thoughts on garage conversations

something that has been trundling around my head for awhile.

this post refers to historical interaction with stbx-Mrs_C. i see a number of places where the she is not that specific. the current tense she is Smitten. most of the past tense she is stbx-Mrs_C...

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i've been trying to figure out why stbx-Mrs_C would still drag me into the garage for those goddamned conversations even though i told her they were killing our marriage and our relationship.

i remember when i told her that in extremely strenuous tones she said (from really fast post, May 12, 2006:

another thing she said the other day - she said: "even though things have been really bad i have felt more connected these last three weeks on an emotional level than i have in years because of the emotional outpouring during our discussions."

then she said:

"i'm almost like a bad kid looking for attention. i'm deliberately provoking clashes because of the intensity of emotion that swirls around them."

that book i got - Surviving A Borderline Parent - talks about people with stbx-Mrs_C's behavioural characteristics. One of the things it talks about is the fact that they cannot generate enough feelings of self-worth within themselves. They rely on others for their feelings of emotional self-worth.

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It was obvious something was bugging me last evening. She didn't push - she will sometimes ask, other times she will wait for me to discuss whatever i am thinking about.

I talked to Smitten about the question of why stbx-Mrs_C wouldn't have listened to me. Without specific context, I first asked her a professional question about the nature of people with self-destructive behaviours and if they knew/know their behaviours were/are self-destructive - and why they would continue if they did.

She said that it usually involved a form of denial - that even though they may recognise a problem (which she says they either don't truly internally recognise - and just pay lip service to others' complaints), they think they can handle it. Like the alcoholic who quits for a week to prove they can stop drinking - or smokers who will quit for a little while.

I told her that i was thinking about what stbx-Mrs_C had said, and about why she kept on pushing me into those conversations. Smitten response was "Because you went. Because you didn't say no. It worked before, and it fulfilled some kind of need she had."

I could not wrap my head around how someone could be told that the behaviour was destroying the marriage and would still do it.

We some discussion and I arrived at a few conclusions - or rather collated a couple existing conclusions:

• stbx-Mrs_C is an emotional junkie - she needs her fix


• she is so torn up and hurt inside from what has happened to her in her life that she needs constant reassurance of her self-worth

• stbx-Mrs_C did indeed feel a sense of connection when we were talking


• she used to like to have me hovering around or "attending" on her - always needing to be the centre of my attention


• i suspect that she felt that me paying utter attention to her, to her emotional state, to the subject of our marriage made her feel that i cared

postulate: i may have made the conversations worse by saying it could kill our marriage.

if i was still willing to go out and have the discussions, even after saying how damaging the discussions were, then that must mean i care even more.

do you see what i mean? if i was prepared to walk 5 miles to see her it means i care. but if i'm willing to walk through sniper alley in a war zone to see her, i must REALLY care.

and, assuming that my view of her as being able to only poorly internally generate feelings self-worth - those conversations must have been a serious emotional crack hit. i would throw away everything else to have them - kids, work, house stuff, exercise, etc.

it would then be a "game" to see if she could ratchet up the volume high enough to get me to engage - in order to prove to herself once again, that i cared

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just some thinking