Friday, August 22, 2008

this is fucking bullshit

i just finished my final

once again the time limit burned me

if i pass (and i have to pass the final to pass the class) it will be a marginal pass

with 30 more minutes (3 hour exam) i would have walked out with an 80 or 90

but no

it's not a test of knowledge, it's a test of how quick you are...

the logic of it all just takes me longer

my work is always good

i am hurting

i am really quite crushed


if i fail, i fail

i will re-do the class and do better next time

i will not complete all the classes in the timeline i set out (1 year), but i will complete my plan, bumps and all

and the future will have to hold whatever it holds

Thursday, August 21, 2008

busy week

assignment was due monday

wrote the quiz i missed - no mark - just got it corrected so i could see my mistakes - quiz mark is now rolled into final - which is now worth 53% of my total mark...

wrote my lab final today - got 88% on the not counting quiz - which included material from the week i wasn't there

got 86% on the lab final - 2nd highest mark in class

final on friday

Monday, August 18, 2008

a couple of pics

some rapids we climbed while on vacation

i will leave it to you to figure out which one is me, and which one is Smitten.

more pics later when i have time to process them more.

Saturday, August 09, 2008

on vacation

gone until next weekend (aug 16-17)

see you

Monday, August 04, 2008


my daughter has begun cutting (also here)

it's not unexpected, but it's still a big deal. and it is taking a lot of brain cycles to deal with.

i need to be doing my assignments and thinking about this is distracting me. i need to be learning a whole weeks work in advance so that i can go on vacation next week. and do an assignment in 4 days instead of 11 days. all while learning the other material - because i have an exam on the day after i get back (18th) - and the assignment is due on that monday as well.

and i have to finish an assignment right now - that is due tomorrow. that life issues have distracted me from. that i do not have the focus to work on. programming takes such effort and discipline to keep your head in the logic of all those instructions...

and being distracted

distracts me

and yes - i'm selfish about it - and i don't fucking care. this is the rest of my life we're talking about here. and my children and my stbx are a fucking black hole that will suck my soul from me without even thinking or even trying.

the class i am doing is the gateway class for all the others and how i do here will indicate how kindly the faculty will be to give me all the waivers i need to get into classes without pre-requisites and simultaneously, blah, blah, blah

and i don't need the distraction


i am dealing with the cutting issue in an appropriate manner

more on that later

daughter told me she had tried it once a long time ago, but she did it again several times recently - my son told me about it


my son cannot wake up

when he is awake he is groggy and listless. and its not just all the dope he smokes... his sleeping patterns are fucked

it took me over 2 hours of harassment to get him out of bed yesterday. 2 hours i could have spent on my assignment

he is depressed beyond description

at least he recognises it

that is something i will have to turn my attention to later

i am worried his lethargy will fuck up our vacation - we are going with smitten and her kids

i expect i will have time to deal with his issues in more detail while on vacation and the couple of weeks at the end of the month...


my stbx, by fucking up my children, is reaching out and stymieing me yet again. she has this way of being able to stop me from doing things by a combination of distraction, diversion, hissy fits, demands, and picky little shit that would stop me dead in my tracks all the time we were married - and now she's doing it again and doesn't even know it

she is a black hole of chaos that pulls everything in its path into the swirl


without going into all the details about the cutting at this point - which i will in a later post - daughter and son and i talked (well, son sort of slumped on the couch and through in occasional interjections and daughter and i talked about feelings and anxiety and and hurt and such).


the stbx knows about the cutting but didn't mention it to me. i have no intention of discussing it with her because she will use it as a way to suck me into her chaos - she has nothing to offer - she won't change and she is the cause. i see no point in wasting my time having any contact with her


i had a pretty good idea of why daughter did it

and i laid out my idea

that she did it to hurt her mother - that by hurting herself she would hurt her mother.

sort of a passive-aggressive thing

i felt/deduced this because i found out that at the time her mother found out daughter could have weaseled out of the discussion but chose to have a "confessional" moment with her mother.

the stbx was asking what daughter and son were referring to in a discussion/argument. and son said that daughter could have just blown off their mother's questions, but chose to answer

daughter was trying to tell me she was embarrassed and didn't want to talk about it.

son argued and talked about how she had divulged the information

son didn't realise the significance of that event

in my view daughter wanted the stbx to know

i suggested she was lashing out, but because she is essentially powerless as a 12 year old she hurt herself instead of her target

daughter talked - said a bunch of stuff

again - will discuss later


i'm posting this much now in an effort to clear some of it out of my head so i can get to work on that assigment


it took some pressure and bullying on my part to get her to tell me what she used to cut herself. that is the only point where i pressured her.

an exacto knife from the garage...

i told her that i wasn't going to tell her to stop cutting. that she would make up her own mind. that she was in charge of her own body.

i told her that if she was going to cut herself that i wanted her to sterilise the blade so she didn't get tetanus or hepititus - i went into one of my usual dad lectures in too much detail on the nature of blood borne diseases (explanations with too much detail are a hallmark of my existence)

i didn't want to get into a shoving match on whether she should cut or not - not make it a point of resistance


my time in politics has taught me how to get around issues like this. get around moments when part of the point is to simply disagree and rebel. get her in a weak point - fear of disease

she's a 12 years old girl - disease is greebly...


i was asking her if she wanted to be a person who cuts. did she want to be someone who is so powerless that they have to hurt themselves because they can't stand up for themselves?

i also asked how sexy she thought she'd be with cuts on her arms. and what kind of person would be attracted to her - and used some fucked up teenagers we know from the kids circle as examples

asked if they were the shining examples of human beings she wanted to live with and be around. did she find their cut marks sexy, alluring, or dangerously attractive - or did she disrespect them. even if it did have a level of "toughness" - was it really "tough" to injure yourself. wouldn't it be "tougher" to stand up to the person who was abusing you? wouldn't that be real "toughness"?

again - told her i wasn't telling her to stop

i only wanted her to - demanded that she - have a fully formed rationale as to why she was doing it

even if only for the short endorphin high that cutters get - at least she should know what she was addicted to. and that she should choose it - not just fall into it.

that it was the same reason that i demanded she give me the details about her cutting - that if she was going to do it she had to be able to explain it. why - the motivation the results and the future

just like her brother's pot smoking

that if they were going to indulge in self-destructive or damaging behaviours that they had to be fully real about it

that i would not bitch at them - express concerns and provide guidance - and intervene if they stepped over an edge - but if they were going to do something destructive - they'd better be prepared to explain it and answer ALL the questions. that i would be a miserable dick until they gave me the truth about their actions and motivations.

that if they couldn't tell me to my face why they were doing something - to explain it - that they had better think twice about what they were doing

(for the record, son has an amazing grasp on neuro-chemistry right now - he knows a lot of shit... good research capability in that boy...)


i know how much bitching and moaning and freaking worked with me - how it has worked with my children

this may sound like bad parenting - because i am not shit-fitting on them

but i am fully engaged with them - i am in the shark tank swimming with them. there is no hands off bullshit here people.

i ignored the shit my parents threw at me - hid my activities. my parents were willfully blind in my opinion. i expect my children would do the same.

i am strong enough to actually deal with it. i would rather be in the middle than pat myself on the back as having taken a "tough stand" and the ignore all the signs.

i lived an analogue of what they are going through and are doing

no divorce, no mother who was psycho to the stbx's extent - but some pretty heavy shit (as i know most people have - i know it's called life - and i know that people have to "deal with it" - but i also know there are plenty of fucked up people who dealt with it in unhealthy ways [like my eating, for example])

i cut myself as a teen several times - unlike nowadays i had no idea anyone else ever did such a thing. i once did it pretty hard - an almost suicide attempt. wore a long sleeved shirt for awhile.

i smoked pot and was massively depressed

i slept and slept and stayed out late and avoided life

i can offer guidance and help hold their heads above water

i think of it as being like an alcoholic's anonymous sponsor. i've been there pretty much all the way.

they won't be alone as long as i'm here


i asked her if she wanted be a victim and play the victim - like her mother


the difference between how i viewed her cutting and what she said - and it is good self awareness - and surprising honesty - is that she said she did it to hurt her mother directly. rather than cutting herself in proxy for her mother, she did it as an actual act to elicit guilt from her mother. to hit her the way that the stbx hits her all the time.

guilt and blame and the attempt to get the listener to feel as though they are victimising the stbx

she lays this shit on the kids all the time

daughter said she wanted to make her mother feel like stbx makes daughter feel. to get a taste of it. that's why she did it and told her mother that it was the stbx's fault (daughter di not tell stbx that she did it to hurt her - stbx would then be able to play victim again).

while the situation is dangerous at least we have a point of discussion


the above about guilt tripping her mom came out in the larger discussion

i told her i wouldn't ask her to stop or tell her to stop

i only wanted to know why she cut

what she got out of it

what feelings she felt

she tried to tell me that she just felt better after she did it

that is almost word for word from articles we read together a few weeks ago when she asked me about cutting - some of her friends cut - some of the girls son hangs with cut - it seems to be about as prevalent as bulimia was when i was in high school...

she couldn't describe any more than that

i think she tried it on for size - experimenting

to see if it would make her feel better

saw the scratches she left and realised she could make a deal out of it


here's a couple of unbelievable things - stbx freaks and spazzes on the kids - and the kids complain - and the stbx says "i'm only venting. you shouldn't take it to heart because i'm only venting"

fucking bitch



and the kids say "how can we do that?"

and the kids say "and then if we ignore her, or her ranting, she says we don't care enough to pay attention to her - that we're selfish and unconcerned with her feelings"


daughter says that part of the reason she doesn't want to get mad and rage is because she doesn't want to be like her mom

(part of the reason i didn't want to fight with stbx is because i didn't want to fight like my mom and dad... and the cycle goes on...)


stbx has told the kids to get out several more times


daughter told me her mother has hit her a lot of times - at least 20 times is what she said


i told daughter that we have 3 weeks together

that we were going to do some exercises together. that she would practice asking for what she wants, and practice saying no - and establishing boundaries

that she would say no, or profess her viewpoint more strongly than she normally would, just to get used to challenging others

and that she would then feel less apprehensive about stating her case in other situations


we'll see

i have an assignment to try to get back to now

Saturday, August 02, 2008

11.3 lbs (218.8)

i am a machine man

BTW - i have discovered that i am not doing 8 miles a day. i am doing about 7.13 miles.

i used to do 8 miles with each 900 calorie workout. now, because my burn per minute is up, my mileage is down.

i discovered that when i was watching my stats more closely after that 9.7 mile day

either way

i am a machine man

a machine man