how's it going?

i suck at posting

there is so much happening that it causes me writer's block - or writer's cramps - or something like that

when i was in counseling (ended at the end of april) we had to lengthen the sessions because i would spend the first 30 minutes of a 60 minute appointment with a recitation of events filling in the details to my counselor - and then not fully get to some of the underlying issues that needed to be worked on

same here

i want to chronicle the details and there are so many and so much that i can't. and because i am so ploddingly ordered that way... it causes me problems in trying to post - because i can't remember how everything went down and in exactly what order

so i'm going to ditch my practice out of necessity

perhaps its one of those skills i am meant to learn - or one of those things i have to learn to just let go in an increasingly disordered world

so,

where are things at?

i'm OK

my fibromyalgia is acting up - but that is likely stress related. and i've had a bit.

Smitten and I are still an item. She is a saint for putting up with the crap in my life and its impact on our relationship. I am, however, eminently worth it. And I'm actually beginning to realise/believe that.

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My daughter hasn't dropped acid recently, does smoke pot all the time, but doesn't do meth or E (yet). She did get a prescription for birth control... the patch. I had a very serious conversation with her about her inability to keep on a pill regimen when she was on Prozac - so she has the patch. I have discussed my concern that she is too young to be having sex, but i am not going to be stupid either. What I have tried to impress on her is: "Try to at least make it someone you care about. Instead of some romp at a party on top of a pile of coats. Try to make it memorable..."

I have also tried to explain to her that she should still use a condom because of the possibility of STDs. I have additionally tried to get her to realise that any guy who refuses to wear a condom with her doesn't respect her, and she shouldn't be banging him anyway. She hasn't acknowledged much of what I have said, but i have had my words come back to me out of her mouth as she talks about her worldview, and from her brother as he relates things she's said to him. So maybe i got through.

I just had a conversation with her - she is having her period right now so she will need to begin her patch cycle right after. She wanted me to pick up her prescription. I refused. I told her she could walk to the pharmacy after school tomorrow. I also told her she is going to buy herself a box of condoms while she's there. That she is going to take ownership of her own actions.

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Son dropped out of school. I at least got him to withdraw instead of being kicked out. They had already booted him for missing school, but reversed it all and made it withdrawals instead. I had a fight with him for almost a week to actually be enough of a man to not just let things happen to him - to choose - to control his withdrawal. He was afraid to face the music. Now, he almost proudly explains to his friends how by making the choice to withdraw and to have the administrators do the paperwork has made sure he has no hassles to get back into school.

I think he learned the lesson he needed to learn. That a controlled or managed crash will most often have better outcomes than just letting it all go and letting the system have its way with you.

He has a girlfriend. They are having sex. My condom supply is running out because the stupid fucker (literally) hasn't gotten a job yet to pay for his own shit. But, I suppose, all things in their time.

I had to push pretty hard for him to get his resume together - but he did. It sucked. I had done one for him, and gave it to him after he made his own. Not to prove how great i am (like my Dad likely would have done), but to help him out. I told him that i wanted him to go through the process of doing the resume for himself. That i believe that part of his problem is that i have run to wipe his nose or his ass as soon as it needed it for his whole life - and that because so often i was pre-emptive in my caregiving that i believed he found my watching out for him to be intrusive rather than helpful. So he can do his own shit. He can pick himself up and motivate himself.

I have given Son a notice of eviction. Daughter got a notice of grounding. I posted each two page document at the front door and am leaving them on the wall to see every day. The notices detail the things they need to do to avoid getting their asses kicked.

It has been a struggle, but they are starting to change their behaviours.

It has been a very tension filled household for the last month.

I had to find work. Money was an issue. Son was dropping out. Daughter was hacking at herself again.

But I/we've struggled to the surface again.

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My job is OK. Today is two weeks on the job. On my second day one of the servers failed.

Welcome to your new job...

The server and network structure is for shit. i have NO respect for my predecessors. The whole thing is a disaster waiting to happen. I am fixing it. But I will detail some of that in a separate post.

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Smitten has been accepted into grad school for her master's. she is taking human resources development.

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she is an amazing human being

and i am so glad that we found each other

it is becoming harder and harder to be apart. we have even discussed our wish to live together - not at some ephemeral future date - but now. but we won't until a whole lot of other shit is worked through and lived through.

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the stbx is still nuts

we have a mediation session on friday

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i am going to exercise now

more later