One Year

One year ago on August 28th I told Mrs_C that I had been looking for an apartment. 6 days after telling her we should separate.

One year ago I said "I've had enough".

One year ago I agreed to see if we could make it work.

One year ago Mrs_C had just come back from a walk with her Mother and Sister and they were all looking daggers at me.

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The rage I feel is immense.

I contain it.

There is no good found in rage.

Channel it.

8 miles. 3 times a week. 8 miles. Full ramp height.

Turn my rage - my anger - and my fear - into will. The will to transform my body. Transform my body that fought against me with excrutiating convulsive muscle spasms for years. Master my body. Become at one - at peace with it.

Channel the rage.

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While they were away on holidays Mrs_C told my children (they told me) that I had a pile of money stashed somewhere in preparation to leave her. That she would have to sell the house, and I had money stashed somewhere. They would lose their rooms - including daughter's just redone room (I knew there was an agenda behind that piece of renovation - but she got me on this one - I thought it was just a straight "look what a nice thing I did for you". but Mrs_C is more sly than that simple bit of bribery). They would lose their rooms - and I had money stashed somewhere.

That I have a girlfriend. A girlfriend that I have made plans with. That I will move in with in the spring. That Mrs_C would have to sell the house, and they would lose their rooms and their tree fort (that I built for them) so that I could move in with my girlfriend that I am having an affair with. That all the things I said about her were lies made up to hurt her and obscure the truth of my plans with my girlfriend.

My children defended me.

I am going to use a term I don't use very often. I don't think I have written it much (if ever) in this blog, and I have used it verbally maybe half a dozen times in the last 18 years.

Bitch.

Fucking bitch.

Fucking bitch says that to my children and then has the temerity to tell me she loves me and wants to get back together. That she wants me. Desires me. That I am the only man she wants to be with.

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My children have asked me to not tell their mother that they tell me things that she says. I slipped once and it bit my daughter - put her in a very awkward spot. I won't slip again.

Mrs_C said some of those things above to me - but not quite that directly. I subsequently got the report from my kids. I used and opportunity to challenge her on it a couple of days later - saying she'd said those things to me. She said "Oh. I was angry. I didn't really mean it." You know - like she didn't mean it all those times she threatened me with her leaving me. With her taking my house and my children - because she was the woman and she had a good wage and I had nothing. When I didn't know our laws and judicial guidelines and their protections on a non-gender basis.

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One year later I drank icced cappucinos at an outdoor cafe with my co-worker, then went out for Thai food with him and my friends at another wonderful outdoor restaurant. Neither restaurant I could ever even get Mrs_C into.

One of my friends asked me "So, are you happy?"

I nodded emphatically (i had a mouthful of food). The other friend said "Look - it's a [cadbury] bobble head!" Much laughter. I guess you had to be there...

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One year ago I was alone in my own home.

As Mrs_C predicted, one year later I am alone in my apartment.

One year later I have hope.

My children will be coming to stay with me next week for a full week.

One year later - I will sleep well tonight.

One year later - I look forward to a new day.