You are all absolutely correct in seeing a level of ambivalence and hesitation all the way along in my desire to leave Mrs_C.
I had no desire to leave Mrs_C. I did, and do, have substantive desire to leave an abusive relationship - and therefore, necessarily, must leave, and have left, Mrs_C.
As I have said: there is no question of love, or of caring, or of desire, or of longing, or of commitment.
There is the question as to whether I could continue to live with Mrs_C. The answer is no. There is the question as to whether the love and caring could overcome the anger and rage. The answer is no.
I emotionally left last year when I could not deal with the put-downs. Many of you have been with me for that journey. I physically left at the beginning of this summer when the rage and the anger and the uncontrollability of the emotional swirl became too much.
For various reasons I tried to make the situation less painful - for me - for her - for the kids.
As Mrs_C's icon Dr. Phil would ask "How's that workin' for ya?"
So I tried to address the split with finality when she returned from vacation. Didn't hold up so well, and softpedalled once again. Knew that it just had to be done. So I did it. Somewhat harshly. I am not very good at being mean. Discipline and order is one thing - harshness... no.
So with little experience at holding the line with Mrs_C - last friday I had to say this is it - it's done - it's finished - I'm not coming home - I'm not coming back.
She raised her voice. So did I.
I'm not perfect like the anonymous guy.
Pissy said:
"I've seen it all. I've heard it all. You and Mrs. C will NEV-ER be able to work this out without lawyers. Mrs. C won't allow it. She says she will. But she'll just drag it out..."
"Why prolong the inevitable?
You've been going through this pattern with Mrs. C since I started reading your blog."
Yeah. The reality check.
Mrs_C wanted to exchange written calendars with all the kids stuff on them (neither of us are the best with calendars and stuff). I'm building a web based one with different modification rights that any of the four of us can put stuff into - kids can enter dances and birthday parties and stuff and we can put in our stuff - lessons, blah, blah. Because the kids will be bringing school notices to both addresses we need to have an information sharing tool that is accessible from as many places as possible.
We'll see how it works.
6 comments:
Love the idea of a shared on line calender for the family. You are really on top of things.
The shared on-line calender is a great idea. Hope it works for you.
Sorry if I was harsh with the reality check. Too many years of listening to people with these same issues.
I tend to cut to the chase.
no harshness was taken
i had hoped that i communicated my full consideration of your comments
i'm emotionally involved with a lot of regret and a lot more built in desire to make things "all better"
the reality check is needed
you were right
I can understand that you're emotionally involved with a lot of regret....I know you had hoped things would work out.
Afterall, who get's married and has children expecting that it WON'T work out?
I just worry about you b/c you're such a nice sensitive guy and Mrs. C has taken advantage of that fact for years.
pleased to have you registered now, blog_surfer
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desire
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French desirer, from Latin desiderare, from de- + sider-, sidus heavenly body
transitive verb
1 : to long or hope for : exhibit or feel desire for
2 a : to express a wish for
synonyms DESIRE, WISH, WANT, CRAVE, COVET mean to have a longing for
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desire to do something...
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my dog had cancer some 20 years ago. i had her put down when she began to vomit every day and couldn't walk well enough anymore, and the medication to take away her pain couldn't
i did it because it had to be done. i nevered desired that outcome.
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choose
Etymology: Middle English chosen, from Old English cEosan; akin to Old High German kiosan to choose, Latin gustare to taste
transitive verb
1 a : to select freely and after consideration
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intent is important to me.
i did not desire the end of my marriage. i took many steps to try to make it work. i did choose to end my marriage. i did take the action to make that ending occur.
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yes - i do concern myself with the opinion of others.
i do concern myself that unless my intent is communicated over and over, that my intent can be distorted by someone else.
i just left someone who has conditioned me to have to repeat my intent over and over because of consistent distortion of my intent.
i define my intent
me
not you
and if my feelings have ambivalence, and if my feelings are torn - then i will express those torn feelings
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ambivalence
Main Entry: am·biv·a·lence
Pronunciation: am-'bi-v&-l&n(t)s
Function: noun
Etymology: International Scientific Vocabulary
1 : simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action
2 a : continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite) b : uncertainty as to which approach to follow
- am·biv·a·lent /-l&nt/ adjective
- am·biv·a·lent·ly adverb
You desired to end the pain and suffering of your dog. You chose to the dog put down rather than continue to see your dog suffer.
We all make choices. Some situations people call the lesser of two evils. But a choice is made. you desire one choice over another.
Little children mince words. Adults talk straight. Time to grow up. Your kids are growing up fast with their new reality. You need to be able to talk straight to them.
Worrying about what others think is wrong. Worrying about how it affects others is right. Worry about your kids. they are the ones most affected by all of this. This ought not be about "me, me, me." You said so in a previous post, and now is the time to act like you meant it.
If you act like a soul torn person, your kids will not respect you. You cease to be a role model for them. If you act like someone who is taking responsibility for his actions - past, present, and future - your kids have a role model.
So, say it with me, "I desire to leave the abusive relationship with Mrs_C." She is intertwined with the relationship. You cannot desire to leave one and not the other. No word mincing.
If your true desire is to change Mrs_C into a the perfect lady in which you can stay, leaving her will never accomplish that. So, admit to yourself, that you desire to leave HER.
If you cannot talk straight to anonymous internet personalities, how are you ever going to talk straight to your kids?
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