I had re-read all the comments on the blog last week. I had read snippets of what I wrote. Today I read the whole thing from start to finish - all of my posts.
Holy shit
What a fucking nightmare!
I didn't even remember some of that stuff.
I'm mind boggled. Holy shit. Stunned.
I going to copy and format it into a small bound publication for myself. I intend to put it into the drawer on my bedside table.
Yesterday I went to the house to write out some post-dated cheques for the kids ethnic dance stuff. While I was there Mrs_C opened a conversation about the kids. And then school. And how she was relating to them. And how she had realised something about herself. And her need to re-engage our son who is so angry with her. And something she'd read in one of her Dr. Phil books. And how that reflected on our relationship. That she realised that she wanted me to re-affirm every day that I loved her totally. And that she would test me every day on how much I loved her. And get angry at me when I didn't meet her mark. And how that was wrong. And how she was changing and going to change and how I should come home.
Yep. It took less than 5 minutes while I was writing out the cheques.
Mrs_C tried to get me to re-commit to the "make it work" scenario. The "committed to making it work" scenario. I refused.
I told her that her actions spoke louder than words. That she hadn't changed. She said "How should I change? All you have to do is tell me."
I informed her that I had told her last fall (2005). Just leave me be. Don't analyse. Don't play psychiatrist. Don't talk about the relationship. Just live and be happy. Don't pressure me to make you feel special and that she is the one and only every moment of my existence. I told her that when I first agreed to stay fall 2005. Even when she was silent there was an undertone to her language and posture.
She's never actually left things to heal. Always picking at the wound.
I told her that even today she couldn't help herself and was on it like a dirty shirt in 5 minutes. And that she was keeping me from both eating and my exercise because she just couldn't help herself. And that I can't live with her.
She kept trying to engage me by bringing up yet another way of approaching the same old topic.
My son got a wasp bite in the afternoon. His arm was swollen from what the doctor thought was an infection. She had a prescription. I kept telling her that instead of talking about our relationship and re-hashing old ground she should go get the prescription. She kept on with the relationship talk. For a total of 20 minutes while our son had a swollen arm.
I got angry and I told her to stop it. To just drop it and be responsible as a parent. That it was inappropriate to have any conversation like this while our son was in any danger. That I was going to go eat and work-out. And I left.
She called me in tears at 10:45 at night as I was cleaning and preparing my lunch for the next day. She asked me if she could come over. If I would just hold her. That she had not place to turn emotionally. I snarled in my reponses at first (yes - at first). Quickly she broke me down. Tears do that to me.
I agreed she could come over with two provisos: 1) no sex or asking for sex (she's tried a bunch of times) 2) maximum 15 minutes.
I talked for 10 minutes and then told her I needed to finish my stuff. She could stay and stand in the kitchen until I was done. She blathered on with high pressure stuff about how bad the kids wanted us to get back together. Anecdote here and anecdote there. Part of the problem was that my kids had already briefed me on lots of these conversations and their version was different. My son has warned me all along about how he overhears (listens in on) his Mother's versions of conversations he has with her and how they bear no resemblance to what he said.
She didn't push me directly like earlier.
I finished my stuff and asked her to leave. She did.
Today I thought about the idea of going back and the illness it brought to me. The vomit feeling in my guts.
That's part of the reason I went back to what I had posted - to read the stuff I wrote describing the environment in our home before I left.
I thought about Mrs_C's whining and prying and levering on the issue of the effect of the break-up on the children.
And it brought this comment to mind:
"Your children, no matter how you've tried to veil the truth from them, realize the hard truth about your relationship. They're taking in every word, look, and move. They're learning how adults interact with each other in intimate relationships.
Like it or not, they're learning how to be like you and your wife. This will continue unless you show the strength I know you have, make a stand, and set healthy boundaries"
"Remember, I work with kids whose parents mimic more than a handful of your wife's behaviors. I see the scars each and every year in a new group of kids. Sure, television, music, movies, and gossip rags CAN contribute to the creation of personalities, fighting styles, and various other behaviors.
However, after working with the population I do for many years, I can tell you with great certainty that parents and homelife are the true deciding factors."
5 comments:
Every so often I go back and read too. It's such a bizarre feeling. Nice and horrible, all at the same time.
Learn from the past.
Look to the future.
Good for you! This is one of the reasons that online journaling is so successful. You get to read what was going on to remind you not to repeat it.
Have a great weekend!
I didn't read the previous post.
Didn't need to.
I read the first few sentences, and that's all I needed to read.
I've been there.
Hell, I'm there right now. Or close enough to 'there' that I can smell it.
I haven't really read much of this blog, because it's so painful for me So I may be way off base here, or this may be something that you've already addressed: It sounds to me like your wife is an alcoholic. If not, I'm guessing she learned life's lessons at the knees of an alcoholic and/or an enabler.
In my opinion, with alcoholics, the drinking is often times only a symptom. Folks can stop drinking and still have the same behavior. They're called 'dry drunks.'
And you're noticing how easy it is to fall right into that same old routine.
A few years ago, a counselor was talking to me about living with an alcoholic, she had gone over all of the symptoms of alcoholism--mood swings, illness, blackouts, denial--the whole schmeer. She then told me that people who live with them suffer the exact same symptoms.
I told her she was wrong. She asked me to pick a symptom.
"Blackouts" I said.
She smiled. "What did you have for dinner last night?"
I didn't know.
I may be talking out my ass here about you and your situation. I'm perfectly willing to admit that. Or, maybe I've given you something to think about.
At the very least, I want you to know that I know what you're going through, I know how hard it is to be the adult in these situations. Especially with kids involved.
And I wouldn't worry about them. They can see from your actions that you are the healthy one. Keep being healthy, both emotionally and physically. They'll notice.
Actually, don' worry about any of it. You're doing fine.
And if I may offer one last piece of advice? Don't 'deal with' your anger. Experience it. Feel it, and then, let it go.
Remember, you can feel angry without acting on it. A technique I've had some success with is imagining my feelings as birds. It's a technique used in some oriental philosophy, I don't know or care which. I think it's where the phrase 'the blue bird of happiness' comes from, but I have no evidence to support this.
Anyway, I imagine my emotion (especially the strong ones) as different types of birds. Anger, for me, is a bright red macaw, screaming loudly as it sits on my shoulders. I watch it, and listen to its screams, and then I watch it go away.
Sounds dopey, I'm sure. But it works for me.
I'm pulling for ya!
Yeharr
ps. I tagged you over on my blog. Just because.
i can't remember who made that earlier comment, but those are wise words indeed.
and pirate nearly made me cry with his.
cad, good for you, for not letting her manipulate you.
hey Balloon Pirate: if you ever wander back to this comments section - i am thinking REALLY hard on what you said
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