tension about the park barbeque

as mentioned in It rolls on (part 2) there was a little tension the day we went to the park for the barbeque with the kids.

i was out with daughter doing the Cousin M art show. i had discussed with daughter Smitten's idea of a barbeque in the park. daughter was game and suggested a location in the park. a location daughter liked.

i was speaking to Smitten on my cell phone about things and she was short with me about the idea of moving the spot to the other location. even with just the proposal. she humoured me a little, but in the end just said she wanted things the way she had planned.

i was a little unhappy with that. i told her that i thought that the decision making was a little less than "collaborative". she said that if daughter ever comes up with the suggestion that there should be a day in the park, and picks the location and activities than daughter can do that, and that Smitten would follow along, but that she had some things in mind and what about the consideration for her ideas.

true enough

i let it drop

but it still bugs me. if she was putting it together, then fine. but being as i had gone out and scored the chicken and a bunch of other stuff for the event - and i didn't really want to do a picnic in the park - i figured i might have a little say in things. i was also less than happy because i was running down on money and had to spend part of my end of the month reserve paying for her fucking idea.

i don't care for the idea of alternating command. sometimes you're in charge and sometimes i'm in charge. no. i like always inclusion. one person can have lead, but room for other suggestions. i guess she didn't want to put me off immediately and that's why she humoured me for a little while, but if this was such a hard and fast plan it should have been presented as such in stead of as a tentative plan like she did (at first) when she suggested the whole deal.

also, i was having some time with my daughter, on my weekend with my kids, and Smitten was horning in on my time with my daughter by suggesting all this group shit. i was reveling in the fact that my daughter wanted to spend time with me, and not with mom and grandma. that she was tired of bob and just wanted family around. me around.

but Smitten has an agenda of normalising relations between her and daughter. and that's fine.

and Smitten doesn't want to be "run by an 11 year old" or "dictated to by an 11 year old" and sees some of daughter's behaviour as a reflection of stbx-Mrs_C and thinks it ought to be cut off at the pass [later edit: those quotes are from a few months previous, not that conversation]. Buddha Girl made a comment about that a long time ago on the likelihood of daughter being more manipulative as a result of the role modeling she would observe from stbx-Mrs_C. Smitten worked with troubled kids and young offenders, and BG works with school kids. I think HippiChick (again school/kids) made the same observation from professional experience. i respect that viewpoint and that experience.

but Smitten still pissed me off. sure - i'm sucking up to my daughter a little. i want her to feel like she has some say in things. i want her to want to come back to me. i miss my daughter so much it literally makes me cry.

and it stuck in my craw that i thought Smitten was getting in the way in between my child and myself.

and it stuck in my craw that i felt dictated to. that i was doing running around and spending cash i didn't feel like i had, and then i got no say. that bugged me. still bugs me.

when we were at the park i was pretty quiet, and just did what i do. get food and stuff ready, make sure everyone has enough to eat and then eat. the oters all wandered off and ended up finishing alone. Smitten came back and said that she was sorry that i had to eat alone (she is aware that it bugs me). i said "whatever" and cleaned up the site. it also irritated me that i had to go get the dog from the house (and encounter stbx-Mrs_C) and daughter just ditched the dog.

i was happy that she was not wholly wrapped up in the dog, but irritated that i had to watch the dog.

the tension of things dissipated as the evening went on and it was fine by later, but is was a set of sour notes.

Smitten called me the next day or so and told me how much she appreciated me just handling things with supper. she said that in her previous life she had to do it all - planning, prep, and execution.

well, that happened with stbx-Mrs_C too. she would get some idea and then give me shit when i didn't do it exactly her way. i just pulled back from my enthusiastic action with her too.

i have wondered if Smitten's husband wasn't the way he was because she was bossy as shit. and i wonder whether it isn't coming out now.

i'm not going to be bossed either.

anyway

that should shed a little light on some things. i've started another post on some of these subjects and realised i should tell this story for background.