't walked out the door.

So why haven't I?

The reasons will become apparent (I think) through this update on how and where things are.

I stayed until after my daughter's birthday. As i mentioned in a previous post, i had/have no desire to cause a bad memory to crop up every year around someone's birthday - even Mrs_C's birthday.

I am dreading Valentine's Day. I don't have any intention of splitting around then either. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the day yet.

Last summer I spent too much on my credit cards trying to buy my children's affection (which i already had/have, but that was before i even had the conversation with mrs_c, and i was wound up really bad - so i tried to engender good thoughts about me by buying stuff for the kids, and doing fun things together). I am bringing the cards under control/paying them off.

I have done a pile of billing for my business (which i still run on the side) to make sure that I get that cash in order to pay down the cards and generate a cushion for any departure.

I want to be financially prepared for when i go out the door.

I have also lined up a bunch of furniture and such from friends in the event that i need it. I don't have a problem with mismatching or second-hand furniture (for awhile anyway - as long as it's clean). I can always sew some covers (yes, i can sew). Anyway, even if i can't get it right, my Mom will help me... she has piles of sewing equipment.

I have been going to counselling and that has given me some perspective. As Kristin put it: "Counselling will help mature the decision". Mrs_C still refuses to go to counselling. At one time this fall after I told her i had started counselling she said she would go with me. I said that i didn't want to go jointly. I wanted her to go by herself to her own counsellor and understand what she feels. She has refused. The last time we went to counselling together she used it as a platform to describe how terrible i was and how terribly i treated her. Mrs_C stopped going and refused to go again after the counsellor told her she needed to change too. Specifically that she needed to get off my back (my paraphrase, not the counsellor's exact words). For the record, the counsellor made a list of things that mrs_c wanted. i achieved each and every one of those things on the list. and while mrs_c didn't like it when i asked, she agreed that each change had been attained at the time they were achieved.

I am continuing with the diet and exercise. I am stuck at between 37 - 40 lbs lost, but i am more toned than 4-6 weeks ago.

I look good. A lot of people tell me I look good. Men (hetero) and women. Friends and co-workers in my building. Mrs_C. My mother-in-law. etc.

I wonder how much of it is that i look that much better, and how much of it is the "fuck you" attitude i have adopted about many things.

I'm still the polite person i was, and i try really hard to be nice, but i have taken a very serious and abrupt anti-bullying stance. Whereas before i was always the peacemaker and the concilliator i am trying to adopt a more aggressive attitude when people are being unreasonable. You see, i always tried to find a way to make things work so that no-one else was made uncomfortable or disturbed when things didn't go quite as planned, or when a crisis would hit.

I'm still an extra helpful guy, but now i make them ask me instead of just taking it upon myself to run my ass off to fix someone else's problem.

I certainly don't look as tired. My allergies are down (diet and stress relief, i think). Because i look good, i dress to accentuate the physical changes. I cut my hair (shave/buzz head) every week, so that always looks cleaner, stronger, and more aggressive.

The snow will be gone soon.

It will be approaching 6 months since the conversation at the end of february. Probably a good time to do a serious review.

The One Thing She Did Wrong

Kristin wrote a comment on my last post that caused me to think for awhile, and I want to thank Kristin for making me think and develop an answer to the impression she gained.

I want to share some of the exchange with you because it provides a different frame of reference to analyse Mrs_C's thinking. Kristin had not read some of the other posts first, so the history was not readily apparent. (I don't want anyone, especially Kristin, to be under the impression that I am posting this in a retributive manner - I am grateful for having been caused to review my thinking from another perspective).

Hi Cadbury ... first time here; but I know you won't mind :)

I read the highlighted comment as the extension of an apology.

that quote:

"I thought you loved me so much you would never leave me, so I didn't ever consider what I might be doing to you with what I said and did."

Kristin posted a short while later with a different impression of Mrs_C's position.

My response and thoughts:

Kristin, when i received your post, i assumed that you might not have read through the entire blog.

but i wasn't sure

so i went back and read my last post "Mrs_C quote of the decade" and re-read Mrs_C's statement from the lens/filter your statement provided

to be honest, i think that mrs_c's comment was meant as an apology of sorts... or at least an explanation of her behaviour.

mrs_c has only admitted to making 3 mistakes in her life (outside of "professional" mistakes in some specific task or job she was doing [oh, i picked the wrong colour for the kitchen. oh, i should have started supper earlier. oops, wrong turn]).

i think her statement is as far as she can go toward an apology

i finally pinned mrs_c down on a response to the question: name one thing you believe you have done wrong during our marriage, or one problem that is your fault or that you are responsible for

her answer:

I shouldn't have been so hard on you or been so mean to you about the things you did. It was wrong of me to be that mean.

Once again, Mrs_C's only failing is to have been less magnanimous about my abject failures than she should have been.