the house, the shit, tossing my dad from my office, and my shoulder (part 1)

haven't had much inspiration lately. just no energy. the emotional toll of bringing the issues out and really saying what i think would have been too much.

that's one of the things about blogging, about journaling, about actually living my emotions. before i could ignore them. now i am making an effort to live my emotions. to actually experience them and consider them - like flavours in food - the subtle differences between varieties of a spice - the subtle differences in the shades of colour

the exhaustion - it's like a person who has been confined to a hospital bed. their muscles atrophy. their exercise is much more draining than an athlete that has years of activity and mind body connection.

the exhaustion - i have such a desire to escape everything. it's not that it's hard work, it's just so messy and not straightforward to have to deal with stbx-Mrs_C on all of this. what is it about her that turns everything into an excruciating ordeal?

we are selling the house now.

i called her up and told her that in the feverish housing market we are in right now that we needed to work together to make sure we both didn't end up getting screwed. that in this whole situation there was a scenario where we both can end up in a good position.

she freaked.

she freaked because one of the things i pointed out was the insane price the house next door had just sold for.

she freaked because she didn't actually listen to what i said

she interpreted my words as i wanted to screw her out of money. or she willfully misinterpreted so as to force me to appear to be forcing her to do what she really wanted which was to sell the house

i believe her agenda was to cut a deal with me that saw me take a partial cut on the house and then she would roll it over and buy a new place herself with a larger share of equity than i would have.

she's been talking to the kids about selling and getting a townhouse/condo since last year.

i made her repeat the words back to me, she said "you are trying to tell me that you want to work together to make sure we both don't get screwed in this market"

then she just spazzed and said "i can't afford anything more than i've already agreed to... [freak, freak, freak]"

i'm saying "i'm not necessarily asking for more money, i'm trying to ask you if you are willing to work together to have a mutually beneficial outcome. it could be something like me taking a part payment right now, or using part of the line of credit and staying in my apartment until the market stabilises or something"

she says "i've always been willing to work with you that's why i offered to give you a down payment on a house out of the home equity line of credit last year while housing prices were still OK, and speed the divorce so we could have been done by december!"

i say "oh right... if i agree to say i was committing adultery"

she screams "BUT YOU WERE!!!"

i hang up

she calls awhile later and leaves a message with my son (real appropriate) that she thinks i'm trying to screw her out of more money and am forcing her out of the house that she was staying in just for the sake of the children. and that she wants to sell.

i don't call her back.

she leaves a voice mail saying much the same thing, and saying we should sell, and saying it's up to me to make all the arrangements. she awaits my plan...

typical

she freaks, she delays, she causes trouble and drags her feet and then when it's really time to deal with an issue, drops it in my lap so she can watch from the sidelines and tell me what a shitty job i'm doing.

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you know the business i'm in

some groupings to understand:

us/light

them/dark

big brains/manager/wanna be bureaucrats...

warrior caste/true believers/idealogues

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it's been a mortal combat with the other guys/forces of darkness week. as we edge closer to the final conflict (for at least this 4 year cycle) the combat people (like me) are being put in charge more than the "manager" types who usually run things.

after having been running things for the better part of 2 decades, the "manager" type thinks that they are there because it is their right, and also starts to think that management and the institutional imperative is more important than what the people desire. and their policy sucks - from a public perspective. sound fiscal management is important to keeping things running but is hardly sexy with the public.

because we have reflected institutional interests instead of "combat" interests and the public's interests lately our ratings suck

because panic is setting in among the cool kids/manager types, people like me (the "break open in case of emergency types"/"fanatic warrior types") are being asked to take the lead in decision making.

we are in seriously shit shape, but have the better part of half a year left to try to salvage our situation.

this last week the other guys coughed up a huge opening. i'm going negative, going hard. got them running for once.

the big brains that got us to our current situation have tried to put their fingers in, but i/we have slapped them back. it is working so far. the big brains don't like the fact that their dire situation has caused them to have to cede control to the warrior caste for even a few months.

i'm feeling a lot of pressure because i'm directing our "offensive" and i don't want to fuck it up. we need the win really bad - especially this issue. i've also got both internal and external foes who are willing to pounce on any misstep.

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my Dad came by one day. Dad is former warrior caste (you can never really leave it). he is a true true believer. he stills wants to remain in the game. he was in both support and "the client group", and was always a true believer

he has some pet issues and always has to tell me about them and pressure me to get something done about them. one day he dropped by. my shoulder was out (strained during exercise) - had been for a couple of days. i was in excrutiating pain. he insisted on blathering about his issues even though i was in the middle of a big play.

i listened patiently. he was done. i was waiting for him to leave.

he tells me that my mom is pissed about $40 i borrowed at the end of the month and have forgotten to repay. i thank him for reminding me and explain i will be by later to pay her.

then he launched into all the stuff i would have to do to get the house ready for sale. i could not cope with any more. stbx-Mrs_C, the house stuff, the school calling about son and him being dropped from a second class (another on he is/was failing), the work pressure (serious pressure), and truly excruciating pain in my shoulder - and he starts in on lecturing me about what i have to do to prepare the house

i cut him off and say "there's only so much time i can spend on personal matters at work. you'll have to go now." and stood up.

he took the hint and left.

he raised it with me when i was over later and said he wants to talk to me about it, and that he isn't happy about how he was treated.

he has left me alone for the time being, and we have yet to discuss it. i intend to write down some notes to explain how i feel

he always has some issue that he picks up, contrives, or honestly needs to harass me about. he always has some way of making me feel either obligated or under the gun.

he is always perfect at the "things that matter" (finance, personal organisation, remembering shit to do). he still has his notebooks full of his personal accounts dating back to the late 1940s. his paid bills/records dating back at least 20 years. other stuff he has handed over to the public archives for them to store (yes even his personal books/bills and accounts are desired items by the archives). his dad's stuff is there too...

me - i've tended more to focus on relationship stuff like cooking, feelings, helping out, blah, blah, blah. so Dad always has something to criticise me about. i'm never fucking organised enough for him. and even if i'm hanging on and am half-assed balanced, he'll score me hard on some planning for the future shit i should be doing.

anyway, i tossed my dad from my office. now i need to tell him how he makes me feel because while i may apologise for hurting his feelings, he's not going to leave the conversation without me expressing how he makes me feel.

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more later. it's 5:22pm and i need to drop son off at his mom's and meet up with Smitten.