Saturday, December 19, 2009

it's done

got a call on monday at just after 5 while i was in texas

they got the cheque at 4:57pm

it was deposited in my account on tuesday afternoon by my lawyer

more when i have the mental fortitude to tell you the details

i'm tired - still exhausted from a hard core 2000 mile drive (my parents) from here to texas in 3 days and a day long flight home wednesday and piling straight back into work on thursday

i have instructed my lawyer to update the divorce filing from 2007 and get it done

it should be done while i am in the sunny caribbean after christmas for 2 weeks

can you believe the stbx told my daughter she missed me?

maybe it's true,

but i think she should have thought of that before

Monday, December 07, 2009


as sent to Smitten in an email moments ago:

my lawyer promptly called me back from the message i just left

the word he had on friday was that they had the bank transfers

her lawyer, that is

[my lawyer] "had a run in" with [her lawyer] and told her "come on - this
much time - this can't be anything but stalling"

her lawyer denied it

[my lawyer] pressed them for interest, because the only one getting the
benefit is her [stbx]

they promise expeditiousness

he thinks that even her lawyer is complicit in stalling, and considers
it to be quite improprietous professional conduct

he thinks maybe we'll see some cash this week...

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

day 19 of 7...

email to lawyer:

Subject: bank says i'm still on the mortgage, and there are no flags to indicate a transfer...

i just got off the bank with the branch in an official phone call to them about the status of the mortgage that my name is on

they tell me that there are no flags or messages with regard to the mortgage being transferred

they said something might be on a mortgage officer's desk, but that nothing shows in their system, and that they can't give me anything other than what shows up under my name

the lady told me that unless i can give them the name of a mortgage officer who is being dealt with they can't get any more information

is there any proof she has even talked to the bank?

is there any proof being offered by her lawyer that she/they are doing anything other than jerking me around some more?


called [property registry]

my name is still on the property title and there is no indication of a title transfer request on the record


i am seriously choked

19 days of 7

Sunday, November 29, 2009

stbx at the bank

i have been floating in a void of no information

i have been harassing my lawyer daily

he is sick of this. he is only doing family law because my lawyer is on maternity leave, and the other family law lawyer left the firm. so the others have to pick up the cases.

he is sick of the stbx and her bullshit - terribly

in one of our meetings he told me he "now understood" my anger and frustration when he looked at the the file - which is about 6 inches thick...

he sent me this email on friday

Re: day 15 of 7 - any word on anything?

[cadbury], I am out of the office most of today. I did hear that mortgage documents were the issue and I have followed up.
-----Original Message-----
From: [cadbury]
To: [lawyer]
Sent: 11/27/2009 10:17:18 AM
Subject: day 15 of 7 - any word on anything?

has anyone on the other side even returned a phone call?

is there any information on anything?


i was not satisfied with this amount of information because i believe the stbx is not acting in good faith and is actively stalling for every day she can - it is her pattern - a minute, and hour, a day, a week - stall, stall, stall

so i went to the bank. i am still on the mortgage. i was going to talk to a mortgage officer and find out if there was "anything i needed to do, or needed to instruct my lawyer to do" to facilitate disposition of the title transfer. iwas going to be utterly sincere, explain how i don't talk much with the stbx, but that she had said there was some kind of authorisation thing that was held up, and that she had told me that i needed to sign something at the bank - and could they tell me what i needed to do or have my lawyer do

they wouldn't tell me very much, but what they would tell me would verify whether she had even been to the bank to talk to them, and might allow me to glean a little information

i was, and am, of the opinion that she hadn't done anything and that it was only the threat of suing that would motivate her


i got to the bank

i was waiting for the mortgage receptionist to get off the phone, when

guess who walked in?

the stbx

she looked directly at me, but gave no acknowledgment. i gave none to her either.

she turned her back to me and waited

i waited for a minute because i had not anticipated this possible situation. i thought she would be on her way to work at that moment.

then i left

at least we know she was at the bank and waiting to talk to a mortgage officer...

Thursday, November 26, 2009

day 14 of 7

still no money

still no word from my lawyer

my lawyer seems to be avoiding my calls

as of yesterday the property registry says my name is still on the registry

title transfers take 3.5 days with another day for transmittal...


Thursday, November 19, 2009

7 days (and holding)

sent the following to my lawyer:

Subject: any word on settlement payment?

as above

not expecting they will have it done, just wondering if there is any
word as to their progress.

the thing that i am fearful of, is that she/they have done essentially
nothing and will stall for 2 or 3 weeks on getting this done


lawyer called me back to say that all he has heard is the whistling wind

he hasn't even been able to reach her lawyer(s)

the agreement says i'm supposed to get my money 7 days from signing. it's now 9 days since the fully countersigned documents were returned to her lawyer

he has left a voicemail reminding her of the 7 day provision. he advised them that we understand that it might take a day or two extra, especially with the Remembrance Day holiday in there. he reminded them that we are now in a position to take enforcement action against them and force the sale of the house, among other remedies. he has asked for their estimate of when it will be done.


daughter told me that the stbx told her flat out that she was stalling as long as she could because "she thinks she'll be broke as soon as she pays you"

as always, if they say it isn't about the money - it's about the money...

Jewish Santa

I'm going to be out of country (driving my parents to Texas [hopefully meeting Sicilian while down there - she lives very near our route]) when the clinic's childrens' Christmas Party is on. I would have been Santa otherwise.

But, being as I will be some 2000 miles away...

And being as there is a shortage of males on staff, and the various husbands and partners are not very good sports [grump].

The boyfriend of one of our staffers is going to be Santa.

He's from New York (metro). He's Jewish. He's studying to be a Rabbi. Lived in Israel on a Kibbutz and all the rest...

(I am friends with them - he's hilarious)

This is one of the funniest absurdities I have encountered in some time.

(He says that he wants to be known to the adults as "Morty Claus" from Macy's.)

Hey - Jesus was Jewish too...

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

illness screening centre

i am being somewhat circumspect in my language in this post because i don't particularly want to pop up on any search engines for the normal terms used.

as you are aware the hospitals and medical system here is government run and paid for. there are private clinics (usually owned by the doctors at the clinic) that bill to the government. the private labs also bill the government - it's sort of hybrid between a full state system and an insurance/HMO kind of deal - except no-one gets turned down. the medical care insurance commission (which may not be even called that anymore) is a giant bill paying centre. you show up at a medical practitioner, show them your health card (government issue), and everything else is just auto-magically taken care of. all the billing is direct between the provider and the government. no deductables, no forms (patient forms - the provider sends all the paperwork and electronic billing).

lots of the specialists are on salary and some level of fee for service.

i work in a large co-op clinic (theoretically "owned" and controlled by the members) that is "arms length" from the government/department of health, but is fully funded by the government.

the emergnecy departments are being swamped by people with flu symptoms. over 300 a day (our community only has about 350,000 people at most in urban/rural coverage area)

300 people a day extra is a fair volume.

so our clinic volunteered to be the screening centre - regular and the "porcine" variety. we have all been immunised for a couple of weeks already as health care workers (some staff didn't get immunised, but only a couple)

it's really interesting to be part of this kind of an organisational effort to "tool up" for handling this. everything from needing metal garbage cans (sterilisation), parking logistics, line ropes, ordering extra masks, blah, blah

it's really kind of cool

i am totally a "systems" guy. i love knowing the tiny details about how things run, and all the little tricks and bits that allow systems to run - everything from manufacturing plants to laundry facilities to sewage to power plants and grids to road crews - i'm on it. physical plant and methods of organisation. i want to know. every detail.

this is neat

also, being the new guy and the "man about the house" in the circle of 56 long term employed women, i'm culturally less likely to be all bitchy about all the extras that have to be done to make this work. i am afraid that my long term employed/unionised comrades (i'm union too - former shop steward and provincial labour council member, i might add) are concerned more with how this might inconvenience them, than in just getting the job done...

so, even though i'm the computer guy/privacy officer, i fix toilets, buy garbage cans, put up rope lines, move furniture, run cables and power, paint, cover open areas and wipe walls with germicides

i figure i'm being paid to work. this is a special situation, and everyone can bend a little to meet the need.

there are a lot of sick people out there and there will be a lot more when this peaks in the projected 4 - 6 weeks.

it's still pretty neat

and further fucking around begins...

so i sign the documents this morning.

my lawyer [R] says that the stbx's lawyer [J] has advised him that the stbx says that financing is not in place. nothing is prepped. she [J] says.

the stbx has been telling me and the mediators that everything was ready to go and that all i had to do was sign the transfer agreements. since june she's been saying this.

now, nothings done. they say.


well, it's predictable. at least the agreement is signed and it stipulates that they have 7 days to come up with the money. they signed it.

i will so sue. and so fast.

i have a contract now. they will have some defense against a suit if they can prove that they are diligently and expeditiously following up on their end of the contract. but if they try to delay for any reason, i will be so on their ass.

i have something to work with now

she doesn't have all the control anymore

whomever said "possession is nine-tenths of the law", sure knew what they were talking about. but now i have a contract (settlement).


i told my lawyer to complete the divorce proceedings. i filed a year or two ago, but it was never completed. he is sending the sign-off documents when he returns their signed copies of the settlement so that the stbx can sign the divorce stuff right away - the stbx will have to go in to sign various transfer documents. we'll see what her reaction is to having the divorce papers that fast.

i hope it makes her ears bleed


i have requested my lawyer draw up a new will to replace the interim documentation that i had put together after separating.

i am establishing a trust for my kids money - no-way they are getting their hands on any cash until they are much older and straightened out a bit.

i am putting in some provision for Smitten

and that's pretty much it

i don't have much

$350,000 or so in life insurance through the Knights of Columbus, i have to check and see what my work group life plan is... and then whatever is left of any assets after debts.

i figure i put the $350 towards the kids, and the rest to Smitten.

not that i'm planning on dying soon

you see, now i have a life to live

Monday, November 09, 2009

she signed

she signed the settlement

today - they waited until 4:47pm to have it arrive at my lawyer's office - 5pm was the deadline for the deal to be off.

the last deadline was friday at 5pm. they said thursday that they would sign on friday, because otherwise we would be in court. and then at 3:30pm sent my lawyer an email that said that the stbx had another urgent matter to attend to (turned out to be changing her parents' shower head). they promised monday. this morning i sent back a note that said that i would not extend the deadline again and that my lawyer had instructions to draft the court documents to be delivered to the court on tuesday morning.


3 years, 4 months, 9 agreements and deals with numerous side deals, 2 formal lawyer drafted agreements later

she signed

fuck i hate her

i hate her so much

her actions all the way through say what kind of a human being she is.

i am so better off without her

as much as i can keep her away

she can still fuck me around on taking her sweet time on paying me - even though there is a 7 day clause - she'll still fuck with me

as soon as the papers with my signature are delivered to her lawyer, my lawyer has instructions to file the actual divorce documents



Wednesday, October 28, 2009

attention Canadian Maritime reader

did you move from Halifax to a neighbouring province?

i still don't know who you are

(you also use a mac and firefox [and that's all i know...])

someday you should say hello - even if only as an anonymous comment

i hereby dub you "Maritimer" if you don't have an ID

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

3 weeks wait, still pending

three weeks ago i dropped off the draft agreement

three weeks ago she said it looked swell

two weeks ago she said she'd be signing it by that friday

last week i told my lawyer (my lawyer has been a total slackass) to tell stbx and her team that if we didn't have a response by friday we'd be in court

late thursday we get a note saying they'll be with us on monday

got a response today with yet more retarded and bizarre demands

and more attempts to bilk more money out of me

i sent my response to my lawyer for drafting

and wait some more


more on this tomorrow (maybe)

Sunday, October 25, 2009

can it get worse? oh, yes it can...

maybe i'll write more, maybe not

i'm so shellshocked i'm in a stupor


as part of the review of the statutory rape stuff with daughter there is also a mandatory family and environment review with regard to the minor involved (daughter).

i'm not in any danger

once again, i'm the only sane human being involved in the whole process. so the "authorities" review the situation and conclude that the stbx is nuts, that my children are fucked, but there is nothing they can do because there is one sane person in the picture.

and bad parenting and being a wingnut freak is not something they can do anything about. they can't intervene when the stbx hits daughter, as long as it isn't very much...

they can't order her into counseling because she doesn't pose a "clear danger" to daughter

they can't even officially urge anyone to go to counseling

but they can lump all the case details together and dump it all on me and tell me i need to try to get everyone involved to go for counseling. and try to get them to not be so fucked.

i hate this


it looks like my idiot son managed to incriminate himself

one of the things that came out in all of this is that there was some sexual interplay between son and daughter in the summer of 2006 when they were on vacation with their mother

(why is it that all the crap seems to happen on her watch, hmmm?)

it was not intercourse and it appears to have been a one time event

but son was 14 and daughter was 10 at the time. so he may get charged.

probably not, but he might

i'm not paying for a defense lawyer if he does. he's 18 (in a week) he can go to legal aid. he would get charged as a minor because the event occurred as a minor.

even though daughter initiated it - self admittedly - he was old enough - there's no excuse.


i know that shit happens between brothers and sisters sometimes... it's in the fucking bible...

it was a one time event, i'm told

so, i can cope with the event

there is no indication that he was acting in a predatory manner

the police and children's justice have reached that conclusion as well


there has been a bunch of spill-over behaviours and other shit that now makes sense to me

including son's anger about something that he would never discuss

some of daughter's weird sexually expressive behaviour (hanging out in skimpy bra and panties) around son...


i am really unsure of how to process all of this

i guess the thing that really infuriates me is that son didn't think through the consequences of his actions when he went to the police

there are spillover consequences for a whole lot of people - this doesn't just affect him or her and spills out in a lot places to a lot of people

this is a small enough community - if word of all of this crap starts to leak out it is going to make life very uncomfortable for everyone - but especially for daughter who still has to go to school...

the rest of us can leave and hide and things


son is out of control

i had already packed most of his shit

i am packing the last of it

i've asked for my keys back and told him he is not welcome here. not because of what he did with his sister (i still don't have the full details on what went down) but because he is out of control and i don't trust him

he is disloyal;



self-righteous (without any basis for that righteousness);

and is not a team player.

he is dangerous to have anywhere near me.

i don't want him around. all of this could have been dealt with in counseling and in a softer manner. the police have only some fairly blunt instruments to use - like criminal charges


he was pressured into reporting this by his cousins

got all worked up and told to be a hero

and then left dangling

without having thought everything through

i believe that the stbx and her sister (cousins' mother) manipulated this set of events. it fits their past actions and profile.

they just had no clue of anything beyond the statutory rape stuff with the older guy


the police/children's justice would have had to be involved at some level because the counselors would have been legally bound to report it - and so they should - but if it was already in intensive counseling things would have gone a different way...


i cut off his phone and cut off his gym membership. i will still have to pay them out - $250 to buy out the cell phone contract. another year on the gym at $50 per month - but i can extract some of that value in extra training and benefits for me

daughter still isn't going to exercise

so that's another wasted $50 a month for her membership too


no good deed goes unpunished


either i have some serious karmic shit happening to me from a past life...

or, i don't know what


how does this happen?


i'm a nice guy

a really nice guy

how does this happen?

i try to be good and accommodating and nice

and what?


Smitten says that no-one who gets involved with a person with borderline personality disorder gets out unscathed


my lesson

the one i have really learned

don't accommodate anyone or anything

my way or the highway

in any situation now, if something strikes me as wrong or not the way i want it i am pushing back

it's a new behaviour

but the whole good christian/socialist/nicey nice thing has just seen people run over me and use me

i've decided that until someone proves themselves to be a thinking human being that conforms to my notions of loyalty and thinking ability...

that i am going to treat them in exactly the manner i would treat a dog

i like dogs

i like dogs a lot

but they are not people

they have their own sense of the universe and most of that sense has to do with who is up and who is down

if one dog allows another dog to steal its food the other dog will

they have a highly defined power hierarchy

and the big dog snarls and kicks the shit out of the others


you see

there are no points and little respect for being nice

people will treat you the way that you allow them to treat you

and if they think they can push or shove or finagle their own way

they will

without regard for what happens to you

without regard for you

and if you are always generous and accommodating - they will perceive it as weakness

and treat you as weak

and treat you without respect


no more

Sunday, October 11, 2009

august, september, october pics

the above is Tony Bennett. yes - the Tony Bennett - as taken from my cell phone (Tony is the standing/singing figure). got free tickets, went to see him with Smitten the other night. a good reminder of what life and its trials and tribulations has beaten out of us. we are going to try to do more fun things and have more fun.

and less burden...

a previous attempt at living - a sunday afternoon jazz session at a little cafe in small artsy town near our city

a meal like we eat together

the yams and the plate on the right are smitten's - her dietary limitations continue. we don't know what to do. but this one allergist thinks they might have an idea.

she's down to being able to eat about 9 things - on a good day... she gets pain pretty much any time she eats anything

my vitamins

when i was 13 (like my daughter is now) i never imagined i'd be 44 sitting in an apartment by myself counting out my vitamins because i have a stress disorder because of my psychotic ex...

there were more porsches and beaches and private jets

at least i have the hot babe girlfriend part of my adolescent fantasy ;-P

(picture posted with permission)

We both like this pic because of the contrast, and even the graininess of the picture

Smitten's groovy dual screen set-up in her home office. It's hard to believe this lady was anti-computer 3 and a bit years ago. Now she has 3 laptops among the 5 computers now in her house (she will be ditching one of the desktops with her most recent acquisition of a laptop for her daughter (she also has an additional work laptop...)

I had arrived at Smitten's place one night a few weeks ago with cold beer and several bottles of wine (unfortunately she can't drink wine for the time being - trial and error has shown that she can tolerate a few ales, gin, and Glennfiddich 12 year...). She was just wearing underwear and a t-shirt and I decided it was time to nibble on her leg to tease her. She was doing research on her computer. I wandered out after spending some time nibbling... when I arrived back she had changed into the above outfit to tease and bait me in return.

It was very warm, so I decided to lie down on the hardwood floor (a cool place with a good view) and was inspired to take a few cell phone pics from that vantage point.

Please keep in mind, these pictures were just what they were - not intended for posting - just farting about with a cell phone and having some fun. Now shared with friends.


being mindful of the four pillars is one of our goals that we have renewed

hence Tony Bennett, hence Sunday jazz

return to living a life of joy

Thursday, October 08, 2009


they are going to charge the two guys that daughter got together with (on separate occasions...). they are waiting until a more senior detective gets back to do some more stuff on the case.


2 sessions of the eating disorder group so far

had an epiphany

the leaders asked us to do some free-association with words - pumpkin pie, broccoli, raw oysters, turkey and so on. my word - really, this is true - the word that popped up with every food except for raw oysters (sex) was "mom"

the group leader (my co-worker) said - alright then - i think this shows some continuity, [cadbury]

they did an exercise where we were supposed to identify triggers for eating. examples were things like watching a movie, thanksgiving, celebration and such, bad day, "deserve a treat". none of the triggers that the others identified did anything for me. the rest of the group is women. all the triggers worked for them. not for me.

so i thought "when do i binge?"

when i am hungry AND after having to remain in control and even keeled for an extended duration. when i'm weak and frustrated.

then there was an exercise about how food is used. for example to soothe a child.

the leader asked "what elese could we do for that child?". someone said "hold them", "give them a hug"

all of a sudden out of my mouth pops the sarcastic and loudly stated:


(i don't believe any of the above and have never practiced it)

the lady sitting next to me says "i agree with him. just tell them to suck it up"

i said "uh, that's not my opinion - it's my dad's"

and then it all started to come together

and i realised

don't cry
don't shirk
what is the use of play when there's work to be done?




Tuesday, October 06, 2009

just when it can't get any better

[i've been trying to write this since friday... but it just won't come out]

my son goes to the police and reports the statutory rape of his sister (you remember Plan B...?) when daughter(13) the 18 year old dude come into her room on that july sunday morning and have sex with her...

he doesn't tell me he's doing this - he's asked about it, but not said he was going to do it. i had told him what happened when i called in about it - when the police wouldn't take my report and said i had to go talk to a lawyer first...

he texts me to ask me what day it happened. i won't answer because i don't want him to shit on his sister more. then he texts me he's in the middle of filing a police report

anyway - lousy narrative here - but i am having such problems typing this

he files. i ask him what he wanted to accomplish, and what he expected this to do, and how he sees his move playing out.

he doesn't have any answer except that this might make his sister stop - as he calls it: "whoring around" - and that it would put fear into any older teens that might think about banging her.

i cannot even begin to describe how much danger there is to inviting the police and social services to come investigate your lives unless you are fucking mary poppins.

anyway - the detective interviewed me friday. it went ok - he seems intent on only dealing with the statutory rape issue. we'll see how social services deals with the situation.

he interviewed daughter on saturday

i talked to the detective today. everything is going ok for now.

i am very worried about daughter. she has gone silent and distant.

i think she's numb - can't accept this adult outcome

she was always ambivalent about her actual sexual activities - even if she thought she really wanted them and thought about sex all the time

and now the two guys have been charged. both over 18.

this on top of all of son's other erratic behaviour, i am quite concerned. i intend to ask for his keys back. i have just dismantled the bunk bed. her will not be moving back in until i see serious behaviour changes and i believe i can trust him again


there is so much more to say on all this, but i am so stunned and overwhelmed and fucked over by all this i just can't formulate the words

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

overeating group

so i'm in the lunchroom at the clinic here, and i am talking about women and my mother and such, and i crack off with an old line of mine "Food loved me long before anyone else did... except for maybe my mom - and you know - mom's and food... food is love..."

it elicited the usual yuks. except not from our nutritionist, who said "sounds like you should be coming to our group"

a group hosted by her and one of our clinic psychologists. a group on overeating and/or using food as an emotional crutch.

it was sort of a throw-away line from her too.

then i had to fix the computer and projector while the afternoon group was on - and heard some of what the people in the group were saying

and it really hit home - they were saying a lot of the same things i have in my battle with food and eating

i thought about it for the afternoon

then i signed up

my first group session is 12 minutes from now

Saturday, September 26, 2009

she phoned

i dropped off the agreement last night. my lawyer sent it to her lawyer, but her lawyer was busy and didn't respond and didn't send it to her.

i know, because i called and asked

so i dropped a copy off

she called this morning. she said it looked pretty good as far as she was able to read and interpret the legalese.

she wandered into how she really wasn't ripping me off (after i pointed out that i was absorbing the whole cost of her bad investment ($3000) instead of half, like would really be fair (among other points)

according to her, the fact that she was the primary earner when we paid off my student loan 20 years ago is the reason she should get more...


i just said that the whole thing wasn't really debatable - but that she shouldn't claim hardship because she's getting a really good deal

i cut the call off fairly quickly

however, it sounds like she's going to bite

that would be so great

i can't wait

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


[update] if you read this in original form, but haven't read the update at the bottom - you'll want to check it out [update]

voicemail from about 6:05 yesterday:

Hi [cadbury] it's [stbx]

I just got a call from the police

and I think you should ask your young son, there

what his run in with the police was

it wasn't very serious

but... his activities are starting to catch up to him

aahhhhhhh, he didn't get charged, Lief did

they only charged him with, uhhhhhh, violation of the property act

but, they did find him in possession of marijuana

so, our young son is going to be 18 in November

and I am kind of glad this happened because he is starting to see... that... there's consequences

but you might want to talk to him

you might not

i just thought i'd let you know

since you are indeed a par... his...


and you might want to know that he's had a little run-in with the law

over... over this

and he might or might not want to discuss it with you





fucking stbx...

mountain out of a molehill

for God's sake. what an asshat!

"violation of the property act"?

i thought his buddy had done a break and enter or something - which would be out of character - but that is what crossed my mind...

they crossed some railroad tracks in a switching yard while walking between some friends' houses...


we have Railway Police here, as do many countries around the world - including the U.S. In fact, CN (Canadian National) and CP (Canadian Pacific) Railway Police operate in the U.S. as a private police force in several regions bordering Canada where Canadian railway companies bought pieces of U.S. railways. For example, in the US three railway police services, Illinois Central Railroad Police, Grand Trunk Railway Police and Wisconsin Central Transportation Police amalgamated into the CN Police Service. CP Police are deployed throughout the CP Rail System in the USA.

"The appointment, commissioning and regulation of railroad police under Section 1704 of the U.S. Crime Control Act of 1990, provides that: "A railroad police officer who is certified or commissioned as a police officer under the laws of any one state shall, in accordance with the regulations issued by the U. S. Secretary of Transportation, be authorized to enforce the laws of any other state in which the rail carrier owns property."

It is important to note that Section 1704 also states that this police authority is to "the extent of the authority of a police officer certified or commissioned under the laws of that jurisdiction". While a railroad police officer may have general peace officer authority in some states such as California, they are limited to the railroad's property in other states.

The status of railroad police officers varies by state, in that they are commissioned by the Governor of the state in which they reside and/or work in and they may carry both state level arrest powers and some interstate arrest powers as allowed by 49 USC 28101. Although railroad police primarily enforce laws on or near the railroad right-of-way, their police officers can enforce other laws and make arrests off of railroad property depending on the state in which they are working.

Depending upon the state or jurisdiction, railroad police officers may be considered certified police officers, deputized peace officers, or company special agents."

"Railway Police Services are responsible for all aspects of railway security. They are duly appointed and armed police officers that gather their authority in Canada via the Railway Safety Act.

The Railway Safety Act (Canada) is a federal act that allows for any Federal Railway to appoint officers as Police Constables. These railway police constables have all the powers of a regular police officer as it relates to the protection of property owned, possessed or administered by a railway company and the protection of persons and property on that property. Railway Police are unique in Canada as they are essentially a private company that employs sworn Police Officers. These officers were trained at the RCMP Academy until 2005, and are now trained at one of the provincial police colleges.

In Canada officers are federally sworn under section 44.1 - Railway Safety Act granting powers as Police Constables and have the same powers of arrest as any police officer in Canada as 'Peace Officers' under Section 2 of the Criminal Code of Canada. Their federal oath of office primarily directs their duties 'on and along' the lines of the CN. Officers also have special provincial appointments which allow for them to extend provincial enforcement outside the boundaries set under the Railway Safety Act of Canada, except in Quebec.

Some of the crimes railroad police investigate include trespassing on the right-of-way of a railroad, assaults against passengers, terrorism threats targeting the railroad, arson, tagging of graffiti on railroad rolling stock or buildings, signal vandalism, pickpocketing, ticket fraud, robbery and theft of personal belongings, baggage or freight. Other incidents railroad police investigate include derailments, train/vehicle collisions, vehicle accidents on the right of way, and hazardous materials releases.

The primary goal of Canadian Rail Police officers is protect rail commerce and rail infrastructure. The three main focused mandates are:

1) Traffic enforcement and collision investigations, to reduce deaths and injuries along rail lines and properties. 2) Criminal and provincial investigation including Crime Prevention (CPTED.) 3) Public Safety and Awareness Education."

- almost all of the above ripped off from wikipedia


they had just smoked a bowl while they were walking

the guy smelled it and demanded they cough up their dope

they did, he wrote a trespassing ticket for the one guy amongst the three of them that was older than 18, and kept the dope and the dude's pipe - and they called the stbx


while it may be a run-in with the law, her penchant for drama must has overcome her again

you see - the stbx has gotten what she wanted - her son moved home


because she is incompetent as a parent and as a human being, she is trying to draw me back in on parenting issues (more details on that in a different post) - after slagging me for so long about my parenting - and blaming me for everything that goes wrong

(just like she is trying to blame me for daughter having sex with that dude - when it happened at 10:30 am just a few feet from her bedroom - because she was "too tired" to drive him home

but it's still my fault)


but i digress


yes - a brush with the law

about as rough as a speeding ticket

a ticket for crossing railroad tracks

Thursday, September 17, 2009

settlement pending (maybe...)

(Readers: if you spot a real name or location or company name please let me know immediately so i can remove it)




mediation is theoretically complete - that is the "Agreement provisions" noted below

i am down about $4,000 - $7,000 from the last agreement arrived at in June. why? because i agreed to assume several more little pieces of debt and shit because i just want it all done.

and the bitch actually had the nerve to try to shake my hand at the end of that session - after jerking me around since June. And then gypping me out of several thousand more dollars after torturing me for the whole summer with her: now i'm buying you out, now we're selling, no we're not, now i'm buying you out, now we're selling, now i'm refusing to answer phone calls from your lawyer, my lawyer, the mediators... runaround.

why can't we just go to court? because there is a legal requirement (written right into the law) for mediation in the event of agreement impasse in separation. the government pays for the mediation and provides departmental mediators for free - but the courts generally require mediation and "good faith" negotiation before accepting any petition on a settlement.

she pushes every boundary

she only went back to mediation because I, my lawyers, her lawyers, AND the mediators threatened her if she didn't

i want away from her so bad

i cannot stand the chaos she brings to everything

she ups the volume at every turn because that is all she knows how to do

even the mediators don't want to deal with her anymore. her lawyers don't want to deal with her. this is her third set of lawyers. they even had to move her from the more junior lawyer who was handling her in her law firm to the most senior because she is so psychotic and unstable.

and my lawyers...

they all (mine, hers, the mediators) pressured me to just accept the lower price because their estimation is that with her crap it will end up costing me way more even if i'm already taking a low-ball right now

also, the possibility exists that when they get some additional staff at her work that her workplace might put pressure on her about her bullshit there

i want an agreement signed that will prevent her from suing for support and i want it signed fast before she has a breakdown (a real potential in my estimation - and i know her better than anyone else in the world)

(and before i have a breakdown)

she is demanding there be provisions in the agreement that i can't touch her pesnion - i am using that as cover to remove all future support rights and such from the final legal agreement - we have to explicitly waive all those rights under local law. our divorce laws are the stuff of fantasy for liberal activists in the U.S. - all equitable and decent and fair and protecting and negotiation promoting and conciliation demanding. good stuff when one of the parties is not psycho... i support the laws. i helped write the policy that created them. being the good socialist i am, i thought (and still do) that it is the most solid protection for spouses and children.

but not for me. with a psycho ex. and a system designed to protect women who most often get the wrong end of the stick. which i believe in.

it just hasn't helped me


i am using narcotics like candy - well, that's an exaggeration - but being the abstemious user of alcohol and drugs i usually am, my current usage pattern bothers me a lot (pot [most nights before sleep] and codeine). i'm on on muscle relaxants and another variety of pain blocker. i could get a prescription and be fully legal for the marijuana since it's a standard treatment option for fibromyalgia in Canada. i am still considering that option, but i don't have the will or the emotional/psychological capability to deal with the complicated legal requirements when i can get good quality local organic shit with a single phone call. and i don't intend to stay on it beyond the point when my pain dies down. hopefully once the agreement is done and the divorce is done - i didn't need anything (prescription or otherwise) for the first 8 months after leaving the cow

(all apologies to my bovine friends - it is insulting to them to compare her to cows. i like cows. i like dogs. i like pigs and other animals too [not so much cats, but i still play with them and enjoy them]. but i digress...)

pot nowadays is way stronger than when i actually smoked much in the past...

i take about 4 drags from my pipe - a pinch immediately before sleep. that way my usage pattern is about altering sleep and not about the fun of being high [later edit]a gram, or 1/28th of an ounce lasts me a couple of weeks or more even when i am using it each night[/edit]

i am under doctor supervision on all of this (though unofficial on the pot because of the legal issues), under counseling supervision, under psychiatric supervision (even my kids' psychiatrists are working to help me survive because they believe i am the only hope for my kids - and because they need a sane parent to deal with [the stbx is afraid to go near a psychiatrist and makes a lot of excuses to stay away from them]).

it aggravates me that i can't seem to be able to force a psychiatric review of the stbx

my lawyers and the counselors and the psychiatrists tell me that because she gives "good interview" that she would pretty much ace an independent assessment. and that they can't testify because of the fact that they are in conflict or already providing care or some shit - and that it has to be done by an "independent third party with no interest"

and that her psychosis only shows up after you've dealt with her for some months...

that i could force it, and subpoena them and such, but that they would be bound to fight the orders because of their legal position on patient privacy and confidentiality otherwise... and the kids' psychiatrists are government (department of health/health region) staff with the legal resources of government to help fight any order i might try to get. and the medical association, and the counselors association and the psychiatrists association would have to get intervenor status against me too...

because institutionally they have to protect their general position from super assholes who would interfere for not good reasons

they are all very sorry. and so are their lawyers. whom they say they have spoken too. and i believe them. because we had to support a couple of these kinds of cases when we were still in government (16 years). because the larger institutional protection is more important in the long run...


i'm not going to win

so i will suck it up and try to get the best deal i can

as i said to one of the mediators (paraphrased because i don't have exact wording with me right now):

"this is classic stbx - agree to something, when finally forced, then make the whole process so passive aggressive and aggravating and so torturous and painful that she gets her way in the end"


From: [cadbury]
Subject: Re: Personal & Confidential

On Wed, Sep 16, 2009 at 10:00:51AM -0600, [lawyer's assistant] wrote:
> From: [lawyer's assistant]
> Subject: Personal & Confidential
> The following is being sent on behalf of [lawyer]:
> [cadbury],
> Further to instructions received, we note that the Agreement provisions we received did not deal with custody of the children, child support, or spousal support. We have prepared a draft Agreement, including those items, for your review. Once you have had an opportunity to review this, we look forward to discussing whether we can proceed to forward this to [stbx lawyer] for his review.


5c: some language that:

we agree that we may make holiday arrangements months or even years in advance, especially in regard to travel.

some other language that says that each of us will not unreasonably withhold permission for children to travel outside of [province] - especially outside of Canada

(i intend to take the kids to Europe next year, and my parents go to Texas in the winter and we might want to go there)

Personal Property:

[stbx] has tried to edit/cull which photos i get access to already. is this language strong enough? She may claim that a picture that just has her and the kids in it is not a family photo... please rethink with a mind toward her actively trying to screw me over on getting copies of ALL the photos

Family Home:

this section is wrong

[stbx]is buying me out for the sum of $nnn,nnn

I am taking my name off the title

she will pay for the transfer of title and all the costs associated with closing out the existing primary mortgage

she will deal with any tax issues

there are only two things that will come out of the $nnn,nnn - NO OTHER ADJUSTMENTS!!! (one exception - an adjustment up for her paying half the cost of creating this agreement) I want to pay for absolutely nothing else. She is already getting a way better deal than she should

the two things that will be paid - and i would like them paid by [law firm] and proof of the payment and such being sent to her lawyers and all appropriate parties

1) the line of credit will be paid out and canceled - both names are on it so she/we will need to sign some kind of document that authorises you folks to pay it out and close it.

2) the payment of $2400 to my parents

under 19

do we need to list any of the debts? eg [cadbury] VISA, MC [stbx] VISA


New provision:

[stbx] agrees to pay half the cost of creating this agreement



can we sign any appropriate papers with regard to getting divorced at the same time? would doing it all at once expedite the process?

if we could wrap everything up at the same time that would be super swell


From: [cadbury]
Subject: Re: Personal & Confidential

two other things that need to be addressed in the agreement:

1) currently we have an agreement that i use [son] as the equivalent to spouse (or whatever it's called now) and [stbx] uses [daughter].

[son] turns 18 on Nov 5, so that is the end of that deduction

i need advice as to what the best way to handle the remaining deduction.

do we each claim half (if that's possible) or does one of us claim her wholly and pay the other parent half the net deduction?

i assume you folks have the accounting/tax/whatever expertise in shop to answer that question

if you have to go outside for the advice - by all means (billable...)

the solution on this one should be equitable for both [stbx] and I

2) [son] is a minor for 2 more months. i want additional language in the agreement that the settlement covers the value of support payments for Sept, Oct, Nov of this year for [son]. he has been living full time with his mom since about June.

i also want to know whether I am obligated for support payments after he turns 18.

he is supposed to be working. he dropped out of high school and has been sitting on his ass since May smoking pot in his mom's basement because i told him to leave my place (he refused to even wash his own dishes or the dishes of his friends [and there were a lot of them...] or even pick up after himself [even when given several days to get around to it]). he refused to apply for jobs, then got one through a friend (and got fired for not showing up and being late all the time).

he will theoretically be finishing his grade 12 through web classes and theoretically working at least part-time.

i don't want to pay shit for him.

not that i wouldn't be glad to at a moments notice. i offered to buy him a car if he would just motivate himself enough to get his license. i offered to pay for private lessons since he managed to not have enough motivation to sign up for the driver training offered through his school. none of which has come to pass... he won't even ask him mom (who works at [licensing bureau/government owned insurance company]) to bring home a driver training manual from work (how much less effort could there be than that?)

i have withdrawn my offer to buy a car ($3000 contribution offer - from age 14 to May of this year)

i offered to pay tutors (he's french immersion) and/or tutor him myself to get him through the end of his grade 12. he refused/demurred. i offered to pay half the tuition for his university/[tech institute] computer multimedia course ($14,000.00 total tuition). i said i would pay all of it and then push/file suit on his mom for the other half if she resisted paying. and pay for books. but he needed to finish his grade 12.

i said i would pay for any post-secondary course he wanted to take in [our city], and would let him live with me and pay his food and such. but he had to do his own dishes... and finish his grade 12

i said i would pay for any tutors or help he needed

have i mentioned that he is a certified and tested genius?

as for action by him on any of the above... nada

i offered to take as many days off work as needed to drive him to everywhere he might want to apply for work.

i offered to drive him to school every morning (and used to).

i paid (and still pay) for bus tickets so he can theoretically have transport to look for work

i offered to buy and/or repair a bicycle

i have offered to back and support with time and money and intercession any efforts he might make toward school or work and/or counseling and/or medical treatment. all have been rejected

after leaving the caucus office June 2008, i went back to university. i dropped out of my classes twice (fall and winter semesters) because of the emotional problems my kids were having so that i could spend time with them ([son]'s breakdown and [daughter]'s cutting/depression/suicide watch). i stayed home full-time to help them - help him - [daughter] pulled herself up - but [son] - pot and attitude only

my parents keep offering him work at their place so he would have even a bit of work and dignity of income/work


i don't want to support [son]

i love him so deeply, but....

i will not support him until he makes even a token effort to help himself. i have done EVERYTHING possible - even my counselors have told me that i am doing too much to help him - but even that is not enough

i don't want to pay child support for [son]


i don't know if it is relevant, but i currently pay for [son] and [daughter]'s cell phones (about $50.00/mo each), and I also pay for their gym club memberships (contracts) that they have stopped using (about $55/mo each)

Tuesday, September 08, 2009


some things going on:

1) mediation with stbx. she reneged on the buy-out that she agreed to. then she said she'd sell. then she reneged on that. now she is refusing to give any idea of how she wants to proceed. we are back in mediation.

the whole aggravating tale is for another post.

2) got into a fistfight with son on saturday. he agreed to apply for A job. that's it - just one if he could borrow some cash and such (about $20). he didn't do it. i told him i would cut off his cell phone if he didn't by 5pm saturday. i told him i would drive him to go apply for the job. i told him i would come and pick him up from the house. i phoned him 4 times over a two hour period to get him out of bed to be ready to go. he wasn't when i got there at about 3:30pm. he lipped me off something serious. i asked him if he wanted to go. he said "what are the rules?" i said "the rules are you and me right here, right now."

and we fought is that fucking garage. i hate that place

it wasn't that bad - my knees are worse for wear and he has some serious bruising on his abdomen...

but it was a little shocking it had to come to that

at some point i have to establish a boundary. and with young men (i still remember being one) this is sometimes the way boundaries have to be established. especially since i have established none in the past with my kids - they pretty much got what they wanted, and i pretty much forgave all their bullshit.

more on this later as well

3) i've "lost my religion"

my philosophical underpinnings for life...

i've become unmoored from them. this is a bigger deal for me than it may read.

this is really fucking me up

the world doesn't work the way i think it should

it's not a nice place

it's not a nice place turned bad because aome selfish people

it's just selfish to begin with - and doesn't want to become better. people don't want to find their way to the new Jerusalem - they don't want to "build a new Jerusalem in our green and pleasant land"

my children are selfish

they have betrayed me

and they do not see the way to the new Jerusalem either


i have to leave for mediation now

i am utterly

Friday, September 04, 2009

"whatever you guys did..."

There is a woman at work. She is the "excitable" type.

She works in medical records and is a "fussy" kind of person. Very high strung. Anything that deviates from the exact norm is a crisis and a cause for a total flap.

Well, pretty much anything is the cause for a flap.

Something she does, no matter what happens, is blame me, or someone else, but usually me for the event. And I've only been here since May...

If the computer has an issue - often fixed by a reboot, her comment is "I don't know what you've [changed/done], but now it's not working."

Today I was following the fire extinguisher inspection guy around the building getting to know all the extinguisher stations around the building. Fire safety is now my responsibility too. Part of the "man about the house" component of my job, I guess. It happens more and more regularly. The only other guys are a doctor and a contract instructor who always hides in his office. So I am the "man on call" working with 54 women. Most (3/4) of whom are between the ages of 45 and 60 - but I digress...

I just got a call from her.

"[Cadbury], I don't know what you guys did to it when you were looking at the extinguisher this morning, but it's now fallen off the wall and it doesn't look like there is any way of re-attaching it."

I'm excited by the fact that she personalises every problem as being directly the result of my actions.

I will go look. I will find out that the extinguisher was mounted on drywall and the screws pulled out - just like one of the other stations i put in for repair today.

[put out]
And it's my fault. Of course.
[/put out]


When I went down to look at what had happened, she accurately identified the fact that the inspector had pivoted the extinguisher in its bracket. She also identified the fact that a heavy extinguisher was mounted just into drywall and not properly mounted. She helpfully advised me that she had taken note of the bracket in the lab which is also precarious and suggested I check the mountings on the rest of the building.

all good

all valid

all presented decently and appropriately

and i appreciate her pointing out the issues - really - i do. i need extra eyes - i am not everywhere.

but the initial call really put me off

i'm still the new guy here. i'm still edgy about being fingered as not knowing what i'm doing. which in an unfortunate number of instances, i don't.

because there is no documentation

i mean none

i got half a day's training on their systems

i am left to figure everything out on my own

and even with these inspections today. i get called at 9:20am for a 10am inspection and told i will just tag along with our 2nd in command (she is in charge while the executive director is on holidays). at 10am i'm told i'm on my own and to just handle it with the guy.

i have no clue where all the extinguishers are. they had no list. no map. i made the first list they have had. i had to go look for them in every area while he did each inspection.

i felt like a dumbass

like i do so often

good thing i was in politics and can fake aplomb in any situation - even when my boss had been publicly fired and is front page news or another has been charged with a criminal offense - both real situations i had to handle in the face of hostile media and police investigation(s)... but i digress (again)

so, i've put it on the work orders to fix the brackets

and realised that now that i am the "fire guy", in addition to being the computer dude, and the privacy officer, and toilet plunger, and toilet fixer, and dripping tap fixer, and the heating and cooling guy, and the on-call in the event of an alarm guy (during and after hours), and the pick-up the patient that fell in the bathroom guy, and the muscle in the event of a crazy person guy,

i am also the materials safety in the event of fire guy

which means i have to learn the WHMIS (Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System) for all the chemicals and crap in the clinic. which they only have a vague set-up for - mostly for stuff in the lab. they don't even have a proper listing of their hazardous materials (including specialised cleaning solvents and stuff for the x-ray machine and developer) and don't have an off-site nearby record of the specific location of any of the radioactive materials on site

"Why would we need that?"


excuse me, but do you think that maybe the firemen who come to save your ass are going to want to know whether or not there are radioactive materials on fire nearby? do you think that it would be good to make sure that we have pre-notified materials location with the fire department? so that it comes up when we make the panicked 911 call? or they arrive in the middle of the night when there is no-one around to tell them about the radioactive materials they are about to breathe in?

i have an idea - do you have a binder or folder that contains the details of the last fire inspection and any of the notes?


good thing the stbx had a bizarro stupid unorganised situation with WHMIS stuff at her workplace some years ago and I helped her and her workmates write up their management requests to fix up their WHMIS and safety stuff - so i actually know something about all of this (stbx and her crew are all wrench and "fixer" people - not professional writers (one of the various things i do in life...). management had been ignoring their requests until i turned it into proper memo - then it became an emergency [yes - i am a communications god]).

([sotto voce] but i didn't ever provide any support to the stbx [eye-roll])

but again, i digress

i felt like an idiot

i had a person whose tone and words were shaped to make me feel that way

i have been given little documentation and am having to develop all my own shit


thanks for reading while i blow off a little steam

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

unbelievable... more stbx stupidity (not an abort)

Subject: unbelievable... more stbx stupidity (not an abort)

the stbx says that she told me in a phone call

that "all you had to do was go to land titles and take your name off the property and you would have had your money already"


had she said anything like that i would have taken the steps immediately

fucking lying bitch

lies to the kids

lies to me

lies to her family

lies to everyone



Subject: Re: unbelievable... more stbx stupidity (not an abort)

she is very self serving, and probably believes that she actually told you this. Remember that she is a delusional addict.

Something is up - and I bet that whatever her plans for the future are, are going positively ahead. And so she will completely forget or minimize all the nasties of the past that she has done, as she focuses on the/her future... Which, depends upon her selling the house easily.
The only reason she is selling is because it is meeting her needs.

As long as she is getting what she wants, it does not matter about anyone else. Immediate gratification.

You are well rid of her.


On Mon, Aug 31, 2009 at 12:57:49PM -0600, Smitten wrote:
> > From: Smitten
> > Subject: Re: unbelievable... more stbx stupidity (not an abort)
> > she is very self serving, and porobably believes that she actually told
> > you this. Remember that she is a delusional addict.

> > Cadbury wrote:
>> > >the stbx says that she told me in a phone call
>> > >that "all you had to do was go to land titles and take your name off the
>> > >property and you would have had your money already"

i looked through my records. i received this:
(i just realised thaqt [male mediator] didn't send me information he received on the 20th of July until August 4th - i will be asking them how that worked when i call them this afternoon)


Date: Tue, 04 Aug 2009 07:30:05 -0600
From: [male mediator]
Subject: Fw: update
To: [cadbury]

----- Original Message -----
From: [stbx]
To: [male mediator]
Sent: Monday, July 20, 2009 4:18 PM
Subject: update

> >I went to the bank on Friday, currently I am waiting to see if I am
> >approved for the amount. The loans officer will have a couple options
> >for
> >Cadbury If I buy him out. He is also on the title to the property so he
> >will have to be willing to go to Land Titles and remove his name off
> >the property . I will keep in touch.


Date: Thu, 06 Aug 2009 06:33:17 -0600
From: [male mediator]
Subject: Re: Mediation Summary 3
To: [cadbury]

Morning Cadbury
I spoke to [stbx] on August 4th. Her loans officer at the bank went on Holidays. [stbx] was going to phone on the 5th and see when she was back or if she was back. The Bank had required more financial information. My suggestion for [stbx] is once the finanacing is approved, [stbx] seek advice from her laywer, and the have your lawyers draw up a matriomonial property.agreement. I sense she is still not totally
certain what to do. She seems to want to focus on the parenting issues first.
>From our conversation, I think another meeting should be scheduled to discuss parenting for [daughter] and [son].


Date: Sat, 08 Aug 2009 09:22:50 -0600
From: [male mediator]
Subject: Re: more information
To: [stbx]

Morning [stbx].
I received an email from Cadbury.
His perspective.
If there is no agreement in principle prior to you going on vacation. His settlement proposal increases to $117,500 on September 1/09, $120,000.00 October 1/09 and so on.
Cadbury is not prepared to have any discussions of other topics unless there is an offer on the table from you re the matrimonial property settlement..
If there is no response from you prior to you leaving on vacation, Cadbury is prepared to attend one more mediation session.
I will be available this weekend by email or cell [telephone] or in the office on Monday at [telephone]
----- Original Message -----
From: [stbx]
To: [male mediator]
Sent: Thursday, August 06, 2009 11:27 PM
Subject: more information

> >
> >I made a call to my bank today, I will be calling them back tomorrow.
> >I
> >am going on vacation on the August 10th till the end of August. I am
> >hoping to get you as much information as possible by tomorrow.
> >


Date: Mon, 10 Aug 2009 09:32:34 -0600
From: stbx
Subject: Re: more information
To: [male mediator]

I did alot of thinking this weekend and have decided to sell the house. Cadbury can use his agent and put the house for sale. I will be staying in town a few days to clean up a bit. It would help if he removed the items of his out of the garage.

Subject: Re: unbelievable... more stbx stupidity (not an abort)

Ah, because she thinks you are a mind reader, she believes that her quote of

"He is also on the title to the property so he will have to be willing to go to Land Titles and remove his name off the property . I will keep in touch."

means in her mind that she gave you permission to do that (take your name off) and therefore she intended to buy you ou. She forgot that she said she would "be in touch " and didn't close the loop to this possible action.

She morphed this email sentence into a make believe conversation that she had with you (probably because she had been thinking about it so much).

It also gives her an easy out so she doesn't have to give you more money in case the house doesn't sell or whatever.(in the event that she has to buy you out).

This is not surprising to me.


Subject: mediation question [again] has [stbx] contacted you?
Date: Fri, 31 Jul 2009 15:31:14 -0600
From: [cadbury]
To: [male mediator]

this is my third email

i tried to call the office (###.####) and there is no answer

i left a voice message with humans who answered the phone last
week asking for some kind of response

and what have i heard from anyone?



i have not contacted [stbx] directly because the point of having
intermediaries is to avoid the likely conflict and escalation of a call
from me to her

is anyone willing to shed some light on the situation?

has [stbx] contacted you?

have you contacted her as per the minutes of the last session?

she is leaving the city next week for the rest of the month. am i just
twisting in the wind yet again?

what is going on?

i am extremely frustrated with this situation and how i am being not
being informed

someone could have at least told me that there was no information

but instead i'm just sitting here


like i have for the last 3 years

while i get jerked around yet one more time

just like the last two summers

i've seen this movie before

good work


Subject: Re: Mediation Summary 3
Date: Thu, 06 Aug 2009 18:13:40 -0600
From: [cadbury]
To: [male mediator]

[male mediator] wrote:
> Morning [cadbury]
> I spoke to [stbx]on August 4th. Her loans officer at the bank went on Holidays. stbx was going to phone on the 5th and see when she was back or if she was back. The Bank had required more financial information.
> My suggestion for [stbx] is once the finanacing is approved, stbx seek advice from her laywer, and the have your lawyers draw up a matriomonial property.agreement. I sense she is still not totally certain what to do. She seems to want to focus on the parenting issues first.
>> From our conversation, I think another meeting should be scheduled to
> discuss parenting for [daughter] and [son].

let me be as clear as i can be:

there will be NO discussion of any topics until i have an offer on the table from [stbx]

i am sick of her jerking my leash - this is exactly what she has done every other time. agree in principle to my generous offer of less than half, and then pull the plug when it comes to doing the deed

if [stbx] leaves on vacation without a proper response - that is, having visited her bank and having gotten approval in principle of the buy-out and me being able to confim that with her bank - or her having a letter from the bank confirming the arrangement in principle - if she leaves without that - the price of a settlement goes up from $115000 to $117500. on September 1 the price goes up to $120000. October 1, $122500 - and so on.

if i am left sitting with no response while [stbx] goes on vacation, i will allow for one more session on her return. if there is no resolution at that point i will withdraw from mediation and go for half

fully half. half my debt goes to her, half her pension goes to me. and so on

i will burn as many dollars as it takes

this is no longer about the money

this is another example of the abuse that [stbx] has heaped on me for years - and now she is doing it again


as for talking about the welfare of the kids?

the best thing for the welfare and well being of the kids is for me to have a house

as for discussions on parenting, the only question i have is how [daughter] (13 years old) managed to have sex in [daughter's] bedroom at 10:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning at [stbx] place with a 17 year old boy who had stayed overnight, and how is it that [stbx] was not on top of that situation

pretty pathetic


but - still - there will be no discussion of any topic until i have an offer as stated above

if that offer arrives before she leaves i will have my lawyers draw up an agreement


Sunday, August 02, 2009

i love this

i love dogs

this is totally the sort of thing i do with dogs and small children [heh]

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

yeah - it's been one of those weeks/months/years...

i'm fixed and so is smitten. i'll leave it up to you to guess whom this was for...

speaking of her, here's her arm as of today:

and here's the other one - if you look closely you can see the vague outlines of where she carved HAPPY in her arm in between the two currently prominent lines


we're talking. she talks about having had sex with this guy. i ask her whether she used protection. she says no. then she says she doesn't remember.

i take her to planned parenthood right away and get her Plan B.

i was doing OK. sort of. sort of OK.

not anymore

i don't know what to do


i kicked my son out.

i had given him notice of eviction and warning after warning and he refused to do any shit around here.

so i told him that if he wasn't prepared to do what he must - maybe it would be better for our relationship if he left.

he is trying to figure out where he will go.

because making sure that:

1) his laundry is off the floor (as in the living room floor - not even his room)
2) he does his own dishes and his friends' dishes instead of coming in, eating all my food, feeding his fuckwad friends, and then all of them leaving their dishes everywhere on every surface and on the floor - and then when i bitch about it saying "it was your choice to clean them up - i would have" but when i point out that dishes are often left for days he says "and it takes how long for you to clear enough space to work?"
3) i always have enough space to cook and eat
4) his dope paraphernalia is never left out and visible
5) they don't smoke dope in my apartment
6) friends are not allowed over after 11pm on days i work the next day
7) i always know where he is - he is to let me know

yeah - all of those brutal rules. strangling him.


it doesn't get any better than this

Friday, July 10, 2009

blogroller sucks

so i removed it from this page and installed the google widget instead

i'll do some formatting monkeying later

blogroller's ad-bar pissed me off - plus it wasn't giving me good feeds and showing when people actually updated their blogs

Monday, June 01, 2009

mediation and getting my stuff back

had a mediation session on friday

it was the first joint mediation session. she went in at 9 a.m. and i went in at 9:45 a.m.

each of us had a private session with the two mediators first - there are now two mediators assigned to our case because they expect it to be difficult to handle (and least that's what i found out during the various sessions that morning).

i had already prepared my agenda

i was asking for a series of items. my plan was that i would start with things she couldn't say no to and then work my way into stuff that was more controversial.

we went into to joint session. they explained the rules of how everything works, and then had us sign the mediation agreement. it's court ordered and the government pays the whole shot. it's cheaper than court, and has a more successful resolution record than people going straight into the courts.

they talked to us about not discussing the mediation or negotiations with the kids. the stbx was full of platitudes about letting children be children, blah, blah, blah

they put up our respective wish lists for mediation outcomes on the wall.

my wish list started with me getting back various of my personal effects that i have been unable to collect for the last three years - items that i brought into the marriage. it then dealt with the other aspects of the settlement.

the STBX's list dealt entirely with joint parenting issues

it was funny because the mediators asked for us to decide who was going to go first. the stbx said i should go first since she had gone first every other time.

i had no idea of what she was talking about, but i went first (she later complained that all the discussion was about my issues and not her's...)

i asked for my personal photos back (pre-marriage), and a number of other items i had brought in with me. i also asked for various items my family had given us.

the stbx just about had a shit fit. she didn't want to give anything. she snorted and was dismissive of my requests - saying that anything i was talking about was all junk and old and that it wasn't worth anything anyway so why would i want it. she belittled the property issues i raised as being not worthy of consideration when there were weightier matters of child rearing to be considered.

except she started crying and yelling when i raised any of the property that i wanted to get or discuss.

the mediators told her that whether she thought it was important or not, eventually it would have to be discussed and that she had granted me the opportunity to speak first

she went completely ballistic when i asked to be able to go through to house to see what stuff was there because i didn't remember what all we had, and i thought a walk through would jog my memory. the stbx offered to take and send me pictures and i could try and remember what i want from them.

i said that was unacceptable and that it would hardly facilitate being able to look through a few of the drawers and shelving units.

i wanted to be able to tag items for discussion of disposition

she started accusing me of having robbed her numerous times already and that me entering the house would "violate" her. she complained that she didn't get to walk through my place and see what i had taken from her already.

when i asked what i had robbed her of she backed down and said she was speaking about being robbed emotionally and robbed of the life she had planned to live. she said i had already taken everything i wanted but kept coming back for more. i asked her which items that i had taken to set up my apartment that she had an issue with - the answer: none. she couldn't answer why she would say that i had everything i wanted when i had documentation and her own admission that she had stalled for almost 3 years on even giving me back my personal effects...

she started raising her voice more and crying and crap

the mediators had to ask me to leave the room so they could talk to the stbx one on one.

they got her calmed down

they were going to shut down the session for the day, but i told them that is they wanted any buy in from the stbx she had to be allowed to say her piece or she would them torpedo the whole process as biased against her

so she did her rant. she is still on the joint parenting thing and wanting to be able to call me at any time on parenting issues

i put the kibosh on that citing her past misuse of such calls to bring up relationship issues and history instead of dealing with parenting issues

she wants to send daughter out of province for most of the summer to her sister's place.

the mediators kept telling her that she couldn't change her requests and demands in the middle of the session - that she had to ask for something and stick with that request


blah, blah, blah

it was the usual stbx insanity


she finally capitulated to all of my requests - almost screaming she doesn't care and that she can pick up replacements for everything at the salvation army

she kept mentioning this dresser set that my parents gave us that she refinished - she has been supposed to give it to me for just about 3 years now - saying that it isn't worth anything and she doesn't even know why i would want it or anything else in the house and that it's not even worth discussing so why are we discussing it

as i said (the old saying) to the mediators after the session was done "If they say it's not about the money - it's about the money"

the stbx has been bagging about money since the day we met - and certainly since we got married. it's almost all she ever talks to the kids about - that she's terrified she'll have to pay support

she got daughter to ask me not to tell the mediators that daughter is staying with me more time than the stbx - because then stbx would have to pay child support. i did not bend to that request and even brought up that she had already been trying to negotiate through the kids - a nice contrast to her mealy mouthed platitudes from earlier - about not involving the kids

she ranted and we talked about talking

talked about parenting

and that was that


the outcome that i got was that she agreed to give me my stuff back - the stuff i had listed. they pinned her down on a day and time - sunday 12 noon - she tried so hard to resist setting a time and date but capitulated because she knew she couldn't get out of giving my stuff back

she tried to say i could have picked it up any time in the last three years, and that she didn't know why i hadn't just come over and gotten it - but then tried to get out of actually setting a date and time for me to get it

really - that kind of digging in her heels over a carved african chest and my personal pre-marriage photos, a food processor, and some chairs. I asked for a warming oven my mom gave us and an antique table she had loaned us.

you'd think it was the end of the fucking world

most of the stuff i asked for was in the storage room anyway - so it's not like i was taking something she needed

i even offered that she could keep the dresser and chest of drawers until she had obtained replacements.

it occurred to me later in the day that her emo shit fit and tearful breakdown had conveniently and successfully derailed the setting of a day for me to come in and tag the place


anyway, when the session was done they asked me to stay and her to leave - saying that they have a rule (which they do) about not letting clients leave at the same time

they talked to me a bit more about the stuff that had occurred. here i'm munging some of the conversation while the stbx was having her emo fit and the end talk, but they discussed various things with me.

i think that because i am SOOOOOOO level headed and calm in such settings, and because i know all the jargon they use for mediation, they stepped outside their required neutrality and let some of their opinions show through

some money quotes/paraphrases:

"I think you are over this... but she's certainly not."

"We are having difficulty figuring out what she wants because she changes what she says between intake, her solo session earlier and during the joint session."

i had to explain that stbx often has 4 or 5 different opinions on any subject (often opposed to the other opinion she holds) and that she will pluck the position and idea out of midair at any moment that it is convenient to back up whatever she thinks she wants at that moment - and that she will change in a minute and think nothing of it

we talked a fair bit more about some of the behaviours she had displayed and that i predicted she would display during intake and the solo time

i had predicted most of them accurately

they said they thought i was exaggerating at the time, but not anymore


i went over to the stbx's on sunday to pick up the stuff and discovered that she had left the garage filled with shit

i assumed she wanted me to take it all, because it was stuff i had bought or had been given by my family - or that she just didn't want anymore

i only took the items we had discussed (i additionally took a couple of very small things that my mom had given me - childhood memory stuff - that had not been formally discussed). i left everything else.

i figured:

1) it was a trap

2) it was a passive aggressive tantrum

3) i had not allocated time to move all the crap she had dumped in the garage

i took the agreed stuff

as for the rest, i left it there

i also figured it would infuriate her

which it did

i was amused to receive her phone calls later that day. i hit ignore on my cell phone.

i picked up a message later on in which she said she had put the stuff out there and that if i didn't pick it up that day (the same day) that she would call junk removal people and have them haul it away

i called her and told her that if she did that i would file theft charges with the police, as well as a complaint of destruction of property

she beaked away at me and i stuck to my lines

- we hadn't discussed it
- she didn't leave a note
- she didn't call me until after the fact to tell me she thought i should take it, even though she had phoned the day before (saturday) to tell me she was putting the dresser, chest of drawers, and night table out.

i then told her that i would assume that i should consider all the aitems she put in the garage as tagged by her as for discussion of disposition and that we would discuss them at the same time as i came over to inspect and tag inside the house

she said "you mean you still want to do that? i put everything you would want out there already. there's nothing left that you would want."

i said that i thought it was pretty presumptuous for her to assume she knew what i would want

she snarled "well, if you're still going to do that, it had better be in the next couple of days so i can get on with the rest of my life."

i said "sure" and dropped the call.


FYI - the idea of tagging the items in the house is meant as both the quickest way to take care of the discussion and as a method of infuriating her


my flip commentary and aggressive (well, for me, agressive) attitude exhibited above did not in any way lessen the emotional impact of all of it

my poor writing and description in this post does it all a disservice as well

but that's where things stand

ugly, but moving ahead

Monday, May 25, 2009

how's it going?

i suck at posting

there is so much happening that it causes me writer's block - or writer's cramps - or something like that

when i was in counseling (ended at the end of april) we had to lengthen the sessions because i would spend the first 30 minutes of a 60 minute appointment with a recitation of events filling in the details to my counselor - and then not fully get to some of the underlying issues that needed to be worked on

same here

i want to chronicle the details and there are so many and so much that i can't. and because i am so ploddingly ordered that way... it causes me problems in trying to post - because i can't remember how everything went down and in exactly what order

so i'm going to ditch my practice out of necessity

perhaps its one of those skills i am meant to learn - or one of those things i have to learn to just let go in an increasingly disordered world


where are things at?

i'm OK

my fibromyalgia is acting up - but that is likely stress related. and i've had a bit.

Smitten and I are still an item. She is a saint for putting up with the crap in my life and its impact on our relationship. I am, however, eminently worth it. And I'm actually beginning to realise/believe that.


My daughter hasn't dropped acid recently, does smoke pot all the time, but doesn't do meth or E (yet). She did get a prescription for birth control... the patch. I had a very serious conversation with her about her inability to keep on a pill regimen when she was on Prozac - so she has the patch. I have discussed my concern that she is too young to be having sex, but i am not going to be stupid either. What I have tried to impress on her is: "Try to at least make it someone you care about. Instead of some romp at a party on top of a pile of coats. Try to make it memorable..."

I have also tried to explain to her that she should still use a condom because of the possibility of STDs. I have additionally tried to get her to realise that any guy who refuses to wear a condom with her doesn't respect her, and she shouldn't be banging him anyway. She hasn't acknowledged much of what I have said, but i have had my words come back to me out of her mouth as she talks about her worldview, and from her brother as he relates things she's said to him. So maybe i got through.

I just had a conversation with her - she is having her period right now so she will need to begin her patch cycle right after. She wanted me to pick up her prescription. I refused. I told her she could walk to the pharmacy after school tomorrow. I also told her she is going to buy herself a box of condoms while she's there. That she is going to take ownership of her own actions.


Son dropped out of school. I at least got him to withdraw instead of being kicked out. They had already booted him for missing school, but reversed it all and made it withdrawals instead. I had a fight with him for almost a week to actually be enough of a man to not just let things happen to him - to choose - to control his withdrawal. He was afraid to face the music. Now, he almost proudly explains to his friends how by making the choice to withdraw and to have the administrators do the paperwork has made sure he has no hassles to get back into school.

I think he learned the lesson he needed to learn. That a controlled or managed crash will most often have better outcomes than just letting it all go and letting the system have its way with you.

He has a girlfriend. They are having sex. My condom supply is running out because the stupid fucker (literally) hasn't gotten a job yet to pay for his own shit. But, I suppose, all things in their time.

I had to push pretty hard for him to get his resume together - but he did. It sucked. I had done one for him, and gave it to him after he made his own. Not to prove how great i am (like my Dad likely would have done), but to help him out. I told him that i wanted him to go through the process of doing the resume for himself. That i believe that part of his problem is that i have run to wipe his nose or his ass as soon as it needed it for his whole life - and that because so often i was pre-emptive in my caregiving that i believed he found my watching out for him to be intrusive rather than helpful. So he can do his own shit. He can pick himself up and motivate himself.

I have given Son a notice of eviction. Daughter got a notice of grounding. I posted each two page document at the front door and am leaving them on the wall to see every day. The notices detail the things they need to do to avoid getting their asses kicked.

It has been a struggle, but they are starting to change their behaviours.

It has been a very tension filled household for the last month.

I had to find work. Money was an issue. Son was dropping out. Daughter was hacking at herself again.

But I/we've struggled to the surface again.


My job is OK. Today is two weeks on the job. On my second day one of the servers failed.

Welcome to your new job...

The server and network structure is for shit. i have NO respect for my predecessors. The whole thing is a disaster waiting to happen. I am fixing it. But I will detail some of that in a separate post.


Smitten has been accepted into grad school for her master's. she is taking human resources development.


she is an amazing human being

and i am so glad that we found each other

it is becoming harder and harder to be apart. we have even discussed our wish to live together - not at some ephemeral future date - but now. but we won't until a whole lot of other shit is worked through and lived through.


the stbx is still nuts

we have a mediation session on friday


i am going to exercise now

more later