I got a call from the kids yesterday. They are on vacation with their Mother in another city. They went with Mrs_C's Mother and Father.
[tangent]
Father-in-law has always been, uhhhhh, a little slower. Not stupid, per se, but slower. He's not a well educated man (grade 6), and he's 80 something, and he's worked either on the farm by himself or in manual labour jobs his whole life. English is also not his first language. He has also suffered from depression in his life. His manner of speaking is slow. He repeats himself a lot.
He's a decent enough man, even if he holds a number of racist and right-wing and conservative catholic religious views I do not agree with or care for. He is a product of his era and his life history. Because of this I do not hold much against him for his views, even while they grate many times. He is not an active hater, and while he regularly makes cracks and racist remarks about various visible minorities, he actually voted for the only black guy to ever run for public office in his area.
[/tangent]
Anyway, son and daughter tell me that on this trip Father-in-law has been forgetting their names and who they are. Repeatedly. He forgot who their father was and then couldn't remember my name when he did actually remember who they were a few minutes later.
Son and daughter and I just got back from my Uncle and Aunt's 50th wedding anniversary. My Aunt has Alzheimer's. She is functional but doesn't remember anything except who her husband is. This was identified some years ago. My children have witnessed her deterioration in visits my Dad has had with his brother (Uncle) and with this Aunt. They have been gracious and kind in dealing with her. I have been proud of their patience. She was recently put into a "home".
The kids have seen and dealt with the outward symptoms of Alzheimer's for some years.
In the last two days they have witnessed tremendous and abnormal forgetfulness on the part of their Grandfather. They told their Mother and their grandmother.
Mrs_C and Grandmother (and Mrs_c's sister that lives in the same city as us) have in the past resentfully rejected any of the suggestions that either the kids or I have offered over the last few years that there is something more to Father-in-law's ways.
Now it has smacked them in the face. They both saw it happening on this trip. There are no signs of anything like a stroke (according to the kids when I quizzed them about the situation over the phone) - it's just the same memory and personality issues exacerbated many times over.
The kids are handling it with humour and aplomb.
Their Mother and Grandmother less so. Both kids are concerned that they will feel the brunt of the emotion about it. They report that their mother has already said (they were listening in through an open window while the other two talked outside) "And isn't it great that this happens at the same as [cadbury] leaves me."
I told the kids to call me any time.
I'm not there, and I have a great desire to limit my contact with Mrs_C, so I have no intention of intervening. I have concerns about the old man's welfare under the less than informed and highly emotional and erratic guidance and decision making of the people around him. But he's not my Father and they have all rejected me pretty hard since things have occurred with Mrs_C and I.
Father-in-law actually suggested that I would have to "Answer to God" for my actions surrounding the separation with Mrs_C - and not "answer to God" in anything other than the eternal damnation scenario.
I think that unless my kids ask me to do something I am going to resist my natural do-gooder tendencies and stay out of the situation. It is also the sort of thing that Mrs_C would absolutely use to try to guilt me into staying tied to her.
I'm saddened.
“All I want is for the baby to be healthy!”
8 months ago
4 comments:
When my daughter told me, because she had already said the word Alzheimer's to her mother, I told her to also say that he needs to be tested as quickly as possible because the Alzheimer's arresting drugs they have now can stretch/stave things off for 2-5 years - but it needs to be doen as absolutely as quickly as possible and at as early a stage as possible.
My natural problem solving do-ggoder tendencies popped out immediately.
Then after hanging up I considered my actions to the configuration discussed in my post.
Which is my posture now.
Your words are well taken L'il Sis
I'm proud of you for keeping your distance. I know it's hard but in the long run I think it's the correct choice.
Poor Father-in-Law. Mrs. C knows the situation now, so it is up to her to help her father. And it can be healing as well, taking care of an aging parent.
Yes, the other site is one I maintain. I just post the stories, it was three times per week, but now I just do it on Mondays (for three stories).
Toots, I understand this scenario all too well. I watched my grandfather and my father sit in total denial as my grandmother's alzheimers caused her to deteriorate slowly and pathetically. Oddly enough, it WAS the children (my children) who handled it best. As adults, we don't want to face the fact that WE are getting older and that we are closer to that scenario than we are to going back to a more fun type of childish antics. It's good that your kids are talking to you about this. While it's perfectly okay for them to drop hints about how similar "Grandpa Mrs_C" is to their other "Aunt Mr_C", until the adults who remain in denial will accept this, they may be more likely to fuss at the children. Don't let that deter the kids from speaking their minds, though, as long as they are polite. I'm glad to see that you are separating, too. I hope this will bring you much needed and deserved happiness.
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