update on food shortage

i thought about things, i discussed them with Smitten.

the outcome: went to the house. looked in the fridge and freezers. son's estimate of the food supply was correct.

i told the kids i wouldn't let them starve. i did tell them that their first order of business is to contact their mother and get her to solve the problem. son called brother-in-law's cell phone and left a message after being unable to reach them twice (so much for being available in the event of emergency).

i also told them to call their grandmother and talk to her about the situation - might as well toss responsibility back into that family and make the stbx suffer for a little while that way - he mom will make her feel stupid and incompetent for this one... they called her and she said she would bring food for them if they needed it, but none for Chris (the guy/friend staying there) - she said he can buy his own food.

I told the kids that Chris could spend a little less money on his cell phone and pot and maybe he would have enough food.

I was really upset by all this - i suspect you can tell from my last post. This is entirely beyond the pale. the stbx's actions are totally irresponsible. i'm really, really, really upset.

my mom happened to call over to the house to talk to daughter about some sewing she had done for daughter and got the word as well. my mom called me - she was close to tears (voice choking on the phone). i've only seen tears a very few times in all my years from my mom - deaths and funerals - and maybe 2-3 times outside of that. the thing that upset her the most was that Son was worrying about trying to find food for his friend. she thought that Son has so much other shit piling on him - yet he feels responsible for his friend - who is 18, and son is only 16 - why should he have to "parent" someone older than him? she told son that she would feed him, but that Chris could take care of himself.

i told my mom that Son got the rescue gene legitimately from me and from her...

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the whole event left me distracted

it really ruined my evening with Smitten. so many things are coming up in my life that take away from us spending time just being with each other and enjoying each other's presence and our connection as a couple.

i told her that i was astounded that the stbx could be reaching into our lives more and more - that i thought i had insulated my self a little from her - but the stbx is reaching out through new channels to just fuck up the equilibrium - now, mostly through the kids and her messed up behaviour with them

Smitten said "Chaos knows no boundaries and no limits"

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[took the blog public again - might have to go private again at some point, but the imminent potential danger has subsided. to my Halifax and University of Illinois readers - post or send me email, ok? you read so very regularly but do not comment (i think) and i felt bad about going private and not sending an invite]

OH MY GOD - FUCKING STUPID BITCH

so she leaves for her vacation to Hawaii

Son calls me just now and says that they are running out of food at the house because there isn't much there.

he says that the stbx didn't leave any money in case there was an issue, and that she didn't leave any emergency contact numbers or any instructions as to what to do in the event of calamity

he says she said she would leave $50.00, but none was left

just the brother-in-law's cell phone - that Son can't reach them on - and maybe boyfriend bob's cell - they think

they have no contact number in Hawaii, they have no address or locations they are staying or any way to track them down except for these cell phone numbers - fucking irresponsible bitch fucking asshole!!!!!!!

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so the kids want me to give them money for food

fuck

i need to think this through

my initial instinct is to rescue, but i just don't know what to do right now

i'm thinking that i would not give any money, only food - if i did

i'm thinking that they should be responsible for calling their mother and getting her direction - in fact i just phoned and told them it is their responsibility to get a hold of their mother

i told them i would not leave them starve, but that their mother needed to find a way out of this instead of me riding to the rescue immediately

i also don't trust Chris - the other young guy who lives there not to have taken the money while we were away

fuck

A letter to my sister

your father is driving me insane

i don't know what to do with him

i think i'm going to have to call a contact time out of some kind

at work my phone's call display doesn't work right now

i don't have a call display phone at home

he calls me all the time

3 or 4 times a day - on a good day - and that's just the calls to me at work

he calls a couple of times an evening as well - sometimes more

for the most inane shit you can imagine

he is so completely self-centred it is ridiculous

everything is about him

we just went to the US to see Obama and Clinton - by the end the kids were saying things like "Grandpa needs to be the hero of the hour every hour" and "Everything is always about him" and "He has to be the centre of attention or he gets pissy and miffed".

and they've known and humoured him for their whole lives. they're pretty gentle about/with him.

and then he yells or gets snappy if they do anything even a little outside his zone - unless i'm around - then i can see him holding back - because he knows i'll take a strip off him

(at christmas time he threatened to punch out [Son]. i had quite a confrontation with him where we traded threats of physical violence. he apologised the next day)

he will change the subject of any conversation to be about him or his life or his family history - failing that, about some historical subject of interest to him - like the development of railways in north america... (and Canada in particular)

i brought him to the legislature last night

we are filibustering some rule changes, and having some introductions breaks things up a little for the person on the floor speaking. trying to think of Dad's need to be in on the action, i suggested he come down and be introduced. i asked him if he had a bio kicking around that we could use.

he wrote something up in a hurry - and that was good of him.

but the reason i did it was to just give him a little thrill that he was taking a small part of kicking the other guys. well, what a production...

he actually asked me "What should I wear?" as though this was more than a night sitting of the house during a filibuster. i told him "I'm wearing jeans and a sweater - that would be fine". he then came down to the office, but wanted to have a discussion about which of the members would be the best to deliver the introduction.

Oh My God

what a bonehead

this was after the weekend in Grand Forks. We went to some hospitality suites at the Democratic-NPL convention. Dad actually told me he'd sent an email to his contact asking what to wear. It's not like he hasn't been going to these since he was a kid some 70 years ago - but had to make it more of a production.

he has to discuss the ass off of every detail of everything - sometimes going over the same ground several times - and always about him and his role and what he should be doing or how to handle something or whatever the hell

when i talked to my friend here - his Dad is 90something - he said that its old guy stuff

that they are trying to assure themselves that they still have a place in the world

in our father's situation it is worse, i think, because of that politician's ego. he so desperately needs adulation and attention. he won't even do any give and take. he won't even pretend to pay attention to what other people are saying. he would turn away and ignore the kids in the middle of what they were talking to him about - if it wasn't about him. he would interrupt in the middle of things i was saying - after he had the floor for an extended period (like a half hour or more straight) and say things like "Do you want me to finish that bit of family history I was telling you about? How John and Katerina took the wagon from North Dakota to the homestead location?"

I had literally gotten 2 or 3 sentences out of my mouth. It was even on his topics of provincial history and homesteading and early farm life - except i was talking about the nature of settlement around where Mom's family lived and was about to ask him to tell me if that matched his area - thus giving him yet another chance to talk about himself and his family - he's an old guy, so i gave him his time to tell his stories and do his thing - but even that wasn't good enough - i couldn't even pitch him a softball in under 30 seconds that moved the topic away from him

jesus

anyway

sorry to spew in your direction but, i'm ready to lose it

and he just needs more and more - it's never enough

too tired to post a narrative yet

that's him on the jumbotron

and 17,000 of his closest friends

some people - they do road trips for concerts

me

and my kids...

their first road trip is to see Obama
(and Hillary).

i may need to take the blog private for awhile

some shit has arisen that makes having anything hanging out in the wind iffy (current work/politics) - i will probably go public again in awhile - but our foes will be cruising

we just burned the other guys hard - i don't want to be exposed

----

i will be sending invites and taking it private - if i don't have your email address please let me know

interview this morning

went OK

a little more stilted than i would have liked

but ok

i can at times get overenthusiastic - especially when describing grand plans for the universe - so i was a little longwinded and overdetailed on some answers

especially on subjects i am passionate about

called my buddy who is on the board, who first headhunted me

will get some informal feedback soon

will post later...

Hoping she has a nice trip, and all that...

So I was talking to the stbx yesterday. I had called her to read out the letter of travel permission that I need to have to take my kids across the border into the US.

I had put her contact numbers into the letter in case the border folks wanted to call her. She advised me that she was going to be out of town. I corrected her and said "I thought you weren't leaving until Saturday, we'll be crossing the border on Friday." I knew this already - she hadn't bothered to let me know, but the kids had told me.

She's going to Hawaii for 2 weeks with Boyfriend Bob, her sister and the brother-in-law (he of dogs, hunting, rye whisky, guns, and trucks).

She then asked me to watch out for the kids next week (her week) while she was away - first time she ever even mentioned it to me. 3 days from leaving.

how's that for responsible joint parenting?

asshat

anyway, i said i would keep an eye on them - they want a week of freedom. Son is 16, and the other guy (son's friend [18 years old] who is still living there - see this post, and this post for a couple of quick back references) would be adequate supervisors for a week, and I would be a moment away (3 blocks). the stbx gave me some shit about not wanting them to stay at the house and preferring they be with me... (if it was an issue why wouldn't she have called?)

anyway - her blah, blah

i listen and then say "By the way - I want you know that I really hope you have a good trip. I hope it's a really good time. I hope you really enjoy it."

She gave me some fuzzy response about having some new priorities in life and new horizons and looking at the world in a different way. That she was going to walk on beaches and volcanoes and sit under palm trees.

I went out to a birthday dinner for Smitten's niece (36) and to my friend's art show opening.

When I got back to my place the kids told me that their Mom had told them I only said that I hoped she would have a good trip to hurt her, and that telling her to have a good trip was hurtful because i had ruined her life...

The kids told her she was full of shit and had a tangle with her.

One of her points, one more time, is that i had an affair before we split.

They said it was otherwise mostly incoherent.

They were pretty rattled by the whole experience. I guess she bounced around every mood and accusation about all three of us that you can imagine. lovey huggy one moment, yelling the next.. She was apparently quite wild-eyed.

They said the reason she spazzed out was because their mom didn't actually want to go to Hawaii and was upset and had been trying to get out of it for some time, but was pressured into going by the others on the trip.

They also told me that she is "cheating" on Bob with another guy - Rick - who works with her. They don't think she's sleeping with him yet, but they are expecting Bob to get the heave ho real soon now.

They tell me that their mother is quite pleased that Rick has even more money than Bob.

I don't know quite what to make of all this.

For the record, I really do want her to have a good trip. I am pleased she is finally taking a trip somewhere (i didn't say that to her - only the kids - and they didn't say that part to her). I really do just want her to be happy - i thought this might make her happy.

But her being happy always has been a lost cause, now hasn't it?

I read a couple of blog entries out loud to the kids. I told them it was from my journal. They are aware that I blog, but believe (like their mother) that it is part of a larger "marriage and relationship" website (because i lied and said exactly that... well, it's not actually a lie if you take those definitions and interpretations a little generally and fuzzily... that's what we in politics call "telling the truth with extreme care" [the actual phrase is: i haven't heard a whole lot of politicians lie. they just tell very carefully constructed truths]. it's the truth presented from a certain perspective, language subset, and observational standpoint...)

anyway - i read them out loud with real names inserted in for pseudonyms. they were some of the older posts that showed their mother at her most erratic. at her most confused and most contradictory - contradicting herself from one hour to the next.

after i had read a few i went and sat by them and asked them what the point of me reading them out was.

my son said "To show that this is business as usual for her. That she's doing the same shit she always has."

Exactly

We talked for a few minutes of how tiring it all was, and how it left all of us so completely emotionally drained.

Then we went to bed.

The Trail (interlude)

Real soon my kids and I will be getting in my vehicle while it is still dark out, go pick up my Dad, and set out on a full day's travel to the U.S.

I've taken the time off work, bought health/travel insurance (we don't need any inside Canada - medicare is fully transportable), made sure my auto package policy (additional $2M liability, etc) is up to date (we get basic insurance with our plates [$750 deductible, $750,000 liability - no really big lawsuits because the health system pays for any medical or rehab] - most people just go with basic plate coverage).

We're going to see Barack Obama speak.

Yeah

A day in my life to hear a politician speak. One that isn't even Canadian. A day of my kids' lives. My Dad? Well - he's retired and his soul was lost to the oblivion of politics so very long ago. So it's not like he has any misgivings about this trip... It's actually going to be two days because we're staying overnight and driving back the next day.

I was up for it in less than half a second.

My kids were up for it in about the same length of time.

At least the three of us think we need to get a life.

Dad... he's still Dad.

Barack Obama is the most exciting speaker I have heard in decades. Perhaps my whole life. He's not a socialist like me, but he brings the hope that maybe some of the more unfortunate elements of U.S. political culture can be overcome. I didn't know much about him until I watched his Martin Luther King Day Speech on Youtube" (37 minutes - take the time to watch the whole thing at once).

I wept as I listened.

I've heard a lot of speeches and I'm pretty jaded about them.

I wept as I listened to this one.

Usually I pick apart speeches and presentations in the kind of snotty/insider way that art critics look at art and discuss it. I have written speeches and have delivered speeches that make others weep. But not me. I am inside. I am an inside player. I know the tricks. I know the techniques.

I wept as I listened to this one.

I sent the link to my Dad. He had always been supporting Hillary. He called me back. I said "Wasn't that amazing? ...It made me cry." He said "It can't help but move you. It can't help but make a person cry." I realised that his voice was choked with emotion.

In his life he's given more speeches on the stump, in Parliament, in the legislature than I've even seen. He's written and watched more than that. And his father before him...

And we both choked up.

Listening to this "black guy with a funny name", as one right wing talk radio guy called him.

I had to go.

----

I watched this video: Yes We Can - Barack Obama Music Video

And this one. The words that speak? So many of them. How about: "we are the ones we've been waiting for"

----

I talked to one of my co-workers about Obama and my reaction to that speech. He said "No matter how jaded and cynical you are, at some level you have to believe... or you couldn't do this job. That belief is what carries you through the shit. And this guy is the real thing. He's saying what he believes. And he's really good at saying it."

----

We had put together all the arrangements to go when we discovered that Hillary Clinton has been booked to speak a couple of hours later.

The double bill. (not that Bill - I've already seen Bill speak, by the way. And Al Gore)

Yeah, for a political junkie, this is pretty much as good as it gets.

(The kids get to take the day off school without absence because the schools have confirmed they consider this an educational event)

----

I will apologise if my unabashed emotion rubs anyone wrong - especially if you are a Hillary supporter.

I can only speak to how I feel.

I figured Hillary was the deal for years now. I was proud and happy to look forward to seeing her win the nomination and the Presidency.

And then I saw that speech.

Sorry

Hope trumps

I've never seen anyone quite like him

Because, you see, I believe that hope and dreams are real

I believe that hopes and dreams are deliverables

I think that sometimes words are enough

If he is a half-assed capable President - and i believe he will be more than that - and he can stir people's hearts

give young people a reason to buy into the system

make people who think that there is no way out of what we've dug ourselves into as a whole western society and culture

if he just delivers belief

that's enough for me

because i just can't live on cynicism and realpolitik anymore

The Trail (Part 2)

Son (yesterday), on the way to pick up daughter from the charter bus (she was returning from her ethnic dance festival) - I had said that I didn't think things had gone quite as well as I had hoped for... we had supper over at Smitten's with her and her two kids. Made fresh rolls (Vietnamese fresh rolls - rice wraps, noodles, shrimp/vegetation, other stuff)...

Son: "Actually, from my perspective... and maybe its just me... but I thought it went pretty well. Everyone in my life - with maybe the exception of you... and [Smitten] and stuff - are insane. Emo or insane - or both... my friends, and mom, and stuff... So it was kind of nice to have just a normal supper. With no freak-outs, or weird shit, or warnings and feelings of impending doom... So, no, i dunno, maybe you felt something different - but i thought it was pretty good. i liked it."

----

I picked son up late friday night from his friend's house. He was exhausted. But he couldn't sleep. We stayed up awhile and talked and just hung out.

i could tell he was really on the edge. not edgy - but on the edge. edge of collapse and ability to cope. he still denies anything is taking a toll on him - though his denials are getting more feeble.

i just stayed with him. he played his game. i surfed the net and yakked here and there - some serious topics, some not - did some dishes - made sure he had some nutritious and healthy food. drank water. he slowly wound down enough that he agreed to go to bed something around 12:30am

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saturday i woke him up at 2 in the afternoon. i let him numb his mind on his current favourite game - grand theft auto: vice city (on the PS/2 I talked about awhile back). he doesn't need anyone shitting on him for being slack. why? what the hell else did he have to do? maybe a little homework, but otherwise all he needed to do was sleep and feel safe and secure.

after an hour or two a made him get up and shower. took him out for supper. we went to an indian place. cost a little more than i wanted, but he likes indian and i wanted to see some colour in his face.

he's so pale. his skin is white, white, white. sickness white. ghostly white.

his complexion is pretty bad too.

after eating - i ordered it between medium and hot - the blood was flowing and he was pretty happy. we toodled off to the movie store and got a couple of movies.

my whole intent was to just make him feel safe and secure in an undemanding environment.

he was happy - i was bugging him about how much he ate and the look of slightly satisfied pain he had from having eaten a bit too much. he had quite the sheepish grin - much like a little kid when you've bundled them into a bed after they complained they didn't want to go to bed, but they were tired.

we watched the movies, made our comments about them, and just hung. around 1:00am we went to bed.

i found out the next day that he had not been able to go to sleep. he tried. he wanted to go to sleep. but his body wouldn't let him. he described not being able to find any comfortable position. having prickly skin. having muscles that demanded to be moved. a heart that began racing.

i told him he was having an anxiety attack. he said "no - not like that. i'm not explaining it right. i was getting angry. like when [boyfriend] Bob lost it on me. i was at the edge of throwing everything away. of just 'poning him. of just busting loose and breaking things and hitting people"

i said that while he was angry - it was still essentially the same kind of emotional event as an anxiety attack, and had the same kind of root causes

that i would see about getting him some relaxation therapy classes to help deal with it - not that it would do much, but it might take the edge off sometimes

----

i talked to son on friday night about what he had told me about his sister thinking that maybe she'd be moving in with me full time (read last post).

i talked to him more about why it would be better for him to move in with me than with his friends.

i talked a bit about the logistics of such a move and about some of the changes and choices that would have to occur if we were all in the same domicile all the time.

when presented with some ideas around his mother's reaction to both her kids leaving and how to potentially deal with that all (if it came to pass), he said "yeah - and i'd wanted to try and repair my relationship with her..."

he talked about maybe staying with her to try to help her through her meltdown if daughter left. i asked her how he thought that would work out. asked him how he thought he might do - given that i had tried to fix his mom for 20 years (20 years, one week and one day [as of today]). asked him if he believed that his strengths and abilities in that area would succeed any better than mine.

asked him what he thought the effort of trying to save his mother would do to his own survival.

told him he didn't need to abandon her, just asked him to face the reality of how it would work out.

i discussed further how the mechanics of him and his sister moving out would work. he hadn't even considered that he could go stay with his mother for a weekend, or visits. the kids are both thinking in awfully final terms. i am trying to mediate/moderate their experience. to temper the terrible siuation they are in - and the terrible spot they have been put in.

i told him that even if he did choose to stay with her, or help her work through things, that i would support him and offer him shelter.

i asked him to go in with his eyes open wide on the possibility of success - and about what it would do to him as a human being. pointed out what had happened to his sister. asked him if he was prepared to give up a chunk of himself to make peace - or if being in a constant battle would help him or her.

he accepted that there was essentially nothing he could do. that wishing wouldn't make it better. that he knew how it would work out. and that eventually he would move out, because he would fight and "battle her" because he will not accept her crap. and that it would have been wasted effort and pain from the beginning, because she won't change.

i told him that he could spend time with her - enough to be with her, but not enough to damage him - he could love her, but needed to accept that she was who she was - that he needed to accept that his mom was broken and that only she could make the choices to fix herself.

and that none of us had the tools or ability to fix her. that only she - with professional help that was far beyond our capability - could fix herself.

that it was like the time his uncle had nearly drowned - and had started pulling his children under in a panic to save himself when they went to rescue him. (his legs had gone paralysed - what happens when you drink Rye Whisky in the hot sun all day and then jump in a cold assed lake... BTW, another brother-in-law jumped in and saved him).

i asked him if he thought his mother was self-aware enough, or not selfish enough to avoid pulling him or his sister under - to avoid ruining their lives.

i pointed out that he was the child, not the parent, and that if his mother was outside of the situation, and lucid, she would give him the same advice.

he sadly accepted that he would have to look out for himself first.

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i'm going for a job interview on thursday

it's only a six month term right now

it will be extended if i meet pre-specified goals

it pays about $1000.00 more per month than my current job, but offers tremendous entre into the upper reaches of the IT world in our jurisdiction.

as one of my co-workers (and confidante) said "If there was ever a position made for you it's this one, [Cadbury]. if you don't want the job, give them my name - anything to escape the insanity of this place"

it is also only 3-4 days a week in the initial 6 month term. it would go full time at around $30K more a year than i make right now if i meet the goals. i can make those goals.

i don't want to do what i'm doing anymore.

i believe in the cause, but not the people i work for. they are self-interested pricks who don't deserve the mantle and name of our movement. and they don't deserve my efforts and support.

i expect that attitude may percolate up into the work situation described last post, even if i try to be polite and professional.

for the record, all of the staff (including my boss and the office manager) have the same opinion of the current crew we work for. some of them are decent as individuals, but as a group are just appallingly... um, limited.

i discussed the situation with my parents and they approve of my plan - and recognise (and offered) that they will be on the line to hold my head above water if things go sideways.

Mom and Dad are true believers from a long way back. They have the same opinion of the current crew as we staff do. Mom doesn't hold a party card any more, but Dad still does.

If I leave i will receive a severance/buy-out of something over 8 months salary. All of the staff were offered the buy-out after the election. It is still pending and open 'til June.

I intend to finalise my Linux and Microsoft certification while on my 6 months if I get the job. If I don't get my term extended I will go back to university. I can get my computer science certificate in two 4 month semesters (using credits from my unfinished degree). That will leave me with a little room at the end - especially if I am frugal - to get a new job. Unlike many parts of the U.S. our economy here is booming - we have a terrible labour shortage - especially for IT people. I would be almost assured of getting a job immediately - others who got punted after we lost the election (who were IT people) got jobs in less than 3 weeks. These were young guys without 20 years experience (like me).

My parents support the idea of me going back to school and have said they would back-stop the other end.

I am still considering things, but my mind is pretty much made up.

The only thing that causes me pause is that it would affect my ability to get a house. But all I really want is an extra bedroom. I am looking into whether I can rent a townhouse, or - god forbid - see if Mom and Dad will co-sign because i would be not in a permanent job at that point. That would, of course, assume that my settlement was done...

and that's a whole separate ball of wax

The Trail (Part 1)

It feels like it's been forever since I last wrote here. I have been visiting your blogs on a half-assed basis, trying to stay current, even if not participating.

It's been a long couple of weeks riding the trail.

Not sure where that trail is going right now.

So, what's going on?

The stbx is going increasingly unstable. It is taking a lot of time and psychic effort to assist my kids and to stay fully anchored for their sake.

I have been headhunted for a job. The executive director of a high-tech industry association.

I got a disciplinary letter from work saying I was slack, shoddy, and disinterested (nonchalant) in my work (the quick summary of two pages).

One of the worst moments came when I went back to my office after the initial hour long meeting about the letter. I had just sat down and was trying to keep myself composed. The letter and the meeting had come right out of the blue - no expectation of it whatsoever. And my daughter called. Called to talk to me about her mother and the pressure and anxiousness daughter feels. Daughter is having trouble coping with her mother's instability and increasingly irrational behaviour and outlook on life. It took every bit of my being to not allow my voice to crack or to betray how I was feeling. To keep myself stable and calm and reassuring for daughter.

I am grieving the letter and the points it makes. I have challenged the way that my boss and the office manager have characterised the incidents they discuss in the letter. Resolution is currently bound up within the grievance process. I am making sure that I behave in a way that is unassailable.

One criticism is my arrival time. My office manager has hated my flex hours arrangement with my previous boss for the entire time I have worked there. She does not consider my flex hours reason (getting kids off to school in the morning) to be valid. She is angry and resentful that she had to do it all those years (she's in her late 50s) and still get to work at the appointed hour. She is angry that I am getting a "special privilege" because I'm a man. Even though flex hours is in our contract. She is mad because on of the other people (a woman) did not get granted flex hours when she requested it. The lady requesting it had as part of her specific job duties to open the office in the morning... at 8am. So the former boss said no to flex for her.

I would stay until later. But in the office manager's eyes, only the 8am start time counts.

So she revoked my flex and i was late a few more times - including for medical appointments - that's part of the grievance. No one else has been disciplined for coming in after 8am (arrivals go from 8 'til about 8:15am). Again, part of the grievance.

Also, they said I had missed/not completed a couple of pieces of work. I had handed them off to co-workers because I was working on a network problem. I have no direct supervisor right now, and had made my own judgments because my boss was unavailable.

Also, as we have re=formed in our new status as an office - all the roles have changed - and the job descriptions remain the same. I essentially have no list of duties right now. All but two of the things that they complained about are nowhere described in the contract or in any list of duties.

I should note that I am not perfect, and that they are within their rights and within reason to speak to me about the issues they did. They can ask for better performance (especially on the 8 am arrival time) - but part of that improved performance counts on them providing better direction.

They agreed that my counterpoints had validity and committed to doing better at providing guidance and direction. That they would actually give me a list of things they consider to be my duties. As I said in one of the meetings "I accept that i may have appeared to be wandering aimlessly - because I am. But that's because I have no idea of what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm just guessing. That's why I've wandered into each of your offices for sometime now, on at least a weekly basis and asked you what my role in our new structure is. Pieces of my old job have been moved around to other people - and I'm OK with that - but how can you give me shit when I don't even have a list of job duties? I'm not going to accept any formal discipline or formal complaint until I know, in writing, what I am responsible for."

They committed to giving me better direction, duties in writing, and a written list of priorities - as well as committing to being available when I need a decision made on conflicting priorities - and giving me written authority to make my own decision when they are (as they often are) unavailable.

The grievance process will be a long one - and will likely involve the revision of our collective agreement.

----

The kids are shellshocked.

They have this terrible haunted look in their eyes.

I feel awful for them.

Daughter has begun discussing an endgame that would see her live full time with me. Son has been talking about moving out with his friends - I'm trying to assist him in thinking through that sort of a decision - which would be a bad one for him.

On a personal level - family level it's quite draining.

I will discuss some fo these details later.

----

As mentioned I've been headhunted - not a perfect scenario, but one that would see me out of the current volatile work situation I'm in, and into another...

I'm going for an interview and thinking things through

more on that later.

----

That's it for now

this post turned out to be longer than i had first thought

i am heading out with son to do a few errands

daughter is away in another city at an ethnic dance festival.

"charity dinner"

Daughter and Son had agreed they would tell their mother where they were going.

When it came right to the point of telling her daughter blinked and told their mother they were going to a charity dinner. Son wasn't happy but followed his sister's lead.

The birthday dinner was good.

I thought they had followed through on the plan. I found out tonight they had not.

Even though I was supportive of dodging the bullet, once that I had brought myself to the mental and emotional place needed to support the kids through the shit storm, I was a little deflated by the turn of events.

voicemail and conversation with son

i get home this morning from Smitten's. There is a voice mail from daughter. She is telling me that her mother is not home. It's almost midnight when the message was left. Daughter did not call me on my cell (i have since given explicit instructions [again] to call me on my cell because i might not be home).

Son calls me after school, tells me that their mother left. Said she was going for a pack of smokes. Gone for 2 1/2 hours until 12:30 a.m.

the kids were concerned about her. they don't know whether she's dead, or has followed through on her abandonment threat. They stay up waiting.

they call her sister, they call boyfriend bob - neither has heard from her. she didn't take her cell phone.

She comes home. They challenge her. she says "oh, i forgot my cell phone", son points out she could have used a payphone...

She launches into some shit she's read in a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer (some book - i think by him - i'll confirm...). She keeps the kids up until 1:30 a.m. engaged in some psycho drama.

This is on a Sunday night. That would be a school night. And then when son doesn't make it to school today, she comes home and bitches at him.

I am at a loss for words.

Battletoads

some excerpts from an email exchange with Smitten (names removed - if you spot one send me mail right away, please)

yes - the subject line of that email was the same as the title of this post

this is in regard to a birthday dinner for her son - a dinner that got rescheduled from last wednesday to this monday - a day that is when my kids are with their mother.

i had discussed the option of them either obfuscating or flat out lying about where they were going with me

---- Me ----

talked to the kids about a "cover" story for monday

suggested the political fundraiser idea

Son said

"i vote for the truth and when she starts to bitch, i tell her to ---- my ----. and when she whines about it afterwards, i battle her. i don't need to take her shit!"

I pointed out that Daughter has to live through this too, and might not be as comfortable as a battletoad

Daughter chimed in with this view

Son said "Then when she bitches at Daughter, I battle her again!"

Daughter said "but you're not always there, Son."

Son said "Then i battle her again, and make her life so miserable she never attacks you on it again, Daughter. And then i battle her again the next time. I don't care about what she says anymore. I view confrontations with her as more of a sport."

I left it with the two of them to work out how they felt. i will discuss it again to see what resolution might be gained.

---- Smitten ----

Wow, that is interesting.

It is good to hear that he is willing to stand up for the truth, even
knowing the consequences.
And in the end he is right - she will eventually stop her crap and just
have to accept life the way it is.
But there will be some pain along the way.
If everyone knows what the pain will be and is willing to work through it, making coping strategies and defences, then it is worth it. Well worth it actually.

Hmmm

From what you have told me, you have taught him to stand up to unfairness; to take a stand in a just cause that he believes in; to do the right thing even if it means hardship for awhile.
And now he is.

---- Me ----

> It is good to hear that he is willing to stand up for the truth, even
> knowing the consequences.
> And in the end he is right

yeah - he is right

i was trying to ease things for Daughter

i guess i'm not as strong as Son that way

lying and pirouettes worked for me to ease the immediate pain of most encounters in my life

> From what you have told me, you have taught him to stand up to
> unfairness; to take a stand in a just cause that he believes in; to do
> the right thing even if it means hardship for awhile.

he didn't model/learn it from me in my personal life and dealings

maybe in dealings with the school or outsiders, but not close to home

> And now he is.

yeah

self-confidence and surety will do that for a person

whether it's innate strength, or having been sheltered from being torn down by those you love

it's an interesting vector change to see Son do what he does

to not care what anyone says about him

even if it leaves him alone
(as he has discussed recently in relation to other kids and friends)

----

my Dad said to me

"You seem to be prepared to mix it up with your opponents in your student politics - at the drop of a hat - but don't seem to be able to to do that with [stbx-Mrs_C]. You seem to have some trouble standing up for yourself when it's in your personal life."

there is an irony to the source of that statement

----

but,

perhaps part of it is also protectiveness

perhaps he is protecting Daughter and I

maybe that's the behaviour he saw modeled

---- Smitten ----

> i was trying to ease things for Daughter

> >i guess i'm not as strong as Son that way


You are a natural protector - and that is strength. Of course you want to ease things for her - you are her father and you care. She is still a little girl who is influenced into doing things she doesn't want to do just because she is young, and that is unfair.

Perhaps some of your reflexes are that you know what it is like to be where she is, and no one protected you

Over this past year Son has learned not to fear the wrath of "mother". He is seeing her with adult eyes which is liberating. She does not have the power over him that she once had (nor over you) and he is freed from being a victim. He now has power and is relishing it (e.g. the comment about confrontation as a sport). I see this as a positive. He is fighting back and is on the other side of the pendulum where he may want to get a bit of revenge.

Is that wrong?

Maybe yes, maybe no... but to find his middle ground and understand his own boundaries, it has to be done. Either now or later.

Each victim must face their abuser and take back their personal power. How each person does it is different, and Son is doing what feels right for him.

Sounds like he wants to stop the bullshit and the lies and face things straight on. He is tired of her abuse and knows that tip toeing around it will not change it. He no doubt has tried different methods over this past year and has come to the conclusion that no matter what he does or how he does it will change her behaviour, so why should he try so hard? He may understand that to tolerate abuse and to let her manipulate the household is license to let it continue. And he does not want that.

And he knows he has you as mental and physical refuge. And that my dear is what is giving him his own strength to deal with his abuse and heal. You did not have that advantage.

As for you and your strength - it is a different path and process for you. You are also confronting people/things that you would have not done before. From what you have shared, the "lying and pirouettes" are not an automatic response for you anymore. (?)

---- Smitten ----

> it's an interesting vector change to see Son do what he does.
> >to not care what anyone says about him
> >even if it leaves him alone
> >(as he has discussed recently in relation to other kids and friends)

As you have said, he is a different kind of person. He has the abilities to make friends and conform to the norm but chooses not to. [a non-conformist coworker of Cadbury's] seems to be doing just fine.

> >but,
> >perhaps part of it is also protectiveness
> >perhaps he is protecting Daughter and I
> >maybe that's the behaviour he saw modeled

Perhaps. But he also saw that the protecting had a limit. It couldn't stop everything and someone always lost in the end (in this case you). Another guess is that he has already been as hurt as much as he can be. So what has he got to lose?

He has a trump card and wants to play it.
There is no better time to play it than on Monday when he can bring her arch enemy into it.

And another thought is that he has seen Daughter start to protect herself. He sees the strength building within her.

Overwhelmed, Shit, and Procrastination

Work is winding up. We have two major periods in the year and this is the bigger one. It is about 3 months long. The other one is in the fall.

We barely survived the one last fall - and it was only 2 weeks long. Now we were just a few weeks out of the election and 2 weeks after moving offices, but it was still a hell of a ride for those 2 weeks.

We have 5 more staff for this sitting, but we have a much longer period to cover, and a lot more going on than last fall.

The demands have been ratcheted way up in terms of tech work. I no longer even do much communications and writing - little strategy. I hate being the guy who just plugs stuff in and fixes peoples "my computer won't work" bullshit problems.

It's not what i signed on for - i hate being relegated here, but i'm the only one who can do what i do. not quite true, but the other guy who knows what to do on tech is the only one that knows all the rules of the house and is in charge of that element of the office - he's the staff quarterback for the next 3 months.

I am trying to find my happy place doing what i'm doing.

I have been given one piece of research, but it has been left languishing while i solve the inevitable every day computer/network crisis.

It doesn't help that the client group are for the most part full-on egomaniacs. I suppose that's what you have to be to put yourself out for that much public judgement. This group is worse than most. They may be my team, but they're mostly assholes (2/3 anyway). I've been around this type of folks for my whole life, but this group is the most self-absorbed i've ever seen.

by next time around (4 years from now) i hope to *ease* a bunch of them into retirement from this life - by challenges if nothing else works...

----

i have way to much to do at work

----

i have little mindspace left. i read your blogs BTW - i just have nothing in me to comment. i apologise. even less to post here.

in fact i am just posting right now out of guilt, and to avoid doing my next task. i feel like it will never end and have begun avoiding stuff i'm supposed to do.

it's a bad character trait of mine when i am drowning in shit/overwhelmed

slough until the deadline becomes almost impossible to avoid

i've tried to shake it over the years and have gotten better, but it still rears its head sometimes

it's weird though - i have had more on my plate at various times and have taken care of it handily and with good humour

but sometimes i just suck

like now

----

it's one of those things that Smitten keeps telling me

don't agree to do anything you don't want to do. don't allow people to make you feel obligated until you finally give in and do something

----

i have a bunch of stuff to do for a couple of weeks from now for my daughter's ethnic dance group. big festival coming up

i am/have been sloughing a job i should do (volunteer co-ordination)

it will cause problems

i'm aiming to finish the job by late this afternoon/early evening

as usual, i am good at what i do, and should be able to pull the fat out of the fire. but maybe not this time...?

----

i haven't been sleeping well over the last couple of months

the snoring

headaches, muscle problems, fibromyalgia flare-ups

winter sucks too

sucks my soul and my spirit

----

i have little enthusiasm for anything

----

as you know, daughter has been coming over to my place for her weeks with me

stbx has been trying to interpose herself in this.

stbx has been proposing different arrangements to the kids. month on/month off. daughter a week with her and son with me, then switch - so we'd always have a kid with each of us - both kids have rejected that option from the get go.

stbx doesn't want to ever be alone...

stbx has been trying to get me to talk to her. i have been putting her off now that i am aware again of her latest tactics.

i know that some of you (like Sicilian and Smitten) have warned me in the past about allowing myself to be sucked in by her and her methods to get me trapped in discussions - but i am a trusting fool. I also start with the belief that people are sincere - and easily forget and forgive/let go when crossed (how i survive my profession/employment i don't know. Smitten says i willingly self-delude. that as a hopeless romantic and true believer in a better world, that i am unwilling to see the ugly parts of the world around me...

[now it's 2 hours or so after i started this post - i got called out to troubleshoot some systems]

which is strange because i have to wrestle in the muck in a really sordid way every single day in my job function - i'm the [or was - and i guess still am] the opposition research guy. it's my job to be cynical and ugly).

anyway - it always takes me off guard every time she finds a new way to suck me into conversations. i never quite wise up to it until a few conversations in...

i'd like to think that now i will be able to avoid stuff for awhile because i have re-concluded that i will have nothing to do with her for any reason except for "i will drop them off here or there" or "is [son/daughter] there?" on the phone.

----

daughter has been going straight to my apartment after school. sometimes a short stop at the house on the way. she is trying to avoid the stbx. last night they went to the house to watch a movie with son's friend who is still living there...

they said there was something really weird in the stbx's behaviour that freaked them both out. they said she was nicer than usual but there was something really weird they didn't like. they didn't want her around them and her presence caused them serious distress

i asked them about it for some period of time (40 min) in an effort to help tham understand what they were feeling, but didn't make much headway. they were active participants in the emotional examination, because they were trying to figure it out too. but we couldn't. hopefully this doesn't mean she is going to go all murder/suicide on them...

----

i have been headhunted for a job. i am in informal discussions with the folks. it would pay about 30K a year more than i make now. it would be for a one year term, with success based extension possible. it is executive director of a high tech industry association.

i talked to my boss about getting a year's leave of absence from my job and he said he would do it (we [staff] are all watching out for each other's backs as we got through the transition to our new station in life as on office. the client group is a little, um, fickle. we watch out for each other...

----

i need to go home now because now it's hometime

Sweetened Coconut

When we were still co-habitating my stbx would go through these periods of sugar craving. I've talked about it before. She would need alcohol, sweets - chocolate, candy, cookies, sweet fruit bars - whatever.

Sometimes she would desire her drink so bad she would scour the cupboards for whatever she could find. She just had to have one. Because I didn't like her drinking, I wouldn't keep us stocked with any alcohol. There would be a couple of bottles with something in them - Bristol Cream Sherry (for cooking), sometimes that sauterne cooking wine from the food sections, a bottle of home brew her Dad gave me (serious white lightning) - that sort of thing. Nothing that was really a drink you can enjoy.

She would need her drink and she would finally pull out one of those and have a shot. And then bitch at me when I got home that there was nothing to drink or that what she had chosen sucked (the implication being that it was my fault she was not well served). often she would pour herself this drink while she was on her friday off (every two weeks earned day off) and in the middle of a cleaning frenzy. She would announce that she deserved a drink. I have always hated the deserve a drink thing. You either want one or not. It is not a reward or an entitlement. That sort of attitude - deserving a drink - strikes me as someone with a drinking problem.

Did I mention she would never buy alcohol herself? She did a couple of times in the 20 years when we were going to someones place, but otherwise I would be dispatched to buy any booze. Not her.

With sweets she would scour for anything that would fulfill her need. My raisins (cooking) were never safe. Not dates, not dried fruit, not anything. Not even nuts. Hell, she'd even drink the juiceboxes and fruitbars I would buy for the kids' school lunches. Then I'd be short of juiceboxes or have to make an extra unplanned trip to the store to get new ones. That really made me mad - we had a couple of fights about juiceboxes. I figured she could at least be considerate enough to leave me enough for lunches. i would compensate by buying a swack of juiceboxes (then i'd get bitched at because they took up too much room in the pantry...).

Lots of times she would whine or otherwise inveigle me to go out at midnight to the corner store and buy something for her sweet craving.

The kids tell me that things haven't changed and that she still will score their stuff that they have bought for themselves and just eat it. Or that they will beg her to buy something for them - they will have one or two (like twizzlers) and then in the morning or the next day they will discover she has eaten the whole package.

The stbx would either whimper and whine or bag at me when there were no sweets in the house and she had a craving. To be nice to her I tried to make sure we were usually stocked. Then she would rip into me - especially after she gained some weight - that by buying these sweets I was making her fat. That I was to blame. I pointed out she could choose not to eat them. Her response was that I knew she had no self-control when sweets were in the house. I got sick of it and less inclined to buy them for her as things degenerated in our relationship.

Several times she ordered me to not buy anymore sweets because of her weight gain. Then she would get mad "I know I told you not to buy any, but that was then. I want some now."

I actually took a little pleasure in saying no. I told her if she wanted any she could put on her shoes and go buy them herself when she'd try to get me to go for a midnight run. Yeah - she'd do anything to avoid having to go get it herself. Even on shpping trips i would actually have take the stuff she wanted off the shelf and put it in the cart. She just couldn't admit to herself that she wanted/needed it.

Yeah - she would do anything. She'd raid the fridge for leftover rice and the closet for my raisins and make pseudo rice pudding with milk and sugar in the microwave.

There was lots of times she could have made something, but it would have taken time. And when she had a craving she wanted it now. Right now.

One time she had nothing that could be substituted. So she started searching the freezer and finally found a bag of six-month old sweetened coconut (from christmas baking). She pulled it out and started eating that.

----

As a side note, the above behaviour is consistent with addictive personalities and their behaviour. Especially being prepared to take any kind of poor substitute for their need...

----

She called me at work today.

She had gotten the letter from my lawyer about not talking to the kids about suicide or abandoning them.

She was oh so apologetic.

She started telling me how tough she had it and how she knew she made mistakes and blah, blah, blah. That her life was in a shambles since I left and she had no control over her emotion and this and that.

I told her she needed to stop feeling sorry for herself and to start acting like an adult. That it was wrong that she would put the kids in a situation where they would have to call me because they were frightened.

She agreed but then headed off on the difficulties she was having with Son.

He constantly confronts her about her bullshit. Daughter has started doing so as well. stbx is bizarrely erratic and the kids call her on it. In that way they are taking stand where i didn't. I would always try to find some accommodation for whatever. The kids don't. Daughter said to me "I'm just not as nice as you, Dad." Son said "You always try to make things better and worry about other peoples' feelings. I just don't care. If someone is pulling some kind of mass faggotry I call bullshit!" (he's 16...)

Anyway, I was trying to reasonably work through some of the things she was saying about son and her problems. I was trying to make life less difficult for the both of them.

This ended up taking about 45 minutes...

I eventually ended the call because it was really going no-where.

When i got off the call I was in fine spirits and was actually kind of pleased that i had said some of the things i had said. i knew it had gone on a little long, but that is just an automatic by-product of dealing with her, so i didn't think much of it.

I was talking to Smitten on the phone later in the afternoon. I talked to her about some of the conversation, and how it had gone. that i was ok with it all - it hadn't rattled me like most stbx conversations do.

She said that it was positive for me personally that i had said the things that i did, but that she was sorry to say the extended conversation probably fed into the stbx's wants and needs.

i was all "huh?"

Smitten pointed out that the fact that she could keep me engaged and interested in talking to her for that long would have just fed into her needs cycle. that she knew she had been caught out on a major no-no with the lawyers and she was scouting out how i would react. that she was making sure i was still in exactly the place she wanted me - still willing to talk.

that because i was probably the only person in the stbx's whole life who took the time to listen to her and be truly interested in her, that the stbx got plenty of the warm fuzzies she needed from me. and that by keeping me talking she was feeding a need for warm fuzzies that i provide.

that set of statements hit me like a ton of bricks.

because it's true.

and i knew it immediately.

Smitten heard in my voice that i was a little rocked and said "I'm sorry to say these things, but I'm saying them from a professional observant standpoint, not as a girlfriend"

stbx isn't getting it from the guys at work, her family, or boyfriend bob.

she knew from past experience that she couldn't get me to engage on any other issues. only the kids. so that's where she went.

i will quote fromMonday, June 18, 2007 thoughts on garage conversations

i've been trying to figure out why stbx-Mrs_C would still drag me into the garage for those goddamned conversations even though i told her they were killing our marriage and our relationship.

i remember when i told her that in extremely strenuous tones she said (from really fast post, May 12, 2006:

another thing she said the other day - she said: "even though things have been really bad i have felt more connected these last three weeks on an emotional level than i have in years because of the emotional outpouring during our discussions."

then she said:

"i'm almost like a bad kid looking for attention. i'm deliberately provoking clashes because of the intensity of emotion that swirls around them."

that book i got - Surviving A Borderline Parent - talks about people with stbx-Mrs_C's behavioural characteristics. One of the things it talks about is the fact that they cannot generate enough feelings of self-worth within themselves. They rely on others for their feelings of emotional self-worth.

today's conversation?

6 month old sweetened coconut from the freezer

an addict in search of a hit. willing to take any substitute, no matter how poor a substitute it may be

222

that was my weight after working out yesterday

when i started the workout i was 223.1 lbs

yeah - i got back up to about 232-235 from august through christmas. the lead-up to the election. shit in my personal life. slowly stopping regular exercise. the election. the hell that followed losing. thanksgiving and christmas - and all that eating.

i started working out every day since just after christmas. i have gotten a little tighter on what food i am eating.



the beast (AMT) pictured above on this page is my new friend. previously i was in love with the elliptical trainer, but have since discarded that machine as my primary object of desire.

i work out for a minimum of a half an hour every day except thursday (dance lesson night) - even then sometimes i will go work out. i do 300-600 calories (as machine measured) minimum and most of the time do 900 calories a day. i have got myself to the point where i have a comfortable manner of exercising on my home elliptical as well and use it for the days i don't make it to the gym. i am even able to keep discipline when the kids are at my place.



i always liked the non-cross trainer elliptical (without the cross-country ski poles). the motion with the poles/handles just wasn't natural for me.



on the new machine above - the AMT - i like using the poles. i dislike not using them. this is different for me.

i am able to eat a little less paranoiacally. that is a good thing. i can enjoy wine a little more often. and i still lose weight. not as fast as the hard core vegetable and fibre diet originally took me down, but roughly 10 lbs in 5 weeks is nothing to sneeze at.

i was pretty dejected about gaining that much weight after the hard fought battle to get down to about 210. it irritated me when i mentioned my weight gain to my daughter this last fall and she told me that her mother had observed and commented on it - not in a pleasant way - a sneering and denigrating way - you will recall the battles stbx and i had over my diet and exercise when we were still together.

i was pretty dejected during january after restarting exercise and didn't think i was getting anywhere. each weigh in would show no change - until i stopped weighing in some two weeks ago i was worried i was getting fat again. becoming my (self-perceived) unattractive former self. and then poof - yesterday i weighed myself - it was in the afternoon and i had eaten very little during the day instead of being an after supper workout and weigh-in - so thught maybe i'd show a lb or two.

i would describe to you the body loathing i felt, but having known many of you for awhile, i suspect there is enough understanding of that feeling. nothing fit right - i hated looking in the mirror because it would remind me that i had let myself slide towards the loathsome physical being i had previously.

i'm still not very confident body or looks wise (i am only now beginning to believe that maybe Smitten does actually find me attractive).

it was smitten who first made me feel better about myself in this cycle. i was just telling her about the new machine - it's been at the gym for about 6 months and i have slowly drifted toward it. i was talking about how much i hated the poles before but loved them now on the new machine - about how good the motion felt in a body sense. she commented that she could tell because my upper abdomen and pectorals were a different shape - that she knew i was doing something different in my exercise. that made me feel better that something was working (but also a little paranoid that she is "watching me" - i know not in the critical stbx-mrs_c sense, but i'm still freaky from that life)

going every day was a hard grind - and still is to an extent. i am having to adjust my ideas about how my exercise will work - i used to consider the runner's high i would get at around 1hr 10 min to be a big part of the payoff. now i just go. it is all discipline and i only get my "fix" every 3rd day or so when i actually have the full hour hour and a half to commit to a full session (900 calories).

Smitten tells me she admires my dedication to exercising very much. she has begun a personal exercise program herself recently. she says i inspired her.

it's cool to have her able to do it. when i met her she would not have been physically capable of doing the exercise regime she has begun.

when i met her, her SI (sacroiliac joint [SI joint]) was constantly out. she was rarely in for more than a few hours. she was in constant pain. through massage (mine and my RMT). through the physio my RMT refered her to. through the rehab exercises the physio people provided. and through more massage - she is now at the point where she is staying in for a couple of weeks at a time - and we can put her back in through stretches or massage/manipulation. there was period where she was at the chiropractor every day - sometime more than once a day.

now she hasn't seen him for a month - and that was for a stiff neck - not her SI

the acupressure and the "golf ball treatment" i introduced her to (lying/sitting on golf balls to do acupressure) keep her muscles from going over the edge. she always thought it was a bone/spinal thing but we have since worked it through and she now realises it was her muscles spasming that were throwing out the bones.

i am so happy she is better now. it's been a long grind. if there was any payoff for all the pain i endured and all the things i had to learn about muscles and their spasms - it would be the gradual healing of Smitten.

-----

well, that got a little off topic

anyway - i am exercising and losing weight

i love the new machine

i look forward to being able to show off my re-toned abdomen when i am back down to 210. so in april or so - watch out.

cleaning the place

i've been cleaning the apartment since daughter came back. there's little piles of stuff here and there. son's room - the room they have to share (bunkbeds) needed to be re-ordered and have things moved out. i've been throwing out stuff that has accumulated in the last year since son and i became bachelor roommates rather than a family - since daughter went away.

but now that she's back

got to make it "nice". yes - that's my soon to be ex-wife you hear screaming out in that statement. the permanent imprint of her views about what women like has not gone away.

last year sometime - before she left - daughter made a comment about the state of the grouting in my shower. it's 30 year old grout. it's a little yellow. it's not my place - i only ever expected to be there a few months - it's now a year and a half later (that's part of the stbx's design - keep me out of decent accommodations so the kids will think my place sucks and not want to go there. she said it to me and has skirted that statement in arguments with the kids (when they were arguing with her that she should settle with me). she would say things like "why should i help him out?", "if he decided that he didn't want to live in a house anymore and be a family, why should i help him have one", "why shouldn't he feel the pain of the break-up of this family? why should it be all easy for him?", and "why should i give him any of my money? i've already given him enough over the years").

daughter didn't like the apartment. i think. i only know what son said - and the stbx - but i don't trust her. i know that the stbx fed daughter lots of lines and worked her hard on all the negatives about the place, and i know that she probed for everything she could find to make daughter not want to stay there. so when i am reacting the stbx - i am indeed reacting to the stbx - as given voice through my daughter.

i hadn't even thought of it until last night when talking to Smitten who suggested that going back to the counselor might be a good idea. she said that i might need to talk out some issues around the move back in that i may need more freedom in saying than i might have in talking to her (she is a wonderful resource - i try to avoid using her as a counselor, but it's kind of an occupational hazard...). she did not want to dissuade me from talking to her, and said it was not her intention to send me elsewhere - but that there were probably issues that would need to be addressed - like the loss of bachelor status and becoming a Dad again - like the anger that is still so present - that is popping up because of daughter being there. the stories that daughter tells, the feelings she has, the things she talks about - all of it is triggering anger - focused around the stbx. Smitten does not want to go - and i don't go there much - in discussion of some of the issues that surround the stbx and our relationship. she rightly doesn't want to be party to some of the details.

Smitten also suggested a couple of practitioners in town that deal with anger issues and the release of long term anger and suppressed/contained violent impulses.

I am so sick of being angry at the stbx. what a fucking waste of time. i am sick of all the triggers, i'm sick of even thinking about her. i am sick of the influence she still has on my life. it's like a bad smell in your house that just won't go away.

anyway

so, i'm cleaning up my place and making it nicer. i have talked to the kids about it - especially son - and told them that things are different now that we are a family unit and not just two bachelor guys hanging out. that there is a different standard that needs to be attained.

son and i have talked about making the place better before, but it's so easy to slough. if you have food, access to the computers. the bathroom is half-assed clean... and you are oblivious to other stuff, or it just doesn't impact your consciousness. well...

i would clean up when Smitten came over. I would try to keep things up. but son is a walking disaster zone. i'm somewhat better. but son can trash a place in a matter of a couple of days (it takes me a few weeks on non-effort). glasses and dishes everywhere. socks left lying around. clothes dropped wherever.

i try to avoid bitching too much. i don't want to be on the boy's case too much. i hate receiving it and hate giving it.

i have thrown things out. bought some new containers and such. put all the laundry away (it was done but in baskets). i have cleared various surfaces. bought a shredder to shred the inevitable pile of credit card and other receipts and things.

oh - and the grout? it's pretty much white. i used terminally toxic chemicals over a 2 week period to bleach the ass off it. i don't like using harsh chemicals any time, but daughter coming back trumped my toxic chemical unhappiness.

i scrubbed walls and used harsh cleaners on them too.

i bought new sheets and pillow slips.

blah, blah, blah

----

i'm buying daughter more clothes. she said she was going to bring over the clothes that i bought her previously. the idea is to have a supply of clothes at my place so that there is no suitcase lugging. they just walk out the door with their schoolbags and they're a go.

son has a big pile of clothes at my place. until i actually had them all washed and put away, i had no idea of how many clothes i had bought him. when he told me he didn't need any more - he was right...

i bought daughter her own bath sheet. each of us has one. i had one - got one for Smitten (last year). Son saw it, wanted to use it. I said no. Bought him one so that he wouldn't feel put out. Daughter didn't have one (as she hasn't been a permanent fixture), so we went out and bought her one now.

daughter is a little pickier than son on clothes. she wants it all to be a certain style and way. son is a little less picky - not uncaring, but more prepared to say "yeah. ok. let's not shop and go eat" or things in that line.

daughter needs to have a wardrobe that is a style statement.

so

whatever

i'll shop for clothes with her.

she'll have clothes at my place.

and the place will be clean(er).

not a bribe...

on friday i picked son and daughter up at the house.

they came barreling out like they often do when they are leaving with me for any period of time. they are always running to my vehicle like it's their getaway car idling outside the bank.

they pile in and are all "she's nuts. let's get out of here." or similar comments. their mom always goes weird in the moments as they are leaving.

you will recall my discussions about the stbx's bizarre and desperate attempts to intervene and stop me from going exercising, or from taking a break from a gazillion hour discussion in the garage, or even leaving for work on days when she had some "abandonment" vibe going on.

well it's the same thing with the kids heading out the door. their mother was hot and cold, angry and weepy and sarcastic and "supportive", all within seconds of each other for the whole period until i got there to pick the kids up. in the few minutes before they left she was all mad at daughter - and son by extension. you see, i drive up and give a tiny tap on the horn to let them know i am there. i do not like to go into the house or even to the door because the stbx has made that a seriously hostile zone. sometimes she would answer the door and start spazzing on me. if i'm in my vehicle i have an additional layer of armor for her to have to get through. even if there have been times she has come out and started bagging at me through the window - even yelling down the driveway as i'm pulling out (with the kids in the back seat... or not [sometimes - she usually likes an audience for her displays]). also it's colder than hell in the frozen wasteland and i don't feel like getting out of my vehicle if i don't have to. i also hate standing around and waiting, and my kids are inevitably delayed or slow.

this time daughter told me her mom was "fine. leave. go." all cold and rejecting and harsh. and then in the seconds before daughter was going out the door, she goes all weepy and starts crying and says "aren't you even going to give me a hug?" and opens her arms. emotional instability, guilt, leash jerking, and getting even a few seconds more of control over the situation by using the other person's feelings and common decency against them.

[brother-in-law once told me (in the 2 weeks after i left the house) that all you have to do is just ignore their (his wife [stbx's sister], and the stbx, and the other sisters, and the mother-in-law) antics and do whatever you want. i told him that's not how i wanted to live my life, and that did not match my view of how marriages or relationships were supposed to work. he said "then i can see how you let her do it to you"]

that's why the kids fly out of their mother's house like they are running in a prison break.

we pulled away. i quizzed them on whether they were hungry on an immediate basis and they said no. i drove to my first destination - a gaming store. as we arrived son saw where i had parked and said "Hey [daughter], I think I see a bribe in your immediate future."

I explained that this was not a bribe.

I have bribed in the past. I usually declare bribes openly. It makes life easier if I ever need to discuss the implicit understandings of a bribe/quid-pro-quo openly - if the bribe and the nature of the understanding are explicit - then there can be no hidden hurt feelings and less potential for misunderstanding. I have bought books and clothes and other stuff in the past as bribes. I have covered for their mistakes and undone deeds as well. I have described them openly as bribes or "cheesy attempts to gain favour and/or advance my personal agenda." I am thoroughly consistent.

I explain my agendas and intentions and even my tactics in detail to people i am attempting to influence or manipulate. Often including the descriptor "I am attempting to manipulate you with the following intent and projected outcome". Even in my job when i am supposed to be "spinning" the media, i just tell them the spin and it's intent - it is a source of much amusement. i am however, always taken seriously, and nobody particularly mistakes what i say for bullshit. I haven't the time, energy, or inclination to try to be subtle about anything - polite - sensitive - perhaps a little overexplained - but never subtle. I usually get my way (i have usually predicted/anticipated the needs of the other person and melded that into my plan/agenda already), and no one - except for the stbx - has ever accused me of being furtive or devious. My openness was a significant disadvantage in dealing with the stbx... she always knew where i was coming from and where i was going.

the gaming store stop was not a bribe.

we went inside and i told the kids we were getting a factory refurbished PS2 (cheaper) and some used games. you see at christmas time when we were searching for stuff for my nephews i had realised how cheap all the PS2 games were. i eventually ended up paying full price (mutter, mutter) for a PS3 game because my brother had bought them a PS3 for christmas (i found out when i went to confirm whether they had the PS2 game i was going to buy). i tried to buy my brother's old PS2 from him, but he wasn't prepared to give up his investment base in the PS2 at that point.

i had decided then, a month earlier that i would buy a PS2. i explained to the kids that i had chosen to get it that day because daughter had made the choice to come back, and that one of her previous complaints was that it was boring at the apartment and she had nothing to do - son had his computer, but daughter had nothing but TV and books - options that were less than at the house. i explained that i desired to make the place more friendly and accommodating to her renewed residence at the apartment. and that by buying an older system, the overall cost of ownership (especially the games - $5-$10-$15 instead of $40-$50-$60-$70) would be lower than buying a new system (their desire) - and if they didn't like it they could lump it.

they accepted that explanation. or seemed to. the PS2 was declared "not a bribe" and it was so.

after a short stop at my parents and at a bookstore near their place we proceeded to the all-you-can-eat sushi place. i told them that this stop was half bribe/half celebration. they wanted to know how it was bribing. i explained that by going to interesting places to eat instead of the rather mundane/standard cuisine of their mother's choice, that i hoped that time spent in my company would be perceived as more exciting and would offer the possibility of more new experiences instead of the litany of same-old, same-old that their mother offered (one of their complaints about her, her family, and boyfriend bob).

i went on to explain how it was an example of good political positioning. by playing to natural strengths (my positives) and their complaints (negatives) about the "opposition" - i was reinforcing their desire to spend time with me. they laughed. i then went on to give examples of such positioning in the last local election and of how that was playing out in the various primaries occurring now in the U.S.

daughter told me that her mother had said to her "Oh, and I was going to take you for sushi for your birthday. He stole my idea." (yes - really - a quote) at the moment that stbx found out that I was taking daughter out for sushi (discussed in been walkabout) to celebrate her birthday a couple of weeks previous. both kids noted that their mother has refused to make (or allow to be cooked at her house) fish other than batter covered highliner out of the box stuff in the last year and a half since i left. they called bullshit. they also noted that their mother has never discussed sushi except after one of the times i took them and she had disparaging things to say about fish and fish smell.

for the record - except for the eel - sushi and sashimi don't smell. now, the stbx has an almost magical sense of smell (yes - that good), so maybe things are different for her.

(there are people who genetically have a way superior sense of smell. it is theorized that having this ability in small numbers of the total population would be advantageous in a hunter-gatherer survival sense because these people would be able to smell spoilage and such - sort of an early warning system)

anyway - we finished supper, went home and set up the new PS2. only one game out of five worked...

we exchanged the console the next day for a new one.

and it still wasn't a bribe.

daughter's home

this last friday from 3:30pm until about 5pm was perhaps one of the worst periods of my life. maybe an exaggeration, but it was pretty bad either way.

you see, son had called me to tell me that he was going to be hanging out at his mom's place after school - last friday was switchover day between the houses. he wanted to play some game on his mom's computer that the computer's at my place won't run (not new enough). so he wasn't going to go straight to my place after school (he no longer has to pack anything because i have bought him enough clothes and stuff that he is fully equipped at both places).

i asked him whether his sister was ready. he said no - she was out with her mom. he didn't think she was going to be coming over on friday - maybe on saturday. i was flattened. rugged yanked out. in a daze. sick to my stomach (almost puked).

all of those things.

i had built myself up that daughter was really coming back. that she would really be starting to live with me half time again. it's been a long year without her. the couple of weekends and holidays and the sunday morning brunches and stuff just haven't nourished my soul enough.

[flashback]
Daughter spent time at my place over christmas. she spent another weekend at the beginning of january. with her mom fighting it all the way.

daughter had said that she would be coming back. she was supposed to be back two weeks ago, but her mom had allowed her to have a big birthday sleepover, and daughter said she needed to be there to clean and make the place ready or her mom would freak on her (sound familiar?).

daughter was supposed to come over for just the weekend nights and then spend the weekdays at her mom's that week - but mom put the kibosh on that plan by freaking out, laying out heavy bribes, and promoting another sleepover with one of daughter's friends. daughter chose that. pain avoidance and a sleepover. i was disappointed, but lived through it. daughter said that as soon as the birthday was done she would come to stay - that she just didn't want to do anything that would mess up her birthday party - not just making her mom cancel it, but recognising that her mom acting like a stormcloud would ruin her birthday as well - daughter is smart enough about her mom to know that her mother can ruin a day in any number of ways.

on thursday night i phoned over to the house to ask daughter if everything was on track for friday.

the stbx answered. she said "[daughter]'s busy right now. i'll have her call you."

daughter called back a little bit later. i asked daughter if she was free to talk. she said "just a minute, i'll take it on the upstairs phone."

she told me that she had just told her mother that she was for sure staying at my place for the next week. her mother had a complete meltdown all over daughter. said that it was "short notice" and that daughter was "springing this on her" and that it was rude to do tell her just the day before (daughter later remembered that she had told her mother on monday as well).

daughter began to cry on the phone. she wept "i don't know what to do". i told her i wished i was there to hold her. that i knew it must be terribly hard for her, and that i was sorry that she had to be in such a position, and that i would support her no matter what her decision was. and that even if it wouldn't be a good idea to give in to her mother because it would just encourage the freak-outs, that i would understand if she wanted to avoid the short-term pain and decided to split the difference and stay less days at my place. that i didn't want to put any pressure on her - that i knew that was impossible because even discussing the topic of where she would stay was putting pressure on her - but that i wanted it to be as little as possible and as free from recrimination and upset or making daughter feel bad as i could possibly make it.

i kept repeating that whatever her decision was, i would support it. that even if we had to saw off things now to avoid pain, and that even if it made it more drawn out, that i understood that there was only so much that daughter could take - and that sometimes longer drawn out pain is more tolerable than overwhelming short term incidents.

i told daughter i loved her and that i would support her and continue to love her and do whatever i could for her whatever she decided.

we ended the call and it seemed she would still be coming over on friday - but it was still up in the air a little
[/flashback]

back to friday. no matter what the conversation above, it was still a terrible blow to think that she wasn't coming. that the stbx had done it AGAIN. that by freaking out and being an asshole and playing all the emotional games - the anger, the guilt, the crying, the bribes, the everything - stbx had gotten her way - one more time. it was a blow that i wouldn't have my girl back. to just hang out together.

you see daughter and i have done plenty of "dates"

that is what Smitten described them as. she talked about the divorced men she would see (both in a professional psychologist sense and just in her world) who would get their kids for visitation. Dad time was play time. there was no parenting time. no hanging out time. it was a party a minute when it was Dad time because Dad's would be trying to make it the best "quality" time they could.

and Smitten was right. daughter would dress up to impress me. i would try to be shaved and presentable. i would dress in "hip" and fashionable clothes to make her think i was cool. i would make sure i had new music and cool music to share with her. we would do fun - frankly - "date like" things.

Smitten was not criticising - she was observing. she was putting up a warning flag. both for our relationship, and for daughter's developmental progress. daughter associating men and positive male contact with strictly "dating" and "dating scenarios" could put undo expectations on future men in her life. it could warp normal views and relations with men - yes, there is documentation for such conclusions in various journals and publications.

yeah - that's one of the drawbacks to being half-assed self-aware and of dating a psychologist. you have to think about shit like this.

on friday daughter called me as i was leaving work. she told me she was in fact coming to stay for the week.

i was deliriously happy. i was still wrenched at a gut level - the emotion hadn't left me yet. i called Smitten on the way home to tell her how things had worked out (she had called at about 4:30 on her way home). i was able to get past a decent bit of the way i was feeling by the time i picked the kids up.

i was so very happy to have my daughter home.

laundry tips for guys

you know how when you're folding clothes, you sometimes give them a bit of a whip/crack downward to get the wrinkles out?

if you are doing that with an item with a buckle on it - while wearing pajamas

watch that buckle doesn't nail you in the 'nads

you're welcome