Wednesday, August 24, 2005

So, Mrs_C and I had "the conversation"

This will be potentially a little incoherent.

I have no idea why I'm posting this.

Well, actually I do know why I'm posting.

Myssa wrote:

"Well you can use it to post your own stuff as well..."

Lara wrote:

"Hope you post some of your own stuff as well!"


I'm in pain, and you ladies showed me a moment (actually, have shown me a whole history) of kindness. And I'm taking advantage of it (and you, I guess).

So I'm talking/typing/blogging - diarizing I guess.

We had "the conversation" this last weekend after returning from traveling. You know - the one about divorce and separation.

I have been thinking about this constantly since before Christmas - you know, the one with the leather coat for her, and the sweater for me (read my post on Lara's blog here).

We had a bad patch at Christmas and she told me one of us would be out the door once the holiday season was done. Things became half-assed civil, but have been strained since then.

* Mrs_C thinks I'm always angry.
* Mrs_C tells me I don't do enough around the house.
* Mrs_C is constantly telling me what to do, because I "can't seem to do anything correctly".

My children tell me that I'm not always angry - that I'm usually happy - and other friends and family (including hers) say I am calm and polite at almost all times.

My co-workers think I am funny and gregarious.

My wife's sisters say they wish their husbands would do as much as I do. They base their comments on both observation and on what Mrs_C tells them I do. Mrs_C says I am only nice to her and do things when there is an audience. I tracked my daily activities for several weeks one time. Before telling her about the results I asked Mrs_C if I had been doing more than usual that period. She said that my activity level was normal. She blew a gasket when I presented the activity report and told her that I thought she was wrong about me only doing things for show. All I asked was that she stop accusing me of that. I was in the shithouse for weeks after.

I have a responsible job. I am considered highly competent by everyone else I know. Mrs_C constantly tells me I'm not doing things right.

Mrs_C has been known to recite for hours (on one occasion for 4 days straight - waking 'til sleep) my shortcomings as a human being and as a partner in a relationship.

I once asked Mrs_C to name one thing she believed she had done wrong during our marriage, or one problem that was her fault or that she was responsible for.

She was unable to name a single one. I guess she's perfect.


When I am in a state of emotional turmoil, my defense mechanism is to be very neutral and measured.

This drives Mrs_C up the wall.

I have been very civil, but um - "pre-naturally calm" since Christmas.

I have expressed my feelings in a level and calm manner since Christmas. I have expressed my unhappiness with the lack of passion in our marriage, the casual disdain with which I believe she holds me, and the constant nit-picky criticism. I have expressed my feelings about the fact that we had sex a grand total of 3 times since November of last year (2004).

In June I asked her if she found me attractive any more, and why she never wanted to be intimate. Her response was to pull off her top, pull off her bottoms and tell me to go ahead if that's what I wanted. I said no, that I actually only wanted an answer to the question. She became very aggressive physically to engage in sex. I walked away.

After that very bad scene between us, I decided that I would wait until the end of summer to tell her that I believe it is over and that I should move out.

Our children are aware that there is trouble and are expecting a divorce or separation (they have talked to me, and tell me that their mother is oblivious to the potentiality - I think they're kids and don't recognise the denial their mother is in).

My son will be moving with me, my daughter will be staying (or so she told my son - not me). Mrs_C is unaware of this.

We didn't end up setting a move out date because of logistics and being unsure how we would approach the kids on the subject.

We are currently in a weird state of "suspended animation". We are terribly polite and accommodating.

I am tired all the time.

I'm up because I needed to think about this, and now have typed this up for you to read.


During the conversation about separation, she told me that if I would just get my shit together everything would be OK.


I feel like shit.

I'm a little overweight and have some male pattern baldness issues, but am otherwise a thoroughly charming and engaging person.

I feel passionless inside the marriage.

I can be excited and animated other places. People like me.

Why not my wife?


I keep asking myself if she could be right, and I'm really the problem.


I have friends.

My wife has co-workers she gets along with, but no friends.

She will only hang out with her sisters or mother.

We have had non-family members (other than kid's friends) over 4 times in the last 6 years.

I used to love to entertain (still get what joy I can from family visits).

Mrs_C gets out of hand anxiety when people are coming to the house. No matter how clean, it's never clean enough. No matter how much food I buy, it's too much - until the moment it needs to be served and then it's not enough.

I just gave up.

I told her in the spring that I insisted we were going to entertain more. She has found excuses every time.

Birthdays and Leather Coats

transcribed from a comment on Lara's Blog


To commiserate, my wife and kids forgot my birthday for the last two years...

hmmm (further thought)

"And the husband? Well... he told me he was going to get me one of those kneeling computer chairs for my birthday. That's great, because I have some back problems and I know it would be good for me. Plus I had it on a list of gift suggestions sitting around on my desktop, so he knew he was getting something I wanted. Only then last night he told me I could order one."

Sounds familiar - you're husband may have genetic material or psychic space in common with my wife.

Last Christmas season, my wife had been extremely regularly saying she wanted power tools for over 8 months.

Being the swift guy I am, I took this as a hint

So, 2 days before christmas I said something to the effect of "Well, i'm off to pick up the most interesting of the power tools" (I hadn't mentioned my gift purchase prior to that, but she had made some reference to me buying power tools [I wanted to show I was an attentive and responsive mate/male/husband]).

My dear wife then said (with a hurt tone in her voice) "You mean you didn't get me a leather coat?"

I said "Oh. I thought you wanted power tools."

She said "Well, that's OK, I suppose."

I left. I returned all the power tools. I bought a full length insulated (she always feels cold) leather coat - a REALLY nice one - full price (didn't have 6 months to shop around for a bargain).

It was a hit. I couldn't afford it, but I knew it needed to be as good or better than the ones her sisters had.

I also bought other clothing items, and a plethora of gifts with/for the kids to give her.

As for me, I got a sweater that she had puchased from a designer discount store (I saw it there one time while standing around waiting - she had asked me if I liked it) - $25.

My daughter gave me a hand drawn card - it is still on my bulletin board. My son felt bad he hadn't thought of getting me a gift. Mrs. didn't seem to notice about the kid gifts.

Come spring, it was nearing our anniversary. The winter insulated coat was now too warm - I heard about this a lot.

Another expensive spring/summer weight leather coat later my anniversary giift was an astounding success (price only mentioned, because while I am doing decently financially, I am not rich. With kids/lessons $700-$1000 is still a chunk of change that requires thought before shelling out).

Mrs. also loved the kids gifts (reminders and shopping trip for the kids courtesy of yours truly).

I got a shirt from the same discount designer shop ($20). Did I mention that my wife makes about 10% more than me? We split household bills equally. She has no car payment, I do.

My daughter made me another card. I pre-emptively told my son it was OK.

My birthday is this weekend.

We'll see.


transcribed from a comment on Lara's Blog

I created this blog to post on Lara's blog as something other than anonymous

I created this blog to post on Lara's blog as something other than anonymous