I had re-read all the comments on the blog last week. I had read snippets of what I wrote. Today I read the whole thing from start to finish - all of my posts.
What a fucking nightmare!
I didn't even remember some of that stuff.
I'm mind boggled. Holy shit. Stunned.
I going to copy and format it into a small bound publication for myself. I intend to put it into the drawer on my bedside table.
Yesterday I went to the house to write out some post-dated cheques for the kids ethnic dance stuff. While I was there Mrs_C opened a conversation about the kids. And then school. And how she was relating to them. And how she had realised something about herself. And her need to re-engage our son who is so angry with her. And something she'd read in one of her Dr. Phil books. And how that reflected on our relationship. That she realised that she wanted me to re-affirm every day that I loved her totally. And that she would test me every day on how much I loved her. And get angry at me when I didn't meet her mark. And how that was wrong. And how she was changing and going to change and how I should come home.
Yep. It took less than 5 minutes while I was writing out the cheques.
Mrs_C tried to get me to re-commit to the "make it work" scenario. The "committed to making it work" scenario. I refused.
I told her that her actions spoke louder than words. That she hadn't changed. She said "How should I change? All you have to do is tell me."
I informed her that I had told her last fall (2005). Just leave me be. Don't analyse. Don't play psychiatrist. Don't talk about the relationship. Just live and be happy. Don't pressure me to make you feel special and that she is the one and only every moment of my existence. I told her that when I first agreed to stay fall 2005. Even when she was silent there was an undertone to her language and posture.
She's never actually left things to heal. Always picking at the wound.
I told her that even today she couldn't help herself and was on it like a dirty shirt in 5 minutes. And that she was keeping me from both eating and my exercise because she just couldn't help herself. And that I can't live with her.
She kept trying to engage me by bringing up yet another way of approaching the same old topic.
My son got a wasp bite in the afternoon. His arm was swollen from what the doctor thought was an infection. She had a prescription. I kept telling her that instead of talking about our relationship and re-hashing old ground she should go get the prescription. She kept on with the relationship talk. For a total of 20 minutes while our son had a swollen arm.
I got angry and I told her to stop it. To just drop it and be responsible as a parent. That it was inappropriate to have any conversation like this while our son was in any danger. That I was going to go eat and work-out. And I left.
She called me in tears at 10:45 at night as I was cleaning and preparing my lunch for the next day. She asked me if she could come over. If I would just hold her. That she had not place to turn emotionally. I snarled in my reponses at first (yes - at first). Quickly she broke me down. Tears do that to me.
I agreed she could come over with two provisos: 1) no sex or asking for sex (she's tried a bunch of times) 2) maximum 15 minutes.
I talked for 10 minutes and then told her I needed to finish my stuff. She could stay and stand in the kitchen until I was done. She blathered on with high pressure stuff about how bad the kids wanted us to get back together. Anecdote here and anecdote there. Part of the problem was that my kids had already briefed me on lots of these conversations and their version was different. My son has warned me all along about how he overhears (listens in on) his Mother's versions of conversations he has with her and how they bear no resemblance to what he said.
She didn't push me directly like earlier.
I finished my stuff and asked her to leave. She did.
Today I thought about the idea of going back and the illness it brought to me. The vomit feeling in my guts.
That's part of the reason I went back to what I had posted - to read the stuff I wrote describing the environment in our home before I left.
I thought about Mrs_C's whining and prying and levering on the issue of the effect of the break-up on the children.
And it brought this comment to mind:
"Your children, no matter how you've tried to veil the truth from them, realize the hard truth about your relationship. They're taking in every word, look, and move. They're learning how adults interact with each other in intimate relationships.
Like it or not, they're learning how to be like you and your wife. This will continue unless you show the strength I know you have, make a stand, and set healthy boundaries"
"Remember, I work with kids whose parents mimic more than a handful of your wife's behaviors. I see the scars each and every year in a new group of kids. Sure, television, music, movies, and gossip rags CAN contribute to the creation of personalities, fighting styles, and various other behaviors.
However, after working with the population I do for many years, I can tell you with great certainty that parents and homelife are the true deciding factors."