Monday, May 15, 2006

Errata and answers

Writing this is now becoming almost as tedious as living it.

On Saturday when we were out buying my son's Mother's day gift he said that his anger toward his mother was bordering on hatred. He said that his sister was afraid she would have to stay alone with her mother if we split. But that his sister would probably cave and stay with her mother instead of coming to live with him and I. I told him that was part of my concern (which it is) with leaving, and that I had no idea of how to deal with it yet. What to do with daughter if she won't just leave? How to protect her?

Yesterday my kids intervened. Sunday morning (Mother's day) degenerated quickly. From the moment the rest of us were up in the morning, Mrs_C was on a tear. She and I had gone out for coffee the evening before and everything was fine. But not come morning... I have no idea of the trigger.

The whole of the last couple of weeks are blurring together so that I can't even differentiate what argument or "discussion" happened when and for what cause.

I recall at two points (including that morning) this weekend yelling "Would you just give me a fucking list of everything you want me to do so I can do it! So that I can actually know what it is I need to do that will ever make you happy!"

By the time we started to eat, the waffles my daughter had made were cold and hard, and not even the microwave could resurrect them. FYI: I helped daughter (10) make them when she asked me, and helped with all the things she wanted to make special for her Mom.

At the table my son (14) took a round out of Mrs_C (and me, I guess) by telling us that the discussions were pointless. That they went in circles with no resolution. He said his mother just described me, and the kids, as being lazy and unhelpful, and that all I did was say "Well, that's not actually the case" and try to rebut her historical accuracy. He yelled at his mother. And he cried. His sister just sat with her head in her hands.

He said they wanted resolution not discussions.

Mrs_C began to cry and talked about how things weren't good and that she was going for counseling to try to overcome her poor behaviours and poor interpersonal skills. That she would be asking her counselor for ideas and tools to deal with these emotions that sweep her away and make her do things she's not happy with or proud of.

Things settled down and we proceeded half-assed normally and did the Mother's day gift thing. We went to parents places and things were OK.

She fell asleep on the couch. I woke her up at midnight and said was going to bed and she should do so too. She said she'd be along shortly. I went to bed.

Mrs_C woke me up at 1:05 am by yelling at me for having at one point in discussions Sunday said that there were 3 ways things could go: 1) stay together and get better; 2) stay together and stay the same or worse; 3) split.

She said I had only said it to keep her on a hook - dangling. That I had said that there was a possibility we could split just to stick it to her one more time.

After pointing out that she was way out of line waking me up like that, I said I was only outlining the available possibilities. After some give and take she settled down and vaguely accepted my assertions.

I'm really tired today. What she did was really unfair.

She phoned at around 10:30 to say "I love you".

---- answers ----

grainne said... "If you are having difficulties making the decision to leave such an abusive relationship...stop thinking about yourself, stop thinking about your wife and think about your children. They don't deserve to grow up in a home with such abuse being an everyday happening."

yeah - something has to happen really soon. This can't go on.

southern peach said... "She is playing you because she knows she can...she thinks you won't call her bluff and really leave."

yeah - I think that for all her protestations, she thinks I won't go. I think she has been playing that since the week-end of February 4th of this year (see post: On Standing Tall And Slumping Shoulders)

Big Pissy said... "I think she knows exactly what she's doing. But since you continue to put up with it, she'll continue to do it."

how did you screw up the courage to break things off?

buddha_girl said... "By playing her game, you're modeling for your children. Do you want your son and daughter to think a loving, supportive, healthy relationship revolves around endless arguing, bickering, and threats?"

I don't think they believe that. I am most worried about modeling that they should stay in an abusive relationship.

bg's Little Sis said... "maybe these moments, though fleeting, of clarity would prove better served if she was having them with a therapist."

that is sort of what I thought, only now I don't know if I can last that long. I'm seriously near the end of whatever personal strength I have left.

SignGurl said... "Run away and never look back!"

I don't know how things will work. I am worried about my daughter and frightened of the pain. I'm also not sure how I will endure the howl and sob of pure anguish that will emanate from Mrs_C. Really. Even after all of this, causing such pain will be terrible.

oldhippichick said... "Part of it is working thru the guilt of wanting to leave, part of it is pity. Thing is I spend more time worrying about his feelings and aloneness more than mine. That has got to stop. It is a game. A sick demented game."

yeah

I don't know whether, even if she suddenly changed all her behaviour, I would want to stay.

and she won't change her behaviour. At least not enough. At least I doubt it.

how do I cut and run?

7 comments:

terry said...

oh my god, cadbury...when your KIDS even feel it's pointless, that's a huuuuuge sign.

not that i have kids. but i distinctly remember, when my mom remarried a few years after my dad's death, she and her husband were constantly battling over this thing and that thing and the other thing... and it was awful...even though he wasn't even my dad and i didn't like him much. the tension in the house was always palpable. i just wanted it to stop.

how do you cut and run? first, i wouldn't even call it cutting and running. you've put in a huge amount of work to try to make things better.

but i know that when i got to the point of pulling the plug on my marriage, i had had enough. enough of the neglect, the lying, the abuse. i knew i deserved better and that i couldn't take another day of being treated like shit.

don't get me wrong; i was terrified. terrified i was making a mistake, terrified of being alone, terrified of "failure."

it's now been ten years since we initially separated, and i can look back now and see that my life is far, far better now than it was then. even with all the stuff i complain about now, i'm sooo much happier.

i think you will be, too. it's not easy getting there. believe me, i remember. but you can't go on this way.

sorry for such a long comment...clearly, what you're going through has touched a nerve!

xoxo

terry said...

p.s. don't hesitate to holler if you need a friendly "ear..."
i promise not to be so long-winded!

conwaysf@yahoo.com

Anonymous said...

I've talked with several who have sailed their boats around our globe - an adventurous journey brim-filled with risks and incertitudes. They have all said that the hardest part of the journey was deciding to make it. The rest follows from there in straightforward steps.

And here is the blunt and caustic reply to your question of how to 'cut and run' (which - for the record - is a misrepresentation, as Terry said). Think of other couples who have split. 9 out of 10 times the following is true: Men leave when they have found someone better. Women leave when they absolutely cannot stand what they have.

I know you'll shrug off the idea, Cadbury, but perhaps it is time to market your qualities.

Mouthy Girl said...

Cadbury, I have much more to say but will limit myself right now by using the title of your previous post.

Enough IS enough.

ohc said...

'I don't know whether, even if she suddenly changed all her behaviour, I would want to stay.'

Well, Cad, my dear friend, I am having this same feeling here...but I can say..

1. develop a plan ( a place to live etc.)
2. call your lawyer
3. get the kids...both of them, and go. They need you! I see you as a stablizing force for them.
Think of them. Think of you. Life is for living...

Mrs. C will be fine. She will make it. She is responsible for her happiness, you are not. I can not help but feel you will be much happier leaving. Hard, yes sad, yes...but sadder and harder staying.

Cad, you' re a good guy...you and your kids deserve good things.

I agree with everyone here. You know, Larry makes sense.

I wish you the best. Yell if you need anything!

Big Pissy said...

Cadbury, I feel so sad for your children. They shouldn't have to be enduring this. They shouldn't be in the postition to intervene into your wife's arguments/craziness.

Stop this! Do it for them.

You asked how I left....I'd been married for 17 years. Had few job skills, only 2 years of college, had really been a professional "Army" wife for those 17 years.

But I knew I was tired of being treated like an idiot. Of never being touched ~except in bed. Of being told I was "getting chunky" when I weighed 130lbs. Of being told I "looked alright" when I was my most dressed up. Of having to do everything for and with my children on my own.

I could go on, but you get the picture. I couldn't take it anymore. I was too young (34) to be miserable for the rest of my life.

I should tell you though~ I was involved with Sweet Man. He was also married. had been for 25 years. We each left our spouses and went through all kinds of crap to be together.... here we are 14 years later. :) But that's another story.

Sweet Man had two children. I had two children. All our kids are successful, productive adults. No ac murderers. All have graduated from college (3 have Master's degrees). It wasn't always easy, but our kids knew we were miserable and better off not being married to their mom and their dad.

Your kids will be fine.

Get out now.

CP said...

Want to wake her the fuck up, C?

Go to an attorney. Drop some divorce papers on her breakfast table, right next to her coffee on the next "discussion Sunday". Tell her she has three months to straighten the hell up or you take the kids away from her.

End of story.

End of "discussion Sunday".

Take the kids, leave for the day, and let her read those papers over and over and over again until it sinks in that you are FED up, that you are done with the veiled threats and that you are sick and tired of kissing the ass of a woman who doesn't know when to kiss back.

You are being abused, C. In the beginning, I was all for you two working it out. But, she's being ugly...you're children are in pain and that is where I draw the line.

Give her an ultimatum and stick to your guns, man.

She should be blogging about nice things to do for YOU, not the other way around.

Better yet, give me 10 minutes alone with her in a dark alley so I can beat her into submission.

Okay, that's not nice. She's still your wife. I'm sorry. She just pisses me off.

CP.