Tattoo?
What tattoo?
I didn't know you had a tattoo Cadbury...
It's not just sex. That's the place where I have the most anxiety, but it happens elsewhere too.
One of the things that I am realising (as stated the last few posts) is that I'm a little more messed than I thought I was by this whole marriage to Mrs_C thing. She got a little deeper than I thought.
Two of the women I spend the most time with - my friend at work "D" and now Smitten - have been trying to get me to stop saying sorry as much as I do when discussing interpersonal matters.
I'm pretty jumpy.
Yeah
Now I know why my dog would duck and piddle every time someone moved quickly when we first got him from the pound.
One of the elements of this that I'm still wrapping my head around is how I can be turned to for leadership - be the person people hide behind on so many other fronts - in meetings and social/political activist settings, but be a piddling dog in my personal life.
I'm supposed to be the strong one. The one with no fear.
So that piddling isn't going over well with myself.
People ask me how I can stay calm and be the rock.
I suspect it's because I believe. My cause. My passion. My devotion to creating a better world, if only for a single person (without tearing down anyone else) - I will have achieved success - a success I live most days and most weeks.
I don't really believe in myself.
Fear
Anxiety
When I was dating "K" I devoted myself to her sexual satisfaction. I devoted myself to romance and charm.
I have never considered myself good looking.
I'm slowly changing that view. I'm no George Clooney, but I have my days.
As a younger man I believed that I was not very good looking and dedicated my efforts to being as charming as possible. I was/am a nice guy to begin with, so it seemed to be the perfect way to be charming. I built on that foundation for my interpersonal dealings with women.
By being the anti-asshole I could meet the mark set in women's magazines and books (and in Playboy) for the perfect male. I would be "the man all women desire". Polite, pleasant, considerate, nice - to a fault.
Then women would like me.
When I was rebuffed I would pour on the charm offensive.
I like to think that it is/was because I honestly like the person I am being charming to. I have no time or use for being nice to someone I don't like. Never have, don't expect I ever will. So it was never an indiscriminate wash of oozing "Rico Sauve".
Mrs_C has a pretty scary childhood behind her.
Sexual abuse (uncle and cousin) and being beaten by her Mom.
[As for me, I thought that I could deal with all of it, because "I as a boy, I believed the saying the cure for pain was love"]
Her young adult life wasn't much better.
I did my best to show her that I wasn't scary and that all men weren't scary abusers.
She has told me I was the first (theoretically only) guy she ever was able to achieve an orgasm with. I believe her because of the context of that statement. It was when I had expressed my disappointment with not being able to give her more than one orgasm when we made love.
There are some positions that set off triggers in Mrs_C from the abuse.
When she got it into her mind that I was "just interested in the sex" and not in making love, she would change how she responded and acted.
I never could discern a pattern to what would set her off (I tried sooooooo hard to understand a pattern).
Except for two things: one position that resembled how her longest term abuser would climb on top of her and grind while she was lying on her abdomen; and she would usually react very badly if I got going (you know - the motion) too quickly.
So if things got a little, uh, frantic - it would usually trigger a reaction from her. But not always.
I was already there, but after a very short while I learned even more iron control over motion.
She wouldn't say "hey - don't do it that way" as I asked so many times. Or even do anything to alter rythyms or whatever.
Lots of times she would stop whatever we were doing and push me away or slap or hit me and then begin yelling or talking in a harsh or accusatory manner.
If she chose not to blow up at me she would change her actions to a kind of passive aggressive thing. She would stop the slower loving motions and would switch to just fast "get me [cadbury] off" motions. The anger and upset was always apparent when she would do it.
I would stop her or myself and we would be into it verbally.
When I was with Smitten she would begin to go fast and furious a lot.
The panic that would grip me when it changed to that rhythm was just about complete. Even if I knew it wasn't Mrs_C, my body and emotions didn't and I would be in a state of terror.
"The 1981 movie "“Tattoo" was a mild thriller, featuring an obsessive loner who falls in love with a fashion model and decides to save her from her life of decadence."
"Karl's growing obsession with saving Maddy and keeping her perfect finally leads him to kidnap her. Her drugs her with chloroform and takes her to his motherÂ’s now-deserted, seaside house. While she is still unconscious, he begins tattooing her, to make her "“clean" and sacred in his eyes. Maddy is furious and then horrified when she comes to, and discovers the skin art she now wears is permanent."
"This was the movie the debuted Temptu tattoo makeup. Primarily alcohol-based, this thin paint will stay on for up to a week, even in water, if cared for properly. When Maddy first sees her body tattoos, she licks her hand and rubs at them, to no effect. It'’s a great scene because everyone has at sometime licked their fingers and rubbed something off their skin, but usually whatever it is comes off at that point."
Tattoo?
What tattoo?
I didn't know you had a tattoo Cadbury...
Yeah
Neither did I
I'm seeing it in the mirror just now.
2 comments:
wow.
cadbury, i applaud you for not shying away from the difficult issues here. and for continuing on your journey.
Wow...I was just thinking the same thing that Terry said.
I can see why you might have some "performance" anxiety. After years and years of looking for cues like that, it could make anyone jumpy. Sounds like just talking about it and recognizing what is taking place is going to help heal you.
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