Hey Michelle, thank-you for your comment. You are always welcome here. Critical commentary is always welcome. I look to the people who read and comment on this blog for clarity. I refer to the collective as my Jiminy Cricket. I REALLY do want to hear every side of things, even if it may go against the grain. NEVER worry about the sort of comment you make - you are polite and have well thought out ideas. Please continue to post your comments freely.
I want to answer your reasonable and well put questions. My answer(s) may seem excrutiatingly precise and potentially pointed - they are not aimed at you, but rather at once again re-affirming to myself that I have a clear rationale for my choice to leave, and for my views about Mrs_C's behaviour.
To restate on my deletion policy:
I only delete when someone gets rude and/or ugly personal. I have spent a big chunk of my life since age 13 chairing meetings. If something that is posted on this blog goes way past what I would allow in debate as a chair, then it may be deleted. If a person is consistently nasty or crosses the ugly line - they get deleted - like a ban on speaking in a public meeting. Anonymous/blog_surfer is the only person I have deleted anything from.
I am completely up for getting shit, or opposing views. Everyone will find both all across this blog. If blog_surfer wants to take his tone down a notch or three away from deliberate ugliness and provocation and actually wants to engage in critical discussion, then he is welcome to participate. I have actually responded on a number of occasions to salient points blog_surfer has made in his comments, even after deleting his post as being over the line in tone or on a personal level.
As for some historical elements to the one-sided nature of this blog, I refer everyone to the following posts:
Where Do I Begin?
Sucking Up and Kissing Ass
Mrs_C Gets Some Floor Time
It does take two to make or break a relationship, and I did plenty of damage to mine over the years. As any partner does I think.
I believe Mrs_C stepped over that line.
I believe that I took a massive number of steps to try to fix the things that were an issue, and to be a caring and decent partner.
I believe that Mrs_C has harassed and belittled me to the point where I had no choice but to leave.
I believe this was (is) an abusive relationship.
Yes. I believe it was sexual assault. If No Means No, then she crossed the line. I feel very uncomfortable about how things transpired. She crossed a line that shouldn't be crossed. Just because I am a guy that has a regularly raging hard-on, doesn't mean that I don't get to decide how and when I want to have sex. If I had decided to climb on top of her to force the issue of having sex in the same manner she did (even short of penetration), the mandatory charging policy of our local police force and prosecutor's office would have been all over me (if they knew about it). Many an ex-husband has been charged in remarkably similar circumstances.
She was physically restraining me from leaving the room while clawing at me and my pants. If you said no, and said you wanted to leave, and the other person was grabbing and fondling and restraining there would be no question.
However, I only really referred to it as sexual assault in order to classify the event from a moral/ethical conduct perspective in my own mind.
I will not be either charging her or getting a restraining order at this point.
Yes - I understand that her actions may have been driven by desperation to try to save the marriage.
I understand, and I feel terrible for her. I feel absolutely awful. I feel bad for turning her down. I feel bad for getting aroused and her knowing I was (she was yanking at it). I feel bad for being panicked and dropping the nuke that I had "been with someone else" in order to get her to stop.
A couple of posts back - Wednesday, September 27, 2006 Tattoo (part 2) with regard to Smitten and "getting together with her, I make pretty direct reference to some of the sexual issues I have - and some of the things Mrs_C has done that have made me, uh, skittish.
I didn't tell her about Smitten. Not in detail anyway.
I said "I'm seeing someone else. I've been with someone else. I can't. I can't sleep with you."
This next bit is not in the post you read - she said "You must have felt a need to tell me that. Why? Why couldn't you just have had sex with me, and at least given me that satisfaction. We are still married, it would have been OK."
"Because as long as I have been sexually active I have never slept with more than one woman at a time within the minimum incubation period for common STDs - except for a couple of one night stand periods when I was younger - not that I think that is an issue in this instance - but I did it before and it is still a policy that makes sense. I'm not about to have sex with you and not inform you. So I had to. You know me - you know this is real and you this is how I think. I also didn't think you would want to continue with this if you knew. I knew you would probably stop." (yes - I really speak like this - yes - I know it's sad...)
She looked at me. She said "I don't care. I forgive you." and started at my belt again.
I do not believe that I told Mrs_C to hurt her. I tried to get her to stop before that. I was panicked. There is probably some other way I could have gotten her to stop.
I didn't think of it in the moment. And then it was out.
We are married.
There is no issue with her wanting to have sex. Really - none.
I just didn't want to have sex with her.
She should have respected that.
Once again she tried to force her will onto me.
It's a pattern.
I'm not good with that.
I am glad you raised the issues you did, and if there are any other instances where you want to take another position than mine - I encourage you to do so.
100%
Please observe and comment from a multitude of perspectives - even if only for the sake of conceptual or scenario modeling - even if you don't believe what you are arguing, if you can think of another viewpoint, I want to hear it.
And blog_surfer - that means "politely"
“All I want is for the baby to be healthy!”
8 months ago
5 comments:
Well-stated.
I'm still pulling for ya!
Yeharr
I agree with Balloon Pirate....well-stated.
Mrs. C was wrong.
No way around it.
I think that had I been in the same circumstance as you, I would have panicked and blurted out what you did. You are only human and she was not respecting you.
Cad, she's just grasping at straws to try to save what she now knows is over.
Mr. C. . . you don't have to explain the whole mess . . . the first go round was enough information for anyone to form an opinon. . . . I think that you have to be careful. . . she can cry wolf and ruin your life. . . all she has to say is that you forced yourself on her. . . you hit her . . . be careful. . . . she will be obsessed with the who now. . . no telling what her next move will be.
Ciao
Blog surfer. . . it wasn't about love it was about control and power. . . if the tables were turned Mr. C would be in jail.
Ciao
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