Thursday, February 23, 2006


originally started on Feb 1 - updated/appended on Feb 23

Since Christmas, Mrs_C has tried to be more sexually active with me.

I feel a level of guilt about having sex, because I worry that it is insincere (well, I know it's insincere...) to be considering leaving and then sleeping with her.

At the same time... uh, I like sex. A lot. Mrs_C is still an attractive lady, and I'm also honestly trying to see if things can work (sort of, I guess). Sexual issues are part of the mix.

Sometimes things are OK. Those are the points where we have ended up having sex - I dunno, I think 5 times since just before Christmas. More than the whole year previous to that point, I think...

Here's where it all gets messy in my head.

I feel like I'm being insincere. I also have the suspicion that part of Mrs_C's newfound interest in sex is (for lack of a better word) entrapment (or entanglement). Now, in one sense, I'm OK with being entangled and entrapped, it's just I don't feel like she really wants to do it - if I believed she was really interested in me and really wanted me, things would change and this marriage could work.

But she seems to be missing the point.

Some background:

Shortly before Christmas I got mad about her never wanting to have sex. I try really hard to be an understanding guy, because I really do understand that she's tired - and I'm willing to wait (months in fact!). I tried to make a gentle approach by caressing her. She obviously knew where I was going (my erection pressing against her as we spooned might have been a give-away...). She got mad at me and chewed me out. I desisted.

The next day I was a little pissed (not just about sex - read further) and was sullenly silent and perfunctory in my conversation when I arrived home. I was still pissed off the day after, too. That night she confronted me about it saying she believed I was mad at her for not wanting to have sex. She said I was insensitive to the fact that she was tired.

I tried to explain that it wasn't actually the issue of sex, but the fact that she could stay up late watching re-runs of Columbo, home renovation shows, and stock market shows, but then got choked about me cutting into her sleep time by wanting to have sex. I said that I was OK with her being tired and not wanting to, and that I was more than happy to let her sleep, it's just that she wouldn't be so tired if she went to sleep sooner instead of watching the above cited shows... And I'm extra glad that Columbo re-runs are higher on her priority list than sex with me.

Anyway, Mrs_C became convinced that sex was the issue, not the question of whether she was attracted to me enough to want to have sex, or the question of Columbo rating higher than me.

At one point I said that I had considered whether she was having an affair or not, and whether her lack of interest in sex with me was an indicator of such. I came quickly to the conclusion that this was not a likely causality relationship. I did tell Mrs_C that I wished she was having an affair, because then at least I would know she was interested in sex, and just didn't like me (yeah, I know, kind of a cheap shot). Because I could live with her not liking me, or not being attracted to me, but that it would really sad if she just never wanted to have sex...

She got drunk the other night and wanted to do it. Just like old times. Mrs_C gets drunk, chews me out, and then wants to have sex.

Anyway, we're back to no sex or even reference to physicality again, and I guess I can live with that for now.

Feb 23 addendum:

It's now several weeks later.

Much water has passed under the bridge.

Mrs_C wants to have sex regularly. I'm still suspicious of motive.

She says that she wants to change her ways with regard to sex. She says that she realises that she had abandoned that part of herself and our relationship and that she wants to fix that part of things.

She even says it's OK to just have sex for the sake of sex without the romance or "deep longing love" elements of making love.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

On Standing Tall And Slumping Shoulders

Mrs_C decided that she was going to try to pin me down into staying on the weekend of Feb 4th.

I refused to give a positive response. As always, my response has been that I am trying to work through all of the issues we have for the sake of our children, and because she asked me to.

She said I had to give a response right then about whther I was staying or not - what would my answer be right then and there.

I said no. I would leave, if that were my only option.

Well, she burrowed into me for four days straight. She kept me up until the wee hours of the morning (5 am), and was at me all day and all night.

I haven't been worked over like that for years.

Finally on the tuesday i said "OK. I'll stay."

I had no fight left.

I almost threw up for the whole next day.

I had been standing tall. Feeling strong and feeling sexy.

After I said it, my shoulders slumped. And they're still not up high again.

A day after that she told me that she didn't hold me to it.

I have the feeling that someplace in there was an agenda to see see just how far she could push me before I'd break. Just so she'd know the new Cadbury was still weak enough to be bullied by her.

I haven't been able to get that high back again. As I discussed in previous postings, I felt strong and tall and sexy - it was better than any drug I've ever done.

Now I'm defeated. Busted. Feeling like a failure. Feeling like I've failed myself.

I'm trying to think of a method to get back in the saddle.

Friday, February 03, 2006


On lara's blog Literally Speaking, she had a posting about books: Book-Tagged

Lara talked about the thousands of books she owns and has in her house.

One poster said:

"Let's hear it for libraries. Every time I'm tempted to buy a book, I ask myself if it wouldn't be better to try the library. Naturally, we all have favorites we want to own. But realisically, how often do we read the vast majority of the books we own? Perhaps the space and resources devoted to all these books could better be invested elsewhere. If nothing else, what are our kids going to do with all this crap when we're gone? Is there a place online to trade/share books?"

This poster thinks like Mrs_C. She pressured me to throw out or get rid of most of my books.

I did. I capitulated. I even ended up throwing out some books. I recgonise they were the kind of novels that a person buys for an airplane ride or when you are going home sick and know you'll be laid up in bed for a few days, but they're still books.

For me books are sort of like comfort food for my mind and soul.

All books are a piece of our existence, and destroying a book is destroying a piece of infinity - a piece of creation.

Burning books and destroying books before they have fallen apart physically is a sin and a crime of such proportions as to be indescribable. People who destroy books (even vile books) are only a few steps from those who commit hate crimes.

Books are only below children in the hierarchy of creation that we as humans have the ability to perform.

Books have a soul.

Being surrounded by books is like being surrounded by the souls of the books and a piece of the author.

I have gotten rid of some books because I didn't like the spirit of the book, and didn't want that spirit to be in my presence, but I have otherwise tried to keep most of my books since childhood - well that is beyond actual children's books - well, actually I had (have) some of them left.

All the dr seuss books, go dog go, and many others that gave me comfort and place in the world.

I took some of my childhood books to my parent's house before Mrs_C ditched thm in some cleaning frenzy. It was sort of like a refugee camp for my books. They were stored in boxes over there except for when my Mom pulls them out to give to kids (including mine) that may over there. It's funny that Mom never puts them back in the boxes - she always puts them onto her bookshelves.

My books are a part of my being and removing them from me is tearing out a piece of my soul.

I really have never forgiven having those books taken away from me.