Fear, Uptight, and Twitchingly Paranoid... On Being Cadbury

I have realised between last night and now that I have some real problems.

Nothing that can't be worked out, but some very real problems none-the-less.

What kind of problems?

CP wrote:

"I want you to go to MY four part story and read it. Read it twice. Read it until you understand that the abuse that your wife is perpetrating upon you is NO DIFFERENT than the beatings, the bloody beatings that were inflicted upon me. I nearly vomited reading part three of your story, because it was the same vicious cycle of violence that I have experienced with my ex..."

One day I quoted a website (some excerpts below):

"The most common reactions to trauma include..."

• Your thoughts and behavior patterns are affected by the trauma. You might experience vivid memories of the event. These flashbacks may occur for no apparent reason and may lead to physical reactions such as rapid heartbeat, sweating, or feeling you can't breathe.
• You may experience an overall feeling of fear, guilt, emotional numbing, over sensitivity, anger, irritability, anxiety, depression, violent fantasies, feelings of helplessness, forgetfulness of details.
• Recurring emotional reactions are common. Anniversaries of the event, such as at one month or one year, as well as reminders such as aftershocks from earthquakes or the sounds of sirens, can trigger upsetting memories of the traumatic experience. These 'triggers' may be accompanied by fears that the stressful event will be repeated.

Kristin wrote:

"For quite a few years I have worked professionally with women suffering abuse. Reading your blog has been almost as seeing their stories repeated ... with one notable exception: You have switched around the parts."

Cadbury wrote:

"Over the years she has pulled out every bit of my emotional being - like pulling a mussel out of its shell - and exposed it to air. And minced it. And then shoved it back in, or let me gather up the bits and try to recover.

Sort of like when you hear about the rapist demanding their victim pick up the clothes scattered around and put their clothes back on "Why are you naked? Get dressed!!!"

This conversation, on top of all of the rest over the last year or two, had left me with nothing left to be extracted for torture."

Smitten and I may have been together for four and a half hours last night but the time had its, um, ups and downs.

Thank the Lord that Smitten is a sensitive and caring person. I did not feel awkward (well, not that awkward) as things occurred. Smitten has been through a wringer or two in her time and works as a life skills instructor for people putting their lives back together (people coming out of far worse situations than mine).

She's a developmental psychologist.

Before any alarm bells go off in your minds related to "nurse/patient" scenarios (and i just mean in the classic sense of nurse/patient - not that we were in a professional relationship of any kind) - I have limited my discussions about my relationship with Mrs_C to the most limited kinds of comments. And those comments have only been made when there was an obvious trigger.

I have been thinking about the anxiety I had/have about this evening's dinner. I am understanding that part of the reason that I was/am so wound up about making sure that every little thing is perfect is because in a Mrs_C scenario for almost 20 years, a minor mistake - in fact not necessarily even a mistake, maybe just something that at whim would cause a reaction in her - would trigger a devastating attack or shredding. Sometimes the attack would come because my preparations were "too perfect" - and I would be accused of trying to manipulate her or make demands of her sexually by my preparations being "too perfect". You see because I had made this perfect dinner and scenario I would have been demanding a sexual response from her and she would feel pressure because of it.

The trigger for the attack was never consistent. In fact whether there was an attack or not was never consistent. I would have to be constantly evaluating the situation for danger signs.

Often that mistake or reaction would not be noted during the meal or evening or event. Most often the devastating attack would come when I was in bed with Mrs_C. Usually as we had already started to make love. I would be shredded. My intentions, my actions, the nature of my desire, and my love for her would be examined in the most negative light possible - twisted out of shape - and then shredded. After that would happen she would say something like "I just needed you to understand how this can make me feel."

I would then be expected to be able to perform sexually again. Sometimes I could, sometimes I couldn't. When I couldn't, there would be much huff.

Sometimes similar "out of the blue" attacks or huff generating triggers would just happen while we were having sex. The same "resolution" pattern would be followed.

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You have no idea of the massive heart pounding limb numbing anxiety attack I am having as I searched through my archives for the comments and excerpts I quoted above and as I type this. Especially as I read the Hell weekend posts from June.

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With Smitten last night I had no ability to predict anything. No safety territory. No pattern of what would make her happy and what would please her.

As I consider things now, I realise that just being with me made her happy.

But that didn't stop the triggers in me.

She said "I understand that there are things you need to work through - and I will help you work through them. I will be there for you. You are worth it. You spent 20 years repressing who you were and repressing your sexuality and its expression because of someone who was fundamentally emotionally unhealthy. Together we can release the real you within."