Errata and answers

Writing this is now becoming almost as tedious as living it.

On Saturday when we were out buying my son's Mother's day gift he said that his anger toward his mother was bordering on hatred. He said that his sister was afraid she would have to stay alone with her mother if we split. But that his sister would probably cave and stay with her mother instead of coming to live with him and I. I told him that was part of my concern (which it is) with leaving, and that I had no idea of how to deal with it yet. What to do with daughter if she won't just leave? How to protect her?

Yesterday my kids intervened. Sunday morning (Mother's day) degenerated quickly. From the moment the rest of us were up in the morning, Mrs_C was on a tear. She and I had gone out for coffee the evening before and everything was fine. But not come morning... I have no idea of the trigger.

The whole of the last couple of weeks are blurring together so that I can't even differentiate what argument or "discussion" happened when and for what cause.

I recall at two points (including that morning) this weekend yelling "Would you just give me a fucking list of everything you want me to do so I can do it! So that I can actually know what it is I need to do that will ever make you happy!"

By the time we started to eat, the waffles my daughter had made were cold and hard, and not even the microwave could resurrect them. FYI: I helped daughter (10) make them when she asked me, and helped with all the things she wanted to make special for her Mom.

At the table my son (14) took a round out of Mrs_C (and me, I guess) by telling us that the discussions were pointless. That they went in circles with no resolution. He said his mother just described me, and the kids, as being lazy and unhelpful, and that all I did was say "Well, that's not actually the case" and try to rebut her historical accuracy. He yelled at his mother. And he cried. His sister just sat with her head in her hands.

He said they wanted resolution not discussions.

Mrs_C began to cry and talked about how things weren't good and that she was going for counseling to try to overcome her poor behaviours and poor interpersonal skills. That she would be asking her counselor for ideas and tools to deal with these emotions that sweep her away and make her do things she's not happy with or proud of.

Things settled down and we proceeded half-assed normally and did the Mother's day gift thing. We went to parents places and things were OK.

She fell asleep on the couch. I woke her up at midnight and said was going to bed and she should do so too. She said she'd be along shortly. I went to bed.

Mrs_C woke me up at 1:05 am by yelling at me for having at one point in discussions Sunday said that there were 3 ways things could go: 1) stay together and get better; 2) stay together and stay the same or worse; 3) split.

She said I had only said it to keep her on a hook - dangling. That I had said that there was a possibility we could split just to stick it to her one more time.

After pointing out that she was way out of line waking me up like that, I said I was only outlining the available possibilities. After some give and take she settled down and vaguely accepted my assertions.

I'm really tired today. What she did was really unfair.

She phoned at around 10:30 to say "I love you".

---- answers ----

grainne said... "If you are having difficulties making the decision to leave such an abusive relationship...stop thinking about yourself, stop thinking about your wife and think about your children. They don't deserve to grow up in a home with such abuse being an everyday happening."

yeah - something has to happen really soon. This can't go on.

southern peach said... "She is playing you because she knows she can...she thinks you won't call her bluff and really leave."

yeah - I think that for all her protestations, she thinks I won't go. I think she has been playing that since the week-end of February 4th of this year (see post: On Standing Tall And Slumping Shoulders)

Big Pissy said... "I think she knows exactly what she's doing. But since you continue to put up with it, she'll continue to do it."

how did you screw up the courage to break things off?

buddha_girl said... "By playing her game, you're modeling for your children. Do you want your son and daughter to think a loving, supportive, healthy relationship revolves around endless arguing, bickering, and threats?"

I don't think they believe that. I am most worried about modeling that they should stay in an abusive relationship.

bg's Little Sis said... "maybe these moments, though fleeting, of clarity would prove better served if she was having them with a therapist."

that is sort of what I thought, only now I don't know if I can last that long. I'm seriously near the end of whatever personal strength I have left.

SignGurl said... "Run away and never look back!"

I don't know how things will work. I am worried about my daughter and frightened of the pain. I'm also not sure how I will endure the howl and sob of pure anguish that will emanate from Mrs_C. Really. Even after all of this, causing such pain will be terrible.

oldhippichick said... "Part of it is working thru the guilt of wanting to leave, part of it is pity. Thing is I spend more time worrying about his feelings and aloneness more than mine. That has got to stop. It is a game. A sick demented game."

yeah

I don't know whether, even if she suddenly changed all her behaviour, I would want to stay.

and she won't change her behaviour. At least not enough. At least I doubt it.

how do I cut and run?