unreasonable anger, trigger, my jaw hurts and i have a headache

I was getting together with Smitten last night. She called and wondered what arrangements would be, she was not feeling 100% and after some discussion wanted to stay at her place rather than mine. I was fully supportive of this and had nudged things that way.

We had talked about going to a drum jam that night - but as she wasn't feeling up to it, I let it slide. It is a regular drum jam that I have wanted to go to for awhile, but there never seemed to be the time to do it, or the inclination. But she wasn't feeling swell. She thought maybe a movie or something at home (we don't do movies at home very often).

She asked what time we would get together, and I asked what we would do about supper - intimating that we would get together for supper. She thought that was a good idea but had no idea of what she should make. I had a couple of suggestions - mostly I just wanted hot food. It is cold and rainy and shitty here right now (about 4C/39.2F).

Smitten didn't like my first couple of suggestions. She had none of her own, but kept rejecting my suggestions. That really pissed me off. stbx-Mrs_C did that all the time on lots of things - not just food - but often on food - usually when she was feeling a little shitty (like Smitten was) and didn't know what she wanted. I felt myself beginning to argue and get tense and recognised why, so I told Smitten "Look - it doesn't much matter to me what we eat as long as it's hot and it's low fat. It's your decision."

She said ok. She said she would get the supper stuff and would i get the movie. She then asked when she could expect me. I dislike having set times on arrivals. Not because i am necessarily always late - I am somewhat late on arbitrary time lines often enough because while my estimate may be accurate on a baseline - things like road construction or traffic or lack of a suitable movie will impact time of arrival.

(stbx-Mrs_C was really bad for pushing me to give as short a time line as possible, and then giving me shit for missing it...)

Smitten has a thing about timeliness (before we met, not as a reaction to me). Sometimes it's a little retentive in my opinion. 2 minutes extra, 5 minutes, often 10 minutes are, in my opinion, not to be getting bent out of shape over if you are just going somewhere on an easy schedule. If you have to be somewhere - then yes - i am on time.

anyway - back to the story.

when asked for an ETA i responded not with a time, but with my activity set: leave work at 5, drive to video store, pick video, go to grocery store (next to video store), buy 5 items, go to your place. you can estimate my travel time as well as i can. i plan no other stops. factors that may impact - traffic, accidents, lousy movie selection, line-ups

Smitten wasn't thrilled with the lack of a definitive time, but accepted my answer.

I went and got the movie. She was on her phone when i called to check my selection. That cost me 10 minutes standing around the store hitting redial. I gave up and went to get groceries further over in the strip mall and returned back to the video store after that. When i called she realised there might be issues with me being anxious over movie selection (trigger from stbx-Mrs_C). I also explained that the last couple of movies i picked that she had strongly negative comments on hadn't left me feeling so secure about choosing either. she said she felt bad about how i was feeling, but made a choice - she asked what i wanted to watch and i said that i was ok with any of the movies that i had put forward for her to choose from.

When i arrived at her place i had a bad headache and my jaw hurt. I took some acetaminophen and went in.

In my head I had built up this scenario where she was all pissy because i had taken X period of time. In my head I was mad at her for being indecisive about what she wanted for supper - and mad that my suggestions hadn't been accepted.

I was mad that she had "rejected" those movies i had shown her previously, and was mad that she had sent me to pick a movie and then not been available when i called - because i expected that she was counting off the minutes that it was taking me to get to her place and would lambaste me when i went in the door about taking so long.

I was mad because i didn't get to watch the movie i really wanted to watch and was expecting to catch shit for taking so long to pick up a movie that wasn't my top pick. i was mad that i was reverting to letting her determine which movies i got to watch.

i had it in my head that i was really actually mad at stbx-Mrs_C and that my reaction was overreacting

and when i walked in the door i was greeted by a smiling and happy Smitten. A Smitten who was happy to see me and didn't say boo about the time. Who was apologetic about not being available when i called and who was worried that i might be edgy about the movie stuff.

I didn't unload or even tell her about the stuff i was mad about. i figured she didn't need to be on the receiving end of a baggage train that belongs to stbx-Mrs_C. I told her that was anxious about which movie i picked, but that was it.

the acetaminophen kicked in soon enough, we had some wine with our meal. it was an entirely hot meal, and she had incorporated one of my ideas into it and liked the result. it was a good meal. she was happy that she could share such a meal with me - that i was someone who liked to eat the same way she did - that she had been so tired of cooking 3 different meals for each mealtime when she was married.

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the movie was a good one - it was History Boys. kind of an English art film - the kind of thing you'd see on HBO or Showcase here in Canada. I was a little uncomfortable with some of the content as related to homosexuality, but that was a minor quibble.

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i built up quite a head of steam. unnecessary steam.

i got mad and resentful at a lady who didn't really deserve it. sure, maybe she could have been more decisive, but i could have been more forthcoming myself about what i wanted.

past experience informed the things that happened in an entirely negative way.

i need to allow any negatives in our relationship to be contextualised to only our relationship. to make sure i don't fill in the blanks with stbx-Mrs_C or my own failures and shortcomings and upset about them.

the whole episode left me with a bunch of knots and anxiety - that prohibited me from letting go enough to be able to orgasm when we were in bed later.

my jaw is still sore from locking up so bad.

i guess there's still a ways to go