Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Won't Get Fooled Again

Well, I've set a timeline in my own mind.

I have made up my mind that late february or early march will be departure day.

Let's see whether I can stick to it.

Monday, November 28, 2005

So, I got played - again

Had another conversation with Mrs_C on Friday night.

I had no intention of having such a conversation.

You see, on Tuesday night I made some advances toward her and got turned down flat. I don't just mean flat, I mean flat.

Mrs_C has been nicer in interpersonal dealings for awhile. I have been moody as shit (inwardly), I try to be pleasant and engaging (Mrs_C is quite sensitive to such things, I'm sure she knows I'm not quite the way I'm putting on. She doesn't mention it) in interpersonal relations. I am engaged and involved in family life and in Mrs_C's activities and interests.

My son asked me "If you're really mad at Mom, why are you being so nice?", my daughter asked "Does this mean there aren't any problems anymore?". Then she proceeded to tell me how I should take her mother on a dream date (daughter has been watching too much MusicTV, I think...).

I figured: if I'm just hanging around waiting for enlightenment or inspiration, it probably won't come. I'm going to adopt an obnoxiously pleasant attitude and demeanor, and see if it makes a difference.

I was interested and involved and paying for yet more fucking renovations, I gave her complete autonomy over our joint investments because she's into that now (after years of ignoring it, now she's become a stock market "expert" after reading a book, and making one good trade)

I don't give a shit about the money really. I have enough pension that the investments are more just pay off the house early funds.

So, anyway. Has it made a difference?

nnnnnoooooooottttttt (buzzer noise)

So, I get turned down bad the other night. Yeah, I know, but a guy gets worked up/horny and Mrs_C is still an attractive lady... I had myself steeled for never asking again. My steel melted.

I was just choked. It's not that I have a problem with being told no, it's just being told no every time. I sucked it up and just went to sleep that night, but was just bloody owly for several days. I was ready to leave on the spot. It just wrapped up all the whole deal for me.

She wants me as a companion, and a co-parent, but not as a lover and romantic interest.

She won't go out on "dates", she won't go on trips with just the two of us, she won't have quiet evenings at home.

I demand romance!!!!! (yes, really, I'm a guy)

I can't even get her to watch a romantic movie - all action and shit blowing up with her. Fuck. She cited "Once Upon A Time In Mexico" as a romance one time when I challenged her on it.

God Damn It!!!

When I raise going out I get told:

1) We cook better than restaurants do (true, but that's not always the point of going out)
2) There's no place to go (wrong)
3) It's too expensive (but we can spend hundreds and thousands continuously fucking renovating)


On Friday night we're in the vehicle going to rent a movie and she tells me that she's got her period and that if it hadn't happened we could have "gotten together" that night. I said "Oh, yeah..." She says, "No, really".

She then challenges me on whether or not I had been mad at her for the last few days. I said yeah.

I really can't figure out how the conversation went after that. I'm a really straightforward guy. I start in one place and move forward in a straight line. You can see me coming from miles away.

Mrs_C has expounded on her joy in maneuvering in arguments and disputes.

She got me to a place where I 'fessed up and said that I didn't think things were working. I did that because I knew she was maneuvering me, and even if I wasn't up to countering it, I wasn't going to have her pin me into saying I wasn't going to leave...

(To skip ahead, she got me to say I wasn't going to leave)

So, when I said it wasn't working, she wanted to know when we should split. I said January.

She said, Then I'm not going on this trip (over christmas) to visit your parents that they just paid for (many thousands of dollars for the whole family to go).

I can see her point in not going, but in my mind it's still just a maneuver for time - she got me to say I'd give our marriage awhile longer.

She knows that I don't break my word easily. She knows I am fanatically loyal, and that once committed to a course of action it is only mountains or immoveable objects that stop it.

So, I got played.


The above may not make much sense, but it's late, and I've just wrapped up a database query/report testing run I was waiting to finish, and I want to go home and sleep. Ask questions if you like. Maybe I'll elaborate on something after reading this again tomorrow myself