This will be potentially a little incoherent.
I have no idea why I'm posting this.
Well, actually I do know why I'm posting.
Myssa wrote:
"Well you can use it to post your own stuff as well..."
Lara wrote:
"Hope you post some of your own stuff as well!"
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I'm in pain, and you ladies showed me a moment (actually, have shown me a whole history) of kindness. And I'm taking advantage of it (and you, I guess).
So I'm talking/typing/blogging - diarizing I guess.
We had "the conversation" this last weekend after returning from traveling. You know - the one about divorce and separation.
I have been thinking about this constantly since before Christmas - you know, the one with the leather coat for her, and the sweater for me (read my post on Lara's blog here).
We had a bad patch at Christmas and she told me one of us would be out the door once the holiday season was done. Things became half-assed civil, but have been strained since then.
* Mrs_C thinks I'm always angry.
* Mrs_C tells me I don't do enough around the house.
* Mrs_C is constantly telling me what to do, because I "can't seem to do anything correctly".
My children tell me that I'm not always angry - that I'm usually happy - and other friends and family (including hers) say I am calm and polite at almost all times.
My co-workers think I am funny and gregarious.
My wife's sisters say they wish their husbands would do as much as I do. They base their comments on both observation and on what Mrs_C tells them I do. Mrs_C says I am only nice to her and do things when there is an audience. I tracked my daily activities for several weeks one time. Before telling her about the results I asked Mrs_C if I had been doing more than usual that period. She said that my activity level was normal. She blew a gasket when I presented the activity report and told her that I thought she was wrong about me only doing things for show. All I asked was that she stop accusing me of that. I was in the shithouse for weeks after.
I have a responsible job. I am considered highly competent by everyone else I know. Mrs_C constantly tells me I'm not doing things right.
Mrs_C has been known to recite for hours (on one occasion for 4 days straight - waking 'til sleep) my shortcomings as a human being and as a partner in a relationship.
I once asked Mrs_C to name one thing she believed she had done wrong during our marriage, or one problem that was her fault or that she was responsible for.
She was unable to name a single one. I guess she's perfect.
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When I am in a state of emotional turmoil, my defense mechanism is to be very neutral and measured.
This drives Mrs_C up the wall.
I have been very civil, but um - "pre-naturally calm" since Christmas.
I have expressed my feelings in a level and calm manner since Christmas. I have expressed my unhappiness with the lack of passion in our marriage, the casual disdain with which I believe she holds me, and the constant nit-picky criticism. I have expressed my feelings about the fact that we had sex a grand total of 3 times since November of last year (2004).
In June I asked her if she found me attractive any more, and why she never wanted to be intimate. Her response was to pull off her top, pull off her bottoms and tell me to go ahead if that's what I wanted. I said no, that I actually only wanted an answer to the question. She became very aggressive physically to engage in sex. I walked away.
After that very bad scene between us, I decided that I would wait until the end of summer to tell her that I believe it is over and that I should move out.
Our children are aware that there is trouble and are expecting a divorce or separation (they have talked to me, and tell me that their mother is oblivious to the potentiality - I think they're kids and don't recognise the denial their mother is in).
My son will be moving with me, my daughter will be staying (or so she told my son - not me). Mrs_C is unaware of this.
We didn't end up setting a move out date because of logistics and being unsure how we would approach the kids on the subject.
We are currently in a weird state of "suspended animation". We are terribly polite and accommodating.
I am tired all the time.
I'm up because I needed to think about this, and now have typed this up for you to read.
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During the conversation about separation, she told me that if I would just get my shit together everything would be OK.
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I feel like shit.
I'm a little overweight and have some male pattern baldness issues, but am otherwise a thoroughly charming and engaging person.
I feel passionless inside the marriage.
I can be excited and animated other places. People like me.
Why not my wife?
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I keep asking myself if she could be right, and I'm really the problem.
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I have friends.
My wife has co-workers she gets along with, but no friends.
She will only hang out with her sisters or mother.
We have had non-family members (other than kid's friends) over 4 times in the last 6 years.
I used to love to entertain (still get what joy I can from family visits).
Mrs_C gets out of hand anxiety when people are coming to the house. No matter how clean, it's never clean enough. No matter how much food I buy, it's too much - until the moment it needs to be served and then it's not enough.
I just gave up.
I told her in the spring that I insisted we were going to entertain more. She has found excuses every time.
“All I want is for the baby to be healthy!”
8 months ago