"why are you still going to "marriage" counseling and starting "dating" at the same time" - bg's Little Sis
I agreed to go to counseling after I blew up on the phone. The atmosphere of our conversations was increasingly hostile. At least I was hostile and she was manipulating my hostility (in my opinion). I agreed to have a discussion with Mrs_C with the counselor as a "mediator" or "mediating presence" about how we resolve to work together on raising the kids.
One of the things that has caused me to be hostile is that Mrs_C is dragging "I want to you to come back" stuff into the "what are we doing about and with the kids" discussions (we are setting up the lesson and activity line-up for the next school year).
I dislike anger, yelling, fighting, and tension laced personal situations (I have no issue with it at work because that's not a matter of "the heart"). I am now of the belief that Mrs_C actively provoked me as a ploy to get back to the marriage counselor. I am so naive that way...
So, I agreed it would probably be just as useful to use the counselor we have already seen, because we wouldn't have to bring someone new up to speed.
Mrs_C proceeded to use most of the session with the counselor to try to put getting back together back on the table for discussion.
And that is the answer to the question.
“All I want is for the baby to be healthy!”
8 months ago
5 comments:
it is my opinion that mrs_c understands where i am in terms of our marriage.
it is my belief that she is trying to force me to another position.
i believe that she used false language to lure me into a session with the intent of making me change my stance. she said that the session was going to be just about how we communicate with each other and that we needed to be able to talk about the kids and such without acrimony.
my friend here said to me (her words, not mine) "Women are like that sometimes. I knew this guy who like me as a friend, and he told me that flat out. But he let me kiss him once, so I thought that maybe there was a chance."
I think my friend should have said people are like that (especially in affairs of the heart), but her idea is, i think, accurate.
I think that is what you are getting at. Mrs_C does not see things with the same finality that i do.
I also read an undertone (perhaps mis-reading) of questioning whether i have been 100% up front with mrs_c or whether i am stringing her along while dating on the side.
I softpedal harsh language in favour of softer words.
Your words, and further reflection on my friend's words make me think that perhaps it is time to be utterly stark about the situation and leave nothing that could give mrs_c hope for the marriage.
My friend said "Don't even answer her questions about what it is you have complaints about in the relationship because it will give her an opportunity to say 'I'm working on it and need more time' or 'no really - I'm changing - see'"
My friend had a six month "trial separation" after her first marriage. She said it was cruel to her husband to have given him any hope they would get back together. That she just called it a "trial separation" to make it easier. But it made it worse. She said there needed to be finality.
Yeah - L'il Sis - I heaqr what you are saying.
I could see where this whole thing looks conflicted. You might be giving Mrs. C false hope. I think you are right about letting her know in no uncertain terms how you feel.
I can only say that as long as you continue to go to this counselor you will be giving her hope (at least in her twisted mind, or at least an hour to torment you even more.). As far as any conversation, outings, and the like that you give Mrs. C. other than 'just the facts' about the children, etc. , you are giving her hope. And I am still not sure why you feel you owe her something? If you agree, then blow up, who's fault is that? This has happened before, right? You CAN NOT trust her, and you know it too!
I know you 'dislike anger, yelling, fighting, and tension laced personal situations.' BUT, you know what you had put up with, that is why you left...so finalize it (you, not her!). Somehow, you are still allowing her to ploy you. Sorry, but you are! I would really like to suggest you look up your counselor, Cad. Please go! Honestly, I feel you need it...only to help you transcend through this madness. (Figuratively speaking.)
Until you can grasp at the inner reasons you keep getting 'sucked in', reasons for your anger and your hostility regarding your choices relating to your situation, and come to a place where you, Cad, are in charge, and you take 100% ownership of your choices, I don't think anyone is going to get it. There is NO use for that combo-counselor. There is no use for you to try or to feel guilty about your choice. Until you can clear up some of your inner struggles, dating will be fun and an adventure. Maybe even thrilling to have someone else look at you and want you! BUT, as far as a long term relationship without these issues of anger...etc. coming up, you have got to work it out. Cut her off all the way, cut the combo-counselor off, all the way, and get your shit together! Don't get me wrong, I admire you and I sure know it is not easy. It's just there is NO gray here. I care about you and wish all good thing for you and your children.
At the next counseling session, in front of the Mrs. and the counselor, you need to say something.
"I will not be joining you for next weeks session. I have begun dating and have moved on with my life. I do not feel a marriage counselor is appropriate at this point. However, I will be happy to join Mrs. C and the children at parental and family counseling, so we can all learn to co-exist as a family."
Yes, you will be the bad guy. Yes, the counselor will think you are a piece of shit...
BUT...do you really care? Seriously.
Your life has improved. Your children are happy. The only person who is miserable is the person who was miserable all along.
If you lay it on the line, there is no false hope. There is no mincing words. Just say what you have to say. Be a man, take it on the chin...get your lumps and then, retreat to your apartment knowing you did the right thing because you were 100% honest.
CP.
what everyone else said?
ditto.
be clear about where you stand. it's best for you, for her, and for your kids.
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