cutting

my daughter has begun cutting (also here)

it's not unexpected, but it's still a big deal. and it is taking a lot of brain cycles to deal with.

i need to be doing my assignments and thinking about this is distracting me. i need to be learning a whole weeks work in advance so that i can go on vacation next week. and do an assignment in 4 days instead of 11 days. all while learning the other material - because i have an exam on the day after i get back (18th) - and the assignment is due on that monday as well.

and i have to finish an assignment right now - that is due tomorrow. that life issues have distracted me from. that i do not have the focus to work on. programming takes such effort and discipline to keep your head in the logic of all those instructions...

and being distracted

distracts me

and yes - i'm selfish about it - and i don't fucking care. this is the rest of my life we're talking about here. and my children and my stbx are a fucking black hole that will suck my soul from me without even thinking or even trying.

the class i am doing is the gateway class for all the others and how i do here will indicate how kindly the faculty will be to give me all the waivers i need to get into classes without pre-requisites and simultaneously, blah, blah, blah

and i don't need the distraction

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i am dealing with the cutting issue in an appropriate manner

more on that later

daughter told me she had tried it once a long time ago, but she did it again several times recently - my son told me about it

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my son cannot wake up

when he is awake he is groggy and listless. and its not just all the dope he smokes... his sleeping patterns are fucked

it took me over 2 hours of harassment to get him out of bed yesterday. 2 hours i could have spent on my assignment

he is depressed beyond description

at least he recognises it

that is something i will have to turn my attention to later

i am worried his lethargy will fuck up our vacation - we are going with smitten and her kids

i expect i will have time to deal with his issues in more detail while on vacation and the couple of weeks at the end of the month...

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my stbx, by fucking up my children, is reaching out and stymieing me yet again. she has this way of being able to stop me from doing things by a combination of distraction, diversion, hissy fits, demands, and picky little shit that would stop me dead in my tracks all the time we were married - and now she's doing it again and doesn't even know it

she is a black hole of chaos that pulls everything in its path into the swirl

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without going into all the details about the cutting at this point - which i will in a later post - daughter and son and i talked (well, son sort of slumped on the couch and through in occasional interjections and daughter and i talked about feelings and anxiety and and hurt and such).

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the stbx knows about the cutting but didn't mention it to me. i have no intention of discussing it with her because she will use it as a way to suck me into her chaos - she has nothing to offer - she won't change and she is the cause. i see no point in wasting my time having any contact with her

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i had a pretty good idea of why daughter did it

and i laid out my idea

that she did it to hurt her mother - that by hurting herself she would hurt her mother.

sort of a passive-aggressive thing

i felt/deduced this because i found out that at the time her mother found out daughter could have weaseled out of the discussion but chose to have a "confessional" moment with her mother.

the stbx was asking what daughter and son were referring to in a discussion/argument. and son said that daughter could have just blown off their mother's questions, but chose to answer

daughter was trying to tell me she was embarrassed and didn't want to talk about it.

son argued and talked about how she had divulged the information

son didn't realise the significance of that event

in my view daughter wanted the stbx to know

i suggested she was lashing out, but because she is essentially powerless as a 12 year old she hurt herself instead of her target

daughter talked - said a bunch of stuff

again - will discuss later

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i'm posting this much now in an effort to clear some of it out of my head so i can get to work on that assigment

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it took some pressure and bullying on my part to get her to tell me what she used to cut herself. that is the only point where i pressured her.

an exacto knife from the garage...

i told her that i wasn't going to tell her to stop cutting. that she would make up her own mind. that she was in charge of her own body.

i told her that if she was going to cut herself that i wanted her to sterilise the blade so she didn't get tetanus or hepititus - i went into one of my usual dad lectures in too much detail on the nature of blood borne diseases (explanations with too much detail are a hallmark of my existence)

i didn't want to get into a shoving match on whether she should cut or not - not make it a point of resistance

----

my time in politics has taught me how to get around issues like this. get around moments when part of the point is to simply disagree and rebel. get her in a weak point - fear of disease

she's a 12 years old girl - disease is greebly...

----

i was asking her if she wanted to be a person who cuts. did she want to be someone who is so powerless that they have to hurt themselves because they can't stand up for themselves?

i also asked how sexy she thought she'd be with cuts on her arms. and what kind of person would be attracted to her - and used some fucked up teenagers we know from the kids circle as examples

asked if they were the shining examples of human beings she wanted to live with and be around. did she find their cut marks sexy, alluring, or dangerously attractive - or did she disrespect them. even if it did have a level of "toughness" - was it really "tough" to injure yourself. wouldn't it be "tougher" to stand up to the person who was abusing you? wouldn't that be real "toughness"?

again - told her i wasn't telling her to stop

i only wanted her to - demanded that she - have a fully formed rationale as to why she was doing it

even if only for the short endorphin high that cutters get - at least she should know what she was addicted to. and that she should choose it - not just fall into it.

that it was the same reason that i demanded she give me the details about her cutting - that if she was going to do it she had to be able to explain it. why - the motivation the results and the future

just like her brother's pot smoking

that if they were going to indulge in self-destructive or damaging behaviours that they had to be fully real about it

that i would not bitch at them - express concerns and provide guidance - and intervene if they stepped over an edge - but if they were going to do something destructive - they'd better be prepared to explain it and answer ALL the questions. that i would be a miserable dick until they gave me the truth about their actions and motivations.

that if they couldn't tell me to my face why they were doing something - to explain it - that they had better think twice about what they were doing

(for the record, son has an amazing grasp on neuro-chemistry right now - he knows a lot of shit... good research capability in that boy...)

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i know how much bitching and moaning and freaking worked with me - how it has worked with my children

this may sound like bad parenting - because i am not shit-fitting on them

but i am fully engaged with them - i am in the shark tank swimming with them. there is no hands off bullshit here people.

i ignored the shit my parents threw at me - hid my activities. my parents were willfully blind in my opinion. i expect my children would do the same.

i am strong enough to actually deal with it. i would rather be in the middle than pat myself on the back as having taken a "tough stand" and the ignore all the signs.

i lived an analogue of what they are going through and are doing

no divorce, no mother who was psycho to the stbx's extent - but some pretty heavy shit (as i know most people have - i know it's called life - and i know that people have to "deal with it" - but i also know there are plenty of fucked up people who dealt with it in unhealthy ways [like my eating, for example])

i cut myself as a teen several times - unlike nowadays i had no idea anyone else ever did such a thing. i once did it pretty hard - an almost suicide attempt. wore a long sleeved shirt for awhile.

i smoked pot and was massively depressed

i slept and slept and stayed out late and avoided life

i can offer guidance and help hold their heads above water

i think of it as being like an alcoholic's anonymous sponsor. i've been there pretty much all the way.

they won't be alone as long as i'm here

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i asked her if she wanted be a victim and play the victim - like her mother

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the difference between how i viewed her cutting and what she said - and it is good self awareness - and surprising honesty - is that she said she did it to hurt her mother directly. rather than cutting herself in proxy for her mother, she did it as an actual act to elicit guilt from her mother. to hit her the way that the stbx hits her all the time.

guilt and blame and the attempt to get the listener to feel as though they are victimising the stbx

she lays this shit on the kids all the time

daughter said she wanted to make her mother feel like stbx makes daughter feel. to get a taste of it. that's why she did it and told her mother that it was the stbx's fault (daughter di not tell stbx that she did it to hurt her - stbx would then be able to play victim again).

while the situation is dangerous at least we have a point of discussion

----

the above about guilt tripping her mom came out in the larger discussion

i told her i wouldn't ask her to stop or tell her to stop

i only wanted to know why she cut

what she got out of it

what feelings she felt

she tried to tell me that she just felt better after she did it

that is almost word for word from articles we read together a few weeks ago when she asked me about cutting - some of her friends cut - some of the girls son hangs with cut - it seems to be about as prevalent as bulimia was when i was in high school...

she couldn't describe any more than that

i think she tried it on for size - experimenting

to see if it would make her feel better

saw the scratches she left and realised she could make a deal out of it

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here's a couple of unbelievable things - stbx freaks and spazzes on the kids - and the kids complain - and the stbx says "i'm only venting. you shouldn't take it to heart because i'm only venting"

fucking bitch

fuck

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and the kids say "how can we do that?"

and the kids say "and then if we ignore her, or her ranting, she says we don't care enough to pay attention to her - that we're selfish and unconcerned with her feelings"

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daughter says that part of the reason she doesn't want to get mad and rage is because she doesn't want to be like her mom

(part of the reason i didn't want to fight with stbx is because i didn't want to fight like my mom and dad... and the cycle goes on...)

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stbx has told the kids to get out several more times

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daughter told me her mother has hit her a lot of times - at least 20 times is what she said

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i told daughter that we have 3 weeks together

that we were going to do some exercises together. that she would practice asking for what she wants, and practice saying no - and establishing boundaries

that she would say no, or profess her viewpoint more strongly than she normally would, just to get used to challenging others

and that she would then feel less apprehensive about stating her case in other situations

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we'll see

i have an assignment to try to get back to now

11.3 lbs (218.8)

i am a machine man

BTW - i have discovered that i am not doing 8 miles a day. i am doing about 7.13 miles.

i used to do 8 miles with each 900 calorie workout. now, because my burn per minute is up, my mileage is down.

i discovered that when i was watching my stats more closely after that 9.7 mile day

either way

i am a machine man

a machine man

Two interesting articles related to a recent study on weight loss. I very much recommend reading them - they are not long articles:

55 minutes of daily activity the ticket to weight loss: study

Weight loss: Men have the edge

"Do men really lose more weight and lose it faster than women?

The answer is yes, guys do have an easier time shedding pounds (I'm sorry, ladies). Men, it seems, have both a physiological and psychological edge when it comes to losing weight." - Globe and Mail

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The commentary in the articles and in the study itself about the psychological differences in approach were really quite interesting.

Without suggesting her state of mind is in any way a blanket or even widespread representation of how women think - Smitten and I have discussed any number of times how she would not be able to do my regimen for more than a couple of days.

She says she would get bored.

That the idea of getting on a machine (AMT, elliptical, treadmill) and just doing a repetitive action for an hour and a half or two hours straight would de-motivate her almost immediately. She says that she needs more stimulation and change.

We have discussed the psychological differences in our makeup and background when it comes to such things.

She says that if something doesn't make her happy she just doesn't do it.

Me, i have had "eye on the ball"/goal orientation drilled into me for my whole life and anything that i determine that i really want i generally don't let go of until achieved or i get knocked off by an insurmountable external effect.

blah, blah, blah

loss of focus and point in this post

and i have an assignment to finish...

see you

(read the articles - they really are interesting)

oooooh yaaah! 7.3 lbs

who's kidding who?

i'm the AWESOMO 5000seX

baaay bay

hah

2 hours on the AMT
9.7 miles
40 minutes of weight training

222.8 lbs
(3 years ago the pain of walking 200 feet was almost too much to bear. my body was wracked by convulsions and spasms. and i weighed over 260lbs)

i am the AWESOMO 5000

after a shaky start on my quizzes i am in the groove

a 68% and a 53% on my qizzes left me pretty anxious. i suck at exams. the time limit kills me.

i have the groove on this prof's marking structure now and have come back with an 80% on my mid-term. 10 more minutes would have netted me over 90%.

rejiggering my time allocations on the second quiz would have put me at an 80% too...

my only assignment back so far received a 90.9%. i expect that mark or better on the second assignment.

this is working for me

i still feel like it takes me too long to program, but that is the discipline (and remembered pain) of having to put production software out for public use - not just assignments

by being the brutal keener that i am in this class (i'm really quite honestly excited by it) i'm hoping to get the whole 5% subjective marking room the prof leaves herself in addition to my regular marks

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i'm still trying to find how to get around some of the bullshit i now have to go through to deal with the math upgrade

[complain]
why can't i just work hoard? why does there have to be the crap and the hurdles? why can't the path be clear and i just do it by putting in the time and the effort?

it is this shitty little stuff that saps my spirit

it's bad enough that i have to do my high school math over again - but there has to be a bunch of bullshit in regard to scheduling and getting into it? doesn't seem fair.

why can't i just do the work
[/complain]

hrrumph!

well, now that that's off my chest...

i've decided that unless there is some additional obscure fucking rule that will stop me, i'm going to take the math courses by correspondence (actually - technology assisted learning [internet]). that way they won't interfere with my university classes.

so i went down to the department of education to sign up (the province runs a province-wide correspondence school directly from the department) and all the people who actually know what's going on were on vacation. the only person on the entire floor was a summer student - who was asian (i think chinese) and couldn't speak very good english. he wants me to wait until the 18th of august to figure this shit out (when the people are back).

fuck!

did i mention that the reason i went down in person was because when i phoned i got an unintelligible chinese person on the phone? surprise!!! guess who it was? the only person in the office...

it was almost impossible to understand him - especially when he was unsure of what he was talking about... but i persevered (just for the record, i am not one of those "speak english in MY country" assholes - i have volunteered and worked with many immigrant groups and have taught english as a second language [and literacy] as a volunteer). the language barrier just made it difficult. after we talked a bit and i was able to explain things more, he understood my needs. it turns out he is their summer computer science student... he gave me tips on classes and profs to avoid - that was kind of funny. and both his english improved, and i started to pick up the nuances of his accent.

but...

i'm still having to confirm that my plan will be acceptable to the department of mathematics to get into calculus - it should be - but i don't want to make assumptions

blah, blah, blah

the chinese guy said he would do his best to find out the answer to the questions i am asking as soon as possible. naively, i believe him...

i have to go up to the department and abase myself there to make sure i'm good to go as well

we'll see

fakin' it

i figured out why i am so intense on succeeding in my class

and why i was so upset by the realisation that i was fucked on my math exam

i want to be real

i want status (not in the climber sense)

i want an objective identifier of competence

i want to be a real computer guy

i want to be a real anything

i was (am) afraid that the computer guys will figure out just how bad i'm faking it

'cause they are trained programmers

i'm a self-taught guy

they know how to do stuff and use language i don't

i don't want to be a drop out anymore. i want to succeed. i want to have an objective measure to hang my hat on.

politics is all about faking it. every single fucking day

you're always afraid someone will suddenly pull the curtain back and reveal you working the machine that creates the wizard... yes - i have some real skills - but they are unquantifiable and always able to be questioned.

i don't want to have my brother's comment of some 20 - 23 years ago - "you're a parasite" - to be echoing in my head. i don't want my wife's fear to stay with me - the fear that if i blow the gig i'm in (fakin' it to be in) that i will be unemployed again.

i want to know that no matter what i do, i have a skill - a skill that is in demand - a skill that is a "hard skill" - a trade, if you will. i don't want to be judged on subjective measures - like i was judged on speech quality, and communications campaigns, and layout and colour. i want to be judged by the fact that i produce running code

as the Internet Engineering Task Force (IETF) says: One of the "founding beliefs" is embodied in an early quote about the IETF from David Clark: "We reject kings, presidents and voting. We believe in rough consensus and running code". (click here for the full discussion of "The Tao of IETF")

i am good at programming. i'm careful, methodical, and risk averse (excellent traits in a programmer). my lab instructor says that if he had any room in his marking parameters to give me extra marks he would.

i want to be able to hang my hat on my achievement. i want the identity. i want to be able to say - with no one being able to question it - "i know how to do this. i am a programmer."

the math test - and my expectation of failure - rubbed my nose in my past failures. it also puts me several months off in my timeline and plan - which i now have to re-jigger.

it also means i have to undergo the humiliation of the test - and the humiliation of being assessed - assessed a failure by another human being. i would rather just admit defeat up front than to actually fail or face the burning in my ears as the teacher (who will probably be kind) tells me about my options and the fact that at 42 years of age i'm going back for grade 10 algebra...

but

i'll suck it up

i will get through this

i will succeed at grade ten algebra - and grade 11 - and grade 12 - and then the real goal: calculus - to get my certificate

i've decided its going to be fun. and/or ritual self-flagellation as i go back and re-do my mistakes

i have told my son: there is no mistake you can make [with his classes] that we can't go back and fix somehow

now it's time for me to believe it about myself

i assume it's either God's punishment for all the time i spent stoned in grades 11 and 12, or it's God making sure my son actually passes his grade 12 math (because i would be re-doing the same course as he will be taking [and doing the same homework] [except he''l be doing it in french (my kids are in french immersion) and me in english]).

or it might be both punishment and renewal for me - and for my kid's benefit

i suppose it's about redemtion

and my God is a redeeming God

me and math

so i started going through all my algebra review stuff.

i remember almost none of it.

i remember the logical structure, but almost none of the methods.

factoring polynomial equations? eeek!!!!!!!

a radical? someone who wears a a Che Guevara t-shirt? something that causes cancer...?

fuck

my son started to help me, but he was not in math mode, and had to translate all his notes to english from french (the language he took math in).

i was pretty freaked out.

i have to take a competency exam on monday. it will determine if i have to retake all three years of high school math (3 classes) or just 2.

i am sanguine

even if i have to take all 3 it doesn't matter. it just means my calculus class will have to wait a little longer. and that i will have to wait until fall 2009 to finish my certificate instead of spring 2009.

it will make no difference to getting a job - i could get one now. then i will have a certificate less a calculus class. it won't faze a hiring officer.

it occurred to me that it is potentially God's will that this should happen. son hasn't been doing all his assignments/homework in math and has failed a couple of the classes. he will be redoing them this year. about the time i will be doing essentially the same classes.

perhaps it is God/the fates conspiring to get son to actually do his homework if he and i have to work on it together.

or something

we'll see.

6.7 lbs and work, work, work

yeah

lost 6.7 lbs since July 4th

eating pretty well

still get to drink on weekends

missed exercising yesterday

assignment due today - already handed in a 8 am

started it (reasonably) well in advance. took more time than i thought it would (also spent too much time helping other students...)

i'm a little too thorough compared to the rest of the younger folks in this class. i'm programming for the real world (work world... where i came from) including error correction and such... they are programming to meet the minimum requirements for the course/assignments. their code is brutally sloppy.

the prof likes me, as does the lab instructor - more importantly they respect me.

outside of its intrinsic value, i'm hoping that will be worth a few extra marks (5%?) on the overall course - because i "get it". and have a really good and enthused attitude about the material and their classes.

as always, i don't do as well on exams as assignments. i am too detailed and thorough and don't have enough time to complete... even 20 years ago, in my last iteration of university, when i started asking for extra time to do exams i saw my marks go up 20-30%.

but no extra time here... just got to learn to time budget better.

getting almost 100% on assignments - little pissy (not the good pissy who hangs with us...;-) errors have knocked me back a few marks

things like losing one mark because while i remembered to increment a rounded up 11.5 inches to 1 foot and then forgot to check if my results moved from 2 to 3 feet... so my answer went from 97 yds, 2 ft, 11.5 in to 97 yds, 3 ft, 0 in

shit

anyway

the class is keeping me really busy

i have a midterm on monday (pressure)

i'm feeling a lot of pressure about the class - pressure from myself. i REALLY want to do well. i don't know why i feel such pressure. Smitten says that it is because 1) i didn't do so well the last times i went to university and i want to prove that i can succeed to myself and to others; 2) this first class is the gateway into ALL my other classes and will determine how receptive they are to letting me take some classes simultaneously that should be done successively; 3) the fact that i have built much of my plans for the future on this schooling; 4) the whole launch myself into midair without remaining totally safe and protected is quite a flier for me; 5) the simple desire to do the best i can

but, back to work

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BTW - i was yacking with my prof, and she told me that my original prejudices about computer science are still accurate. she is one of only three women instructors in the whole department - there are no tenured female staff in CS.

my class is only about 1/3 women, not 1/2 as stated before. on the first couple of days a bunch of the guys didn't show up

the only reason there are this many women is because they are all in 1st year engineering (and this first year summer class exists to service the engineering faculty's scheduling needs - it is an engineering compulsory course as well as a CS compulsory course.

apparently engineering has a good recruitment structure for attracting women, but a lousy retention structure... apparently the number of women drops dramatically after first year in engineering

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i'm having some shitty scheduling issues for the fall and winter. i have to take some remedial math because my high school math marks (26 and 27 fucking years ago) aren't up to the minimum required levels for getting into university calculus

in fact my math didn't meet faculty of science minimums, but i got waivers from the associate dean (whom i taught how to do a bunch of internet stuff about 15 years ago...) and others. the registrars office (or at least one officious bastard in it) got pretty stinky about the requirements and tried to keep me out of the faculty of science and kicked up a fair bit of a fuss.

you see i need to be in the faculty of science to register in all the classes i want to take.

thankfully many of the older faculty came to my rescue. many knew me and with worked with me in several different incarnations. so they told this officious little bastard to get stuffed.

the ironic twist is that part of the registration structure he was using to try to keep me out was actually designed to help students stay in the university by forcing them to have the appropriate pre-requisites and then pushing them into adult education upgrades. since the structure was implemented there have been higher success rates for students in their succeeding classes. grade point averages are up since the plan was implemented

the irony?

i was the driving person behind setting up the forced streaming when i was a student leader about 23 years ago. i have a real problem with the number of people who are forced to drop out of university because they fail a couple of key classes - by forcing higher levels of initial competency, and providing the means to get that competency (on-campus high school upgrade classes) you get better outcomes and less wasted time, resources (and money), and lives.

---- historical interlude ----

at the time the university was looking at changing some of its mandates and policies and was considering being more exclusive - it was trend as part of the neo-conservative movement in the 1980s. this university has been a pioneer in allowing people to come here as adults and without all the minimums - you get to come in with lower marks the older you are (assuming that age brings a little more wisdom and dedication). when the changes that would have drastically reduced the University Entrance Program in favour of higher entrance requirements, i argued that we should do just the opposite. that we should separate ourselves as a university from the snobby institutions by being more accessible - not less.

even the university's motto "As One Who Serves" was officially made english instead of latin to make it more accessible. it pioneered co-op education (cycling work terms) decades ago to allow students field experience as part of their university education (set up with professional supervisors like an apprenticeship) - which was looked down upon as something you would do in "the trades" at the time (it started in engineering - the closest to a trade in a university, i suppose)

it also pioneered special adult education programs for people already in the workforce - setting up schedules that didn't just cater to the traditional 4 year full-time young adult model.

that's why i fought so hard for more additional on-campus daycare. by the early '80s almost half the students on campus were female (an anomaly for the era), but about 73% of them were part-time (because they were working and raising a family). i argued hard for changing class scheduling and structures to fit that very real need. i argued that an analysis by credit hours taken was less valid than an analysis per student.

now there are more women than men on campus, even if the credit hours are less disparate

blah, blah, blah

battles of the past

inclusion, accessibility, equity, fairness, decency

responsibility

enabling

hand up, not a hand out

blah, blah, blah

prairie socialism...

----

i am still doing the upgrades - so i am not a hypocrite - but am doing them after admission instead of before. the classes are not pre-requisites for any of the classes i want to take now...

anyway, little mister registrar clerk got overruled and i am in the faculty

now i just have to figure out how to get past some of my scheduling conflicts. one of my key classes conflicts with the initial math upgrade class lab...

well, it's no worse than trying to get anything done in politics, i suppose...

been a long time

not much writing muse at this exact moment

just an update

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was going to post one the other night that would have said:

----

alive

i feel

so

alive

----

except my computer died...

or horked a really nasty loogie (sp?) anyway

i am exercising every day and while i am doing it i am as alive as i've ever been (love those endorphin highs). when i'm not i'm pretty good or kind of exhausted from running 8 fucking miles a day

but i am down 3 lbs

only 17 to go...

----

class is good

more later

lousy first quiz - 30 questions - a couple of fuckups i shoulnd't have made, but exams rattle me

i'm better on delivery

i expect pretty close to - if not - 100% on my first assignment

----

cleaned my son's betta fish vase today

that was exciting

changed half the water so it didn't die from shock at being taken out of its pollutant filled previous environment

----

more later

got to go run 8 miles and then go eat a fucking twig and a lettuce leaf

(to make up for all the martinis and red wine i've been swilling - otherwise on diet pretty hardcore, though)

----

BTW: still reading you all (pretty much daily - check your counter logs), even if not commenting much

July 4th - Independence Day (pt 2)

i left to exercise at about 6:30pm. on the way - well, not exactly on the way - but while i was in my vehicle i wandered around to take an outside tour of some houses i will be looking at on saturday.

i arrived at the health club by about 7:15pm and did my 2 hours - something over 1400 calories later - something over 8 miles later - something over 100 50lb ab crunches - and more - later, i left. no creaks, no groans - a few sore abs, but nothing else

----

it was a perfect hot humid night

i had planned on going home

normally this would be my first night with the kids, but they left for calgary with their mother today. i was on my own.

it was a perfect hot humid night

it was 9:18 - the sun wasn't all the way down

i called Smitten and asked her if she wanted to go sit on a deck somewhere - i said i could be ready in 12 minutes (her daughter is out at the lake with her father, and Smitten's son is 13 and likes to be on his own).

Smitten - to my surprise - agreed.

to my surprise i actually managed to get home, shower and change in 12 minutes

7 minutes or so later i was at her house and we were on our way.

we went to a somewhat expensive, but very fun wine bar in the artsy section of town - they have a great front patio/sidewalk cafe(ish) outdoor area.

we drank wine and sangria.

we talked

----

no-one spazzed on me when i went to exercise

no-one spazzed on me when i wanted to go drink wine and sit outside

no-one told me what to order, or said it would cost too much

----

we sat until about 11:30pm - roughly the time that i had left 2 years previous - not intentionally - in fact we laughed when we got in my van and it was 11:27pm - the exact minute i had been pulling out of my driveway 2 years previous

we had toasted independence

"When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for people to dissolve the bands which have connected them with another..."

we toasted the future

when i dropped her off at her house she said "I'll bet that two years ago you never thought that two years in the future you would be dropping your girlfriend off at home after an evening out like this..."

i said "Yes, as a matter of fact I did imagine that in two years I would be dropping off my hot blonde girlfriend after an evening of drinking wine on an outdoor patio on a perfect summer evening... yes... yes I did."

----

i came home

as i hadn't eaten much earlier (7 shrimp) before i left to exercise, i ate a midnight dinner of leftover cold steamed asparagus, raw broccoli, spinach salad with tomato slices, fresh pineapple chunks, and cold gazpacho soup

i enjoyed each piece of healthy food i ate

----

it is still a perfect evening

i have my balcony door open (screen on) and the breeze is coming through

i just enjoyed a small glass of single malt scotch - the first drink i have had with no-one else present in probably 18 or 19 years

it was good

i don't want any more

but it was quite a moment that i have had one - having felt so strongly about the subject of drinking alone for so long

and i don't feel guilty, or that i've done something wrong, or that i am even taking anything back, or giving a "back at ya"

i just enjoyed a glass of scotch because i wanted one

after enjoying an evening out with my girlfriend

my choice

my decision

independently made

July 4th - Independence Day

"When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

----

July 4th, 2006:

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for people to dissolve the bands which have connected them with another...

Cadbury Has Left The Building - Part 1

Cadbury Has Left The Building - Part 2

----

"That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security..."

----

today i re-read those three months - May, June, July - in my blog and in my journal.

i look at the ideals i espoused - the goals i projected - the desires in my heart

and i look at my life today - and the leap toward the other side that i am engaged in

----

in her behaviour, has anything changed?

----

"...Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Brittish brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends."

----

it's been quite the journey

thank-you for being my friends

first class

yep

times have changed a bit

it's a computer science class

in my day, a bastion of sallow/vampire complexion, black dress socks with sandals, jargon speaking, action figure owning geeks

and today - in my first class (only class right now)

my prof is a black woman from somewhere in the Caribbean (or her parents are) judging from her accent. she's in her mid-30s.

about half the class is women (and most of them good looking, make-up wearing, and well dressed [just to confound another stereotype from my earlier era]). most of them are studying engineering...

times have changed in 20 years

good

i'm looking forward to telling my daughter about my first day

why don't you just move in with your father, then?

that is what the stbx said to daughter

the argument? daughter said that when she (daughter) was rich (ah, the delusions of youth) from being a fashion designer she would give her mother and i money to go traveling. and her mother went apeshit.

daughter tells me it was quite a broo-hah-hah

the argument apparently ended when daughter told stbx that stbx was "immature" and "ought to grow up" - as daughter put it: "i schooled her hard"

stbx has been tossing the go live with your father shit more recently

stbx has been taking a course - to become a safety inspector.

when i asked daughter if her mother would be then moving into that as a full-time position at her workplace, daughter told me that stbx doesn't expect to be working at her job much longer - that stbx expects to be moving to a neighbouring province and working in the oilfields.

Smitten and i have seen/discussed this one coming for awhile. we believe that stbx is pushing the kids away so she can move away. stbx has wanted to move there since before we were married. it has always been her promised land.

i hope it happens sooner than later

dad, i need to tell you something

daughter tells me she wants to go out with me without her brother he's still sleeping (it's noon). they are at their mother house this week.

daughter tells me (among other things) that son told her that all he feels now is anger. he has no other emotions but anger. no happy. no sad. no joy.

just anger.

that he just plays computer games all day so that he won't snap on anyone...

i phoned to get him up awhile later. i told him that he should come stay with me for 3 weeks during the summer so that he can get a very serious wind down period.

and they are leaving for 3 weeks vacation starting this friday...

----

on a lighter note, i may be eligible for an annulment by the catholic church on the grounds that she did not disclose her mental illness to me prior to entering into vows

----

gotta run

have a hot tub birthday party to go to - hopefully nobody's fingers hit my asshole but Smitten's this year (if this reference confuses you, read here and here)

lost

feeling a little lost

i am waiting for wednesday - my first day of classes (one class over the summer). perhaps that will ground me.

i feel like a kite being carried aloft with no string to ground it

this is perhaps the biggest flier i've ever taken

there's no landing spot

while i have made sure i am covered several ways for income

i am still feeling lost

i am not attached to any other unit than myself

there's just me here

i have my mom and dad

but i don't hang with them.

i have Smitten

but i cannot and will not hang everything on her

my kids are my kids - i will not rely on them for my place in the universe

i need to create the form of this new life

on my terms

ixnay on the ousehay

someone bid $15,000 higher than us

i'm not prepared to go there

there will be another one

the market is less stupid than it was

i will buy on my terms, for my benefit - not someone else's

oh, well...

time investment, emotional investment

i am spending a bunch of time working on a deal to possibly buy a house through my parents.

we have found one that meets my needs, and is in a pretty good price range for our newly canadian average home price fucking marketplace...

(house prices have more than doubled in the last 3 years - we were chronicly underpriced against canadian average and even where we should be

well - not any more

the house is in a half-assed Ok area of town. it is an area that is next to be on the upswing because it is half-assed OK and half-assed affordabel - therefore young families are buying in the area. various slum landlords and non-profit agencies are cashing in their housing stock in the price boom, so the rental properties (and the less than desireable tenants that went twith those properties) are now becoming owner properties

so we found one. it is in shit shape. it used to be owned by a, um, non-profit dedicated to the housing needs of a visible minority underprivileged ethnic group. structurally sound but the interior is trashed. holes in walls, filth, no interior upgrades in decades - a hole in the bathroom floor from leaking water that is so old it has eaten through the lino and 2 and a bit layers of 1 inch plywood... i may be a lefty and a bleeding heart, but this house (among many) was owned and operated by the leadership of this minority ethnic group - it was in as bad a condition as mnay slumlord properties i have seen. i am appalled at both the maintenance and the destructiveness of the occupants... (not that much because i've been around the block helping "these kind of folks" before - but it still rattles my sensibilities)

the house needs a full gut. 2-3 months of almost full-time work - this is no cakewalk - it will be hard work and shitty work. every piece of drywall in the entire house has to come out. son and daughter will help me. son's friend T took a basic homebuilding course and is available as well. my parents long-time contractor/handyman guy (whom i first met when i was maybe 9 years old) is semi-retired and willing to take a project that involves someone else doing the really hard labour and him being able to supervise and do as much buying and building as he wants - with others to take up the slack. a good arrangement and one that is perfect for my needs - this guy has been working on renovating houses like this for longer than i've been alive - he knows his shit - it will decrease my anxiety a lot. i am capable, but less than fully experienced at all of this.

but the house does make the grade

even after the cost of renovations (because of all of my [and kids'] sweat equity) it will be about the net proceeds of my eventual settlement. that means i will be either payment free or almost payment free.

a good thing

it is a little small - but more than enough for 1 person and 2 part-timers (or even son as a full-time, if that comes to pass).

i am spending my time, emotion and inspiration trying to make it happen - and have not been blogging much.

i do not actually expect the deal to happen - it is just "too good to be true" that this could work. Smitten says that now that i am with her i need to get used to things "just working out" - some "laws of attraction" thing.

if it does work out it will be a run of positivity that will be unprecedented in my life

here's hoping

here's not expecting

but hoping

talking to mom

as discussed in all men are evil... women are good and gentle and kind... which can be found just below, i hadn't ever gone to talk to my mom about the "answering for all men" and their crimes against women thing [later edit] that i have created for myself.[/edit]

[later edit]I had no idea of how to approach the discussion, so [/edit] I went to ask her if I am not "as useless as [my] father". I asked her if I was a male chauvinist. If i had "made the bar". If I was not like all those other men that i had vowed to not be like.

We talked. Maybe for an hour - I didn't get as much time to do the talk as I had wanted, but maybe it was just as well that it was time constrained.

My mother says that she cannot answer whether I made the bar. She doesn't know what I put in front of me [later edit] as the goal or "bar"[/edit].

She can say that she does not believe that I am a male chauvinist. She says that it is self-evident that i am not a man like those other men (and i named the ones i was talking about and the ladies that i listened to). Mom said that those men are for the most part not the men they used to be... mostly because they have been "beaten about the head" by their wives until they wised up.

And so it goes.

I explained much of what I have discussed with you here - not with any of the explicit sexual details, but with some reference to it because it is relevant to the overall discussion.

I discussed feminist theory and some of that - and had mom tell me that she does not call herself a feminist or pro-feminist because she thinks that lots of the angry feminist crowd are full of shit... (remember, this is someone who spent a lifetime surrounded by that crowd [and fighting with them])

We agreed that feminism as a definition of equality of opportunity was acceptable...

You know, like Smitten's definition "A feminist is someone who believes in equality of opportunity between genders socially, economically, and [something else - spiritually i think]."

I pointed out the sign on her fridge for over a decade "I myself have never been able to find out what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat" (Rebecca West)

She grudgingly had to agree that it was reasonable to call her a feminist.

According to mom ...I'm not a male chauvinist, I am an active and involved father, and I am aware enough of the everyday put-downs that women suffer. I have actively assisted female advancement in my life. I have defended women from gender bias and gender based abuse.

She has no issue with me on that front.




So,



i guess i made the bar

email from my sister

me to her:

i would expect the gossipmonger will have advised you already, but this is official word from me

i am no longer at my employer

it was time to leave
[SNIP - the rest of the details that you blog readers already have]

----

her to me:

Yes, actually it was mom who told me, although I had no details and no idea when. Good luck in this - it is a big step, but it will pay off in the long run, and is an important model for your children about being brave enough to do the right thing even when it has costs... All the best, love you. [initials]

At least I think it is.

----

last day at work

this is my last day at work

3 months vacation and banked time from now (mid september) i will be terminated without cause and given a package - the agreement is signed and filed with and through the union

not sure how i feel

i'm sad to leave some of the people

i'm sad to leave politics - who knows if i will ever be back in the day-to-day game. it has been a lifetime

i still believe. that's part of the reason i'm leaving. the crew i work for don't believe. that's why we lost. that's why they are directing fire inward instead of fighting the good fight outside.

even earning less, i was happier in my work running my own business some 10 years ago...

i have left the protective cocoon of my marriage. i have left the protection of my parents - i still have their support, but they are no longer strong enough to protect me - nor do i need them to protect me. i am leaving my workplace and the extended (dysfunctional) family of my party and politics

standing on the edge of tomorrow

this is sort of like the action movie moment when the protagonist (like James Bond are Arnold) jumps out of one plane without a parachute to get to the other plane...

damn

giving up a pretty good paying job to go back to school...

hoping expecting to find a job when i'm out. i know i'm really, really pretty good at what i do... but i have been unemployed and underemployed so often. and told i suck so often that i am still second guessing myself

here's the plan:

get the computer science certificate

get a job - preferably with a bank

when my kids are out of school and on to university/tech school apply for a job at one of the canadian banks that operate in the Caribbean and move there. a friend of mine did it going to the cayman islands - he was a lawyer - so even less useful than a computer guy

more blithering later - the other staff are taking me for lunch

all men are evil... women are good and gentle and kind...

(hugely longwinded rambling warning)

some salient quotes from my post why did you take it? why did you take it again and again?

(re-reading the above linked post will fill in additional background context for this post - it is not necessary to understand the post, though)

"The ladies were always the ones who would get things prepared and make sure the function would happen. The men would stand around talking and being important. Self important. They weren't particularly nice to me. The ladies were. I would hear the ladies complaining about the schnooks they were married to, and how they all went for the glory, while the women did all the work. It was the ladies who trained me in politics. The men provided the intellectual cover and framework, but it was the ladies who actually did the work that got shit done.

I swore I would never be a man like that. I would be the guy who did all the stuff, and who was sensitive to their needs, and helped - participated."

"I was in contact with women who were feminist leaders in Canada and the U.S. I liked them. I liked strong women. I could never stand simpering incompetent girly-girl crap. I still like attractive women, though - I'm not into the frump zone.

I hated it when my parents argued. I swore I would never do that. I would be even tempered and try to be always polite and considerate.

I read Playboy. I read The Erogenous Man. I read article after article about being a sensitive and giving sexual partner. I swore I would be that.

I read all my Mom's women's magazines. I read the articles about how men should really be. About what women really want in a man. I swore I would be that.

I would be the perfect man. Always giving. I am a large white male born to privilege. As I have grown I have developed a deep voice and a commanding and relatively powerful presence. I have guilt about that.

I swore I would never be an instrument of patriarchy. That I would fight to make white patriarchal society more egalitarian."

from Tattoo (part 2)

"By being the anti-asshole I could meet the mark set in women's magazines and books (and in Playboy) for the perfect male. I would be "the man all women desire". Polite, pleasant, considerate, nice - to a fault.

Then women would like me."

from Tattoo (part 1)

"In an interview about her 1981 movie tattoo Maud Adams said "The tattooing in this movie is a metaphor for what happens in a relationship. Except you can see it outside instead of just having the inside of your head tattooed.""

my Mom on why she insisted we learn to cook and perform household duties:

"Because there's no way you're going to be as useless as your father"

my grandmother to my Mom, on household activities, when Mom married Dad:

"I've done the best with him I could... He's in your hands now"

----

I was talking to Smitten a week or so back. We were discussing our perspectives on feminism - on the role it played in the ideological underpinnings and the mood of Hillary Clinton's campaign. This was following some discussions I had been having with my kids on the topic of the Democratic primaries [later edit](for what it's worth, we're all Obama fans - including Smitten).[/later edit]

I was discussing how mad I was at the kind of attitude I had been running into with a number of women - including my mother - who viewed Hillary's potential success as an extension of their own life battles. That if Hillary won it would be striking a blow for all the shit they had taken in their lives.

I argued that while that might be the case, people who push for women candidates to gain office solely on the grounds that they are women are committing a logical and ideological fallacy. That a woman like Margaret Thatcher, for example, did more to set back women's rights and advancement by her policies than her advancement as an individual did for women. That policies must count as much as gender when looking at women's advancement (just to underline it - I do not believe Hillary is a Margaret Thatcher - that was just an extreme example of a woman leader with non-women friendly policies). In my political party a decade or two back we elected a woman leader nationally - the line used on the convention floor was "It's time for a woman". She was new - a blank slate that people wrote their own projections onto. No history in elected office prior to her election 2 years prior. She was awful. A complete disaster. We subsequently elected a second woman as leader - one who was competent and rebuilt from the disaster.

"It's time for a woman" doesn't cut it for me - not then - and not now. Gender is not the sole qualifier for anything (I say this as an ardent proponent of equity hiring policies and practices, though).

But all of that is a bit of a tangent to the original point of this post...

As we discussed some of the statements that had been made by Clinton supporters Smitten showed me a paper she had written on the topic of feminism in one of her social psychology classes. She talked about the methodology she used to do the interviews. She talked to her friends - she talked to her friends about their attitudes and whether they were feminists - her definition was something to the effect of: A feminist is someone who believes in equality of opportunity between genders socially, economically, and [something else - spiritually i think].

(her paper and words were more sophisticated than the above - but this is from memory)

She did a lot of gender role analysis.

She found that neither her, nor her friends and family were quite as liberated as they thought. Even (especially) some of the women who said they were post-feminist - that society had progressed to the point that feminism/women's rights wasn't needed anymore.

Smitten had two agendas - one was to complete her paper, and the other was to subtly propagandise her friends and family into rethinking their gender roles and ideas.

In our discussion one element of her approach stood out. That she was primarily talking about women. About women's actions and self concepts.

I pointed out that it was a pattern for her. That she was tougher on women than on men. I used a couple of examples between her son and daughter. I suggested that part of it was because the men in her life had been pretty useless clods - father (abandoned her), mother's various useless/alcoholic boyfriends, various useless boyfriends Smitten had, and her ex-husband (her husband was less useless from a functional standpoint - just emotionally absent). She said that men were so intimately absent from her life and her knowledge that she wouldn't know where to begin to give men advice about being men... That she knows what women are capable of - but that men are really a mystery.

Still

Her analysis

No man bashing

This was completely new to me.

Most of the feminist analysis I have encountered to date has been man bashing. Some of it has been bashing man bashers.

I have encountered essentially none that focused on women and their self-concept and self-identity.

It was a new thing for me. Feminism that didn't require guilt on my part.

I don't know how to underline that strongly enough. Analysis that was not based in the "male as oppressor/aggressor", "all men are potential rapists" school of thought.

I thought about where my head had arrived at that spot - I talked about trying - ever since I was a little kid - to be the kind of male my mom wanted my Dad to be - drank in all those criticisms. The kind of man that my Baba and Grandma wanted to see (strong women - strong feminists [for their time] - as a young woman grandma was an active suffragette for a couple of years until women got the vote) The kind of man that all those ladies I worked with as a child - listened to their conversations - the kind of man they wanted to have around. To not have the characteristics that those men had - especially the anger and aggression - especially the bullying and the put downs - the constant put downs. Their criticisms of men mirrored my own experience as a child with boys and men (teachers) at school - what a bunch of miserable assholes - mostly mean - constant bullying and denigrating (except for two male teachers in grade school). Even our priest (Catholic School) was a miserable alcoholic bastard.

My Dad was nicer - but still bullied and intimidated to get his way. He was progressive for his day, but still did many subtle and not-so subtle put-downs... Yeah - I dare say that I can catch the subtle innuendo of sexism as fast as any woman can - I learned to identify it early - hanging onto the fingers of the ladies - standing with the top of my head barely above the counter in those community hall kitchens - and as I grew - adolescence - teen years - young adult - still helping in the kitchens - and setting up the halls - doing the stuff they had to bag at the men to do - the men would grumble about the nagging - I was the boy/man who just helped - it was my role - then they didn't have to bag at their husbands.

I'm still trying to be the answer for all those women - maybe if I'm perfect in my gender relations it will give hope to my Mom and any of those ladies that are left alive. Hope that someday things will change. Hope to my wife and all her pain. Hope to my sister. Hope to my daughter.

Hope

I'm all about hope

Dream no little dream

Smitten told me that was an enormous burden to carry - that answering for all men was perhaps a little larger task than one person should undertake.

She asked me if I had ever talked to my Mom about it - about how I felt and what I had tried to achieve - to fix things.

I haven't.

I hadn't really put it together coherently as above in one place before. I hadn't put all the pieces of the guilt and childhood intention together.

I was going to wait until I was off work to go talk to her. Pick a day when my Dad isn't around and go talk. Maybe reconciling my childhood ideas with her feelings will help either put things into perspective or perhaps allow me to achieve success. If I am not "as useless as [my] father" i will have achieved as much success as i need to... maybe.

----

I read a book the other day. Smitten lent it to me. Her brother had read it and thought it was quite powerful. Smitten hasn't read it yet. I thought it was a bunch of feel sorry for yourself, self-indulgent baby-boomer bullshit. It was Iron John: A Book About Men, a book by American Poet Robert Bly published in 1990. This is one of the books that you will hear comedians or movies make references to when they mock the idea of a group of grown men dancing naked around a fire to get in touch with themselves, and "talking sticks"...

(Smitten's brother is a baby boomer and fits the absent father profile the book is preaching to)

Anyway - Bly did have a couple of interesting ideas. His thesis is that men have lost their own culture - that they no longer transmit knowledge from old men to young men in ritual transfer of knowledge of what it means to "be a man".

He believes that men and women are different at a basic level.

Whatever you may think of some of the underpinnings of his ideas, or the hundreds of pages of bumph that he takes to say it (hey - he is a poet after all - and i do have a soft spot for poets - so i suppose he can be forgiven) - there are couple of ideas that hit home for me.

One of them was the notion that some men have tried so hard to reject their maleness, and have tried so hard to become women in an emotional sense, that they lose their identity and become something in between. Bly identifies men and maleness with the metal iron. He says that some men become copper - a conductor. They become a bridge or a channel for the women in their lives - and that these men become a conduit for the emotion from the women in their lives.

Bly on iron and copper - full text of the chapter

"What if we feel too young to inhabit the dangerous space between male and female? What if we don't like the fierce tension between straight and crooked and don't feel up to so many opposites? The child in a messed-up family may feel a ghastly tension between the addicted parent and the clean parent, between the cold of the angry father and the heat of the loving mother, or between the cold of the furious mother and the heat of the sorrowing father.

In such a situation it's relatively easy to give up iron work and take up copper work. A child can easily become a professional bridge. The child can become a conductor made of that good conducting metal, copper.

A man's copper work probably begins early by placing one hand on his father's wrathful chest and the other hand on the earth; or perhaps he places one hand on his mother's anguished heart and the other on the earth, or one hand on an adult's isolated head and the other on the earth.

The boy who becomes a conductor values himself for the complicated current that runs through his body, for his ability to conduct wrath to the ground by a quiet reply, for the self-sacrificing stretching out of his arms to touch each pole. Many of us know this sensation of conduction from early childhood: the mother and father talk to each other through the child. The shame of the alcoholic father, for example, goes through our body heading east, and the anxiety of the dependent mother goes through our body heading west. Fury and contempt pass each other, meeting somewhere in the son's or daughter's chest."

"When a man or woman becomes a conductor, the act of conducting gives us the sense that we are not shamefully narrow and limited, but that we have something for everyone."

"If a man has become copper as a boy, he will likely continue working with that metal when grown up. He may place one hand on the crown of his furious wife's head and the other hand on the earth. He may become a public apologist, conducting to earth-through his own body-centuries of justified female fury."

"The more the man agrees to be copper, the more he becomes neither alive nor dead, but a third thing, an amorphous, demasculinized, half-alive psychic conductor. I believe that a woman sometimes finds herself channeling the rage of dozens of dead women who could not speak their rage while alive. Conducting that rage is dangerous."

still at it

i got a call from my daughter last night at 11:30pm

she was in her room on the cordless - door closed under her covers - so her mother wouldn't hear her talking to me

her mother had been spazzing on the kids for quite some time that night (daughter says stbx has been ranting at them each night this week). talking about how she didn't want any responsibility and she was sick of it and she didn't want to be responsible for anyone or anything anymore. alternating between crying and screaming - from abusive accusations to sobbing begging for forgiveness and expressions of love from the children - none of which they wanted to give as they were the targets of the emotional typhoon

son was still engaged with stbx, but daughter had gone to her room to escape(her word) from it. daughter was close to tears all the way through the conversation. she kept repeating "I just don't know what to do".

I understand. i've been where she is. trapped and not knowing what to do - actually knowing what to do - to leave - but not wanting to

we talked for about half and hour. she left the call when she heard her mother coming upstairs.

she called me back a few minutes later to tell me that her mother had come into her room to ask for a hug (which daughter was terribly affronted by - daughter found intrusive and wrong - given the other behaviours stbx was still displaying) and to "explain" how she was feeling and why she had gone on this rant. daughter begged off as being "too tired" and stbx left. son challenged her for interrupting daughter's sleep and they were at it again.

stbx went out to have more cigarettes - she had been smoking heavily all evening - daughter said that her mother coming in stinking of cigarettes gave her a headache - i suspect it is actually tension related, but that is my opinion - i was just listening to daughter

stbx is always ranting about money (something she did constantly when we were together) even though she still spends freely on take-out and restaurant meals. daughter and son criticise her to her face about the $300 a month she spends on cigarettes (about $10 a pack here). she was ranting about it again last night too, daughter told me.

daughter said that her mother was immature. that she was acting like a five year old. that her mother had no control over herself or her emotions. that it was pathetic that she (daughter) had her shit together more than her mother. daughter that stbx was acting like daughter did in grade 3 - when daughter was in the midst of some girl school/playground social combat with "in-girls" and "in-groups"

daughter kept repeating she didn't know what to do or how to handle it. i tried to reassure her that she would be safe at my place in a couple of days.

in the morning i called son to wake him up.

i call every morning now. i bought him a phone dedicated for his room so that he will always hear the phone. he answered and said he would get up.

i called back to make sure son was still up. daughter answered too. i inquired and they said they'd both made it to bed/sleep around 1am

son called me back awhile later and told me he'd sat down "for five minutes" once he was ready and had fallen asleep - and would now be late for school yet again.

i can only hope that we can just make it through the next weeks until school finishes. i hope son can make it through the attendance hurdles he has to complete his year

i am still on the hunt for a house. perhaps if they really have the option of moving out they will take it. stbx is tearing them apart. she is doing the same thing to them now that she did to me and i know their pain

they are only children

i am talking to my lawyer again

i don't know how i can intervene. i was going to call back to interrupt the fight between son and stbx, but daughter was terrified that her mother would figure out that daughter had called me and that she would pay for it and never be allowed to get to sleep

again, from Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder

"Some adults who enter into relationships with borderlines feel brainwashed by the BP's accusations and criticisms. Says Benham: "the techniques are simple: isolate the victim, expose them to consistent messages, mix with sleep deprivation, add some form of abuse, get the person to doubt what they know and feel, keep them on their toes, wear them down, and stir well."

signed and delivered

Agreement on settlement signed with office. Effective mid September I will no longer be employed. On holidays until then.

Registration for university accepted and registered in first class July/August - 6 week class

Looked at houses - some look good. Need to find out whether parents will move on putting a bid on my favoured choice (favoured at this time).

class and house

registered for classes today. got re-registered at the university, then applied for my class for the summer - July/August. confirmation tomorrow or thursday.

went to look at some houses over the last few days. some affordable ones came open. not in the area i wanted - i wanted to be within walking distance of Smitten - this is a little outside of easy walk.

the area is on the edge of a not as swell area - but it is on the upswing. it is the area that will be next to get fully redeveloped.

my parents are offering to buy the house and i will rent from them and then buy it when the settlement comes. the settlement is still in its magic place between lawyers and court filings.

hopefully soon, says my lawyer.

the kids are pretty hopeful about me getting a house. son will probably be living with me full time by the end of summer. things are that bad with his mother. we'll see on daughter - it might happen with her too.

son is getting some relaxation training from his counsellor.

he had another bad breakdown the other night. we were up until about 3am...

he wasn't prepared to admit he was under stress - or that it should affect him. he just thought he should be able to deal with it. that it should just roll on by because he understands it in his head.

the counsellor is working with him on accepting his stress and his body's demands to deal with his emotions and the way they well up.

and other stuff - just not that inspired to write at this time

excellent post by AAG

Always Aroused Girl has an excellent post

"So many sins can be committed in the name of saving a loved one from pain. My experience tells me that this approach cannot work. It can’t save an alcoholic. It can’t change a child’s behavior. It can’t soothe the worry of a parent."

----

some other back ground on the above post: her parents found out about her non-standard method of income/employment (sex blogging/sex toy reviews/etc) and also read her blog.

the wrenching story of that moment can be found here (it is also linked to in the post above)

what was the moment you realised?

"what was the moment you realised when you were going to leave him? what was the moment when you got it? really got it?"

that was the question i asked Smitten

it followed a got it moment of my own

got it about the nature of stbx-Mrs_C

got it that she's ill

that she is really and truly fucked

i knew it before

have for awhile

but i didn't get it

there was always this bewilderment about why she would do the things she did - sort of like a child trying to understand why their parent was beating them, or a dog coming back for some pets after getting whacked around

the unanswered question of why?

and the answer is:

'cause

'cause she's fucked

it's just the way it is

i get it

there's no fixing, there's no change coming, there's no reasoning or solving, or anything

----

i'm such an eternal optimist

i cannot believe that anything cannot be fixed

that's part of the problem and part of the reason i was trapped

----

getting it first really hit me when she did her hawaii thing. then with her reactions after. then when i read some of the books i was reading.

i read the descriptions of BPD people - and the reactions of their family and spouses

one of the things that the walking on eggshells book talked about was how BPD people will alter facts to fit what they are feeling - that emotions rather than rationality create the facts of a situation

the BPD person cannot fathom how they can feel this way, so they change facts/memories to create a rationale for their feelings

----

i have always questioned myself - thought that i didn't get it. highly competitive family - parents who could always find something - some piece - wrong with everything i did - even if they were supportive - always something was missed or wrong. i picked friends who did the same thing to me. my wife did the same.

i feel different now

----

part of it is that my parents are less capable - with their respective infirmities - i cannot rely on them any more

my boss is gone - he always protected me

even stbx-Mrs_C was a security blanket of a kind - financially and her insistence that she was always correct - her insight into people (often very sharp - being beaten and abused as a child makes a person hyper-aware of others' moods and such - hey?) gave me the feeling that someone (her) actually knew what was going on

because i never felt like i got the world - that something was hiding from me

and when things didn't work out i could rely on others to tell me how the world really works - because people just didn't act the way i thought they should - i thought people should be sane - sane to my view of the world - i have found i am not in the majority when it comes to my worldview - that most people are just running scared and don't think much about what they do - they react - they don't try tot make things fit in grand philosophical frameworks and consistent ethical and behavioural structures

i have no protectors anymore

no one to shield me

so i have to stick my head up all by myself

i have to use my own eyes and order the world in my own way

a little daunting - but i have found my views to be accurate

that i am steady - even if i have to steady myself - hold myself up

i have discovered that i'm OK

----

i am the protector

i have children and others who rely on me

i am strong

my decisions are rational and precise - of quality - they reflect the world we live in today - not the leave it to beaver constructs of yesteryear

----

getting it - like when you are learning math. you do your first few problems by rote - by using the system you have been shown - you know it intellectually, but you don't get it. you get the right answer - but you feel a little panicked or anxiety that you really don't know how you got there.

and then one day you just get it. the knowledge becomes a part of you. you are fully confident in your ability because you know it - you get it

that's how i feel

that is why i wrote the blog post below - i am

i suddenly get it. i have no reason to doubt myself on the stbx front

i also realised the dysfunction of my workplace. i get it - the two realisations clicked at the same time - they are related

i have seized control - i do not have to question myself so much - i understand

----

there's more to the path of realisation that i will relate at some later point - but i don't feel like tracing that memory path at this time. i did some of that yesterday and it only brought me down from the high i had

brought me down from my feeling of capability, confidence, and surety

so i don't care to go there today

i may not go there much in the future

i imagine i will continue to examine my actions, thoughts, and emotions in a self-aware and self-questioning manner, but i feel different

it's like when i felt sexy for awhile (still hoping that feeling will come back) - it steeped my whole body - it was a bodily feeling

that is how i feel right now

surety and confidence permeate me - i sure hope it continues - i remember what happened to feeling sexy

but i get it

and i feel good

i do not have that deep questioning inside myself about whether i am just wrong like i usually do

i am confident and powerful

i am capable and assured

i am

i am confident and powerful

i am capable and assured

i have people in my life who love me for who i am

i have people in my life who believe in me the way i am

i have people in my life who find me capable and competent

there are people in my life who will help me because they like me and they believe in me

i will succeed

i will be who i am, and whom i dream of being

brainwashing

here's an interesting quote from Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder

"Some adults who enter into relationships with borderlines feel brainwashed by the BP's accusations and criticisms. Says Benham: "the techniques are simple: isolate the victim, expose them to consistent messages, mix with sleep deprivation, add some form of abuse, get the person to doubt what they know and feel, keep them on their toes, wear them down, and stir well."

interesting validation of some of my previous thoughts

Stockholm Syndrome And Being Rescued By My Son
Situation Update: March 10, 2006
Hell weekend - Part 4 (aftermath)
Traumatic Bonding
Desperation and Objectivity

kids counselling update

the kids have been to additional sessions

daughter 3 sessions - ms counsellor

son 2 - mr counsellor

son's counsellor and i talked after his second session (son was in the van a few feet away - had the window open a bit). i approached him with a book that i wanted him to review if he hadn't already read it. Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem. mr counsellor had read it. he told me that ethically he couldn't "treat" son as though his mother was BPD unless she had been diagnosed. i countered that even if she wasn't diagnosed, that she had those behaviours and that he could work with that. he agreed. he said that it matched what son had been telling him.

mr counsellor told me that son told him that son liked to "mix it up" with his mom. to debate her - to try to argue her into changing her behaviours. i told mr counsellor that son had plenty of years of modelling to follow watching me try to "fix" and help stbx - and that son's efforts to "fix" his mom were sincere. mr counsellor said "i think that's one of the points of that book your holding - you can't fix her". mr counsellor said he had been talking to son about establishing boundaries and just realising that son's mother was simply wrong in her behaviours and actions - that they were unacceptable and that he could say that - cal her on her behaviours.

mr counsellor told me that there had been a shift in son's attitude since the previous/first session. in the first session son seemed to be still asking himself what he could do to change, and thinking that he was in the wrong somehow - that if son changed in some way his mother wouldn't do what she does. this session son appeared to be saying "mom is the one with the problem - it's in her, not me"

mr counsellor said that he had begun working with son on how to define and establish personal boundaries - especially with his mother. mr counsellor told me that mr counsellor's sister is manic depressive and has these kinds of erratic behaviours. he has plenty of experience in boundaries with a loved one - he has to help his own family through the weird episodes - the cycles. mr counsellor said that one of his other sisters still doesn't get it and phones him every time the manic depressive one is "off" - and will listen to the manic depressive one rant on for hours. even the manic depressive says (after regaining lucidity) "why do you listen to me? you know that i'm having an episode, just cut me off"

mr counsellor is working with son on two things right now - boundaries and relaxation - the sleep issues. he said that son told mr counsellor that son is really happy to be working out and says that even these couple of weeks have really helped him (son).

daughter is still happy to go to ms counsellor. i went to each of these sessions this week with intent - to make sure that the counsellors knew what they were dealing with. i had identified my perception that stbx was BPD in the initial sessions, but i believed that they discounted it somewhat as just a bitter ex-spouse.

today i had daughter read a couple of segments out of the book (if you read the excerpt that is available on amazon through the link above you will see one of the checklists i had her read). i had read stuff from this book to the kids before, but it hadn't clicked. i had daughter read some - after she read the first bit (which i will excerpt below) she turned and gave me an exaggerated look of disbelief (humourous undertones) all wide eyed and shocked looking. she was all "oh my god!"

"Since you're reading this book, it's likely that your borderline parent:

- was so intent on getting her own needs met that she couldn't take care of yours - or perhaps even differentiate her needs from yours

- looked to you to provide him with unconditional love rather than the other way around

- either emotionally abandoned you or smothered and controlled you, leading to feelings of worthlessness, shame, and rage

- made you feel that she only loved you for what you could achieve, not who you were

- had unpredictable moods, alternating between loving and cruel words and actions"

she was kind of bowled over

i remember when i read the book the first time. i felt like i had been hit by a truck. i threw up after reading it.

when i raised that book and another one called "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder" with ms counsellor, she asked "why are you showing me these? does it sound like anyone you know"

i said "perhaps [daughter] can answer that question - i just had her read these checklists"

ms counsellor said "i can kind of guess who it might be"

we both said yeah it sounded like the stbx

ms counsellor said that she had wondered if that was what was up with stbx

i left them for their session and wandered about

after the session i asked daughter if she was still good with ms counsellor. daughter said yes, but said she was much happier with today because in previous sessions ms counsellor had been saying things like "you have to understand how your mom was brought up" and "that's her background and that's why she says the things she does" - these comments were about the conflict daughter was having with her mom on clothing. conduct, and bi-sexuality. daughter tried to argue - said that it was different than that kind of thing - that it was simply because her mother was a "colossal dumbass". apparently ms counsellor was addressing daughter's issues more from a standard cultural/generational analysis.

not today

with those books beside her and daughter referring to the checklisted behaviour it put a whole new vector onto their discussion.

when i picked daughter up, ms counsellor said that next time they were going to work on some breathing and relaxation techniques and on daughter's anger

----

i see progress in both cases

i see real issues being addressed

turn and face the stranger

i told my workplace that i want to review their offer of a buyout

buyout?

mutually agreed upon separation

works out to around 11 months salary in the base scenario, plus whatever else i (or my union rep) negotiate into the package

why?

my workplace currently sucks. with little chance of redemption. vicious infighting and politics - and - i have one disciplinary action that has already been taken against me (under grievance) and they tried to toss another one on me today (also under grievance)

the various items that are under discussion are, in my opinion, trumped up. but that doesn't matter that much. i see a pattern, and it's a pattern i don't like. i work in a political workplace and this kind of maneuvering is de rigueur for politics. i'm on the wrong side of some people (some of our caucus) and they spend their time asking my boss about my work performance. and complaining if there is ever any tiny thing out of line with what they think is the way things should be done. or that they think is opening enough to poke me.

it's sort of like the greek gods - the worst thing a mere mortal could do is get the attention of the gods - whether they like you or not. in an environment where every day is maneuvering and jockeying for position - anyone who is under observation becomes a pawn in the game.

my boss has to respond. other staff who have made worse mistakes have not received warning letters or any such (i know because i am one of two shop stewards - and i am required to be notified of any disciplinary action in the workplace)

what's an example?

this last weekend i was requested to send out an opinion/editorial piece to the papers. the last time the biggest cheese (whose name was on it) had seen it was 2 weeks ago. the caucus and the big cheese had been making changes to all the other communications materials in the same package up until minutes before their release. that suggested to me that i should double check in case there was some nuance change that would come up in the piece that was unreviewed for two weeks

you see - our caucus can't make a decision to save their lives. they have been known to completely reverse themselves on an issue 3 times in a two hour period. it is a standing joke amongst our staff that if you don't like a decision, just wait fifteen minutes and it will change...

i tried to reach the big cheese. he was unavailable. i tried to reach my boss. he was unavailable. they were both gone from the office on friday.

i made a judgment call. i chose to wait until tuesday (it was a long weekend) to submit the op/ed. i called all the newspapers and the op/ed editors to alert them that a piece would be coming in - and how many words it was so they could block out space.

i waited until the big cheese or my boss was available so that i could confirm it was a go.

in my opinion the op/ed piece would not stale-date in 3 days

my opinion was, apparently, wrong

i got disciplined

since fall - since the election and losing government i have progressively had more and more of my communications duties taken away and have become the guy who plugs wires in - the computer guy. we got a director of communications who is - frankly - incompetent (ex-reporter - no political experience). hell - he left on a week's vacation during the last week of the legislative session. that'd be the day any of the other staff would be allowed to fuck off during session - i got shit one night because i tried to leave before 10:30pm... and i had kids waiting for me - yeah it was a special time - budget release - but my work was done

also - we have a bunch of temporary staff who are about to be laid off with the end of session. they were people who used to work with us until we lost the election and they were fired (political staff). they are like chickens in a coop - one chicken (me) has blood - they all peck at the injured one (including one dude who is the boss's "special friend" [boss is gay]. they don't advertise their relationship, because of the political environment, but i know lots - as i've mentioned before - my family goes multiple generations back - we are highly plugged in). the temporary staff are fighting for survival and advancement. you see - whoever survives the four years is extremely well placed for the gravy train and power positions if we win...

the office is a different place to work since we lost

it's beyond dysfunctional

you see - part of the jockeying is among the surviving politicians who are trying to escape personal blame for the loss of the election. also, the jockeying has begun for who is going to replace the big cheese.

it's a vicious place to be

----

anyway

i have a lifetime of experience, AND i get paid good money to anticipate outcomes. and this one won't work out well for me. as i said this morning - if i can't see how this will all play out, then i shouldn't be working here. my boss and the office administrator tried to say it wasn't a plan to turf me, but i called bullshit - even if there is no plan on their part, the anticipated outcome will be the same. i called a "cone of silence" - where we could speak freely and agree not to have that part of the conversation come up in the union/grievance proceedings. we agreed to disagree on parts of our respective viewpoints - but they could not argue strongly with my overall analysis - and the inevitability of my departure given the politics in play

i can get out with 11 months salary and other benefits. i can go back to school and finish a computer course in 2 semesters - about as long as i will have money for. i can get some software certifications over the summer and then go back to university in the fall for 2 semesters until april.

i have my evening teaching job at the tech college and a guy who runs a computer business i can do part-time work for.

i can get the two disciplinary pieces pulled out of my file and guarantee a good reference

there are reasons. i know shit. shit with repercussions. buried bodies and little secrets. agenda to turf me or not, it still works better for all if this happens quietly and smoothly.

so i'm reviewing the buyout offer

the plan works - a new set of certifications - the economy is booming - computer people are scarce...

----

"Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet"

"Just gonna have to be a different man"

"I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence"

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...