Monday, May 29, 2006

More Infidelity Accusations...

(yes, i'm still convincing myself of the need to leave Mrs_C)

Just a quick note on more ridiculous moments. More on this weekend in later posts.

So apparently I was having an affair with a lesbian woman who worked in our office last year. And her partner. At the same time. Other than the idea that a committed multi-year lesbian couple having an affair with me being just some really dumb assed shit, I dunno. Of course Mrs_C couldn't actually tell me a time when she didn't really know where I was exactly... you know - when I might have actually had the opportunity to have this affair.

She just had visions of it. Or some fucking thing.

I got really mad and told her that if she was going to accuse me of something she had better bloody well make sure it was logistically possible before saying it. And that i wouldn't mind if her delusions actually had any remote possibility of possibility.

Yep. Then last night I went to my parents place to fix my Dad's computer. It ran about an hour and a half longer than I projected when I left, but I had said that I wouldn't know until I started working on it. I called twice from my parents phone while working to give an update (we were going to watch a movie when I arrived home). there is call display on our home phone so she knew where i called from.

When I came home she told me she thought I was with another woman and that's why I took so long.


I told her to phone my parents and ask them. She wouldn't. I asked why she didn't phone over and see where I was while she was thinking this shit up.

She said something to the effect of she didn't really believe it but she was afraid I might be having an affair. I returned to the "WHEN" question.

She then asked me where I really was the night she was out of town with the kids and I was having dinner with my parents. I told her having dinner with my parents.

I also suggested she call again. She wouldn't.

She's nice to me a fair bit of the time, but then there are these whacked out episodes.

As I mentioned previously, Stockholm Syndrome is alive and well in my person. I know why I love(d) her, and why I like her often times, but also why I am moving inexorably toward divorce.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Lawyer Appointment Made For Mid Next Week

as above

Stockholm Syndrome And Being Rescued By My Son

(this post contains pseudo-quotes. They are as close to the real thing as I can make them. I have also condensed pieces of conversations for length... intent is as accurate as I able to make it)

Yesterday she had me.

We talked after supper.

I had driven the kids to their respective activities and had returned to finish my reheated supper. Mrs_C had planted part of the garden in a light rain (she wanted to get it in before a full rain). She had come in and taken a bath because she got all muddy while planting. We talked. I was being positive and complimentary about things that she does - I have it in my head that if I try to find and reinforce positive messages and feelings in my dealings with her it will make relations better - hasn't worked so far, but that result has never stopped me flogging away at a good theory before... anyway, I told her that she had shown dedication by doing the planting in the rain, and that such dedication was highly commendable (yes, I'm afraid dedication and commendable were words used - but, it's not like those are words outside my daily vocabulary/usage)

She began to cry and told me she supposed so (that it showed dedication), but that she got no feeling of accomplishment anymore - that she just didn't care about the garden anymore where she once did.

It stopped for awhile, and she said she really didn't want there to be the tension between us whenever we were around each other - that was very hard - she said. We talked. It was a gentle talk. It was like the grey, cool, humid, and lightly raining day outside.

We talked a little about mourning our marriage and life together as it had previously existed. We talked about times and things and she brought up my outburst on Sunday in front of the kids and told me my daughter had said that a lot of people get way madder than I did.

It was so gentle and there was such a release of tension. It was like that moment when the massage therapist finds that spot that causes the whole muscle to just let go. I breathed out.

She had me.

Unbidden, I began to think "...this is the woman I married". Kind, gentle, nice. The connection we had - we have - was absolutely present. I began to think that she was right. Maybe I had just interpreted most of the things she said to me the wrong way. Maybe my personal demons had intruded into our life such that I had been hypersensitive for so long that I couldn't distinguish between "just a comment" and a slight. That I had a permanent "people are ignoring me and putting me down" filter on my relationships.

As I drove to pick up my son from his practice I thought "What about all the stuff I wrote down about what she said, and how I felt, and what she did?"

I picked up my son (14). I said to him "Son [insert his name in place of son], I want to ask you a question. I apologise for pulling you into things with your mother and I, but you are the only person who can possibly answer this question because you live in the same house and family. If you don't want to answer my question, just say you'd prefer to stay out of it."

He said go ahead.

I told him that I was beginning to believe his mother and that I was beginning to believe that I had just gotten it all wrong. I said that I had all this stuff written down describing how his mother and I had interacted and how I believed she had treated me. I then asked him if she had in fact ripped into me as regularly and as much as I thought she had.

He said "I haven't read it, and I wasn't there for all your stuff so I don't know. I know you fought sometimes and she would crash down on you, but I can't really say."

I said, no - I don't mean the big blowouts, just the regular day to day stuff - the criticisms.

He said - you mean like when we'd be going for supper and she'd say "you don't want to go there do you? I don't think anyone really likes that place" or she'd say "I don't think anyone really wants to do that today" or "I don't think we should buy that item" at the grocery store.

he said - like when she would find something bad about every suggestion or find a way of twisting almost everything you said to make it an insult or uncaring remark about her and you'd have to spend the whole night apologising for something.

he said - or like when any decorating idea or paint colour suggestion would "not really work" in our house

I said - ok, so all that was real. I wasn't imagining it. I wasn't just interpreting it wrong

I told him how I had begun to believe that maybe I did get it wrong and that I was interpreting things in a whacked out way

[this is as close to his words as I can make it] he said "Dad, I hope this doesn't offend you, but I think she has you going a little nutters. I mean, like mental problems. [pause] Remember, she's a master manipulator. She does it deliberately. She can twist around anything to make it look like she's the good person and the other person is evil. She lies and makes things up and twists everything. Her basic tactic is constant pressure without reprieve [yes, he used the word reprieve]. She just keeps it up until the other person buckles and she twists things around until the other person doesn't even know where they started from."

I said - I needed to know if my memory and the stuff I wrote down is accurate. I need to know that when I make my decision - decisions.

he said - if you wrote it down, it's probably accurate

we went inside.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Incidents Of Note

Mrs_C went to see a counsellor. She seemed to take it to heart for a couple of days. Then she accused me of having an affair - again - and demanded to see my credit card receipts for all of my cards for the last 2 years.

Her thesis: "When you swore at me and struck me you were so angry. I've never seen you that angry before. You couldn't be that angry at me. You must be angry at yourself. The only thing that could make you that angry at yourself is if you had an affair."

She read some website that gave "warning signs of an affair". Stuff like "If he embarks on a drastic self-induced makeover, it’s probably not for you"...

...or "introduces new sexual practices" (last year i suggested we try a few new things - nothing weird, just beyond missionary/oral/on all fours). "When they begin to make "kinky" requests or suggest wildly erotic play during sex including things you have never done before. They may also show an increased interest in sex or sexual things."

She also cited me coming home from work at 5:30-6pm. This really makes me mad - I work flex hours because I get the kids off to school in the morning. If I arrive at 8:30am i leave at 5:30 - it's that simple. I wanted to work 8-5 but Mrs_C insisted that I drive our son to school in the morning instead of him catching the bus. So I do. And I'm home at after 5:30pm. This is ostensibly a period of time where I have sex in our office storage room...

Here's another one "A man who is cheating will display changes of some kind in his normal patterns of behavior. Pay close attention to any deviations in your husband’s daily routine." and "Be alert for changes in your husband’s attitude, personality or behavior."

Yeah, I got really mad. I told her to come down to my office and began pulling out statements. She tried to stop me part way through, but I pulled out a random selection of of them from the files - made her do the random draw a few times too. She was all weepy sorry and I was furious.

I called the lawyer on Tuesday (before the accusation incident (Thursday) and left him a voice mail asking for a referral to a good divorce lawyer inside his firm. He called me back on Friday and gave me the name. I will call her from the office tomorrow. He waited for a couple of days to call me back figuring if it was just a moment of anger a few days cooling would be helpful. He asked "do you still need a lawyer?"

Poor guy, he's my friend too. He attended our wedding...

There was a massive blowout yesterday (Sunday). The kids got caught in that one. I actually ended up crying in frustration and upset during the discussion. I yelled. It was bad - it spilled out on to the kids too. They have forgiven me. I have yet to forgive myself.

[open heavy bias/editorial comment warning]
Yep, she had all three of us in tears, and she got the feel this swirl of emotion.
[close heavy bias/editorial comment warning]

That's two incidents with the kids present. I believe that she is now consiously or unconsciously using them as a foil in "discussions". I won't stand for that.

The involvement of the kids is a final fatal blow. Her need for an emotional hit (like heroin) is now outweighing the interests of the kids. I think her words were true. She's doing it for the emotional high she gets. Fucking bitch. (sorry for using that word, but i'm very, very upset)

She keeps telling me to let it out "Allow yourself to feel." I think she wants me to give over to her emotional swirl instead of the control I operate under.

I'm done. I'm seeing the lawyer. I'm considering timing. I can't do this anymore.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Errata and answers

Writing this is now becoming almost as tedious as living it.

On Saturday when we were out buying my son's Mother's day gift he said that his anger toward his mother was bordering on hatred. He said that his sister was afraid she would have to stay alone with her mother if we split. But that his sister would probably cave and stay with her mother instead of coming to live with him and I. I told him that was part of my concern (which it is) with leaving, and that I had no idea of how to deal with it yet. What to do with daughter if she won't just leave? How to protect her?

Yesterday my kids intervened. Sunday morning (Mother's day) degenerated quickly. From the moment the rest of us were up in the morning, Mrs_C was on a tear. She and I had gone out for coffee the evening before and everything was fine. But not come morning... I have no idea of the trigger.

The whole of the last couple of weeks are blurring together so that I can't even differentiate what argument or "discussion" happened when and for what cause.

I recall at two points (including that morning) this weekend yelling "Would you just give me a fucking list of everything you want me to do so I can do it! So that I can actually know what it is I need to do that will ever make you happy!"

By the time we started to eat, the waffles my daughter had made were cold and hard, and not even the microwave could resurrect them. FYI: I helped daughter (10) make them when she asked me, and helped with all the things she wanted to make special for her Mom.

At the table my son (14) took a round out of Mrs_C (and me, I guess) by telling us that the discussions were pointless. That they went in circles with no resolution. He said his mother just described me, and the kids, as being lazy and unhelpful, and that all I did was say "Well, that's not actually the case" and try to rebut her historical accuracy. He yelled at his mother. And he cried. His sister just sat with her head in her hands.

He said they wanted resolution not discussions.

Mrs_C began to cry and talked about how things weren't good and that she was going for counseling to try to overcome her poor behaviours and poor interpersonal skills. That she would be asking her counselor for ideas and tools to deal with these emotions that sweep her away and make her do things she's not happy with or proud of.

Things settled down and we proceeded half-assed normally and did the Mother's day gift thing. We went to parents places and things were OK.

She fell asleep on the couch. I woke her up at midnight and said was going to bed and she should do so too. She said she'd be along shortly. I went to bed.

Mrs_C woke me up at 1:05 am by yelling at me for having at one point in discussions Sunday said that there were 3 ways things could go: 1) stay together and get better; 2) stay together and stay the same or worse; 3) split.

She said I had only said it to keep her on a hook - dangling. That I had said that there was a possibility we could split just to stick it to her one more time.

After pointing out that she was way out of line waking me up like that, I said I was only outlining the available possibilities. After some give and take she settled down and vaguely accepted my assertions.

I'm really tired today. What she did was really unfair.

She phoned at around 10:30 to say "I love you".

---- answers ----

grainne said... "If you are having difficulties making the decision to leave such an abusive relationship...stop thinking about yourself, stop thinking about your wife and think about your children. They don't deserve to grow up in a home with such abuse being an everyday happening."

yeah - something has to happen really soon. This can't go on.

southern peach said... "She is playing you because she knows she can...she thinks you won't call her bluff and really leave."

yeah - I think that for all her protestations, she thinks I won't go. I think she has been playing that since the week-end of February 4th of this year (see post: On Standing Tall And Slumping Shoulders)

Big Pissy said... "I think she knows exactly what she's doing. But since you continue to put up with it, she'll continue to do it."

how did you screw up the courage to break things off?

buddha_girl said... "By playing her game, you're modeling for your children. Do you want your son and daughter to think a loving, supportive, healthy relationship revolves around endless arguing, bickering, and threats?"

I don't think they believe that. I am most worried about modeling that they should stay in an abusive relationship.

bg's Little Sis said... "maybe these moments, though fleeting, of clarity would prove better served if she was having them with a therapist."

that is sort of what I thought, only now I don't know if I can last that long. I'm seriously near the end of whatever personal strength I have left.

SignGurl said... "Run away and never look back!"

I don't know how things will work. I am worried about my daughter and frightened of the pain. I'm also not sure how I will endure the howl and sob of pure anguish that will emanate from Mrs_C. Really. Even after all of this, causing such pain will be terrible.

oldhippichick said... "Part of it is working thru the guilt of wanting to leave, part of it is pity. Thing is I spend more time worrying about his feelings and aloneness more than mine. That has got to stop. It is a game. A sick demented game."


I don't know whether, even if she suddenly changed all her behaviour, I would want to stay.

and she won't change her behaviour. At least not enough. At least I doubt it.

how do I cut and run?

When Is Enough, Enough?

(I've started 3 posts that I haven't completed, so this may be weirdly abrupt. Suffice it to sat that it has been pretty bad over the last couple of weeks. Very up and down. The up moments have been pleasant. The down moments, not so pleasant.)

All right then.

I reached the conclusion some time ago that staying on was not the best option, and that leaving Mrs_C was the best available (although still painful) choice. I have not left yet.

I still hang on out of fear of the unknown, or fear of the pain and complications, and the hope that maybe, just maybe, things would turn around.

Each time I screw up my courage to leave and tell Mrs_C that I'm out of here, she finds some way to suck me in (and I allow myself to be sucked in) to staying and giving her time. Which inevitably turns into me having to "make up" for some transgression of mine.

The latest being that she now demands that I make up for hurting her so bad by saying I was going to leave her - and that if I really loved her and wanted things to work I would never say such a thing. And that she really didn't mean it when she said she was going to leave or boot me out, but I did mean it, so she gets a pass and I don't...

Anyway, Mrs_c always pulls a rabbit out of her hat which convinces me to give it a few more days, or there is some event coming which would be a really terrible time to leave because of disruption to planned family or kid's activities.

Now she's agreed to counselling and is going to her first appointment Wednesday. Do I wait for this to do anything (I'm skeptical)?

Her behaviour over this weekend was absolutely manic up and down. One moment nice as pie, next ripping into me, next sobbing.

She at least said that she needed to stop drinking because she became to emotionally unstable when she drinks (duh!).

I'm at the edge.

How and when to draw the line?

I Was Almost Believing Her

(originally started May 13 around 11am) - only posted as background - things have moved on since this...

Mrs_C has had me believing her lines about not doing enough or being supportive enough over the last little while. There are a number of instances where the case she made was reasonable enough to get me to walk that road for awhile.

Friday I taught for the whole day (got the day off my regular job even though it's peak season). Our router went down and my boss asked me to stop and get us up and running on my way home fromteaching. I did.

When I got home Mrs_C had a coniption fit on me that I was late (I was home at 5:30, my usual time home). I finish teaching at 4. I had called her to tell her I was going to have to kick the router. She said sure at the time.

I guess she was overwhelmed by having to get the kids ready for the dance festival that night. She hadn't mentioned she wanted help (we usually do it together but have both done it individually).

This upset her a lot. She described it as another example of me being off doing whatever i want to do and leaving her in the lurch having to cover everything with the family and the household. I disagreed with that version of events vehemently and told her that she was both overreacting and misrepresenting events. She had her crying, yelling, sobbing fit in front of the kids - especially in front of daughter whose hair was being done at the time.

We actually yelled right in front of the kids. That is a pretty rare occurance. We settled it out enough to complete the job and get to the festival.

Later that night I apologised (just us) for not being there when she was getting the kids ready and asked her to just tell me if she needed help in the future. I also said the she must not realy on telepathy as a communications tool!!! I then said that, yes, I should have picked up on the clues in our conversations on the phone - But I didn't and I tried to underline that if I didn't pick up on hints, she does need to be forthcoming - especially since we had mutually agreed to be forthright with our communication and requests of one another.

I realise that from a "positioning" standpoint, it was unwise to agree that i should have been more senisitive, or that i should have been better at picking up clues, but I am not in the marriage as a positioning exercise. I honestly bleive my own shit about mutual sensitivity, and even if Mrs_C is not prepared to go there, it means a lot to me to be accurate and acknowledge my own shortcomings when they are real.

Mrs_C agreed she should have told me she needed help.

She told me she was really mad at me for telling her to "just get your shit together and deal with reality".

She said her family said that to her a lot when she was living at home when she would get weepy or teary.

This is getting beyond stupid

(originally wrtten Thursday May 11 around 5pm)

So on Sunday night (May 7) I went to drop off my son's friend, wash my vehicle, and pick up a movie. This activity set had "pre-approval".

As I was on my way out the door I noticed we were short of coffee - Mrs_C was down in the basement and I had my shoes on so i didn't feel like taking them off, going down and telling her then - going to Starbucks for coffee is about a 20 minute round trip from our place.

There was nothing on the agenda. We were doing household maintenance in our own duty areas and I had finished all my stuff. Mrs_C was doing laundry.

I dropped of the son's friend, got coffee, washed my vehicle, and picked up a movie.

63 Minutes.

I got home and Mrs_C lit into me for having been gone for so long. I explained that I was gone for 25 minutes longer (traffic lights) because I had picked up coffee.

Not good enough. This triggered a litany of accusations of how I am inconsiderate of Mrs_C. I apologised for not advising her of my plan to get coffee. Not good enough.

I could describe the details of the scourge, but will spare you. I had no idea that being gone somewhere for 25 extra minutes would be that level of slight/affront.

When going to get coffee became an example of me going out and having fun, and she started describing the entire trip as "taking 1 hour just to get a movie" was when i said i had had it (see previous post) and that all that was left was the logistics of a split.

Well that went off into an entirely different direction and discussion. I had resolved to carry through to the end with the split. But, by 3am we had resolved to keep trying and not to complete the split. I still don't know how I arrived at that conclusion because I had resolved to stay firm on leaving.

I guess I'm weak as well as inconsiderate (said with a wry smile [not a sympathy line, by the way]).


Monday (May 8) was OK...

Tuesday was the waking me up by yelling morning (see previous post). That day Mrs_C agreed to go for counselling.

That day after work we had a bit of a discussion (only an hour or so - i had to go back to work to finish some stuff i hadn't gotten done because of my desire to throw up all day). During the discussion when she asked me "Why would you say you were leaving. We agreed not to hurt each other like that." I said that she had gone too far to an extreme and that I thought we were back to a scenario like last year when it was just constant criticism of me. I said I meant it (leaving), but backed off at the moment the was a glimmer of hope. Blah, blah, blah. Things were moderate and I went to work, and came home 11:30pm - we had tea when I came home.

Wednesday: I started to describe something bad that happened on Wednesday but don't even remember now what happened (May 15). More of the same shit.

Friday, May 12, 2006

really fast post

i thank everyone for their recent comments

i am writing another post that will address some of the elements that are raised in the comments to my last post

i was teaching all day today (yay fun!) and just checked in for a moment while dashing (another dance weekend for the kids)

while i will be responding in detail soon, one quick response to Larry's comments:

yes. i think she may be afraid of losing the kids. she knows that they are pretty pissed with her and her behaviour. a number of times she has suggested that all of us were "against" her

another thing she said the other day - she said: "even though things have been really bad i have felt more connected these last three weeks on an emotional level than i have in years because of the emotional outpouring during our discussions."

then she said:

"i'm almost like a bad kid looking for attention. i'm deliberately provoking clashes because of the intensity of emotion that swirls around them."


i'm thinking: oh great...

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

There is much that has occured since my last posts

There is much that has occured since my last posts, and even from before the Wednesday, April 26, 2006 post (as mentioned in other posts since then).

This post is edited and annotated internet messaging session today (from transcript saved for the purpose of deriving a post - when i read the transcript to pull my outline, i realised it told the story in an interesting kind way from a literary perspective...

i did not ask this friend if i could post their comments [they were unavailable to ask this pm], but i have edited this such that i feel comfortable with transcribing some of their words without attribution as an anonymous commentor. i will apologise later)

[Cadbury friend] says:
how are you?

cadbury says:
on the edge of sanity
cadbury says:
on the edge of nausea

i want to run around the room moaning and bouncing myself off and into walls

[Cadbury friend] says:
why for? what happened?

cadbury says:
it's been a bad couple of weeks
mrs_c has reverted to her pre-august conduct
constantly biting my ass
except now her excuse isn't that tax/business thing, it isn't finances, it isn't that i don't do enough stuff - it's that she needs "reassurance"
so now she's doing exactly the same thing but with the excuse that i don't provide enough reassurance or do enough "special" things to make her feel like i want to be with her
so on sunday night i said - that's it - i've had it
we're done
well that went back and forth for about 4 hours ('til 3am)
and we said OK - let's try this one more time...
she admitted she had been biting my ass and had been acting like before, and said she would stop - try to stop
yesterday was ok...
then this morning she comes in while she's getting ready for work and i'm still asleep and starts yelling at me

[Cadbury friend] says:
get out
[Cadbury friend] says:
do you enjoy this?

cadbury says:
i react angrily to her waking me by yelling at me
she says - "oh well, that's all loving and supportive and reassuring - like you promised to be"
i'm saying - "but you just woke me up by yelling at me"
she leaves
for work
she phones awhile later and says that if i'm going to treat her that way i should go/leave
i say you promised to stop abusing me
and look it's less than a day later and you're waking me from sleep to yell at me
we agree to deal with it later after work - she leaves

[Cadbury friend] says:
listen to yourself here....
[Cadbury friend] says:
go back and read all the above

cadbury says:
yeah - i know

cadbury says:
then she called me from work and said she was sorry and that she was wrong to have done what she did
i told her that's why i wanted a marriage counsellor
to impact what we do to each other
change vectors
she agreed to counselling and we agreed to try to work things out - like always - we agree that we have made some progress

then she called me back later to ask why she always has to reach out to me and i never reach out to her - that she has to make the emotional reach and not me
i ask- "so where'd the progress go?"

[Cadbury friend] says:
it's like you wish to be abused

cadbury says:
maybe i do wish to be abused

cadbury says:
fuck i don't even know what the fuck is up right now

[Cadbury friend] says:
she has you
[Cadbury friend] says:
she knows it
[Cadbury friend] says:
she knows she can treat you anyway she wants because she assumes you won't really leave
[Cadbury friend] says:
i am beginning to think she might be right

[Cadbury friend] says:
i have to wonder how much one person can tolerate
[Cadbury friend] says:
you keep going like this and you will have nothing of yourself left

cadbury says:
each time i make up my mind to leave, she gives me a moment of slack on the leash and then YANK
i'm choking

[Cadbury friend] says:
before long - her emasculation of you will be complete

cadbury says:
ever see someone abuse a dog on a leash with a choke chain...

[Cadbury friend] says:

cadbury says:
let them out for a bit - then YANK

[Cadbury friend] says:
answer this
[Cadbury friend] says:
will she ever change?

cadbury says:
i hate that choking sound they make when it tightens - half cough half choke

[Cadbury friend] says:
she is sick
[Cadbury friend] says:
will she ever be well?
[Cadbury friend] says:
answer me that

cadbury says:
i don't think she will

[Cadbury friend] says:
to hear you tell it - you sound like a textbook case of abuse. there is nothing i can say or do to convince you to get out. there is nothing anyone can say or do to stop it. either you stop it - you get out - or you accept it for what it is.
[Cadbury friend] says:
you are not going to change this. you are not going to change her. you can accept or get out. sorry - there is not an option C

cadbury says:
no - there is no option
each time i build up just enough to say - OK i'm leaving

cadbury says:
she slacks and the YANKS the leash
again and again

[Cadbury friend] says:
help me understand
[Cadbury friend] says:
how you can stay?

cadbury says:
i am an intensely loyal person
i know there are good parts of Mrs_C
we have had a life and children together
but like charlie brown and the football

i fall for it every time

[Cadbury friend] says:
i cannot get my head around it
[Cadbury friend] says:
does she merit this intense loyalty
[Cadbury friend] says:
and what about your loyalty to your kids
[Cadbury friend] says:
and yourself?????!!!!
[Cadbury friend] says:

cadbury says:

[Cadbury friend] says:
you have got to do better for yourself
cadbury says:
i know
[Cadbury friend] says:
this hurts me for you

cadbury says:
i believe in the inherent goodness of humanity
my head knows there are bad people
i just can't seem to believe that she's one of them
the other night i meant it when i said i was leaving
she backed off - said she wanted to work things out
i gave in

[Cadbury friend] says:
then leave
[Cadbury friend] says:
time to stop talking and wishing
[Cadbury friend] says:
time to do

cadbury says:
last night i told her that i meant it [to leave], but that when i saw a glimmer of hope
i decided to stay
this morning she was yelling at me for saying i meant it

[Cadbury friend] says:
that glimmer is a flash of light off the knife she is about to put in your back

cadbury says:
i tried to explain that i was always open and ready for hope but she couldn't keep abusing me

-- developments from later than the IM session --

Mrs_C sent two emails to me today:

"I love you,"

"I love you dearly, words of wisdom from our daughter "marriages don't
have to be prefect". You have my heart in your hands always have.
Please don't let go, I need you."

on my own I decided to set up counselling just in case Mrs_C agreed for real to go

she had stymied all my previous efforts to get it started

i had everything ready to go

as of mid-afternoon she had called again, said she was sorry, said she realised that even though in her heart she wants to be nice that her behaviour is "psycho" (her word) and agreed to the merits of counselling

i just spoke to the counsellor and had her call Mrs_C

one other element of note that should inform this post

Mrs_C does not know the following:

on friday i went for supper with my parents - just us

while we taked about things they offered me physical shelter (stay at their place until i get my own place [me and the kids as may be neccessary]) and logistical and monetary support to get me out of what they view as an abusive relationship

they will pay my rent and utilities and top up any other bills as needed as well as give me enough second hand (or new) stuff to get me set up in a place. they will also pay for me to see a lawyer.

my boss (friend) has offered me as much time as i need off to get things together as well as offering me stuff (furniture, etc) for my own place

i'm heading home soon

we'll see

Monday, May 01, 2006

What Was Her Parents' Marriage Like?

Answering another of the questions posed in comments:

Terry asked the question: "what was her parents' marriage like?"

The answer:

Mrs_C_mother_in-law hounds Mrs_C_father_in-law all the time. I mean hounds. She tells him what to do from start to finish - she will tell him what to do and how to do it on everything from making coffee to side-seat driving. It is to the the point where Mrs_C and her sisters have told her (various times) to back off hounding the old guy.

When he is in private he will talk a fair bit, but around her he remains silent most of the time. She will correct him or cut him off with almost every statement he make.

Mrs_C_father_in-law is not a very educated guy (he's just over 80 now - he has a grade 6). As the oldest son he worked to put all the younger ones through school and such. He has a good heart. I think he's a good guy, even if we don't connect as well as we could - we both try (him: work with his hands farmer guy. me: more academic brain work guy...)

My Mom likes Mrs_C_father_in-law, even if she finds his worldview somewhat, uh, limited. And he is conservative politically - my family is VERY NOT conservative. My Mom is, uh, a little less generous with Mrs_C_mother_in-law. I believe the term she used was "harridan".

Mrs_C_mother_in-law is ok in my books, except for how she treats Mrs_C_father_in-law. Mrs_C_mother_in-law also has a few sort of one-uppy tendencies that irk me, but I ignore them for the most part. Mrs_C (for example) will describe to Mrs_C_mother_in-law a labourious process she went through to solve some problem (usually around renovations or somthing) and then describe the solution. Mrs_C_mother_in-law will then go "Oh yeah, well you should have done it this way from the beginning" or "I could have told you that" as though Mrs_C_mother_in-law knew the answer from the beginning... it is a not very subtle one-up that pisses me off.

Mrs_C_mother_in-law likes me and treats me well in person. I do not know about in private conversation, but I think she doesn't do me overt dirt.

There are four sisters (including Mrs_C). All of the Brothers-in-law have had battles with their wives when they have displayed Mrs_C_mother_in-law tendencies. All of us have said we would leave before we would let happen to us, what has happened to Mrs_C_father_in-law.

Mrs_C and the sisters are all wound up when they are around Mrs_C_mother_in-law. If Mrs_C_mother_in-law starts a task (like cleaning the table) all the sisters dive in to the point they are tripping over each other.

All the sisters have described their mother as often manipulative and a master guilt-tripper.

Mrs_C_mother_in-law beat/violently disciplined her two older daughters (including Mrs_C) when they were young (under 12).