what is the source of the tension and malaise?

[the day after most of this was written i have gotten a good night's sleep and directly addressed a situation where there could have been a collision and i feel better now. this post still informs what is going on my head so i will post it, even though i am no loger feeling quite as ucky]

there's something taking a chunk out of my spirit. i don't know whether it's the weather, lack of sleep, disrupted sleep, or whatever.

it all really started after the head bump described in kinda cranky with Smitten

there were a few more minor issues (in my own head) before then, but that is the first real event of note.

other issues before:

1) i find the need to spend each bit of free time together when we don't have kids a little difficult. i have stuff i need to do.

i need to go exercise, and i need to do laundry, and i need to do dishes. i don't have in suite laundry and no dishwasher. i can't just dump a load and run. i have to be there when it finishes the load (i haven't followed up on the laundry service). i need to exercise, but i feel the same pressure to make it shorter that i felt with stbx-Mrs_C. that even though there is an explicit statement of support for the effort, i feel an underlying message of "hurry up" and "this takes away from our time together" and of disappointment when it goes too late. you see, if i leave work at 5:30pm (which i often do) and get home 20 minutes later - bathroom, meal prep, and eating later it is about 7 when i ready to go work out. that means it is after 9 when i am done (2 hour workout) and then i need to shower as well. i feel a lot of pressure because of the disappointment i perceive in having a short evening together. if i were to tell that to Smitten she would say that she understood and was fine with it. i don't believe her. there is a tone in her voice and such that i believe betrays disappointment.

2) i also need some self time. if i don't have Smitten, I've got son. I get Monday night every two weeks to myself - she has her daughter on mondays when it is our kidless week.

3) she sends emails all through the day. that's ok. it was a pattern that was set early in the relationship and i'm ok with the contact, but it also takes time and focus while i am at work. lso, if i tell her everything that i'm doing all day, what the hell is there to talk about that evening. because she likes to have a conversation at bedtime. she says she feels good when she talks to me. that makes me happy, but at times it's more than a little constricting. every night at 9:30 or so i talk to her before bed... it bugs me a little

sometimes i don't feel like talking

i know that if i said that i was busy or didn't want to, she'd be fine - but there's this expectation that i perceive that isn't sitting well with me.

4) she is a little less than "collaborative" in her wishes for how things will work, sometimes.

i will never be dictated to again.

as mentioned in It rolls on (part 2) we had a little rub that day too. there was also a minor collision unreasonable anger, trigger, my jaw hurts and i have a headache there are moments when i feel like i'm missing the option of choice.

----

after stbx-Mrs_C and Smitten had the clash at the kids ethnic dance concert in December 2006 - the first time they ever encountered each other - stbx-Mrs_C said to me afterwards "You think I'm bad at telling you what to do...? Man, she's a piece of work. She'll be all nice for awhile and then she'll start giving the marching orders."

(i can't find any reference to that clash in my archives, so i will give an overview at the end of this post)

Yeah - i know the source. But the suggestion is insidious. I trusted stbx-Mrs_C's views on people for a long time. She has always had a pretty good handle on people from first impressions. As a kid who was abused i suspect that it was a survival skill to be able to read people really fast... I know she's twisted and has a vested interest in tilting my view of Smitten - but the comment still plays in my head. Especially since she would have nothing else to source that from. She could have said a whole lot of things - but she said that. And then i hear about Smitten running the whole show with her husband.

----

lat december at the christmas ethnic dance show stbx-Mrs_C came over to where we were sitting. Smitten's kids were with us, and both of my kids were there as well. they had split their sitting time between each of us.

stbx-Mrs_C walked up, looked and said "I'm his wife. You know - the one he's married to." I cut in quick "There are children here, this is hardly the place for this." stbx-Mrs_C said a little more and left.

Smitten was pissed and wanted to say something in reply. she was incensed at that kind of a "drive-by" with the kids around. we had the kids stay in a place and went to just say that this was out of line. my instinct at the time was to let it go, but Smitten was pissed - and not going to let it go unconfronted as a behaviour. as she put it - these kind of people do a drive-by and normal decent people are left just standing there dumbstruck at the sheer audacity and poor taste of what has been done.

Smitten told her what she thought. stbx-Mrs_C tried to cut her off. Smitten told her "Don't cut me off - i'm talking - you got to say your pice a few minutes ago." it escalated qucikly, stbx-Mrs_C got really loud - there were a lot of people around. she started saying wild and carazy shit. she started telling Smitten that we had slept together recently and stuff like that. it was pretty wild.

anyway - in a comment after that stbx-Mrs_C said her deal. it lurks around my head.

----

the emotional blech that prompted both of these last two posts is gone.

i'm still posting this because it will provide clues on my thought train