There is much that has occured since my last posts

There is much that has occured since my last posts, and even from before the Wednesday, April 26, 2006 post (as mentioned in other posts since then).

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This post is edited and annotated internet messaging session today (from transcript saved for the purpose of deriving a post - when i read the transcript to pull my outline, i realised it told the story in an interesting kind way from a literary perspective...

i did not ask this friend if i could post their comments [they were unavailable to ask this pm], but i have edited this such that i feel comfortable with transcribing some of their words without attribution as an anonymous commentor. i will apologise later)

[Cadbury friend] says:
how are you?

cadbury says:
on the edge of sanity
cadbury says:
on the edge of nausea

i want to run around the room moaning and bouncing myself off and into walls

[Cadbury friend] says:
why for? what happened?

cadbury says:
it's been a bad couple of weeks
mrs_c has reverted to her pre-august conduct
constantly biting my ass
except now her excuse isn't that tax/business thing, it isn't finances, it isn't that i don't do enough stuff - it's that she needs "reassurance"
so now she's doing exactly the same thing but with the excuse that i don't provide enough reassurance or do enough "special" things to make her feel like i want to be with her
so on sunday night i said - that's it - i've had it
we're done
well that went back and forth for about 4 hours ('til 3am)
and we said OK - let's try this one more time...
she admitted she had been biting my ass and had been acting like before, and said she would stop - try to stop
yesterday was ok...
then this morning she comes in while she's getting ready for work and i'm still asleep and starts yelling at me

[Cadbury friend] says:
get out
[Cadbury friend] says:
do you enjoy this?

cadbury says:
i react angrily to her waking me by yelling at me
she says - "oh well, that's all loving and supportive and reassuring - like you promised to be"
i'm saying - "but you just woke me up by yelling at me"
she leaves
for work
she phones awhile later and says that if i'm going to treat her that way i should go/leave
i say you promised to stop abusing me
and look it's less than a day later and you're waking me from sleep to yell at me
we agree to deal with it later after work - she leaves

[Cadbury friend] says:
listen to yourself here....
[Cadbury friend] says:
go back and read all the above

cadbury says:
yeah - i know

cadbury says:
then she called me from work and said she was sorry and that she was wrong to have done what she did
i told her that's why i wanted a marriage counsellor
to impact what we do to each other
change vectors
she agreed to counselling and we agreed to try to work things out - like always - we agree that we have made some progress

then she called me back later to ask why she always has to reach out to me and i never reach out to her - that she has to make the emotional reach and not me
i ask- "so where'd the progress go?"

[Cadbury friend] says:
it's like you wish to be abused

cadbury says:
maybe i do wish to be abused

cadbury says:
fuck i don't even know what the fuck is up right now

[Cadbury friend] says:
she has you
[Cadbury friend] says:
she knows it
[Cadbury friend] says:
she knows she can treat you anyway she wants because she assumes you won't really leave
[Cadbury friend] says:
i am beginning to think she might be right

[Cadbury friend] says:
i have to wonder how much one person can tolerate
[Cadbury friend] says:
you keep going like this and you will have nothing of yourself left

cadbury says:
each time i make up my mind to leave, she gives me a moment of slack on the leash and then YANK
i'm choking

[Cadbury friend] says:
before long - her emasculation of you will be complete

cadbury says:
ever see someone abuse a dog on a leash with a choke chain...

[Cadbury friend] says:
yes

cadbury says:
let them out for a bit - then YANK

[Cadbury friend] says:
answer this
[Cadbury friend] says:
will she ever change?

cadbury says:
i hate that choking sound they make when it tightens - half cough half choke

[Cadbury friend] says:
she is sick
[Cadbury friend] says:
will she ever be well?
[Cadbury friend] says:
answer me that

cadbury says:
i don't think she will

[Cadbury friend] says:
to hear you tell it - you sound like a textbook case of abuse. there is nothing i can say or do to convince you to get out. there is nothing anyone can say or do to stop it. either you stop it - you get out - or you accept it for what it is.
[Cadbury friend] says:
you are not going to change this. you are not going to change her. you can accept or get out. sorry - there is not an option C

cadbury says:
no - there is no option
each time i build up just enough to say - OK i'm leaving

cadbury says:
she slacks and the YANKS the leash
again and again

[Cadbury friend] says:
help me understand
[Cadbury friend] says:
how you can stay?

cadbury says:
i am an intensely loyal person
i know there are good parts of Mrs_C
we have had a life and children together
but like charlie brown and the football

i fall for it every time

[Cadbury friend] says:
i cannot get my head around it
[Cadbury friend] says:
does she merit this intense loyalty
[Cadbury friend] says:
and what about your loyalty to your kids
[Cadbury friend] says:
and yourself?????!!!!
[Cadbury friend] says:
sucker

cadbury says:
yeah

[Cadbury friend] says:
you have got to do better for yourself
cadbury says:
i know
[Cadbury friend] says:
this hurts me for you

cadbury says:
i believe in the inherent goodness of humanity
my head knows there are bad people
i just can't seem to believe that she's one of them
the other night i meant it when i said i was leaving
she backed off - said she wanted to work things out
i gave in

[Cadbury friend] says:
then leave
[Cadbury friend] says:
time to stop talking and wishing
[Cadbury friend] says:
time to do

cadbury says:
last night i told her that i meant it [to leave], but that when i saw a glimmer of hope
i decided to stay
this morning she was yelling at me for saying i meant it

[Cadbury friend] says:
that glimmer is a flash of light off the knife she is about to put in your back

cadbury says:
i tried to explain that i was always open and ready for hope but she couldn't keep abusing me

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-- developments from later than the IM session --

Mrs_C sent two emails to me today:

"I love you,"

"I love you dearly, words of wisdom from our daughter "marriages don't
have to be prefect". You have my heart in your hands always have.
Please don't let go, I need you."

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on my own I decided to set up counselling just in case Mrs_C agreed for real to go

she had stymied all my previous efforts to get it started

i had everything ready to go

as of mid-afternoon she had called again, said she was sorry, said she realised that even though in her heart she wants to be nice that her behaviour is "psycho" (her word) and agreed to the merits of counselling

i just spoke to the counsellor and had her call Mrs_C

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one other element of note that should inform this post

Mrs_C does not know the following:

on friday i went for supper with my parents - just us

while we taked about things they offered me physical shelter (stay at their place until i get my own place [me and the kids as may be neccessary]) and logistical and monetary support to get me out of what they view as an abusive relationship

they will pay my rent and utilities and top up any other bills as needed as well as give me enough second hand (or new) stuff to get me set up in a place. they will also pay for me to see a lawyer.

my boss (friend) has offered me as much time as i need off to get things together as well as offering me stuff (furniture, etc) for my own place

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i'm heading home soon

we'll see