Friday 11:32am. Got a call from Mrs_C while I was at work. She's on about something or other relationship related. I can't even remember...
Right - she phoned to tell me that our daughter said to her "I'm never getting married. If two people who love each other can't get along - what's the point?"
I tell her not to call me at work for these kinds of conversations. After a couple of stops and starts I say good-bye abruptly and hang up.
3:45pm she calls me for another conversation. I'm covering front desk because the lady who works it had to go to the doctor. I refuse to talk at that point. I call her back at 4:30pm. She gives me some kind of "if you love me" shit. I talk for awhile. I'm increasingly hostile and terse (but still controlled) in the conversation.
She's handing her usual load of shit.
I tell her the reason it doesn't look like I'm coming back is because I'm not. That I refuse to explain one more time what the problem is so she can try to pick holes and wheedle around my statements. That her conduct all through the period of time I tried to make it work has reinforced my opinion she won't change her ways.
I end the call at five to leave to pick up my kids.
Once again Mrs_C has manufactured a crisis (to use my boss's words again).
She knew I was coming to pick up the kids and she'd be alone for a week.
She knew that I was going to my parents place for a slightly belated birthday party they were holding for me.
She knows I hate to get into wrangles before public events and to not have the kids all ruffled up.
But this time I didn't give a shit. I was getting the kids, I was facing her down, I was leaving for my party. 25 invited guests plus family would be waiting. She kept hammering me with "Just explain it. Tell me why. I deserve an explanation. One more time tell me what it is I did that is forcing you out the door."
I refused and said if she hadn't listened in the last year, how would it help now.
She hadn't gotten the kids ready to go like I had asked. I needed to just do a grab and run, but I suspect she had been working herself up instead of getting the kids ready. While the kids were getting their acts together she continued to hammer me verbally.
She said she had phoned our marriage counselor who had told her it looked like I had just been letting her down easy (when I pressed back she admitted she had said that, and the counselor had just agreed it was a possibility).
Did I mention this is yet again happening in the garage? I wonder why I don't actually hate that garage.
Her sister arrives and Mrs_C blurts out "[Sister], [cadbury's] just announced he doesn't want to stay and wants to make it final - get a divorce - end it all"
Sister starts in on trashing me and telling me what a bad decision I'm making and how it will ruin my children's lives and how she LOVES her children and that's why she's worked through her problems with her husband. That I obviously don't love my children, or how could I do this to them.
I politely but firmly point out to Mrs_C that it is awkward to be dragging sister into this conversation and putting her in the middle.
Sister says that she's been Mrs_C's confidante all the way through, so she knows all about it, and at least now she'll get to say a thing or two that's been on her mind. They're both yelling at me from either side.
I walk to the door to the house and call the kids to hurry up.
Mrs_C is saying how she's going to be getting an exchange student and housing her in my office to make extra money to make ends meet... I say that we will need to discuss it first - I don't want a stranger in the house with the kids. Sister says that I have no say because it's not my house anymore. I point out: 1) It is half my house and even if it weren't I'd have a say on who stayed in the house with my children. Sister starts yelling that I have no say. I say that the conversation is a two way conversation not a three way one. Sister says she'll say anything she pleases. I say that Mrs_C and sister can have the conversation about who will be in the house with my lawyer, and walk out of the garage to my vehicle.
I then walk out of where the two women are beaking at me
They go inside the house.
I return and ask Mrs_C to come outside for 30 seconds.
I tell her that I have no desire to have a lawyer involved in any of this for more than they absolutely have to be. That spitting thousands of dollars out the door to lawyers serves neither of us.
She agrees, the kids are ready, I leave.
I agreed to discuss logistics on Saturday.
I arrive late for my own birthday party. No-one asks where I was or why I was late. They all have a pretty good idea.
The party was a good one. Much food, much laughter.
I left for home with the kids, weighed down with much left-overs from my Mom.
I slept.
The kids have their own take on their Mother's behaviour and attitude. The differences in demeanor and environment are fairly stark between her and I. Between the two households.
“All I want is for the baby to be healthy!”
8 months ago
6 comments:
i'm so glad you had a good time at your party, after all that drama.
she is really something else.
good for you for standing firm.
you ain't going like reading this. but at least read it before you delete it.
First never argue in front of the kids. Refuse to talk if an argument is likely. In the garage is still in front of the kids. They can hear.
Next never talk to the sister. It is only going to be a problem. Address her as your kids' aunt and nothing more. She loves your kids. Respect that.
Now never say a negative thing about your soon-to-be-ex in front of the kids. Their mother is a wonderful, kind, and loving person... to them. Keep it that way.
Last write down you issues you had with your wife. She deserves to have it in writing so she can understand. You probably will need copies, as she'll rip the first one up. Just hand her the copy when she asks again. The mother of your kids deserves your respect even if you don't think she gets you respect.
Okay this is the last - stop bitching about the choice you made in a marriage partner. Either you don't care about her and you are leaving her life, or you do care and want to be part of her life, or at least your kids' mother's life.
Don't forget you left the house. You are leaving her the house. She decides who is welcomed in the house, and who is not. You do not have a final say in it. You are attempting to control her when you are leaving her. Leave or stay, but don't try to do both.
Why is it divorcing people act like two year olds? I thought people got married when they loved each other. If so, act like you do love each other even if you are divorcing. Your kids deserve that!
On that written explanation to your wife, assume your kids will read it. In fact, have them read it. They deserve it.
If you are honest with the kids, they will respect you. they do not have to agree with you, but they will respect you for it.
hello anonymous
i am not sure that you have read the other posts on the blog, but I urge you to check them out
as for deleting your comments, well, i have only ever deleted spam from this blog.
"never argue in front of kids". that is a great idea. i am interested in specific methodology to achieve this. also, does never arguing in front of the kids include one person just chewing the other person out? does that constitute arguing? and if so, how should that be avoided?
Next never talk to the sister. It is only going to be a problem. first, i assume you mean never talk to her about my marital issues. if so, couldn't agree more. this was the first time. it took me a few minutes to extricate myself.
She loves your kids. Respect that. um, how do you know this? big assumption.
"Now never say a negative thing about your soon-to-be-ex in front of the kids" yes. agreed.
Their mother is a wonderful, kind, and loving person... to them. Keep it that way. as I said earlier, you may want to read the other posts on this blog before making such an assumption. however, the intent of such a suggestion still has complete merit.
"Last write down you issues you had with your wife. She deserves to have it in writing so she can understand." as noted in the post she has been getting the answer to the question why for about 1 year now. again i urge you to read the rest of the blog to realise that she has had the details from me solo. she has had the details from me during counselling. she has also received the reasons from me in writing - also noted in this blog on one of the many occasions i tried to deal with issues with Mrs_C in writing and with a written agenda of relationship issues to resolve - also a part of the counselling sessions
"Okay this is the last - stop bitching about the choice you made in a marriage partner." OK. sounds easy enough to do. should i also stop bitching about my choice during counselling with my personal counsellor, or just on this blog? and if I stop bitching, what should i do with the deep well of negative emotion?
"Either you don't care about her and you are leaving her life, or you do care and want to be part of her life" again, read the blog. I do care about Mrs_C. always have. still do. i'm really sad about my marriage coming to this. never wanted it to happen.
"Don't forget you left the house. You are leaving her the house. She decides who is welcomed in the house, and who is not. You do not have a final say in it." no, i have left the house and she is living in it. i own half the house. my children live in it. as long as i have any custodial rights over my children i have a say over whom it is that will be living with them. i have a big swack of family law on my side on that one, anonynmous.
"Why is it divorcing people act like two year olds? in my argumentative logic class that would have been defined as an "ad homenim" attack. and yes, i am not completely prepared to dismiss that one or both of us might be acting like a two year old. what elements of this discourse resemble the actions of a two year old.
I thought people got married when they loved each other. If so, act like you do love each other even if you are divorcing." get real...
"On that written explanation to your wife, assume your kids will read it. In fact, have them read it. They deserve it." i agree with giving the kids an explanation. that is why they received an explanation with a question and answer session that night after the birthday party. that will be part of my next post...
also, the explanation (verbal and written) my wife would get (did get) would be somewhat different than my kids. i do not think kids need to be privy to intimate details of their parents lives.
quite seriously, i look forward to your suggestions on how to better address the issues you have raised in your post, anonymous.
Even in a one-sided argument where the kids can hear, it is as simple as walking away. first try asking that she not yell at you when the kids can hear. Arrange a time for her to yell. Counseling sessions if that is the last place away from the kids.
If your sis-in-law does not love your kids, she does not love your wife - her sister. She apparently cares enough about her sister to yell at you; therefore, she loves her sis and her sis's kids. Why would you even begin to question this? Makes me think you habor hate for some people that are close to your family. Hate people who blow up buildings and behead others. Not people who will look after your children if something bad happens to you and your wife.
Your kids have a wonderful, caring, and loving mother. That is how 99% of kids view their mothers. If your wife was the 1%, you'd be committing a criminal act to accept joint custody. Ergo, the only assumption I made was you are not a criminal.
You did not have your position written down to hand her that day in the garage. Write it down, even if it is the hundredth time you've told her or given her a letter. Have that paper ready for every encounter. If she has questions, ask her to write them down. If she won't have a good memory to write the answers.
Stop bitching in general. That is what is making you bitter. She the good in people. Again, the only ones not good are blowing up buildings. Your counselor has little to gain by making you see this. A new attitude starts with you wanting a new attitude. Act like you have it, and soon enough, it will not be an act.
Do not pull the "I'm paying for this house" and "they are my kids" crap. You still want control over something you are leaving. What if she brnigs home a date? Does the law allow you to ban her sister from coming over for lunch? to babysit? Sorry, but if you want to play law games, you are a bitter, sorry-loser. Get over it. Let her leave her life. Wait until she makes a decision. If a foreign exchange student starts making bombs, yes, protect your kids. Otherwise, let them have a wonderful experience with another culture.
Share with your kids EXACTLY the same as you share with your wife. Having one story. One Reason. One written letter. That is how to be honest with your kids. Q&A are fine, but give them the respect they deserve.
Yes, you claimed to have loved this woman once. Now, beyond andy other time in your life, is the time to act like it. If you really cared for you, and you claim you still do, show her the respect you think loved ones deserve. That means not talking behnd her back. We only get your side of the story. You can paint yourself as a saint. you would not like her talking behind your back. Don't do it to her.
Yes, you are acting two year olds. It is all about what YOU WANT, not about what others need. Once you can see that, the bitterness goes away. BTDT.
Hmph. Anon obviously hasn't read your entire blog. People will speak of things they know nothing of at times. This is one example.
Honestly, everyone bitches about something. Period. It's human nature. If you don't like Cadbury exploring his life, marriage, and role in his family, stop reading the blog. It's that simple.
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