i resolve

i have been considering the various issues occuring in my life and have arived at a resolution of sorts.

1) son: he will do what he will do or not. if he sticks to the plan that the school and i developed, he will pass and move on the his next grade. if he sticks mostly to plan, they will make accomodations for him to finish his work after the school year ends and he will pass and proceed. they do not want any child to fail their grade for bureaucratic reasons as well as nicey nice reasons (a failure results in a bunch of paperwork and a review by school board administration).

if he does fail he will have to drop out of either french immersion or his computer classes. the net result(s): he graduates with an english language highschool diploma not a french language baccaulaureate. if he drops out of the computer courses he has to spend 1 extra year in tech school after high school. or he has to spend an extra semester in high school after his peers would graduate.

a half a year "wasted" is a relatively cheap life cost with regard to this divorce/family breakdown for him. that would mean he would have a certificate in computer animation/multimedia and a job at age 20 instead of 19 (100% hire rate for this particular course - average starting wage rate of about $45,000)

the anxiety of failing to meet expectation will probably be more crippling in the long term. i need to reframe the issues for him.

all of the above being said, i still want him to pass and stay on track.

2) stbx-Mrs_C: she phoned and wanted to meet to discuss son and his schoolwork and "attitude". i intend to refuse the discussion. i have worked out a plan with the school. her only role will be to make sure he goes to sleep before midnight and that she actually gets him up in the morning. everything else is in his control. i have even set up a structure (with the school) so that he can do his work at school (3 days a week) instead of coming home to distractions.

i have put forward my buyout amount for the house. i dropped my asking amount by $10,000. i project costs of roughly $5-10,000 if i force a sale. if this gets her to accept and buy me out immediately, i am money even and hassle reduced.

3) dad: he is getting old. he is diminished in capacity, but not senile or alzheimers. the issue there for me is that one of my pillars - my protector is gone.

both of my protectors are gone, or rather reduced to supporting roles not principal roles. that is just one of those life moments when i realise i am the adult and the protector for others now. i have to rise to my new role in life - with the fear and trepidation it invokes. and live the surety of my own worth, value, and strength to be the person others rely on.

not a carbon copy of my father or my boss. i have never wanted to be either - i do not need to slip into familiar roles because of my fear, but rather to define how i will be who i am in my own way. i cannot replace dad's financial accumen or his detail uptightness - but i can model a different, less rigid way of living to those around me - a model that will have its own value - a model that will reflect the real me and not the me my parents want.

4) daughter: she has a choice of how she wants to live. i hope the months of living with her mother's psychosis have freshened her perspective on the universe.

5) old house, new house: i seek not to recreate or hold on to my past. i seek to create a new beginning. i will provide them with a new home. my home. a new tree fort. a new place of comfort, safety, and refuge. a place of laughter and joy.

i do not need to hang on to what exists. we will all live a new life. there is no reason to stay with the old for security and comfort. stbx-Mrs_C can do that if she wants.

not me.

6) parental expectations: they have their way they wish to live. they have their way they wish me to live. the joy is sapped from my life as soon as i try to meet their expectations. i have realised that the joy is sucked from my life whern i try to live others people's expectations whether that is my parents or stbx-Mrs_C.

i will live my own life.

i will place happiness, not preparing for the potential of a bleak future, at the forefront of my existence. my parents are children of the depression (literally) and war (i suspect they are older than some of your parents). everything for them is about preparing to survive hard times.

i wish to be happy. i will plan contingently for survival, but live for happiness.

7) work: if we survive the next couple of weeks it is clear sailing until at least the fall. i believe we will be ok. i choose to invest less of my soul in my cause. the "team" didn't stand by my boss and let him take the fall. i will do my job, but refuse to give the team my soul anymore.

if things go really badly i will get severance. between that an projected savings and the cash i will stash from the settlement i will have 8-10 months of full salary - over a year of survival level money. that will allow me to take a course that i have one year left to complete that will ensure a job in "the real world".

----

time to go, i have work to do