Saturday, September 30, 2006

Birthday Gifts For Smitten

It was Smitten's birthday last week. I got her two gifts: A vase and a wooden box. She loved both. Smitten's daughter loved them both. Her daughter wanted to have both of them. So, I think they were a hit ;-)

I took these pics in my vehicle as I left work to give them to her.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Errata 2

Lawyer stuff:

A commentor has suggested a number of times that I give Mrs_C a set of written reasons for leaving her.

My lawyer has given me explicit instructions that I give her nothing in writing about any subject.

I will follow my lawyer's advice.

Thursday, September 28, 2006



Mrs_C has been calling almost every day trying to get me to engage with her on the topic of our marriage. Trying to get me to explain one more time why it won't work (in order to argue that it can work).

I have rebuffed discussion on this topic.

I have agreed to a discussion of parenting issues on Saturday. She presented me with a number of "examples" of how the split is damaging the psyche of our children.

After speaking with my children I am suspicious of these... examples, and I am of the suspicion that any real damage is occurring as a result of their mother's manipulation and pressure. And I quote (son) "She just won't leave us alone on the subject of the separation. We don't want to talk about it anymore. It is what it is." also in the same conversation (daughter) "She says she wants to comfort us, but what she really wants is us to comfort her."

I am demanding a written agenda for such a meeting. I am declaring our marriage as off the table for discussion.


Daughter's ostensible wish to live full-time with her mother.


Won't happen. Not even if daughter requests it. This is one instance where I am overriding my child's wishes (which haven't been expressed to me directly by her yet). I believe it is in her best interest to have the week's break from her mother's psychological torture whether daughter realises it or not. If I crumbled under that onslaught, what is Mrs_C doing to a 10 year old.

I will not be party to having such abuse heaped upon my daughter. It's not that Mrs_C is necessarily "abusing" the kids, it is just the insane emotional swirl that she imposes on the family - I found it abusive - in addition to the actual attacks. I will shelter my daughter for awhile anyway.

Her mother is using the incoming new puppy for daughter as a weapon of control, just like the room renovation. She threatened the children with losing their rooms because she would have to sell the house, and told daughter "Isn't it sad your father's choice means you will have to give up your room right after we made it all nice."

Mrs_C is saying "Too bad you won't be there to look after your puppy when you are with your father". Daughter and son argued the puppy could come the apartment, but Mrs_C refused to even entertain that idea. I think that is a giveaway as to how it is being used.

The law in our jurisdiction backs me up on my decision. No child choice until age 12.

We will see how daughter feels after a week in the clear.

I will give her extra time to be with her puppy, but she will be staying with me.

Smitten attending function for my work

Smitten is coming to a fundraiser from my part of the universe with me. On of the higher-ups ("S") who is a friend of mine (you know my business - "S" is one of the people I craft messaging and do detailed data analysis for) wants to check out "[My] new squeeze". "S" is paying for the tickets. "S" lives a couple of blocks from me and also knows Mrs_C and the kids.

Like most people who know me she has been concerned for years about my health and emotional well-being in the relationship with Mrs_C.

Smitten and Truth Time

I showed Smitten the post Truth Time about the one incident between Mrs_C and I.

Smitten is an activist in the regional women's centre and has been for years. After I learned that bit of information I found it appropriate to share the essay/post with her.

I asked her to read the post straight off this blog. She did. Her reaction was much like yours - I shouldn't have done what I did, but she understood how the incident occurred - and expressed confidence that it was an isolated incident.

Smitten and blog

I asked her to read the blog at a time when she feels up to it. I feel the need to begin re-integrating my "online life" with real life. I have shared a number of my posts with Smitten already. She has said (on tagging) "interesting - a good way to actually think about things" - I sent her the three tag from this blog (the one Pirate tagged me with), on blogging "Thank you so much for sharing that with me ........ wow" and "Thanks so much for sharing with me - I love the way you write. It is a very interesting thing to me - to journal a life for others to read"

She asked if I felt her reading the blog would help her understand me and what I am going through. I said yes.

She will read it.

Smitten has said she would be pleased to say hello to you - my online friends.

The dog

The dog has been with us for 6 years now. We got him from the pound. I did not pick the dog. Mrs_C picked the dog. Immediately after getting the dog she said it could no longer live in the house because it shed too much and piddled. I built a funky heated and insulated doghouse and dog run (some of you have seen the pictures). I worked and played with the dog and walked him for years until it no longer piddled and happily ignored me and sassed me just like my kids - and that's a good thing.

Mrs_C allowed the dog in the house after I left, and allowed it freer run.

Since I left - the dog has reverted to piddling again.

I'm sad. He had come very far.

He's being banished to the doghouse again.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Tattoo (part 2) - read part 1 first

So where's all this going?


What tattoo?

I didn't know you had a tattoo Cadbury...

It's not just sex. That's the place where I have the most anxiety, but it happens elsewhere too.

One of the things that I am realising (as stated the last few posts) is that I'm a little more messed than I thought I was by this whole marriage to Mrs_C thing. She got a little deeper than I thought.

Two of the women I spend the most time with - my friend at work "D" and now Smitten - have been trying to get me to stop saying sorry as much as I do when discussing interpersonal matters.

I'm pretty jumpy.


Now I know why my dog would duck and piddle every time someone moved quickly when we first got him from the pound.

One of the elements of this that I'm still wrapping my head around is how I can be turned to for leadership - be the person people hide behind on so many other fronts - in meetings and social/political activist settings, but be a piddling dog in my personal life.

I'm supposed to be the strong one. The one with no fear.

So that piddling isn't going over well with myself.

People ask me how I can stay calm and be the rock.

I suspect it's because I believe. My cause. My passion. My devotion to creating a better world, if only for a single person (without tearing down anyone else) - I will have achieved success - a success I live most days and most weeks.

I don't really believe in myself.



When I was dating "K" I devoted myself to her sexual satisfaction. I devoted myself to romance and charm.

I have never considered myself good looking.

I'm slowly changing that view. I'm no George Clooney, but I have my days.

As a younger man I believed that I was not very good looking and dedicated my efforts to being as charming as possible. I was/am a nice guy to begin with, so it seemed to be the perfect way to be charming. I built on that foundation for my interpersonal dealings with women.

By being the anti-asshole I could meet the mark set in women's magazines and books (and in Playboy) for the perfect male. I would be "the man all women desire". Polite, pleasant, considerate, nice - to a fault.

Then women would like me.

When I was rebuffed I would pour on the charm offensive.

I like to think that it is/was because I honestly like the person I am being charming to. I have no time or use for being nice to someone I don't like. Never have, don't expect I ever will. So it was never an indiscriminate wash of oozing "Rico Sauve".

Mrs_C has a pretty scary childhood behind her.

Sexual abuse (uncle and cousin) and being beaten by her Mom.

[As for me, I thought that I could deal with all of it, because "I as a boy, I believed the saying the cure for pain was love"]

Her young adult life wasn't much better.

I did my best to show her that I wasn't scary and that all men weren't scary abusers.

She has told me I was the first (theoretically only) guy she ever was able to achieve an orgasm with. I believe her because of the context of that statement. It was when I had expressed my disappointment with not being able to give her more than one orgasm when we made love.

There are some positions that set off triggers in Mrs_C from the abuse.

When she got it into her mind that I was "just interested in the sex" and not in making love, she would change how she responded and acted.

I never could discern a pattern to what would set her off (I tried sooooooo hard to understand a pattern).

Except for two things: one position that resembled how her longest term abuser would climb on top of her and grind while she was lying on her abdomen; and she would usually react very badly if I got going (you know - the motion) too quickly.

So if things got a little, uh, frantic - it would usually trigger a reaction from her. But not always.

I was already there, but after a very short while I learned even more iron control over motion.

She wouldn't say "hey - don't do it that way" as I asked so many times. Or even do anything to alter rythyms or whatever.

Lots of times she would stop whatever we were doing and push me away or slap or hit me and then begin yelling or talking in a harsh or accusatory manner.

If she chose not to blow up at me she would change her actions to a kind of passive aggressive thing. She would stop the slower loving motions and would switch to just fast "get me [cadbury] off" motions. The anger and upset was always apparent when she would do it.

I would stop her or myself and we would be into it verbally.

When I was with Smitten she would begin to go fast and furious a lot.

The panic that would grip me when it changed to that rhythm was just about complete. Even if I knew it wasn't Mrs_C, my body and emotions didn't and I would be in a state of terror.

"The 1981 movie "“Tattoo" was a mild thriller, featuring an obsessive loner who falls in love with a fashion model and decides to save her from her life of decadence."

"Karl's growing obsession with saving Maddy and keeping her perfect finally leads him to kidnap her. Her drugs her with chloroform and takes her to his motherÂ’s now-deserted, seaside house. While she is still unconscious, he begins tattooing her, to make her "“clean" and sacred in his eyes. Maddy is furious and then horrified when she comes to, and discovers the skin art she now wears is permanent."

"This was the movie the debuted Temptu tattoo makeup. Primarily alcohol-based, this thin paint will stay on for up to a week, even in water, if cared for properly. When Maddy first sees her body tattoos, she licks her hand and rubs at them, to no effect. It'’s a great scene because everyone has at sometime licked their fingers and rubbed something off their skin, but usually whatever it is comes off at that point."


What tattoo?

I didn't know you had a tattoo Cadbury...


Neither did I

I'm seeing it in the mirror just now.

Tattoo (part 1)

In an interview about her 1981 movie tattoo Maud Adams said "The tattooing in this movie is a metaphor for what happens in a relationship. Except you can see it outside instead of just having the inside of your head tattooed."

In the posts Perfect and Fear, Uptight, and Twitchingly Paranoid... On Being Cadbury I referred to my sexual issues with regard to Smitten and the cast-offs and carry-overs from my relationship with Mrs_C.

Dysfunction is not an issue most men discuss with other men. It's rare and usually drunken. Or maybe with a doctor.

The social stigmas associated with it are strong. It is an easy hit on almost any man. The suggestion that you are not able to just drop your drawers and do it at a moment's notice anywhere and anytime seriously impugns a person's "manhood".

Even when anonymous was trashing me in one of his postings (deleted) he took a cheap shot on the subject:
"careful chelle, Cad is in a deleting mood with people who disagree with him.

I wonder if what upset Cad was the reference to quoting a private conversation on a public blog without permission? or was it that Miss Smitten might think him impotent for not getting hard as they snuggled naked together?" [bold mine]

It's an easy hit on pretty much any guy if there is ever an issue with anything but constant and straining erections.


Tattooing the inside of your head


Sexual dysfunction

Sex with Mrs_C and sex with Smitten

I was 17 when I first started having sex. Having sex and having relationships. Pretty much straight from nerd guy to sex. I had a 3 month dating and heavy petting relationship prior to going into a full fledged sex and "steady" relationship with a woman who was 23. Before you gasp about the age difference, I will point out that my peer group was all over 20. I was pretty much the same uptight weenie I am now - not your usual 17 year old male. Also for the record I graduated from high school when I was 16 years old (all of the kids in my family were accelerated and skipped). At 17 I was already working full-time in the computer industry (it wasn't the same as now - being a computer guy in the early '80s was a lot more rare).

FYI - we had known each other as part of the same social circle for 4 years previous to that. She had come out of a bad (really bad) relationship and I was just as earnestly nice as I am now. Also FYI this is the woman designated K in the post Too Nice A Guy

K was a pretty hot number, did the bar and night-club scene, and worked in one of the busy/trendy bars in town. So I went straight from being a nerd guy in high school to boy-toy in nightclubs. She didn't tell her friends how old I was - she didn't think of me as younger and often would forget my age even in casual conversation.

About sex - I knew only what I had read and what I had been told. I didn't believe most of what I had been told because teenage boys are idiots. I had read the Joy of Sex, an entire sex encyclopedia, and a bunch of years of the Playboy advisor. Book larnin' about sex.

Book larnin' about sex... and about relationships.

I knew a few things going in. I knew I didn't know shit. I really wanted to have more sex. I really wanted this hot 23 year old woman to continue dating me. I knew that I loved buying flowers and being charming. Boy, I loved it when I could get her to smile.

I already was of the core belief that it was my "duty" and responsibility to satisfy her (and any woman) sexually. That I was fundamentally opposed to the "guy getting his rocks off" view of sex (one of the reasons I read Playboy and not Penthouse or Hustler. Yes people - I read Playboy for the editorial stance [heh])

My 23 year old girlfriend happily loaned me all her books on sex as well. I read them all with a studiousness that would have earned many scholarships if I had only applied in while attending university...

She dumped me after about a year and a half - she had healed. She still liked me and after a period of upset we resumed being very good friends. We had a fling each year (usually in the spring) until I started seeing Mrs_C.

But a pattern was set. At least a pattern that appears in a stochastic sense after the fact.

The nice guy.

The safe guy.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

and so it begins...

my son told me this morning that my daughter intends to have a conversation with me about living full time with her mother. apparently daughter has issues with "lack of privacy" at the apartment.

"lack of privacy" is not a phrase i would normally expect out of the mouth of a ten year old

the intent - yes

those words - no

i see the hand of her mother

i cannot describe adequately the rage i feel at this time. i am somewhere between murderous hatred and despair.

i am enforcing calm on myself

she is also phoning me with bizarre ideas on how to work property splits. i have told her that she should take it up through the divorce mediation process, rather than directly with me.

my co-worker had these words, that i would like to share with you:

"She fucked up the last set of buttons, so she's desperately searching for new ones."

Sunday, September 24, 2006


That's what it was


That's what she is



Smitten went back to bed for a snooze just now. I'm blogging and clearing up all the dishes and stuff.

I spent a little too long blogging and researching psychological triggers yesterday, so my preparation was about 30 minutes behind schedule, so that didn't make me completely happy. But given that we had no truly defined timeline for supper it didn't matter.

I figured it was better for the evening for me to become more self-aware and to get past the panic/anxiety attacks I was having all day yesterday as I relived things while blogging and researching. So I put that in front of preparation. (i actually had to shower later in the evening to get rid of the sweat and oily feeling i had from the anxiety attacks)

We drank wine and listened to music.

I cooked.

The table was wonderful. I took a picture of my pre-date setup but forgot to take one with the food on it.

Oh, well.

The meal was perhaps the best meal I've ever had.

No - really

I've eaten a lot of places around the world and this was topnotch from a flavour and preparation standpoint. I am awesome.

Dim sum - shrimp, pork in wrapper, and little pork dumplings

hoisin/sesame/peanut dip and Schezuan hot oil with crispy chilis still in it

msot of the meal was Schezuan based

Mushrooms - several varieties of chinese mushrooms and fungus - highly flavourful with appropriate bizarre textures - ginger/garlic/hot oil/soy/hoisin

Spicy hot eggplant with onion, green onions, and parsely - cooked with sherry and soy

Broiled salmon - small pieces with skin on one side served on a plate with spicy stir fried green beans cooked with whole red chilis and cashews

It was really good.

She was blown away by the effort and preparation and the food itself

I was on top of the world.

we talked, and listened to music, and shared

we touched and kissed

we showed each other more pictures from our lives

I showed her my collection of boat/sailing magazines and the websites i frequent to pay homage to my fantasies about sailing/cruising

She wasn't derisive of my fantasy like Mrs_C. she had no idea of mrs_c's reaction. Smitten was all over the fantasy. I shared my ideas of how I could actually make it happen. How I could spend a year tooling around the Caribbean and another year tooling around the Mediterranean. I've researched it. Painstakingly - for about 3 and a half years. That was the fantasy of freedom that helped me through a lot of rough spots with my fibromyalgia.

she loves the idea of learning to sail.

She discovered my Joe Satriani CDs. She was so happy. She has never met anyone else that likes Joe Satriani before. We even have the same favourite song of his. That has some SUPER significance to Smitten that I still do not know. She was really happy.

Grand marnier and snifters, incense and dancing, music and laughter.

It was a wonderful evening and night. And as far as yesterday's up and down disfunctions... for the most part everything worked for me fully all the way through last night (for about 5 hours). You can imagine I am pretty happy about that.

I think it will be a matter of practice and erasing some old pathways and I will be OK. Even with occasional issues and triggers affecting me I'm still good, and Smitten is very understanding and willing to vary activity to accommodate me.

I made her Japanese green tea and coffee this morning and we lounged about in the nude. We talked and she read more of my sailing magazines.

Now she's sleeping again. I guess I kept her awake too long [heh].

Laundry calls - talk to you later

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Fear, Uptight, and Twitchingly Paranoid... On Being Cadbury

I have realised between last night and now that I have some real problems.

Nothing that can't be worked out, but some very real problems none-the-less.

What kind of problems?

CP wrote:
"I want you to go to MY four part story and read it. Read it twice. Read it until you understand that the abuse that your wife is perpetrating upon you is NO DIFFERENT than the beatings, the bloody beatings that were inflicted upon me. I nearly vomited reading part three of your story, because it was the same vicious cycle of violence that I have experienced with my ex..."
One day I quoted a website (some excerpts below):
"The most common reactions to trauma include..."
  • Your thoughts and behavior patterns are affected by the trauma. You might experience vivid memories of the event. These flashbacks may occur for no apparent reason and may lead to physical reactions such as rapid heartbeat, sweating, or feeling you can't breathe.
  • You may experience an overall feeling of fear, guilt, emotional numbing, over sensitivity, anger, irritability, anxiety, depression, violent fantasies, feelings of helplessness, forgetfulness of details.
  • Recurring emotional reactions are common. Anniversaries of the event, such as at one month or one year, as well as reminders such as aftershocks from earthquakes or the sounds of sirens, can trigger upsetting memories of the traumatic experience. These 'triggers' may be accompanied by fears that the stressful event will be repeated.
Kristin wrote:
"For quite a few years I have worked professionally with women suffering abuse. Reading your blog has been almost as seeing their stories repeated ... with one notable exception: You have switched around the parts."
Cadbury wrote:
"Over the years she has pulled out every bit of my emotional being - like pulling a mussel out of its shell - and exposed it to air. And minced it. And then shoved it back in, or let me gather up the bits and try to recover.

Sort of like when you hear about the rapist demanding their victim pick up the clothes scattered around and put their clothes back on "Why are you naked? Get dressed!!!"

This conversation, on top of all of the rest over the last year or two, had left me with nothing left to be extracted for torture."
Smitten and I may have been together for four and a half hours last night but the time had its, um, ups and downs.

Thank the Lord that Smitten is a sensitive and caring person. I did not feel awkward (well, not that awkward) as things occurred. Smitten has been through a wringer or two in her time and works as a life skills instructor for people putting their lives back together (people coming out of far worse situations than mine).

She's a developmental psychologist.

Before any alarm bells go off in your minds related to "nurse/patient" scenarios (and i just mean in the classic sense of nurse/patient - not that we were in a professional relationship of any kind) - I have limited my discussions about my relationship with Mrs_C to the most limited kinds of comments. And those comments have only been made when there was an obvious trigger.

I have been thinking about the anxiety I had/have about this evening's dinner. I am understanding that part of the reason that I was/am so wound up about making sure that every little thing is perfect is because in a Mrs_C scenario for almost 20 years, a minor mistake - in fact not necessarily even a mistake, maybe just something that at whim would cause a reaction in her - would trigger a devastating attack or shredding. Sometimes the attack would come because my preparations were "too perfect" - and I would be accused of trying to manipulate her or make demands of her sexually by my preparations being "too perfect". You see because I had made this perfect dinner and scenario I would have been demanding a sexual response from her and she would feel pressure because of it.

The trigger for the attack was never consistent. In fact whether there was an attack or not was never consistent. I would have to be constantly evaluating the situation for danger signs.

Often that mistake or reaction would not be noted during the meal or evening or event. Most often the devastating attack would come when I was in bed with Mrs_C. Usually as we had already started to make love. I would be shredded. My intentions, my actions, the nature of my desire, and my love for her would be examined in the most negative light possible - twisted out of shape - and then shredded. After that would happen she would say something like "I just needed you to understand how this can make me feel."

I would then be expected to be able to perform sexually again. Sometimes I could, sometimes I couldn't. When I couldn't, there would be much huff.

Sometimes similar "out of the blue" attacks or huff generating triggers would just happen while we were having sex. The same "resolution" pattern would be followed.


You have no idea of the massive heart pounding limb numbing anxiety attack I am having as I searched through my archives for the comments and excerpts I quoted above and as I type this. Especially as I read the Hell weekend posts from June.


With Smitten last night I had no ability to predict anything. No safety territory. No pattern of what would make her happy and what would please her.

As I consider things now, I realise that just being with me made her happy.

But that didn't stop the triggers in me.

She said "I understand that there are things you need to work through - and I will help you work through them. I will be there for you. You are worth it. You spent 20 years repressing who you were and repressing your sexuality and its expression because of someone who was fundamentally emotionally unhealthy. Together we can release the real you within."

Martinis and Missed Movies

Smitten brought martini making stuff over for when we were going to watch the movie earlier tonight.

I made some stuff to eat.

I made way too much to eat. I think I'm going to have to alter my menu for tomorrow night. She really doesn't eat that much. Really - not just faking it. My menu is too big.

Had some martinis.

Somehow missed watching the movie. We're going to watch it on Sunday morning.

In answer to CP's question of the other day...



I'm already looking forward to Saturday evening already and Smitten has just left.

I am a very happy man at this moment. And happy for about the last four and a half hours [heh]. She is teaching a seminar in a different city tomorrow and had to leave sooner than either of us would have preferred [sniff], but she'll be back over around six.

Wheeeeee - it only gets better!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

My Mom Is The Best Mom

Check it out (the colour on my camera made them appear orangish - it is a deep red):

Not only did she sew me a tablecloth, red placemats, and really funky serviettes - she included some candlesticks and red candles, as well as a silencer cloth.

My Mom is the best Mom in the whole wide world!!!

Did I mention she just happened to have all that material sitting in a room in her house already? Yes - even the funky oriental character stuff.
[later edit: (that is an example of understated humour - my Mom has about a room/room-and-a-half full of material - she's a junkie - some of the material has been around since the seventies or even earlier - she has just about every concievable type of material - my guess is that the oriental material was bought for an outfit for my brother's 3 year old daughter [or my daughter] - i didn't ask - better the fun of her "magically" pulling it out of thin air)]

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Candles... I Need Candles

No candles.

No tablecloths.

No serviette rings.

No cloth serviettes.

Damnation, how am I supposed to impress a woman with a plain arborite table?

Wine glasses I have. Not real special ones (plain glass not crystal), but I do have a whole box full.

I do not have matching serving dishes.

Damn this "starting anew" thing all to hell!

I only have a couple of proper serving spoons.

I have chairs that suck. Got them from the cottage.

Oh, well. Looks like I'm going to be spending some time at my Mom's place raiding her stuff (well, their stuff - I just don't associate cooking and entertaining stuff with my Dad).

I know Smitten is aware that I am less than fully eqippped, but I really do prefer to set a proper table.

Planning. Planning. Planning.

[dinner on Saturday evening]

I know she's been here already, but dinner table presentation is something I'm really uptight about.

Perhaps if I make the presentation an intentional or self-conscious blend of proper and "ad hoc" substitutions I can make it fly... Got to think.

My sister sent me a $100.00 worth of Pier 1 Imports gift cards, but I am loathe to spend that unless I really need to just for dinner stuff, in case there is something else I need on a more permanent basis that I can't abscond with by begging, borrowing, or stealing.

Oh well. Maybe by planning a draft menu a presentation motif will appear before me.


Apartment Living

You know, having to take your laundry to another floor and stay up until it is all done is a pain in the ass. It's even more of a pain in the ass when someone hogs a machine in front of you.

I washed some laundry. 37 minutes. Then I washed another load. 37 more minutes. Someone had the dryer going and kept it going for almost 2 hours straight. They had packed the dryer completely full of jeans and towels and then just kept running it until it sort of dried.

And then they left their clothes in the dryer after midnight - and didn't leave a basket on the floor to dump them into (good etiquette in my opinion). I had to unload them at about 12:17am. And then stay up until after 2am to wait for both loads to dry.

Pissed me off.


At least the management turned the boiler on. It's been cold and shitty and rainy for several days. The apartment got colder and colder. Extra blankets at night...

But today they got it fired up - so at least we're not freezing.

Oh well.

Goes with the territory.

Monday, September 18, 2006

A Call and an Art Gallery

Mrs_C in the Saturday conversation referenced in Sunday, September 17, 2006 I Cried:

We've got a year until the divorce is final, why can't we try and make it work in that time. If you really love me, if there is enough love, then it will work.

We had a whole year already. Where were you then? You had an opportunity then. I told you in exacting detail what needed to change and you didn't then. What could possibly lead me to believe you would change now?


There's too much pain, too much hurt, and too much of everything to ever come back.

[mrs_c crying heavily]
I know I screwed up. You're the best thing that ever happened to me in my life and I screwed everything up and now it's broken and I can't fix it it'll never come back no matter what I do I can't fix it.

A Call:

Got a call from Mrs_C sunday morning after Saturday's discussion. She called daughter, ostensibly to check on her health (she was ill last week). She then led into asking to talk to me about daughter's health. After about 3 sentences she dropped straight onto our relationship. I saw that one coming a mile away. A standard Mrs_C tactic. Call on one inoffensive upfront topic, and move in for the kill.

It was an "I wish you well" call. A "i still love you and will try to make your life a happy one in any way i can" call.

It was weird.

One thing stuck out: She referenced having more money than me, and that she's trying to cover more of the bills because she has more money than me in order to help me out.

She doesn't actually have more money than me. But, whatever... she can think what she may.

I pointed out that I am splitting common bills for the kids.

I was pretty wary of this line of discussion and brought the phone call up pretty short.

I think that she is scratching around for old tactics that worked to reel me in. Sex, nice, crying, money - all of them worked at one time or another.

Artsy Fartsy:

Went to an art gallery with Smitten yesterday. It was great.

Invited her to a poetry reading - she accepted.

We were also going to go to a play, but she invited me to her place to watch a movie instead.

hmmmmm - alone and snuggly or in a set of theatre seats surrounded by other people... which one will Cadbury choose? [heh]

I love arts and culture and all those things. I used to go to all the book launches and poetry readings and art shows and everything. I held an active membership in the local writer's guild. I did stuff for a little while after I got married. But those activities got put in "boxes" and stored like my books.

I'm so happy those are things Smitten listed as wanting to do even before we met. That way I know it's real desire to do them and not just bait and switch like I have had on me before. "Sure I'm all art and drama" someone else told me many years ago [well - drama maybe...]

Dating Awareness:

Son and daughter have been made aware I am dating (on a theoretical basis anyway). I have not advised them of Smitten's existence in specific.

They are fine with it.

Daughter says she thinks I should probably refrain from advising her mother for the time being...

Just for the record:

Both Mrs_C and Smitten are aware that I post to a discussion group online about my relationships and issues. That would be this blog, and our blogging circle.

Mrs_C is of the belief that it is part of a marriage website, and I have not disabused her of that mistaken notion. She is aware that wherever the postings are, they are in the clear, and that anyone on the planet could read them if they found them.

They are both aware that it is pseudonymous.

Neither has asked me to not post.

Mrs_C has previously asked me to maintain psuedonymity so that people close to us would not be reading personal details with attribution.

I last referenced a posting on this blog roughly 2 weeks ago.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

I Cried

For the 7th possibly the 8th time since I was 7 years old, I cried yesterday.

Mrs_C came to drop daughter off - who had stayed for an extra day at her mother's. They were doing some artsy crafty stuff.

I had said I would pick daughter up. So I was a little surprised when the intercom buzzed and it was them. I accepted daughter in. The two of them were babbling happily about the puppy daughter is getting. I said thank-you and good-bye to Mrs_C who said "Ok, well, I guess I'll be going now, unless you want to invite me in...[pause] I was enjoying talking about the puppy." Daughter was effervescent in her enthusiasm about the puppy - she looked at me with big happy eyes, and even though I have no desire to see Mrs_C I said OK. I wanted daughter's happiness to continue, and Mrs_C had caught with just the right moment of guilt about being inhospitable.

So I invited her in. I made her some Chai. She made small talk about the apartment getting in order, and asking about how my life was coming along.

Then she moved seamlessly from that into my exercise and changes to life. Then she moved equally seamlessly into changes she was making. She starts talking about some of the stuff that went wrong in our marriage and points we had substantive differences.

We were in the tiny kitchen and the kids were just beside us in the living room. They could hear most of what was being said. Daughter kept popping around the corner to say something or get something or just come there for any excuse. She was obviously anxious. I didn't think we should be having such a conversation in front of the kids and said so. She said - "Well, let's go for a walk just outside."

Stupidity - guilt - patterning - ego - stubbornness - gullibility - the fact that I just can't let a conversation go until the person I am talking to understands what I am saying.

I went outside. It was miserably fucking cold and fucking raining. That super shitty cold winter is coming September rain. She keeps yapping about all the changes she's made.

We walked, I go to turn back to the apartment she said "No, this way." I was "Whatever" I realised shortly after she was aiming to go back to the house - remember, it's about 3 blocks from the apartment. It was cold and that would be better than outside. We got to the house and the outside door on the garage was open. It needs some adjustment every fall to have it close properly because of shifting. I usually fixed it each year. I had been waiting for her to fix it this year. When it doesn't close it makes the whole property less secure, especially when the kids are home alone.

We go in, she's still in this litany of changes. I start fixing the door - it will give me something useful to do instead of just listening.

Then, she said something to the effect of - if we're doing so well at changing she thinks that proves she could change enough to make our marriage work. I said that I didn't think so. She just kept burrowing in on that spot.

Sparing you all the details, she used a different tack. The same one that had worked the year before to get me to stay after I first announced I was leaving.


guilt and obligation.

Guilt and obligation and duty and marriage vows before god - vows made "until death do us part" - and undying love.

She said how she was making all these changes and how she could be the wife I wanted her to be. Just give her the chance to prove it.

All through this time I just kept repeating my lines:

"I'm not coming home. I'm not coming back."

I had realised it was pointless to engage on any details, so I stuck to the simplest set of lines. Ones I didn't need to explain.

She wore me down. She asked why one more time. She said "If you still care and if there's still love, why can't it work?"

I broke from the lines "Because I am afraid of you. Because I can't live in a state of constant fear. Because I am so angry I can't stand to be around you because of all the fear and anger and pain that wells up within me. And it won't be gone for years. I can't live like that."

She said that if I had enough love - if we had enough love - we could make it work. That if I just loved her enough it wouldn't matter, That I would be able to consider that all that pain belonged to someone in the past - a different Cadbury, and she could be a different Mrs_C - someone who wasn't the one in the past who had done all those things.

I'm not capturing it well, but I think you get the idea. You have some idea of the kind of person I am, and you understand the pain this point of entry would cause. I tried so hard. I loved that woman with everything I had. And in my mind, now she's saying one more time that it just isn't good enough. That on top of all the other times I just didn't make the mark, now the amount of love that I had/have isn't enough either. That if I just loved her a little more it would work. In my mind she's pointing out one more deficiency and one more shortcoming - just like the last 18 years of never quite making the mark.

I said "I'm not coming home. I'm not coming back." I said I was leaving and got up to leave. She had left her car at my apartment so she followed along - all the way clawing and scrabbling for one more idea or persuasive statement that would cause me to change my mind. She said we have a year (waiting period for divorce) - we could make it work. We could still try. I said we had already had a year and she hadn't changed then. That I wasn't spending another year when I didn't believe that she would ever change - and that I wasn't coming back.

She kept on stinging that one spot - if I just loved her a little more I could find a way to make it work and to accept her and to forgive her.

I got to the apartment - said good-bye - and walked away.

Comment Moderation

blog-surfer, also known as anonymous, has crossed a line with his comments

i have enabled comment moderation for the time being

regular folks, please leave your regular comments - they will be posted positive or critical

blog-surfer/anonymous will not


i am also considering moving to blogger-beta which allows the ability to only allow invited parties to view a blog

Friday, September 15, 2006


CP said: "Let us know when you get naked!"


that ship has sailed

Cadbury said: "Shared some wine when I dropped her off after the event. Snuggled for awhile (long while)."

yeah. haven't "done it" yet.

we just touched and kissed for hours - and then got naked - and touched and kissed for hours more. from 10pm until 3:30am after "the event".

last night she came over to my place. I showed her my apartment, we talked, and I played her music that I listen to. I had made some compilation CDs in anticipation of her coming over - just never expected it to be that quickly

she stayed the night. We didn't "do it" again. We just touched and kissed and played - and actually went to sleep at around 1am.

I am really happy we are not having full fledged sex yet. We'd both like to, but we have agreed we want that to wait until we have at least 10 or 12 clear hours (in another most excellent coincidence we both prefer very long sessions ;-). I like that we are getting comfortable with each other before going any steps further. It's also certainly helping me in the "performance anxiety", um, "standpoint".

it's absolutely electric. I feel like there is electricity shooting through my hands and fingers - through my limbs.

gawd - i've only known this woman for - what? - 10 days now?

I have no idea of what's happening to my brain or body. or me.

I had a plan in my mind as to how all this dating resumption thing was going to work. beginning dating - dating quite a cross section of women. being a bit of a bon vivant on my non-parenting days.

I intended to "get around". I'm a relatively good looking, smooth (in a positive sense, of course ;-), charming, well spoken guy. I had notions of returning to some of the bon vivant status I enjoyed to it's fullest when I was in University.

Just so you know, I was, uh, um... "highly active" as a "dater" when I was younger. I am still going through my mental archives from University, but I have the suspicion I may have hit on Smitten then too (but not dated). Mostly because there were very few good-looking women on campus whom I didn't hit on at one time or another (no - I was an not icky "Rico suave" type - remember - I championed better lighting, better security patrols, safe walk programs [night parking lot escorting], women's self defense - the gamut - Smitten actually remembers that there was some student activist guy on campus leading the charge on campus lighting and security [that would be me])

I am not a "newb" to relationships or dating. I am pretty cagey. Perhaps a little cynical (a lot cynical after Mrs_C).

I am now completely blown away. I had a delightful time with the teacher lady. I had a few other pretty choice women that I was beginning to date. You've heard about some of them.

And now I've met my compatibility print-out. Or something.

I know... "go slow". I am not going to do something stupid (I hope). I mean like suddenly move in with her or something truly dumbassed.

we have talked about how we feel - both of us are acting in ways we've never acted before. that's why her colleagues all wanted to meet me. she's acting out of character as well (yes, they said it to me when we met the other night - gently and teasing, but with interest - they all seem to care about her quite a bit - it's a "good works" social intervention charity - they are all caring people from caring professions).

we have decided that while we have no idea where anything is going, we have no interest in trying to suppress the giddiness or joy. we intend to ride it where it goes and see how things work out - however they may. we both realise that it may not work out.

This is an excerpt from an email I sent to her:

"i have been thinking about you every moment since you left this morning

that tingling feeling just keeps coursing through me all over

mostly in my hands

i don't know why

i've never felt this way before


each time it surges through me any of the small twinges of pain left are washed away with it

you are healing me"

Thursday, September 14, 2006

The Event

It went fabulously.

It went better than fabulously.

I had been wound up (paranoid) the night before about my suit, but my Mom is a talented seamstress (been sewing for 60 years - has made probably half of her own clothes for 50 years) and had done the tacking and pinning on the waist. The suit is tailored, so it fits perfectly for length and shoulders and such. I re-read yesterday's post and realised it might sound not very good. I looked fine (as reports are coming back) - real good. Silk shirt, silk tie - in context of the older business guy crowd at the event I was mighty hot ;-)

The comments so far: "There's a keeper", "Hubba Hubba", "I can see why you wanted to invite him". [hee hee] I'm all grins on this end.

Her boss/mentor is a former school board superintendent (PHD Ed.) working for the charity in retirement. This lady shares a geographic and ethno-cultural origin (and a fair bit of style) with our beloved CP.

She tried to dizzy me up a few times to check me out - then she made me sit next to her before the guest speaker started and did a "hiring interview" on behalf of [Lady Of Smitten]. By the end she was trying to recruit me for the charity for my computer and instructional skills. I think she liked me... she urged [Lady Of Smitten] to get together with me.

[Lady Of Smitten] was fabulous. Even with a thesaurus I can't come up with enough new superlatives (partly because I read several entries in a thesaurus before going to make sure I used enough variety in compliments [Heh!]) Sometimes my background writing briefing notes and "lines" can come in handy. Yes - I prepped for the date - did speaking notes for myself on a number of topics, selected some funny stories, and because I had some idea of how her boss would razz people I had a few witty polite comebacks prepared. Didn't actually get to use any of those because I didn't predict right... hey, I don't know the lady.

The 2 dozen roses I brought when I arrived to pick [Lady Of Smitten] up went over well too ;-)

[heh] $19.99 (USD 17 something) at a flower wholesaler I know. I rule!

Shared some wine when I dropped her off after the event. Snuggled for awhile (long while).

She's smart, she's capable, she's kind, she's gorgeous.

Yeah. I'm buzzed.

In answer to something CP said:

Do the kids know the separation is final? Do they know this is heading for divorce?


I told them.

They have also been told by their mother - sometimes...

They believe me.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Lawyer, Dinner Invite, Mom, and anon "wads"

I had been avoiding calling the lawyer and getting the papers drawn up. Why? Pain avoidance. But, all things are as all things are. It had always been my hope to, before getting to that point, actually hear the words "I understand" from Mrs_C and have them stay there. She has said she understands other times, and then changes her story. I have since realised that it is part of the game. By refusing to acknowledge the problem, she doesn't have to change.

So I called the lawyer's office and requested the papers be drawn up.

Was invited to a dinner by [Lady Of Smitten]. A fundraising dinner for a high-profile local charity. I will be sitting with her boss (close friend/older mentor) and co-workers (at a table paid for by the organization she works for). She showed had them a print-out of my online dating profile before out first date and then told them that the dates went well. She wanted to invite me to this dinner, and they all want to check out "the guy". So I'm going. I'm kind of pleased, this is exactly the kind of thing Mrs_C would always jam out of going to. [Lady Of Smitten] likes this kind of social event, and had issues with her ex-husband about going to such (or not). She is really happy that I would like to go and that this is the type of event I would naturally be attending.

Good thing this sort of situation - public events, dinners, charity fundraisers, polite dinner conversation, meeting people I don't know from Adam and being well perceived - is what I have been raised from birth to do...(literally) or I might be crapping my pants. I still am a little, but I'm OK.

My suits don't fit like they used to since I lost the weight. I picked the best one - the one i had tailored for me on last year's Asia/Pacific business trip. I was waiting to have them taken in until I had reached target weight (cheap bastard that i am).

I took my ensemble to get my Mom to tell me if it fit OK. She inquired what I was attending. I told her - she asked how much it was costing. I told her nothing, and that i had been "invited" (emphasis and inflection). She said "good". She said "you should be getting [pause] "out and about". You're ready. You can't sit and look at four walls. You need to go out with friends and socialise, and you need to get [pause] "out and about".

I said "I'm sitting with, uh [pause] - the boss and co-workers. Will I be OK? Do I look presentable enough?"

We discussed some tricks to not looking baggy (the critical one being to not button up the jacket - I've lost 8-10 inches off my waist since it was tailored) and not showing the places I put the safety pins in (I warned [Lady Of Smitten] that my suits were not perfect, but that I would be fully presentable).

My Mom said she didn't want to know any details because it was none of her business, but that she had saved an article from a magazine for me. She gave it to me and I read it at the kitchen table while sitting with her. It was about being separated and divorced and single and dating. And how a person should take advantage of the opportunities to have "the other life" in the weeks they are not being a parent. We laughed about some of the funny things the lady who had written the article had said.

I've reactivated the requirement that people be registered bloggers to post comments. I had left it off in case some friends from another online community dropped by.

I have begun deleting some comments. I do not know how many i will delete in the future.

I have decided that the individual who is making these posts is doing what's called "flame trolling" and getting kicks out of seeing if I will rise to the bait. After being ignored the tone comments rose to the level of pure "flame bait" and that is what made me realise that it is actually a game that is being played to provoke reaction.

If neccessary I will put comment moderation onto this blog until the anonymous "flame troller" gets the message they are not wanted here and goes away.

I hope everyone has a great day. Mine is only getting better.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Flip Sides

Bottom Side:

Mrs_C came over to the apartment with daughter Sunday morning to pick up some stuff. She did her usual call me and wake me up thing on weekends when she wants to get me before my brain is fully firing (in my opinion it is a deliberate strategy). She yaks while daughter gets her stuff. Mrs_C says "You know we could do movies at the house with the kids sometime - that might be fun - I dunno maybe Sunday night like last time - that was fun, wasn't it."

I said "Yes, that was fun" (which it was) and the conversation moves on.

She phones me on Sunday to say "What time will you be over to watch movies?"

I'm like "Uh, no. What are you talking about?" I advise her I am not coming.

She calls me later on Sunday evening. It turns out Mrs_C did not cancel the "marriage" counselor's appointment for Monday. She had told me she was going to. I should have followed up myself. She says she hopes I'll be there. I tell her "No. There's no point." She says "Think about it, I really want you to be there.". I say I have no intention of doing so, and that we should be moving on. That I have every intention of being a constant and solid co-parent, but that I had made my feelings and intention about our marriage clear. I said good-bye.

I did not go to the counselor. I called the counselor before the appointment time and left a message saying I would not be there and that I saw no point in being there.

I saw her this morning when I went to pick up son to drive him to school. She said "I just want you to know I forgive you. I forgive you your decision."

I said "Yeah" and left.

It's funny how she moves from tactic to tactic. One time she doesn't understand. Another time she begs forgiveness. Another time she finagles time using the kids as bait. Other times she tries to dangle sex.

I told her after the last time the "I just don't understand" thing came up that if she didn't understand over a year of talking about it, then she either wasn't listening or would never understand - and that if she didn't understand the reasons, she would never be able to fix it.

But she never addresses the core issues. I just don't care anymore. I have so had it with even caring to address the bullshit.

I realise it is about control. As long as she can keep me engaged in the conversation she has control.

I'm tired of that conversation.

Up side:

[Lady Of Smitten] and I went to go to the movie. But it was closed. So we ate the picnic supper I had made in the park. It was wonderful. We walked around the park and a bunch of marshland in one particular part - watch the birds flocking and the beavers preparing for winter. It was a gorgeous day - unseasonably warm until very late.

It was a day that God had made.

As it got dark we climbed a hill overlooking that part of the city, and looked at the lights. And walked back to our vehicles.

[schoolboy pitter-patter: +2]
I held her hand as we walked. It was thrilling.

We kissed in the park. It was wonderful.

I intend to maintain an appropriate decorum. The wonderful spinning motion going on in my head feels much like coming off those merry-go-rounds they used to have in the parks when I was a kid.

While it might be fun while doing it, I certainly can't function that way, so I am keeping myself under a healthy level of control.

It's glorious not having to worry about getting bitten when I express joy.

Monday, September 11, 2006


I switched gyms

I had been using municipal facilities. The facility I was using closes at 9:30pm. With single parenthood and fall taxi season coming up, I decided I needed a gym that would be open later. My new one is open until 11pm except Sunday.

Kids' exercise

I was unhappy about the fact that they put serious hurdles in place to get teenagers on site but understand why from a business and liability perspective. Son is whom I am more concerned about - he used to come with me 3 times a week, but that dropped off at the end of the school year as he raced to finish unfinished schoolwork. He is starting with some of his sports (he plays this weird Asian game) again this fall, so he will be doing that for at least 2 hours twice a week. It is strenuous activity.

Daughter is active in phys-ed at school.

They both dance 2 hours a week (strenuous dance).

I have a calisthenics program developed for them based on mine, and will be doing that with them twice a week. I have asked Mrs_C to enforce/reinforce the routine when they are at her place.

I intend to take them swimming (or other substitute physical activity) once each weekend I have them. I think that this will form the basis of a reasonable exercise regimen along with their other activities.

More offers of assistance arrive

As people that were unaware of my change in status return from summer holidays and find out, the offers of stuff keep piling in. I am having to decline most offers. I am actively and publicly trolling for places to take the kids (cabins and such) for fun outings. The request is similar to my requests during the summer that led to the horseback riding and other activities.

I intend to squeeze every last bit of outdoor time out of what has been a godsend of a summer for weather so far.

Son has been asked to be an in-class assistant to his teacher in his communications multi-media classes.

He is tickled beyond belief. I taught him how to do a lot of stuff over the years as he watched me do what I do - so now he has a substantial leg up on the other students. He loves to teach and share his knowledge. This role in the class gives him much face in the school.

Yay Son!!!


I am half-way done ironing all the laundry backlog, and all the laundry is finished. I only have a few boxes left to unpack.

I have pictures on the wall. I took some pics and will share them later. My daughter painted three of them and I am quite pleased to have her work on my walls.

I look forward to sporting a piece from another artist we all know and love in our collective blogging circle :-)

More date

[Lady Of Smitten] called yesterday and asked me to a movie and a walk in the park. This was after we had talked about a two week gap until next date.


She said she was going to call me today with show times.

The movie turns out to only show at 6pm (artsy short film), so I made a dinner to eat in the park either before of after the movie. I had checked all the times and everything before she got back to me by voice today and sent her an email saying I had pre-emptively made a picnic dinner (saying I hoped it wasn't presumptuous). She said I was "cute" (then asked if it was ok to call me cute [first time for everything]) and said she was flattered.

We will address timing of various activities on arrival after work.


Sunday, September 10, 2006

OK, the "When to date?" question

"my only concern is that you might be moving a little quickly, in starting to date..."
- terry, queen dork, September 10, 2006

This is an actual question, not a rebuttal.

When is the appropriate time to begin dating anew?

Here is my thinking:

I need to leave Mrs_C behind in my own head. She has been the only woman in my life and in my mind for almost 20 years.

I have looked around - I've not been dead. It was always more of a momentary thrill thing to "look around". My fantasies were always of her.

How do I chase her out of my head? By sitting in my apartment alone when the kids aren't here? By doing dishes and laundry and ironing and arranging the cupboards one more time? By immersing myself totally in my work? I can only go exercise so much. I refuse to hang out at my parents place. It is taking a little time to re-engage friendships that had withered. And sorry, but the guys don't do it for me when it comes to leaving Mrs_C behind.

I understand that I should not get into a deep and involved romance on any sort of immediate basis. That is pretty clear to me. What's it called? On the rebound?

Not where I want to go for me or for the other person.

I understand the criticism of dating when the possibility existed that I might choose to return. That is not in the cards now.

I do not think that the "moral" stricture of being still legally married is an issue. I don't, and I will not change my mind. Marriage is not a legal decree for me. It is a commitment that I have severed. I do however, understand the social conventions and social restrictions that are implicit with still being legally married and not divorced. And there are some.

I have no intention of allowing my children to have an awareness of my dating. I have no interest in having them see a parade of dates. I have no intention of involving anyone else in our family life, or of doing things together.

I have had it presented to me that I should "spend more time finding out who you really are".

OK. How do I do that? By sitting alone in my apartment?

I should also say that I adore women. I really do. Even when married, I was in the kitchen talking to all the aunts and ladies rather than talking car engines, hunting and trapping, sports, and all the "guy talk". I did engage the guys and have done and can talk about all that stuff, but I'm not in the same headspace as most guys. I like women. I'm reticent to say the following, but what the hell... Women never fail to give me a thrill. I am deeply enraptured by almost every woman I meet and talk to. Not in a "Rico Suave" sense of trying to make time with all the ladies, but in a deeply interested manner. I don't know how to describe it. It's not a predatory thing, but a fascination and delight thing. You know when you are walking though a forest and every breath and every view is sheer delight - you are equally enthralled by every moment and every sight. That's me.

Sorry if that comes across the wrong way or offends anyone.

I would underline at this time that until things actually began to seriously break down with Mrs_C she never had an instant of doubt about my fidelity. In her lucid moments after the accusations, she even said she really didn't doubt my fidelity even when she did question it. Mrs_C always enjoyed my ability to talk with women - her sisters and aunts and cousins and co-workers (and occasional friend) all told her what a charming and nice guy I was, and how easy I was to talk to. I think that's part of the reason they are so mad at me.

But enough digression.

Even if my kids did find out, and I have a intend to keep it private from them, I am not sure that they would be surprised or upset. They have given me grief/teased me for some time - even before the marriage breakdown occurred - about "the ladies" and being a "ladies man" - even Mrs_C would bug me. Again, I underline that neither they or Mrs_C or anyone else thought I was "cruising". I have a deep voice and an engaging manner. I garner attention in most social instances (male and female). I am a leader - at a community level, in the organisations I belong to, and in things I do. I can accurately be described as charismatic.

The kids have been teasing me about "sparkin' the ladies" (Beverly Hillbillies reference) since things stabilised after I moved out. I have always said that "there are other things to attend to first". I have never denied it as a possibility, but have avoided or deferred the subject.

So, again, the question is:

When is the appropriate time to begin dating anew?

Saturday, September 09, 2006


One entry found for smite.
Main Entry: smite
Pronunciation: 'smIt
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): smote /'smOt/; smit·ten /'smi-t&n /; or smote; smit·ing /'smI-ti[ng]/
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English smItan to smear, defile; akin to Old High German bismIzan to defile
transitive verb
1 : to strike sharply or heavily especially with the hand or an implement held in the hand
2 a : to kill or severely injure by smiting b : to attack or afflict suddenly and injuriously
3 : to cause to strike
4 : to affect as if by striking
5 : CAPTIVATE, TAKE [smitten with her beauty]
intransitive verb : to deliver or deal a blow with or as if with the hand or something held
- smit·er /'smI-t&r/ noun


That would be as in number 5 above.


So, after my initial successes with those couple of dates, I decided that I wanted to go out on more dates. So I began to think about what was the most efficient means of meeting women that might be interested in going out.

(yes, I know you can all hear it coming)

Yes. I joined an online dating service.

Being the methodical person I am I checked it out. I created three profiles. One male to cruise around and check things out. One female to check out the competition - with the notation on the profile "Sorry just looking, not ready for dating yet"

And my profile.

I worked and worked and honed and worked on this profile. I put private only pictures (have to ask permission to see). The profile is one of the longest of all the male and female profiles in my age cohort (10 years either way) male or female. I also used their "blogging" capability to build some blog entries around the subject of dating and what I'm looking for in a relationship.

The profile is a thing of beauty. It is some of my finest communications work ever. I'm really proud of it. I showed it and the pics I selected to some of my co-workers (boss and a buddy) and they were in awe. Yes, it's that good - and that on target to my, uh, target audience. [heh!] (ell, they're guys, so they thought it was on target...) And it's all true - 100% accurate - I had them look at it with a critical eye to "puffery". I realised while writing it - Hey! I actually did all that shit. I have been around the world a few times. I can dance. I love music. I have a song in my soul that longs to be released (no - that's not a line from the profile - read the new masthead description on this blog for an outtake ;-) I am funny (most of the time). I do and have done exciting things and have an exciting job(s).

Yes, I know it sounds cheesy, but if I can dress-up and get a haircut (well - not me getting a hair cut of course...) and make sure my teeth are a little whiter and my shoes are shined and pants pressed - why can't I write a really good profile? (my one co-worker is giving a really hard time because it's so well done [he hasn't had a date in awhile...]).

10 pics, 8 with smiles (real/joyful - not posed). 1 in a suit. Most outdoors (plenty of green and water) Historical sites in the background, me in front of a marina, blah blah.

The offers of dates and contacts have been flooding in (literally) - even without a picture on the public profile. Most of them tell me it's the best profile they've seen on the site (good to know my years in the field of communications and research aren't being wasted [heh!]).

I've had 3 other dates that I accepted (I'm being picky - don't need to play the wide open field - I'm a Dad with responsibilities). One date was lame, one was OK, and one was good.

So, I got this new contact "Check out my profile" from a lady. I do. It's uncannily what I think I'm looking for. We exchange some messages. Without prompting or leading questions on my part she just keeps on hitting target with just about everything she writes. So I send picture permission and my phone number. She calls. We talk for something just over two hours and neither of us realises it's that long - we think it's been maybe a half an hour - forty minutes. We set up a date.

That was tonight. She had sent me some photos. She was a pleasant looking lady in the photos, and I loved talking to her over the phone.

We went for supper tonight. She's incredible. She might as well be a compatiblity print-out she matches up so well. Science Fiction freak (she knew every allusion I dropped and book I quoted/cited), and Star Trek out the yinyang, community social activist/worker (not political), parent, healthy diet and lifestyle, doesn't watch much TV, likes Monty Python and English programming, a little artsy, kind (appears to be - and job history suggests kind as well), good sense of humour, blah blah.

She's not nice looking - she's drop dead gorgeous. I was worried I was out of my league.

She's soooooo nice. She put me at ease. I discoverd I wasn't even thinking about looks or worried about it after the first little while. (I'm lying [sort of] - i was constantly aware that she is so constantly stunning she makes my mouth drop open *good thing all the flies are dead from the cold now*) We laughed and talked and blabbed. She asked hard questions about relationship expectations (not that we were going to have one, just what would we expect if...). We took turns. She asked about background and some personal history.

We talked and talked some more.

I really like her (I told her that - she turned all red and blushed). I think she likes me. She said she did, and the questions that came up were not phony baloney filler. She said she felt a little giddy as we parted (hugged for about 2-3 minutes).

And we have another date in two weeks. She's all booked up with work and travel right now (she also teaches seminars and stuff to women around the province [healthy living, emotional well-being, getting in touch with your feelings stuff]). She has alternating custody of her kids, so it's after her next cycle with the kids.


off to bed - got to work out tomorrow morning

see you soon!


Friday, September 08, 2006

Dear Anonymous

Fuck Off

I was going to write a detailed acerbic rebuttal and refutation of various of your points, and the tonality of your posts, but I realised that I didn't feel like it.

So thought I'd be more straight forward.

Fuck Off

If I wanted to listen to someone who was overbearingly assured of their being right in each and every situation and instance I would have stayed married to Mrs_Cadbury.

You waltz in here a few days ago posting anonymously. You obviously hadn't even read the majority of posts on this site when, with the utmost of assurity in your own correctness, you started telling me what I should do. And not very politely.

You contradict yourself, you make sweeping statements with little basis in fact or background, you post anonymously, and you insult me. You insult my son. You insult the other people who talk here. You offer nothing of yourself to the community of people posting.

The majority of people here have been posting since almost the inception of this blog. Others have their own blogs which provide a view into the kind of people they are, or at least want to be. They share. They share their pain and their joy. Their failures and their victories - small and large. Their dreams and their fantasies.

They are my friends. I know the real names of many of these people, where they live, their occupations and their academic and life background.

Others who arrive have their own blog that provides insight into who they are. Often we travel the same blogging circle - the same community. They too are welcome.

You pompously waltz in here purporting to be the bringer of all knowledge - the one with the insight into the truth. After being forced to create a profile to post, you immediately revert to anonymously posting again. And what do I know about you that would make me trust you or listen to you? You could be a loudmouthed 13 year old or a child molester in prison somewhere. I don't know, because all you share is your detailed prescriptions for fixing my life - a life you have participated in for what? 4 days. That is why this is my favourite of all your comments "This is a perfect example of your problem. You think you know something and are willing to spout off about it when in fact you have absolutely no basis for forming a guess." - Anonymous, September 06, 2006

Fuck You, Anonymous Blog_Surfer. You haven't earned the right to spout off like you do.

If you want to continue posting here without having your posts deleted summarily, I suggest you:

1) get a little more polite. directness is fine. pointed is fine. but get polite and also don't denigrate the others here with your sweeping comments and dismissals and not so subtle jabs at their views
2) use your profile to post. fill in the blanks. describe who you are and a little bit about where you are coming from
3) create a blog and talk about a few of your own ideas instead of just wandering in a taking potshots.

Then you will have walked a ways toward earning the right to participate.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Who Called It...?

"she'll just drag it out..."
- Big Pissy, September 05, 2006

"I'd lean to the manipulation side of things on the dental side, but I'd make sure she gets it done quickly, the appointment set, give it a deadline or something to show you mean it."
- bg's Little Sis, September 07, 2006

Went to meet the teacher night for Daughter. Mrs_C phoned last night to tell me to be there (she got the memo [see: impetus for online family calendar]). She thought "We should show a united front."

I agree. Not my wording, but we should show unity or, uh, jointness... as parents in this situation in dealings with the school.

The teacher was thrilled to meet us (Daughter has already impressed the teacher [like she has every year]with her scintillating self, extreme verbosity [quality verbiage], and keener to please personality). I did my usual volunteer to teach/help with computer and internet stuff. I also volunteered to use my connections to get members of the legislative assembly out to the school for their social studies section on governance, and to provide any additional materials needed.

Walked to the house with Mrs_C afterwards, she asks me to come in to discuss a couple of parenting issues - sleep/bedtime schedule and exercise/activity planning for the kids. I'm wary, but agree. I put a time limit on it saying I need to go work out.

We talk - it's all business.

This is where she lobs out of nowhere (as part of a reference to dealing with the school) "Well, I wanted to show that we weren't fractionated and hating each other - you know in some families there's drinking and violence and abuse - but I wanted them to see that we're just people, even if we're split [editor's note: so far so good, right?]- because who knows how long we'll stay split - or whatever may happen in the future..."

Not biting, I replied "That's why the online calendar is so important - to allow us to manage our parenting roles even while we are in separate households."

I stood up and left. She grabs me and hugs me as I'm leaving. Then kisses me full on the mouth - I pull back and make stuttery hasty noises and motions to leave.

And I leave. Quickly.

Evil Cadbury And The Forces Of Light And Dark

* This may not make sense to everyone that reads it - but regular readers should be able to follow what it refers to *

The man the forces of darkness called "Evil Cadbury" sat in his wizard's tower looking at the dusty old scrolls. He finally had a key piece of evidence against the forces of darkness. Evidence of REAL corruption the last time the forces of darkness held sway in Middle Earth almost 20 years earlier. Evidence of corruption in the dim past by the new leader of the forces of darkness.

Two and a half years Evil Cadbury had been combing the dusty scrolls, following the trail of rumour and half-whispers when all others had given up on it as mere legend.

Only Evil Cadbury had the patience and the fanaticism of pure belief. Belief in the light.

Evil Cadbury's years of preparation and simple and savagely brutal tactics and methods had won the forces of light the last great battle. Evil Cadbury is not the most powerful man in Middle Earth, but he is one of the most feared. Because of his pure and undying belief in the light.

It is widely believed the forces of light will lose the next great battle and those in the sway of darkness will gain power and force children onto the street, the infirm to pay for their care, and the mentally ill into back alleys.

Evil Cadbury's patience and careful research looks like it will be more brutal and horrific on the leaders of darkness than last time. Evil Cadbury doesn't care.

"Decent people sleep soundly in their beds only because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence upon those who would do us harm." ~ George Orwell (apocryphal)

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Obvious Ambivalence

Addressing some questions and commentary.

You are all absolutely correct in seeing a level of ambivalence and hesitation all the way along in my desire to leave Mrs_C.

I had no desire to leave Mrs_C. I did, and do, have substantive desire to leave an abusive relationship - and therefore, necessarily, must leave, and have left, Mrs_C.

As I have said: there is no question of love, or of caring, or of desire, or of longing, or of commitment.

There is the question as to whether I could continue to live with Mrs_C. The answer is no. There is the question as to whether the love and caring could overcome the anger and rage. The answer is no.

I emotionally left last year when I could not deal with the put-downs. Many of you have been with me for that journey. I physically left at the beginning of this summer when the rage and the anger and the uncontrollability of the emotional swirl became too much.

For various reasons I tried to make the situation less painful - for me - for her - for the kids.

As Mrs_C's icon Dr. Phil would ask "How's that workin' for ya?"

So I tried to address the split with finality when she returned from vacation. Didn't hold up so well, and softpedalled once again. Knew that it just had to be done. So I did it. Somewhat harshly. I am not very good at being mean. Discipline and order is one thing - harshness... no.

So with little experience at holding the line with Mrs_C - last friday I had to say this is it - it's done - it's finished - I'm not coming home - I'm not coming back.

She raised her voice. So did I.

I'm not perfect like the anonymous guy.

Pissy said:
"I've seen it all. I've heard it all. You and Mrs. C will NEV-ER be able to work this out without lawyers. Mrs. C won't allow it. She says she will. But she'll just drag it out..."

"Why prolong the inevitable?

You've been going through this pattern with Mrs. C since I started reading your blog."

Yeah. The reality check.

Mrs_C wanted to exchange written calendars with all the kids stuff on them (neither of us are the best with calendars and stuff). I'm building a web based one with different modification rights that any of the four of us can put stuff into - kids can enter dances and birthday parties and stuff and we can put in our stuff - lessons, blah, blah. Because the kids will be bringing school notices to both addresses we need to have an information sharing tool that is accessible from as many places as possible.

We'll see how it works.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

The Long Weekend

This post starts a little before the last one ends.

Picked the kids up from the house and drove away. As we got to the end of the block my daughter says "Are we safe now?" and laughs kind of an ironic slightly dig/poke laugh. Son says "Onward! To food, and to sanity."

I left those comments where they laid at that moment. I was still rattled and didn't know where to go to address them after the previous scene with their Mom and their Aunt.

I called my Mother to tell her we would be arriving shortly for the birthday party.

That night after the birthday party I had a discussion with the kids about why it was now final. I laid out the reasons (such as are fully appropriate for them to know) why I had come to the decision.

They advised me they were expecting it. They said they were breathing a little easier because they had actually dreaded the thought of us getting back together and things reverting to the way it used to be.

They said they understood why I had made the decision I had.

We had a full question and answer session.

Went to talk to Mrs_C on Saturday morning. Went over the structure of how things might work. Pending the OK from my lawyer I will be facilitating paying about half of the mortgage and taxes until next summer. I don't want the kids to lose their rooms and their house. There is only so much change they can take at once.

Pending a lawyer discussion, I have agreed in principle that if there is no specific downside, or anything that isn't "correctable" that we will not go for the fast track option on divorce. There are some extended health benefits (dental, eyewear, and such) off my plan that Mrs_C would like to access in addition to her plan. I see no reason not to do that if there is no downside for me (other than "closure" issues).

We discussed how to rejigger wills and life insurance benefits. I described a trusteeship structure that I thought would work for her - the same basic structure I will be putting on mine.

And a number of other housecleaning issues.

I tried to underline again that I have zero interest in a combative or retaliatory relationship. I underlined that I would rather have as little of our money end up in the hands of lawyers as possible. I would like her to be able to stay in the house if she wants to, and will take what steps are neccessary to facilitate that. That I have no intention of being an SOB. I underlined that all she has to do is talk to me - a fair division does not mean that everything will be exactly equal at all moments.

Yes, I heard that intake of breath.

What I mean is: So what if I'm in an apartment and she's in the house? So be it. Someone has to live in the house. It's going to be her - and the kids when they are there. I am currently content to wait until next summer (posibly later) to move out of my apartment (we'll see how I feel when the snow comes...). So she gets the house 'til then. So what. At the appropriate time we will split assets.

Her sister and sister's husband have been telling Mrs_C I would be "taking her to the cleaners", and that she should go there first (the brother-in-law has always been a real gun-totin' "manly-man" full of "yeah you should do this and that" and "fuck-em all!!!"). I told her she was welcome to try, but that other than revenge I didn't see a purpose that would be served. Especially when the lawyers would get the benefit of such a war, not us. She agreed.

Had a good weekend with the kids. We re-ordered the apartment into a more permanent home. We framed the pictures my daughter had painted and put up the carved African masks that weren't allowed up at the house. Got some of my books from my Parents' place. Picked up various items of art I had stored there as well (I have a swack of cool [in my mind anyway] stuff from my globetrotting in younger days).

We slept.

We ate.

We walked in the park and the sunshine.

Mrs_C and her Mother have started telling my daughter that she's fat. I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with this. I refer you to the following picture for your own judgement on her weight. Mrs_C also ripped into son on the issue. Grandma had been beaking at him while they were on holidays.

Did I mention that two of Mrs_C's sisters had suffered from anorexia...? Or that one of the two had also been bulimic? I don't think so. Never needed to come up before. I really don't know how I'm going to deal with that one.

Daughter and son were both quite upset about it. I should also mention that daughter does look a little, um, I don't know what the right word is. She's just started to develop breasts and real curves. She's got that layer of extra fat that girls are supposed to get when they are developing. You know - the one that is the result of millions of years of evolution.



I still don't know what I'm going to do.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

The Final Break?

Friday 11:32am. Got a call from Mrs_C while I was at work. She's on about something or other relationship related. I can't even remember...

Right - she phoned to tell me that our daughter said to her "I'm never getting married. If two people who love each other can't get along - what's the point?"

I tell her not to call me at work for these kinds of conversations. After a couple of stops and starts I say good-bye abruptly and hang up.

3:45pm she calls me for another conversation. I'm covering front desk because the lady who works it had to go to the doctor. I refuse to talk at that point. I call her back at 4:30pm. She gives me some kind of "if you love me" shit. I talk for awhile. I'm increasingly hostile and terse (but still controlled) in the conversation.

She's handing her usual load of shit.

I tell her the reason it doesn't look like I'm coming back is because I'm not. That I refuse to explain one more time what the problem is so she can try to pick holes and wheedle around my statements. That her conduct all through the period of time I tried to make it work has reinforced my opinion she won't change her ways.

I end the call at five to leave to pick up my kids.

Once again Mrs_C has manufactured a crisis (to use my boss's words again).

She knew I was coming to pick up the kids and she'd be alone for a week.

She knew that I was going to my parents place for a slightly belated birthday party they were holding for me.

She knows I hate to get into wrangles before public events and to not have the kids all ruffled up.

But this time I didn't give a shit. I was getting the kids, I was facing her down, I was leaving for my party. 25 invited guests plus family would be waiting. She kept hammering me with "Just explain it. Tell me why. I deserve an explanation. One more time tell me what it is I did that is forcing you out the door."

I refused and said if she hadn't listened in the last year, how would it help now.

She hadn't gotten the kids ready to go like I had asked. I needed to just do a grab and run, but I suspect she had been working herself up instead of getting the kids ready. While the kids were getting their acts together she continued to hammer me verbally.

She said she had phoned our marriage counselor who had told her it looked like I had just been letting her down easy (when I pressed back she admitted she had said that, and the counselor had just agreed it was a possibility).

Did I mention this is yet again happening in the garage? I wonder why I don't actually hate that garage.

Her sister arrives and Mrs_C blurts out "[Sister], [cadbury's] just announced he doesn't want to stay and wants to make it final - get a divorce - end it all"

Sister starts in on trashing me and telling me what a bad decision I'm making and how it will ruin my children's lives and how she LOVES her children and that's why she's worked through her problems with her husband. That I obviously don't love my children, or how could I do this to them.

I politely but firmly point out to Mrs_C that it is awkward to be dragging sister into this conversation and putting her in the middle.

Sister says that she's been Mrs_C's confidante all the way through, so she knows all about it, and at least now she'll get to say a thing or two that's been on her mind. They're both yelling at me from either side.

I walk to the door to the house and call the kids to hurry up.

Mrs_C is saying how she's going to be getting an exchange student and housing her in my office to make extra money to make ends meet... I say that we will need to discuss it first - I don't want a stranger in the house with the kids. Sister says that I have no say because it's not my house anymore. I point out: 1) It is half my house and even if it weren't I'd have a say on who stayed in the house with my children. Sister starts yelling that I have no say. I say that the conversation is a two way conversation not a three way one. Sister says she'll say anything she pleases. I say that Mrs_C and sister can have the conversation about who will be in the house with my lawyer, and walk out of the garage to my vehicle.

I then walk out of where the two women are beaking at me

They go inside the house.

I return and ask Mrs_C to come outside for 30 seconds.

I tell her that I have no desire to have a lawyer involved in any of this for more than they absolutely have to be. That spitting thousands of dollars out the door to lawyers serves neither of us.

She agrees, the kids are ready, I leave.

I agreed to discuss logistics on Saturday.

I arrive late for my own birthday party. No-one asks where I was or why I was late. They all have a pretty good idea.

The party was a good one. Much food, much laughter.

I left for home with the kids, weighed down with much left-overs from my Mom.

I slept.

The kids have their own take on their Mother's behaviour and attitude. The differences in demeanor and environment are fairly stark between her and I. Between the two households.