son's friend is staying at the house with mrs_c (and with son and daughter the week they are there) (family breakdown with son's friend. short story: he has fundamentalist christian parents that were getting weirder by the week. they actually said that my son and their son were "loners" who were the kind of kids who would end up taking a gun and shooting up a school... why? because both kids play videogames and the science fiction wargames Warhammer 40,000. for the record, both boys are highly social and are described as well adjusted [if a little geeky] by their teachers and guidance counsellors. Son's friend's parents' response to everything is to scream at their son. They're weird. They're psycho loony fundamentalists). he has been staying there for about a month now.
son's friend brings out this note and gives it to me.
it's from mrs_c. we had an argument on sunday right before supper that i walked out on. i had gone with son to pick up something he forgot. mrs_c was still trying to get me to come home, and but still slagging me... she's fucked. she was trying to convince me our marriage could work.
the note (verbatim as written):
"If you look your childern in the eye and say I did everything possible to save this relationship you haven't earned the right to end it"
i think i know what she was trying to say, but i'm not sure.
in the conversation Sunday night mrs_c said she was going for full custody of both children, starting with daughter.
she says she's "documenting".
i think it's idle, but i'm taking no chances. more on that and lawyer stuff later.
i think that "documenting" is one of the reasons she phones the apartment many nights to "say good night". I think she is trying to document if i am leaving the kids by themselves - specifically daughter (10). That is why she phones on Mon/Wed/Fri especially (my exercise days).
I said my speculation out loud. My daughter said "Then I'm just not telling her whether you are there or not." then she said "If it goes to court, do I get a say?"
I told her yes.
Daughter told me mrs_c, aunt, and grandma had told her i was replacing my family with Smitten's family, and that i didn't care about my own children anymore because i would be spending all my time with them.
i told her that was a lie. a flat out lie. i told her i had only met Smitten's kids the day before (more on that further down).
Daughter asked to meet Smitten.
we all did lunch at a chinese food place on Sunday. Smitten and her 2 kids, and me and mine.
it was fun - everyone had a good time. my kids said they liked Smitten and her two kids.
i actually met Smitten's kids on Saturday (the day before the above).
My kids were with friends. i was talking to Smitten - she has some mice in her house - and she had caught a couple and they were well splattered. She was a little grimmed out by it all. Being a manly man trying to impress i volunteered to take care if the business. She accepted.
I went over and dealt with the brain splatters and such.
I met the kids (boy 11, girl 8).
I gave them the coins i had gotten for them and we blabbed for some time. We got along well. They liked the coins. It also gave us something to talk about. They asked me a billion questions about ancient rome and history and a whole pile of other stuff. the vacuum started quickly (I have been told by many that I am a natural teacher).
They told their Mom I was the smartest person they'd ever met.
[heh]
Smitten said "Except for your Mom, right?" They said "Even smarter than you, Mom!"
Smitten's not sure how happy she is about that ;-)
Mrs_c is promulgating the theory that i have been having an affair for 5 years. My kids told me about it.
I showed them the messages (all "G" rated) on the online dating service (as you are aware, i had shown them my profile and discussed the issue with them) setting up the initial date - messages that made reference to it being a first date and the messages talking about a second date.
I asked them if they thought I was the kind of guy that would go through the process of setting that kind of groundwork for an elaborate lie of that level of detail. That would think that far ahead and plan at that kind of level for some future ploy or bizarre contingency.
They thought for a bit and said "Yes" (in unison).
Smartassed troublemakers!
(daughter just about peed herself laughing when they answered together without prompting)
Then they said that they didn't believe that I would actually try to deceive them at that kind of level.
I also told them that at some time they could slip the question to Smitten's kids about when we met. And that unless they were prepared to accept a bizarre conspiracy theory, and accept that an 8 year old girl could be pulled into that conspiracy... that they could get validation of the timeline there as well.
Daughter would like to get together with Smitten and kids again. Son is 14... "huh, what? what? huh? oh, ok, yeah. will there be food?"
(somewhat of an exaggeration)
My kids have said they think their Mother is losing her mind. That they believe she is unstable.
son doesn't want to go to the inlaws for christmas.
more later - see you
18 comments:
"If it goes to court, do I get a say?"
I told her yes."
yet, not too long ago, you said,
"Daughter's ostensible wish to live full-time with her mother.
No
Won't happen. Not even if daughter requests it. This is one instance where I am overriding my child's wishes..."
Giving children of divorcing parents mixed messages is quite harmful. If you will give her a say if only she agrees with you, that is not really giving her a say, is it?
Oh, nice plot twist that a boy of fundementalist is living in the house you said would not take boarders. Interesting that in a month this is the first mention of him. Is your hatred of Christians that shallow?
Mrs. C just won't let up, will she?
I'm so glad your children are so well adjusted and pleasant.
You did a good job with them, Cad. :)
Cad, I have not commented on any of this: smitten, mrs c. or the kids.
But I have to say this.
These are CHILDREN. I feel that you are taking this too far with them. I think you are going too deep into the whole thing with them.
For one thing...this is their mother. Regardless of the fact that you cannot stand her... she is still their mother.
And so she is documenting? so what.. that is her right.
Don't you think it is possible that she might just be calling at night to say GOOD NIGHT? Why does everything have to be a conspiracy???
I am also in awe that your children say things like "they think their mother is losing her mind" and "That they believe she is unstable." Those are really deep, big thoughts for a 10 and 14 year old to come up with.
"son doesn't want to go to the inlaws for christmas." well... there are not too many teens who are big into family gatherings.. I know this as I have three teens myself.lol.
Anyway.. these are my thoughts.
anonymous: there is no inconsistency. she doesn't get to say where she lives. she does not determine where she lives.
if it goes to court, the court wil give her a say. not the say.
at that point - when it is in court, the decision will be entirely the judge's.
the friend of son is not a boarder. he is staying at the house while things get sorted out. the decision was mutual between mrs_c and i that we would provide him with shelter. i am paying part of the cost of his food.
also, your quoting of me is selective. i said "I say that we will need to discuss it first - I don't want a stranger in the house with the kids."
the friend is not a stranger, not a boarder, and it was discussed between us.
first mention? i wasn't under the impression that i was under any kind of reporting requirement on this blog.
hatred of christians? hmmmmmm...
i'm a christian. my parents are both christian. my brother and sister and all their kids are christian. my wife and all her family are christian.
i'm a knight of columbus. so was my dad, and his father before him.
my lifelong hero (now deceased) was a baptist minister.
hatred of christians? i doubt it.
irritation with fundamentalist extremists of all stripes? pretty high.
BP: no mrs_c seems that she will never let up. even if she was just going for custody and all that i could work with it. but this irrational notion that we could salvage the marriage after all the water under the bridge and the serious slagging she has done with her family...? not to mention my relationship with Smitten.
it couldn't be put back together.
yeah, i'm glad my kids are who they are. i couldn't ask for more than they are.
Sandi: when mrs_c brings things up with the kids, or says something in front of them, or makes accusations about me to them, or they ask me direct questions i am straight with them.
i don't think they should have to deal with lots of this stuff, but if it lands on them i refuse to divert. they don't get the icky details but they do get straight answers. better the truth.
yes she's documenting. the context was documenting to take my children away from me.
and as for the conspiracy... maybe you are right. maybe i am paranoid. maybe she is just calling to say goodnight. my experience has taught me that any time i take something at face value with mrs_c i get burned.
my kids use phrases like "losing her mind" and "unstable"
both of my kids speak 3 languages.
they are both in extended learning programs. daughter tests out at grade 9-12 levels in the testing they did of her. she is in grade 5.
son test out at university level. he has since grade school. he is in grade 10.
that's just who they are.
My kids have said they think their Mother is losing her mind. That they believe she is unstable.
You know...I dont care what kind of "extended learning programs" your kids are in, the fact remains that this woman is their mother that they(you) are talking about and even IF they said such a horrible thing, it should NOT be encouraged on your part, ALLOWED to be said, or repeated here! I think that is just as bad as if they said she was a big, fat bitch, or something!! No matter WHAT bad feelings I may have about my husband I would NEVER EVER let my kids talk badly about him, NOR would I talk badly about him TO them. That is just low. I'm sorry, but being a Mother that just hit me in the deepest part.....my heart.
I am so sorry that you are going through tough times, Cad....but she is THEIR mother and they need to show respect TO her and when in referencing ABOUT her. ANd if you are encouraging such horrible talk, then that is pretty freaking LOW (AKA SHITTY!) on your part and extremelydisrespectful!!!
Now....go on and rip me a new asshole people. I really dont care!!!
1) this blog is not me in front of my kids
2) i'm tired of telling them to respect their mother
i do it very regularly
i ask them to not bash their mother. i say things like "This is not a Mom bashing party."
i list all the good things their mother does for them, and all the good qualities she has. i remind them that she loves them almost every day.
something that is NOT reciprocated, by the way (perhaps another reason they slag her).
at some point Mrs_C has to earn their respect as well as demand it.
the kids don't hand me the guff they hand her. i am consistent. i am fair. i am decent. i am patient. i am loving, and i listen to them instead of just telling them things like "I AM YOUR MOTHER, YOU WILL RESPECT ME!!!"
maybe she should have stopped trashing me and spent more time showing her love to them.
maybe she should have taken a little more time off work and attended a few more school concerts and kindergarten plays like i did.
maybe she should have made them food when they were hungry instead of telling them they were obsessed with food or fat (which they are not)
maybe she should have challenged the teachers who were shitting on them at their schools, and called the parents of the kids who picked on them instead of siding with those teachers and kids' criticisms (teachers who were let go and transfered, and kids who got suspended after MY intervention).
maybe if she did a few of those things she would have earned their respect.
will me trying to enforce some kind of false truth on them make it any better, or should i try to address the situation as the reality it is.?
----
oh, right
and maybe, her family shouldn't shit on me every time they are around my kids. my parents don't do it. they stay carefully away from the separation issues.
my parents, with the exception of not inviting her for thanksgiving dinner when i was not there, have provided support and assistance to my wife during this period.
in fact mrs_c's father is having medical issues and she called my mother (former nurse/medical officer) for information and advice on how to handle the situation and on how to deal with her mother and family who were in denial about the various medical conditions facing her father (memory and diabetes)
my mother has invited her over and given her coffee and food at their home.
mrs_c's mother won't even talk to me. she won't let me in the door. and says truly evil things about me in front of my children.
----
so maybe if mrs_c and her family earned that respect they would get it.
my kids aren't stupid, and it would cause them to lose respect for me if i didn't deal with the issues straight up
Well, this just seems like a game of who it better to me. Again, I am so sorry you are going through this...but you really seem bent on just being the better person here. I said nothing about her family. I was talking about you and your kids and their lack of respect for their mother. I guess I am done here, Cad. Good luck with this.....but you can't expect to say a lot of this stuff and NOT have people disagree with you. Or maybe it is the people who do agree with you that you really want to hear from. I hope you find your perfect life soon.
Wow. Lots of fear here.
I don't understand why all these people think they have some sort of vested interest in your life.
I don't understand why they think they have the right to tell you if you're doing something right or wrong.
I don't understand why they don't just talk from their own experience when they've dealt with similar things.
IF they've dealt with similar things.
A good friend of mine is a retired firefighter in his 70's. He went through a lot of the same issues you (and I) are going through. He had a relatively nasty custody battle to fight a few decades ago.
I don't know how they do it in your neck of the woods, Cad, but over here, the children generally do have a say in custody decisions.
When his daughters were interviewed in the custody process, they asked him "What do you want us to tell her?"
"The truth," he answered. "What I want you to say, or what your mother wants you to day, doesn't matter. Tell them the truth as you see it."
Fortunately for me, my wife has pretty much recognized her instability. She did mention once, briefly, that she would like to have one of the kids live with her, but she hasn't mentioned it again.
In my situation, I have to be the strong one, the sane one, the one who lets things bounce off of him. It ain't easy. I'm guessing you can relate.
I'm pulling for ya!
Yeharr
chelle: there is no issue of "better"
respect should be earned. it can also be lost. i am giving examples of where respect has been lost by the kids for mrs_c and why the kids would say some of the things they do.
i have worked hard at being a good parent. something i take pride in, and something i have dedicated a lost of time efort and soul into.
i earned my kids' respect. i don't have to demand it. they give it freely.
----
pirate: the rule/law here is "maximum access for both parents"
in the event that one parent wants sole custody they have to show that the other parent is unfit.
unfit - as in abusive or grossly negligent to the children.
otherwise it is maximum access. that usually translates into joint custody.
the kids would be asked about abuse and negligence and that's about it.
after the age of 12 they get to decide where they live. the parents have some additional rights about access and visitation in the face of the child's decision up to age 14.
then it is the child's decision, but with visitation rights for parents.
Wow. Lots of fear here.
Pirate, darlin'....I am NOT afraid of anything. Watch your words.
Cad...I'm sory you have become so hostile and bitter. Best of luck to you.
chelle: did I mention your name? watch your ego.
yeharr
"i ask them to not bash their mother."
Don't ask. Tell them. Punish them for misbehaving. You are suppose to be their father. Stop trying to be their best chum.
"This is not a mom bashing party."
They hear crap like that, and they know you don't mean it. You need to say things like, "I will not tolerate you saying anything negative about your mother." It would help to add, "She is a woman I loved, and when you say something negative about her, you insult me."
You now claim to be a Christian, it is time to act like one. Instruct your kids on the "Honor Thy Mother" part of your faith. They will respect you more for being tough on them when it comes to relationships.
Since when do the Knights of Colombus allow their members to go against the Church teachings on divorce? Quite interesting sect you have there.
You did a nice job of deleting the posts that contain your comments concerning your relgious non-beliefs. Your intolerance towards people who do not share your view is amazing.
Can you honestly say, "I believe Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins." A Christian never has trouble saying it. A Christian never places limits on his faith. A Christian is an extremist in his faith of the Savior.
hey dipshit anonymous:
shows your knowledge of catholic theology.
there is no prohibition on divorce in the catholic church
there is only a prohibition on remarriage
Caddy~ when are you going to change your comments to registered users only?
I don't want to go to the inlaws for Christmas either?! ;)
"Divorce is a grave offense against the natural law," according to the Catechism (2384). "Divorce does injury to the covenant of salvation, of which sacramental marriage is the sign."
Catholics cannot remarry after a divorce because to the church you cannot divorce. These are the words from the Pope, not me.
Care to say the Pope is wrong?
Or does your Catholic Church no longer recognize the Pope in these matters?
The divorce you get is a civil dissolvement, not a spiritual one. As a good Catholic Christian, you know all of this of course. And since you know this, what does this make of your sexual relationship to Ms_S?
You really do hate Christians, don't you? Having beliefs and faith messes up what you want to do. It is alright if you admit it. People have hated us since that starry night in a little manger.
We all noticed you could not bring yourself to type that "I believe Christ died on the cross for my sins." What is the problem if you are my brother in Christ?
Oh Cadbury...don't let these people get to you.
You know anonymous...I used to go to church, but I quit because of judgemental people like you.
REMEMBER ANON......
Jesus said to his fellow Jews, "Stop judging, that you may not be judged. For as you judge, so will you be judged, and the measure with which you measure will be measured out to you. Why do you notice the splinter in your brother's eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, "Let me remove that splinter from your eye," while the wooden beam is in your eye? You hypocrite, remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your brother's eye." (Matthew 7:1-5)
So do the christian thing and let up on him. I don't think anyone of us can claim to be perfect and I'm sick of you chastising this man.
WOW, did I have some catching up to do....
Wishing you all the luck in the world!
Cad: I don't know about anybody else who leaves comments here, but I've been on both sides of this issue.
My ex-husband and I went through a lot of shit in the early years of our divorce. The fact that he choose to take a job in Saudi Arabia and only see his children once a year (if that) was a major part of that problem. He actually went 7 years without seeing them. Missed high school and college grads ...not to mention all the little things in a kid's life.
I tried not to say anything negative about him. But I really didn't have to. His absence spoke for itself. he thought that the child support he paid should be enough.
Sweet Man's ex-wife made our lives a living hell at times. She talked shit about him to his kids all the time. Said things to them like: "we'd be better off if your daddy had died. it would be less embarrassing to us." we know this b/c Sweet Man's daughter told us. His son went a year without speaking or seeing his dad. He sided with his mom. Son was 11 years old at the time.
Regardless of what anyone on here says~everyone's situation is different. No one lives your life but you and knows your reality except for you.
Mrs C. reminds me of Sweet Man's ex in a lot of ways. The main one being: not appreciating what you have until it's gone. Mrs C. is an adult. She can take care of herself.
You continue to take care of yourself and your children.
{{{hugs}}}
Pissy
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