Friday, August 11, 2006

Why?

Again










Yeah.



I know.



You told me so.



Fuck you too.




Went to address logistics of this coming weekend (kids with me and some stuff we're doing out of town) and my taking care of the house while Mrs_C and the kids are gone on vacation in the immediate future.

Nice night. I like our neighbourhood. I sit all day. We went for a walk around the neighbourhood. She tells me all about how she knows she didn't treat me right and stuff and she wants me to come back, blah, blah, blah.

I'm saying - no, this is a discussion just about logistics. She's saying but you need to know what I'm thinking. You need to know how I'm feeling. You need to know how much I'm changing.

I tell her that the discussion was agreed to only be about logistics. She reticently agrees to stick to that topic.

We complete the discussion. She's been quite pleasant. I leave. I'm actually thinking positive thoughts about her (not about our marriage). Thinking "My, she CAN be reasonable sometimes."



My son (14) calls me today. He's very upset. Seems he just got of the phone with his mother. He got into an argument with his mother because he didn't want to go shopping for new pants with her. He said he'd phone me to see if he needs dress pants for the event we are going to. His mother accused him of always subverting her rules by phoning me. Says that neither daughter or son will listen to her. His mother then accused him of trying to manipulate me in my "sensitive state", but wouldn't say what about. She says to son that he's trying to manipulate her and the whole situation. She says that he's just being stubborn about everything - and that she's not going to have both him and me telling her that we're right all the time. Just like his Dad - always has to be right and she has to give in to try to save the marriage and what a long time it will take to "get things back to normal" after all of this. Blah, blah, blah (some other stuff).



Do you see any change?



Yeah.

I know the answer too.

That's called a rhetorical question.

And I don't actually mean fuck you too. I'm just astounded at the lack of results for the good intentions side of the universe.

Everybody sing along:

Make me a channel of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me bring Your love,
Where there is injury, Your pardon Lord,
And where there's doubt, true faith in You

Make me a channel of your peace,
Where there's despair in life let me bring hope,
Where there is darkness - only light,
And where there's sadness, ever joy

Oh Master, grant that I may never seek,
So much to be consoled as to console,
To be understood, as to understand,
To be loved, as to love with all my soul

Make me a channel of your peace,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
In giving to all men that we recieve,
And in dying that we're born to eternal life



(did i mention that this was sung by the soloist at my wedding at my request?)

8 comments:

SignGurl said...

*sigh*

Cheer up! It's the weekend!

terry said...

you know, cad.... we can all "advise" you until we're blue in the face, but you're the only one who can know what's right for you and your family, and what's the best course of action.

it's not easy to end a long marriage, especially when there are kids involved. and sometimes, it takes a whole lot of ickiness to get to the point when you're really done with it all.

*sending peaceful thoughts your way*

Zephyr said...

i think the thing to look at is Ann Lander's famous question "are you better off with her or without her." and as terry said.. only you can answer that.

hugs

cadbury_vw said...

just for the record, i'm not saying i want to stay with her or get back together

i'm stunningly hurt each time i forgive and let go and think better thoughts

i am hurt by the manipulation and lies

and then when i confront her, like tonight, she denies all of it and says i'm misinterpreting

i am deeply saddened that a person i put such faith - such belief in all those years is just jerking my leash again and again

Michelle said...

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all of this. I can understand that is hurts so much.

Thinking about you and sending good thoughts :)

{{{{{HUG}}}}}

Michelle said...

and I know that song....it is a beautiful song!! :)

terry said...

that sadness you feel is part of the grieving process.

and i promise you, you will get past it. i did.

it just takes time. so don't beat yourself up.

Big Pissy said...

Terry said it.....

take care, Cad.